Chapter Text
“You’re not ever gonna try and look for the father?” Ell asks.
She’s sitting on the opposite end of the couch while Tamara sits on the other. Tori is sitting on the love seat merely watching the other women converse. Matilda is upstairs frantically searching for something. You can tell she’s in heels by the clicking on the floorboards. Always in heels. Tamara is desperately trying to resist the urge to drink although it may not even matter. She notices that Tori has stopped smoking cigars though since the Norwegian woman had made the discovery. Tamara’s pregnant. It probably happened during one of her usual one night stands but this is the first time she wasn't careful.
Tamara tries to remember who the man was but decides that it’s not that important. Tamara starts to peel off the black paint on her fingernails and answers, “No. Doesn’t really matter.” Ell takes Tamara’s hands and clasps them in her own warm and much softer pair. Ell tries to get Tamara to look at her and Tori scoots forward a little. Tamara feels like the walls are closing in now and wishes she was drunk. Her intentions were for Ell and the others to never find out but Tori, ever the nosy bitch, had walked in on Tamara taking the pregnancy test.
Tamara had missed two periods and rushed to the pharmacy the minute she realized this. Tori had walked into the bathroom while the test was being taken and Tamara screamed, “The FUCK? GET OUT!” Tori dismissed Tamara’s anger with a huff and made a bee line to the sink but stopped short when she noticed Tamara holding something in between her legs. Tori looked closely and Tamara felt herself blush but the Norwegian woman must have not noticed when she asked, “Why are you peeing on that marker?”
Tamara thought this was a chance to try and lie her way out of an explanation but Tori finally looked close enough and Tamara didn’t have time to react, “THAT’S A PREGNANCY TEST!” Tori gave Tamara a shocked look and all Tamara could give her back was a sheepish grin.
Tori ran out quickly but returned, pulling Ell and Matilda with her. Tamara wanted to die. They waited together for the result: Tori paced nervously and Matilda held Tamara tightly. Ell chewed her fingernails. It was positive. Tamara ran into her room and shut the door. She didn't come out until the others agreed to stop asking questions. A week has passed and now.
She finally looks up at Ell who is the picture of concerned and loving. Tamara wants to drink so very badly. Ell’s voice is soft, “What are you going to do?” Tamara really doesn't want to answer these questions, especially with Tori in the room but can’t take the pressure anymore. Before she can respond, Matilda bursts in with what appears to be a small toy. She looks at Tori with a wide grin and hands her the small plush. It’s a little worn out sheep with a purple bow tie. It takes Tamara a minute before she registers what Matilda just gave her, “Isn’t this yours?”
“Yep,” Matilda nods, “from when I was a baby.”
Tamara studies the little thing before looking back up, “Why are you giving this to me?” Matilda kneels down so that she’s now the one looking up at Tamara and doesn’t stop smiling, “I want them to have it.” Tamara knows who she’s talking about but wants to be proven wrong, “Who?”
“The baby!” Matilda is so excited and Ell “awws” at this. Tori is the only one who hasn’t made a noise. Tamara pushes the toy back to Matilda, stands up, and tries to move away from the two women. She tries to rush back into the sanctity that is her room but Ell quickly grabs her wrist before she can get away. Tamara wants to scream but when she looks at Ell’s innocent expression, she bites her tongue. Matilda looks hurt, “You don’t want it? I know it’s a bit old but-“
Tamara has had enough, “I don’t want the baby.”
All three women are looking at her now and she wants desperately for Ell to let go but at the same time she wants Ell to hold her and tell her that she’s just having a bad dream. Ell is the first to speak, “You’re giving the baby up? Like for adoption?” Tamara looks to the ground and with a sigh she says, “I’m getting an abortion.”
They’re all silent and Tamara doesn’t want to look at anyone right now. Ell still won’t let go of her wrist but the urge to run away has decreased as the urge to seek refuge in Ell’s arms has increased. She’s already set up the appointment. At least she did that without the other’s hovering over her. Ell’s free hand comes up to join the hand at Tamara’s wrist. They inch themselves down until they are holding Tamara’s hand and that’s when Tamara finally looks up to see Ell smiling at her with understanding. Matilda is looking down with sadness, hugging the little sheep to her chest, and Tamara doesn’t dare look at Tori.
Ell squeezes and pats Tamara’s hand, “It’s alright. We get it. It’s your choice and we’re here for you.” Tamara lets out a breath and quickly steps forward to hug Ell in the tightest embrace she’s ever given her. Ell returns it, gently patting Tamara’s back. Matilda sits down and studies the stuffed animal, turning it over in her hands.
~
Rain is hitting the roof hard and Tamara hears a little bit of thunder starting. She lies in bed fully awake. No matter how long she keeps her eyes closed, sleep does not come. It’s really late but despite being exhausted, her mind can’t seem to shut down. Too much has happened in one day and Tamara feels a little anxiety start to flood her stomach. ’It’s gonna be okay’ she tells herself but at the same time another voice in her mind tells her that it’s not.
She’s not gonna feel guilty about what she going to do on Tuesday. She has to do it. She’ll be a terrible parent…She remembers being alone after her mother died. Her mother was a literal goddess in the eyes of an 8 year old Tamara. It was fishing trips, softball, holding hands on the ferris wheel, and eating late night snacks together. Tamara’s mother didn’t take shit from anyone and told Tamara that life is going to be hard but you’re never alone.
And then she died.
And Tamara’s father became depressed. Who could blame the man? When you loose a peace of yourself, the rest of you can fall apart. He drank and cried privately in his room so that Tamara wouldn’t see.
But she did.
