Chapter Text
“You can look but you can't touch”
Shauna lay on her stomach, cheek pressed against the pillow, eyes shut tight as if she could will herself asleep in the middle of the afternoon. She wasn’t tired. Not even close. She’d already reread her notes twice, highlighted every other line, and stared at the same paragraph in her textbook for what felt like an hour before giving up. Now she was pretending to nap. Pretending because it was the only way she could get away with not looking.
Except she could still hear her.
The dresser drawers slid open and shut. A hanger squeaked against the bar inside the closet. And then Jackie’s voice, half talking to herself, half humming whatever song had gotten stuck in her head. Careless, comfortable. The sound filled the room, filled Shauna, left no space for thought.
Shauna told herself she’d gotten used to it these past two years, Jackie wandering around in a towel, in her underwear, fresh from the shower with damp hair clinging to her neck. But lying there now, belly down on her bed while Jackie moved around the space, she knew she hadn’t. If anything, it was worse. Every day stretched her thinner, like skin over something hot and shaking.
She shifted, pushing her face harder into the pillow, like that could drown it all out. Jackie’s laugh. The faint slap of bare feet on the hardwood. The tug of fabric sliding over skin.
“Do you think the red or the blue looks better?” Jackie asked, breezy, like it didn’t matter if Shauna answered.
Shauna’s heart lurched. She kept her eyes shut. She didn’t dare look. “The blue,” she mumbled into the pillow, hoping it sounded neutral, she knew every item of clothing Jackie owned without looking.
“Mhm.” Jackie’s tone was pleased. That was the thing, she always seemed pleased when Shauna picked. Like she wanted to be watched. Like she wanted to be… approved.
Shauna’s fingers curled tight against the sheets.
When had it gotten this bad? Not Rutgers. Not moving into the apartment sophomore year, with only one bedroom of course as it was cheaper, Jackie had reasoned. Earlier. The first time she realized Jackie had stopped changing in the bathroom and started dropping her clothes wherever she wanted. The first time Shauna noticed that Jackie actually lingered in front of her mirror in just a bra, running her hands through her hair, while Shauna sat frozen at the desk behind her. Jackie never seemed self-conscious. If anything, she seemed freer with Shauna than anyone else.
And Shauna… she couldn’t breathe half the time.
She cracked her eyes open, just a sliver. Just enough to see the blur of Jackie’s body across the room.
Sunlight streamed through the blinds, catching on her legs as she stepped into a skirt. Smooth, tan, impossibly soft looking. Shauna’s gaze dragged up unwillingly, like gravity pulling her eyes. The curve of Jackie’s hip, the line of her waist, the pale strip of stomach still bare before she tugged the waistband higher.
Shauna shut her eyes again, hard….. too hard. A guilty heat burned under her skin.
She thought about what it would mean if Jackie knew. If Jackie had any idea about the way she felt, the way she couldn’t not look. The way her chest hurt sometimes just being this close. Jackie would leave. Or worse, she wouldn’t leave, she’d pity her.
But sometimes…sometimes Shauna swore Jackie did know.
Like when she asked her opinion on tops she already knew she looked perfect in. Or when she bought underwear in the same colors Shauna had once said she liked. She couldn’t imagine that. Could she?
The drawer clicked shut. Jackie’s voice floated over again, playful. “You’re so quiet. Are you really asleep?”
Shauna stayed still, steadying her breath.
A pause, then Jackie giggled softly to herself, as if that answered her question. Shauna wanted to look, needed to look, but she held back, pressing her mouth into the pillow until she could taste the cotton.
She was twenty-one years old. She should be able to control herself. She should be able to live with her best friend without falling apart every time she changed her clothes. Without this constant thrum of want in her chest.
But lying there, listening to Jackie hum again, Shauna admitted the truth to herself, she didn’t want to stop looking. She didn’t want to stop wanting. She just wanted Jackie.
Her eyes flicked open one last time, betraying her. Jackie was at the mirror, arms raised as she pinned back her hair. The stretch of her body, the curve of her chest in the light…. perfect. She caught herself staring and forced her gaze down, but it didn’t matter. The image was already burned into her.
Shauna buried her face in the pillow again, heart racing, caught between shame and the dizzy rush of desire.
How am I supposed to survive this? How am I supposed to live in this apartment, in this skin, day after day?
Jackie laughed at something on the radio and twirled in front of the mirror, skirt flaring. Shauna closed her eyes tight, gripping the sheets until her knuckles hurt.
God, Jackie. You’ll never know. You can’t ever know. And I’ll never stop wanting you.
The bedroom was medium sized, two single beds pressed into the corners still left room for a small wardrobe and chest of drawers each. Sometimes she felt so trapped by the confines of this small area shared with the woman she had loved before knowing what love was. She rolled over again and decided to sleep if it would come to her.
° ° ° ° ° ° ° ° ° ° ° ° ° ° ° ° ° ° °
Shauna stared at the ceiling.
It was past one a.m., the street outside quiet, the radiator clunking now and then in the corner. She should’ve been asleep hours ago. Class in the morning, quiz to study for, all the responsible things she told herself mattered. But Jackie was pressed against her side again, curled in close like she always did, her soft breath ghosting against Shauna’s neck.
Two single beds in the apartment, but only one ever seemed to matter. Jackie had her own, clean sheets, a comforter, even throw pillows but more than half the time she ended up here, in Shauna’s, slipping under the covers like it was her right.
Shauna didn’t push her away. She couldn’t.
It was delicious torture. A blessing and a curse. Jackie’s hair tickling her skin, Jackie’s knee brushing against her thigh, Jackie’s arm draped across her stomach in sleep. Shauna lay stiff as a board, heartbeat pounding so loud she swore Jackie must be able to hear it.
