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Shauna was surprisingly clingy. Or maybe it was just the privacy of being alone with someone else during a house party.
Maybe it had something to do with the knowing glint in her glassy eyes when Lottie stared at her a little too long. Playful and sly with just enough mirth to keep Lottie second-guessing herself.
Most likely, and the answer that Lottie had been ignoring, it had something to do with how Jackie wrapped herself around her boyfriend the second she entered Lottie’s house.
Either way, Lottie looked forward to every minute she got to spend with Shauna. Shauna’s touch was a delicious guilty pleasure that Lottie could take and take and take.
They were in a guest room, sitting on the carpeted floor, their backs leaning on the bedpost. Half a joint in and Shauna was starting to worm her way into Lottie’s space. Her arm kept brushing against Lottie’s and she was rhythmically thumping her ankle with her foot.
She could only hope that she didn't give away how much the attention made her preen.
She stared as Shauna took a puff of their joint, her eyes following the plumes of smoke when she exhaled. Their eyes met and Lottie’s train of thought stuttered on its tracks before remembering there was nothing to stop for, reaching out to take her turn.
There wasn’t enough weed in the world that would stop the fluttering in her heart when Shauna looked at her, but that wouldn’t stop Lottie from double checking. She pulled until the joint’s cherry burned bright.
“Did you ever finish that book you were talking about?”
A stupid question, of course Shauna finished it, Lottie even knew that she started a new one, but she wanted to think about something other than Shauna’s chapped lips wrapped around the joint.
“Yeah, it was really good.” Shauna cleared her throat and reached across Lottie to grab her Capri Sun.
She brushed against Lottie’s abdomen and got so close that Lottie could smell her shampoo. It gave her a headrush as a monstrous amount of want bubbled its way up her throat. She wanted to dig her thumbs into Shauna’s hip bones. To trace her teeth with her tongue and leave an imprint of her nails in her broad shoulders.
Instead, Lottie swallowed thickly and squirmed a little to ignore the warm rock settling low in her stomach.
She looked at Shauna, whose face was scrunched up in thought. Her eyes moved from her cheeks to her smile lines to the peach fuzz on her lips, and her fingers twitched. She wanted to touch and know and have, and at heart, she was a spoiled little girl who hated to be told to wait.
She took another hit, if only to stave off her waning patience, and ran her hand through her hair.
“It was depressing though, in a really… empty way.”
Lottie squinted and raised her brow, “Isn’t that kind of your thing? Angst and despair?”
It made her feel dirty, but sometimes, before Lottie stamped it down, she let herself wonder if Shauna lingered on purpose.
She’d twist the rings on Lottie’s fingers. She’d hook her ankle around Lottie’s. She'd steal Lottie's drink when hers ran dry, and then she'd look at her with her big mellow eyes and ask her to get another.
Were those regular everyday friend things? If Lottie saw somebody else in her place, would she think that those were regular everyday friend things?
Truth be told, she didn’t want to know the answer, even if it was all she thought about at night.
Shauna huffed and Lottie grinned, nudging her to take the nonexistent edge off. She tried to pass the joint but Shauna declined so she took another hit, slow and deep like the last. Ignoring the tickle in her throat, she calmly exhaled, only to choke when she saw Shauna staring at her lips.
It never burned any less. She coughed and grimaced at the fiery hot pain.
“Penance.” Shauna said, but Lottie was too busy sputtering to respond. Either way, it had no heat behind it, “I guess I was hoping for a happy ending for some reason.”
Lottie nodded and cleared her throat, thinking back to when Shauna first approached her away from practice.
It was at a party. Lottie had been nursing a beer when the girl sidled up next to her. She sat close, too close, and when Lottie turned to talk to her, she could smell the alcohol on her breath. Her mouth went dry as she met big brown eyes, and for a second, her world narrowed down to Shauna and her fly-aways.
She only needed a ride home, but a drunk Shauna was a theatrical one. In between jabs and eye rolls and giggles, Shauna touched her arm, her knees, her hands. It made her flush down to her toes, but Lottie quickly found her footing with Shauna’s sharp tongue, biting back big toothy grins. It was fun and carefree. It was easy and comfortable. For once, Lottie didn’t feel like she was fumbling for a script, the lines came to her naturally.
It wasn’t until Lottie locked eyes with a pouting Jackie that it dawned on her why Shauna sat next to her.
Later that night, when Lottie realized how heavy disappointment sat in her chest, she sighed, tucked herself into bed, and resigned herself to her fate.
“What happened?” Lottie rasped.
Shauna shrugged before taking the joint, “He broke up with his lover and then he died, his fiancée found out that he was gay in the middle of fucking a man and left him, and he ran out of money and had to move back to America.”
“Jesus.”
Shauna nodded and scooched closer. Lottie was keenly aware of the denim against her leg. It was warm enough to make her realize how cold her legs really were, idly running her hand over her goosebumps. She leaned into it and pressed against Shauna. A beat passed, and she snaked her leg beneath Shauna’s, satisfied with the way she hooked her knee over Lottie’s thigh to pull her in. She was protected.
“Yeah. The ending dragged on forever. It was like I was waiting for Giovanni to die, too, and after it happened, it was so… anticlimactic but tragic? David slowly fell apart when they broke up, and it was painful to see.”
She watched Shauna put out the joint on her deflated Capri Sun. The way her hands moved, long and limber fingers and tendons and blue veins that poked out sharply against pale skin, made her mouth water.
“How are you doing though?” Shauna asked, her words leading into one another like a greasy smudge. In the silence, she pulled Lottie’s hand into her lap and carefully twisted her rings. Like Lottie was a doll that belonged to her. More warmth trickled down her spine and pooled between her thighs. God, she wanted her so bad it made her bones ache.
