Chapter Text
Freedom
Noun
- the power or right to act, speak or think as one wants.
“She was the symbol of freedom.”
- the state of not being imprisoned or enslaved.
“The little blue bird, craved for the freedom out of these bars.”
⋅˚₊‧ ⌛ ‧₊˚ ⋅
Yeosang always dreamed of freedom.
He would fantasize about running freely, without having to worry about falling and getting his clothes dirty or to rush to another lesson his parents put him into without asking him.
He would see friends having fun together and wish that he could have something like that too. People to talk to. Friends to laugh with. Doing silly things together that means nothing and everything at the same time. Like the children they are.
He would dream of the wind caressing his body, him standing on a green field with his arms open and eyes closed. He could almost feel the sun on his skin, warming his cold bones and heart. He could hear the birds chirping, singing with happiness and flying around. He would dream of falling to the grass below him and lying on the flower field, looking up at the sky, to the clouds and just exist.
And then he would be snapped to the unforgiving reality, he would then just wish to be free of these walls that bound him here, the place that he was supposed to call home, but not an home nonetheless.
He always felt like time stopped for him the moment he was born.
His life was built for him even before he had stepped into the earth, before he could even run around like a kid, barefooted and have mud all over him with a little childish giggle. He was just living the life like a video game, passing the levels for the goal that was already decided, no need for his opinions.
A beautiful bird in a golden cage. Forever stuck, no way to escape. Just stands there, looking through the railings to the world that was full of life. It kept going forward, always leaving him behind. He couldn't hold onto it, however much he tried. It didn't mean anything.
He just needed to do as it was told to him.
Nothing else.
⋅˚₊‧ ⌛ ‧₊˚ ⋅
He was on his way to his violin lesson when he saw a boy struggling with a vending machine, mumbling to himself.
“Come on… You stupid ass machine!” He said as he kicked it.
Yeosang just stared at him, thinking, what an idiot. He observed the boy, from afar, looking at his ridiculous stance, like picking a fight with a machine, mouth pulled at the sides with a sneer and arms raised. He sighed as the boy stomped his foot angrily, he looked at his watch, determining that he had time before his lesson. He made his way towards the boy and as the said boy still mumbled annoyedly to himself, he pressed the button that read ‘Drop’ on it.
“Yah!” The boy yelled, “I’m trying something here, wait your turn-”
The drink dropped immediately with a loud ‘tang!’. Yeosang stared at him silently, disappointedly.
The boy looked down at the drink and to Yeosang and down again. He blinked a couple of times before, “Oh!” He exclaimed, “Thank you!” He crouched down to pick up his drink.
Yeosang stared at him some more then nodded his head. He turned to leave, over and done with it when the boy called after him.
“Hey,” he called, “Hey!”
Yeosang turned back at him, tilting his head, “Yes?” He asked softly.
The boy looked surprised for a moment before, “What is your name?” He asked curiously.
Yeosang wondered why he would ask him that. Why would he wanna know about him, what it is to him? He looked at the boy more carefully, looked at his dark eyes and sharp cheekbones. The way his eyebrows lifted with interest and the slightly anxious hands at his sides, still holding the drink. His messy black hair stood proud, as the bruises on his arms looked like he was out of a fight recently other than the machine he just lost to. As he stared at him, Yeosang thought about how young these made him look. How he looked like a teenager, like he should be.
Unlike him, who always tried to look mature because his parents said so. Giggling, yapping or playing around was childish and not suitable for a family like theirs.
Jealousy flared inside of his bones for a moment. The boy in front of him looked so full of life and with a recklessness around him that Yeosang yearned for and couldn't even see in his dreams. Wouldn't dare to.
He swallowed the feeling inside, he felt it going down, down to his belly and below his abdomen. It went there and stopped, making a home for itself besides the other feelings he always swallowed down and never let them get out.
It wasn't the boy’s fault, he thought. Everyone deserves a life like this.
He lifted his head, looked him in the eyes, “Yeosang.” He said as he turned around, not waiting for a reaction.
As he was about to cross the street he heard the voice again.
“Wooyoung!” He screamed, “My name is Wooyoung!”
Yeosang looked back at him, what a weird name, he thought as he nodded towards him and went on his way.
Not thinking much about the encounter, just shocked at himself that he decided to help some stranger at all.
⋅˚₊‧ ⌛ ‧₊˚ ⋅
Yeosang came to the school and sat down on his desk like he always did since he was a little kid. He set his books down for the lesson and waited for class to start.
He stared outside the window, watching as students made their way into the school. Sun peeked over them gently, wrapping around them gently and greeting them for a new day ahead.
The plane tree beside the school shook with the wind, making the sunrays dance around. A bird landed on the branch closest to Yeosang. He looked at it, a Mountain Bluebird, he recognized. He loved birds, reminded him of the freedom he craved, he needed. He observed the bird as it chirped and cleaned itself with its beak. A soft wind hit Yeosang and he instinctively closed his eyes, welcoming the slight coolness.
“You are so lucky.” He whispered softly to the bird, “Be free.”
“Hey.” Someone called, snapping him from his thoughts.
He looked up, surprised, seeing the boy he came across a day ago. He nodded his head, acknowledging him.
“Remember me?” Wooyoung asked with a smile, “Forgotten already?”
“Wooyoung.” He said matter of factly.
“So you do remember.” He smirked, “You are not as cold as people say about you then.”
Yeosang looked at him with wide eyes for a moment then dropped his gaze to the tree again. The bird was still there, enjoying the view, maybe.
“You are not so talkative, huh.” Wooyoung observed as he put his hands inside his pockets.
“I have nothing to say.” Yeosang said, not looking up.
Wooyoung puffed out a laugh, “I see.” He said as the bell rang, “See you around then, Yeosang.” he left for his class.
Yeosang didn't think much about this encounter either because people that talked to him and promised to see him again, left him in the end. Everytime.
He didn't think it would be different with him either.
The bird looked at him for a moment, staring. It startled Yeosang because he felt like it knew everything about him. Maybe the things that even he himself didn't know. He felt like he was being watched as the bird blinked and flew away to the sky.
Yeosang wished he could do the same.
