Chapter Text
I am writing very small
I am sitting very still
If I pray that you don't see me
Then perhaps you never will
Today was much the same as any other day; for Jensen each day, each week rolled into the next, an endless monotonous cycle. He had already been up for three hours and done his chores before spending the required hour in family prayer. He usually enjoyed the time spent in quiet contemplation, but once again last night his body had betrayed him. He had of course confessed his body's sinful action to his father and Alan, with that terrible look of pity and disappointment in his eyes had administered the usual punishment. Only his father never called it a punishment, that was Jensen's word for it.
Alan patiently and repeatedly explained it was correction, a way to teach Jensen's body not to give itself over to lustful urges as he brought the thin switch biting down across Jensen's palm. But Jensen felt he must be stupid as well as somehow steeped in wickedness because it didn't seem to work. The pain of the stripes his father had caned into his hand had distracted him from his prayers making Jensen feel even more like a sinful failure than ever.
Jensen tried so hard to be pure, he really did. He never knowingly broke any of the rules and tried so hard to be good. His older brother Joshua, didn’t seem to have the same problems he did. Jensen guessed that it must be part of his wayward nature and prayed over and over again to be purer, stronger, to be more like Joshua. He was already working in their Dad's lumber yard, perfect Joshua who had a steady girlfriend at church and was saving up so he could marry her.
Jensen was usually so accepting and pliable in everything his parents asked but he had wanted more than to work in the family business. The first time he had ever stood up for anything he had argued that he wanted to go to college although still uncertain as to what he wanted to do. He kind of liked working with the younger kids when he went as a youth worker on bible camp and for a while he had wanted to be a physical therapist. His Dad had pointed out though, that if he did that he would have to put his hands on just about anybody and God alone knew where that would lead to, so that put an end to that idea.
He hadn’t dared go away to college of course, scared of the effect its worldly ways might have on him. He knew he was prone to sin, his father told him so often enough. He knew that weak as he was, he needed to be very careful to avoid temptation; so he felt safest here, staying near his church and his family. Jensen had enrolled at the local college instead, taking classes in Maths, art and history, hoping to maybe get a teaching qualification out of it so he could work with the church children. He paid his way by helping out at the lumber yard on weekends and holidays and doing some of the church bookwork. Well, on Saturdays he was at the yard, Sundays of course were the Lords day and spent in church or in silent bible study.
So Jensen crept through his life, each day the same, trying to make himself invisible. He wore grey clothes, baggy goodies that he could hide in, heavy framed glasses that hid his face and the colour of his eyes. He tried to fit in with his family and church but it never came naturally, he never quite felt that he fit in with anybody. Even at college he sat at the back in classes and never spoke unless he was spoken too. At breaks and lunchtimes he went to the library to study. it was all an effort and he was tired all the time, plagued by migraines that left him weak and ill a lot of the time. Sometimes he cried himself to sleep at night and he didn't know why.
Jensen shouldered his back pack and headed out the door, the pain in his left hand already receding to a dull throb. It wasn't like he wasn't used to it anyway, the three stripes barely enough to do more than raise a couple of welts. And it was easier than the times his Dad believed that Jensen had deliberately sinned, when he kept going until he drew blood.
As Jensen turned the corner on to College road he felt a strange shiver go through him, a prickle of chills running down his spine, making every hair on his body stand on end. Normally he made himself as small as possible, hiding his height by keeping his head down, trying not to draw attention to himself but something made him look up. He had walked this street hundreds of times since he started college, usually he did it on autopilot, barely noticing his surroundings.
Today though he felt hyper aware of what was happening. A flurry of wind sent a few leaves and an old chip packet dancing down the street. In front of him as always was the old hardware store, it had been empty and unchanging for years, old stock gathering dust and cobwebs behind dirty windows. But now, with no warning it was different. The window was clean and brown packing paper was taped inside the glass with the message “Watch this space!” emblazoned on it in vibrant purple, a giant question mark in the same colour adorned the door.
