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AN: I made dis. I sorry if sucks. Uhm, feliz jueves!
On Melancholy Hill
Prescribed burn.
At times, when the bushes grew too wild in forest areas, or when invasive species affected the ecosystem, a controlled fire was the clear path. Unwanted growths would burn, turning to ash that fertilized the soil, and allowed for new life to sprout from the inferno. Undesired pests were eradicated under the cleansing heat, overgrown grass gave way for local plants to receive nourishment. In the earlier days, burning away the infection from a wound had been the most efficient way to stop it from spreading.
Asuka glanced at the devastation below.
Buildings turned to piles of rubble, trains ripped from the tracks and thrown into the streets, entire parts of the city evaporated. The white monsters of her latest nightmares grinned from their perch by the sea, a permanent reminder of failure and abandonment. The sky was strangely clear; the stars shone brightly, unperturbed without the city's artificial lights. The beach where she had woken stretched to her right, with the crimson waves crashing into the shore.
It smelled of blood and salt. It smelled of smoke, death, and strangely enough, life.
A hand rose to massage her neck. The other survivor of Third Impact busied himself with splitting logs and making a fire for the night. A rabbit had fallen into her makeshift snare that morning. How a rabbit of all things had managed to return was a question she did not feel like pondering on. The snap its neck had produced when Shinji tearfully ended its life reverberated in her brain.
He cried on top of me, too. He stopped, and then he cried. And he apologized, but not like before. It felt… sincere.
There was a strength to him, now. A darkness in his eyes that had not been there before, a scar seared right into his soul, a forceful push into maturing. His back was straighter, his stride more emboldened. He spoke very little of the experience inside what she called 'the Soup'. She, on the other hand, had felt no issue with detailing every last horrid and pleasant detail of her death, time in SEELE's Nirvana, and eventual rebirth. Instead of staring off into the distance or fidgeting, he listened intently. He nodded, shook his head, looked away in shame every time she mentioned the Eva Series.
"I found some seasonings in that store yesterday," rang his voice from behind. No stammering, no second guessing his words. Her small smirk widened. "I've never cooked wild rabbit before, but I read somewhere wild meat needs to be cooked properly. There's enough water and potatoes for a stew. Sound good?"
"Sounds terrible," Asuka replied. Her stomach grumbled, as if to dispel the lie. She heard Shinji chuckle into his hand. "Wild overgrown rat with mud apples, what a feast. Add some of Misato's takeout ramen and you have yourself a proper five star course."
They laughed in unison, a sound she never thought herself able to produce again. A comfortable silence descended upon them as bittersweet memories of their former guardian flashed through their minds. Her brow furrowed in anger after a few minutes of quiet musing. Something akin to envy burned in her chest, spread to her parched throat and clenched her hands into tight fists.
"She… kissed me."
"She did what now?"
"Misato was shot trying to protect me. She got me to the cages, pleaded that I pilot one last time. She kissed me knowing we wouldn't see each other again, and told me we'd 'do the rest' when I came back. I guess… it was her way of saying goodbye."
"Yeah. Yeah. Eloquent as always, that Katsuragi. Good to hear her last deed was a good one, then."
"How come? Unit 01 was covered in Bakelite. I had to sit there and listen to the… I. I'm so sorry. What was the point?"
"The point was saving your life, idiot. Which she succeeded at, or you wouldn't be sitting here."
"I suppose you're right."
"Of course I am! What are you, stupid?"
"You know, I think this is the longest we've talked since, uhm, that day."
"Well, don't get used to it. You're still on probation."
A smile unlike any she had seen from him had manifested that day. True and wide, it had reached his eyes and made them glisten with gratitude. The unspoken second chance she had given him had not been squandered.
The disgust has been wearing off since day one. I must be really messed up in the brain, giving this degener-ugh, giving this idiot another opportunity to strangle me in my sleep. Meh, I'll just do what I did back then and that'll be the end of it. Can't say I didn't earn that anger with the way I treated him, though. Pfft. Imagine that, me, owning up to my mistakes. Pathetic.
