Chapter Text
—-Day 1——
The sky was clear blue, but her mind was clouded. She drove two and a half hours, to a cabin nonetheless, so her son could spend one whole week on vacation at his girlfriend’s grandparents’ cabin. She was not at all looking forward to this trip. She has only met Kira’s dad, Carl, and he seemed nice enough, so when she was cajoled into joining Noah and the O’Halloran’s for a week of July 4th festivities, she didn’t have a choice but to agree. Between Kira and Noah both spamming her with messages, and Carl O’Halloran reaching out personally, she had to say yes. Who was she to stand in the way of young love.
She’d been fourteen once. She knows how strong puppy love is, the infatuation of that first relationship. They’re young still, both fourteen going on fifteen, and this is the first serious – and she uses that term loosely because how serious can two fourteen-year-olds really get? It’s not like they can move in together, or buy a house at this age. But, this is the first person Noah has dated where he’d ask his mother to buy him condoms.
Even though they have always communicated openly about sex, it had gutted her. Her baby was growing up. She was relieved he’d asked, glad he felt like he could trust her enough to talk to her about what he was feeling and right now, both he and Kira have been feeling a lot. She knows they haven’t done anything yet, Kira herself told her as much, because apparently Kira also felt she could confide in Olivia.
She didn’t mind it, that both kids had come to her for advice, and she was quick to ask Kira if Noah had pressured her in any way, but the girl assured he hadn’t. They both would be 15 this year and after three months of talking and six months of dating, they both were feeling those teenage hormones raging. She gets it, she does, but sometimes she wished her son had confided in Fin, left her in the dark, because she thinks it would have been easier just to have found the unused condoms hidden in his room. She would have confirmation he was being safe without knowing any details.
She’s mulled this over the whole drive, sorting her feelings on the matter. She feels pride because he came to her and talked to her, anxiety because accidents can happen and no method is 100% fool proof, and finally heartbreak because her boy is growing up. She doesn’t get to dwell too much longer though, because the moment her tires leave the main highway, and the pavement is replaced by dirt and gravel, her mind is filled with a new anxiety. She will be spending an entire weekend with perfect strangers, and per her son’s request, she can’t be a cop on this trip.
What kind of request is that anyway? She is a cop, has been for over 30 years, but she agreed in the end. She would leave her Captain’s shield and all the responsibilities that come with it behind in the city, to just be Noah’s mom. She wouldn’t be Captain Benson, she’d just be Olivia, mother of Noah Benson. No victims, no perpetrators, for seven whole days. One look at the cabin in front of her and she thinks for a second it might not be so bad, even though she isn’t a very outdoorsy person.
She kills the engine on her car, stares at the beautiful cabin barely illuminated by what little sunlight is left and just breathes. She breathes deeply for the first time in weeks.
“Mom!” Of course her serenity wouldn’t last long, her motherly duties await. Smile, shake hands, socialize and hope to hell the rest of Kira’s family is as nice as Kira and Carl. “You made it, finally.” Noah says loudly as he descends the cabin steps to her car.
“Hi Ms. Benson!” Kira exclaims.
“I did. Uncle Fin is officially in charge, and I’m yours for the next six days.” She smiles brightly at him, stepping out of her SUV.
“I uh, may have failed to disclose that you are a cop to the rest of Kira’s Family. So, act like a lawyer or something,” he whispers.
“Why don’t you want them to know I’m a cop? They aren’t into anything –” She looks panicked for a split second as she speaks but he cuts her off.
“No mom. Chill. Kira’s grandpa used to be a cop and apparently, it’s not something Kira’s family talks about.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah. Kira said her mom said her grandpa was never the same after he retired and eventually her grandma divorced him.”
“Is her grandmother here?”
“No. She’s off in Italy with her new husband and Kira’s uncle.”
“Ah. I will try my best to keep all police talk out of this trip.” She assures him one last time and turns to walk to retrieve her luggage from the back of her SUV.
“Welcome! You must be Noah’s mom.” She hears a voice calling, his footfall echoing as he descends the steps. She freezes, because she knows that voice. She sat across from that voice for 12 years, and even though it’s been 16 years since she last heard his voice, she would know that deep baritone anywhere. She looks up about the time he rounds the back of her SUV. It’s slow motion, she’s sure, when their eyes meet. They slam into her so suddenly, all of the emotions: anger, hurt, and betrayal, but mostly hurt. She thought her heart had been mended long ago, but one word is all he utters and her heart shatters all over again.
“Liv?” He whispers in disbelief. He stops in his tracks, stares at her for a moment.
“Elliot,” she replies in kind.
The two kids on the sideline watch with rapt attention, both confused as to what is happening. The adults stare at each other for a long-paused moment, both looking fully immersed in the other’s eyes and expressions. It isn’t until the rest of the Stablers come out that the kids realize, these two have history, and it’s extensive.
“We all came to meet Noah’s –” Kathleen Stabler’s voice can be heard before she’s seen. Kathleen stops dead in her tracks, causing the other siblings to almost crash into her. “Olivia?”
Noah has never quite seen his mom this flustered, or hurt, and his interest is now fully piqued. How does she know Kira’s grandpa, and why does she look like she’s seen a ghost?
“Oh my god, Olivia. You are Noah’s mom?” She says happily and rushes to hug her. Olivia reciprocates, of course, because his kids didn’t leave her without a word, he did. They were just caught in the crossfire of whatever shit he had going on at the time.
“Kathleen. It’s been a long time. So good to see you.” She says sadly, hugging her, then each of the Stabler siblings. The only person who doesn’t hug her is him, Kira’s grandpa, who his mom just called Elliot. “Dickie, Lizzie, Maureen, it’s so good to see you too.”
“It’s Richard now, but nice to see you too Liv.” He smirks, and smacks his dad on the chest as he walks away.
“Come on mom, I’ll show you your room.” He says excitedly but her heart is no longer in this trip.
“Noah, I think it’s best if I just go back to the city.” She says sadly, because she sees the heartbreak across his face. Elliot still hasn’t moved.
“But mom –”
“Noah can you take Kira in the house so your mom and I could talk?”
“No Noah. You stay here. I have nothing to say to Kira’s grandfather.”
“Liv –”
“No!” she exclaims. “Not Liv. Olivia. Only my friends call me Liv, and you are a stranger to me.”
“Olivia, please? He’s been excited for you to meet everyone since Carl picked him up. Don’t hurt him because of me,” he whispers and it hits its intended target. Her shoulders tense, and she straightens her spine.
“Fine.” She grumbles and she sees the moment Noah’s face lights up. She grabs her suitcase quickly out the back, shooting a warning glance at Elliot not to touch her bag and he heeds the warning. When her luggage is set down and the hatch is closed, she turns to him. “Don’t talk to me, this whole trip. You understand that Stabler?”
“Yes.” He replies sadly.
“Good.” She walks past him just a pace, hands Noah her bag before she speaks again. “Oh, and Elliot, one more thing.” She clenches her fist as he turns. He doesn’t see it coming, or doesn’t dodge it, one of the two.
“Yes –” A sharp thud echoes as her fist collides with his face, and he falls to the ground. His hand cradles his cheek and he shakes his head as she shakes her hand.
“Son of a bitch!” she mumbles as she turns and stalks away.
——————
Her hand is red, knuckles angry from the force of which they collided with Elliot’s face. She knew he was solid, but his jaw felt like it was made of titanium. Her mood has slightly improved though, so she’ll live with the sore knuckles. She even cracks a tiny smile when he grabs a frozen bag of peas for his face upon entering the cabin, which is filled with far more people than she realized would be here.
Elliot, four of his kids, his brother Randall, his sister Dee, and finally Maureen’s three kids all crammed into this massive cabin that has six bedrooms and two and a half baths. How he afforded this place on a retired detective’s salary she will never know, but it’s not like she’s going to strike up a conversation and ask him. She told him not talk to her at all, which also means, she will not be talking to him.
She told him not to talk to her, and he doesn’t, but he does push his boundaries. He’s always liked pushing his limits with her, she knows because she did with him too. Every argument always turned into a game of chicken to see who would fold first. He doesn’t fold per se, but he’s beside her before she knows it, grabbing her left hand a little roughly and turning it to slap the bag of peas against her palm. He doesn’t say anything, just walks away, and everyone in the room looks to her in bewilderment.
Noah still doesn’t know how she knows Kira’s grandfather. She supposes she could have said she knew him, explained they were partners on the job first before she decked him, but hindsight is twenty-twenty. He hasn’t asked yet, even though he’s been stealing glances at her every so often. The room is filled with an awkward silence, so she excuses herself, and removes herself from the equation.
———-----
She should have known the one place she would escape to is also the one place he would go. Quiet, secluded, tucked in a corner just off from the house is a beautiful gazebo she planned on taking full advantage of until she spots him, standing there with his head bowed. She tries to be quiet as she turns to walk away but her boots snag a twig, breaking it in half and she knows she’s been caught trying to make a getaway because she can feel his gaze. She turns back to face him and breaks her own rule.
“I didn’t realize you were out here, I thought you’d be with your kids.” She says awkwardly. “I’m just going to –” she uses her thumb to point back toward the cabin.
“Wait –” he asks softly. “Olivia please? I missed you. God, I missed you. Just let me explain.”
