Chapter Text
The nice thing about wings, Kaworu had found, is that they make for good shade when he works. They also make for good fans as the stench of the latrine gets heavy in the heat when it's time for clean up.
Shinji and Toji are off doing a supply run and Asuka is helping Misato with the distillery, so Kaworu had been stuck with the job. He doesn't begrudge them. Much. At least he gets the job done as quickly as he can and that gives him full reason to go play around in the lake.
Swimming is out of the question as he’s found soaked feathers to be an absolute nightmare. Might be worth it to have Shinji help him preen his feathers. It's so much easier with another person, since Kaworu isn't quite able to get to the base feathers. And it's nice, feeling Shinji’s fingers smoothing out his feathers and carefully settling them back in place. So far, Shinji hasn't noticed the shivers his touch elicited, a fact that Kaworu is quite glad for.
The weeks since their appearance have made his wings less of a novelty and feared object and more of something the others simply accept at some hindrance. That the wings are mostly useless seemed to comfort them, even if Kaworu now watches birds with the same frequency he’d used to watch the stars.
But… It's better not to. Even if he dreams about flying.
By the time Kaworu finishes, he’s managed to distract himself from the yearning to fly. He heads over to the lake and washes his hands and arms. His clothes are a spare set that they’d unanimously dubbed the cleaning outfit and while it, too, gets cleaned, none of them wore it longer than the job needed. He strips out of it, washing carefully so that he doesn't stink for the rest of the day, and then heads to the house to get dressed.
The others wouldn’t be around for a few hours yet, so Kaworu settles himself down on the bank of the lake with a blanket under him and turns to watch the sky. Soft clouds waft through the blue with a few birds enjoying the warm light. Kaworu follows every arch and swoop of large hawks, watches two doves twirl about each other… His wings shift, feathers aligning as they mimicked the motions they might have used to do the same. He barely notices his wings raising and falling just a little.
He wants to be up there. With everything he is and everything inside him, he wants to fly. He had once, when he was still an angel, but this half form is useless. The crushing disappointment of being grounded weighs inside him, real and heavy.
And then a flash of energy catches him short. His heart seizes a moment as a shudder rolled down the length of his back, his wings flaring to full length. Kaworu can't breathe. His eyes snap wide as he jerks around, looking everywhere around him but no one is there. Lifting a hand to his chest, right over his heart, he feels it pounding underneath
He’d felt Lilith. For a split second, he had felt her as clear as day. Kaworu is overcome with a sudden nausea, horror rippling through him. That… that isn't possible. They had promised to leave him be. They had promised to forget him.
His fingers tighten over his heart, digging painfully into his skin. The pain is real, helps him focus, and slowly, he starts getting back control of himself. Whatever it had been, Lilith or not, it's gone now. Kaworu shakily gets to his feet and stumbles into the house as a great feeling of vulnerability rears up within him. He wants to think he’s just imagined it but his hands shake as he pulls the door shut behind him. Just barely does he curb the urge to put something heavy in front of it. Kaworu sits down on his bunk and closes his eyes, trying to feel out what it might have been.
There is no sign of Lilith to his senses and nothing angelic in the least. The world is as quiet as ever, going on as if nothing had ever happened. Kaworu opens his eyes and stares at his hands.
Had they decided to come for him after all? The thought chills him. He’d been so happy these last months, free to enjoy this life and Shinji’s companionship. Even the others being around makes him happy. He doesn't want to lose it. Kaworu closes his eyes tightly and his wings wrap around to form a feathery cocoon that feels a lot safer than it actually is.
He can't lose this.
By the time the others return, Kaworu has composed himself and gotten a simple evening meal ready. They sit around the cook fire, sharing the story of their day and teasing Kaworu for his allotted duties. He laughs and jokes with them, but his thoughts continue to turn back onto what has happened. Maybe it had been a fluke. Maybe it wouldn’t happen again. Maybe if he hopes hard enough…
As they head to bed, Kaworu feels Shinji’s gaze follow him but he says nothing.
