Chapter Text
She only had herself to blame, she realised, as her gaze traced Bobby’s features, his smile directed at Elizabeth. A smile he had given to her on many occasions, memorable occasions, like when he had wrecked her body after hours of lovemaking or when he had made her favourite dish and watched her eyes light up in admiration.
He had been hers. Completely.
And she had tossed him aside.
She should have listened to Michael, all those months ago, when he was encouraging her to just be happy. Bobby had made her happy. Happier than she had been in decades and if she was truly honest, and if she took off the rose tinted glasses through which she had always viewed her relationship with Emmett, happier than she had been in her entire life.
She’d wrecked it. In her fear of being hurt, in her fear of another failed relationship, she had ran from Bobby and any possibility of a future with him.
And now his future was with someone else.
She turned away from the scene in front of her. Scared that her devastation was written across her face. He didn’t deserve that. Elizabeth certainly didn’t. The sweet, kind, beautiful nurse who was everything Athena wasn’t.
Who had obviously become everything to Bobby.
She wondered what she was to Bobby now. A friend? They had tried to be, but it wasn’t the same. Was she a regret? Maybe in those first few months. But not now. Now he had moved on and she should move on too.
But she was stuck, mired in her own regrets and misery with no conceivable way out.
Feeling overwhelmed she tried to surreptitiously move away from the Christmas festivities the Wilson’s were hosting and out to the back yard. Trying to catch her breath from the sob threatening to find its way out.
She wondered how she could make her excuses to leave. Her kids were here, her ex and his partner were here. A migraine. Michael wouldn’t even question it, neither would Hen, nor Bobby for that matter.
She could disappear home and spend the rest of Christmas Day under her duvet, shutting out the world and her self-inflicted heartbreak.
“You okay?” Bobby’s voice said from behind her.
She closed her eyes in defeat, her back to him. Of course he would be the one to find her in her moment of weakness.
Would this be yet another moment she would regret?
-9-1-1-
She’d sat outside the firehouse earlier that day, willing herself to go in to apologise, make it clear to his crew he was hers and she was his.
Her hand had reached to open her cruiser on multiple occasions but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. It had told her something. She wasn’t ready for this. She loved Bobby. Cared for him. Wanted him. But she wasn’t ready for him and it wasn’t fair. He’d been through so much, the last thing he needed was someone who didn’t know what she wanted and who would mess him around. That wasn’t her. She wasn’t that girl. He deserved her honesty.
When she found herself reaching up to knock on his door, she remembered herself from a few days previously, Thai food in hand waiting to knock with a smile, with excitement at another evening with her man. The juxtaposition to her now was overwhelming. Her stomach was doing flip flops for entirely different reasons.
She was going to hurt him.
And she didn’t feel good about any of it.
The defensiveness she had showed to Bobby during their argument, the remnants she had shown to Michael, were gone. And all that was left was her, defeated, guilt stricken and sad.
Bobby opened the door, and she realised that the defensiveness that had left her had travelled into him. She could see the anger, and the hurt still simmering. She wanted to ease his pain, was overwhelmed by the need to soothe him.
He stepped back to let her in wordlessly, stuffing his hands in his pockets as she closed the door behind her.
“I’m sorry,” she said and he raised his eyebrows.
“I was out of line the other night and I hurt you. If I am ashamed of anything, it’s of myself. Not you. Never you,” she said, her voice shaking and his look of hurt turned to concern.
“Athena…” he began but she held up a hand.
“You were right, you shouldn’t have to be satisfied with stolen kisses and take out containers. You deserve more,” she said in a rush, “You deserve more than me.”
His face fell and he shook his head, comprehending what she was here to do, “Athena, please, we just need to talk about it.”
She took a step back as he reached for her, “This last four months have been heaven Bobby. I didn’t lie to you when I told you that I loved you. I did. I do. But I’m not ready for this. And that’s not fair to you.”
“I’m not asking for your hand in marriage Athena, we can take this as slow as you want,” he said reasonably.
“I know. But I’m not ready. I’m still healing. While you’re ready to go out in the world, I find I have the need to hide a bit longer.”
“I’ll wait,” he said with conviction and her heart broke.
“I don’t want you too, I want you to live your life, free from a woman who can’t love you like you deserve.”