Jensen didn't know why but something about the sight made his heart lift a little. His step felt a little lighter as he hurried to his first class. He didn't let himself daydream often but today he couldn't keep his thoughts from the new store as he wondered what and who would be there. His mind flitted back to it all day, a candy store maybe, or a book shop or a really nice coffee house. All of them had one thing in common though, all of them had someone there he could talk to, a friend.
The following morning he found himself hurrying the first part of his walk to class, wanting to see what was happening at the store. As he turned the corner he almost held his breath in his anticipation of whether there might be some new change to the old store. He wanted to laugh at himself for letting such a silly little thing become important but God knew, there was little enough of interest in his life. He practically flinched at his use of the Lord's name even if it was only in his head.
“Hello, gorgeous,” the cheeky greeting made Jensen's mouth go dry and his palms sweat as he looked shyly round for the speaker. It was a boy, about his age and he was painting the woodwork round the frame of the door; a soft, inviting green that he was confidently slapping on in glossy streaks. Jensen couldn't help but stare as the boy reached up to paint the highest corner. Not that he was finding it much of a stretch because the kid was so tall. Jensen himself was over six foot and this guy had to top him by two or three inches at least. His bright pink tee shirt already cropped short rode up, revealing golden skin and defined muscles. Shabby jeans hung low off his hips and long, dark hair curled past his shoulders, Jensen had never seen anyone quite like him before. He knew without a shadow of a doubt there would be no hiding anything for this guy, he inhabited his body proudly and Jensen felt a brief pang of indefinable longing.
He swallowed, looking around to see who the boy was talking to but he was alone in the street, no one else was in earshot. “I'm talking to you, pretty boy,” His voice was low with a teasing drawl and it was filled with so much warmth and humour and just a hint of something else that it sent a prickle up Jensen’s spine.
“Um yeah.” He blushed and stammered as he hurried past, too afraid to stay however intrigued he was. The boy stopped to watch him as he scurried by and it was impossible not to be drawn to look at the generous smile and the dimples beside the smudge of paint on the boy's face.
Jensen was trembling as he hurried up the street, no one had ever spoken to him like that before, there was no one in his limited experience that looked or behaved like that boy. He had been so free and confident it made Jensen feel even more insignificant in comparison.
He had to hide in the library before class as he tried to pull himself together, he couldn't believe how badly the brief encounter had shaken him. Jensen never spoke to anyone if he could help it, everyone in the small town ignored him if they weren't from the church and that was how he liked it. Even the members of the congregation had learned that Jensen didn't do conversations, he blushed and stammered and they a;ll now kept their interactions with him to a minimum. No distractions, nothing to break his routine or distract him away from the Lord's path.
Right from kindergarten the church kids had only been allowed to socialise with each other, the rest of the children soon gave up asking them to parties or out on play dates. By the time Jensen was due to start first grade the church elders decided it would be better if the kids were home educated so they all got pulled out of school anyway.
As they got older the church kids hardly even saw other children and there were only a couple of other boys Jensen's age; they weren't ever allowed to go bowling or to the cinema or even to go swimming unless it was at another church members house. Jensen had no mobile phone or computer, their family had no television, anything that his father might consider morally corrupt was banned. They were special, Dad had told them, they were saved while all the other kids would go to hell, their souls were pure while those other kids were permanently damned by all they were exposed to.
Jensen usually obeyed his father's directives to the letter, his battle to go to college had been hard fought, won only with the unexpected support of his mother and he didn't want to do anything to jeopardise it. He spent all his free time studying in the library, in class he sat alone and was careful not to listen to the cussing and ribald humour of his class mates, he was good at tuning distractions out any way.