⋅˚₊‧ ⌛ ‧₊˚ ⋅
Apparently, he was wrong.
Wooyoung came back. The very next day when Yeosang thought that he wasn't seeing him ever again, he came back.
The first break after the class, Wooyoung sauntered in, like he owned the place, he plopped down onto the desk just in front of Yeosang and crossed his arms on the back of the chair, resting his head on them.
“Hi.” He said, with a big smile on his face.
Yeosang huffed, rolling his eyes, ignoring him while looking outside from the window.
“Yah!” Wooyung shouted dramatically, “Are you a main character from some kind of anime?!”
Yeosang didn't budge, acting like he wasn't there at all. He didn't need friends, even though his insides burned with the thought of it. No one stayed anyway.
“So you wanna play like that? Okay, then.” Wooyoung said with an annoyed tone.
With the silence that followed, Yeosang thought he left, already sick of it all. It was always the same, he knew. When people become even a little curious about him, the moment they talked to him, or tried to, they understood that it was for nothing. That Yeosang was just a plain old rich kid who just cared about classes and scores.
They all left, eventually.
“Did you know that penguins are monogamous?” Wooyoung said, ripping Yeosang out of his mind.
It was so out of blue that Yeosang couldn't help but look at Wooyoung with wide eyes, surprised.
Wooyoung grinned, “What? Why are you looking so shocked? You didn't know?”
Yeosang just stared at him, not knowing what to say.
Wooyoung took it as an yes, “Now, they are not entirely monogamous. Even though they stay with the same partner throught the seasons, they sometimes change partners or they could have side partners too. They are really not different than humans at all.” He rambled.
Still with the wide eyes and no clue to what was happening, Yeosang found himself listening to him even though he felt annoyed a little.
The other boy just rambled about random things as he didn't expect Yeosang to answer or acknowledge him at all. He knew he listened to him and it was enough for him.
He kept coming after that day too, not giving up.
Wooyoung kept doing this, coming to his class to just talk about whatever came to his mind. Be it about lions or some new animal he was obsessed about these days, or how butterflies were so beautiful and sad creatures to exist.
He managed to find Yeosang anywhere too. When he took some walk around the school or spent his time outside, sitting down on some space he found and watching the things around him or just to study, Wooyoung found him.
It was a mystery to Yeosang.
One day he even brought his childhood friend, Mingi was his name, on the lunch break to meet him. He didn't have enough friends, as Wooyoung put it. Yeosang didn't really care as long as they didn't mess with his routine.
Mingi was, opposite to his appearance, a very calm person. The moment they met and looked at each other for the first time, he just stared at him, nodded softly and said “Mingi.” like it was supposed to explain everything. Perhaps it actually did because Yeosang was the same as he nodded and told him his name like an exchange.
Wooyoung laughed at them, loud and full of life. Telling them how awkward they looked and to just act like how normal people do. Mingi smiled softly at him as he laughed, shoving him on the shoulder and Wooyoung laughed some more.
“You are one to talk!” Mingi exclaimed, “You are the most not normal person in here!”
Wooyoung wheezed, “I don't care! You guys are so weird!”
Yeosang thought he was gonna pull a muscle the way he laughed so hard.
He stared at Wooyoung for a moment, urging him to stop it already. The brunette wiped a tear from his eye and looked up to them, his body still shook with the giggles he let out now and then.
He looked at Yeosang and nodded, “Right, food. You want to get food, sorry.” He said with a grin, “You are more expressive now, Sangie! Good for you!”
Yeosang sighed disappointedly, not understanding why he let him near him and regretted it with passion.
⋅˚₊‧ ⌛ ‧₊˚ ⋅
When the last class rolled and ended with the going home bell, Yeosang put his belongings in his bag and stood up to leave for his cram school.
Wooyoung, like always, found him at the gate with a smile on his face.
“Hi!” He greeted, falling to step beside him, “How was your day?” He asked.
Yeosang looked at him briefly, “You saw me just before this class.” He said matter of factly.
Wooyoung groaned, “Yes, I know, Yeosangie!” He huffed, “I asked you how was your day!”
Yeosang sighed, “Good.” He nodded, “Yours?” He added after a pause.
Wooyoung looked like he won a prize. Did Yeosang not ask before? Whatever.
“Good! I had a great time! After I ate lunch with you guys, my classmates called me for a soccer match! It was fun!” He rambled, “I’m a little tired after that but a good time is always worth it! Also our mock exam results were announced today and I actually got a decent score this time!”
Yeosang listened to it all with practiced ease. It actually started to soothe him, as odd as it was. Not being buried in his own silence and loneliness actually made it easier to breathe.
“I’m glad.” He said, ghost of a smile crossed his face.
Wooyoung looked at him surprised, his eyes wide, “You should smile more.” He said, his eyes softening suddenly.
Yeosang looked at him, just stared at his face, nobody told him this before.
“I’m going this way.” He said, as they arrived at the junction.
Wooyoung stared at the road, “Where are you going? Cram school?”
Yeosang nodded, he always asked this question, knowing the answer. He couldn't understand why. He couldn't understand why he kept doing this, being near to Yeosang. Someone as outgoing as Wooyoung wasting his days away on a person like Yeosang, who had nothing to offer aside from class notes and which textbook was the best to study for exams. Following him around like a lost puppy but also make Yeosang feel like he was the one who did the following. His eyes unconsciously searched for him when he wasn't there and he stubbornly denied it to himself. He couldn't get attached, not to him.
“See you tomorrow, Sangie.” He said with a smile.
“See you.” Yeosang said back and started on his way.
He only went a couple of steps that Wooyoung spoke behind him for the first time.
“Aren’t you tired, Yeosang? Don't you want to do something else?” He asked, not judging, just a need to know.
Yeosang stopped, turning slowly and looking at his charcoal eyes full of sincerity. They shone with a quiet understanding and Yeosang found himself answering involuntarily. His heart yearned to be heard, to be listened. To be free.
“It is the only thing that I want.” He said softly, then turned around, continued on his way.
Leaving behind a heartbroken teenager who just learned something so precious about someone he loved. But he was more determined than ever, his eyes burned with clarification.
