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The Kates and The Missing Christmas Special

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It was a beautiful autumn day when Kate McLennan answered the door of her magnificent Preston home. The sun streamed in through the windows, and as McLennan opened the door a ray of sunlight caught her golden hair, causing it to shimmer like the skin of a 106 year old vampire who still attends high-school to score with teenage girls.

"Look, whatever you're trying to sell I—" McLennan started, then trailed off because she was certain she recognised the young man standing in front of her. With a dazzling smile, and gender-ambiguous hair, it was none other than Justin Bieber himself. Dressed in corduroy pants and a brown leather vest, he looked like he'd just stepped out of a Steampunk vegan paleo hipster bar. Just looking at him had McLennan ebullient with indifference.

"Is that the plumber come to fix the toilet?", called Kate McCartney from the kitchen, juggling a screaming newborn on one knee and a double gin in the other. McCartney was celebrating her third hour of having given up sugar, and looked radiant; her lustrous black hair tumbling over her shoulders like a field of delicate wheat that had stayed out all night at a goth club.

It was ironic, because McCartney was allergic to gluten.

McLennan returned to the kitchen, with a wide-eyed Bieber in tow. "Look, do you remember when we agreed to do that Christmas special of The Katering Show?"

"No," said McCartney.

"Yes you do. Remember that big meeting with all the suits?"


"Yeah. The one at the ABC office? With the nice canapes and that Swedish guy who was fawning all over me?" said McLennan, pouring herself a glass of white.

"You mean the one I wasn't at, because I was in hospital hemorrhaging blood after this little one tore the shit out of my uterus?"

"That's the one! We're doing a Christmas special."

"No. We're not," said McCartney emphatically. "Who's this boy you've dragged in?"

"I'm your biggest fan!" exclaimed Bieber, eyes wide with enthusiasm. "We're doing a celebrity Christmas special... together!"

"That's right," said McLennan, rolling her eyes slightly, "our biggest fan. Can you make Justin feel at home? I need to check on my bub."

"Isn't that why you got the baby monitor?"

"Nah, I turned it off."

As McLennan swept out of the room, McCartney turned to Bieber with her best plastic smile. "So, what did you think of season 2?"

"Being outside of Australia I've been unable to watch it. I came here as soon as I landed!"

"Oh, you must be starving then. Here, let me heat you up some lasagne..."

. . .

"You're sure this is vegan?" said Bieber. "It's very... meaty."

"Yeah, it's vegan. McLennan made it herself..."