Chapter Text
“Oh, was this not a pitiful end to a pitiful story of a pitiful man?”
It was Fan Xiao’s last conscious thought as he closed his eyes, surrounded by the darkness he had longed for so deeply and in which he had always found solace. As his body grew cold and successive waves of blood spilled from the gunshot wound, every heartbeat sent another surge of blood leaving his body. Each beat drew him closer to an end that could not be avoided.
His final thought, just as it had been for months before he fell into dreamless sleep, was You Shulang. He hoped the money he had left behind would give him a chance to finally live as peacefully and happily as he deserved. Without the monster that Fan Xiao himself was constantly dragging misfortune into his life, destroying every fragment of stability, You Shulang managed to build. You Shulang, should do well. Without him to ruin everything, You Shulang would surely be safe…
Fan Xiao let out a quiet sigh, feeling a piercing cold radiating not from the surrounding darkness, but from within himself as if his heart had turned into a block of ice, as if his body had forgotten it was meant to be warm, meant to live.
He fell asleep for the last time, and as always, his thoughts summoned a vivid, joyful, smiling image of You Shulang, arms wrapped around Fan Xiao in their bed. Once more, he felt his sweet, soft lips; once more, the slender fingers with carefully kept nails and the faint calluses on the pads earned from spending far too much time at a computer.
Fan Xiao fell asleep, following the hand of his beloved…
+++
When he opened his eyes, he was slightly dazed. He should have been dead. Right?
He should have been on a straight path to hell, where he belonged. He should have been subjected to endless torment. He should have suffered for eternity, repaying every horrible thing he had done in his life. Fan Xiao knew he would never leave hell, would never return to the cycle of reincarnation, would never be able to atone for what he had done to You Shulang.
Fan Xiao had destroyed a good man, and he would never make up for it, no matter what he did. He had already come to terms with that.
He blinked slowly, dispelling the haze clouding his vision. He was sitting in a car in the hot, nearly stifling interior of a car. He blinked again, trying to understand what was happening, where he was, and why… He clenched his fist, moved his fingers, which obediently followed his commands.
If they saved me, shouldn’t I be in a hospital? He wondered, pressing a hand to his right lung. He remembered the wound throbbing, remembered his lungs filling with blood enough to make breathing difficult, but not enough to drown him outright. No, Fan Xiao’s death had been far more brutal. Slow. Caused by blood loss, hypothermia, or a collapsed lung. His entire body had burned, ached, convulsed. He remembered it clearly; he was certain that no one could simply recover from something like that.
There was no way someone had magically found him at the exact moment he lost consciousness, rushed him to a hospital, stitched him back together, and then put him behind the wheel of a passenger car.
Nothing even hurt. And despite the lingering haze in his vision and the scattered thoughts, Fan Xiao could tell he was not under the influence of any painkillers.
Tap, tap, tap.
Fan Xiao turned his head toward the side window at the firm yet gentle knock of knuckles against the glass.
The air that had been steadily filling his lungs suddenly escaped his mouth with a sharp gasp.
There, on the other side of the thin, slightly tinted car window, stood the man Fan Xiao had dreamed of every night for years. The one he had longed to see just once more before dying.
Tears gathered at the corners of his eyes. Fan Xiao blinked rapidly, forcing himself to stay calm.
This had to be his afterlife dream, his final mercy, his last chance to experience something good, his last chance to have his final wish fulfilled. He didn’t know who had taken pity on him and granted him such grace, but Fan Xiao had to use it. He had to drink in the sight of his beloved, You Shulang. He had to feast his eyes on his living presence so wonderfully bright, sincere, and faintly worried. His eyes narrowed slightly as he tried to peer into the car.
Fan Xiao quickly wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, adjusted his hair, and summoned a gentle, understanding smile to his lips.
So many times, he had replayed this scene in his memories. So many times he had recalled their first meeting, when they had still been strangers. So many times he had wondered whether if he had acted differently, if he had chosen a path that was more honest and less unpredictable, he might have reached You Shulang’s heart.
He wondered if, had he stopped lying to himself sooner, pretending he wasn’t in love, whether their love might have survived even such turbulent times. He knew that without the weight of lies and manipulation, You Shulang would have had no reason to hate him; he would never have driven a good man to ruin.
When You Shulang lifted his hand again to knock on the car window, Fan Xiao finally pulled himself together.
The car window rolled down slowly.
When the window finally lowered, Fan Xiao could look at You Shulang without any barrier separating them. He still couldn’t believe this was really happening. His eyes narrowed slightly, expressing all the gentleness and happiness of being able to look at him again, to meet You Shulang once more. He smiled, unable to suppress the instinctive reaction to the sight of the man who had driven sorrow and darkness out of his life.