⋅˚₊‧ ⌛ ‧₊˚ ⋅
“Your scores are perfect, like always, Yeosang.” His mother spoke with a cold voice.
He hated the way she talked about him like he wasn’t there to hear her, like what he was feeling didn't matter. They were gonna do it in their own way anyway. His eyes traced the room like it wasn't his own house, not that he felt like he belonged here. This room always made his bones go cold. The painting that decorated the walls made the room look more haunted and colder.
Every vase, every furniture made his skin itch and his stomatch turn.
“You could do better, however,” she said, looking at his father, who was looking through his exam papers, “Your cram school exams look a little…”
“Indifferent.” His father finished, “Do you have anything to say about this, Yeosang?”
They didn't even look at his eyes. The only thing that mattered was his scores and his accomplishments. They looked like a good family portrait but they didn't know each other. They were strangers living under the same roof.
“I get bored there.” Yeosang said, “The classes are just so easy.”
He knew it was the wrong thing to say before he even opened his mouth. He didn't care though, he never did.
“Is that so?” His father said, standing up, “Well, I need an heir who does the things they need to do, easy or not, boring or not. How can you handle being the CEO if you can't even do these simple things?” He shouted, looking at him like he was some test subject.
“Sorry, sir.” Yeosang said, even though he wished to say other things, “It won't happen again, it was my inexperience.”
His father scoffed, “It better be, son. Otherwise everything is for nothing.” he said, leaving the room.
A silence followed his exit.
“You should listen to your father.” His mother spoke, clicking her tongue, “You need to be the perfect heir, Yeosang.” She said, following after him without looking at him again.
What is the point? Yeosang thought, looking around the living room and not understanding why they needed such a big house when they never used it to begin with. What is the point? He chanted in his head, over and over.
What is the point?
⋅˚₊‧ ⌛ ‧₊˚ ⋅
“Sangie!” Wooyoung shouted as he slammed his palms on his desk loudly, “I have a proposition to make!”
Yeosang didn't even flinch at his antics anymore, “Good morning to you too.” He said instead.
“Ah, yeah!” He said, remembering it now, “Good morning!”
Yeosang looked at him, urging him to continue with his rambling.
“Oh, right!” He said, Yeosang felt a kind of deja vu with it all, “I have a proposition to make!”
Like he said, deja vu.
He nodded his head, pulling out his books and pencil case for the class.
“I want you to come with me today after school!” He said with a bright smile.
It landed like a shock wave to the blond boy, his brain stopped for a moment.
“Come… with you?” He repeated.
“Yes!” Wooyoung exclaimed, bouncing on his toes, “After school!”
Yeosang looked torn, he had never done something like this before. He had… he doesn't have any schedule today, surprisingly. His cram school was giving a day off after the mock exams.
“Where?” He asked, looking at him uneasily.
Raven-haired boy looked at him with a grin, “That's a surprise!”
Yeosang grumbled under his breath, a surprise?
He contemplated for a moment. If he should trust the other boy since he didn't know him for a long time.
Should he risk it all?
Could he go somewhere that isn’t related to his education?
Is it allowed?
“Is that so?” His father’s voice resonated inside his brain.
“I need an heir who does things they need to do.”
That heir can go fuck themselves, Yeosang thought suddenly, surprising even himself but feeling a relief wash over him nonetheless.
“Sangie?” Wooyoung asked, a frown forming between his eyebrows.
“Okay.” Yeosang says in a breathe, feeling freer than ever.
“What?” The younger asks, surprised, hoping but not expecting him to accept.
“I will come with you.” Yeosang clarifies, “Okay.”
Wooyoung looks at him for a moment before jumping high with a loud cheer, Yeosang feels like his ears are bleeding and about to check when he gets enveloped by strong but warm arms.
“Yes!” Wooyoung cheers, jumping up and down while holding onto him, “I’m so glad! You won’t regret this!”
Yeosang just sighs as he listens and gets hugged as his friend lets out his excitement.
What an odd person, he thinks, can't help the way his lips curl upward a little.
“So! When the classes are over, I’m gonna come to your class and we will leave together so that we can spend more time together! Then we will go to that park down the road! You know, the one beside the river! Then there is another road we need to cross to go there but well you will see when we actually go, it’s really not important for you to know right now actually isn't it?” He giggles, Yeosang tries to keep up with his speed, feeling light headed.
“Then! Oh! But before this all we should eat lunch together today also! An entire day together! This is a date day!” He cheers some more, “What should we eat? Do you have anything in mind? I actually really want to try that new sandwiches they got in the canteen! What do you say? We could get something else-” He gets interrupted by the bell and Yeosang almost sighs in relief -keyword being almost- and touches his shoulder softly.
“Breathe, Wooyoung.” He says, “You should go to your class, we can talk later, okay?”
Wooyoung looks dazed for a moment, “You said a full sentence.”
Yeosang blinks at him, “Uh? Yes?”
Wooyoung giggles, nodding his head, “See you at lunch then, Yeosangie!” He says loudly as he leaves with a skip in his walk and a wave.
Yeosang waves back and sits down on his seat. He sighs looking outside with a blank look but it is hopeful than ever. He feels an excitement inside his chest, his heart fluttering with anticipation and something new to come. He closes his eyes, tries to calm himself down, not wanting to feel restless the entire day.
Did he make the right decision?
⋅˚₊‧ ⌛ ‧₊˚ ⋅
Classes passed very boring and suffocating for Yeosang that day. He couldn't listen to anything with the excitement in his skin and bones as he kept glancing at the clock on the wall, counting seconds.
Was it always this long? He thought, like everything was in slow motion. The lunch break didn't even come yet!
He sighed as he copied the things on the board that their teacher had written. He didn't even realize they were in the English class.
“...so, what does this place tell us?” The teacher’s voice filtered in, “What should we understand with the way these 3 goddesses offered different things to Paris?”
Yeosang suddenly focused on the lesson, he didn't realize they were talking about myths. He looked up to the teacher, waiting for her to keep explaining.
“Hera promised him she would make him king of all men. Athena promised him victory in war and Aphrodite promised him Helene in marriage. They actually gave him three choices; Royalty, Glory and Beauty. He chooses Beauty as he makes Aphrodite the fairest of all and it actually starts the Trojan War.” She explained, as she glanced from her notebook with a smile.