They sat atop a hill where some level of infrastructure still functioned. The small cabin still had some level of running water, a gasoline power plant, and a nearby river which ran strangely clear. The location provided a wide view of the beach, so if anyone else returned, she would be able to track them down. So far, nobody else had returned, not that she was aware of.
"Good riddance," she whispered too low for Shinji to hear. "The quiet is nice, I wouldn't mind another week or so of this."
"Another week of what?" Shinji inquired, looking away from the pot where their dinner simmered. "Hopefully not another week of military rations and re-hydrated cranberry juice."
"Beggars can't be choosers, idiot, and stop eavesdropping on my quiet pontifications!"
"Sorry," he said with what was probably his version of a teasing smile. "Pontificate away, Asuka."
I should be sickened by his presence, she thought, yet her smile widened further at the way he uttered her name. There was fondness there now, a slight inflection and a slower cadence, as though her name was his favorite part of a song, or a prayer of gratitude to the heavens. It's comforting instead. I don't feel alone or in danger. I feel like I'm right where I'm supposed to be, apocalyptic world and everything.
She summoned the sensation of being watched, helpless, as a dark figure pleased itself before her, yet the rejection did not last. Having glimpsed into a fraction of his pain during Instrumentality, a fraction of the crushing loneliness and fear consuming him the day he visited her room had qualmed the flames of her wrath. Moreover, she had extracted a confession from Shinji that still shook parts of her core.
Asuka's mind drifted to a week before as the enticing scent of stew drifted into the night.
Blood rained from the heavens. Lightning seared the clouds like veins, violent winds dragged the scattered clothes into the skies, while thunder deafened their desperate steps.
They found refuge on the top floor of an old Second World War bunker. She panted, back stuck to the wall, and tried to qualm her racing heart. Shinji had barely managed to push the gate open before collapsing on his hands and knees, breathing heavily. They were soaked to the bone. Both her plugsuit and his school uniform dripped red rain. Once rational thought returned, Asuka quickly found spare clothing, two towels, and a restroom that did not reek of rot.
No words were spoken. She threw the towel at his head and dropped the clothes by his legs, pointed to the bathroom and closed the door. Once inside, Asuka undressed carefully, terrified to remove the bandages covering her arm. She stood there shivering with cold and dread for what felt like hours, until a gentle knock broke her out of the frightening trance. A punch to the door was her response. The drenched bandages pooled to the ground, revealing a long, angry crimson line that ran all the way to her shoulder.
Her arm was slashed once again. The pain returned with a vengeance, yet lingered only for a few seconds. She prodded around the line, half expecting the limb to sever into two halves with the slightest touch. Nothing. Not even a dull ache. The line was more of a bruise than a scar, already fading in places. She almost ripped the plugsuit from her body, desperate to see the rest. The entry and exit points of the spears were also fading, turning blue and purple before disappearing altogether. Dropping the eye patch was the hardest; she recalld with vivid clarity the stream of blood runnung down her face. Aside from being a bit sensitive to the light and red-rimmed, the eye was perfectly fine. Her knees buckled under the realization; the scars would not linger. She was not marred forever.
The clothes were baggy and uncomfortable, but dry. After changing, Shinji recovered a small gas stove and cooked as many packets of instant noodles as they could find. Famished, they ate in silence and all but dragged themselves to a pair of sleeping bags laying in a corner. Asuka moved her bag to an adjacent room, still not comfortable with the thought of sharing bedding space with a boy who had tried to strangle her.
Sleep came easily for once. They had been trudging through rubble and damaged forest for the better part of fifteen days. She managed between three and four hours each night before the nightmares jolted her awake. That night exhaustion won over trauma. Asuka drifted into a long, dreamless slumber.
Perhaps due to said exhaustion the screams failed to wake her.
Dawn had barely broken. The bunker was almost pitch black when a warm, trembling hand shook her shoulder with urgency. Tired, sleep deprived and now furious, Asuka turned to glare at a pale, wide-eyed Shinji Ikari.