The next day, he and Toji continue work on the house now that they have more building materials. It's a work in process, slowly fashioning the shack into something stable. Thankfully, they hadn’t had any bad weather, though every rain shower drips cold water through holes in the makeshift roof. They’d gotten the walls mostly reinforced, tearing them down in sections and rebuilding better and stronger. Toji has an eye for construction.
The two of them climb up onto the roof. Toji trudges along the bulk of it, noting soft spots and anything that doesn't feel steady. He has Kaworu drag up supplies as he gets to work. Kaworu doesn't mind being an extra. He doesn't know much about buildings in general and there is a strange security in having someone else giving the orders.
He's at the top of the ladder when he feels the pulse of Lilith again, so strongly that she seems right behind him. Kaworu jerks, letting out a strangled noise as his body goes to immediate panic, his wings flaring. Thrown off balance, he starts to fall but he can't save himself, not when she's here-
A strong hand grabs hold of Kaworu’s shoulder and drags him back up onto the roof. He barely notices it, body curling up as if there's some way to ward off her, to run from her. He feels hands shoving his wings away but he needs to hide and his feathers are all he has-
“Damn it, man, breathe!”
Pain streaks across his face. Kaworu’s eyes snap open and he stares up at Toji. The other boy looks at him like he's crazy, hand still raised from slapping him. There are bits of feather in his short hair from the tussle. Kaworu lays half on his back with one wing wedged uncomfortably under him, the other arched over the both of them.
“What the hell was that?” Toji snarls at him but Kaworu can see it's more worry than anger.
“Nothing,” Kaworu murmures even though his heart is still hammering away in his chest.
Toji narrows his eyes. He helps Kaworu sit up but then catches hold of his shoulder as he leans in close.
“That wasn’t nothing,” he says in a lower voice, brows furrowed. “You looked like you saw a ghost.”
It feels like that. Even now, when the presence was gone, Kaworu feels as if he's being haunted by her. The pull of her had been so strong for a single moment, stronger than Adam had ever been. He doesn't know how to describe it and he is suddenly terrified that if he tries, if he reveals what he’s been feeling, the others would drive him away.
He’d have to leave Shinji.
“Please,” he finds himself whispering. “Please don’t.”
Toji says nothing. He stares back at Kaworu, searching his face. Then he lets out a harsh noise and lets go. Getting up, Toji hooks his hands into his back pockets and looks out over the roof.
“…Swooning like a damn girl. You know, I’m gonna tease you ‘til you die.”
Kaworu nearly faints with relief and feels a swell of affection for him. Then they get back to work, but Toji keeps an eye on him for the rest of the day, just in case something happens again. It doesn't, but Toji watches him the next day as well until he and Shinji leave on a trip to the other settlement. Shinji usually goes on these trips because the others always react to him with an overwhelming awe and tend to give him what he wants. Kaworu, himself, hasn't been back there.
Hanging around Asuka is always a little odd. She varies between quiet contemplation and a manic energy he can't keep up with. Lately, they’ve been trying to garden. Toji found a bucket full of vegetable seeds on one of the romps out and while none of them have much experience growing food, it seems like a good idea to try. Kaworu and Asuka hunker down to pull weeds but to be perfectly honest, neither of them are familiar enough with plants to know what's a weed and what isn't. They try their best to only pull grass, because that is recognizable enough.
Halfway in the field, Kaworu feels Lilith and this time it is so powerful that it overwhelms him. He wakes to Asuka over him, one hand curled around his neck and the other drawn back for a punch. She straddles his belly and his cheek stings already with a strike he hadn’t notice.
“Asuka-” he tries and she hits him again, knocking his head sharply and stunning him.
“Sheep,” she hisses back at him. “Sheep, sheep, sheep, I can smell you in sheep’s clothing. I can feel you staring out!”
Kaworu tries to ward her off but his motions are sluggish and his head spinning. His heart pounds with panic as her fist glances off his forearm but he can't help wondering if he deserves this. Lilith’s stain in his mind is powerful even as it fades and maybe Asuka can beat it out of him.
Whether or not she can isn't an issue when Misato emerges from the distillery. She drags Asuka off of him, snarling for her to calm down as Asuka fights in a blind rage.
Kaworu gets himself up, a hand over his bleeding mouth. He folds his wings as tight to his back as he could, tries to pretend he isn't inhuman, but Misato has to pull Asuka into the house to keep her from attacking him again.