Yeosang remembers this story, he loved reading it as it was a very important story for Greek Mythology. These stories were the only thing that made him escape from the reality of his life.
“Well, what do you think?” She asks as she steps out from her desk, “What is the important decision for you in this situation?” She looks at the class with a curious face as the bell rings for the lunch break.
“Well then, I would like to hear your answers in the next class. Have a good lunch!” She said with a smile as she excused them.
He looked up at the clock with a start, it was actually bearable when he paid attention to something he loves.
But really, what would he chose in this situation? Royalty, Glory or Beauty?
It was actually in the way that you looked at these terms. What beauty meant for you? Was it something you desired? Something you wanted to accomplish? Was it like a dream you have? If Beauty is the dream then Glory could be accomplishing that dream. So, Royalty could be the life after the accomplishment.
They actually exist together, then. If one of them is gone the other two can't exist. They are one, can't separate like the stages of life. He is still in the Beauty and doesn't know if he even could move on from this one. He always dreamed since he was a little boy who didn't know anything about life aside from needing to study about anything and everything. He wishes to see the world, to be a kid, a child as he should have been.
Could he get his Glory?
“Sangie!” Wooyoung exclaims, “C’mon, what are you waiting for? We need to eat!”
Yeosang startles out of his thoughts, looking at the brunette with slightly wide-eyes. Looked at the way his eyes crinkled as he smiled. The way he looked so relaxed and full of life, like nothing could stop him and felt himself getting filled up with something… He didn't know what but it was something he felt for the first time. The important thing was, it felt right. It felt freeing.
And he swore at that moment. He swore that he will treasure this feeling until the end of time. Whenever he allowed him to feel this, however long it lasted.
“Yeosangie?” Wooyoung called again, “C’mon! I’m starving, man!”
Yeosang smiled, “Okay.” He said as he stood up from his desk.
He made a promise.
⋅˚₊‧ ⌛ ‧₊˚ ⋅
After the lunch Yeosang felt like the time was moving faster than before and it scared him. Was he really going to do this? Break the rules? The rules of his parents that he has been following blindly for years? Could he really do that?
He tapped his pen on his book as he counted the minutes left for the last bell to ring.
Was it allowed?
Would it bring trouble to him in the long run?
Would his parents realize what he had done?
The teacher continued to explain the equation that Yeosang probably solved months ago while he was studying for the midterms. His father always wanted him to be ahead in his lessons. He found it rather stupid since he would likely learn it when the time comes, since he doesn't need to know anything if it isn't in the exams anyway.
(It was a lie, he always yearned for knowledge, to know more about anything and everything. He read books that he didn't even need for his lessons just out of curiosity of his. That is how he started to love mythology.)
He stared at the letters in his notebook but couldn't read them as his thought ran a mile a minute. Was his decision a mistake? Should he tell Wooyoung that he can't do it after all? That he is a coward.
No, he wasn’t a coward. He just chose his family instead of anything else, it was a good thing to do. Chosing his family instead of a stupid pastime. Instead of something he doesn't even know.
Chosing his family instead of-
Instead of-
Instead of his own life.
His eyes got caught on a sketch on the corner of his notebook suddenly. A drawing that he did. Of a mechanism, like a blueprint. He loved to learn about machines, to open them and dissolve them one by one and learn about them more. Then put them together again, like puzzle pieces. Something he loves to do.
How did he forget that?
Should he remember?
His hands shook as he inhaled shakily, he didn't know what to do. But he knew he needed to decide and this decision was going to be some life altering one for him. He knew. He could feel it. Closing his eyes, he inhaled as he counted from ten slowly.
10
Which one you decide is gonna make you regret more?
9
Trying something new?
8
Just a hangout with his… Friend?
7
He never had one.
6
He never had a friend before.
5
Never had to decide for something.
4
It was a first.
3
Everything had been always ready for him, decided by his parents.
2
Everytime.
1
He knew what he needed to do.
Exhale.
He opened his eyes. He at least needed to give this one thing to himself.
Just once, he said. Just this once.
The bell rang, startling him. Students rushed to pack their things to leave as soon as possible.
“Don't forget to bring your assignments tomorrow!” their teacher said loudly followed by the agreeing voices of the teenagers.
Yeosang shook his head and stood up as he packed his things in his backpack, his hands shaking with nerves. People talking and rushing around with the joy of the school day to be over didn't help him to calm his nervous heart down. He put a hand on his chest as he breathed slowly.
Calm down, he scolded himself, this is not that big of a deal, Yeosang.
“Hey!” The loud voice made him lift his head so fast that he was surprised he didn't injure himself.
“Oops, sorry.” Wooyoung apologized with a hand rubbing his neck, “Didn't mean to scare you, Birdie.”
Yeosang froze, “Birdie?”
The raven-haired boy grinned, “What? Didn't like it? You get scared easily like a little bird!” He explained.
Yeosang frowned, “I’m a doberman.” He said with all the seriousness of the world.
Wooyoung blinked at him owlishly until he burst out laughing. He doubled over, holding his belly as he wheezed.
The blond boy looked at him, unapprovingly watching him like a parent scolding their child.
“What is so funny?” He said annoyedly, crossing his arms on his chest.
“You-” he wheezed, “You take these kinds of things seriously-!” He barked a laugh, “It’s so unexpexted!” He let out, still shaking with laughter.
Yeosang caressed his hair back, “You are the one that called me a bird.”
Wooyoung straightened as he rubbed his eyes, “I called you ‘Birdie’.” He corrected with a smile on his face.
“It is the same.” Yeosang said with a huff.
“It’s not.” Wooyoung said with a hand on his hip.
“It is.”
“It’s not.” he pursed his lips.
“It is.” He said, forehead creased with irritation.
“It’s not.”
“It is.”
“It’s not!”
“It is-”
“Children!” The teacher bellowed, “What are you doing here still? Everyone left already.” He scolded.
They looked around, realizing they stood in the middle of a classroom arguing about a stupid thing.
“Sorry, sir.” Yeosang said with a slight bow.
“We are gonna leave now!” Brunette said cheerily.
The teacher huffed an amused breath and left with a warning look.