She wanted to roll over, bury her face in Jackie’s hair, breathe her in until she was dizzy. She wanted to touch her. She wanted…. Fuck, she wanted everything.
Instead, she clenched her fists against the mattress and stayed perfectly still.
This was her life now. Twenty-one years old and acting like some lovesick teenager who didn’t know what to do with herself.
It wasn’t like Jackie ever brought anyone back here. That would’ve been worse, unbearable, to hear her giggling and gasping with some faceless guy in the bed two feet away. But Shauna had seen her make out with plenty of them at parties, pressed against walls or laughing into sloppy kisses. And a handful of times, Jackie didn’t come home at all.
Those nights were hell. Shauna lay alone in their room, imagining where she was, who she was with, what she was doing. Rage burned under her skin, sick and hot, but it was never enough to make her stop wanting.
Jackie always came back to her anyway. Sometimes just climbing into bed wordlessly at dawn, body cold and legs tangled in Shauna’s without thought. Other times whispering in the dark, half-laughing, half-complaining about the guy.
“He didn’t even know what he was doing,” Jackie muttered once, her nose buried against Shauna’s shoulder, her hand brushing over Shauna’s stomach in lazy circles. “God, guys are so dumb sometimes.”
Shauna had swallowed hard, every muscle locked. She would never be dumb. She would never be careless. She would make Jackie feel….
She cut the thought off fast, rolling it into a knot inside her chest. She couldn’t think like that. It wouldn’t lead anywhere good.
And there was the other problem….. release. Or lack of it. With Jackie in her bed so often, Shauna barely had a chance. She needed to, badly… every nerve in her body begged for it, but what was she supposed to do? Touch herself while Jackie was asleep wrapped around her? The thought made her burn with shame and ache with want all at once.
So she took longer showers instead. Pressed her face against the tile and let the water run hot while she moved her hand between her thighs, desperate and silent. Even that wasn’t safe. Twice now Jackie had knocked on the door, asking if she was almost done, her voice light and teasing. Shauna had nearly bitten through her tongue trying to finish fast without making a sound.
She was unraveling.
Jackie murmured something in her sleep, shifting closer, her breath warm on Shauna’s throat.
Shauna closed her eyes tight. Don’t move. Don’t think. Don’t want this so much.
But she did. God, she did.
Every night it was the same, Jackie against her, Shauna rigid with longing, praying for morning and dreading it at the same time.
It was a kind of hell…. and she hated how much she craved the burn.
° ° ° ° ° ° ° ° ° ° ° ° ° ° ° ° ° ° °
Jackie stood in front of the mirror, holding up a lacy bra like she was modeling it for an invisible audience.
“What about this one?” she asked, voice casual but not careless. “Too much? Or… just enough?”
Shauna’s throat went dry. She was on her bed, textbook open in front of her, but she hadn’t read a single line. She couldn’t. Jackie was right there, turning side to side, tugging at the delicate straps like it mattered what Shauna thought.
“You look fine,” Shauna muttered, eyes fixed on the page.
“Just fine?” Jackie’s brows shot up in mock offense. She smirked, slipping the bra over her head. “You’re blushing.”
“I’m not.”
“You totally are.” Jackie laughed, soft and amused, like she’d won some game only she knew the rules to. “You’re so cute when you do that.”
Shauna wanted to scream. Instead, she bent lower over her notes, heat creeping up her neck.
Jackie had hookups. A few over the years, one-night things after parties. But a date? Jackie hadn’t gone on a real date since Jeff. And Jeff didn’t even count. This guy wasn’t a friend, wasn’t someone familiar. Just some random she’d met on the quad.
Shauna’s stomach twisted. She kept telling herself she didn’t care. She wasn’t her girlfriend. She wasn’t anything. But by the time Jackie left the apartment in a short skirt and the low cut top Shauna had failed to talk her out of, Shauna was fuming.
The hours dragged. She made coffee she didn’t need, flipped channels without watching, tried to read, failed. All she could picture was Jackie smiling at that stranger, letting him put his hands on her, letting him…..
Shauna shoved the thought away so hard it made her dizzy. She went to bed, knowing she couldn't sleep but needing to stay still.
Did Jackie know what she was doing to her? It seemed likely, maybe even obvious when Shauna thought it. Was Jackie playing with her? Some desperate little toy she could keep at home, keep on edge and starved of affection. The thought angered and hurt Shauna in equal measure.
When the door finally opened, it was earlier than she expected. Jackie slipped inside, hair mussed but not in the way Shauna had dreaded.
“You’re home early,” Shauna said, voice sharper than she meant.
Jackie grinned, toeing off her shoes. “He didn't measure up Shipman, what can I say, I’m hard to please.”
And just like that, she peeled herself out of her clothes, left in the lacy set Shauna had picked with her silence, and climbed into bed. Into Shauna’s bed.
The mattress dipped. Shauna’s breath hitched. Jackie curled close, her skin cool from the night air, her hair brushing Shauna’s cheek.
Before Shauna could stop herself, she rolled to face her. To ask, what do you mean? Why are you telling me this? Why me? She had finally had enough.
But then Jackie shifted. Her thigh slid forward, slipping perfectly, impossibly, between Shauna’s. Pressed right against the place Shauna had been aching all night.
Shauna gasped. She couldn’t help it.
Jackie froze. A long, suspended moment passed, the world narrowed to the heat of Jackie’s body, the slick pulse between Shauna’s legs, the sound of her own pounding heart.
Then Jackie moved, not away, not pulling back, but closer. She wrapped her arms around Shauna, nuzzled into her neck like nothing had happened.
“I just… like being here more anyway,” Jackie murmured, already drifting.
And then she was asleep. Just like that.
