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Leo had never thought about gender. It was never a question for him.
It was only when he felt a strong ache of envy and intense admiration for his newfound sister that he realized maybe, just maybe, this wasn’t normal. The way he felt this huge sense of wrong, wrong, WRONG, everytime he heard “He” or “Him” in the context of Leo. But that was impossible, because that had always been Leo.
It was when he heard, “He’s the leader,” that he realized it really couldn’t be normal. Being a leader always filled him with a sense of pride. So why did it feel like he was drowning? It wasn’t just the anxiety of being leader. It was so much more than that, and it was personal. He felt gross, he felt wrong.
He thought back to his childhood with his siblings. They were all raised masculine and comfortable that way. Mikey didn’t care for gender norms, he would wear a skirt and a spiffy bowtie in one outfit. Raph was hypermasculine but he was generally comfortable that way. Leo was never comfortable in his masculinity, he was always too serious. At least, that’s what he thought. And Donnie-
And Donnie. How could he forget? Jeez.
One day, when they were around ten years old, Donnie walked into the kitchen at breakfast and simply said, “I want you guys to use they and them instead of he and him on me.”
It was so simple and effortless, they’d been focusing more on their food than everyone else, with a blank expression that Leo never cared to read. They all nodded and shrugged, complying without a care and hardly phased by the casual ask.
Leo remembered honestly being more focused on his worms and algae, the worms kept slipping away. But he kept it in mind for Donnie’s sake and never quite wondered why his sibling would want that. It became normal fast.
So now, as Leo looked himself in the mirror, a desperate self loathing and untouched urge to punch it—to punch anything. It swelled inside him. He closed his eyes, because he didn’t like what he saw.
And he really needed someone to tell him how to navigate this, because it was starting to get scary.
It was a constant discomfort, always crawling all over his skin. It was a new level of self hatred he never thought he could or would reach.
Could he really do that? Just change his pronouns? Why had Donnie done that? How had they done that?
He blinked and he was standing before the lab door. He knew Donnie had been extremely busy lately, doing everything to find a cure for Karai. For Leo’s sake in particular. Leo knew Donnie was doing it all for him, and he appreciated it more than they’d ever know.
His gaze was set frozen on the door. It had to be midnight already, and Donnie was undoubtedly awake. They’d be calm about it. Hopefully.
Leo let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding and decided on repeating a ritual they’d always done when Leo couldn’t sleep. He grabbed the handle and pulled, sliding it open as quiet as the metal sliding on metal could, only enough for him to peek in.
He looked around for his little sibling, and there they were, purple bandana tight on their head, sitting at their desk and mumbling either curses or equations to themself. You could never tell with Donnie.
There were numerous coffee cups, so much more than the last time he was there. So like, 5 hours ago. That was a lot of coffee for 5 hours.
“Leo? Hey bro.”
Leo snapped out of his concerned trance, forcing down the grimace at the term, ‘bro,’ and walked in. “Hey Dee.” Donnie tiredly waved a hand, naturally going right back to their furious and sloppy writing.
Leo made his way to a stool next to Donnie’s desk. Mikey usually liked to spin in it, but Leo preferred to sit there, hand in chin, leaning on the desk and watching Donnie work their magic, even if Leo only understood a quarter of what they were doing. Most of the time he’d fall asleep, but he wasn’t sure any amount of purple noise would help him this time.
They sat in silence. He watched the pen move, the black ink creating unreadable sentences from Leo’s angle.
Leo wished he could understand. Donnie seemed so sure of themself at times, and didn’t look like they needed to question what they wanted. It went deeper than science. Leo could tell, Donnie knew who they were and wouldn’t ever change it.
He wished he could say the same.
“Did you know that the moon is lemon shaped? Despite what we think we see, it’s no where near round. In fact, Moon is shaped like a lemon, with flattened poles and bulges on both the near and far side around its equator.” Donnie said suddenly, their voice raspy and tired.
Leo blinked. Okay?
Oh. Right. Their usual ritual when Leo couldn’t sleep.
He was supposed to come in and ask Donnie to info dump to him about space. Oops.
“Really?” He replied simply, quiet, his lips curled at the corners.
“Really.” Donnie squinted at their paper, then wrote something down. They sat up and looked to their brother, a sleepy smile on their face.
“Black holes have theoretical opposites known as white holes. They are effectively the opposite of black holes, they spit out light and matter instead of trapping it. So far, they are purely hypothetical objects.” They informed fondly. Leo nodded, intrigued already—but his mind hadn’t quit racing.
Donnie shared a few more facts, none of which Leo had known before. There were many times Leo had wanted to google the facts, but he really enjoyed letting Donnie tell him. Nobody else seemed to listen to Donnie like that, and Leo loved learning about space. It was the one thing that brought them together.
Leo was still thinking, unfortunately. What if there was a whole other thing that brought them together? What if it went deeper than any space fact, bigger than the universe itself? What if it was the matter of not space and time but something as important and meaningful as identity?
Well, that made it seem pretty small. Still, it was so much more, wasn’t it?
He couldn’t be calmed by Donnie’s rambling, even as it got more enthusiastic despite their clear exhaustion.
“Why do you use different pronouns?” He asked suddenly, abruptly. Donnie froze in place, visibly taken aback by the question. Or the interruption. Maybe both.
“Uh- Leo, why do you ask?” Donnie raised a non existent eyebrow, looking at Leo intently, as if trying to read him.
“Just… curious.” His voice shook, his shoulders tensed.
Donnie stared for another couple of seconds before pushing aside their paper and sighing. If Leo didn’t know any better he’d say they were nervous. “I never really felt confined to one gender. I didn’t feel right as a boy, but I definitely wasn’t a girl either.” They said quietly.