A slight silence filled them as Yeosang took his backpack and his jacket.
“So,” Wooyoung said as they started to leave the classroom, “Are you excited to see where we are going?”
The golden haired boy looked at his companion with an unimpressed look. His heart fluttered.
He shrugged, “Not really.” He lied, looking ahead.
Wooyoung smiled with mischief, “Well then, let's go!”
⋅˚₊‧ ⌛ ‧₊˚ ⋅
As Wooyoung led them towards the place they were going to go, they stopped by several places to get some snacks as they walked. Yeosang paid for them all as his parents didn't really care what he did with his allowance and gave him plenty that he almost never used half of it.
Not that they cared about him, it would be bad for their family reputation that if their son was walking around broke as hell.
The brunette insisted on paying for his own and thanked him continuously when Yeosang didn't pay any mind to his whining.
“I will pay you back!” He exclaimed, “Next time is on me!”
Next time.
It made him feel exposed, nervous and hopeful at the same time that he nodded along to his yapping.
“I really think you will love it, Yeosangie.” He said with an easy air, “I just know it.”
“Why are you hiding it at all then?” The blond boy asked him as they crossed another road which was emptier than the other ones.
Wooyoung smirked, “Because I know that you are gonna love it as much as I know that you wouldn't have come here if you knew what it was.”
Yeosang sighed, “This sounds… Suspicious.” he said as a wind caressed his hair.
The raven-haired boy smiled, “Just trust me, little Birdie!”
“I told you to not call me that!” He said, irritated at him.
“And I didn't say that I agreed!” He shot back, as he jogged a couple steps ahead.
“You are impossible!” Yeosang said as he sped up a little to catch him.
“People do say that!” Wooyoung shouted with a smile, jogging ahead still.
They ran, like children playing tag, Wooyoung ran ahead with a big smile on his face as he got chased by Yeosang who was not smiling as he was frowning with an annoyed face but he looked relaxed.
They continued their back and forth for a while until Wooyoung stopped with hands on knees, wheezing with exhaustion as he tried to catch his breath.
“We-” he coughed, “We are here.” He said, straightening up, his chest still moved up and down quickly.
Yeosang stopped a little ahead as he, too, tried to breathe normally, doubling over for a moment.
“You are fast.” He let out at last.
“You have stamina.” The brunette said back.
Yeosang lifted his head to look around. It was… an empty parking lot to say the least. It’s entrance anyway. There were trees and some grass growing around since it wasn't taken care of. There was literally nothing aside from the empty road and them.
It was a strange feeling to be this alone somewhere.
It gave Yeosang chills.
Sensing his uneasiness, Wooyoung smiled, “It is nothing dangerous, I promise.”
Yeosang looked at him warily but didn't say anything as he searched his eyes and didn't find any malice or bad intention.
He nodded with an uneasy but a relieved sigh as Wooyoung gestured for him to follow.
They passed through the door and walked into the parking lot. It was dark with a very slight lightning and Yeosang almost feared that he was gonna fall on his face. It wasn't long until they heard a noise coming from ahead and some figures moving around.
“Come on!” Wooyoung said excitedly as he jogged ahead for the second time that day but more slowly.
“Hey!” Yeosang uttered, starting to follow him with fast steps, the annoyed frown coming back to his face.
“Wooyoung why are you running-” his words got caught in his throat as he stared at the scene in front of him.
Fun.
There was nothing else he could say.
It was pure, unadulterated fun.
People of any age were standing in a circle as some others stepped into the center and danced to the beat. They cheered them on and jumped along with them, smiling all the way through.
Girls and guys didn't care for anything in the world like just this moment and place existed after all. They cheered as they saw Wooyoung approach them and hugged him, patting his back affectionately.
“Youngie! It is been forever!” A girl said with a smile.
“Where have you been, dude?” Another guy said as he patted his head.
“Around.” The brunette responded, swatting his hand away, “Was busy with things.” He said, looking back at Yeosang’s frozen figure.
“Come on, now,” He urged him, “Sangie.” he said with a smile.
Yeosang felt like he was in a trance but his feet moved forward, coming to stand beside him.
“This is,” Wooyoung started, putting a hand on his shoulder as he gestured to him with the other, “Yeosangie.” he introduced simply.
“Yeosangie!” A cheer erupted around them, “Welcome!”
He nodded his head, still a little taken aback, “Thanks.” He uttered.
“Have you ever danced before?” Wooyoung asked with a small smile, others were already talking about something else between each other.
Yeosang stared at the raven-haired boy for a moment, not sure what he should say to that question.
He danced before but only alone in his room. Letting his body to some beat in his head and sometimes to some classical music his parents let him listen out loud in the house– not that they were home much in the first place but Yeosang was hesitant to act like the house was his alone–
He never thought much about it. About dancing and moving in general. He just wanted out from the suffocating feeling inside his chest for a long, long time.
“No.” He answered instead, “I don't think I have.”
The shorter male didn't look like he believed him but he didn't call him out for it. He took a step back and started to stretch.
“Well then,” he sighed, “Let me show you how its done.”
Some people were dancing in the center of the circle while a steady beat rang through the place from the speakers. Wooyoung stepped forward and into the dance floor. He looked at Yeosang for a moment and winked at him cheekily as he started to move.
He stepped to the right as he lifted his hand up and brought his body down with a body roll. He let out a sigh softly and opened his arms as he turned once, twice and dropped down to an handstand. He kept moving, jumping, landing, throwing his arms and legs around, just letting his body go to the rhythm.
Yeosang watched, feeling like a new world just created before his eyes. Every move the brunette did was calculated and had so many practice under it,Yeosang was sure. He looked so free and relieved that it was almost like the outside world didn't exist for him at the moment. But maybe, it already didn't? The moment they stepped inside this walls, everything stopped to matter for them. There was no problem, no suffering, no stress and no rush. They could exist as they pleased without worrying about anything and everything.
Wooyoung danced, pulling new moves and making the crowd go wilder and wilder, making them cheer for him. When he did a finisher move as the song ended, everyone broke out to wild screams and applause. He breathed hard with a smile as he bowed good-naturedly and looked at Yeosang as he walked toward him, waiting expectantly.