Shauna lay rigid, soaked and wrecked, her whole body thrumming, her mind a tangle of fury and longing and something perilously close to hope.
Jackie’s breathing evened out within minutes. A soft, steady rhythm against Shauna’s throat, warm puffs of air that should have been comforting. They weren’t. They were unbearable.
Shauna couldn’t move. Jackie’s thigh was still there, wedged perfectly, pressed right against her. Every tiny shift, every unconscious twitch as Jackie settled deeper into sleep, sent sparks racing through her body. Shauna bit down on her lip so hard it ached, terrified of making a sound.
Her whole body burned. She could feel how wet she was, soaked through her underwear, the damp heat clinging to Jackie’s skin where they touched. The shame of it made her dizzy.
She should move. She should slide back, put space between them, do anything but lie here like this. But she didn’t. She couldn’t.
Jackie had said she liked being here more anyway.
The words played on a loop in her head, twisting and tugging until they didn’t sound innocent anymore. They sounded like something else, something deliberate, like Jackie knew exactly what she was doing and wanted Shauna pinned in place, gasping and undone.
Shauna’s hands fisted in the sheets. Her hips ached with the urge to move, to grind just once against the pressure, to take the edge off. But if Jackie woke up…if she realized….
Shauna squeezed her eyes shut. She tried to breathe through it, to think of anything else. Her classes. Her mom’s last phone call. Grocery lists. Nothing worked. It was all drowned out by the weight of Jackie’s body, the sweet scent of her hair, the faint brush of her lips against Shauna’s collarbone as she murmured in her sleep.
Shauna was wrecked. Completely, utterly wrecked.
She stayed frozen until her muscles screamed, until the sky outside their window lightened by the smallest fraction, until the pulse between her thighs felt like it might tear her apart.
Only then did she dare shift back, inch by inch, breaking contact with Jackie’s thigh. She turned toward the wall, away from the girl wrapped in her sheets, and bit into her pillow to muffle the sound of her own ragged breathing.
I can’t live like this. I can’t survive her. And I can’t stop.
The thought hit her with the force of truth, heavy and terrifying.
Behind her, Jackie sighed in her sleep and reached across the empty space, seeking her out even unconsciously.
Shauna stared at the dark wall, her heart hammering, her body trembling with need she couldn’t name out loud.
She was trapped, and something needed to break eventually.
° ° ° ° ° ° ° ° ° ° ° ° ° ° ° ° ° ° °
Shauna heard her before she saw her, the uneven rhythm of boots on the hallway tile, the soft bump of a shoulder against the doorframe, keys clattering and then a whisper of a curse. The clock on her desk read 1:43 a.m. The moonlight beamed in like it was judging her life choices. She lay on her back and stared at the ceiling, wired and furious and aching, because she had pictured this a hundred ways tonight and they all hurt.
The lock clicked. The door opened. Jackie slipped in on a crinkle of cool night air, lipstick a little smudged, hair lifted by the wind, cheeks flushed and glittering like she’d been laughing too hard for too long. The smell of cheap beer and someone else’s cologne drifted in with her. Shauna swallowed it like punishment.
“Hey,” Jackie said, closing the door with her hip, voice soft so it wouldn’t wake… who, exactly? Just Shauna, already not asleep.
“You’re loud,” Shauna said. Not hello. Not “are you okay.” The words came out flat, which was better than the other options, please don’t ever leave me alone like that again, or did you let him touch you?, or did you think of me even once?
Jackie kicked off her boots by the dresser and missed, one toppled over and rolled. She giggled at it like it was charming, then bent down and righted it carefully, tongue between her teeth in concentration. Something in Shauna’s chest twisted, helpless against how sweet that looked.
“You were up?” Jackie asked.
“Apparently,” Shauna muttered.
“Sorry.” Jackie’s eyes flicked over, quick and bright, reading the room the way she always did. “I thought you’d be dead to the world.” She unzipped her skirt without ceremony and stepped out of it, the fabric slumping like it had given up. Then the shirt followed, leaving the lingerie she’d bought in the colour Shauna had commented on earlier this week, soft dove-grey with pale lace that made Shauna’s mouth dry out. She stood there fussing with the strap at her shoulder, watching herself in the mirror as if Shauna weren’t five feet away trying not to choke.
It was infuriating, how easy she was in her body. Infuriating how carefully she wasn’t looking at Shauna while also…. Absolutely…. looking for her. Shauna could feel it, the slanted attention, the way Jackie’s back straightened a little when she smoothed her hands down her own sides, as if the action needed an audience to count.
“Had fun?” Shauna asked, because she couldn’t not. The words were acid on her tongue.
Jackie made a face in the mirror. “Mmm. Parts of it.” She unclipped her necklace and set it on the dresser, fingers neat and precise. “They were playing terrible music. But I danced anyway.”
“With who?” Shauna asked, hating herself in real time.
“Everyone.” Jackie smiled at herself, then turned toward Shauna as if remembering she was supposed to. “There was this guy from class who thinks he’s a DJ now.” She mimed a little scratch with her hand, ridiculous, adorable. “He was sweet.”
Sweet. Shauna could scream. “Did you…..?” She cut herself off, jaw tight.
Jackie tilted her head. “Did I what?”
“Nothing.”
Jackie’s smile curved, like she’d heard the real question anyway. “You’re blushing,” she said softly, amusement with an edge. Then, lighter, teasing the way she always did, “So cute.”
“I’m not cute,” Shauna snapped, and the heat climbing her throat betrayed her. She sat up too fast and the notebook on her lap slid to the floor with a slap.
Jackie watched it fall, then watched Shauna. Something evaluative flickered across her face and vanished, replaced by a shrug that was probably meant to look harmless. “You’re cute,” she said anyway, like a fact. She turned back to the mirror and slid her thumbs under the band of the bra as if testing its give. “This was a good pick,” she added, glance flicking up to catch Shauna’s eyes in the glass. “Thanks.”