Now they were into his second semester all the kids in his class knew and understood, they maybe thought he was a little odd but they didn't try and talk to him any more or provoke him into a reaction. Still one or two made the effort to be friendly, in particular a boy named Chris always smiled and saved Jensen a seat near the back of the room, he collected Jensen's work and took notes when Jensen missed classes through illness. Jensen told himself he didn't need friends, was better off this way, he didn't have time for the distractions, and yet sometimes he felt a pang of loneliness when he watched Chris and and the others joke and tease. Even Reuben and Michael seemed to share something deeper than the way they talked to Jensen himself. Disappearing together to talk and whispering behind their hands when they thought he wasn't looking.
Once again he returned to his daydreams of the new store and now his potential friend had a face. He shook his head, forcing himself back to reality, daydreams were pointless, he didn't need anyone else, he had the church and that should be enough.
Jensen was finding it harder and harder now to stay in his self imposed bubble, the silence and the isolation that had been his sanctuary were starting to make him feel suffocated now, itchy in a way that he couldn't fully comprehend. He was out of the door early for college these days, anxious to see what was happening at the store.
Jensen found he had to stop now, just before he turned the corner, he needed time to collect himself, not sure if the butterflies in his stomach were there because he wanted to see the boy again or because he was afraid of him. He took a deep breath and mentally chastised himself as he finally rounded the corner to look at the shop. It had been a few days since he'd been there, another weekend and nearly a full week of college lost to a migraine that had left him blind and sick for days.
The packing paper was gone, the store frontage was painted in the same green the boy had been using before, the store was obviously open now and everything was a blaze of colour and pattern. Earth Angel was emblazoned in purple and gold lettering over the top of the window with a gorgeously painted sign of an Angel picked out in shades of pink, violet and turquoise all highlighted with gold. The window itself was like looking into another world and Jensen found himself frozen in front of it as he inched closer to see what lay in the store beyond.
He was fascinated and appalled in equal measures as he saw tarot cards and incenses mixed in with brightly coloured scarves and jewellery. Symbols that he'd been brought up to believe as satanic hung side by side with dolphins, angels and crosses. Near the cash desk at the back was a circle of couches and comfy chairs with a low table stacked high with books and magazines. Glass cases sparkled with geodes and crystals and more jewellery.
Posters in the window informed of classes that were being held, Reiki, Yoga and other heathen practices that Jensen had never even heard of, Shamanic drumming, healing circles, re-birthing. He knew he should be running from the place as fast as he could, his father would beat him for even looking in the window and yet . . . he couldn't tear his eyes away, he wanted to go inside, to touch the soft fabrics and read the books and talk to the people who must be so alien to anything he had ever encountered before.
His fingers were pressed against the glass so hard they were turning white with the pressure. He noticed almost dreamily that he was getting pins and needles and he pulled his hand away, not sure why the excitement he was feeling was mounting. This was so foreign it was beyond anything he could possibly have imagined and yet, somehow that made it even better. He wondered how long it would take him to pluck up the courage to actually enter the place. He somehow he knew that it was inevitable that he would go in eventually, however long it would take him to pluck up the courage
this place was going to be special for him.
Even as he watched someone came down a flight of steps at the back of the shop and began switching on lights. As the gloom dispersed the shop became even more of a treasure trove as light sparkled off crystals and sequinned scarves. A pretty young woman with heavy rings of black eye liner and a pixie like face, framed with a wild mass of spiky dark hair. She wore a tie dyed green and black dress that made her look even more elfin and other wordly. She lit incense sticks on a shelf and set a CD going before starting to organise things at the cash desk. As she became aware of Jensen's scrutiny she waved cheerfully and came towards the door. Heart beating wildly, Jensen backed away and he practically ran up the street, not sure whether he was afraid of the store itself or his own wayward nature that was so tempted by the strange fruit that was hanging now so tantalisingly within reach.