He must have seen it in her face, her determination that her mind was made up because he stepped back and took a breath.
“Okay,” he said quietly.
“Okay?” she queried.
“We said we’d give this a go but if it didn’t work for either of us, we’d be honest and let go before either of us got hurt,” he said.
“I have hurt you though Bobby, and I am sorry for that,” she said in a whisper.
“I forgive you,” he said with a sad smile, “Having you in my life, in whatever way that looks like means more to me than anything else.”
She nodded, they’d agreed when they started dating that their friendship would always come first.
“These months with you Athena, they did teach me to start living again. I do thank you for that,” he said, his voice full of emotion and Athena couldn’t tear her eyes away from him. She felt her resolve start to break, it wouldn’t take much, a few steps and she’d be in his arms. All would be forgiven she knew. But she couldn’t, it wouldn’t be fair to this wonderful, gentle man.
She finally nodded, breaking the eye contact and turning to open the door. Before she walked through she stopped, “I do love you Bobby Nash, I think I always will,” and with that she walked out the door.
-9-1-1-
It took her a few weeks to go back to the firehouse, queries from Hen went either unanswered or brushed aside with excuses.
They’d seen each other, obviously, she was not that lucky to have a reprieve from seeing the man she had dumped and her ratio of bumping in to the 118 on calls seemed to increase along with her level of heartbreak.
Bobby had been professional and friendly, like he always had been and she had tried to do the same. It had been exhausting. Hen knew her well enough to know that something was up and tried to probe, but she had blamed the divorce and single parenthood for her morose air.
The irony was her and Michael were co-parenting beautifully. And the kids were so much happier.
It was only Athena that was miserable.
Athena, who had brought it all upon herself.
It was a text from Bobby that had finally broken the deadlock.
Hen’s starting to ask questions. You did promise we’d still be friends. Lasagne for pasta Thursday.
And so she went.
It had been a warm welcome, Bobby smiling as if there had never been anything between them apart from being professional comrades. Hen with a hug, Chimney with a cheer and even Buck gave her a surprised but delightful smile while he introduced her properly to the new probie, Eddie.
Once the initial awkwardness had been overcome, she’d relaxed into the familiar banter. She got the lowdown on the 118’s heroics during the earthquake, while she spoke about her own experiences. There had been a moment of wistfulness as she’d caught Bobby’s eye. She’d been worried about him all shift that fateful day, finally giving in on her urge to check in on him after putting Harry to bed. They’d shared ‘home safe’ messages and that had been that. Athena had gone to bed that night with a heart full of love for her kids and her ex husband along with gratefulness that everyone she loved was safe. But there was still a great big gaping hole where Bobby’s absence from her life had settled.
After dinner had finished, Athena had offered to help clean up, the rest of the 118 moving away from the kitchen, leaving Athena alone with Bobby for the first time since she’d broken up with him. Their hands meeting as she handed him a dish and it took her a moment to regain her equilibrium. Thankfully for Athena, Bobby, ever dependable Bobby, was her saviour.
“I heard a promotion was on the cards,” Bobby began nonchalantly, as if Athena wasn’t standing there frozen in tension.
“Word gets around fast,” Athena replied sending a glare to Henrietta that her friend ignored pretending to be focused on Buck’s computer game.
Bobby laughed lightly as he motioned for the next plate and she gave it to him with a roll of her eyes.
“You figured out how to tell Elaine you’re turning it down?”
“How do you know I’m turning it down, everyone else has already assumed I’m taking it? I’d be crazy not to.”
Bobby shrugged, “I don’t think it’s crazy to be happy with what you have. To feel satisfied it’s enough. Is it enough?”
She pondered for a moment, “I like being out there, seeing what’s really going on in the world, doing my job, helping where I can. Do you know what I mean?”
Bobby smiled at her, “Hey you’re talking to the guy who became a firefighter because I didn’t want to be behind a desk. Here with my team, in the engine, in this firehouse is where I want to be for as long as they’ll let me.”
“There’s nothing wrong with that,” she said with a smile.
“No there’s not,” he replied meaningfully, and she held his gaze for a moment. God, she missed him. Missed these moments. With this man who understood her like no other. It was Bobby she wanted to speak to when Elaine had first mentioned the promotion. Bobby who she knew would understand how she was feeling when no one else seemed to. Even Hen couldn’t understand why she was hesitating over it.
