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It was hard to say what woke Obi-Wan up but as he shifted, he was reminded that falling asleep with blood and cum on one’s self was not the brightest idea. As easily as he could, Obi-Wan moved himself off of Bail and eased out of the bed where he stretched, the dried fluids cracking and pulling at his skin.
With a sigh, Obi-Wan got up to go to the refresher when he froze at a sight near one of the ceiling high windows. He recalled Ahsoka’s story, the one about the ghost that had tried to stop her from taking that Sith holocron. All those years ago, Obi-Wan hadn’t fully believed it but now, with the figure standing by the window, there was no doubting it.
Carefully, Obi-Wan padded across the floor, not wanting to wake Bail as he came up close to the blue image. It was not like any holorecording he had ever seen. The figure was graced with softer blues and the image was clear and not crackling or made of lines. Obi-Wan could see the fine details of every hair, the folds of the clothes. He went to touch it but before he could, the figure turned and Obi-Wan jumped back, now seeing a face he hadn’t seen in ages.
“Qui-Gon,” Obi-Wan breathed and he couldn’t help the feelings of amazement, shock, wonder, sorrow, and anger that flowed through him all at once.
“Obi-Wan,” murmured Qui-Gon. It was difficult to say if there was any emotion on the man’s face but the closest thing Obi-Wan could think of was bone-crushing sorrow.
And oh, it was his voice, just as Obi-Wan had remembered it. So deep and powerful yet soft spoken and so very very gentle. Again, Obi-Wan had the urge to touch him but his fingers parted Qui-Gon like water and Obi-Wan had to accept that he still never would hold Qui-Gon again.
“I’m sorry,” Obi-Wan whispered as he retracted his hand. He crossed his arms, fingernails digging into his skin to make any other urges for contact stop. Seeing Qui-Gon again, Obi-Wan wanted to scream and shout but he kept it all in, not wanting to wake Bail.
Qui-Gon looked over him and for the first time in ages, Obi-Wan felt like that little padawan. “If there is one thing that is truthful, it is that,” agreed Qui-Gon.
“I couldn’t do anything. I didn’t have a choice,” Obi-Wan whispered.
“There is always a choice.”
Obi-Wan couldn’t help but snort. “Yes, either I could have killed you or I could have betrayed Sidious and he would have killed us both. What a wonderful solution that would have been.”
Qui-Gon shook his head though and replied, “But the lives that might have been saved with the sacrifice of ours—”
“I don’t regret my body count. Those eyes don’t haunt me in my sleep,” Obi-Wan replied. “I don’t regret helping to create the Empire, of returning the Sith and slaughtering the Jedi. Don’t give me that look Qui-Gon! If you’ve been watching like Ahsoka said, then you know that it is true. The only thing that I’ve ever regretted is being forced to kill you. But even I’ve accepted it was a necessity.”
“That’s what you believe.”
“What I know is true,” said Obi-Wan. “And that was your problem, wasn’t it? You never really decided anything. With that bullshit philosophy of living in the moment and crap. And don’t give me that stupid line that Yoda always threw around. ‘Only a Sith deals in absolutes’-what bull! Everyone deals in absolutes at one point or another but you never decided anything. You just let the Force guide you.”
Obi-Wan paused but when Qui-Gon didn’t say more, he quickly continued. He hadn’t realized it but now that the words were tumbling out, he’d been holding onto them for far to long, hence why they were exploding forth now.
“And where did the Force ever help you anyways? How did it guide you? All it did was move you from one failed apprentice to another. It killed the woman you loved, forced you to kill Xantos, and all it did was make you put your faith in a boy that was already broken. It lead to a failed line and your death. How the hell did the Force guide you?”
The fact that Qui-Gon still did not answer did not give Obi-Wan pleasure. It had been so long since he’d been met with a situation that did not bring him enjoyment in one form or another. Yet this was one of them and all Obi-Wan wanted to do was pull Qui-Gon close and breath in his scent-but that was an impossibility and would never happen again.
Qui-Gon did finally speak, though not in answer to Obi-Wan’s last question. He asked, “When were you broken?”
Obi-Wan supposed that it wasn’t a surprising question and after everything, Qui-Gon at least deserved an honest answer. “At age five.”
“A youngling then.”
“And long before you got to me,” Obi-Wan replied. “It was not your failure as a teacher that turned me. I was already blackened by the world before then.”
“Yet your words do not ease my mind.”
“I’m not surprised. You still feel guilt for not being able to see, don’t you?”
Qui-Gon’s lack of an answer told Obi-Wan all he needed to hear.
“I killed Sidious for you.”
Letting out a soft sigh, Qui-Gon replied, “It was not a gift I wanted.”
“I wanted you to understand though. I wanted you to see what the Sith were,” Obi-Wan murmured. “I wanted…I wanted you. I never thought I could love anyone more than I loved you.”
“A fault that I should have seen.”
“Emotions are not-no. There is no point arguing with you now,” murmured Obi-Wan. “What’s done is done. Even if I could make you see my side of things, it wouldn’t make any difference. You’re dead and I will never have that perfect life I imagined with you when I was a padawan. Besides, I’m happy now.”
“Is that what you call this existence? Happiness?”
Qui-Gon would never understand. There was really no point to their conversation. Yet Obi-Wan couldn’t stop and brushed his hair out of his face before asking, “What would you call it?”
