Work Text:
Sae remembers how young he was when he realized he was different from other kids. He realized it in the way they would treat him abnormally because he didn't act the way they did. He didn't like to dwell on such things, but to be genuine, he did overthink certain aspects of his life when he was younger. That’s changed with time, changed with Spain, because he's older now and he needs to let things go and focus on what is happening currently. His career, his training, what he needs to eat to stay fit, when his flight is, when his next photoshoot is. That's what matters and that is all everyone else sees when they look at Sae Itoshi.
But back when he did dwell on things, he would compare his life to those of others and wonder if he was living life correctly. Because everything has a formula and a path to follow. It’s important for him to understand what path to take and if he's making the correct choices. Though it's not about formulas and calculations, not when it involves his parents and how hard they worked to provide for their family. Those families he would compare his own to had similar situations with their parents. They work hard, they're successful, and they want to give their children the best lives they could imagine so they don't have to go through what they did in the past. The downside to his parents working so hard all the time is the existence of their two children.
Sae has been by Rin’s side ever since his birth; he held his hand the day he was born and swore to protect him and always be there for him. It’s a kind of love he never expected to have, but adored when he saw the chubby cheeks on his little brother's face and eyes mirroring his own. And ever since the day that Rin became his little brother, he’s held true to his word, wiping his drool, fixing his toys when they'd break, wiping his tears when he’d cry, telling him bedtime stories until he fell asleep. He found that maybe this isn't everything a brother should do, and that this is the role of a mother.
Everyone knows the role of a mother, it is traditional in fiction, movies, and other media. A mother is the one to rock her baby, feed it, wipe its drool, change it, and cheer it up when it's upset. Sae didn’t mind being the mother when he was young and Rin was so little, he actually enjoyed it. He got upset when he would watch his mom rock Rin incorrectly or do something that made him more upset instead of cheering him up. Because he had learned that was his role and he had gotten pretty fucking good at it, so seeing her lousy attempts at mothering her child infuriated him more than he’d like to admit.
Now, just because he found comfort in being Rin’s parental figure when he was very young, that wasn’t always the case. At times he found himself hating the position and wishing his parents would be home more to do what they were supposed to. The parents of those other families didn't make their older children parent their youngest. Sae didn’t have to know directly to make the assumption, their maturities and attitudes spoke a thousand words. They still acted like children in the ways they made fun of certain things, threw objects around, cried at the smallest inconvenience, and so on. Sae was disgusted by the way they acted, how childish they were. He thought they should grow up and stop acting so immature, the way he did, the way he had to. But at times, much to his dismay, he was envious of the way they were allowed the chance to act their age and enjoy their childhoods, because why wasn't he allowed that option?
It was a nice breather when Rin was old enough to begin to do things on his own, so Sae didn’t have to do everything for him. Even at the age he was, though, he was still a difficult child to take care of. When Sae was old enough to view some of his behaviours as abnormal, he began visiting the library to check out numerous books on child psychology and behaviors. He assumed this was probably a factor in why he was more capable of caring for Rin than their mom was. He took the time to understand Rin rather than neglecting him for work or calling him reckless and a problem child only to never look into it. The books he read gave him insight on autism and the different spectrums, how sometimes the signs are more obvious than others, leading to his assumption that Rin was autistic.
Sae isn’t a therapist or a doctor, so he never shared the diagnosis he gave Rin, he only followed the tips he read and tried different things to find new ways to help Rin in ways others weren't aware of. If he related to the diagnosis in the books he read, no he didn’t. He told himself he didn't because he barely had any signs but a few. Plus, his main purpose for reading so many books on disorders and child psychology is to help and understand Rin. It’s not for the purpose of relating his own self to the knowledge obtained from the books because it's not about him. It is never about him, not when it doesn’t involve soccer.