“How did I do? Did you like it?” He said, accepting the bottle of water someone offered to him with a small thanks.
The blonde blinked for a moment, absolutely thrilled by the performance the other boy just did. He thought about how freeing it felt to see him dance, how it felt that he could hope again just by watching him. He thought about how he too wanted to, wished to, create and dance, just to move other than just existing and doing things for his family, not for himself.
Never for himself.
He thought about how it would feel to be selfish just once in his life.
But he didn't say any of that.
He sighed and nodded at him, “It was… really good.” He said, impressed, “I didn't know just watching someone could feel so freeing.”
Wooyoung’s eyes sparkled, looking at him like he actually couldn't believe what he was hearing, “You complimented me!” He exclaimed, “You said something nice!” he jumped up and down, holding onto Yeosang’s shoulders.
“Stop.” The taller boy said, his eyebrow twitching, “Don't get excited that much.”
“I don't want to!” The brunette whined, “I want to get excited!”
Yeosang sighed but didn't make him stop anymore, letting him jump and fuss over.
“Sangiiieee!” Wooyoung whined, “Come on, you dance too!” he said, holding his wrist and pulling him softly.
Yeosang looked at him, alarmed, “I can't!” He said, holding his ground, “I don't know how.”
“You don't need to.” the brunette boy said softly, “You just need to feel.”
Yeosang looked at him surprised for a moment, not understanding what he was saying.
He just needs to feel? Yeosang thought. That… he could do. Could he? Does he feel? Was he feeling anything? In his life? He just listened to what he should do with his life and followed them, never deciding for himself. What did he feel about it all? What did he feel when his parents told him that he needed to be the next heir for their family business. Or when they told him he needed to learn violin or any other lesson they saw fit because it was what an heir should do.
What did he feel?
He…
He didn't want it at all.
He wanted to do something else.
Maybe play soccer with his classmates or have fun after school, going to eat some fast-food and not worry about his studies for a moment.
He wanted to joke and play around with his friends.
He wanted to fail some exams and not be on top always.
He always felt but he never let himself to.
He wanted to let himself feel and not survive.
He looked up to Wooyoung’s shining and full of life eyes and found himself believing too.
“Alright.” He said, his eyes full of determination too.
Wooyoung showed a toothy smile and kept pulling him to the center.
The blonde boy found himself in the center of attention and looked around to the people cheering and watching him, waiting.
Wooyoung let his arm go and stood before him. They looked at each other for a moment just taking each other in.
He took a breath in as he closed his eyes.
And he let go.
He moved to the music, just stepping side to side at first. Lifting his arms, he caressed his hair, neck and down to his body as he swayed his body. Bouncing his steps as he lifted his knees up and down while rolling his neck and throwing his arms up.
He kept going for a while, not caring who is around him as he tried to copy the things he saw people do before and just tried to feel the music.
When he opened his eyes and lifted his head after a while, breathing hard, he saw his friend looking at him too.
Oh.
Friend.
His friend.
His first ever friend.
He felt his eyes tear up as Wooyoung smiled at him softly and encouraged him to do more, to not be afraid.
Yeosang felt like he could do anything.
He could have even flied right then and there if he wanted to, he was sure.
Anything he wanted as long as his friend looked at him like that.
And for the first time after a long, long time, Yeosang felt himself smile.
He felt himself out of that cage that he was stuck all his life and be free, even just for a moment.
And he begged to have this feeling as long as he can.
As much as he dared to move and smile. To have a friend of his own and treasure them.
To just exists.
He prayed for it with every fiber of his being.
He jumped as an rush wrapped around him. Completing it with an turn and a squat as he threw his arms up and looked up at them. He kneeled and made a knee turn and landed on one of his hands. He looked up sharply towards the people that were watching him and grinned unrealistically.
He stood up suddenly and copied some of the moves Wooyoung did earlier but he flexed his body more and added more fluidity into them.
Throwing a leg and the other, he did a jump and landed softly but powerful. He kneeled on one leg then stood up, like he couldn't decide what to do. When he realized the music was almost over, he did a couple of steps then a turn as he threw his arms to the sides and looked up. Perfectly on the beat.
He breathed harshly, standing on the pose for a couple of seconds before letting it go.
That was what living is.
For him, anyway.
Cheers erupted around him as a warm and a giggly body colluded with him.
“You did it!” Wooyoung cheered with a wide smile, “You liar! I knew that you were lying about dancing!”
The golden haired boy huffed as he let his arms rest by his sides, too shy to hug back.
“I never danced for real.” He mumbled to him so softly that the people around them couldn't hear it even without the cheers that roared.
The brunette took a step back, his arms still around him, “Silly.” He said, studying his face closely, “Whenever you danced was ‘for real’. Because you did it all for the sake of it.”
⋅˚₊‧ ⌛ ‧₊˚ ⋅
The wind howled around them as it caressed his hair and made him shiver at its wake.
They walked on the highway since no cars passed from this side of the road. The greenery and the trees around them shook with the wind, making Yeosang feel lonely not knowing why.
He was still breathing hard from the constant moving around as they didn't stop for hours. He took a rest here and there since he wasn't used to it all but couldn't make himself stop for long as his body longed for the relief it experienced from it.
The people in there were so sweet as they all cheered for him and didn't make him feel bad for his uncoordinated moves that he know he did. He just tried to move around and match his steps to the other boy as he watched him dance around like it was second nature. He moved around like it was as easy as breathing and Yeosang watched him with admiration in his eyes.
He got startled as an arm wrapped around his shoulder and he looked to the side for the culprit.
“Did you have fun?” The brunette asked as he sighed softly with a smile.
Closing his eyes, Yeosang nodded, “Yes. Yes, I did.” He told him.
That made his friend burst out laughing as he leaned into him, “I’m glad.” He said as he hiccuped with a laugh.
The taller boy hummed. His shirt stuck to his skin and he felt like he was gonna have a cold until he got home with how windy it was but he didn't have a single regret in his mind.
“Thank you.” He said softly, a whisper in the wind and his friend wouldn't have heard him if he wasn't so close, “Thank you, I needed that.” he said, smiling at him, his eyes shining with appreciation.