In his haste he had gone the wrong way, heading away from the college rather than towards it but suddenly he was glad to be heading home, the pain in his temple was beginning to pound in rhythm with his heart. He scurried up the street and was relieved to find everyone else had gone out, he wanted nothing more than to curl up in the cool of his room and pray, hoping for peace and stillness to fill him once more. The migraine didn't return however, and he still felt the curiosity and longing growing inside him, like a fern uncurling and reaching up towards the sun.
It was one of those rare days when Jensen was able to walk home alone, Reuben and Michael were off to an athletics meet so he didn't have to walk back with them to the church for bible study. Jensen had never enjoyed athletics, competition always made him feel like it was drawing too much attention however much he liked participating. He had stayed firmly away from the extra curricular and sports societies offered by the college, preferring instead to spend his time in extra study. Occasionally in the past he had been to watch his friend's compete but he knew his dad didn't really approve, he didn't think it was a useful way for Jensen to spend his time, so usually Jensen spent it in extra study.
Today though he didn't want to stay in the library, the cool autumn air was fresh and enticing, he wanted to take his time outside, take the long route home through the park, maybe sit for a while by the lake. He knew he was dawdling which was a sin of it's own but occasionally Jensen craved the time in peace before he went home to help with the chores or to do his homework.
He hadn’t gone more than a few hundred yards when he spotted a familiar figure up ahead. THE BOY FROM THE STORE! Jensen could practically see the capital letters in his head, as he saw the tall figure striding confidently along the path in front of him. Even as Jensen watched the boy missed his footing, slipping from the side walk and turning his ankle, he crashed awkwardly to the ground. Without conscious thought Jensen found himself hurrying over, although he couldn't say if he would even be able to speak his heart was hammering so wildly.
“Fuck! I’m so clumsy!” The boy said ruefully, trying to twist his face into a grin although he actually looked sick from the pain.
“That looked really sore,” Jensen volunteered quietly, he felt out of control, his body was responding without his permission as he crouched down beside the stranger, “can I help? What have you done?”
The boy gingerly prodded his ankle, “It's just sprained I think, I'll be okay.” But he was grey and looked clammy, obviously in more pain than he was admitting to.
“I'm Jared, by the way. Can you call my friend to come get me, I don’t think I can walk on it.”
“No, Jensen agreed, “probably best not too, and I'm Jensen.”
Up closer he was younger than Jensen had thought before, maybe even younger than Jensen himself, probably no more than seventeen or eighteen. The pain was somehow making him look younger though, or more fragile and his hands trembled and flexed, as soon as Jensen sat beside him Jared's hand clutched onto Jensen’s arm like a life line. Jensen flinched and Jared moved away only to return the touch a few moments later without even seeming to realise. This time Jensen let it stay where it was.
It was like watching himself from a distance, sat on the kerb with this strange but charismatic boy who was already sitting closer to Jensen than anyone else ever did, who was touching him as no one ever had before. Jensen couldn't help but feel a little proud of himself for actually being here, having a proper conversation like a real person. The boy swayed a little, if it was possible he looked greyer than ever and Jensen gave a little gasp of alarm. “Here” he said hurriedly and took his water bottle out of his back pack and gave the boy . . . gave Jared the water. Jared drank gratefully, and didn't look quite such a ghastly colour but he lolled against Jensen's shoulder, heavy and warm but not actually uncomfortable. Actually it was something Jensen thought he could get used to.
Jensen sat in silence for a moment, mesmerised by the way Jared's throat moved as he swallowed. Up close he was even more gorgeous than Jensen had remembered but then on their previous meeting he had been too flustered to really take it all in. He really was something special. Today he wore a sleeveless white T-shirt, showing tanned, toned skin and revealing a beautifully inked tattoo. The design stood out in stark relief, black against the tan; some sort of web with jade green feathers hanging from it. It was exotic and beautiful and Jensen he wanted to run his fingers over it, tattoos were something else he didn't see very often.
Jensen swallowed, he couldn't remember the last time he'd even sat this close to anyone, let alone touched them and yet here he was with the amazing creature pressed against him, and it was making his pulse race and his skin flush but it also felt good and right.