He never became violent but he became distant. Tamara would start fights in school, break furniture, be detained by the cops, and yet her father never even scolded her once. Her father would pick her up and take her back to a silent home that smelled like bleach and vodka. It was the first time Tamara realized that even when a person is physically there, you can still be alone. They spent 8 more years avoiding each other or anything that would force them to confront her mother’s death.
And then he died.
And Tamara really was alone.
Things are much better now but not the best for a kid. Tamara sits up from the bed and wipes a tear that has fallen from her eye. ‘Don’t be such a baby’ she tells herself. The other little voice in her head doesn’t comment. There is no point in lying around if it doesn’t help her sleep so she gets up and sits in the living room. The thunder has gotten louder and Tamara turns on the TV hoping to ignore it. She likes rain but not tonight. Tonight is not a mood for solemnly thinking.
All that is on is Professor Why reruns and made for TV movies. She decides to stick with a b-rated horror movie and hopes that the cheap gore and overly sexualized women will keep her distracted. Maybe she should go off men for a while. Maybe get a girlfriend to get her out of the house more often. Being the owner of your own apartment complex has it’s perks financially but Tamara misses the routine of going out to work. She doesn’t miss the work but she misses the distraction. Maybe she can find a nice girl at a book store or a bakery. If she goes to a bar she might accidentally find someone like herself. Someone who is just as fucked up.
Or maybe that’s the better option.
She falls asleep on the couch and wakes up with a blanket over her. It’s Tori’s. She knows this because it’s red and smells just like her. She kicks it off and heads back to her room. Where does Tori get off pretending to care.
~
Another week goes by and the appointment date has arrived. Tamara doesn’t want anyone to come with her but she agrees to let Tori drive her to the clinic. They use Tori’s car and Tamara feels uncomfortable knowing that there’s an explosive somewhere in here. Ell stays at home waiting anxiously on the couch. Matilda has been trying to be supportive but Tamara can see the sadness in her eyes. Matilda is always screaming about being pro-choice. Why is she so upset?
She decides to let it go. The drive is silent and Tamara realizes that Tori hasn’t said a word to Tamara over the past week. Not even an insult. It’s all been sullen looks and half-assed ‘it’s gonna be okay.’ Only Ell is the one that has been really supporting Tamara. She’s tempted to ask Tori to stop so she can just bus the rest of the way. She feels uncomfortable sitting next to her roommate whose usually so talkative. She's wants to jump out the window.
They get to the parking lot and Tamara is about to open the car door but freezes before she can pull the handle. She doesn’t know why but she can’t bring herself to get out. Tori finally speaks after a week, “What’s wrong? Is this not the place?” Tamara swallows hard and keeps her gaze glued to the clinic doors, “Yeah.”
But she still doesn’t move.
She’s willing herself to move but something in her brain is stopping her. She can feel herself start to tremble. Tori notices this but doesn’t comment on it. Instead she asks, “What’s wrong?” Tamara’s shaking grows worse and Tori finally get it. The car starts back up again and Tori drives them out of the lot. Tamara watches as the other woman puts more distance between them and the clinic and the farther they get, the more Tamara feels like she can breathe.
However, they don’t go home. Tori keeps driving until they’ve entered a parking lot for a closed office building. They are the only car there. When the car turns off there is only silence left and Tamara feels like Tori is going to light a cigar but the woman doesn’t. Tori speaks, “You want this child.” It isn’t a question, it is a statement and Tamara says nothing.
Tori keeps speaking, “You think you shouldn’t have it but you want it.” Tamara refuses to let this woman belittle her, “shut up.” Tori isn’t intimidated by Tamara, never has been, “You think a child is going to cure the loneliness.”
Tamara hugs herself tight, “fuck off.”
Tori finally turns to look at the brunette, expressionless. Tamara wants to punch her in the face. But Tori is feeling something and Tamara can see it by how hard the taller woman is gripping the steering wheel. Tori cuts Tamara off before she can answer, “You were never alone.”
Tamara forgets what she was about to say and looks at Tori, confused. Tori grips the wheel so tight that her knuckles turn white but her face remains calm. Tori elaborates, “You’ve always had us. Since the start.” Tamara doesn’t respond because she doesn’t know with what to respond with.
Tori keeps going, “And you can have this child if you want it.” Tamara lets out a laugh but Tori remains unmoved. Tamara sniffs and looks into the palm of her hands, “I’ll be a terrible parent. I’ll drink.” Tori hasn’t loosened up on the steering wheel, “you haven’t touched alcohol in two weeks. I think you’ll be fine.”
Tamara refuses to give up, “they won’t have a dad.” Tori’s tone doesn't waver, “yeah but four moms should be enough. Right?”
Tamara looks up at Tori and, without thinking, grabs the hand that’s gripping the steering wheel. Tamara doesn’t know why she did that but she holds Tori’s stiff hand and, with gentle fingers, begins to coax the hand into a relaxed state. Tori takes Tamara by the chin and pushes the woman’s gaze up to meet her own.
Tori’s eyes are sharp and grey. Tori asks Tamara, “Do you want this child?”
Tamara realizes that the jig is up, “yeah.”
It’s so fucking stupid but being a mom wasn’t an idea that Tamara was repulsed by. She always thought that one day she’d eventually have one but not so soon. She’d have it when she’s able to support herself. She makes a lot owning the apartment complex that she no longer lives in. Marriage was a stupid concept but raising a little kid to not be a shitty human being: That didn’t seem so bad. Friends leave you but kids always love their parents right? Tamara will always love her own mom. She puts flowers on her grave every other week.
Tori nods and slowly withdraws her hands to restart the car. The drive home is silent between the two women, so Tamara calls the clinic to tell them to cancel her appointment.
And no she will not be rescheduling.