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Steph blinked slowly awake, her head heavy. Her hair was caught in her mouth and she was sweating from the heavy blanket. When she rolled over, there was someone lying next to her. She caught a glimpse of dark hair and hoped it was Cass – but it wasn’t. It was Tim, dead asleep, sprawled on his stomach and breathing very softly.
‘Go away,’ Steph said. She wriggled closer to him and rested her head against his back. His skin was very warm. ‘Go sleep in your own bed, Tim.’
Tim didn’t stir.
Steph traced a finger down an old scar on his shoulder blade. ‘You need a haircut,’ she murmured, speaking softer. One of Tim’s scabbed knuckles had bled onto her pillow in the night. She yawned and sat up on her elbows, glancing at the various pieces of his Red Robin costume strewn across the floor – which made her wince, now, looking back. It was no good for either of them to keep hooking up like this.
At least Tim never tried to initiate anything anymore, which was a relief, but it also meant that it was Steph’s own fault whenever they got together. But then maybe it was still partly a shared responsibility – because she knew he wanted it, because he was so willing to drop everything as soon as she said, Go on then, Robin. Come here. She liked calling him Robin. And she liked the way that even though he certainly knew what he was doing – no lack of experience there – as soon as she kissed him he was fifteen again, uncertain and a little clumsy, tripping over himself in his eagerness to please.
But right now she still wanted him out of the bed. She wanted him out of the house for a few hours; she wanted Cass to make black market coffee for the two of them and she wanted them to watch the news together. Or rather, Steph would watch the news and Cass would watch Steph. Steph loved the way that Cass stared at her. There was something hungry in it, something delightfully unashamed.
Tim did it too, of course. Tim was an outdoors dog who wanted to be let in the house but knew it wasn’t worth asking. Often Steph felt like she was being cruel to him whatever she did.
‘Sometimes I feel really sorry for you,’ she’d told him last week. ‘You get me all sad.’
‘I feel fairly sorry for myself most of the time,’ he’d admitted, taking a drag of his cigarette and coughing. ‘Jesus. If anyone’s got a right to be miserable, it’s me.’
He’d said it in his usual sarcastic way but they both knew it was close to the truth.
Now she was leaning close to him and saying, ‘Tim. Wake up,’ and he was still fast asleep. ‘Vinnie,’ she tried, for old times’ sake. ‘Alvin. Drake. Robin.’ She shook his shoulder. ‘Bastard. Don’t make me say it.’ His hair was sticking up at the sides. ‘Okay, fine. Fine. Red Robin.’
He was awake. He rolled over onto his back and rubbed his face and groaned.
‘Duty calls,’ Steph said.
‘Jesus,’ he said, his voice rough, ‘thought I was…’ He blinked, meeting her eyes. ‘Sorry, Steph, I didn’t mean to fall asleep, what time is it?’
‘The morning.’
‘Jesus,’ he repeated, slowly sitting up.
‘You look fucked,’ she said, half-smiling. ‘Tired?’
‘A bit. Is – Is Cass here? If she’s around then I’d like to ask her about this case…’ He still looked lost and confused. ‘Seriously, what time is it?’
‘Time you got a watch.’ Steph gave him a gentle push and he reluctantly slid off the bed and stood up, stumbling slightly as he picked up his costume trousers from the floor and started to pull them on.
‘You seen my boots?’ he asked, glancing around.
‘Under my hoodie.’ Steph pointed. ‘And don’t talk to Cass on your way out. Be quiet. You’re not meant to be here.’
‘Can I get you anything from town?’ He was sitting on the floor, pulling his boots on.
‘We’re okay,’ Steph said, watching him from the bed. ‘Can you toss me that sports bra? By your foot.’
He picked it up and lobbed it in Steph’s direction.
‘See you later, then.’ Steph was crawling under the covers again.
‘Sorry,’ he said, awkwardly. ‘Sorry again. About that.’
‘If you’re coming back later, bring Cass something to eat, will you?’