“I… tried it on myself. ‘Oh, that’s Donnie! She’s the smart one!’ I never felt right as either, and then I discovered the neutral terminology. Neutral terms, neutral definitions. And it felt perfect, it felt me.” They spoke a little louder now, smiling, mostly to themself as they gazed at the floor beneath them.
Leo admired them, they were comfortable and brave about it. Still, he’d never seen them act vulnerable about stuff. This was a new sight.
“What does it mean? When you switch genders.”
“Ah! That would be called the Trans Umbrella.”
And so they began.
And so did the info-dumping of Leo’s life.
It went on until one in the morning, and Leo felt like their brain had been fried with gender and identity terms, half of which didn’t make a lot of sense to them. Now they really didn’t know what they were.
But a term that Donnie used stood out to them the most. “Trans-fem.”
It meant to be the term for when a born boy, a male at birth, transitioned into a female or a female aligning gender.
Leo hadn’t known what to call it, but that sounded… right. Super right.
It was scary, too. They weren’t born a girl, so it didn’t sound right. But they desperately wanted to be. When put into words, imagining being transfem, they realized—they wished they were born a girl.
Like, something they’d yearned for their entire life.
Like when they looked at Karai and imagined what it was like, living in her body, being the way she was, being addressed how she was, wearing the clothes and the makeup she did.
They’d chalked it up to being a admiration for the sister they didn’t know they had. Like, little brother to big sister admiration. Or maybe wanting to be a human, or being splinter’s biological daughter.
Okay. Maybe it was all of that. But none of it was as strong as the envy, or the intrigue.
Donnie was still talking, because they loved talking about topics they knew so well. All of this had to be from memory alone, from figuring it out themself. They didn’t tend to care about non-science topics.
Besides, Leo could be a good listener when they cared to ask. They might not have been listening aside from in an out for the past 30 minutes since they explained, ‘trans-fem’ but they weren’t sure Donnie minded too much, considering how much they enjoyed talking.
Their fists curled in a tight clench.
“I think I’m trans-fem.” Leo said suddenly.
Donnie went silent, and Leo felt their blood go cold.
Why did they say anything?
This was Donnie. Of course they would support. So why was Leo so damn terrified? Why couldn’t Leo meet their eyes, why could Leo only imagine them looking up at them with pure contempt?
They waited, fidgeting with their hands in their lap.
“How do you know?” Was all Donnie asked. Nothing else.
Leo winced, anxious over the question alone. They shrugged. “I just… when you guys call me your brother, or say ‘He’s the leader,’ I’m… supposed to feel good. I’m supposed to feel proud. I do, but it’s…“ They paused, gathering the words to explain the feeling.
“Wrong?”
Leo’s breath hitched, they mustered up the courage to look up and meet their eyes.
The crimson gaze told them they understood.
Donnie told them they understood.
Leo was understood.
“Yeah.”
—
The midnight duo decided to experiment. Donnie liked to take an analytical approach, and Leo needed that kind of logic in the moment.
“Leo is my sibling, they’re the leader.” Donnie said, scripted but genuine. Leo didn’t feel wrong, but not the best or the greatest. It felt… empty.
“Not it. I don’t think.” They whispered.
“Leo is my sister, she’s the leader.” Donnie said, the same tone.
But it wasn’t the same. It was different. It was something kinder, something right. It was a perfect symmetrical image, it was the missing piece of a broken puzzle.
It was her.
She went wide eyed, looking at Donnie with something new. a smile appeared on her face, faster than she could control. Donnie returned the smile, immediately understanding.
“Is that it? The right one?” Donnie asked, enthusastic—as if they discovered something incredible. Leo nodded eagerly, fighting the urge to implode out of pure joy then and there.
It was euphoric.
Donnie burst into a huge grin, as if they could feel the energy radiating off of her. But their expression quickly softened.
“Perfect. You’re my sister then.” They stated calmly, wrapping an arm around her shoulder.
Leo hesitated, and looked to Donnie nervously. “Do transgender people usually pick new names?” She asked, looking at the floor.
“Typically, yes, but you don’t have to.” They informed, glancing at her with thoughtful eyes.
“I like Leonardo. It’s me. But…” Leo avoided their gaze, looking away sadly. Donnie smiled gently, pulling them closer into a side hug.
“You don’t have to make any big decisions right now, sis. It’s all up to you.”
Leo felt that fluttery feeling, the pure joy, the rightness, the normalcy in the way they said it. Sis.
“I want to be Leona.” She whispered. She didn’t anticipate herself sounding so nervous, and yet so sure. She wasn’t sure how the words would sound escaping her mouth.
“Oh! Alright. Leona. Are you uncomfortable with Leo, or any other nickname?” They asked, releasing Leona from their grasp.
“Just Leo and Nardo. I’m okay with Leon.” She answered honestly.
It was so easy with Donnie, because they understood, they knew what to ask. She’d never forget this night, even if it was now three in the morning and she was surviving off gender euphoria and immense anxiety.
Donnie nodded. “Alright. I’m so proud of you, sister. You’re discovering yourself.” They said, a glint of joy and real pride in their eyes. Leona smiled, wider than she expected.
“Thanks, Dee.”
Donnie cleared their throat, pulling away from Leona. “Leona is my sister. She’s the best leader, and and an even better sister. I’m here for you, sis.”
Leona really, really wasn’t used to this, and yet—something in her shattered, out of pure, complete and utter love. Like her inner child being healed. She felt tears well up in her eyes and she wrapped her arms around Donnie before she could even think.
“Thank you, Donnie. I mean it.”
“Don’t mention it.”