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The stage lights were too bright though most people would call it rather dark. Yeonjun blinks dumbly a few times, the buzz of the crowd settling in. He’s peeking out from backstage, a sliver of his hair catching the glow of the light.
He slides back in, taking a deep breath. He’s always nervous before going on stage, he’s gone through this countless times but this time it’s different. It’s not like this concept is foreign either, they’ve done it before and they’re doing it again.
Realistically that should’ve been the end of it.
But his heart is thumping harder than it usually would, he wouldn’t call himself “excited”, it’s definitely not “nervous” either. Yeonjun shakes his head, he would rather not put a label on it.
In normal circumstances, Yeonjun’s heart shouldnt be trying to get out of his chest, it shouldn’t matter this much that only him and Soobin are sharing the stage, it really shouldn’t be this hard to bite down a smile at the thought of the chroreography.
He felt guilty for feeling this way, he knows it shouldn’t be like this but is it really his fault—
That’s a rabbit hole he can’t afford to go down.
The problem with Soobin is that he knows what he’s doing but definitely cannot measure the severity of the impact.
It’s almost unbelievable Yeonjun is reduced to a dazed mess when Soobin does something slightly attractive, if you told debut Yeonjun this would his state in 5 years he’d probably tell you that you’re losing your mind.
Maybe he was losing his mind.
The worst part is, he plays along with it, calls Soobin nicknames, flirts with him or blatantly stares at his ass and in his head labels it as fanservice, nothing more, nothing less.
At least it was supposed to be that way.
The Killa is a pretty direct song, the lyrics, the choreography was made to be exactly what it is. Sensual.
It was a special performance and Yeonjun could thank the gods because he would not be left the same if Soobin did that for more than one performance.
Taehyun helped co-write it and he was clearly proud of it, Yeonjun has a feeling he’s caught on to something but he’s not surprised. Taehyun’s known him the longest and he’s always been observant.
They’re gonna have to perform soon and Yeonjun fists his hands at the thought but he knows the fans would eat it up, he knows they’re a popular duo it’s like the open secret that no one is ever going to address. He can’t deny that it is a decent bit of fanservice but you’ve got to give the fans what they want.
Yeonjun’s wandering mind was brought back by a light tap on his back, he jolts looking behind him and is met with a Soobin who mouths a “fighting” to him and Yeonjun mumbles it back.
His spiral is forgotten as the nervousness catches up to him, they’re called on stage a few minutes later and they shift to their public personas. He waves to the fans in the crowd and Yeonjun smiles back. They’re left on standby.
He takes another breath.
One, two—
The beat begins.
It’s an acoustic beat, like the type you’d hear at a summer beach party while getting wasted. He hears the fans scream and he almost smiles.
Almost.
The move after this is where they either make or break the rest of the performance.
Soobin’s gaze lands on him and Yeonjun’s throat goes dry, the look is different compared to their rehearsals, Soobin’s eyes lock on to his, narrowing ever so slightly.
The slowly, his hand reaches out and he hooks a single finger on to Yeonjun’s chin and tilts it upward to face him. Yeonjun’s breath hitches.
Soobin looks at him with a gaze he can’t decipher. It’s too much but too little and Yeonjun’s knees threaten to buckle.
It really dawns on him that they have a height difference, he’s always known about it but in this moment he felt it more than ever.
He takes a moment to rake over Soobin’s attire, his white shirt is translucent, hugging his torso, he’s wearing a choker that Yeonjun wants to pull out and his pants slightly droop from his waist.
It takes him a second to realise he’s still looking up at Soobin and he still has a finger on his chin.
It was just a beat too long, just a look that meant more than it should’ve.
It was almost unnoticeable, it didn’t change anything and the rest of the song would still flow ahead.
Yeonjun decides he’d rather not dwell on this mid-performance and they continue as they’ve rehearsed. A little bit of eye contact (eye contact that makes Yeonjun want to jump into a hole) and some touching here and there (that also sends sparks around his body).
In short, there was nothing Yeonjun plans to think about.
