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It was a quiet evening that day in the garden as he carefully groomed the flowers of his section. Not that there was much to be done, Wildberry kept his patch particularly neat and in order, while flourishing all the same. It meant that at calm nights like this he could simply enjoy his surroundings without much worry.
If only this was such a night.
Wildberry sighed for what felt like the millionth time that day. He'd just returned from an outer-kingdom training expedition, and he could physically feel his head cracking from the overwhelming ruckus of the new trainees.
He really should've just let the task fall upon someone else, but he guessed that the distributer for once deserved mercy from his sharp (unintentional) glare. Which to hell with that, he's never taking trainee duty again, no matter how many (intentional this time) glares he has to give.
He still isn't happy with the fact that his headache isn't gone despite it being a couple hours since though (you know why).
Maybe he should go to those monthly balls more often, at least for the means of better regulation. (What a great plan, stand there awkwardly in a corner while everyone there clearly wants you gone.)
Wildberry scoffed, shaking his head, disrupting insecurity is the last thing he wants, nor needs right now. He stares up at the stars while fidgeting with the rim of his gauntlet.
He'll never be good at this successfully avoiding his problems thing. As he currently was trying to desperately drown out the distant sound of partying coming from the castle, all attempts futile however; even his “safe place” per say, wasn’t working.
Yes, the true reason his head (still) felt like to was going to burst that evening (though dealing with the trainees was rather stressful).
Tonight, nearly the whole kingdom (no one wants any low-lifes there) had piled into the Hollyberry castle and surrounding area to celebrate the eventful return of Her Majesty Queen Mother, Hollyberry Cookie.
To put it lightly, Wildberry was lost. In his thoughts, in his emotions, heck even memories. He, wasn’t sure how to feel about the Queen Mother right now. Never having been great at understanding his emotions, much less conveying them effectively, the abrupt comeback of Hollyberry had completely stumped him.
Relief, anger, longing, sorrow, guilt and more all consumed him in a vicious whirlwind, leaving him more overwhelmed than he had been in a while.
Too overwhelmed to even consciously imagine how an interaction between them would even go. How was he to act? Should he avoid her? Pointedly ignore her in social situations? No, she was too straightforward for that. What would he even say? “Hi, I so hate you for randomly showing up like this but if you do try to leave again, I will physically fall apart, even though I will also proceed to avoid you as much as possible after this.”?
…
That was too scarily close to the throbbing of his heart for his liking.
His head fell into his hands and Wildberry sat there, glaring at the ground as if it was personally responsible for his painstaking situation. He realistically knew he couldn’t avoid it forever, judging by Hollyberry’s overbearing personality, however he, also realistically, had no idea how to approach this.
It was like all his composure skills had gone right out the window as he has no clue how to process anything.
Her majesty had a tendency of leaving him dumbfounded like this. Even now, when he's supposed to be better at this emotion stuff (doesn't feel like it though) he still just gets stuck.
Because how do you just greet someone who left you. Who disappeared without a trace, and had you searching all over the place, for hours and hours, body wore out to exhaustion, voice sore beyond repair, and hope diminished to dust.
Turns out it was all for her to have just, left. Abandoned them. Going off, searching for cheap thrills to "heal" herself instead of confiding in those who actually care.
And he spent so long kept up in this.
Hours of searching, hours of arguments, hours of self-blame, deprivation, and hatred, hours of breakdown after breakdown as his tween self just couldn't comprehend how the most indestructible person in his life could just disappear.
All for it all to just, not matter. Like at all.
A sigh once again escapes his lips, gradually turning into a broken, sorrowful laugh. How pathetic he probably looks, hunched down, hysterically laughing into his palms. The situation set up like the universe was continuing its personal vendetta against him.
He hates everything that 's happened, what she did, how he felt and feels. The pain from all this, the primary reason of his current state.
But, logically speaking, he understands it. The thoughts, the why. The quiet self-deprivating retreat from confrontation. The urge to fade away and not have to burden close ones with personal problems.
He understands it.
.
He understands it.
.
.
.
Because he'd do the same.
.
.
.
And he hates it.