"What!" She bellowed inches away from his face, face twisted into a snarl. "What could possibly be so freaking important that you have to jolt me awake, huh? What's your problem, Third? Can't you see I was resting?"
At some point Asuka had risen to her feet and now towered over Shinji, who chose that moment to snap from whatever vivid nightmare he was trapped in. He blinked slowly, shook his head and stared at her with a level of relief that made her stomach fuzzy. Her outburst had been the most she had spoken to him in more than a week.
"I… sorry," he said. The insult died in Asuka's throat; he was being sincere. "I woke up and didn't see you, I thought you had gone or that I was… still in there. I thought the Eva Series was outside, waiting for me and that you… that-" he cut himself off, taking a few shallow breaths. "I'm just glad you're okay."
"Huh? You, glad? Okay? Who the hell is okay, Third? Have you seen me, have you seen the state of this god-forsaken world?" The anger spread like a wildfire, consuming everything in its wake. "Now you're glad I'm okay, are you? What's it to you if I stay or leave? Where was all this heartbreaking concern of yours when I was being torn apart, huh? Where!"
Confrontation; she craved it. She wanted him to squirm, to fight back, to try and strangle her again. She wanted stammering, vain and pathetic attempts to make her change her mind, hell, even a flipped table and spilled coffee would have been more satisfying than what she received.
Shinji spoke with barely any hesitation. He did not yell or so much as stammer much, and for the following hours he relayed every thought, every feeling and every reason for his actions without excuses, lies or fear. She heard intently as he relived the misery of killing the last Angel, the crushing loneliness of an empty apartment, the desperation that led him to her room, and the guilt which paralyzed his body and made him crave death.
She prodded further, demanding to know why he had felt compelled to defile her, only to ask for her help right after. The answer forced the flames licking around Asuka's mind to burn away the poisonous words she desperately wanted to spew at him.
"I needed you. I still do," Shinji said, never breaking eye contact. Endless shame and guilt clouded his gaze. "But you weren't there. You were lying there, like a doll. I'd like to say my body moved on it's own, but it didn't. I locked the door and… did what I did. I wanted to feel good, if only for a second." He chuckled; a sad, lonely sound. "It didn't work. It only made me feel worse. Like the lowest… of the low."
She nodded, neither supporting nor refuting his statement, and motioned for him to carry on. The details of Misato's death came next. Renegade tears escaped Shinji's eyes. He scrubbed them off his face with anger, as though thinking himself unworthy of shedding them at all. Words stumbled into each other once the beginning of Third Impact was reached, and Shinji ran over to the bathroom and retched upon recalling the sight of her Unit 02.
She stood there, legs starting to cramp whilst the faint sounds of Shinji's heaving cut through the silence. The thought of her death having a greater impact on someone other than herself was foreign and unwelcome. It made her ponder on how much Shinji cared about her, on how her death had been the one thread that when severed, had driven him into maddening despair.
After Shinji returned, Asuka asked if he had sought her out because everyone else scared him, or because of something else. Her voice almost faded into a whisper, and she realized with disgust that she feared the answer.
"I was afraid of everyone else, either that or I hated them," Shinji admitted. Her heart sank. "That's not why I wanted to speak to you, though. I needed you," he repeated. "And maybe I'm wrong. I'm probably wrong, but I feel like we're… not that different."
The anger supposed to force her into a fit of denial was absent. Asuka nodded instead, to her own surprise. "Yeah. You're not wrong, for once. Idiot. Get over here."
Shinji did as instructed and marched over to her. They were mere feet apart, so close she could smell the tooth paste on his breath. She curled her hand into a fist and punched him square on the jaw. Her own bones cracked and wailed their disapproval at her use of force. Shinji's head reared back; he had not tried to dodge or block, even when her attack had been more than telegraphed.