“Elliot we don’t have to do this here, right now.” She pinches the bridge of her nose and bows her head.
“Please?” He sighs.
“Right here? Right now?” He nods his head and she paces a second before stopping in front of him. “Are you trying to apologize or –?” she stops, tears glistening in her eyes, his as well.
“Liv, I’m sorry.”
“Are you sorry for leaving or walking –” she pauses – “or for not giving me the courtesy of telling me?” She lets the question sit for a moment, then continues. “I had to find out from Cragen.” It lands the way she intended. “You were the most, single most important person in my life and you just –” she gestures with her hands – “disappeared.”
“I was afraid, if I heard your voice I wouldn’t have been able to leave.” His voice cracks as he says it, but she just huffs out a laugh in response.
“That’s a cop out. You are blaming me for you not being able to tell me goodbye.” She laughs derisively. “You know, I think this was a mistake and I –” she turns to leave, but he grabs her bicep, pulling her into a hug. It’s awkward, because her hands are still by her side, and she doesn’t dare move them to caress him.
“Don’t leave. Please?” He burrows his face in her neck. “I’m sorry, God Olivia I’m so sorry.” He breathes deeply, and she can feel his breath on her neck as he exhales. She doesn’t move. Just stands idle because she can’t do this. Not today, maybe not ever. She does what she does best, she pushes him away, literally, but it’s not a hard push, just a little nudge to make him step back. As soon as she’s clear of his grasp she doesn’t hesitate to turn her back to him.
“Liv –”
“We don’t need to be friends Elliot. Once this week is over you and I become strangers again.” She walks away then, not daring to look back.
_____________
Noah’s never seen his mom quite so flustered, hurt, or positively angry. When she first arrived, she’d been nervous but she looked happy, until Mr. Stabler had spoken and then he watched as his usually calm mother became a mass of emotions. She had always discouraged violence growing up, telling him to never hit someone else unless it was self-defense. But she hit Mr. Stabler and he wasn’t posing a threat. He was horrified at first, his mom hitting his girlfriend’s grandpa, but the more he thinks about it, it was kind of badass. His mother had hit a man who was bigger and stronger than her for God’s sake, and she gave no fucks about repercussions.
He almost wishes he would have recorded it, because his mom had put him down like an old dog, laid him out in the dirt and didn’t so much as apologize. It was fascinating really because Mr. Stabler hadn’t said a word to her, almost as if he thought he deserved it, and from the expression his mother gave, he did. There was definitely a story there, and he was dying to find out. He asked Kira, she denied ever knowing his mom before they got together, but then he saw the moment her eyes flashed wide.
“She’s the woman from grandpa’s wallet!” she said excitedly.
Wait, what? Grandpa’s wallet? Her grandfather kept a photo of his mom in his wallet?
“What?” He asked, confused because he knew his mom definitely didn’t have any pictures of Mr. Stabler, at least none that he knew about. Mom had a thing about privacy, so he did not like snooping through her personal things.
“Grandpa has a picture in his wallet of a woman, it’s old, like real old. I found it one time when I was little.” Her face drops. “I asked him about her, you know.”
“What did he say?”
“He said she was a friend from his past, and wouldn’t say anything else. He looked sad, and when I asked mom about her, she told me not to bring it up again. Grandma and grandpa had been fighting again, then.”
“Because of my mom?”
“I don’t know. I was five and mom said it was grown up business. I know they used to fight over the job all the time. Grandma said grandpa wasn’t himself after he retired.”
“You think they –” he doesn’t finish his sentence because his mom wouldn’t do that, would she? She hasn’t dated since he was little, since Tucker, and she hasn’t really had any other relationships as far as he knows.
“I don’t think so, but why would he have her picture in his wallet?”
“What are you two gabbing on about?” Maureen startled them both, causing them to shriek.
“Mrs. O’Halloran?”
“Yes Noah?”
“How does my mom know your dad?” He asks meekly.
“Liv was dad’s partner at SVU for 12 years,” she smiles.
“Is that all?”
“Oh. You two think they –” she laughs a little. “I don’t think they did, but as kids back then, I think there were things we didn’t understand about adult relationships. I think that while they never had an affair, things just got complicated between them, and then dad left.”
“So, they were friends?”
“Yes. Best friends. I don’t think now is the best time to ask questions though, because your mom’s right hook is brutal.” She jokes and both Kira and Noah to laugh. They’re still giggling when the door opens and his mom steps through, looking distraught, hurt, and sad.
He hates to see his mom sad, even if it is a rare occasion. He’s only seen her cry a handful of times, but none of those times has she looked like this. Her eyes are red, slightly puffy, and watery. She isn’t crying, but it looks as though it wouldn’t take much for her to. It makes him a little angry, knowing Mr. Stabler is the reason for her tears, but it also makes him wonder just how much his mom compartmentalizes, keeps hidden away to try and protect him. She keeps her feelings close to the vest, he’s always known, so why would now be any different?
—-Day 2——
Mornings were always rough, no matter if she were home getting ready for work, or here. She couldn’t turn off her internal alarm. No matter how much she wanted to sleep in, and truly relax, at 6 am she's fully awake. Not like she slept that well anyway, how could she? She’d had the shock of her life last night.
By 7 am she’s dressed in jeans and a T-shirt, and ready for her morning cup of coffee. She should be surprised he’s already up when she goes downstairs, but she isn’t. She is surprised though that he already has a steaming mug filled for her when she arrives, and is prepping breakfast.
“Morning,” he says quietly.
“Morning,” she replies, grabbing the steaming mug of coffee and taking a slow sip.
“Did Noah give you a rundown of the activities we have planned this week?”
“You think I bought a tent just to be buying it?” She deadpans and he laughs.
“Touché. I didn’t think you liked camping,” he says honestly.
“I don’t, but Noah was excited so –” she shrugs.
“Everyone should be up soon, then we can get started on getting our supplies together for the hike and camping trip.”
“Why do you insist on sleeping outside when you have this place?” She asks seriously.
“It’s not for the full week Olivia.”
“Do you even know where we are going?”
“Carl does. He is the definition of an outdoorsman.”
“And you?”
“I know my way around a campfire, and camping, but Carl, kid can explore anywhere with just a map and a book of matches.”
“In other words, you camp, but you weren’t as dedicated a scout as him?”
“Exactly. Signed up for Boy Scouts as a kid because I thought girls would like it. Turns out they liked football better.” He laughs and she does crack a smile at that.
“So, is everyone going on this excursion?”
“Dee is staying here at the cabin. Joey is supposed to be bringing mom up tomorrow so she can be here for the 4th.” She watches him for a second, moving around the kitchen.
“Need any help?”
“I think I got it Benson.”
“Don’t say I didn’t offer.”
“Never. Hey by the way, before I forget, did you bring hiking boots?”
“I picked up whatever supplies were on the list. Canteen, boots, two-person tent I’ll be sharing with Noah, and a backpack.”
“Good deal. I think everyone will be pairing up this trip.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah. Richard didn’t wanna share with his old man, so he picked Randall instead. Carl and Maureen have a family tent so they and the kids will be sharing. Lizzie and Kathleen, you and Noah.”
“And you?”
“Lone wolf.” He quickly answers, throwing a dish towel over his shoulder.
The room becomes enveloped in silence after that. It’s awkward, how could it not be? They are essentially strangers now. Hell, until yesterday she didn’t even know he had grandkids. She adds that to the list of why they will not be staying in touch after this week. Had he truly missed her he could have picked up the phone sometime in the last 16 years. She’s still angry at him, no matter if they did just have a cordial conversation, they are strangers to each other now.
She’s still watching him move around the kitchen. She never really paid attention to what he was cooking before but as soon as she sees him bring out the double broiler, she realizes he’s making eggs benedict. Elliot Stabler, sometime in the last 16 years has learned to cook. She smiles softly, watching him so relaxed in this space.
“When did you learn to cook?” she asks, genuinely is curious. “Or should I ask how did you learn to cook?”
He’s still stirring the hollandaise sauce when he replies. “After my divorce –” he holds a long pause, taking care to not separate his sauce, “lived on my own a while in Italy, before coming home, so I took a few culinary classes at one of the little mom and pop shops down the street from my apartment.”
“Retirement treated you well.”
“I wasn’t retired,” he says slowly.
“What?”
“I retired for all of a year when a buddy of mine got me in private security. It’s how I could afford this place.” He shrugs taking the sauce off the stove. “You think retirement would be great, but I assure you, there’s only so many things you can do on repeat before you have to find something to do. I was not good at being idle.” They both laugh at that. “Come. Taste this.” He beckons with his hand and like a moth to a flame, she goes. It does look good, she will admit, and it takes her a minute to realize that he’s already fixed the ham and poached eggs.
He gets a spoon from the drawer, dips lightly into the sauce and blows just enough to cool it down before he steps closer and brings it to her lips. She’s more than capable of holding the spoon herself, goes to reach for it, but he smacks her hand away lightly and challenges her. She opens her mouth for him, letting him feed her. It’s good, that’s her first thought, as the spoon exits her mouth passing through her lips. He’s gentle, taking care not to clink the spoon against her teeth. He really is full of surprises.
“Well?” he asks. “Verdict?” He waits for a second, not moving from her personal space.