And that’s exactly why the second the stage is complete he bolts backstage. They lock eyes once but Yeonjun looks away first and mumbles something incoherent while disappearing into the bathroom.
Yeonjun locks the door and collapses onto the floor. All the guilt, excitement and buzz of the performance condensing into hot tears that stream down his face.
It’s quiet, just a few sniffles, the tears slip into his lips leaving a salty, bitter taste in his mouth. He doesn’t usually cry but sometimes it’s all too much and he doesn’t know what to do.
He gets up and goes to the sink, he looks at his sunken face and red ridden eyelids, he can just pretend that the makeup got to him.
He splashed his face with water, it’s cold on his eyes and brings him back to the fact that they’ll go back to the dorm together and he’ll probably have to make contact with Soobin.
His hand settles on the doorknob, the cold of its metal seeping onto his skin, he pulls it down before pulling it back up. If he leaves now that means everything was real and he’d still have to pretend it’s all okay.
He pulls it down anyway, slipping out like a hiding figure. They staff tells them they have to leave soon and Yeonjun pulls out his phone to flush some dopamine into his brain.
The walk to the car is uneventful, Soobin has his earphones plugged in and Yeonjun couldn’t have been happier. He settles into the backseat and rests his head on the window, Soobin plops right beside him looking like he doesn’t give a care about the world.
It shouldn’t bother him that Soobin sits beside him, he always has anyway.
Yeonjun shuts his eyes, hoping sleep would prevent the idea of conversation between them.
“Yeonjun hyung?..”
It doesn’t work.
Soobin says it so gently, like he’s afraid of waking him up and how could Yeonjun ever tell him that he was actually wide awake and that he was actually panicking at the thought of what Soobin would say next.
Soobin’s always been so gentle.
Yeonjun mumbles out an “mmh?”, hoping his voice sounds drowsy enough to be believable.
“You did really well today.” Soobin says, Yeonjun doesn’t know how he looks right now but he can imagine Soobin fidgeting with his zipper, he knows that he means it.
“You did great too Soobin-ah, I’m sure the fans loved it.” The answer spills out like muscle memory, this is routine, now they’d probably stay in comfortable silence till they reach the dorm and collapse on to the sofa—
“Yeonjun hyung.”
Soobin’s tone is more commanding now, more serious like the tone he uses when his leader mode kicks in. Yeonjun panics, blood rushing to his ears, he opens his eyes and looks at Soobin who’s staring down at him with a small frown on his lips.
(Cute. Yeonjun’s brain traitorously supplies)
Soobin hesitates for a second before speaking again.
“Did I do something wrong, hyung?..”
Yeonjun’s heart drops.
“You kind of avoided me earlier..” He doesn’t even sound mad, just concerned and that just somehow hurts even more.
Yeonjun’s brain blanks, he forgets how to breathe.
“What do you mean? I was just tired.” He croaks out, it sounds pathetic.
Soobin tilts his head, looking at him like he won’t back down, it makes him feel exposed.
“If I did something wrong or made you uncomfortable..” he trails off and Yeonjun looks away.
The car hits a slight bump, they instinctively move closer.
“I’ll stop, just please talk to me.” Soobin‘a gaze is soft, guilty like he’s apologising for something he never meant to do.
Yeonjun doesn’t know what to say. Because the truth is, he never wanted it to stop.
“It’s not you, it’s never been you.” His voice cracks for a second as he curls his fingers into his palms.
“I’m just being stupid.” He lets out a small huff.
But Soobin’s always been too kind for his own good so he ends up rubbing salt into the wound.
“Hyung, don’t say that.”Soobin says immediately, looking completely dissatisfied in Yeonjun.
“Why not?”
“Because you’re not.”
Yeonjun lets out a breathless laugh.
“You’ve always been like this, haven’t you.”
“What do you mean?” Soobin looks puzzled, a pout forming on his lips.
The car comes to a stop and Yeonjun only spares a glance in answer before walking out to the dorm.
Yeonjun all but collapses onto his bed and locks the door, he can almost hear Soobin nagging him for sleeping before eating but that’s hardly the only thing he’s thinking about when it comes to Soobin.