He's glad that he made the decision to read those books because the tips and tricks helped throughout the years as he cared for Rin. He could read him like a book, knew his mood swings and emotions like the back of his hand. Even now, he is able to read him, even after so many years away and without contact. It’s not as easy as it used to be, of course, because Rin is sixteen years old now and he's undergoing puberty, so he’s a different person than he was at eleven. But he’s still his baby brother who he cares for more than anyone or anything, no matter the way he shows it.
One thing he wishes he could do is go back to before Spain, make the decision not to go, and continue playing with Rin. Though, at the time, the idea of being scouted by a major Spanish team would've worked wonders for his career and given him the right training to become the best. In retrospect, it worked. He’s not the best yet, but the training that he’s gained from Re Al got him farther than he would have without it. As unfortunate as some of the circumstances were, they made him stronger. They trained him to not take shit from anyone and shoved the harsh reality in his face that to get what you want you have to keep fighting, even if no one believes in you.
That is something Rin will never understand even if he tries, because he wasn’t forced into the harsh environment that Sae was.
What he didn’t consider before going to Spain, was how much he would stand out, especially with the racial slurs he’d hear whispered behind his back or spat in his face. It was incessant, the bullying and ruthless words his teammates and coach would spit. He’d never admit how much those words hurt or how much he took them to heart.
The toughest part was enduring his teammate’s hatred towards him, because he had to work twice as hard to earn their respect to simply get them to pass to him. He’s earned that respect over time, to the extent they're now envious that his name is intertwined with Re Al. They’ll never know the amount of nights he’d sit on his bed in his room, praying that he’d have it easier and he could just go home, to see his parents and be hugged by them. It was too much for a thirteen year old kid to go through by himself.
He missed the nights that his parents would call to check in on him, to ask him how he is and not how practice is going, if he’s getting better. But those calls stopped a few months into his first year in Spain. His dad became stern with him when he said he wanted to go back home and didn’t want to train in Spain anymore. The idea was shut down immediately and Sae never spoke of it again, not that he had the chance to.
Him and Rin used to text and send letters constantly as well. They would text every day when Sae had the time and call some nights. They would speak of how much they missed each other, how practice has been, what Spain is like. Though that started to gradually dissipate. So Sae ended up with no one that he could talk to. Not that he ever did talk with Rin, because he’s the older, stronger, motherly figure to Rin so he couldn't bear to show the side of him that wasn't unbreakable. He doesn't know if he’ll ever let Rin see that side of him, especially with the relationship they have now. Rin hates him, he's aware he does, and he knows that he shouldn't have said things the way he did, but he was trying to help Rin become his own person. He’s such a dependent individual, that he found that to be the only solution at the time. Of course, he could've thought of a better one if he took more time to, but at the moment on that snowy night, Rin struck a nerve so he struck one back. It's as simple as that. It was supposed to only be a brotherly fight then they'd make up a few days later.
Sae’s ego won't allow him to be the one to reach out and apologize to Rin, as much as he might want to. It's not the person he is and it's not the person he probably ever will be. He just misses his brother. He missed him for years, all the four he spent in Spain, and the hours he spent on the plane home. He even went straight to the field with his luggage to see him before going home. He was excited to see Rin, to tell him about Spain and how he updated his dream so they can both be the best and play together in different positions. Rin would be the best striker and Sae would be there to support him as the best midfielder. The last thing he expected to come out of that night was an argument where Rin didn’t support his dream nor recognize him as his brother.
If only Rin had seen him for once, seen him and the dream he actually found passion in, one where they could work together and both be the best. It was the best of both worlds, he thought.
Now, he watches Rin on BLTV, tracking his progress and checking up on how he’s doing. They don’t talk, they never do. Sae will find himself reaching for the phone to call or text, but he never sends the message. And some nights when he can't sleep and he dwells too much, he sits and writes letters of everything he would say to Rin to apologize to him for everything that happened between them. But every night, after he signs the end of the letters with love, they're shoved into a box in his closet to never be seen again, to never reach the eyes of Rin. Maybe he’ll send one someday, but today isn’t the day.
It probably never will be.