After a few minutes Jared sat up a little, “Thanks man, my phone's in the side pocket of my bag, could you get it for me?”
Jensen looked over and saw that Jared's bag was still where it had fallen, he reached over and pulled it closer to them, then unzipped the pocket of the well worn, purple backpack and pulled out a cell phone. It was tatty and covered in stickers, several dangley things swung from it, unicorns and a rainbow which sparkled in the light. The boy laughed as he saw Jensen's gaze, “Angel – my mom makes them for me, she thinks they're funny.” Jensen couldn't help but be captivated by the boys smile, by the way it lit up his whole face, causing little dimples in his cheeks.
“It's not locked, just scroll down and call Misha could you?”
Jensen looked at the small object in his hand, so innocuous really, it's weight barely registering physically and yet his father seemed to think the damage it would cause to Jensen's soul would be irreparable. He chewed on his lip uncertainly and flushed as he handed it over.
“I'm sorry, I can't . . . I . . . it's not allowed.” he stammered, he felt small and stupid for even saying it, Jared seemed so free and unfettered, Jensen didn't think any rules would hold him back from doing something he wanted.
Jared looked at him curiously but gave a reassuring smile despite the pain that was so obvious in the tight lines around his eyes.
“No worries,” and he punched in a number, “Hey Mish, can you come pick me up?, I'm . . .”
He looked at Jensen, “where am I?”
Jensen told him the street name and wondered whether it would be okay for him to leave when Jared finished his call, he wasn't sure what was required in a situation like this.
“Um . . . do you want me to stay till your ride gets here?”
He was sort of hoping he could escape and head back to his routine, he didn't like anything that made him deviate from it and yet he felt torn, for the first time in as long as he could remember he was with someone who didn’t make him feel like ants were crawling over him skin. He was confused and could already feel the tick in the corner of his eye that warned of a headache coming on, he stood up hesitantly.
“Please stay,” Jared said immediately, “I'm kind of a baby about pain.”
“Oh, okay.” Jensen sat down again, staring at the pavement by his feet, he didn't know what to say, Jared leaned on him again, slumping to the side but Jensen got the sense that it wasn't deliberate, that Jared needed the contact for comfort or reassurance.
He looked at his shoes and picked at an imaginary piece of fluff on his knee, anything to avoid meeting Jared's gaze or think too closely about why it felt this good having him so close. Nothing to do with the spicy sweet way he smelled or the delicate curve of his lips. Jensen felt like he'd taken some kind of drug that was enhancing all his senses, making everything seem alive and exciting.
“So why no cell phones then?” Jared asked curiously, disturbing Jensen's reverie.
“Uh, well it's one of the rules.” Jensen felt like he was under a magnifying glass, his skin flamed with the intensity of the other boy's scrutiny.
“Whose rules?” Jared pressed and Jensen felt a flicker of fear, he'd taken some stick at college about his beliefs and he turned into a blushing, stammering wreck, completely unable to defend himself or his beliefs.
“It's . . . I go to this church . . . I . . . we all live by them. . .” Jensen stammered and blushed even more fiercely, wishing his brother, or even Reuben were here, they were so much better at explaining this than he was.
“But it's not biblical is it?” Jared mused, his tone was thoughtful and inquisitive though, he wasn't trying to goad Jensen or pick a fight about his beliefs like Chad did and Jensen felt the fear begin to dissipate.
“I mean I know cell phones weren't invented then, obviously but how could God object to something when it means that people are safer and more able to keep in touch?”
Jensen gave a vague shrug, he wanted to answer Jared's questions but to be honest the answers didn't really stand up to his own scrutiny let alone any one else's. “My Father and the other Elders of the church decided it a few years ago I think, they say Cell phones are the modern equivalent of the tower of babel and therefore to be shunned.”