He spends some time rotting in his bed, he can’t shake the feeling of sparks on his body everytime he thinks of the performance. He buries his head into a pillow and wonders if it’s feasible to never walk out of his room again.
His stomach answers with a growl and he weighs his options before deciding communication is better than starvation.
Which is why he slams the door open looking like he ran through a tornado and that fact is certainly noticed when Beomgyu pipes up saying “Yeonjun hyung looks like he went through a breakup.”
He wasn’t entirely wrong.
Yeonjun slips into the kitchen and unscrews a half-used plastic bottle to drink water. He’s awfully dehydrated for barely any talking. He puts the bottle back down and his gaze shifts up, somehow Soobin has managed to enter his peripheral vision.
He’s just about to sneak his way out when—
“Yeonjun hyung.”
Shit.
“Soobin-ah..” he looks back as if he wasn’t trying to escape the kitchen a few moments ago.
“Can you just tell me what’s wrong?..” Soobin sounds hurt, he looks at Yeonjun pleadingly, his eyes opened wide like a child about to cry.
“You know I can’t help you unless you tell me right?” He takes a shaky breath.
There’s a pause for a second, a second that feels so much longer than it should.
“S-Soobin ah?” Yeonjun breaks the silence once he sees Soobin refuse to meet his gaze.
Soobin contemplates for a second before saying “I won’t force you to tell me.. but it’s okay to ask for help you know?”
Yeonjun wants to crawl in a hole.
Yeonjun goes back to his room, dinner is uneventful as he pokes and shoves around the food in his plate. His appetite disappearing.
There’s only one word that comes to mind when he thinks of Soobin.
Love.
So much of it, he’s loved Soobin ever since the first time the locked eyes in the practice room, ever since he’s heard his breathy vocals, ever since they shared their first meal together.
Yeonjun is so doomed.
He decides to go to sleep, maybe it was all a dream and he’d wake up to the sound of his alarm and rehearsal for their next comeback.
That doesn’t work.
Sleep is unreachable, every time he closes his eyes he sees Soobin’s hurt expression.
“ it’s okay to ask for help you know?”
The words linger like medicine on his tongue.
Should he have said something? Oh Soobin must hate him so much, he wouldn’t even be surprised if Soobin gave up.
He hears some rustle from the end of the hall, probably someone thirsty—
Knock.
A louder knock.
Yeonjun freezes, he would be lying if he told you that he hasn’t memorised each members style of knocking.
Maybe he could just pretend to be asleep, anyways what would Soobin need from him at this ungodly hour.
“Hyung?” Soobin’s voice comes muffled from outside the door.
Everything in Yeonjun screams at him to not open the door, but his heart and curiosity and partly the fact that he’s never been opposed to seeing Soobin is the reason his hand reaches out and Soobin ends up standing in the doorframe like a tall, sleep-deprived demon.
Yeonjun sits on the bed, not bothering to in the lights, if Soobin wanted them he would’ve said so. He pats the spot beside him, a silent invitation and Soobin plops down beside him.
There’s an awkward silence before Soobin clears his throat and starts.
“I couldn’t sleep.” Soobin says quietly.
“Couldn’t tell at all, sherlock.”
Soobin playfully punches him but it’s weakened by the fact they’re both snickering and Yeonjun wishes the moment never had to end.
“I was wondering— actually I was thinking about the performance today.”
“I mean..like us in the performance.”
Soobin brings it up like he doesn’t know how to string it together, Yeonjun almost gets his hopes up but mentally slaps himself before responding with a “mmh?”. A signal to continue what he was saying.
Yeonjun can’t see him in the dark but he imagine that Soobin fidgets with his sleeve.
“I kept thinking about how you looked at me..”
Yeonjun almost kicks Soobin out of the room then and there.
“I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable on stage, you looked a little bit like you wanted to run away so..” Soobin starts blabbering, a thing he does when he’s nervous.
“No, you didn’t.” Yeonjun says too fast, it slips past his mouth before he can stop it.