Shauna wanted to march across the room and rip it off her…. wanted to say you picked it because I couldn’t say no and that’s not the same as asking me, but instead she pushed the heel of her hand against her sternum until the pressure made her see stars.
“Do you….” Jackie began, then hesitated in a way that wasn’t like her. “Do you think…” She trailed off, cheeks pinking, and then laughed it off and reached for the clasp on the bra. “Never mind.”
“What,” Shauna said, sharper than she intended.
Jackie’s eyes met hers in the mirror again. “Do you think guys would like this?” she asked, sweet as poison. “Or is it too much?”
Shauna’s heart slammed so hard her breath stuttered. “You already know the answer.”
Jackie held her gaze for a heartbeat longer, then looked down, smile curving like she’d gotten what she came for, whatever that was. “Maybe.”
“I need to sleep,” Shauna said, which had nothing to do with anything. She lay back and stared at the ceiling again because if she watched Jackie one second longer she would either cry or beg.
“Me too,” Jackie murmured, but she didn’t sound particularly worried. She folded her skirt over the chair, lined her boots up properly like she was making amends with the universe, then crossed to her own bed for once and collapsed face-first with a soft oof. She rolled, reached under the covers, and tugged the blanket up to her chest. “God, I’m tired.”
“Then sleep,” Shauna said.
Jackie’s voice floated through the half-dark. “You’re mad at me.”
“I’m not……” Shauna began, then stopped, because the lie was going to combust in the air and set off the fire alarm. “I don’t know.”
“You’re mad,” Jackie said again, but gentler this time, like she was soothing a skittish animal. “It’s okay.”
No, it isn’t. It isn’t okay that you leave me, come back smelling all wrong, ask me what men think about the way lace looks on your skin like my opinion is a toy. It isn’t okay that you climb into my bed and breathe on my neck and tangle your legs with mine and then act surprised that I can’t think straight. It isn’t okay that I would let you ruin me and you still choose strangers.
“Go to sleep,” Shauna said, because if she said anything else it would break open something she didn’t know how to put back.
Across the room, Jackie sighed. The bedsprings creaked. The whisper-scrape of fabric on skin. A beat of silence. Another.
“Okay,” she said softly. “Goodnight.”
The room settled. The apartment creaked and groaned. A car hissed past on wet pavement outside. Shauna’s pulse pressed hot against her lips, her throat, the insides of her wrists. It wouldn’t slow. She rolled onto her side and faced the blank wall, counting her breaths, then counting backwards, then naming state capitals silently like she could bludgeon her body into calm.
It didn’t work. Her skin felt too tight. Her underwear was damp and clingy in a way that made her want to claw at them. She could still see, in the static burn of her eyelids, Jackie’s reflection in the mirror, how the lace cupped and revealed, how she’d lifted the strap with two fingers and let it snap lightly against her shoulder, testing Shauna’s restraint just because she could.
Enough.
The thought arrived clean and cold, and behind it rose something hotter and meaner that had her shifting to lie flat on her back before she’d fully decided to move. Across the room, Jackie’s silhouette was a soft hill under her blanket, she’d rolled onto her side, facing Shauna, one arm curled beneath her cheek.
Enough hiding. Enough pretending.
Shauna slid one hand under her blanket, the rough weave catching at her knuckles, and pressed her palm over herself through cotton. The relief of it was immediate, dizzying, horrible. She breathed out… quiet, but not that quiet.
From the other bed, immediately, as though they moved as one being… “Shauna?” Jackie’s voice was small, muzzy with the edge of sleep. “What are you doing?”
The old shame rose on reflex, ready to knock her back into the shape of a good girl. Shauna watched it come and didn’t move. She kept her hand exactly where it was and added pressure…. barely, just enough to make her teeth click in her jaw.
“I’m going to fuck myself,” she said.
Silence. It rang, the truth rising like a wave, crashing over everything. Crashing over what was left or could be left of their friendship.
“What?” Jackie’s blanket rustled as she shifted. The word wasn’t disgusted. It was startled, confused, curious in a way that made something inside Shauna smile, sharp and private.
“You asked?” Shauna said, and she let her hips push up into her hand once. A quiet sound escaped her throat before she could strangle it, humiliating and perfect. “I am fucking myself Jackie”
There was a little pause, like Jackie was deciding what script they were in. Shauna knew this could all fall down in a single breath but she was beyond caring now. Then, softly, “How?”
Shauna’s breath hitched. She hadn’t expected that, and the part of her that was always braced for mockery…….you’re so weird about this stuff, Shauna…….found nothing to grab. Jackie sounded… earnest. Nervous. And suddenly Shauna could see the path through the dark with uncanny clarity. Something new settled in her chest, something that felt like… control.
“If you’re so interested,” she said, pulse thudding against her tongue, “come here and find out.”
Another beat. The blankets whispered again. Shauna watched the dark shape of Jackie sit up, hesitate, then stand. No bravado now, no toss of hair or angle of hip, she was smaller like this, careful as she padded across the floor, breath quick like she was the one intruding.
Closer. Closer. Shauna kept her hand moving lazily, taunting both of them. Her shirt had bunched up under the blanket, the cool air kissed the band of her underwear and the strip of stomach above it. She wanted Jackie to see. She wanted Jackie to see exactly what she did to her.
“Stop,” Shauna said when Jackie reached the side of the bed.
Jackie froze, eyes wide and dark even in the low light. “Should I…….”
“Sit,” Shauna told her, nodding to the edge at Shauna’s knees. “Right there.”