‘Cass is here, isn’t she? Can I not just have some breakfast while I’m here?’
‘Hometime,’ she said, waving him off. ‘Rules are rules, Robin.’
He nearly smiled at the name.
Once he was gone, Steph slept for another hour, until the light streaming through the blinds was too bright for her to fall back asleep. She put on a hoodie and wandered into the living area of the flat. Cass had her yoga mat out in front of the TV, stretching like a cat.
‘I accidentally had Tim round again last night,’ Steph said, throwing herself onto the sofa behind Cass.
Cass paused her stretches. ‘I know. I’m not deaf.’ She gave Steph a faint smile.
‘I hope he’s still alive,’ Steph said. ‘He was stumbling off in a total daze. It’s nice to see him catch up on sleep but I wish he’d do it not in my bed.’
‘You don’t have to kick him out every time,’ Cass said, gently. ‘ I don’t mind.’
Steph shook her head. ‘It’s because… Him staying over and sleeping in my bed is boyfriend-girlfriend stuff. And we’re not doing that. I told him we’re not going to do any of that if we’re not dating.’
‘It’s good to have a boundary,’ Cass said.
‘Yeah, that’s what I’m–’
Cass grinned. ‘But you are meant to stick to the boundary, in that case.’
‘Maybe I was a little bit mean to him.’ Steph stood up and headed over to the kitchenette, opening the fridge. ‘He managed to not even mention Conner the whole time. That’s a step in the right direction. But the only thing is – I’m worried he’s going to start stressing out again about me getting pregnant. I mean, there’s no way I’m pregnant – but d’you remember when he was so worked up about it a few months ago?’
‘He was stressed,’ Cass said. ‘It… amplifies the other things. When he’s stressed he’s stressed about everything. He knows it’s not rational.’
‘He has such a complex about babies.’ Steph found a carton of orange juice and poured herself a glass. ‘He doesn’t even need to worry so much about it… I mean, I’m not saying I want to have a baby, especially not in the dome, but I’m not fifteen anymore. We’d be fine. I think… Look, Cassie, don’t ever tell him I said this, but I think he’d be fine at looking after a kid. He’s just all scared about being a father. The entire concept of fathers is scary to him.’
‘Too much Batman,’ Cass agreed. ‘But did you have a nice time?’
Steph nodded. ‘I don’t know what it is about him,’ she said. ‘Nine times out of ten he’s just some guy who hangs out at our house – I hardly even notice he’s a guy . But then sometimes he’s the hottest thing ever and I just want to rip his clothes off. And then what’s hot about that is that he always seems to be in the mood for it whenever I decide I want it. I really don’t know how he does it. If I was as depressed as he is, my sex drive would be fucking zero.’
Cass finished her stretches and came over to stand next to Steph, at the kitchen counter. ‘He’s not too depressed this week,’ she said, pragmatically.
‘Don’t start defending him. I mean it.’
Cass pouted in apology.
‘I guess maybe this week he’s been okay,’ Steph admitted, offering Cass a sip of the orange juice. ‘But there was – The thing where he cried at the TV, that was this week. The guy didn’t look anything like Conner. And what am I meant to do, anyway? What does a friend do? What does a girlfriend do? He’s off in his own world and if I give him a hug then I have to specify that it’s a hug as friends. It gives me a headache. Maybe we really should just break the whole thing off.’
‘You think about it more than he does.’
‘I do not ! He’s… Oh, fuck, Cass, I just don’t know. The problem with him is that I don't know. Maybe he just doesn’t think about anything. Ever.’
‘Maybe it doesn’t have to be labelled,’ Cass said, finding a half-eaten bag of crisps on the kitchen counter and offering the packet to Steph. ‘Maybe you can say. Not girlfriend and boyfriend. Not friend and friend. Just something else.’