“It’s good.” She smiles softly, nodding her head.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah,” she says and he’s looking at her so strangely she looks at him puzzled. “What?”
“You got a little sauce –” he points to the corner of her mouth, and she moves her hand to wipe it but he beats her to it, caressing her cheek with his hand, using his thumb to wipe off the sauce. She’s looking at him, and he’s looking at her, and it’s a loaded gaze. Her eyes never leave his, even when he brings the thumb to his mouth and tastes the sauce.
“You two are up early.” Maureen’s voice brings them out of their trance, and they both jump back, looking like deer in the headlights. “Am I interrupting something?” She asks looking between the two.
“No!” they both speak at the same time. “We were just –” they both say at the same time. Panicked. The only way Maureen can describe them.
It would be funny and she would laugh if there still wasn’t an air of tension between the two. She’d watched their interaction, had stayed in the shadows, watching the tender moment between the two partners. It was jarring, at first, to see her father be so tender with another woman that wasn’t her mother, but she doesn’t think she’s ever seen her father look at her mother the way he’d just looked at Olivia. It brings her thoughts back to her conversation with the kids yesterday. Adult relationships were complicated, and theirs was more than complicated.
She’s known for a while that her father had feelings for his old partner, but she can’t ever imagine being in that situation, being bound by duty, and not being able to pursue true love. She loved her parents, and they did the best they could, and they did love each other, but she’s not so sure they were in love with one another. Not like her father was with Olivia. Her mother has her happy ending, has found her great love, and now it’s her father’s turn, that is if she can get these two to get their heads out of their asses.
“Calm down. It’s not like you had your tongues down each other’s throats.” She laughs at their nervousness and she sees the moment they calm. “Wouldn’t have been so bad though if you had. Maybe you wouldn’t be so cranky,” she points to her father, “and you would be less stressed.” She laughs when they both look at loss for words. “Kids will be up soon, so if I were you, I’d pull it together. Maybe you two just need to kiss and get it over with.” She laughs when they both put even more distance between them.
“Maureen –” her father starts.
“Chill dad. I’m joking. Maybe,” she smirks.
“I’m going to go get Noah ready,” Olivia says, excusing herself in haste.
————---
Upon Noah’s insistence on being in charge of packing their tent, because he was becoming a man, and it wasn’t that heavy anyway, she let him, because she knew he was trying to impress Kira. Not that he has too, because they both are so inseparable it’s almost nauseating. She’s thankful Elliot double checked their backpacks before they left, though. She’s sure she would have forgotten something, but he meticulously made sure both her and Noah were sufficiently stocked.
Her feet are hurting now, just a bit. They’ve been walking for a while, and she knows he notices because he’s been glancing at her. Watching her favor the ankle she’d had surgery on a few years back. It’s unnerving, watching his concern, and it angers her just a little because where was this concern after the beast? Where was this concern when her son was kidnapped by his grandmother? Where was he when she needed him?
“Your foot ok?” He asks in a whisper. They are hanging back, just a little from the group, bringing up the rear.
“It’s fine,” she says in a clipped tone.
“It’s not fine. You are clearly agitated,” he says. “Did you tie your boots tight?”
“I’ve been tying my shoes for over 50 years Elliot. I believe I know how tight to tie them,” she grits out.
“I’m not saying you can’t tie your shoes, I’m just asking if you want me to tie them tighter so your foot has better support?”
“My foot is supported fine,” she argues back in a low voice so the group in front won’t hear.
“Clearly not. You’ve been favoring that ankle for the past hour. You’re in pain,” he says. “What’s wrong with that foot?” He asks, and it’s the final straw. Between the irritation of her foot hurting, and him knowing without her saying anything, she’s bursting before she can stop herself.
“If you had been around you would know,” she bites out and he blanches.
“I was just asking Olivia. I’m worried that’s all,” he says calmly and it makes her that much more angry.
“Worried?” Her voice is rising. “Now you are worried?” She laughs bitterly stopping in her tracks. She hasn’t noticed that the group who is now starting to pay attention to them, has stopped as well. “You do not need to worry about me, Elliot. Clearly you didn’t for 16 years, so no need to start now!” She says just a little louder, and the group is now fully watching the two.
“You think just because I was gone I didn’t?”
“How could you? You were off with your perfect life in Italy, where you drank espresso and had authentic Italian cuisine in Rome. You left without so much as a goodbye or a, ‘fuck you, Olivia.’”
“You think it was perfect?”
“Wasn’t it? I don’t see you scheduling life around therapy visits,” she laughs in bitterness.
“It wasn’t all roses, Olivia. I worried about you every day.”
“Oh, I’m sure. It must have been so bad running the streets of Rome while I –” she stops herself because he doesn’t need to know. If he wanted to know he would have asked. Furthermore, if he really was worried about her, he could have picked up a phone. “You know what? Never mind,” she grumbles.
“No. What were you going to say?” He grasps her forearm.
“I don’t have to tell you anything,” she jerks out of his hold.
“Talk to me, Liv.”
“I told you, only my friends call me Liv. Furthermore, that’s rich coming from you. Talk to you? I tried, remember? 16 years ago, and you didn’t even have the goddamn common courtesy to pick up the phone. So, fuck off.”
“Will you please stop!?” Noah shouts and both of them look up sharply. “This is supposed to be fun. He’s just trying to help you, mom, and you are being mean to him for no reason.”
“No reason?” She scoffs.
“Yes!” he says harshly.
“Noah, adjust your tone.”
“No. Because I’ve been looking forward to this trip for weeks, and you are ruining it. Usually work would have called by now but they haven’t and you still have found a way to make it miserable.”
“Noah, that’s not fair.”
“Isn’t it? I asked for one week, that’s all, and you can’t even act like you are having a good time, so why didn’t you just stay home? At least you could have been around people you actually want to spend time with, and not your kid and his girlfriend’s family.”
“Noah –” she tries but he continues.
“God, I hate you. I wish you weren’t my mom!” he shouts and it cuts her like a knife to the heart. He storms ahead and she’s still standing there, tears in her eyes.
“Olivia –” Elliot reaches out to touch her but she shrugs away from him.
“He’s right. I should have stayed in Manhattan.” She straightens her spine and turns, intending to walk back down the mountain.
“Liv, where are you going?”
“Home,” she says, her voice cracking just a bit. “I trust you’ll keep him safe,” she says, continuing her path down the mountain.
He looks back to Maureen, Carl, and the others. He gives them an apologetic look before Maureen mouths, “go after her.”
“You all go on. Make sure Noah is ok, I got Liv. We will catch up.”
He follows her, but she doesn’t care. She continues walking, not really sure of the way back, but knowing she can’t in good conscience stay and play happy house with Elliot and his family. She’s been alone her whole life, so why should now be any different?
“Liv.”
“No, Elliot,” she says, not even trying to hide the emotion in her voice.
“Liv. Please, just take a breath. He didn’t mean it. He’s a teenager,” he says. But it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t change how her heart is breaking.
“I’m going home.” She’s traveling faster, turning, trying to lose him. She doesn’t know how long she walks, or how many times she changes directions. She just walks, and he’s barely keeping up. She walks for 30 minutes, before she realizes she can’t shake him, and that she has no clue where she is going. Her ankle is fully throbbing now and she has no choice but to stop for a second and rest on a fallen tree log that is nestled in the only flat surface of the mountain she’s seen since they started walking hours ago.
“Liv, you are in pain,” he says softly, sitting beside her. “Let me see,” he says and she sniffles, pulling her leg up to rest on the tree. When he softly takes her foot in his hand she gasps, pain radiating through her ankle. He lifts her pant leg up, just over the boot, and loosens the laces. He can already see her foot is swollen. “Your foot is swollen, Liv. I can’t remove the boot or you’ll never get it back on, so I’m just going to tie it a little tighter to give that ankle some stability.” He pulls the laces extra tight and she whines just a second but it does feel just a bit better, having it more stable. “Work accident?”
“Ran off the road by a drunk driver, had to have pins and screws put in.”
“It looks painful. Give me the other foot and I’ll tighten it too,” he says softly and she does. She lifts her other foot and lets her left leg fall gently to the ground.
“Thank you.”
“You are welcome,” he says. “He really doesn’t mean it, you know. I don’t know how many times I heard ‘I hate you’ from Maureen or Kathleen when I wouldn’t let them get their way.”
“Doesn’t make it hurt less. I’m sure they never wished they had a different father.”
“He’s just upset. You know he loves you. He talked about you so much before you got here, wanting everyone to meet his mom. He adores you, he’s just a teenager and he doesn’t have as much control over his emotions. Kids say things they don’t mean.” He finishes tying the laces and she sighs because it does feel better.
“Can we sit here a few more minutes?” she asks and he agrees. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gotten so upset when all you were trying to do was help.”
“It’s ok Liv. I get it. I wasn’t here. I missed a lot, but I want to know. When you are ready,” he says softly.
“Yeah, you did. Maybe one day I’ll be able to tell you, but right now I just want to get out of here.” She looks around trying to remember which direction she came from. “El?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you know where we are?” She’s panicking because every tree looks the same and she took so many turns in her haste she’s sure they are lost, especially when she sees the expression on his face.
“Truth or a lie?” He laughs out nervously.
“Truth. Always truth,” she says confidently.
“Not a clue,” he states sincerely.
“Lie. Tell me a lie,” she says in a panic.