Jackie obeyed. She perched gingerly, palms on the mattress beside her thighs like she wasn’t sure what to do with her hands. Shauna felt a vicious thrill….months of being pinned by Jackie’s casualness tilting all at once.
She slid the blanket down slowly, a reveal staged for a single-person audience. The fabric pooled at her hips. Her underwear was darkened with wet, the cotton clinging indecently. Her fingers circled her clit through the damp, a slow, obscene rhythm that made her breath catch every few beats. The rise of her stomach was bare where her top had ridden up, a soft curve that she suddenly loved for how it made Jackie’s eyes dip and then dart away, as though she’d been caught looking.
Jackie’s mouth parted. No words came out.
“Do you fuck yourself, Jackie?” Shauna asked conversationally, like she could talk about this over coffee.
Jackie blinked. The pulse at her throat jumped. “No,” she said after a moment, voice hushed. “Not really.”
Shauna’s laugh came out breathless and mean and honest. “Just let guys have disappointing sex with you then, that's how little you think of yourself is it?” She arched a little into her hand and the bed complained softly beneath her. She didn’t look away.
A flush crept up Jackie’s chest, pooling high on her cheeks. “I don’t….” She shook her head, frustrated. “I don’t have sex,” she blurted, the words tumbling like she wanted them out of her. “I never… I can’t.”
Oh.
The sound that shook out of Shauna was more a groan than a word, involuntary and low, like her body had answered before her brain could line up thoughts. The anger that had been gnawing at her all night broke apart and fell through her like ash. She pressed a little harder, because she couldn’t not. “You don't have sex?”
Jackie’s lashes fluttered. “Not really. Not… like that.” She swallowed. “It’s always… wrong? Too much, or not enough, and I….” She cut herself off, eyes flicking from Shauna’s face to her hand and back, helpless and hungry and locked in place.
“Jesus,” Shauna breathed. The power rolling through her felt like a living thing…..bright, sure, not cruel exactly but edged. All those nights of being made small, all those mornings where Jackie’s breath on her neck left her wrecked and silent…. this was what she’d been keeping down. Not the want. The certainty.
“So no one can fuck you,” she said softly, deliberately, letting each word land. Her fingers drew a tighter circle. “No one can get you off.” Her hips answered her hand, a subtle rise that made light bloom behind her eyes, and she felt the control again. The sure feeling of stepping into a role you never knew you could be born for. She smirked “Fuck, that's so pathetic Jackie,” the power rolled through her, building with confidence “Can you even get yourself off?”
Jackie nodded, the tiniest motion, as if anything bigger would tip her into whatever waited. “I….” Her lips trembled. “I don’t do it very often…”
“Fuck your a total imposter, acting like you know what your doing, and putting me down for not sleeping around. I bet I could teach you a thing or two” Shauna said, and she let the promise curl like smoke in the space between them.
She watched Jackie’s breath catch on it. She watched a dozen expressions fight quiet battles under her skin, fear, want, something like relief. Shauna’s own breathing was rough now, every inhale snagging on the pleasure stacking low and dense in her belly. She could end this in seconds if she wanted. She didn’t. Not yet. Not while Jackie looked like that…. open and uncertain and unbearably honest.
Jackie’s hands flexed on the mattress, like she was resisting the urge to reach. “Shauna,” she whispered, and there was a plea in it. Not stop. Not continue. Just Shauna.
“I could,” Shauna said, voice going hoarse. She drew the words up from someplace new and fearless. “I could fuck you ‘til you scream, Jax.”
Jackie gasped… small, shocked, no bravado at all, and the sound arrowed through Shauna like heat.
Jackie’s breath hitched, startled, and her hand lifted on instinct toward Shauna.
Shauna caught her wrist. “No.”
Jackie’s eyes snapped up. The tilt and twirl she wore in daylight were gone, what looked back at Shauna was unguarded and bright with want.
“We’re not doing that anymore,” Shauna said, surprised by how steady her voice sounded now that she’d chosen it. “You don’t just get what you want. You don’t take and take and leave me holding what's left.”
“Shauna….”
“You can look Jax, but you can't touch” The words slid into Shauna’s bones like a key turning. “Now be a good girl and get on your knees.”
Jackie folded at once, a soft sound catching in her throat as she sank to the rug beside the bed. She sat back on her heels, hands hovering with all their old habits of taking what she wanted, the mattress dipping under the nearness of her.
“Put them on your thighs,” Shauna said. “Keep them there.”
Jackie obeyed. Fingers spread, pressing down, the tendons in her wrists standing out.
“Do you like what you see,” Shauna added, because she wanted to hear it. “Is this what you want?”
“Yes.” Jackie has never sounded more certain while also being so apprehensive, she bit her bottom lip as if she were worried she would explain too much.
“Then watch and learn”
Shauna eased the blanket down only as far as she meant to, just enough to show the lift of her breathing, the hem of her shirt hitched high by happenstance. Her hand stayed beneath, moving in a small, deliberate rhythm that belonged to her and no one else. Not a performance. Instruction.
Jackie’s pupils went wide, her mouth stayed parted like a word had taken up residence there. Her eyes moved down quickly and back, Shauna snapped quickly “Don’t look away Jax, don’t act like this isn't exactly what you want”
Jackie whimpers as she meets her eyes
“You know what I see?” Shauna’s tone found a metronome and kept it. “A girl who throws herself at men she doesn’t even like because it’s easier than asking for what she wants. Who thinks she isn't obvious in her little games.”
Jackie flinched but she held eye contact, her lips parted in a gasp
“And a girl who rubs herself all over me and calls it innocent,” Shauna went on, the truth warm on her tongue at last. “Your breath on my neck. Your legs in my sheets. Begging for my attention without saying the word.” She tipped her head. “Did you think I wouldn’t notice?”
