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In your head, you can sound however you want. You control your thoughts, even if they're hazy. You can organize them. You're the master. Through all the damage, all the haze, all the frustration, my thoughts are still mine. I wish I could share that with people...
Actually...
I wish i could believe that completely. The difference between what I think, and what comes out is so extreme.
Even now i'm standing here listening to Kankri rant at me about how i'm a bad example, and...
Please Kankri. I'm doing the best I can. I can't control my limbs, this is the best I can do.
On good days I can walk a straight line, or grind on a rail. Good days have me saying strings of almost coherent words to my moirail and matesprit--though I think She's still with me out of simple pity.
I know you're jealous. I know you want her, but she's so nice to me. She and Kurloz...
Ok Meenah has always treated me like I'm normal, even when she can't understand me, and I like that, even with what her Alternian self did to mine. I still appreciate the equal treatment, pretending she can understand me.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I can't be what you want me to. I'm sorry i'm not fixed, or working a way you'd expect.
We were best friends once, weren't we? You laughed with me, at my jokes. You were damaged and I never judged you. Never said one word...
'I wouldn't want to change you, but--'
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry Kankri.
I failed us all. I tried to save you, save us, everyone, and instead I ruined myself. I broke myself irreparably. I'm so sorry.
I know you hate me. I took her from you. Took the possibility away.
You're not the only one who noticed when she made mistakes, forgetting she was damaged too. I found her endearing. I found her little quirks raising pity in me in such a way as I couldn't escape.
I'm damaged now. Too damaged to be a proper mate, but she won't leave, even when I tell her to, or yell at her.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry you see my damage and hate it. I'm sorry you have to see this. I'm sorry I can't form the words to talk to you like you want me to, like Cronus wants, like EVERYONE wants.
I seem to be only good enough for Kurloz. My hands shake when i try to sign to him, but he doesn't seem to care. He shakes his head and holds up a hand to tell me to stop, pulls me in and hugs me, paps me until I'm calm.
He's the only one who treats me EXACTLY the same as before.
Even Meenah, with her equal-to-my-face treatment, will whisper things behind my back.
I wish you could be the same.
I miss you Kankri.
I wish you could hear what's going on in my head and know that, at least somewhere in here, I'm still me.
I'm still me.
I'M STILL ME.
1M 571LL M3 1M 50RRY 1M 50RRY K4NKR1
see me again.
Kankri.
Kankri don't say those things.
Kankri I'm in here! KANKRI!
...Are we still friends?