“It’s fine Liv. I mean I’m sure we could just use –” he pauses, feeling his pockets when he remembers he gave his copy of the map to Randall. “Fuck.”
“Fuck? What do you mean fuck?” Her voice rises in a panic.
“I gave my map to Randall,” he says. “I didn’t think we’d need it because we were following them.”
“So we are lost?”
“At this moment, yes.”
“Where is the campsite?”
“That is a Carl question. I told you, he’s the outdoorsman.” They didn’t notice the clouds, or how suddenly the sky had changed colors to dark and angry. Thunder claps and she jumps.
“Seriously!” She yells in a panic. “Did you know it was supposed to rain?”
“When we checked the weather two days ago it didn’t project rain.”
“What do we do?”
“I’m gonna work on getting this tent set up. We’ll have shelter until it passes.” He works quickly, pulling the tent from his rucksack. They work together surprisingly well. He does his best to waterproof it, the last thing they need is to be sitting in a puddle of water. It takes a little while, but when it’s finally anchored and secured, they both clammer inside just as the first raindrops fall. Thunder claps loudly overhead, and she jumps again. It’s one thing to be inside when a thunderstorm occurs, but outside? Nope. She’d rather be inside her Manhattan apartment right now, that’s her only thought as she pulls her sleeping bag from her backpack and spreads it on the ground for her to sit on.
She’s visibly trembling, holding tightly to her knees. She’s not afraid of thunderstorms, at least not when she’s inside a house, or her apartment. It’s not the sound, it’s the chance of lightning that frightens her the most. There isn’t anything to protect them out here but the flimsy material this tent is made of.
He watches her, wants to reach over and take her in his arms, but she’s been teetering between letting him in and pushing him away. He makes the choice to pull her in his arms anyway, and she doesn’t say a word when he does. If anything she burrows in his chest, and sighs just as the rain pelts frantically along the plastic.
——-------
Noah feels guilty. So guilty. He told his mom he hated her. She cried, he knew, he could hear it in her voice as she walked away. She walked away and now it’s storming and they still haven’t made it back to them. He keeps looking around, hoping to see her but he can’t, because he told her he wished she had stayed home. He didn’t mean it; he was just angry. He was having a really good time until she became agitated with Mr. Stabler. He could feel the tension when that happened and he hated it, so he lashed out. The guilt didn’t settle in till later, when she was gone, and the rain had rolled in. Carl had stopped them just as the thunder had started, in a small clearing just flat enough for them to camp. That’s when it hit, when he was setting up their tent. Only she wasn’t here, and now he felt horrible.
“You think my mom is ok?” he asks Kathleen.
She smiles reassuringly. “My dad is with her, Noah. I’m sure they are fine. They probably just got caught up in the rainstorm like us.”
He nods, from his place inside Maureen and Carl’s family-sized tent. Everyone’s tents were set up, but they had all huddled in Maureen and Carl’s, hoping to ride out the storm together.
“I need to tell her I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it,” he says sadly.
“I’m sure she knows that. My dad is probably telling her stories of our teenage years, now. It happens.”
“You told your dad you hated him?”
“Many times. Especially when I couldn’t go to the mall with my friends, or when I was grounded.”
“Tell him about the time you got arrested!” Maureen shouts.
“You got arrested!?” he asks with wide eyes.
“Yes. Your mom was the one who arrested me. She arrested Richard once too.”
“And you don’t hate her?” he smirks.
“No. She saved my life Noah, so no. Your mom is a good woman, Noah.”
“She’s the best, and I hurt her feelings,” he sniffles. “I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“She will be fine, and I’m sure you will be able to see her and apologize in no time.”
“You think?”
“I know.”
—-—-------
“I didn’t know you didn’t like thunderstorms.” Elliot whispers into her hair as he holds her. Her head is nestled in the crook of his neck, and she’s clinging to him. He doesn’t think he’s ever seen her look quite so small.
“It’s not that I dislike them, I just prefer to be somewhere more concrete.” She murmurs. “Like in my apartment.”
She needs a distraction. Something to take her mind off the storm. Something to calm the tremble in her body, in her voice. They are lost, in a thunderstorm, in the middle of the Catskills, and she’s being held by a man she has had no communication with for 16 years, until yesterday.
A man whose strength has been used to pummel perps twice her size, who’s not using any of that strength now as he holds her softly against him. She’s breathing hard, so is he, especially when lightening cracks harsh and loud outside, causing them both to jump. She tilts her head up, wanting to look at him for reassurance. He’s already looking at her, eyes seeking out hers, and it’s calming, so calming, to stare into his blue irises.
He’s rubbing her arm rhythmically, and their foreheads drift toward each other. The moment isn’t sexual per se, not at first, but the energy shift is palpable once they realize just how close they are, how his hand on her arm would just need to slide a few inches and he could slide up and around into her long tresses. It’s like a light bulb goes off, and their eyes snap to one another. They both open their mouths seemingly to apologize for this awkward position they’ve put each other in, but the apologies die when their breaths mingle. Down, then up his gaze goes, then hers too, and they orbit like planets pulled by gravity. They both come together at the same time, tilting heads, nipping lightly, eyes closing, then devouring. It isn’t rushed, but it isn’t slow either. It’s passionate, needy, hands gripping hard and unforgiving. It’s peace, contentment, and salvation, like coming home after a really hard day.
She’s on her back in a blink, but she doesn’t mind because he’s cradling her head in his hand, body beside hers, on his side, other hand roaming up the outside of her thigh, as he leans over and devours. She’s not idle, no, her hands have been exploring the hard planes of his chest, and taut muscles in his back. It’s not a game of who can make who fold first, it’s a game of we both finish, together.
His hand has rucked up her t-shirt, gliding along the planes of her stomach. She separates her mouth from his when his hand reaches the fabric of her lace bralette, which holds and supports, but isn’t as bulky as a sports bra. She doesn’t intend to stop and he knows that, just from one look at her half-lidded eyes, and swollen lips. If she wanted him to stop, she would tell him, so he continues. He pushes up slightly, cupping her breast in his hand, feeling the weight sink against his palm. He’s not rough, but he’s there, and she knows he knows she is aroused because the rose-colored bud under his thumb is telling him she is.
Her breath hitches, he smirks, and she pushes him lightly for being smug. “Elliot!” she laughs out.
“What?” he asks, swiping his thumb over her lace covered nipple, over and over again. It hits him like a tidal wave, that need to see her, to feel her skin against his. It could have been five minutes, it could have been 10, but they were both finally, gloriously naked, and he was nestled between her thighs.
“Now, El,” she whines, and he listens, entering her in one swift move. He’s heard people talk about love-making, not just sex, but deep, soul-connecting love-making, what they’re doing right now. It’s not slow, but it’s not fast either. It’s desperate, the way their mouths connect and hands grip. Her head falls back and over and he doesn’t hesitate to latch his lips along the column of her throat in search of the sweet spot he knows is there. She’s moaning unbridled beneath him, and he’s groaning unashamed in her ear. Her legs wrap around him and he sets a punishing rhythm, hard deep strokes that have them both crying out.
His eyes can’t help but watch her, fixated on the way her mouth drops open on a particularly hard stroke, or the way her breath hitches when he puts just a little more of his weight on her and her nipples rub against the hard planes of his chest. His favorite thing though, is watching the deep brown of her eyes get darker, and half-lidded. When they’re both close, and panting, he slows down, kissing her so sensually she whines into his mouth just before he breaks the kiss. “I’ve wanted to kiss you for as long as I can remember.” He’s not moving at all now, just resting inside her and she drags a foot along his calf hoping he takes the hint to move again.
“Yeah?” She asks, and he answers by giving her another deep, hearty kiss. The rain pelts hard and rough against the tent, but the two people inside are too preoccupied to care.
He slowly releases her lips. “God I –” he uses a hand to brush away a stray tendril of hair from her face, and looks deep into her eyes. “I love you,” he whispers.
She stares into his eyes, stunned to silence. She should say something, she really should. But her rational thoughts have been temporarily suspended since the moment he slid into her. It feels like the absence of her voice lasts too long, and shit, she should hurry up and say something.
“El –” she starts, but he shushes her.
“You don’t have to say anything.” Then he’s moving again, coaxing even more filthy noises from her mouth. He rolls them, holding tightly to her till they’re both on their sides facing one another, her leg hooked over his hip. He likes this position; how romantic it is. In this position they can kiss lazily, work together and grind against one another, which is what they do, for a while. Then they roll again, this time so she’s on top, and it’s no less desperate, frantic, as though she can’t get close enough, or their kiss can’t get deep enough.
“Talk to me,” she says desperately. She needs his voice if she’s going to come. She’s so close, she just needs his voice floating in her ear for that final push. Their foreheads are connected, and he’s thrusting up as she brings herself down. It’s frantic but she needs more.
“What do you want –” he pauses to breathe – “me to say?”
“Tell me what you think about me,” she says out of breath, moving her head in the crook of his neck as she concentrates on riding him.
“You, are perfect,” he grunts out. “Every inch of you,” he adds.
“Yes. Keep going,” she moans.
“I’ve always wondered what you looked like when you came. What you sounded like,” he says in a deep baritone. “You’re going to show me now, aren’t you, Liv?”