“I didn’t know what you wanted,” Jackie whispered, cheeks hot, voice smaller than Shauna was used to hearing.
“You never asked.” Shauna kept her rhythm even, refusing the rush she could fall into with one thoughtless breath. Control tasted like air after so long underwater. “You come home complaining that boys don’t know what they’re doing and then crawl into my bed like I’ll fix it for you.”
Jackie’s fingers curled on her own thighs, nails denting skin. “I wasn’t trying to….”
“You were,” Shauna said simply. “Because you’re desperate.” She watched the word land, watched relief and mortification bloom together. “Pathetic.”
Jackie’s breath snagged, tears welling in her eyes. The hurt Shauna braced for didn’t arrive, something like truth did. “I’m trying,” Jackie said, wrecked and earnest. “I don’t… I don’t know how.”
“I know.” Shauna’s voice softened without losing its edge. “That’s why you’re here, on your knees, hoping I will play with you and maybe you will finally feel something”
Jackie’s face crumbled as the tears silently fell, Shauna waited for guilt, but all she felt was a thrill that rushed through her at lightning speed. She sat up, quickly turned so her back was against the wall and Jackie was kneeling between her legs now, legs she widened further.
Jackie’s face was already wrecked, eyes red-rimmed and shining, lashes spiked together from the well of tears she had tried and failed to hold back. Her cheeks were wet and starting to blotch, the skin around her nose beginning to flush. Tears slid freely now, catching on the curve of her mouth before falling, some disappearing into the hollow at the base of her throat. Her bottom lip was slightly swollen from biting it, trembling with each uneven breath, and the soft skin under her eyes had puffed up, tender and pink. Strands of hair fell to her temples and jaw, framing the mess of her expression, open, shaking, heartbreakingly human.
Shauna’s hand came up slowly, fingers trembling before they steadied against Jackie’s cheek. Her thumb brushed through the wetness there, catching a tear and dragging it down to her jaw. Jackie leaned into the touch almost imperceptibly, drawn to it despite everything, eyes flicking up with a need that looked half-shame, half-devotion.
“Is that what you want Jax? You want me to play with you like the pathetic little toy you are, pick you up and put you down when I am bored of you?” Shauna asked, voice low, edged with something new, an authority that didn’t ask permission.
The words landed like a challenge and a promise. Jackie didn’t answer right away, she just breathed, uneven and desperate, her body tilting closer as if pulled. The humiliation was still there, bright, raw, but threaded through it was a trembling want, a longing that stripped her of pride. Shauna felt it like a current between them, sharp and alive, the moment tipping from pity to power, from hesitation to control.
Jackie’s throat worked as she tried to find her voice. For a second she only nodded, small, instinctive, almost frightened of what agreeing out loud might mean. Her eyes dropped, lashes wet against her cheeks.
Shauna’s fingers slid from her jaw to the base of her chin, guiding her gaze back up. “No,” she said softly, not cruel, but with the kind of steadiness that left no room to hide. “I want to hear you say it”
Jackie’s breath shuddered out. Her lips parted, closed, then parted again as if the air itself fought her. “I…” she began, the word catching, fragile. She blinked hard, tears shaking loose. “I want this.”
Shauna tilted her head, eyes narrowing just a fraction. “Want what?”
Jackie swallowed, voice barely more than a whisper now, trembling but certain. “I want… you to …. to play with me…. like you said.” The admission left her in a rush of air, and with it, something in her posture gave, shoulders softening, spine bowing slightly forward.
Shauna felt the balance shift again, felt the weight of it settle between them. Power and trust, the pulse of it so close it was almost audible. She traced her thumb once more over Jackie’s cheek, slow and deliberate, until the last of the tears shone under the light.
“Good,” Shauna murmured, her tone a promise and a warning both. “Then you’ll listen and do as you're told?”
Jackie nodded again, eyes wide, breath shallow, waiting.
Shauna watches her face as she moves her hand, ghosting over her stomach before pushing into her underwear, Jackie’s pupils blow, a groan escaping her as she rolls her hips against nothing. Shauna feels a rush of arousal and a clench in her lower abdomen that almost feels like pain, she has never been this turned on.
“You think I don’t see what you do?” Shauna asked softly. The words came measured, even, but something darker rippled underneath, the kind of steadiness that made every syllable land like a touch. “The way you lie in my bed like it’s yours. The way you breathe on my neck as if you don't know what that does. You never give me a moment’s peace, Jackie. Never.”
Shauna moves her fingers sweeping around her clit as her back arches and she groans, her other hand fisting into the sheet beside her.
Jackie’s lips parted, but no sound came out. Her eyes drop to follow the movement of Shauna’s hand.
Shauna rolls her hips as she sets a steady pace, she could come in an instant but that's not what she wants, she keeps her movements careful and light. “You think it’s innocent?” she pressed. “The brushing against me in your sleep? The way you curl into me and act like you don’t know what you’re doing?”
Jackie shook her head quickly, voice cracking when it finally came. “I just wanted to be close.”
Shauna’s mouth curved, cruel with something that might’ve been recognition. “You wanted to be seen,” she corrected. “You wanted me to be some kind of lap dog, happy to survive on tiny morsels of your affection?”
Jackie swallowed hard. “I didn’t mean -”
“Yes, you fucking did.” Shauna moves her hand down, circling around her entrance, her voice dropping low, the command in it soft but absolute. “Now look at you, you would let me do whatever I wanted to you wouldn't you?”
Jackie’s tears gathered again, slipping down her face in steady, silent streams. Her whole body trembled under the weight of the truth hanging between them.
Shauna moved forward, grabbing Jackie by the hair at the back of her head, pulling her forward harshly and forcing her to make eye contact. Her other hand never leaving her underwear, fingers still circling her entrance.