"Don't you ever do some sick crap like that again, am I clear?" Asuka hissed, massaging her knuckles. Her hand began to swell in unison with Shinji's cheek. He nodded emphatically. "I don't know if I'm ready to forgive you for all of it yet, or if I'll ever be able to. But for what it's worth, I'm forgiving what I can." Another nod. His eyes clouded, but Shinji swallowed back the tears. Good. She needed him to be strong for the following hours. "Now hold me."
"I… what?" he stammered. "Did you just say-"
"What are you, deaf as well as stupid?" she demanded, exploding one last time. "I said come over here and hold me, damn it!"
Shinji reacted at last, and carefully wrapped his arms around her. Once her face was hidden away beside his nape, the tight hold on her emotions loosened. A strangled sob bled out of her chest, followed by a wrathful howl and a stream of unwanted, endless tears. The fire raged on as she cried, burning away the remnants of her identity as the Second Child, her false pride, and the many lies she had told herself in order to survive.
Asuka's hands curled and uncurled on his shirt, her fists weakly slammed against Shinji's chest, her nails dug into his skin as she drew him close. He did not waver, look away or avoid the flames. They burned him as well, scorched away the misery that had seeded in his heart and turned his trepidation into ash. There was no need to hide anymore, no need to lie. He had said the words, several times over.
I need you.
And he did. Shinji Ikari needed Asuka Langley Soryu, not the Second Child. He accepted her, flaws and all, and held her for an entire day. Her voice grew hoarse, sunlight faded. At some point her legs did collapse, but Shinji caught her and carried her to the sleeping bag.
Refusing to let go of his hand, Asuka sat with a blanket draped over her shoulders and pretended to glare at him. All Shinji did was smile, however, and thanked her repeatedly. She did not ask why he was thanking her, and he failed to elaborate.
More tears burned at her eyes, even when it felt she had cried herself empty. She grieved the passing of her mother, the foolishness in realizing too late who had been protecting her all along. She lamented the death of whatever innocence remained in her soul before Third Impact.
Soon after Shinji fed her soup with his free hand, dragged his sleeping bag next to hers. He lay beside her after Asuka started nodding off. "Will you be here tomorrow, when I wake up?" Shinji murmured, eyes drifting closed. "Asuka?"
"Idiot," she murmured back. "Where the hell am I supposed to go? Of course I'll be here."
Shinji nodded. "Thank you."
"You're welcome."
Asuka grinned into her bowl of stew. Speaking came naturally now, so did smiling. "Aren't you the one supposed to be thanking me for creating a snare essentially out of sticks and stones, idiot?"
Shinji chuckled; a calming, gentle sound. "Of course. We'd both be starving without the Great Asuka Langley Soryu's intellect. And I am grateful." He offered a small, shy smile. "More than you'll ever know."
Her face burned with the next stream of unwanted emotions. "Whatever, eat your stupid mud stew already. I don't want you eating less on my behalf like yesterday."
They ate in silence, one which had long since become comfortable and inviting. Asuka noticed the way Shinji's hands trembled while holding the chopsticks. Small crimson stains decorated his plastic bowl once they were done, so she snatched his wrist before he could get up to feed their fire.
"That's enough wood working for you," she ordered. "Look at these blisters. Ugh, I told you to take it easy with that ax. I know it 'helps you think' or whatever, but we only have so many antibiotics." She placed a bowl of warm water between them, and carefully washed away the blood and grime from Shinji's fingers. "I don't suppose you want these to get infected and fester, do you? Gangrene and necrosis come next and before you know it, I'll be using your dearest ax to chop off your decaying hand."
"You're too kind," he said with not a trace of sarcasm or deceit. "Thanks."
He flinched from time to time, or hissed under his breath, but never once complained or tried to pry his hand away. She was not forceful either, and instead found herself enjoying the simple task of dressing Shinji's small wounds with a pack of childish band-aids taken from a store. Dressing the hands that tried to kill me and having a blast. God, I'm so fucked up. But so is he, so who cares?
"There," Asuka announced in triumph. "I just saved your life, idiot."