“Yes,” she whines. “And I told you,” she pants and rocks, “only my friends,” she heaves and rolls, “call me Liv.”
He cackles. “Yeah, well, you’ve always been a feisty one, haven’t you? I always wanted to fuck you when we argued,” he says, and he feels the moment the words really start to work. She’s soaked, and getting wetter with every word he speaks. “I used to think about it all the time. Kissing the smirk off your face when you’d smart mouth me, and fucking you so hard you’d know when we got done who this pussy belonged to.” He catches his breath, grips her hips just as they begin to grind again. “You feel that, Liv?” he whispers in her ear. “Feel how wet you are for me? I did that,” he says more roughly, and she barely has time to blink before she’s on her back again, and he’s ravishing her mouth.
When he breaks the kiss he begins talking again, with even more confidence. “You feel how we fit together Liv, how well you take my cock?” He places kisses along her jaw, spurred on by her whimpers, as he fucks her so hard, she sees stars.
“El. I can’t take –” she can’t finish her sentence for all her moaning.
“Yes you can, baby. You take every inch of this cock.” He keeps going, hitting just right each time, to have her loud and unbridled. He loves watching her, kissing her just when she exhales long and deep, so she’s left just a little breathless. He likes placing kisses along her jaw, and listening to her breath hitch when he does something she likes. In the deepest timbre he’s ever used, he beckons, “Come, Oh-liv-i-a.”
And she does. Hard; just as thunder cracks. Gripping him so tightly he has no choice but to follow her seconds later.
“Fuck!” she calls out, holding him tightly to her. He shifts, just enough to pull out of her and she feels the evidence of him leaking from her as he lies down beside her. He’s breathing heavily in her ear, still holding tightly to her, afraid that if he lets go, she will pull away.
“Yeah, no shit. Can’t believe this is real,” he pants as he plants a kiss on her bare shoulder. He keeps his eyes on her profile, as she stares at their temporary roof.
They lie without words, listening to the sound of one another’s decelerating breaths mixing with the constant pattering of the rain.
“Six. Teen. Years,” she breaths out. “I haven’t seen you, in sixteen years,” she continues breathily. “And somehow, in just 36 hours, I…I let you…”
“Liv, no…” he slowly shakes his head, fear starts to creep in.
“I caved. I fucking caved,” she says in disbelief, almost as if speaking to herself. She starts turning away from him to sit upright and he panics.
“Liv, wait, no...” he sits up.
“It’s OLIVIA!” she snaps her head back to him as she grabs her t-shirt and quickly pulls it over her head.
“Olivia, please? Don’t do this. Let’s just talk…”
“Talk about what, Elliot? How you walked out of my life with not so much as a backwards glance? Only to suddenly turn up sixteen years later, get me into your bed, and then tell me you love me?”
“Not exactly my bed,” he mumbles to himself.
“What was that?”
“I do love you,” he almost shouts.
“You don’t even know me anymore, Elliot!”
“Oh, so it’s Elliot again? ‘Cus just ten minutes ago, you were all, ‘ El, I …’ OWE!” he shouts out in pain as she interrupts his imitation of her by using her jeans to smack across his chest.
“You know what, El-i-ott!? I’m not staying in here with you, not one more second,” she announces in frustration as she slides her feet into her jeans, then stands to pull them up. He quickly jumps up and pulls his boxers back on.
“Olivia, wait! Don’t do this. It’s raining cats and dogs out there; it’s not safe to go out there in this kind of weather. And your ankle…”
“Yeah, well, I need space, Elliot. I need to think!”
“It’s fucking storming, Olivia!” he shouts as he gestures toward the tent’s enclosure.
“Thank you, Captain Obvious. But I’ve been through a lot worse shit, without you, over the past sixteen years. I’m sure I can figure out how to get back to the group without you, too!” she declares.
He stiffens as he watches her pupils darken. Only moments ago, they’d gone dark for a different reason. But now, now he sees fury. And he feels pain. He doesn’t want her to go, and it’s not just because of the storm. But because, now that he’s had a taste of her, he cannot see himself ever being apart from her again. How can a prize he’s barely begun to unwrap cause so much pain when it’s being taken away?
She bends down to tie her boots. He grabs his t-shirt, pulls it on, and squats beside her as she works her laces.
“Olivia, listen…”
“If you say, one, word, to me , about how, to tie my boots …”
“Olivia, listen. Please?” he softly pleads as he gently places a hand on her arm.
“What is it, Elliot?” she huffs in annoyance as she lifts to stand upright.
He sits, elbows resting on raised knees, and he looks up at her. Even pissed, she’s the epitome of gorgeous. Especially post-fuck.
“I’m sorry. Okay, I’m so sorry. But I just, I can’t let you go out there. Not now. If you, regret –” it pains him to say – “what we just did, then fine. No hard feelings. Just, don’t leave. We can stay on separate sides of the tent. Wait out this storm. And the minute it ceases, we can pack up and leave.”
She stands there, arms folded across her chest, looking away from him, but he can tell she’s mulling it over in her head.
“I’ll keep my hands to myself, Olivia. I promise,” he adds for good measure.
He can hear the eye roll in her snicker.
She turns to look down at him. “Fine, Elliot.” She bends to grab her sleeping bag. “I’ll be over here, and you, go back over there.”
_________________
“Kieran, Seamus, knock it off!” Kira pushes her brothers away when they try to grab at her phone. The twins simply giggle mischievously.
“Hey! Boys, leave your sister alone. Get over here,” Carl calls over to them. They both go bouncing back to the other side of the tent.
“We just wanted to see the video,” Seamus whined.
“Kira, you brought your phone? I thought we agreed on a screen free trip for you kids?” Maureen scolds.
“Tattletale!” Kira calls out to Seamus, who’s almost doubled over in laughter.
“Wait, Noah. Does that mean you have your phone, too?” Maureen asks.
He lowers his head as if in shame. “Yes, Ms. O’Halloran.”
“Oh, my god! This is actually a good thing. It’s been two hours now and dad and Liv haven’t come back yet. Noah, call your mom. Find out where they are.”
Pissed at himself for not thinking to do that, he’d been too busy trying to keep the secret of their phones away from the adults, he quickly pulls his phone out of his pocket.
“Why didn’t I think of that an hour ago!” he says as he unlocks his screen. A look of disappointment then spreads across his face.
“Oh, man! I don’t have any signal out here. Mrs. O’Halloran, can you call her? Here’s her number.”
“Hey, wait a minute? Mom, why didn’t you just call grandpa an hour ago?” Kira asks, as if it was so obvious.
“Because, your grandfather decided that he wanted to have a screen-free trip, so he purposely left his phone at home. And since he hasn’t called, I doubt he made it back there. They have to still be out here somewhere,” Maureen answers.
“Well, hey, look. The storm is starting to subside, at least the thunder has decreased, and the rain isn’t so bad anymore,” Richard says as he unzips the tent a little to peer outside. “Maybe one of us should head out to look for them.” He closes the tent and turns to see that everyone is staring at him in silence.
“Seriously, you guys? Me?” he asks.
“You volunteered, you dork,” Lizzie says.
“Besides Richard, apart from Carl, you’re the only other person here who’s just, naturally good at hiking. You really know how to navigate the woods,” Kathleen smirks.
“HA! I’m sure he does,” Randall retorts. “He’s more likely to get poison ivy than find his father. When that man doesn’t want to be found, no one can find him.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Dickie asks defensively.
“Nothing. It’s nothing. Forget I said anything,” Randall raises his hands in surrender and turns to go sit with Kieran and Seamus.
“Well, somebody’s gotta find my mom!” Noah calls out. “She’s not an outdoor person. If she’s lost…”
“Okay, Liv’s phone is going to voicemail. Noah, sweetie, calm down. I’m sure she’s fine,” Maureen consoles. “And Richard, here, he’s just going to go check on both of them. Right, Richard?” she says through gritted teeth as she stares at her brother.
Richards huffs in surrender. “Okay, fine. I’ll go. Uncle Randall, give me your parka. I know your scared ass packed one, pretty sure it’s stronger than mine.”
“Hey, at least I always come prepared,” Randall says.
“Yeah, prepared for the absolute worse,” Kathleen adds.
“You never know what’s going to happen in these kinds of, situations. Okay?” Randall replies. “Prime example,” he adds and he lifts his hands to gesture around them.
“Fine, whatever, just give me the parka,” Richard says as he snatches it out of Randall’s bag anyway. “Noah, I’ll go find your mom, okay?” he says as he looks at the worried young man, who nods his head. He then turns back to his uncle, and lowers his voice “and when I get back here, Uncle Randall, you’d better tell me what you meant by that comment about my dad.”
“Look, Richard. You’re an adult now, so get over it. He stayed away from the states, stayed in Italy for quite some time, after the divorce. Didn’t want to be bothered by any of us, not much. And now, Olivia is back in his life? Come on. Pretty sure he wants some, private time with her. If they’d wanted to come back here, don’t you think they’d have been back by now?”
Richard’s face is stoic as he silently stares at his uncle. Surely, that can’t be what’s happening, here. Can it? Could his father and his father’s old partner have decided to go off by themselves, to be alone together, away from everyone else? He pulls the hood up over his head, then zips the parka up tight.