“I want to hear you say it, you would let me do anything and we both know it.” Shauna brings her lips slowly to Jackie’s so she can feel them ghost as she speaks, sharp and cruel.
“You would crawl over broken glass to lick the slick of my thighs Taylor”
Jackie’s groan of “yes” is met by Shauna’s moan of pleasure as she sinks two fingers into herself and feels her walls twitch and pulse.
She keeps her grip on Jackie, holding their faces close as she starts to fuck herself in a steady rythm. Jackie’s body is trembling, her hands now balled into fists on her thighs.
“I bet your absolutely drenched Jax aren't you” Jackie nods pathetically, her big eyes looking into Shauna's begging for mercy that won't come. Shauna lets go of her hair moving her hand back on the bed as she says “Maybe I will let you touch yourself…” Jackie's whimper is utterly pathetic, Shauna continues “Or I can take these off and show you exactly what you have been missing.”
She has never felt as sure or confident in her life, especially when Jackie visibly gulps and breathes out on a gasp “please let me see Shauna…”
Shauna has to be careful not to let the impact of these words show on her face, keeping hold of her control in this moment…. The moment Jackie chooses to see her rather than take her own pleasure. That has a powerful response on Shauna, she feels the rush in her chest and the swift clench of arousal that beats through her. Shauna removes her hand as she grabs her underwear, she makes direct eye contact with Jackie before letting her eyes flick down and up again, smirking as she speaks “You first then”
Jackie gulps, she knows she has been called out, knows she has flaunted and teased and pushed as far as she can. Now Shauna has come to collect.
Jackie’s hands trembled as she obeyed, the nervous energy of it radiating through the small room. Every motion carried the confession she hadn't been able to voice, that this was what she’d wanted all along, to be seen, to be named. Shauna’s gaze followed her, cool and unwavering, power collected in her stillness as Jackie slid the soaked fabric down her thighs, a whimper escaping her softly.
Shauna cuts in “stay on your knees, just pull them down so I can see how wrecked you are” and oh is Jackie wrecked, her arousal clings to the damp fabric of her ruined lingerie. Her face flushed with humiliation as she feels air cool the damp slick down her thighs, showing how utterly into this she is.
Shauna’s mouth waters as she sees the neat landing strip on Jackie’s mound leading to soft pink folds that are glistening as Jackie tries with all her might not to twitch and move over friction that isn't there.
“What's caused all this Jax?” Jackie moves her fingers up her thigh and Shauna reaches out quickly bringing her hand carefully but firmly to Jackie's throat, she squeezes gently feeling the puff of air escape Jackie as Shauna brings her face closer, her lips to Jackie's ear, her voice low and gravely as she speaks
“No, you don’t touch unless I say, you don't get to call the shots, your hands stay on your messy thighs, that understood?”
Jackie nods her head before remembering Shauna's earlier command “Yes… I understand…. Just… please… let me see you”
Shauna releases her, watching the soft red blush on Jackie’s neck where Shauna’s fingers had been, she loved to see her marks on Jackie, she intended to leave many more - but not tonight, tonight was about watching Jackie suffer while Shauna is the cause of it.
Shauna moved to hook her thumbs on her waistband, tugging slowly as she pulled her underwear down, she could feel the fabric clinging to her swollen soaked pussy as the air hit her causing a small gasp. Jackie’s eyes were fixed, her tongue poking to rest on her bottom lip, her eyes a blaze of hunger. Shauna felt the confidence radiate again, the sureness of her role here, something she had never felt before.
Shauna moved with measured calm, every motion deliberate, unhurried, the kind of control that made silence feel heavy. Jackie, by contrast, couldn’t stay still. The tension in her body betrayed her, shoulders drawn tight, knees moving slightly together and then apart again, hands twitching uselessly in her lap following an instruction she longed to break.
Shauna trailed her hand up her thigh before letting it ghost over herself, arching her back slightly on a gasp and Jackie thrust - thrust on thin air with a strangled moan. It was the difference between chaos and command, between a body ruled by impulse and one ruled by decision. And for the first time, Shauna understood which side of that divide she wanted to be on.
“So worked up Jax… I haven't even touched myself and you are so desperate… just a toy to play with?”
Shauna moved her fingers to circle her clit, letting a small whimper escape her as her other hand grabs the sheet. The air changed when Shauna moved, Jackie leaned forward, as if a puppet on a string, like she is pulled forward without any conscious decision, her fingers digging into her thighs.
Shauna continues “Tell me what you would like Jax, tell me what dirty thoughts run through that simple little head”
Jackie’s eyes flick up, meeting Shauna’s eyes and seeing no mercy. She knows if she wants this to continue she will have to do as Shauna says. Shauna watches this process in Jackie’s mind as she moves her hand down to her entrance, trailing long swipes while not pushing in - waiting on Jackie’s next move.
Jackie’s words came out uneven, broken by shallow breaths. “I think about… you touching me. You… kissing me, your hands on my body and… Jesus, Shauna… you’re so beautiful.”
The confession hit the air like a spark. Shauna’s control faltered for a heartbeat, a sound escaped her, low and involuntary, closer to a groan than a word. It wasn’t anger or surprise, but something sharper, the shock of being seen in the way she didn't think Jackie would.
Jackie’s whole body reacted. Her breath stuttered, a tremor running through her as though Shauna’s sound had reached her physically. Her hands clenched against her thighs until the knuckles blanched, tendons standing out beneath flushed skin. Every muscle in her body seemed to argue with itself - stay still, move, stay still.
Her eyes dart to Shauna’s face and back down again, unable to hold the look for long. She trembled with restraint, the line of her jaw tightening, a small sound caught in her throat like she was holding back the rest of the confession.