She opened her mouth to say something, anything but fate was not on their side and before she knew it her radio had chirped and she was off on another call. Every step taking her from where she wanted to be.
She turned down the promotion the next day. Bobby’s voice in her ear. She shot off a quick text to him.
Still a Sergeant. Thanks for listening.
It had taken a while for one to come back and when it did it was short and to the point.
Anytime.
She tried not to feel a little stung he hadn’t said more or continued their conversation. He was probably busy. On shift. At home. Out with friends.
Out with special friends.
She frowned at the thought. The intrusive thought that one day she would get that fateful information that Bobby was dating someone else.
She was a damn fool.
-9-1-1-
It was only a couple weeks later when she found herself at Bobby’s door again. Debating whether to knock. It really wasn’t her place but the look on his face as he had stood on that ledge had frightened her. She knew he’d been high on LSD but he seemed totally ready to jump off to join his dead family. It had scared the shit out of her.
She’d stayed and helped Chimney as the 118 had detoxed, had seen the look on Bobby’s face during his comedown and his realisation that his sobriety had been forcibly broken and that had kept her awake all night. She’d tried to distract herself the following day with chores until she gave up and drove to Bobby’s apartment to check on him. She could have sent him a text but given he’d become monosyllabic over text recently, she suspected she wouldn’t get much out of him.
He opened the door, his eyes widening as he did so, “Athena? What are you doing here?”
She suddenly felt like an idiot, “How was the chief?” she managed to ground out.
He shrugged as he motioned for her to come in, “Better than expected given a whole bunch of firefighters were dosed with LSD.”
“It was the brownies?”
“It was the brownies,” he said with a sigh as he scrubbed a hand over his face, “A prank.”
“Yeah because dosing a bunch of firefighters is funny, I don’t get the punchline,” Athena said, her anger at what had been done to him simmering.
“It gets better, I’m waiting for Taylor’s special report to come out, ‘Captain breaks sobriety at News at Eleven,” he said bitterly.
“You didn’t break your sobriety Bobby, you were pushed,” she said gently. “And the camera doesn’t lie, they’ll see what we all see. A good man, who has had some tough times, and still goes out there to risk everything to help others. They’ll see what I- what we all see. A hero.”
“Athena, I’m an alcoholic and drug addict with barely a day’s sobriety under my belt, I don’t feel like a hero, I feel like a failure.”
“You were pushed off of that wagon, Bobby,” Athena reasoned.
“That’s not why I feel a failure. I feel like a failure because I want to get high again. It felt good, it made me feel free…it…” he broke off, “You don’t need to hear this.”
“I want to. I’m still your friend Bobby, I’m here,” she said, tears swimming in her eyes.
“I just don’t know how long I can keep carrying this pain,” Bobby admitted.
“You don’t have to keep carrying it alone. We’re all here. All of us,” she said with feeling and Bobby nodded. She was desperate to reach out to him but kept her hands to herself. He had enough to deal with without her mixed messages. She could be his friend and sit with him as he faced his demons. It was the least she could do.
She distracted him with talk of May’s homecoming, before realising she may have put her foot in it given it had been Brooke’s birthday the day before but Bobby seemed genuinely interested. She nearly invited him to come and see the festivities for himself before stopping. Maybe a step too far.
He’d thanked her though for coming to check on him, sending her home to her kids with freshly baked apple pie and she felt lighter than she had in days. She’d smiled in relief when he’d texted her the next day to tell her that he and Chimney had found the source of the dosed brownies, and tried not to feel disappointed he hadn’t reached out to her with his suspicions.
And when she saw him on her television, the blink and you’ll miss it clip, she’d felt pride and so much love for this strong, beautiful man, who had her in awe each day at his strength and fortitude.
“Isn’t that Hen’s Captain?” Michael had asked, a knowing look on his face.
She could barely nod and he took her hand, “Seems like a good guy.”
“Yeah. He is,” she said, her voice breaking and he pulled her to him in a hug.
“Athena,” Michael began, his voice serious.
“I know. I just don’t know how to fix it,” she whispered against her ex husband’s chest.
“Do it soon,” he said, an element of warning in his voice.
And he’d been right.
If only she’d listened.