Steph shook her head. ‘Because he gets away with murder in these unlabelled relationships. You know – I don’t know how we’re ever going to verify whether half of the stuff we heard about Tim and Conner was true, but Cassie Sandsmark told me once that in theory they’d been basically-together for about two years before they actually asked the other one if they were also gay. It’d drive me nuts. I need to know where I stand with someone.’
She took a crisp from Cass and crunched it. Salt and vinegar. ‘Maybe you can be my girlfriend,’ she told Cass, ‘and we can hold hands and Tim can just be our friend-guy who we don’t even have sex with. Sound good? Girlfriend?’
‘Don’t start labelling me ,’ Cass said, grinning and ducking back from Steph.
‘I don’t believe it. You’re as bad as he is. You Bats .’
‘Do you still have a crush on me?’ she’d asked Tim, a few months into the dome. She was trying to keep the conversation light, trying to make it sound like it wasn’t too serious.
Tim was lying on his back, staring at the ceiling. ‘I’m never going to see him again.’
‘I’m not talking about him ,’ she said, ‘I’m talking about us. You and me.’
‘If he was here, I’d be with him. I wouldn’t be here in this room with you.’
‘You like him. We’ve maybe established that.’
‘I love him,’ he mumbled. ‘Forever. I don’t think you’re ever going to be able to comprehend how much this fucking sucks for me.’
‘Tim, baby, I’m just trying to be pragmatic here. It’s been nearly three months already. You’re going to have to move past it at some point. And now you’re doing whatever you’re doing with me – which I want to talk about what that actually is .’
‘It doesn’t have to be anything.’ His voice was still flat and mumbled.
She rolled closer to him, putting her head on his chest and her arm loosely round his waist. ‘So is that you saying you don’t want it to be anything?’
‘I dunno.’
‘Next up,’ she said, her mouth on his skin, ‘it’d be nice if you asked me what I want.’
He managed a smile. ‘What do you want, Steph?’
‘What I think–’ She paused because he’d reached his hand up like he was going to touch her hair, but he didn’t go through with it. ‘What I think is that you are hot. But the Batman and Robin thing is – I mean, we’re never going to get past that, are we? You don’t like me like you liked me the first time round because I’m not Batgirl or Robin or Spoiler.’
‘Mostly I’m glad you’re not a vigilante anymore.’
‘I know,’ she said, sighing, ‘but it’s a different part of you that’s glad, isn’t it? You’re happy I’m not a vigilante because it means you don’t have to worry about me – but you also feel like we don’t understand each other any more. You resent me because I got out and you resent me even more because I didn’t have that loyalty to Batman the same as you do.’
He yawned. ‘I definitely still worry about you.’
‘But we’re not like how we were,’ she said. ‘Tim – What I’m saying is that I don’t think we should date again. I don’t think that’s going to work.’
‘Oh,’ he said. ‘Yeah, no, I didn’t really think that was on the radar.’
‘Oh,’ she said, and then suddenly they were both laughing.
‘Where the fuck would I take you on a date,’ he said, ‘where would we go – in the fucking dome – I mean I’d want you to wear a stab vest if I took you out to get pizza–’
‘Stop,’ she said, punching him lightly on the shoulder, ‘we – I meant like boyfriend girlfriend dating, not you taking me out for the night – I mean all you do at night is go on patrol! While I’m in here watching Scrubs on my fucking DVD box set!’
‘I hate Scrubs.’ He was still smiling.
‘I so don’t give a shit what you think about my TV choices.’
‘Accepted,’ he said.
‘So I don’t think we should date,’ she said. ‘But we can… I don’t know. I need to think about what we should do. I’ll get back to you.’
‘I thought that was what this conversation was,’ he said. ‘You breaking up with me. Even if we’re not dating. Which I didn’t think we were.’
‘That’s a good idea. I should go out with you just so I can break up with you straight away. I think I would find that really cathartic.’ She paused. ‘But anyway, since you brought it up – what are your feelings related to the idea of me breaking up with you, even if we’re not even dating which you didn’t think we were?’
‘You’re like a bloody therapist,’ he said. ‘I thought we didn’t have to do this sort of conversation if we weren’t dating.’