Wooyoung’s eyes got bigger and stared at him with wide-eyes as his words sunk in. He stopped walking and his arm fell to his side as Yeosang kept walking a couple of steps before realizing he had stopped.
He tilted his head to the side and looked back to him confusedly, “What’s wrong?” He asked.
The brunette covered his face with his hands and tilted his head down, “Waaah…” he whined as he crouched down, “So unfair…”
“Uh…?” Yeosang said unhelpfully, not understanding what is happening.
A silence wrapped around them but Yeosang didn't feel awkward and he found it freeing in a way. He stepped closer to him and crouched before him, waiting for him to talk.
“Gosh,” Wooyoung said as he peeked between his fingers, “You are gonna be the end of me someday.”
The blonde boy blinked, “I’m sorry?” He offered instead.
The boy before him chuckled, fully lifting his head, “You are such a weirdo, you know that right?” He said, looking at him.
Yeosang frowned, “I don't…?” He said, still confused with it all.
Wooyoung huffed, “Well, you will know soon enough.”
Another silence passed between them as they took a breather in the moment. Not a single soul was around them, only they existed.
Just two friends.
Wooyoung grunted after a while, standing up and dusting off his clothes from the nonexisting dirt.
“C’mon, let’s go.” He said, holding his hand for him to take.
Yeosang took the hand offered for him and stood up as well, “You okay?” He asked not sure what else to do.
The shorter boy smiled, “I am.” He said, “I’m okay. I’m just glad.”
The blonde boy tilted his head to the side again, like the puppy he is, but didn't question him again about it, trusting his words.
They kept walking with a silence around them with just a small talk here and there.
As they arrived at their separation point a weird kind of serenity wrapped around them. They looked around, not sure what to say after all the things they did that day.
“I would like to do this again.” Wooyoung said suddenly, his hand on his neck, looking unsure of himself.
Yeosang looked at him silently, not expecting him to say it so outright like this. He didn't know what to say to his honesty as he just stared and stared at him. No one ever wanted to hang out with him, again, that is. When he spent time with some classmates before and when they saw how boring he was, they didn't bother to talk to him again.
It was a first for him.
He must have stayed silent for a while that Woyooung took that as a rejection or him being uncomfortable that he started to wave his hands.
“If you want to, that is! Of course!” he said hastily, “I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable, damn, I should have just shut my mouth! What was I thinking? Saying it all like trying to force you to hang out with me! I don't, really, you can just walk away right now if you want and forget it all! I wouldn't mind for sure-”
“Wooyoung.” Yeosang called softly, “Breathe.”
The raven-haired boy took a breath and tried to calm down from his rant.
“Sorry.” He said after a moment, “I got carried away.”
Yeosang nodded, “It’s fine.”
A silence again.
Why did it keep being awkward like this?
The fair-haired boy sighed, “I don't mind.” He said eventually, he was an anxious person but the other boy didn't need to be one because of him too.
“Weh?” Wooyoung let out, not making any sense to himself even, “Weh? What?”
A breathe.
Then.
Yeosang snorted.
Followed by a full bodied laugh. His chest heaved as he held his stomach, crumbling to himself with joy. He laughed until his lungs begged for air but he couldn't stop himself.
He didn't even know why he was laughing so hard at this. Just- his face and the noise he let out at the same time, made it so impossibly comedic.
Gosh, Yeosang thought, I didn't laugh this hard for a long time.
“Sangie?” Wooyoung let out hesitantly, “Are you okay?”
Yeosang gasped, standing upright with little hiccups of laughter, “Yes.” He let out, still giggling softly, “I’m okay.”
His friend just watched him, concerned.
He took a breath and steadied himself, “Sorry. Just… Your face.” He said, gesturing to him.
The brunette tilted his head, “My face?”
Yeosang hummed, “It was funny… with the ‘weh?’” he said, trying not to laugh again but failing as his lips lifted upright.
“Yah!” Wooyoung protested, “It’s funny?! My face?! How dare you!” He accused him but his smile gave him away that he wasn't serious.
Trying to hold his laughter, the blonde closed his eyes, “I said I didn't mind it.” He got back to the point, “I want to do this again too.” He clarified.
Wooyoung stopped, “That’s… That’s good!” He exclaimed, “Don't you dare regret it later!”
“I won't.” He said, holding out his pinky, “I promise.”
Wooyoung gave a toothy grin as he wrapped his pinky to Yeosang’s and made their thumbs touch.
“Yikes!” Wooyoung said as they let go of their hands, “It got so late!” He said looking around.
Yeosang looked down at his watch and confirmed that, yes, it was really late.
“We should get home.” Wooyoung said, “You can go home alone, right?” He asked.
The blonde nodded, “Yes, I can.” He answered, it wasn't the first time he got home late. His classes always lasted until night
“Good.” Wooyoung nodded, “Then, see you tomorrow, Yeosangie!” He said, already running on the way home with a wave.
“See you.” Yeosang said as he waved back.
After he watched Wooyoung round the corner, he let out a sigh.
Alright, it was time to face the real challenge that was waiting for him at home.
He dreaded the reaction his parents will give him but felt determined to face it all. Because he got something precious today and that was the hope that was installed in his bones. He experienced it once and he couldn't let it go now.
He took the first step towards home and knew that everything was going to change today with the decision he would make.
⋅˚₊‧ ⌛ ‧₊˚ ⋅
Yeosang gulped loudly as he passed by the garden and stood before the door.
Even though he already made his choice and was ready to face whatever they will throw at him, he still shook with the anxiety he felt.
He held his hand up to ring the doorbell but he stopped suddenly.
What was he doing? Putting all his trust to someone who he met like a month ago. Was it wise to do so? To expect them to not leave him after he sacrifices something for him.
Was it worth it?
Yeosang thought about the day they spent together. How stressing and scary it was at first, wanting to maybe go back and never look back. To go back to his studies and make his life as his parents expected of him. Yeosang thought about ditching his promise to Wooyoung for a moment too.
But he didn't.
He chose to stay.
He chose to explore and trust his friend to the things he wanted to show him to be safe. With trust came the life-altering relief he felt in his heart, not knowing he even needed a relief like that in the first place.
He didn't regret it at all.