“Obsession. Lust. Greed. Evil.”
“I love him,” Obi-Wan admitted softly. He suddenly couldn’t help the slightly manic giggle that escaped his mouth. “I’ve never said those words out loud before now. He told them to me once but I never really thought... How remarkable. I love him.”
“That is not love.”
“Who is to say what love is except for the person who feels it?” shot back Obi-Wan. “You are a form made visible by the Force, nothing more. And the one person you loved died decades ago.”
“I loved you Obi-Wan.”
“You loved the image that you thought you knew. That Obi-Wan died with the Sith trials that Sidious put me through as a boy. I haven’t been that Obi-Wan in years. Not really.”
“I know. I suppose that’s why it hurts all the more.”
Rubbing at his eyes, Obi-Wan muttered, “Why have you come Qui-Gon? Have you come to fight me as well? I would have thought your fight with Ahsoka would have proved that the Dark Side is stronger.”
“The Dark Side is not stronger. But neither have I come to fight you. Not that I could even if I wanted to.”
Obi-Wan gave a slight frown at that and watched as Qui-Gon’s eyes shifted. Following his line of sight, Obi-Wan saw that Qui-Gon was looking at Bail.
“He’s not Force sensitive,” Obi-Wan said softly.
“No. But he is connected to the Force like all living things. It’s a subconscious reaction, one which any living creature can create when they feel strongly enough about someone else. Of course, distance is a factor but as of now, he’s blocking you from any Force attacks, even if he doesn’t realize it.”
At those words, Obi-Wan touched his skin, like it should suddenly feel different but it of course didn’t. He whispered, “All this time and the man still becomes more and more interesting. If that is not love, then what would you call it?”
“I don’t know what I would call it besides abhorrent.”
Letting out a soft sigh, Obi-Wan asked, “Have you come here to insult me and nothing else?”
“No…I simply needed to see if any of that Obi-Wan I had loved was left.”
“Like I said, he was dead a long time ago.”
“Yes, I suppose he was. I am sorry I could not see that.”
“I’m sorry I had to kill you,” Obi-Wan replied.
Qui-Gon simply nodded in response and as his image shimmered, Obi-Wan realized it was a good bye, for forever. He wanted to scream at Qui-Gon to come back, wanted to reach out and rip him apart, but all he could do was fall to his knees and bow his head. He took his anger and discontent and bottled it for another day, one which he promised would be glorious and full of blood and death, but for the moment he simply felt the sorrow that washed over him, the failure that was his inability to keep his Master safe or to explain to him before their time was up.
It was difficult to say how long he knelt there, he wasn’t sure when he’d woken up. The sky began to lighten though and eventually he heard movement from behind him. The slap of bare feet against marble and then…
“It almost looks like you’re praying.”
Obi-Wan gave a slight snort in response, his shoulders finally relaxing. “I suppose so. To a ghost that will never answer me back.”
“Qui-Gon.”
Looking over his shoulder, Obi-Wan asked, “How did you know?”
“I was awake. For parts of it. I thought I was dreaming for a time until I woke again and found you in the same spot.”
Obi-Wan sighed and stood up. “What do you remember?”
Bail didn’t say anything at first. But he eventually answered with, “You don’t have to say it again.”
“I want to though.” Obi-Wan finally turned around so that he was fully facing Bail again. “Qui-Gon was the one thing that would make my life complete. That’s what I thought. But I was looking at a heartbreak waiting to happen. Even now, I’ve always held onto that imagined scenario where I had turned him to a Sith in time and we had taken down Sidious together. But that was a future destined to never happen and holding onto it now is pointless. I don’t want to compare that what-if to now because it no longer matters. I once regretted killing Qui-Gon but now…if I hadn’t I wouldn’t be here. And here I am happy. I am free. And I love you more than you can know.”
“I think I have a slight inkling,” Bail murmured as he stepped forward. He kissed Obi-Wan and pressed their bodies together, softly tracing Obi-Wan’s scars with his fingertips. “I didn’t say anything before-perhaps it’s odd that I’m bringing it up now and it’s certainly a strange thing to admit-but I haven’t slept with anyone else. Not for quite some time. I only want you. And I may have killed several of your more known conquests.”
Obi-Wan couldn’t help but laugh in response. “So that’s where they went you jealous jealous man. Still, I must admit, neither have I in recent months. Well, except the occasional fuck from Cody but I’m sure you’d forgive that.”
“I know how much you care for that clone,” Bail chuckled in response.
Slowly, Obi-Wan’s fingers began to trace Bail’s scars too and he murmured, “But I love you. I no longer want a future where we occasionally bump into each other for a fuck and mutilation. Even seeing you every month…it’s not enough. I want a future with you, stained red and spectacular.”
“I have waited far to long for you to say that.”
Obi-Wan grinned and kissed Bail again, tongue slipping in and out as he tasted Bail on his lips and felt the curves and edges of the man’s body.
“I love you,” Obi-Wan murmured. “More than anything.”
Bail simply pressed a hand to the small of Obi-Wan’s back, keeping him close as he kissed him harder. For the first time in years, Obi-Wan found what had been missing for so long, the want that he’d never been aware of or had simply pushed back and pretended it didn’t exist. But now he could finally acknowledge it and he felt all the more whole because of it.