“You’re wrong about that, Uncle Randall. They only just found each other again. There’s no way they’d do something so rash.” He turns around, grabs a flashlight, the map, and then makes his way out of the tent.
_____________________
How did he fuck this up so soon? He didn't mean for any of this to happen. At least, he didn't plan for this. But touching her that way? He meant it. Every stroke. Every thrust. Every kiss. He meant for her to feel him. And he meant to feel her. She was fucking incredible! Pliant, but strong. Soft and tender in most places, but tight and toned in others. The way she moved, the way she rode him, God, he'd never felt anything like that before. Not even with the woman he’d spent nearly thirty years of his life with.
It was only one time, but he can't help it: he's already hooked.
And she’d been willing; he was so sure of it. It was the storm that drove her into his arms, into his embrace. Or rather, her fear of their exposure to the storm. But, when both of them realized just how close they were, just how vulnerable, it was a mutual decree. Bodies collided, clothes came off, and the ravishing commenced.
He waited 28 years for this, for this very moment. He assumed she'd felt the same. Was he wrong?
She was right, after all. It’s been 16 years since he last saw her, and not just that, but 16 years since he last spoke to her. He never even said a word before he left her, he simply just, didn't show up.
At the time, he thought he'd done the best thing for her, for both of them really, but mostly for her. His career was headed to shit and he didn’t want to bring her down too. And things with his family had already been fragile, the twins were about to go off to college, but Eli was just starting preschool. And his namesake had been the very reason he'd gone back to Kathy in the first place. If not for that, when the twins left home, things probably would've been different: he and Kathy would have been over.
Jenna's shooting was the crucible. The aftermath posed too much of a threat to all he held dear. He couldn't stay at SVU, that much he'd known. But leaving Liv, he really hadn't wanted to do that. But how would he have been able to keep her in his life, if he was no longer on the job? How would he have explained her continued, dominant presence in his life? Kathy had already been wary, no way she would've continued to tolerate his duplicitous bullshit. So he’d had to choose: stay with her and remain a presence in his son's life or leave and risk it all.
He'd chosen the former, and had been miserable every day thereafter. Kathy knew it, and she knew the reason why. For her kid’s sake, she really did try. To remain with him, to get the twins through college together, and to raise Eli together. But in the end, both of their efforts were for naught.
Looking back now, he realizes the only thing that was in the way of his own, genuine happiness, was himself. He’d made the choice to lie down with Kathy the night Eli was conceived. He’d made the choice to go back home to her. He’d held tightly to the belief that his children needed the presence of a father at home, that no man should ever break up his family. He’d allowed his own childhood trauma and Catholic dogma to override his authenticity, because all his life, he’d believed that was the right thing to do. So when Kathy had finally put her foot down, because it was she who’d thrown in the towel, he knew he’d hit rock bottom. And then, when he’d finally found the strength to look up, he was able to see everything from an entirely new perspective. He really could let it all go; he didn’t have to be bound by duty and religious guilt. And his kids didn’t hate him, and even Kathy transformed into a different woman. There was a newfound freedom for all of them. Because he’d finally embraced the truth.
He'd found his peace while he remained in Italy. He spent much of his free time roaming the cities and towns in Tuscany, Lombardy, and Venice. And when he entered Vatican City, and stepped foot into St. Peter’s Basilica, it was like the structure itself administered absolution.
But, what of Olivia? He’d never stopped thinking of her. He’d hoped she was happy, prayed for her often, maybe even more than he prayed for himself. He’d convinced himself that she’d most likely found happiness with him no longer in her way. He’d imagined that she’d taken over SVU, if not the entire NYPD. He’d imagined she’d finally found someone worthy of her, that she’d become a mother and created the family she always wanted. It pained him to know that it would never be him who had her, but it soothed him to believe that she was okay now.
He meant what he said to her tonight, when he told her he loved her. Because God, he did, he loved her so much. To see her last night, for the first time in sixteen years, and learn that he’d only been half correct, he couldn’t believe his luck. She is a mother, to a wonderful boy, his granddaughter’s first love, but she herself is alone. Carl mentioned it when he briefly told the family about Noah, that the boy had a single mom. But, what’s looking like a lucky break for him, isn’t all sunshine and rainbows for her. Apparently, everything good that he assumed happened to her over the last sixteen years, doesn’t seem to have happened.
She started to tell him that this morning. When she blew up at him on the mountainside, she’d mentioned therapy, and had started to speak about what she went through while he’d been living it up in Italy. But she stopped herself, slammed the door right in his face, and bolted it tight.
Then less than two hours later, she let him touch her. Really touch her. And God, it felt so good. But now, she lies across from him, not saying a word, yet occasionally shooting her eyes in his direction. She looks pissed. Neither one of them have their phones; they’d figured between the other adults leading the hike, and Carl’s expertise, their devices wouldn’t be needed. And Olivia said she didn’t want to chance any calls from work taking attention away from Noah, said she was going to do what she’s never done before, and that was to leave the phone behind. He’d nodded at her in admiration this morning, as he watched her walk back to her room to leave the device there.
So they sit and they wait as the storm on the other side of their makeshift shelter begins to quieten. The rain hasn’t completely abated, but the thunder has ceased. He wants to say something, anything, to get her to talk. He wants to hear her voice, has been enthralled by her honeyed timbre since the moment he heard her last night. It’s the same voice he’s always known, but somehow, it got richer, sexier. Hell, he’ll take the chance. What more could go wrong at this point?
“Are you hungry?” he asks gently. “I have a few granola bars and some trail mix here,” he says as he starts to dig through his bag.
“No, thanks. I’m fine,” she says, while lying flat on her back with her arms tucked beneath her head.
“Okay. Well, just, let me know if you change your mind.”
“Elliot, I have the same items as you do in my bag. You’re the one who double checked it, remember?”
“Yeah, of course. Just, you know, making sure.” He mimics her as he adjusts to lie on his back as well, parallel to her, being sure to keep the distance that she asked for.
The silence is heavy and he doesn’t want it to be. He knows this is difficult for her, she’s never been one to so easily let her guard down. But he wants her to know that he is here for her, whenever she is ready.
“Listen, Olivia. I just want you to know, that I am not trying to put any pressure on you. Neither one of us planned for this to happen and I know you’re wishing it didn’t happen. But I don’t regret it; not one single second of it…”
“Elliot…” she exhales.
He continues, “I don’t have any expectations, Olivia. The ball is totally in your court. If you need time and space, fine, take all that you need.”
“Elliot, please?”
“I’ll be here, Olivia. That’s all I wanted to say. Whenever you are ready, to, talk to me, or yell, or cuss me out, just, I’ll be here. I’d uh, appreciate if you didn’t hit me anymore though, you know…”
She chuckles and he watches as her chest moves and her face relaxes into a genuine smile.
He continues, “because it actually does, kind of hurt.”
She immediately turns to him in mock disbelief, “Seriously? It hurts!? Elliot, you look like you’re made of 100% steel.”
“Yeah, and your knuckles would know that too, wouldn’t they?”
She chuckles again and this time, she grabs a wad of fabric she finds near her thigh, and in jest, she throws it at his face. He laughs and as he lifts the offending item off his chin, a cheshire cat smile spreads across his face. Her jaw then drops in horror as she watches him while he stares at her and sniffs her bra. She’d been in such a rush to pull on her clothes, and so upset with herself for fucking him so fast, that she hadn’t even realized she forgot to put that back on.
“Elliot! Oh my God, give that back!” she sits bolt upright.
“Hey, you’re the one who threw it. If you didn’t want it anymore, all you had to do was say so,” he grins as he continues to gently rub it across his face.
“I mean it, Elliot. Give it here.”
“Hmmm, not yet,” he smiles.
She quickly goes up on her hands and knees and crawls toward him in an attempt to snatch it from him, but his reflexes are faster and he simply thrusts his arm straight up into the air to initiate a game of keep away.
“What, you gonna take it from me?”
“It’s mine! Give it here.”
“Are you gonna hit me again?” he asks as he continues waving his arm through the air.
“Well, I might, if you don’t give it back,” she huffs out as she attempts to raise up to reach for it, but his other arm has quickly wrapped around her body, has her pinned to his side, to stop her.”
She can’t help but laugh. “God, Elliot, what are we, teenagers? Give it to me.”
“Oh, I gave ,” his eyes darken.
She slaps his chest and snorts, “Watch it.”
“I gave a lot ” he continues, as he grips her waist a little tighter and stares up at her face.
But she’s not looking at him, not directly, but she slows down her efforts at trying to reach her garment as she feels his gaze on her. She lowers her chin to her chest, avoiding his eyes. Then, slowly, he brings his other arm back down and opens up his bra-filled palm to her. She sees it in front of her, he knows she does. But she doesn’t take it back.
“You okay?” he asks gently.
“I don’t know,” she replies.
“Olivia, talk to me. Please? You don’t, you don’t have to give me a lot of details, you don’t have to spill all of your secrets. I just, I want to know what you’re thinking. It’s a lot, I know. I messed up badly when I cut you out of my life that way. And just because I didn’t mean to hurt you, doesn’t mean that it didn’t hurt. I can see that it did.”
She remains at his side and his arm is still wrapped around her waist, but not too tightly. She’s surprised she hasn’t slid away from him by now. She takes a deep breath and then exhales, but doesn’t immediately say anything. So he continues.
