Work Text:
Gabi's first conscious recollection is of Reiner's palms on her face. They're warm. They're big. It seems that they're holding the entire universe in them. He has a kind face with honey-colored eyes surrounded by short eyelashes, and a gentle smile. How old was he then? 11? Or 12? She doesn't remember. It didn't matter then. All that mattered were his hands on her skin and the tenderness with which he looked at her.
"Mom, look, isn't she lovely?"
Karina, his mother, seems to be busy with something more important. She looks out the window, watching the passers-by, as if picking out someone in the crowd. Reiner is too used to watching this scene, so without waiting for an answer, he turns away from his mother and pats his cousin on the head.
"Gabi, do you want to go buy baked apples?"
Gabi nods. Of course she does. Reiner spends so much time training to become a warrior, and little Gabi constantly pesters her mom with questions. "Mom, when is Reiner coming?", "Mom, is Reiner coming today?", "He promised to give me piggyback rides!"
And now, when life offers her such a wonderful opportunity to spend time together and to eat her favourite baked apples, how can she refuse?
Gabi's small hand falls into Reiner's warm palm, and they direct their steps towards the city market.
It is a warm summer day outside, the sun shines right on the top of her head, and Reiner leads her along the shadiest paths so that the sun does not provoke her sunstroke.
The apple seller, a kind-looking man with a moustache, gives them two portions of sweet treat. When it is time to pay, Reiner's hand rummages in the pocket of his shorts. The sound of coins is heard, and when he counts them, his heart sinks somewhere into his heels: he does not have enough money. The kind face of the apple seller instantly distorts with a grimace of anger, and he grabs Reiner by the hand, leading him into an alley. His eyes fall on the boy's armband, and then Gabi hears nothing but the words "little cheater" and "Eldian pig" and the boy's pleas asking Gabi not to follow him, to stay here, in the square. Gabi shakes her head. She can't, she doesn't want to abandon her kind cousin, whom her little three-year-old heart already loved more than life itself, and her legs lead her after him into the alley.
It's a warm summer day. The day when Gabi first sees Reiner being beaten.
Gabi is 9, and she spends a lot of time at Karina Braun's house, where she now sits by the window almost constantly, watching passers-by. Gabi sits down next to her and rests her chin on her hands.
"I wish Reiner would come back soon," Gabi says. "I can't wait to talk to him again. He'll come back as a hero, won't he, Aunt Karina?"
"Yes," Karina smiles at her. "He'll come back as a hero. And then Karl will come back too."
Karl? His father? Gabi just smiles back, not quite understanding what Karl has to do with it. After all, all she cares about is her beloved older cousin, who is about to return.
Another half year passes, and after regularly spending time at Karina's house and talking to her about warriors who later become honorary Marleyans, about devils from the island, the creepy stories of which make Gabi worry about Reiner even more, Gabi firmly intends to become a warrior. She still eagerly awaits the return of Reiner, the one about whom she remembered almost nothing, except that he had the warmest palms and the kindest smile.
When she sees Reiner with Zeke near the headquarters, she jumps up and flies into his arms. He looks tired, frowning, and seems ready to collapse from fatigue, but he hugs her back, and his hands are still warm on her back, and his embrace feels like home, and his smile is still precious, only it has become too sad. Reiner is her new idol, her hero, her role model, the most important person in her life. She doesn’t quite understand why his eyes look so scared when she declares her desire to become a warrior, but she doesn’t want to pester him with questions. She is an active, energetic girl, she has so much she wants to tell him and so many questions to ask, but she is also smart enough to understand that Reiner probably wants nothing more than to rest right now.
She sneaks into the headquarters to watch her hero cousin being rewarded for spending 5 painful years side by side with the island demons. Only then does she learn that his mission failed, the warrior girl he went to Paradis with remained on the island, and two friends, one of whom is the brother of the grumpy Galliard, died. Gabi's heart sinks, but Reiner does not cease to be a hero to her. After all, spending so much time on the island is also a kind of feat, right?
And then she follows him to his house, which reminds her more of a small prison room, with one tiny window, the bed where he slept as a child, and a table with photographs of his friends and family: here's a photo where he is with his mother, who is tenderly holding his arm bandaged with a warrior candidate's armband, and looking very proud, here's a photo of him holding little Gabi who has just turned 2, here's the photo where he is standing next to the other warriors. Porco is already waiting for him near the door of the house, and his expression does not bode well. The girl's chest feels tight and anxious. From afar, Gabi watches as an angry Galliard grabs Reiner by the collar of his jacket and almost throws him to the ground, shouting at him. Her first impulse is to protect him, to rush to his aid, to prevent an act of violence that is about to happen; she is stopped by Reiner, who has noticed her from afar, gesturing for her to stay put and not to interfere. He says something to Galliard, who then drags him around the corner by force. Gabi, just like 6 years ago, can't stand still. She runs to Reiner, knowing full well that Galliard is probably very depressed that his brother hasn't returned, but can he really blame Reiner for that? She believes he has nothing to do with it. Right?
Reiner sits against the wall, and his blood drips from his broken nose, staining his snow-white shirt, spreading over the fabric like a parasite.
Gabi rushes to him, kneels down, takes a lilac handkerchief from her pocket and quickly wipes away his blood, knowing full well that for those with the power of titans, everything heals on its own anyway, but still unable to watch how wretched he looks now. With a clouded gaze Reiner notices how her eyebrows frown, and her angry looks that she throws at Galliard's back. She jumps to her feet, and when she is already ready to rush after him, to demand an explanation, to make him apologize to his cousin, she feels the weak grip of Reiner's hand on her wrist.
"There's no need for this," Reiner says quietly, rising to one knee, swaying slightly so that Gabi has to hold his body with her childish hands. "He had every right to do this. I... am really guilty before him."
