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Casting Calls

Summary:

How do you think Joss gets those magnificent actors to work for him?

Work Text:

I.

1a. Costar
JOSS WHEDON: Hey, Aly.
ALYSON HANNIGAN: Joss! Hi! Been a long time...how are you doing?
JOSS: Great, just great. And you? That show you're in is doing pretty well, huh?
ALYSON: Yeah, it's great, good ratings, a lot of fun...hey, you should write an episode for us!
JOSS: Yeah, yeah, I'll think about it. Hey, that guy you work with? Neil Patrick Harris? Can I talk to him?
ALYSON: ...
JOSS: Please?
ALYSON: *sigh* Nice talking to you too, Joss.

1b. Sing
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS: Hello? This is NPH.
JOSS: Neil! Good to meet you! Joss Whedon here. You've heard of me.
NPH: Oh yeah, big fan. What can I do for you?
JOSS: Be in my project.
NPH: Yeah? Tell me about the role.
JOSS: You're the star.
NPH: Uh-huh...
JOSS: You're an evil supervillain named Dr. Horrible.
NPH: And?
JOSS: You get to sing. A lot.
NPH: I'M IN.

 

2. Super
JOSS: Yo, Nate.
NATHAN FILLION: Hey Joss. What's up?
JOSS: You're a superhero.
NATHAN: Yes, I am.
JOSS: Excellent. See you Monday for first day of shooting.
NATHAN: Awesome! ...Wait, what?

 

3. Starving Artist
FELICIA DAY: Hi, Joss.
JOSS: Hey, Slayer! It's been a long time! How are you doing?
FELICIA: Pretty good! My web series, The Guild, is doing great, and--
JOSS: Yeah, great, awesome. Listen, want to play the heroine in my new project?
FELICIA: Sure! Do I get to be badass and fight evil again?
JOSS: Well, no...you fall in love with an incredibly cheesy superhero who doesn't appreciate you, and die painfully and tragically in the arms of the man who actually loves you.
FELICIA: ...Do I get paid?
JOSS: No.
FELICIA: ...*sigh* Yeah okay I'll do it.

 

II.

1. Desperation
ELIZA DUSHKU: Remember me?
JOSS: Faith!
ELIZA: Eliza, actually.
JOSS: Right, right.
ELIZA: I need your help.
JOSS: Do you?
ELIZA: I haven't been in, like, anything since Buffy.
JOSS: You want me to do what, exactly?
ELIZA: ...Make a new show for me to be in that revolves around me and is really just a showcase of me and what I can do?
JOSS: I'll see what I can do.

 

2a. Fanboy
JOSS and RONALD D. MOORE: OMG I LOVE YOUR SHOWS DUDE!!!
JOSS: ...
RON MOORE: ...
JOSS: So, Helo. He's awesome.
RON: Yeah.
JOSS: I need him.
RON: ...Uh?
JOSS: Can I talk to him?
RON: Dude, you do know he's fictional, right?
JOSS: He is?! Ha, sure, I meant Tahmoh Penikett. I want to talk to him.
RON: Oh. Okay, yeah, sure.

2b. Fanboi
JOSS: Mr. Penikett!
TAHMOH PENIKETT: Yes?
JOSS: Hi. Joss Whedon. You've heard of me.
TAHMOH: Yeah, of course.
JOSS: Good. I need you.
TAHMOH: ...'scuse me?
JOSS: In my show. I'm making a new show. I need you to be in it.
TAHMOH: Oh. Uh, okay?
JOSS: I want to have your babies.
TAHMOH: ...Pardon?
JOSS: You get to save the ladies.
TAHMOH: Uh...okay, well, that sounds like a cool role...
JOSS: Great! And they lived happily ever after!
TAHMOH: That doesn't sound like your usual shows.
JOSS: No, I meant you and me.
TAHMOH: ...

 

3. Negotiation
JOSS: Disfiguring facial scars and repressed, damaging memories.
AMY ACKER: ...
JOSS: No weird leather-armor catsuit.
AMY: No blue hair or creepy eyes.
JOSS: No promises. Some clients like blue-haired Actives.
AMY: *sigh* ...Okay.

 

4. Make Up
JOSS: I know it's been a while since we've talked, and I know we didn't really part on the best of terms, but please hear me out. Just give me a chance. We both said and did some things we regret, I know. I know I hurt you. It hurt me too, more than you know. I guess what I'm trying to say is...I'm sorry. I miss you. I want you back.
ALAN TUDYK: Are you going to kill me again?
JOSS: No promises. You're the villain.
ALAN: ...
JOSS: What do you say? Give a guy a second chance?
ALAN: ...*passionate embrace* OhGodneverleavemeagain