‘It’s the Steph rules,’ she said. ‘The Steph and Tim rules. You have to tell me all of your feelings until you get good at it. Because right now you are terrible.’
‘Okay,’ he said, frowning, ‘Jesus – okay, I think… I think you don’t want me to talk about it because you don’t like it when I talk about Conner.’
‘It’s funny that you’ve noticed that,’ she said, ‘because it doesn’t exactly stop you talking about Conner, does it?’
He shook his head. ‘I think about him,’ he said, solemnly. Steph thought he was moving his hand towards her hair again, but this time he was reaching over to grab his half-empty box of cigarettes from the bedside table.
‘Do not start smoking those in here,’ she said.
Oblivious, he took one out of the box and put it in his mouth, then picked up his lighter and glanced over at her. ‘Huh? D’you say something?’
‘I said don’t start smoking those in here,’ she said.
He took the cigarette out of his mouth and didn’t seem to know what to do with it, holding it in his hand and staring at it. She took it off him and put it back on the bedside table, pushing him back down onto the bed and resting her head on his chest.
‘You talk a lot about him,’ she said, ‘but you don’t really say anything. Or you say the same thing every time.’
‘Because I don’t know what to say about it.’ He sighed. ‘Or I don’t know what to say to you about it. I don’t know what me and him are anymore.’
‘Okay,’ she pushed, ‘that’s good, carry on.’
‘Because I’m never going to see him again,’ he said, abruptly. ‘That’s it. I’m in the fucking dome and he isn’t. He’s somewhere else.’
She traced her fingers gently over his jawline, feeling the light stubble. ‘So you’re right, and I know I’ve said this before, but I’m really sorry about the whole thing.’
He still didn’t look happy. ‘Appreciate the sympathy.’
‘But,’ she pressed, ‘I’m really not keen on your whole guilt complex about sleeping with me. It makes me feel weird. If you really feel that guilty then maybe you just shouldn’t do it.’
‘I know,’ he said. ‘I’m a fucking hypocrite.’ His mouth was tight. ‘Y’know, Steph, the problem is that I have no idea what he’s up to – I just don’t know what we’re meant to do. I don’t know where it leaves us. Maybe what we’re supposed to do is that we’re both supposed to move on, but I think that if I found out he was sleeping with his ex I’d probably just throw myself into moving traffic.’
‘You boys can’t go a month without it,’ she said, ‘that much is obvious, Timmy.’
‘He’s had a lot of other girlfriends,’ Steph said, staring out at the TV. Cass was hovering round the kitchen, looking for something to eat. ‘Cass? Will you come and sit with me? I’m trying to talk to you about Tim.’
Cass padded over and sat on the sofa next to Steph, nestling her head into Steph’s shoulder. ‘Listening,’ she said.
‘I just wonder,’ Steph said, ‘if it was one of his other ex girlfriends that he was trapped in here with, do you think he’d still be doing this?’
‘The sleeping-together, or that you still love each other kind-of?’
‘We are not in love with each other,’ Steph said.
Cass frowns. ‘You – love each other.’
‘I guess,’ Steph said, sighing. ‘I… He’s still sixteen to me. Does that make sense? Maybe it’s a bad thing. Because when I’m around him I just think about the past. It makes me wish…’ She sighed.
Cass’s head was still nestled into Steph’s shoulder. ‘Still listening,’ she said.
‘I’ll tell you something,’ Steph said, ‘and you promise not to laugh at me, okay? You won’t think I’m silly?’
‘I don’t think you’re silly,’ Cass said.
‘ This is silly. It’s like… It’s this stupid fantasy I have. You know how I was Robin, and I didn’t get on with Batman – I didn’t trust him like Tim does – and I mean, maybe Batman never gave me a chance , he didn’t want me to be a good Robin – or maybe that’s just me trying to make an excuse, because I was bad at it. I know I was.’
She trailed off, staring across the small room.
