Chapter Text
Warning:
Depressed Dean/Drinking Dean/Dean losing his temper at Sam/Hopeless and Depressed Dean
Time moved slowly for Dean as he slowly made his way out of the car and back into the bunker. They had defeated Chuck, Jack was now the new God and it was all finished.
Everyone was alive again.
Everyone except Castiel.
Jack had said he would have a hands off approach from now and that hurt Dean. After everything they had gone through as a family, Castiel didn't deserve this.
He deserved better.
So much better.
A better life, a better home. A better family.
Dean reached Castiel's room that was rarely used and sat down on the bed. A soft puff of dust came with the action. Castiel usually sat in Dean's room in the chair by the corner, reading a book while watching over him.
Taking in a shaky breath, Dean looked around. He took in the emptiness of it all. He couldn't understand why Castiel did everything he did but there was a time he never questioned his loyalty. He hated himself for how things turned out. How he treated the angel. He was supposed to be his best friend, his brother in arms.
The man he loved.
Dean truly didn't understand how Castiel felt all that for him after the shit he put him through. He had been so horrible to the seraphim, so horrible to Jack. To Sam.
He blamed them for things he shouldn't have. Things that were on him.
His anger overrode his emotions, what emotions he suppressed. He let that anger take over, the drinking, everything and it turned him into a horrible man.
A man that an angel still thought was beautiful and worthy of love.
If only he could take it all back.
If only he could change how he treated Castiel, Jack and his brother. He would do it in a heartbeat. He should have been honest with Castiel the second he had been spat out of the Empty the first time. The relief of having him back should have been enough for him to confess his feelings. He should have treated Jack so much better. It wasn't his fault that everything bad that happened.
The feelings he fought so hard to ignore and push down but failed. How he kept it together, he'd never know but there had to be something.
He had to get his Cas out of the Empty. He had to.
Filled with something he had not felt in a long time, Dean pushed his aching body up and went straight to the library. He should sleep, eat or something but he didn't feel like it. He needed to fix this mess he made.
He needed Castiel back.
“Okay need a sign for what I'm looking for.” Dean muttered to himself as he began from the start of the book shelves. He could hear Sam come in and call his name but he was focused.
A man on a mission.
“Dean what the hell are you doing?” Sam looked confused at his brother who was looking through the books.
“Looking for something.” Dean said as he pulled out a book and began flicking through the pages.
“You should be resting. We've had a rough day.” Sam said gently. “Dean please.”
“Can't. I'm too wide awake.” Dean lied as he put the book back and began with a different one.
“What are you looking for anyway?” Sam asked approaching him carefully. The last time his brother was like this, it didn't end well.
“Something.” Dean muttered as he closed the book and grabbed another.
“Dean stop.” Sam grabbed Dean's hand before he grabbed another book. “Cas is gone. He isn't coming back and you have to accept it.”
“No.” Dean snapped, pushing Sam's hand away. “I'm not accepting this, Sam. I have to get him out of there. He doesn't belong in there.”
“Dean.” Sam said gently. “I loved him too but he made his choice. We have to let him go.”
“I won't. I fucked up Sam. I have to fix it.” Dean gave his brother a look. “You should know me better than anyone.”
“And that's why I can't let you do this. This isn't what he wanted for you. I know you cared and we've lost...”
“No Sam.” Dean cut him off. “You haven't lost. I've lost.” Dean pressed on the key part.
“Dean.” Sam frowned. “I loved him too.”
“Not like I did.” Dean said quietly. “I should have been honest from the start but I wasn't. I denied us both a chance and now I have to fix it.”
“Dean...come on. You can't do this to yourself. I lost everyone too. Eileen and...”
“At least you got to tell her you loved her and you got her back! I didn't. Loving me killed him! It made him the happiest and then poof! Super turbo hell. I am not accepting it. I won't. Now you can either help me or leave me alone.” Dean snapped at him.
“Dean.” Sam repeated making the hunter glance at him. “I am saying get some sleep then we will take this on tomorrow. For now please. I will help you. You'll need my help anyway because some of these aren't in english.”
All the fight drained out of Dean in that moment. He was relieved his brother was going to help but at the same time he didn't like the idea of waiting.
“If we are going to find a way then we need to be at full strength. You're not. You're exhausted, emotionally, mentally and physically. We both are. Can't find Cas and get him out if you're half dead yourself.” Sam reasoned.
“Okay.” Dean said quietly. “Just one night.”
“Just tonight. I'll make some food. Yes meat.” He said before Dean could say a word. “Go on. Take a shower or something. It'll be okay, I promise.”
Watching his brother walk away while mumbling to himself, Sam sat down and ran a hand over his face. Letting out a tired sigh, he wondered what the hell they were going to do and even where to start.
It took them some time but a spell was found and Dean was vibrating with a new energy that surprised even him.
“Okay so.” Sam said looking over the spell that Rowena gave them. It didn't take much for Dean to convince the Queen of Hell to help them out. All he had to do was repeat her words that she said to him before he messed everything up. She had given him a head slap then ordered him to fix it again.
“Yeah so?” Dean pressed, practically bouncing.
“Easy there.” Sam rolled his eyes. “You need to calm down. You'll need to be able to focus on where you want to go.” He reminded him.
“Oh I know exactly know where I need to be.” Dean said eyeing the spell. “Right before Jack is born.”
“What?!”