He puts his hand on her head, and the familiar feeling of the warmth of his palm makes tears well up on her eyelashes. She presses her whole body against him, hugs him, closes her eyes.
Gabi witnesses Reiner being beaten for the second time, and she swears to herself that from now on she will never let anyone hurt him again.
Gabi is 12. Sitting in the forest before the operation, along with everyone else, Gabi sits next to Reiner by the fire, hugging her knees and burying her nose in them. She goes over the events of the last few days in her head and finally returns to the day when Reiner had just returned from the military operation on Paradis. Everything around seemed carefree and bright, and the day of the festival when she tried ice cream for the first time, and the happy faces of Pieck, Falco, Udo, Zofia, even the eternally grumpy Galliard, and Reiner. And then there was the attack on Liberio, the chain of terrible events that followed it, and the realization that of all her friends and loved ones were gone, only Reiner and Falco remained alive. She didn't know if her parents were alive. She saw Udo's bloody face, pulled out from under the rubble, Zofia, whose face Gabi never even saw for the last time, also trapped under the rubble, Colt's charred body, the bodies of the sentries falling to the ground with a dull sound, Porco dying with a smile on his lips. And then the girl she had killed on the airship, and her parents, the island devils who for some reason hadn't killed her, hadn't beaten her, hadn't grabbed her by the collar and thrown her out of their house, but had taken care of her as if she were their own daughter. Her entire worldview, what she had been taught since childhood, had suddenly collapsed like an old shack, and Gabi still couldn't fully accept it. Did Reiner feel like this back then?..
It all suddenly becomes too much, and she drops her head helplessly onto her bent elbows. A familiar warmth touches her shoulder, a light spreads somewhere deep, deep inside, and she turns her gaze to Reiner, who makes it clear to her that he understands her feelings completely, with just one look. She wonders what he felt when he lived side by side with the island devils, when his worldview collapsed just like Gabi's? How did he cope with it? How is he still not going insane with guilt, just like his cousin is going insane now? He was always so calm and collected around her. But how did he feel inside, what did he do when he was alone? There were too many questions in her head, and she didn't even notice how a squabble broke out between those sitting by the fire. Elena says something, word for word, and it seems that, for the first time in her life, she sees the real Reiner; he looks at the ground with glassy eyes, as if he is not being himself, clenches his fists and talks about some guy Marco, whom he killed back then, on Paradis, and who was one of his comrades. Her heart pounds somewhere in her throat when that guy with a goatee and slicked-back hair (was his name Jean?) begs Reiner to shut up, not to talk about it. As if not hearing him, Reiner continues to talk, and talk, and talk, until Jean finally pounces on him like a wild animal and begins to scream furiously and hit him in the face with his fists and feet in heavy leather boots.
On a quiet night in the forest, to the sound of the crackling of fire, she witnesses Reiner being beaten for the third time. The girl's head flashes with the scene from three years ago, when Porco beat him in exactly the same way. Reiner didn't fight back, just like he doesn't now. Did that mean he knew he was guilty of all his crimes? Was this his way of redeeming himself, at least a little? Jean kept beating him, until the bones of his skull crunched, until his face was a bloody mess. Was he willing to endure all this pain because he knew he deserved it? Why had he never told her? Why had he never told another living soul about it? About how he felt?
She shakes her head. Three years ago, she promised herself that she would never let anyone hurt her cousin again. She runs to Reiner, and immediately the air rushes out of her lungs as she takes an accidental kick to the gut from Jean. Horrified, Jean retreats, and she, still lying on Reiner's chest, starts to feel overwhelmed. Gabi asks for forgiveness, remembering again the parents of the girl she killed; remembering all those who were killed by her small childish hands, simply because that's what she was taught since childhood, and she didn't know that it could be any other way. Didn't know that those who were called devils were in fact the kindest and brightest people, just like others. Tears well up in her eyes, and it becomes difficult to breathe, and she is ready to take all the blows intended for Reiner on herself. After all, she was no better.
In the morning, Jean grabs Reiner by the collar, shaking him awake, and Gabi watches with relief as her cousin opens his eyes. She walks over to him and lowers herself next to him on the grass.
"I'm sorry you had to see and hear that," Reiner says quietly, looking at the black ashes left by the fire. "I guess I should have told you about everything that happened to me on the island. I just wanted to protect you from the fate that I had."
Gabi moves closer.
"I wouldn't have believed you anyway. Not until I saw everything with my own eyes. I guess now I know... know you never wanted any of this to happen."
Reiner shakes his head.
"I didn't want it, but I did it anyway. I can only try to make amends to you and everyone I've hurt, but I can never become a good person again. My hands are stained in blood up to my elbows, Gabi."
She smiles sadly, and tears well up in her eyes.
"We all have blood on our hands", she grabs his shoulders, and he instinctively puts his hands on hers. "We chose this path ourselves, and we will pay for it with our conscience for the rest of our lives."
She lowers her head and sobs, and feels Reiner's hands tighten on hers. He must have a silent surprise written on his face right now. She shakes her head.
"Gabi-"
"You were never a bad person to me. I only know the best in you, Reiner," she squeezes his shoulders tighter, finally giving in and burying her forehead into his chest while his hands are still on her shoulders. "How can I blame you for anything when I've killed people myself simply because I believed they were bad? How can I feel anything other than gratitude when, for as long as I can remember, all you've ever done to me was trying to protect me?" She feels Reiner's jaw clench, and his palms fall on Gabi's back and the top of her head, holding her close. She closes her eyes.
She feels like she's a three-year-old girl again, a child who doesn't understand how this world works. Because her world is her beloved cousin, his honey eyes surrounded by short eyelashes, his kind smile and his warm, large hands that seem to hold the entire universe in them.