Yeosang knew, in his heart of hearts, that he wouldn't regret this in the future either and even if Wooyoung would leave him sometime later, he wouldn't regret it then too.
Hope was a strange thing, he supposed. Even though you knew it could ruin you and maybe you should stay in your comfort zone, you can't unsee it all. The exciting feeling of reaching the thing you want most.
So, he pushed onto the doorbell and let his arm fall down to his side as he stopped breathing all together.
A key turning sound filled the silence and the door opened with an audible ‘click’.
The darkness revealed a silhouette, looking towards him as the light inside of the house revealed the person before him.
His mother stood before him, a frown etched between her eyebrows. Her forehead wrinkled with the effort she showed towards the world how very unpleased she was.
“Yeosang.” She uttered with a crippled voice, cold and unforgiving, "Finally, you graced us with your presence.” She spat with venom as it created another wound on his skin beside the other scars that had long closed and turned white but not forgotten.
“Your father is waiting in the living room.” she says her face devoid of any emotion, “You better have an good explanation for being late.”
Nodding his head he stepped inside as his mother left to, probably, go back to his father’s side. He closed the door after him, removing his shoes and wore the slippers beside the cupboard. He passed threshold towards the room and stood a couple of metres before his parents as they sit on the couch, their eyes piercing.
“Where were you?” His father asked matter of factly, no ‘welcome back’s, no nothing.
“With a friend of mine.” He said, not bothering lie, he knew it wouldn't work anyway.
His mother gasped, “A friend?” She said with a hand on her mouth, like he committed a crime.
“You have so many responsibility to do and so many things to accomplish and you go out there having friends?” His father said, lookind incredilous, “Are you out of your mind?”
The boy- because that was what he was, a boy, he was just a kid- looked at them head on, his head held up high and chin raised, “Yes.” He said simply, “I’m out of my mind.”
His father looked livid.
Yeosang couldn't understand what happened in the next moments of his life. In one moment he was standing straight, looking at his parents as they looked at him like was some pest that lived under their roof and used their money. In the next he lay on the ground, holding his aching cheek as he stared to the floor.
He hit him.
His father slapped him. Hard.
He slapped him so hard that his vision swam so much for a moment that he thought if he had a concussion.
Tearing his gaze from the floor to the figure that stood before him. Looking down at him with utmost hate and disgust that he wondered if he even felt a sliver of love towards him. If he felt love at all in his life.
“How dare you!” He roared, “Talking back to me! You disrespectful brat!”
Huuh, he let out a breathe, yes, he really didn't love me even for a moment in his entire life.
But that is fine.
He didn't love him in his entire life either.
He stood up, letting his arms fall down to his sides, looking at him with a indifferent face.
I won't give you the satisfaction of actually making me feel something by this, he thought, I won't let you.
“I will study, still.” He said, “Because I want to, for myself. But I won't be your heir. Not now, not ever. Find someone else.”
A deafening silence.
“Huh,” his father let out, “I knew you couldn't be the person I expected you to be. A failure is always a failure.” He said, passing him with not further words and leaving the room.
Only his mother was there, still on the couch, looking at him like she didn't even know him anymore.
Though, she never did know him. She never tried to and he hated her for that.
“I can't believe the person you have become.” She said, “You changed so much, Yeosang.”
A feeling bloomed inside of him, wrapping around him and trying to wipe the tears his heart cried, to wrap the old wounds that sometimes opened and bled.
Sadness.
A very blue and very real sadness.
A sadness for the times that he wasn't seen.
A sadness for not having a mother that supported him and always comforted him.
A sadness for, even right now, they didn't see him and tried to understand the things he had said.
Just sadness but a feeling nonetheless.
Looking at her eyes- the same eyes that he saw everyday in the mirror- he took a shaky breath, “No, mum,” he said, letting his weakness take the hold of him, “I was always like that, you just never tried to see it.”
He turned around, some of his hair falling down to his cheek from the bun he put it earlier, leaving his mother there and going to his room.
Once inside his room, tears were already dripping from his eyes, traveling through his cheeks and dropping to his shirt, staining the soft fabric with his misery. He slid down to the floor, his back on the door as he wrapped his arms around himself with the sobs wracking his tired body.
He felt like a river just opened inside his body and it flooded, endlessly. Like it couldn't find a solid ground to settle down and instead devoured everything before its way.
It felt like every nerve in his body was just burning, like the world was ending but he was still feeling anything and everything that was happening even though they didn't matter no more.
His cheek burned unforgivingly, he knew a bruise would form tomorrow if he didn't ice it soon but not a single cell in his body cared about it.
Because his heart burned more than that.
It burned like it tried to melt itself out of this misery. Like if it burned enough he could forget anything that happened and start anew.
It froze like it wanted to freeze the memories away so that he wouldn't have to touch them again.
His body felt hot and cold, shivering like his insides tried to shake out of his body and be free from everything.
Hiccups echoed around the walls that he called home but never felt like one. His fingers shook as they found his hair and pulled, trying to feel something else, other than this pain.
Other than this feeling of getting ripped from inside out as he bled out front of the people that didn't even care about him and made him bleed more. Clenching his teeth hard, Yeosang pulled and pulled until he plucked off some strands of hair, looking at his hand with shock, realizing he too could hurt himself after all.
Rocking back and forth, like a child trying to forget a nightmare they just had but it was just a daily reality to Yeosang. Always praying for it to end, but opening his eyes to find another day yet again.
He thought that he would feel a relief wash over him after his confrontation with his parents.
The only thing he felt was grief.
Grief for the life he couldn't have.
Grief for the life he wanted to have.
He grieved for the boy that never felt love from his parents, the people that were supposed to love him no matter what happened.
He grieved for himself right now that didn't have anything worthy in his life.
All alone and by himself.
His insides burned with the memories as he thought about the smile Wooyoung gave him.
He felt a little light-headed as his vision darkened around his eyes and only one thought crossed his mind.
I want to see him again.
His tired eyes started to droop as his breathing evened out and tears ceased to come.
He closed his eyes and dropped sideways into the floor.
He hoped for a bright life ahead as darkness enveloped him.
Then he felt nothing.
And that was a relief in itself.