“I know that I’ll have to earn your trust again. Your friendship, your loyalty, all over again. But Olivia, I’m ready. Whatever you want from me, whatever you need me to do…”
“Elliot, stop, please? I just,”
They both freeze when they hear a sudden crack outside, followed by a shout, “Dad! Dad is that you in there?”
They both jump up and Elliot goes to immediately unzip the tent.
“Richard. What the hell, what’re you doing out in this weather? And how’d you even find us?” Elliot says as he pulls his son inside and zips up again.
“We were all worried when you two didn’t make it back, and then the storm hit. Once it died down, someone had to come look for you guys. Noah was getting worried about his mom. We tried to call your phone, Liv, but Maureen said it went to voicemail.”
“Oh, yeah. I uh, actually didn’t bring it with me, for once. I left it at the house. Who knew I’d get lost, right?”
“So, you guys did get lost? You meant to come back to us, or were you trying to go back to the house?” Richard asks in confusion.
“Well, we uh, we tried, to get back to the house. But, I’d given the map to Randall and Liv and I took a few wrong turns, and then the storm came, so we uh, just hunkered down right here,” Elliot explains as Olivia simply nods her head.
Richard just looks at the two of them. For two people lost in the mountains, in the midst of a summer storm, the two of them sure do appear to be calm.
“Uh huh, well. Let me just text Maureen and let her know I’ve found you guys,” he says as he pulls out his phone.
“Okay, well, this rain should finally be stopping soon. So, once it does, you can help us get on the trail to get back to the house, and then you can go back…”
“Elliot, no,” Olivia interrupts, “we can all go back to join the group. It’ll be fine. I don’t have to go back to the house.”
“Olivia, are you sure? Because we don’t…”
“Yes, Elliot, I’m sure. This is your family’s vacation, and you should very much be a part of it. And I told my son that I’d be here for him, so that’s exactly what I’m going to do. No matter how much he, wishes I weren’t his mom.”
“Olivia, he really didn’t mean that,” Richard chimes in. “Kid’s been miserable ever since you left. We’ve all been hanging out in the large family tent, waiting out the storm and trying to keep him calm. He’s sorry he hurt you. And he was afraid that you were really lost.”
“Okay—Thanks Richard. I’m glad he had you guys,” she says.
“Oh, hey. Maureen just replied, said Noah feels so much better now and he can’t wait for you to come back to be his tent buddy.”
Olivia chuckles and there’s an awkward giddiness in the air. No one says anything for a moment. And then, "So, uh, do you guys want me to help you start packing this all up? The rain really isn’t that bad right now, so this would be the best time to start heading back, just in case it changes its mind,” Richard says.
“No, nope. We’ve got it,” Elliot quickly answers as he starts to roll up his sleeping bag. Olivia starts to do likewise.
“Guys, I really don’t mind. Besides, it’ll be faster,” he says as he bends down to start grabbing at a water bottle and what appears to be a small t-shirt, but that can’t be right, “Holy shit!” he shouts as he quickly drops the fabric and Olivia’s eyes look on in horror!
“Richard! Goddamn it! I told you we’ve got it!” Elliot shouts.
Richard panics. “Dad, I’m sorry!” He turns to Olivia, “Liv, oh my God, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean…”
Elliot unzips the tent, “Richard, just step outside, now. Give us a few minutes, please. When we’re done, you help me collapse this thing, and we’ll all be on our way.”
Richard heeds his father’s words while continuing to utter how sorry he is as he steps outside of the tent.
Elliot closes the tent and turns back to look at Olivia, bracing himself for the onslaught of vitriol that he knows is coming. But she says nothing. Instead, she’s still seated on the ground, elbows to knees, with her face in her palms.
“Olivia,” he tries as he whispers. She simply shakes her head, signaling now is not the time. She takes a few deep breaths, grabs her bra as she resumes packing her bag, then slowly stands and walks to the door.
“I’ll just, be waiting outside,” she says as she steps out.
“Okay, I’m right behind you.” He finishes packing up. When he comes out three agonizingly long minutes later, he sees the two of them are quietly standing on opposite sides of their little clearing. He sets his backpack down and Richard immediately walks over. The two men work quickly and quietly to disassemble the tent. Once it’s all packed up, he and Olivia follow Richard as they make their way back to the group.
————————
She’s in better spirits. A hug from her son usually does that, and he did, hug her that is. He was apologetic, and she saw the sincerity in his eyes, the way his body had visibly relaxed when they came into view. Richard had been right and so had Elliot. He was being a teenager, a very emotionally unstable teenager, but a teenager, nonetheless. Now though, it’s night and they are all sitting around the campfire, well the adults are. The kids are off playing games in their respective tents, open of course, because there will be none of that here.
The campfire is soothing, and for the first time in her life, she finds herself just taking in the world around her. She can’t see the stars in the city. She could if she went to the roof of the precinct, or to the roof of her building, but not like this. It’s serene, calm, and she breathes long and deep, looking up at the midnight sky. She feels him watching her, Elliot, but she hasn’t spared a glance in his direction. Richard, on the other hand, is starting to get on her last nerve. She sees now why he never followed in his father’s footsteps, became a cop, because one secret and he’s cagey. Walking around like a scared cat, jumpy, and unable to make eye contact.
He’d promised he wouldn’t say anything but if he doesn’t stop acting weird then everyone is going to know what they did, and she just can’t, with that right now. She releases a breath she didn’t realize she was holding, scans her eyes around until she spots him, standing away from the camp, setting his tent up just off from everyone else. She smiles as she stands, promising to be back in a minute, because a minute is all she needs, then she walks.
“You need to get it together,” she whispers harshly and he jumps from her sudden appearance behind him.
“Jesus. You scared the shit out of me,” he grabs his chest. “Next time, a little warning would be nice,” he whispers back, continuing to set up his tent.
“Give me something to hold while we talk. I don’t need any of your other siblings wondering what I’m doing here,” he hands her a few of the poles for his tent and she holds them tightly in her hands.
“Why do we need to talk?” he asks, not meeting her eyes.
“You know why. You keep acting like someone with PTSD, someone is going to start asking questions, and I’d prefer if no one knew –”
“Knew what? That you and my dad had sex?” he shudders.
“Will you keep your voice down,” she whispers harshly.
“Trust me, I could have gone my whole life without ever walking in on my dad’s afterglow, so it’s safe to say your secret is safe with me.”
“It shouldn’t have happened. We didn’t expect to – fuck!” she curses, shaking her head.
“You don’t have to explain Liv, seriously.” He looks just a bit green around the gills. “I don’t care that you two – you know – I just did not want to know about it. I wanted to be like every other sibling, blissfully unaware.”
“Well, be blissfully unaware without acting like someone shot at you. I just came to say you don’t have to worry about it happening again. After this trip, your father and I will be going our separate ways,” she says lowly.
“What?” He stops what he’s doing and looks at her in disbelief. “You can’t just –”
“I can. It was a mistake. A mistake made in the heat of the moment and we –”
“Please no –” he holds a hand up – “I don’t want details, I’m happy for you guys really, but I don’t need details.”
“What? You should be mad. Your mother –”
“Has found the love of her life, and I want the same for my dad. He’s found his, and yeah it was a little traumatic when I picked up the evidence at the crime scene, but this is a good thing. Maybe now he can get off this whole ‘woe is me’ train and finally be happy.”
“I don’t –”
“Relax. It’s not a bad thing Olivia. I’m pretty sure everyone would be ok with it.”
“Then why can’t you look me in the eye?”
“Because I picked up the bra you are wearing and it’s weird to know my teenage self would have been elated, but now I can’t get the image of my father –” he shudders again.
“Ok, that’s enough,” she clips. “Just, try and keep it kosher around the others, yeah?” she quickly says.
“Yeah. Right, got it” he nods, steeling himself.
___________________
The fire is dwindling down, as are the amount of people still gathered around it. She decides to call it a night, only there is one very real problem. Noah and Kira are fast asleep: fast asleep in her and Noah’s tent. So, she needs a place to sleep now.
“Looks like you, will be rooming with me,” he whispers in her ear and she jumps, fist connecting with his face before she can stop it. He’s still holding his nose when she whips around to face him.
“Shit, Olivia, not again!” he barks out a low whisper.
“You of all people should know not to sneak up on a cop!” she whispers starkly, trying not to wake her son and his girlfriend.
“I’m sorry,” he replies, doing one last check to make sure his nose isn’t broken.
“Let me see,” She breathes out sympathetically, but he waves her off.
“It’s not broken, now get your backpack and follow me unless you plan on sleeping outside with the coyotes.” She grabs her backpack, and follows him back toward the campfire, now empty as everyone begins tucking in for the night.
“I’m not sharing a tent with you. I’m kicking you out. You can sleep with Dickie,” she says defiantly.
“The hell he is.” They both turn around when Richard interjects, seemingly popping up out of nowhere. "I brought my own setup so I specifically didn’t have to share with anyone. You two can keep me out of whatever argument you are having and work out sleeping arrangements amongst yourselves.” Dickie puts out the fire and turns to walk away.
“Wait a minute, I thought you were paired up with Randall anyway?” Elliot calls out.
“Ha! Yeah, right, Dad. He brought his own, single tent,” he says as he gestures to Randall’s tent, which Elliot just realized is definitely not suited for two people.