‘You’re right,’ Cass said, into the silence. ‘He didn’t give you a chance. He wanted Tim. He didn’t want you. It wasn’t right.’
‘I know,’ Steph said, feeling suddenly tearful, ‘but – in this fantasy I’m Robin and I stay Robin. And I do better and I make Batman proud of me. And instead of me getting fired and Tim being Robin again – I stay Robin. He doesn’t go back. He stays at home with his dad and – and he hates me, don’t get me wrong, if it happened like that he would hate me – but he’d be safe.’
‘Safe,’ Cass echoed. ‘Maybe.’
‘I just think about it – everything that happened after he became Robin again. All of the shit he’s been through. He quit, Cass, when I was Robin. He chose to quit. And then he went back and he must’ve known he was never going to get out again. It just – It kills me. I think about it all the time.’
‘Doesn’t mean you had to take his place,’ Cass said, softly.
‘If it had been different,’ Steph said. ‘Don’t you think about it?’
‘I forget the word,’ Cass said, and fell silent for a while. ‘He… digs his own grave. Is that what you say?’
‘Jeez,’ Steph said, nestling closer to Cass, ‘that’s morbid, you know, that’s really morbid. I don’t like thinking about him like that.’
‘I understand him,’ Cass said. ‘He feels… He has nothing to lose. Especially here. In the dome. That’s why he gets so crazy.’
‘I do love him,’ Steph said. ‘I love both of you, okay? I love him like a – I don’t know what. I love you, Cassie. I love you just how you are.’
She put her arms around Cass. Cass always gave tight hugs, gripping onto the fabric of Steph’s hoodie, and Steph pressed her face into Cass’s shoulder and breathed in the smell of Cass’s hair – dark hair, soft, like Tim’s. Cass gave Steph a gentle kiss on the mouth and Steph leaned into it, and then they were both rolling into each other on the sofa and Steph had mostly forgotten what they were talking about.
‘I love how I don’t have to worry about you,’ Steph said, into Cass’s ear. ‘I love you and I worry about him . And because I don’t waste all my time worrying about you – I have space. For all the other things I feel about you.’
‘He’s never going to grow out of it,’ Cass said, her mouth warm against Steph’s neck. ‘He’s always going to be part Robin. You know, don’t you?’
‘Do you hate me talking about him?’ Steph whispered.
‘I like the way you care about him.’ Cass’s voice was very soft. ‘I like Tim. I don’t like seeing him hurt. And the way you treat him, it shows me… You’re not cruel. I knew a lot of people who were cruel.’
Steph said, ‘I love you,’ and said it again and again.
And to see Tim and Cass side by side made Steph feel something – because they’d looked alike, especially when they were younger, and even now Steph could see the similarity. They’d both been scrawny and hungry, dark eyes and dark hair, a flash of teeth. Now they’d both put on weight, which filled out Tim’s shoulders and Cass’s hips, and Tim was head and shoulders taller than Cass and they’d both lived past their life expectancy. When they moved in the city they did it without speaking, their leather-gloved fists driving into faces and ribs with drum-machine consistency, a kind of synchronicity where they moved almost as one person. And Steph wasn’t a part of it anymore and Steph was glad.
‘I feel so greedy,’ she’d said to Cass, early on in the dome. Steph and Cass were living together; Tim was out in the city somewhere crashing stolen cars and bleeding from his mouth and knuckles. Steph could sometimes entice him home with the promise of food and a warm bed, like a stray cat. ‘I want both of you. I want to keep you here with me.’
‘I know you do,’ Cass said. ‘I know he’s got… He has things you can’t get from me.’
‘A dick,’ Steph said, and they both laughed at that.
‘I don’t mind,’ Cass said, tentatively. ‘I don’t think he minds either. He’s half in love with…’ she didn’t say Conner , ‘but he loves you too. I don’t think he needs you all of the time. And you don’t want him all of the time. Is it right?’