Shauna watched her carefully, feeling the balance tilt again. Jackie’s vulnerability, the honesty of it, had weight. The room seemed smaller now, the space between them charged with unspoken momentum. Shauna’s breath quickened despite herself, a mix of power and disbelief threading through her veins.
Before Shauna could speak, Jackie rushed on, words tumbling out as if pulled by gravity, as if silence had become unbearable.
“I think about how wet you might get, how it would feel…. I …. I want to taste you”
Shauna lets out a choked moan as she lets two fingers sink deep again, Jackie moves as if to take part but stops herself again, a small cry slips from her, the word “please” barely audible, torn between surrender and permission. Her eyes glistened with a mixture of frustration and awe, fixed on Shauna as though she couldn’t breathe until she was told she could move.
Shauna steadied herself, breathing through the rush that clawed up her chest. She watched Jackie, every shiver, every tremor and felt the realization settle in, this was what control looked like, not taking, but holding, holding her want and Jackie’s attention.
“Please what Jax?” Shauna is breathless now as she sets the perfect rhythm. “Please let you touch me, let you taste me? You wouldnt even know what to do, you cant even get yourself off let alone anyone else, I would have to talk you through it, fuck your messy face myself just to use you enough to feel something”
Jackie flinched, her whole frame jerking as if she’d been struck by it. Then she broke. One hand shot forward, catching the edge of the bedsheet in a fist. The fabric bunched under her grip, knuckles stark white against the dark material. It wasn’t a decision, it was instinct, an outlet for everything she wasn’t allowed to do.
Shauna’s head tilted, her gaze sharp and unflinching. “Couldn’t even follow a simple instruction, could you?” Her tone was quiet, almost conversational, but every word landed with precision. “I told you to stay still.”
Jackie froze, fingers still locked around the sheet, breath stuttering in her chest. Her eyes darted up, wide and apologetic, but Shauna wasn't angry, she was sure.
“You can’t help yourself,” Shauna said softly, the faintest edge of a smile playing at her mouth. “You hear me moan, and you forget every rule you agreed to.” Shauna moved her other hand to circle her clit, continuing to move as she carefully worked herself slowly, not wanting this to be over too quickly.
Jackie swallowed hard, still gripping the sheet like it was the only thing keeping her upright. The silence that followed stretched, charged and waiting, an unspoken question hanging between them about whether this would be punishment or permission.
Shauna smirks, she can feel herself building, the need growing, her walls clenching and pulsing.
“Show me then Jax” and Jackie’s eyes light up like christmas trees - before Shauna finishes “Taste yourself…. Run your fingers through your soaked pussy and taste yourself while I fucking watch”
The flush on Jackie’s neck deepens and runs into her chest as the colour blooms over her face too. Shauna is sure she won't, almost hopes she won't so she can call Jackie useless, berate her further, when slowly… Then Jackie moved, slow and uncertain, as though she had to relearn her own body. The motion wasn’t graceful, it was halting, unsteady, human. She winced at herself, cheeks burning deeper with every heartbeat.
Shauna watched her closely, every small effort magnified under her gaze. There was something in the awkwardness that hit harder than any polished performance ever could. Shauna knew Jackie would hate this part, the loss of poise, the clumsy honesty of it. Jackie always wanted to look composed, untouchable, perfectly in control. But the truth was, this unguarded, awkward version of her was far more compelling. It was raw, unfiltered, and impossibly real. And to Shauna, it was a thousand times more beautiful than the polished act Jackie used to hide behind.
Shauna watches as Jackie’s fingers brush her lips, her body reacts immediately, Jackie’s head falls forwards slightly, her hips stutter to meet her and her one handed grip on the bed sheet is bound to hurt now. Shauna bites her lip for a moment to compose herself, watching Jackie react like this could push her over the edge in an instant.
“C’mon Jax, let me see how utterly soaked you are” Shauna pushes, loving the reaction she gets, Jackie pushing her fingers deeper, her shoulders shuddering as she sweeps over the tender pulsing flesh that has been begging for attention
“I.. I’ve never…. I am so wet, Shauna…. Please” The desperation in her voice is so palpable that Shauna has to stop her movements for fear she will cum immediately.
“I want to see you taste yourself, I want you to lick your slick of your fingers while I cum Jax”
Shauna is close, she can't hold this anymore. Seeing Jackie so destroyed in front of her is enough to undo her entirely.
Jackie lifts her hand.. And Shauna groans, it's soaked. She can see the blush of humiliation and realization of what's about to happen on Jackie’s face. Shauna’s walls clench around her and she moves tighter circles around her clit as Jackie moves her hand up.
“Fucking…Look at me Jax” Shauna stammers out, she wants to own every part of this, every shudder of Jackie’s body and look of humiliation laced with want and hunger.
Jackie opens her mouth, her eyes on Shauna in a silent plea of… more.
She lifts her fingers to her lips and moans as she licks her mess off her own hand before sucking her fingers into her mouth. Shauna snaps, the white hot build crashing in a powerful roll of pleasure through her entire body. Jackie’s body thrusts as she moves the hand on the bed to Shauna’s thigh needing to touch some part of her and the contact causes another surge of pleasure through Shauna.
“Jax…. fuck…” Shauna stumbles out as she rides her climax out to the bitter end.
Shauna feels delirious, she has never come that hard in her life, she isn't aware of anything around her until she feels her hand being tugged gently and then warmth… She looks to see Jackie sucking her fingers into her mouth, the brush of her tongue sure on the pads of Shauna’s fingers as she tastes her.
Shauna is about to speak, to gather her thoughts when Jackie pulls back “You taste so much better”
Shauna raises an eyebrow as she fixes Jackie with a steely stare
“But who said you could touch?”