These were the interactions she enjoyed the most, the ones where Shauna would tell her things while she latched onto her; the ones where she could pretend that Shauna liked her as much as she liked Shauna.
She flushed as Shauna raked her eyes over her. Lottie blinked and her brain clocked back in from being stuck on how Shauna’s fingers would taste.
The weed always made it worse. Heightened and smeared her emotions in that euphoric way she loved. She did it to herself, really.
She blinked and jutted her chin towards the joint.
“I wanted to finish that.”
Shauna grinned. It was lazy and strikingly handsome, so much so that when Lottie’s heart stuttered, she grabbed her skirt, her knuckles white.
“Sorry, I figured you were done after you almost hacked up a lung.”
“No, it's fine. I liked watching you put it out,” Lottie said, the words barreling out of her mouth before they registered in her mind.
Shauna just laughed and Lottie smiled at her obliviousness, “What? Why?”
She shrugged and felt a little shame at the throb of her clit, “I like your hands. They’re nice.”
Lottie grabbed Shauna’s hand, the one that was already holding her own, and slid down to her wrist. Smooth and warm and delicate. She ran her thumb over her veins, and Shauna shivered. Lottie felt drunk off the power of it.
The air in their little bubble thickened into something inky. She did it again and again and again, and then she moved her hand higher so her thumb could meet the thickest part of Shauna’s palm. She dug into it, massaging it.
She watched Shauna’s mouth open and close, an unruly squeak escaping just before she swallowed when Lottie dug into a knot. Her teeth itched to bite. She moved her other hand to Shauna’s forearm to give her more leverage.
“That feels really good,” Her voice shook, and Lottie wanted more. She wanted to wring Shauna dry of all her noises. She wanted to squeeze Shauna for all she had. She wanted to give until it felt like taking.
She hummed, not trusting her voice. If she spoke the dam would break, and she would end up questioning and ruining the precious minutes they had left of this moment. She kept digging into her palm, pleading it would whittle Shauna’s world to only Lottie.
When she finally had the chutzpah to meet Shauna’s eyes, she found that knowing glint in them. Heady and almost smug. She loved Shauna’s eyes. She loved the way they sucked in the light. How they trapped people in their gaze with no shame, unapologetic in their scrutiny.
Shauna shifted, taking a glance at Lottie’s lips, and Lottie’s heart climbed up her throat. She was soaking through her underwear and Lottie’s cheeks burned at the realization.
Lottie wanted things before but never like this. It never felt like shoving her feet into a pair of small shoes. She needed to jar it and seal it away where it belonged, but she didn’t know how to do that anymore and now she didn’t know where to put it. It was racing up her spine and nesting in her chest, a fat expanding desire that only grew needier by the minute.
“C’mere,” Lottie tugged on her hand and arm until she felt the press of lips against hers.
The intimacy of it made Lottie burn. Shauna’s hand clasped in her own was too much, the feel of her breast against her arm was not enough, the press of their noses was so good. She tugged until Shauna pulled away to straddle Lottie’s thighs, her hands landing hot and sweaty on Lottie’s shoulders.
She held her breath and bit her tongue to stop herself from making an embarrassing sound at the pleasure of feeling Shauna’s weight on her. Lottie leaned in and kissed her again before either of them could think about what they were doing.
She firmly ran her hands up Shauna’s thighs like she always did in her dreams, letting them sneak up her shirt until they rested on her waist. On hot and soft skin, her thumbs moved with Shauna when her stomach twitched. She trailed them back down and squeezed the muscle there, and swallowed Shauna’s soft groan. Jesus, it felt so good to finally touch, Lottie was going to lose it.
The slide of their lips wasn’t very coordinated, it was messy and wet, it was teeth and tongue, and Lottie loved it. It was new and desperate, fun and heart racing. It was nothing like she thought it would be, and so hot she clenched her thighs and whimpered.
Shauna pulled away at the sound and Lottie chased her lips, going in for a few more pecks before her eyes fluttered open.
Looking up at Shauna’s half lidded eyes didn’t feel real, it couldn’t be, but when she met Shauna halfway, warm and human, it sent a giddy thrill through her.
They were tangled in each other, overlapping one another in a way that was dizzying to think about. Still, she wanted Shauna closer. She tugged at Shauna’s flannel and helped her take it off, bunching the fabric in her hands and throwing it aside mindlessly so she could touch Shauna’s firm and lean biceps.
She slid her hands into the sleeves of Shauna’s plain white tee and grasped at her shoulders, lightly scratching them with her fingernails, smiling at her responding shiver.
The smell of Shauna’s skin was addicting. She wanted to huff it, bottle it and keep it all to herself. The thought of someone else’s nose pressed against Shauna’s like this, the thought of someone else getting to feel the soft fuzz of Shauna’s belly, the thought of someone else, made Lottie falter. She pulled away until there was a breath of air between them.
“Maybe we should stop,” Lottie whispered, still so close that her lips bumped against Shauna’s.
“Do you want to?” Shauna asked, her voice a raspy thing that made Lottie want to kiss her again.
The words wouldn’t come to Lottie. They refused, but she didn’t have to say anything anyways. Shauna already knew.
Shauna sighed and took control, slowing their kisses to something raw and throbbing as she threaded her hands into Lottie’s hair, and while Shauna hadn’t said anything, Lottie knew that she wanted this as much as she did. Shauna wanted Lottie. She was wanted even if it was just for this moment, and with every smack of their lips, Lottie knew without a doubt that she was irrevocably fucked.