It isn't going away. The realization hits him like a brick. Lilith isn't going away. She’d broken the promise. She's coming for him. Kaworu doesn't know what to do. Misato comes to him once she’d calmed Asuka and tends to his face, but he can't answer her questions. He doesn't know how to explain to her and the utter shame at his gullibility steals his words.
How could he ever really believe they would let him go? What did they care of promises? But he had believed them. He had believed and now he knows better. Lilith is coming for him.
Kaworu climbs up onto the roof and hugs his knees to his chest as he watches the sky until sunset. He doesn't come down for the meal, nor even when it becomes too dark to see. At least Shinji isn't here tonight. The journey to the other camp takes a full day there and another back. It would be late tomorrow before Shinji came back and found out just how stupidly trusting Kaworu had been.
He's going to lose everything. The peace, the happiness, his friends, his home, Shinji… He's going to lose it all because he had been too stupid to know not to get attached.
If his hundreds of lives had taught him anything, it should have been that he would never get what he wanted. Kaworu drops his head against his knees and closes his eyes tightly. They're going to come for him and he will die for real this time. No coming back, no hundredth try. For the first time, Kaworu actually fears what will happen to him because this isn't death. He will continue to exist in the agony of loss until the others pick him apart and absorb him into themselves. Until everything that had been him, both Nagisa Kaworu and Tabris, fades.
He feels terrified.
Kaworu sits in the protective shell of his feathers long into the night. At some point, he hears someone coming up the ladder and lifts his head. Misato’s head pops up over the edge of the roof. She gives him a glance over, then rolls her eyes and drags herself up to sprawl next to him.
“Care to explain now?” she asks as she leans back on her arms, her gaze sliding to the stars above them. When Kaworu doesn't immediately answer, her voice softens, “She’s settled down. I just want to know what set her off.”
He doesn't want to tell her. With everything he is, Kaworu doesn't want to tell her. He wants to hold onto this for as long as he can.
“She said she smelled angels,” Misato murmurs and Kaworu closes his eyes again.
“I felt her,” he admits so softly that he's surprised she can hear him. “Lilith.”
Misato sits still and quiet for a split second. Then the soldier replaces her. “Where.”
“Inside me.” He curls a hand against his chest. “Around me and inside me and I thought it would go away if I didn’t-”
“This has happened before?!” Misato glares at him, grabbing his shoulder in a tight grip. “How long has this been going on?”
Kaworu swallows thickly. “A few days.”
“And you didn’t think to tell me?! Damn it, I’m suppose to be your guardian, you idiot! I’m the adult around here. What is it with you kids and being unable to rely on anyone?”
Kaworu feels a strange chastisement. He ducks his head, unwilling to look at her. Misato lets out a hissed breath and rubs her temples. She looks at him, then the sky, then rolls her eyes because this is absolutely ridiculous.
“I’m not mad at you,” she mutters. “Well, I am, but I’m not going to hurt you. Just… Tell me when things like this happen. I’m supposed to be looking out for you, idiot.”
He nods, his throat suddenly too tight to respond. They sit quietly for a little while as Kaworu tries to cobble his self control back together. He feels so off base, thrown for a loop with the way Misato sees him. It's rare that adults cared for him, even in lives when he’d had parents, and she has never filled that role for him before.
“What do you think it means?” she asks finally.
“They’re coming for me,” Kaworu murmurs. He tightens his arms around his knees. “They lied to me and I let myself believe them. I should have known when they left these wings on me…”
Misato sighs a little. “Kid, humans make mistakes-”
“I’m not human.” Kaworu gets to his feet. He stares down at her and lets his wings spread out as far as they will go. “How can you look at me and think I’m human?”
“You’re not an angel, either,” she points out, unimpressed. Kaworu frowns at her. He doesn't see the difference that makee. Sitting up a bit, she gives him a bland look. “They don’t have a claim on you anymore. You’re ours, kid. We’re not letting you go.”
“The Evas are gone,” Kaworu reminds her quietly. “You can’t fight them anymore.”
Misato snorts and grins like a reaper. “Just watch me.”