You Shulang, who had become his light, who had been everything to him, now stood before him with a slightly lost expression, conflict visible in his gaze. Fan Xiao had the urge to lift his hand and smooth out the crease that had appeared between his brows.
“We were just in a car accident, right?” he asked, forcing his voice to remain calm just like in the memory. He didn’t want to ruin this wonderful moment, so he narrowed his eyes slightly and tilted his head in a charming way.
You Shulang leaned forward, bowing to him humbly.
“I was distracted while driving and hit the back of your car. The responsibility is entirely mine. I’m very sorry.”
Fan Xiao moved slowly, reached for the car door, and stepped out, suddenly closer to You Shulang than he had been in the past year. The intoxicating scent of wild roses, the one he loved and often teased him about, much to You Shulang’s adorable irritation, wrapped around him again like a protective blanket.
He frowned when You Shulang didn’t straighten up right away. He noticed the faint distortion of pain on his face when he slowly stood upright, trying to maintain composure and dignity. He hadn’t seen it before he didn’t understand how he could have ignored it.
His man was in pain. He was clearly suffering, and Fan Xiao hadn’t helped him. Hadn’t taken care of him.
He berated himself internally for being a towering, arrogant bastard who never cared about the fate of those smaller than himself. You Shulang was the best of men, and Fan Xiao should have fallen at his feet from the very beginning and worshipped him as he deserved.
Instead, he merely furrowed his brows and asked with concern, “Are you hurt?”
You Shulang discreetly took half a step back, putting a bit of distance between himself and Fan Xiao. He wanted to follow him, but restrained himself.
“I’m fine,” You Shulang said calmly, and Fan Xiao melted at the sound of his clear, smooth voice. He remembered how that voice had broken when he held him in his arms. He still remembered how he could bring him to tears, exhaust him nearly to unconsciousness. He remembered how those lips shaped his name, how they cried out in pleasure.
“And you?” You Shulang continued calmly, unaware of the direction Fan Xiao’s thoughts had taken. “If you don’t feel well, go to the hospital for a check-up.”
“I’m not injured either,” Fan Xiao replied quickly.
His heart was bleeding. His lungs could barely draw in air. His hands trembled not from the cold he had already grown mentally accustomed to but from fear he couldn’t voice. Fear he couldn’t put into words.
Everything was happening exactly the same as before. Just like in his dreams, Fan Xiao let You Shulang call the police and the insurance company. Just like in his dreams, he stayed nearby, watching him. And when You Shulang began to shiver from the cold, he offered him his coat, which the man eventually accepted.
Just like in his dreams, You Shulang’s phone rang, and he answered it, speaking in a gentle, soft voice to the boy on the other end. Fan Xiao clenched his fists, feeling a jealousy far stronger than the first time this had happened.
Back then, he hadn’t yet known what a wonderful person You Shulang was. Back then, he hadn’t yet tasted his lips, bitten his skin, savored his sweat, devoured his pleasure. Back then, they had been nothing more than ordinary, accidental strangers.
But now… now Fan Xiao remembered all his desires. All his lies. All his achievements.
Was this real?
Or was it merely the dream of a dying man?
It didn’t matter.
As long as he was here in this time, in this reality, Fan Xiao intended to savor it and do everything, literally everything he was capable of to win You Shulang this time, without destroying him along the way.
When the police left, and You Shulang said goodbye, returning the coat Fan Xiao had lent him when he watched the car drive away, Fan Xiao pressed the coat to his nose, inhaling deeply the scent of wild roses. He let out a quiet groan, hugging the coat tightly to his chest.
He remembered that the last time, he had thrown the coat away in disgust at the man’s sweet scent. But now… now Fan Xiao pressed it firmly to his face, breathing in that tempting, soothing fragrance that for so long had been associated only with his lost love.
Now he had a chance to get him back.
A memory surfaced before his eyes, another accidental meeting with You Shulang. They met at the hospital, where they saved the life of a falling child. He remembered that the meeting had required You Shulang to be injured.
He wanted the chance to meet him again, to save that child’s life together once more, but he didn’t want to hurt You Shulang. He never wanted to see him injured again.
Lu Zhen, on the other hand…
He could prove to be the perfect victim, one who would draw You Shulang to the hospital and straight into Fan Xiao’s arms. It would only take… staging something small in how long had it been? Three days. If he remembered correctly, it was three days.
He should break into the hospital database and check on the fate of their little brat. There was no point in laying a trap for You Shulang if it didn’t fall on exactly the right day.
That event, the joint saving of a child’s life, had been significant for You Shulang. Fan Xiao didn’t know what exactly had made him cry that day, but You Shulang’s tears had been beautiful.
He wanted them.
He wanted his tears, and he wanted the closeness that had been born between them because of that moment.
Fan Xiao wanted his man back and may Buddha have mercy on those who stood in his way, because Fan Xiao never would.