They laughed at the silly faces drawn on the band-aids, at how chaotically she had arranged the tones of pink, green, purple, yellow and red. They laughed at nothing as the night wore on, and spoke of plans for the coming day. She offered to show Shinji how to build a trap, which he eagerly accepted, promising to try his best.
Drowsiness claimed her first, as always. Asuka's head lolled on Shinji's shoulder. His body stiffened for a few seconds, then relaxed altogether. His head lay atop hers, and his arm wrapped around her shoulders. When next she blinked, they were already curled up in the blankets. Shinji's eyes stared back, deep pools of blue that eased her senses further. His hands had trapped one of hers, the one she had used to punch him a week before, fingertips running lazy circles around her knuckles.
"Will you be here tomorrow, when I wake up?" he asked, as he did every night. "Sorry for being a broken record."
"What are you-" she started, and yawned. "Stupid or something? Of course I'll be here. Someone has to take care of your idiotic behind, right?"
"Thank you." Shinji closed his eyes, and planted a soft kiss on her hand. "I'll be here too, so long as you need me to."
"Better clear your schedule for the coming lifetime, then," Asuka mumbled back. "You said forever, didn't you? I'll hold you to your word, Idiot."
"I'm glad." For once, Shinji drifted off to sleep first. "You're like… medicine. When you're close, it doesn't hurt."
Heh. Same goes for you, idiot. "Sleep well, Shinji."
"Sweet dreams, Asuka."
And they were sweet, indeed. She dreamed of a lost world, a vision that found her more frequently each night. Drifting through Instrumentality she found him, playing the cello in a dark hall. She grabbed the viola that manifested in her hand and joined the song, which drew his eyes to her. They swayed along in a sea of infinite faces, focusing only on each other, on the chords that bled out of their souls, and into the instruments. The song was always forlorn, a sad tale of wanting, of reaching out in the dark and brushing off against skin, of finding warmth and meaning in another.
"If you can't get what you want, but you can get me," Shinji asked. "Would that be enough?"
"God, are you stupid or something?" she reiterated, rolling her eyes. "What if what I want is you, doofus? I said all of you or nothing at all, and I meant it."
In her dream Shinji's smile was placid, peaceful. With every passing day his real expression came closer to that of her dream. "Would you be willing to leave this place, and be out there again? It hurts out there. Everything hurts."
"Yeah, that's how you know it's real, Shinji." Her hair swayed through the waves. "Show me the door. You and I have lots of stuff we need to clear out, and I'm done wasting time. Mama raised me better than that."
Light reflected off the window and caressed her features in the morning. Asuka's eyes opened, glad to see Shinji still asleep. He was not flinching as usual, nor was he trashing about. Her fingers ran though his locks, then traced his jawline with the faintest touch.
"Prescribed burn," she whispered. Her hand stilled, cupping his cheek. Sometimes, the bushes had to scorch away in order for new life to sprout from the ashes. A new forest, another chance at living, truly living instead of existing. "It has a nice ring to it, don't you think, Ba-ka-Shin-Ji?"
FINIS.
AN: First of all, my eternal gratitude to my dearest wife. Love you mi Sol. A massive thanks to my friends who support my ill-advised fanficion endeavors. Love you all, you bastards! And thirdly, a massive thank you to you, the reader, for taking the time to slog through my latest mental jumble. Hope it didn't suck too much!
I've repeatedly had discussions regarding EoE, mostly cause I don't really buy the whole 'Third Impact was a great therapy session' narrative. Sure, hope is not lost and there's a ray of sunlight somewhere in the wreckage, but damn it if the words "I feel sick" aren't a bitter way to close the curtains. However! In the spirit of being more mentally flexible, I tried this approach. Again, I hope it didn't suck much! If it did, or didn't, I'd love to know! Feel free to drop a lil review on your way out!
Remember to do your cardio, hug your parents, drink water, go on walks, promote arson-I mean say hi to your neighbors, and stay awesome! Much love, yall! DB out.
PEACE.