Steph nodded, looking down at her own hands. ‘When he settles down a bit,’ she said, ‘when he’s less… manic. Then maybe – maybe we can all be together and it’ll work.’
It wasn’t fair to act like he was the only one affected. The dome made everyone worse. Cass was restless, stalking round the flat, threatening to eat Steph’s pet hamsters sometimes when she was in a bad mood.
‘I miss coffee,’ Steph always said.
Cass said, ‘I miss meat. I’m not eating enough. My brain doesn’t – have enough.’
There was the black market, and Tim knew how to traverse it, but that was a risk. A month in, Steph had pooled her money – even got Cass to chip in, although Cass’s sources of money were always mysterious – and sent Tim down to the black market to stock up. She’d been worried that everything would sell out – that after the first few weeks, all the coffee and soap and home goods would be gone, stockpiled. She’d been worried over nothing – the dome economy wasn’t as bad as it initially seemed – but sending Tim had been a mistake.
He didn’t come home for a week.
‘I don’t understand,’ Steph had told Dick – tearful, scared. ‘I thought he knew what he was doing. Do you think – Did they beat him up? Took the money off him? I thought he would’ve known how to get in and get out–’
Dick, grey-faced, said, ‘How much did you give him?’
Steph shook her head. ‘A few hundred. I don’t know.’
‘The money’s gone. You know that, don’t you?’
‘I just wanted him to get some coffee. That sort of thing.’
Dick hadn’t said the word naive but Steph felt it.
How long ago was that now? Eight months? Almost a year? Tim came back, and he was sorry, and things kept going.
In the afternoon Cass watched television with Steph, curled together with Cass’s head in Steph’s lap. Steph ran her fingers through the dark hair. Before the dome, any stillness in Cass had always been watchful, cautious, poised to pounce, but now it seemed like the tension was slowly working its way out of Cass’s shoulders.
A knock on the door. Steph thought it might be Tim – but she could hear the unique creaking sound in the hallway that was only from Babs’ wheels.
Babs came inside. There was a paper bag in her lap, which she passed to Steph.
‘Coffee,’ she said, ‘for you and Cass.’
Her fond, distant eyes didn’t leave Cass’s dark head.
Babs struggled. Steph knew that. Babs said things like living in a fish tank, forever. Steph had said something stupid about people learning to adapt, once, and Babs had said How much more in my life will I have to get used to? Steph was sorry.
Babs went over to Cass, and Cass looked at her in silent welcome.
‘Dick’s coming,’ Babs said. ‘He told me he’d meet me here.’
Steph saw the way that the dome had intertwined Dick and Babs, maybe more than ever before. She wasn’t sure she could have that with just one person.
She felt Cass’s eyes on her, said, ‘And have you seen Tim?’
‘He’s around,’ Babs said, which meant, he’s fine.
Not long before Dick’s light footsteps in the hallway, the door opening. Dick looked good, tall and slim in blue jeans and a canvas coat that was snug in the shoulders. His hair was getting long again.
‘Here’s a friend,’ he said, and stepped aside – behind him was Tim, looking scruffy but in a nicer shirt, hands in pockets, smiling bashfully. Dick went across the room and kissed Babs lightly on the forehead, and Tim went towards Steph.
‘Surprise,’ he said.
‘I heard you tiptoeing on the stairs,’ she lied. Behind her, Dick and Babs were talking quietly, heads close together.
‘I brought gifts,’ Tim said, and sat down on the sofa in between Cass and Steph. He brought out a crushed paracetamol box from his pocket, and opened it to reveal a pair of stubby spliffs. ‘Want to sit out on the roof?’
‘No,’ Steph said. She put one arm around Cass’s shoulders and the other around Tim’s. Tim lit the spliff and took a quick puff then put it in Steph’s mouth, his rough fingertips grazing against Steph’s lips. Cass put her mouth against Steph’s neck as Steph inhaled.
At times like this, Steph could convince herself that the dome was not a fish tank, but actually some kind of beautiful snow-globe diorama, in between two people who loved her.