“So wait, you lied to me? You said you weren’t pairing with me because you were with Randall,” he tries to mask his hurt, but Olivia remembers how it always pained him whenever his children rejected him.
“Technically, I didn’t lie. He and I are still right next to each other, Dad. We’re single-ling it up!” Richard smirks.
“Whatever the hell that means,” Elliot mumbles under his breath as Richard zips himself inside of his private quarters. He then turns to her, “Guess you are stuck with me,” he smirks brightly.
“Fuck off,” she says dryly, and he follows her to his tent. “Only my son would get involved with my ex-partner’s granddaughter,” she mumbles as she throws her bag inside. She quickly unties her boots, kicks them off, then unfolds her sleeping bag. She lays down without waiting for him to do the same. It’s far too hot to sleep inside it, so she opts to lay on top instead.
“Are you going to be this pleasant the whole trip?” he whispers in annoyance, spreading his own sleeping bag out.
“I’m not arguing with you tonight. Goodnight Elliot,” she whispers back harshly.
“Oh no. You aren’t just going to bed mad. You are going to talk to me.”
“I will not. I –” she points to herself – “am going to bed.” She lays on her side facing him, and closes her eyes just as he lays down. She shrieks when his hands suddenly grip her body tightly and he pulls till her body is flush with his own. Her eyes snap open; she’s dumbstruck, but she glowers at him as her hands land on his chest.
“You and I are going to get a few things straight! We had sex, Olivia. Get over yourself. In case 28 years in SVU have taught you nothing, it takes two, and last I checked, you certainly didn’t tell me to stop!” His voice is low and intense. “So, stop trying to punish me for a decision it takes two people to make. Second –”
She’s angry. Furious even, so she doesn’t even try to control her hands when they ball into fist and begin hitting his chest over and over again. “Fuck you, you overbearing, pig-headed son of a –” he grips her wrist, flips their bodies in one motion, and raises her hands high above her head. “Elliot Stabler!” How they manage to keep their voices low, they will never know but he couldn’t let her keep hitting him.
“Stop!” He whispers in her ear as she struggles. “Hitting me? That’s your answer?” She wriggles beneath him.
“If you don’t let me go, I’ll scream!” she answers back, trying and failing to get him to release her hands. Her chest touches his each time her back arches, when she tries to pull her hands free.
“You should know by now I will never take anything that a woman wouldn’t give me, Olivia, so you might as well quit fighting. I’m going to talk and you are going to listen.” He reiterates and she does give up then, huffing out a breath as he lifts just enough to make eye contact with her.
He would laugh at her if they weren’t in a really compromising position. The pout of her lips, the annoyance in her features, all scream brat. She’s defiant, but he’s determined to make her listen, even as she huffs again and gives him a pointed look. They’re nose to nose, so close his lips almost brush hers every time he speaks.
“I didn’t plan it, ok? I didn’t wake up one day and say, ‘I know, let’s get my granddaughter involved with Olivia Benson’s son. We will invite her on this big ass trip, and maybe we can get lost and fuck in the woods.’ I didn’t plan on sleeping with you at all this trip, but it happened, and you don’t see me trying to ignore you like the plague.”
“It shouldn’t have happened!” She says in a low, measured tone.
“Why’s that?” he asks. He sees the defiance in her eyes, that need to lock away all emotions, the barbed-wire fence she’s trying to erect around her heart. If there is anyone with just as much determination as her, it’s him, and so his initial plan of making her listen to him goes out the window. Actions seem to be the only thing she will respond to, so he changes tactics. Instead of speaking, he’ll seduce.
“Tell me, Olivia?” He speaks softly, making sure her eyes have no other option but to connect with his. “We are both consenting adults. We both wanted it, so why shouldn’t it have happened?” She’s breathing heavily, just slightly out of breath from her earlier struggle, but he feels it, just as he knows she does. The hardened peaks beneath her shirt are brushing against him with each breath. Her own body is betraying her. Giving away her want.
“Because.” She says it like it’s the only explanation he needs. It isn’t enough for him, though.
“Because why? Tell me,” he gently urges. She doesn’t move or turn away when his lips brush her jaw softly. She doesn’t protest when he places a few soft kisses along the slope of it, until he’s at her pout. She’s looking at him, staring, waiting, eyes half lidded from his proximity but he sees her eyes darken, even in the moonlight coming through the clear plastic panel at the roof of the tent.
“I don’t want you,” she spits out like a hurt toddler. She’s lying, she knows she is, and when he chuckles in response, she knows he knows that’s a lie.
“Really?” He moves just a fraction closer and his lips do firmly brush against hers when he speaks again, “sure ‘bout that, sweetheart?”
The anticipation is killing her. If he was going to kiss her, she wishes he would do it already. Her eyes look down. He’s right there, his lips almost resting against her own. She whines before can stop herself, it’s barely audible, one born of frustration, but when her eyes snap back to his she knows she’s been caught.
He sees it, the frustration, and he heard the whine, almost whimper, she let out. When her eyes lock with his, he sees the recognition in them, that she’s been caught. He smirks and her face quickly wears the signature Olivia Benson mask. The one that is stone faced, but only, he could tell anyone it was half-assed. She was on par with her own self in this war and he was going to be the tie breaker.
He opens his mouth slightly, nips her bottom lip with his teeth, just enough so he can suckle the plump piece of flesh between his own two lips. He doesn’t move quickly at all, instead he moves at a glacial pace, eyes still holding hers, waiting. He clocks it, when the mask falls, and the sigh of defiance turns into a sigh of relief, and submission. A sigh that says, finally, I’ve been waiting. He doesn’t smirk at that, doesn’t act snide, because he knows she will push him away then.
He moves again, releases her bottom lip, and moves his mouth slowly over her own again. She responds just as he knew she would, letting her body go lax, head relaxing against her pillow, hands no longer tense and fisted above her, but relaxed and resting instead. He eases his hold of her wrist then, no longer holding tightly, and applies just a tiny bit more pressure to their kiss, teasing her bottom lip with his tongue.
She opens her mouth for him, tongue snaking just outside her lips to meet his own. They’re still making eye contact, almost carrying a conversation with just a look. Her legs spread just enough so he can nestle between her thighs, and her foot can run softly along his calf. It’s romantic, too romantic for two people who aren’t supposed to have feelings for one another.
She tugs her hands and he releases her wrist, intending to retract his hands but she surprises him by grabbing his wrist with her hands, sliding her hands up, fingers grazing gently until she’s intertwining their fingers, and returning to the place her hands were resting before. He gives her a questioning look, furrowing his brows, and she answers by giving his hands a reassuring squeeze and closes her eyes. He fully relaxes then, rests his body fully against hers, letting her bear most of his weight but holding himself up just enough so she isn’t crushed.
She’s speaking to him, in this moment, with her eyes closed, hands gently caressing his. It’s so damn romantic he thinks his heart just might stop, but he also feels the trust. It spurs him on, gives him permission to close his own eyes and just feel. Feel how her lips caress his own, how her tongue glides against his. It’s lazy, it’s consuming, it’s everything. It’s not about sex, or proving a point, it’s about connection.
He tilts his head, and she mirrors him. She follows without preamble, letting him lead, and he doesn’t disappoint when he takes the kiss deeper. She moans softly, and he groans deep in response. He isn’t ashamed to let her know just how much she affects him, so he doesn’t try to contain the sounds leaving his mouth.
He loves her, he does, and maybe she doesn’t want to hear that, but he hopes she feels it with each pass of his tongue against her own. He doesn’t want sex tonight. He knows eventually they will have to separate, because the next time he has Olivia Benson in his arms, saying his name on the cusp of her release, she will be in his bed. He doesn’t want it like this, out here, he wants comfort, and satin sheets, where her scent will linger for days afterward.
He wants to make love to her, after they’ve talked, really talked, and he’s left her no reason to doubt just how grateful he is to have crossed paths with her again. He wants to hold her, cuddle her, and let her let her guard down. He wants her to know that sometimes even the strongest women still need a little forehead kiss sometimes, reassurance they’re not alone. It’s that thought that gives him the strength to pull away, even as she chases his lips with her own.
They separate with a soft pop, eyes fluttering open at the same time. “Why’d you stop?” she asks breathlessly.
“We need to talk,” he says quietly, watching the panic cross her features. “Not tonight, I was wrong. We don’t need to talk tonight, but soon, I want us to. I think before we do anything else we need that. I don’t want this to only be some holiday rendezvous romance. I let you go once; I don’t think I can do that a second time,” he confesses.
“What if that’s all it will ever be?” she asks in a whisper.
“Then that would have to be your choice,” he says sadly, untangling their hands and bodies. He rolls to the side, lying flat on his back. “It’s getting late. We should sleep.” He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He’s wrung out, emotionally and physically.
“El –” she doesn’t know what to say. They’d just kissed as though their lives depended on it. Like two people who had been in love their whole lives, yet words seem to leave her now. Why is this so hard?
“Liv, I think we’ve both had enough for one day. I think any conversation we have is going to be too heavy for witnesses. We covered what we needed to cover tonight; I think we can both agree what we did was consensual.” She shakes her head yes. “I for one however, think we have so much we need to discuss before we do any more of – that.”
“Ok,” she sighs.
“Night Liv.”
“Night.”