“I mean you didn’t make me uncomfortable.”
You’d never make me feel uncomfortable goes unsaid.
“In fact..” Yeonjun licks his lips, hesitant to say it but he decides it’s been far too long he’s done this and if they’re Z here now he might as well just spit it out.
“I- I actually liked it.”
He feels Soobin’s figure stiffen beside him and he doesn’t even want to see the look on his face, he can imagine it and he’s never been this grateful to not see Soobin’s face.
Yeonjun regrets ever speaking out loud, he’s about to take it back, deflect it or anything until Soobin breaks the silence.
“You liked it?” His voice is quiet and doesn’t betray any emotion.
“I thought you hated it..” Even quieter, almost a whisper if Yeonjun wasn’t giving his full attention to him.
Something switches in Soobin after that, his voice drops an octave lower but it’s definitely not in confusion or embarrassment and Yeonjun is far too dazed to put a label on it.
“Why did you run away then?”
Yeonjun gulps.
“Yeonjun hyung. Tell me.”
“It’s because I didn’t know what to do..” Yeonjun admits, his voice cracking. He pulls the blanket closer to him like it would shield him from Soobin’s gaze.
“I just don’t want to lose you Soobin-ah.” Yeonjun moves away, refusing to meet Soobin’s gaze now.
Soobin reaches a hand out and gently cups Yeonjun’s face which instinctively makes Yeonjun look up at him. His hand is awfully cold and his touch is hesitant but Yeonjun selfishly leans into it.
“Hyung you’ll never lose me.” Soobin is staring at him now, his eyes are determined and still so bright even in the dark. Sometimes Yeonjun just wishes it were that simple.
But maybe it could be that simple, maybe for just this night, maybe for just this minute Yeonjun can indulge this.
Soobin brushes hair out of his face with his thumb. “Yeonjun hyung you’re a little stupid.”
“Hey I’m still older than you!” He pipes up, eliciting a small laugh.
“But you’re cute, so it’s okay.”
Yeonjun looks at him scandalised, a pout already taking shape. “You cannot use my own line on me!”
“And who made that rule huh?” Soobin looks proud of himself, eyes still glowing.
“But I’m being serious, just because it feels a lot you shouldn’t run away.”
Yeonjun swallows, not knowing what to expect.
“But I like that about you.”
Yeonjun almost pops his eyeballs out of his sockets. “You- what now?”
“I’m not repeating myself.” Soobin’s confidence suddenly vanishes and he looks down, a bright pink spreading on his cheeks.
Yeonjun laughs, like truly laughs, his head tipping back and his eyes crinkling.
He slumps his head onto his shoulder and Soobin makes no effort to push him away. “You’re so unfair you know?”
“What does that even mean?”
“Figure it out yourself.”
Maybe everything was gonna be okay, maybe they were gonna be okay and just maybe he could sleep peacefully this night.
They end up curled around each other in the bed too small for two people and the blanket haphazardly spread over the both of them, but that was for no one but them to know.
And if Yeonjun threw an arm around Soobin, fully conscious, that was to remain a secret between him and the dark.
<><><><><><><><><><><><>
Hueningkai is surprisingly one of the first people awake usually and if he wakes up then it will be everyone else’s problem
Which is why when he wanders into Soobin’s room and finds the bed untouched and uncannily clean according to Soobin standards, he almost screams.
His mind immediately jumps to the conclusion of kidnapping.
How else would this be possible?
He finds his answer as he peeks into Yeonjun’s room and finds a sight he’d never expected to see for at least the next 5 years.
He blinks once.
Blinks twice.
Then lets out an inhuman hybrid between a squeal and a screech as he yells out: “Yeonjun hyung and Soobin hyung finally slept with each other!!”
Followed by an immediate and extremely groggy sound of Yeonjun yelling: “you brat! That’s not what happened!”
After a few minutes of collective screaming from the household, —screaming loud enough to wake sleeping beauty himself (Beomgyu)— everyone gathers around Yeonjun’s room like it was a group conference of some sort.
“So, who confessed first?”
Soobin’s face goes up in flames.