“What about you? Do you believe that?” Jared's voice was deep and soft and Jensen felt he could sit and listen to him talk for hours.
Jensen didn't even know what colour Jared's eyes were because he never dared to raise his eyes long enough to look at him but he could feel them burning into him just the same, just as Jared's hand on his arm felt like it was imprinting itself in flame on Jensen's skin.
“I . . . I don't know . . . I haven't thought about it.” Jensen stammered, and it was true, most of the time it was just so much easier to go along with what he was told, asking questions was punished and got him nowhere anyway.
“You need to, Jensen.” Jared urged gently. “You need to start thinking for yourself, start asking questions.”
Jensen was saved from having to answer by a scruffy brown station wagon pulling up beside them. The man who got out was older than Jared, smaller and lithely built with a mop of unruly dark hair. Sneakers and blue jeans were topped off by a beautifully painted t-shirt emblazoned with a picture of stone monoliths. Piercing blue eyes raked over Jensen briefly before passing over to assess Jared.
“Hey, kiddo. How you doing?”
“Not so good,” Jared admitted and he seemed even paler suddenly, as though his friends arrival had unmasked the extent of his pain.
“Grey really isn’t your colour,” Misha agreed cheerfully, “Come on, lets get you home to the ladies, they'll soon sort you out.” Before he could help Jared to his feet though Misha knelt down, laying both hands on Jared's injured ankle and just holding it for several moments, Jensen could see that the man’s lips were moving but he didn’t make a sound.
When he finally stood up Jared looked a little brighter, his colour a little healthier. he sat up and reached for Jensen's hand and Jensen helped Jared to his feet. He supported him to the car, painfully aware of the other boys body where he was leaning down on Jensen's shoulder as he limped carefully to get in to the vehicle.
“Thanks for your help, Jensen.” Jared smiled he sat down and Jensen handed him in his pack.
“I didn’t really do anything,” Jensen felt obliged to admit.
“Honestly you did, I’d have freaked out if I was on my own.”
He totally would”, Misha agreed, “he doesn’t do well being alone, do you, kiddo?”
“Gee thanks, Dad!” Jared retorted but he was already leaning back against the seat and closing his eyes and Jensen could tell he was still in a lot of pain.
Jensen stood and watched as Misha started the car and prepared to pull out, feeling idiotic for still standing there, not sure why he hadn't already headed for home when Jared wound down the window,
“Keep asking questions, Jen!” he yelled, and though Jensen felt his face flush with embarrassment he felt another little furl of excitement in his stomach. His father never permitted nicknames and the boys easy shortening of Jensen's name made him feel briefly like someone else, as though he had the potential to be someone else, someone new.
He walked home slowly, replaying every moment of the encounter in his head, he remembered all of a sudden the headache that that had threatened, it had vanished when Misha had knelt down to help Jared. He felt a little shiver go through him at the memory of Jared's hand on his arm, he could still feel the ghost memory like a hand print on his flesh. He just hoped that he hadn't come across as too much of an idiot, at least he had been able to speak, hadn't been totally tongue tied or run away like a scared child. No, on the whole it had been a good encounter, he really hoped it wouldn't be too long before he met Jared again.
Jared was thrilled to finally get out of the store after three solid weeks of painting and decorating then getting though the extra influx of customers during their first couple of weeks of opening. He loved it of course, had enjoyed every moment of the redecorating and the excitement of the start up but he was a sociable guy and he had missed the buzz of being at college, He was glad that the college in this part of town was following the same syllabus as in his old place so the transfer had been a relatively simple process. He was only going in for Art this semester anyway, he was going to start taking a business studies course as well next year so he could help do more of the bookwork and marketing for the store.
He had met with the tutor, Ms Hamilton last week and had liked her immediately, she was young and enthusiastic and Jared knew he was going to enjoy working with her. He'd been walking home from that appointment when he'd twisted his ankle which had delayed his start by a few more days. He had brought his portfolio with him, including all the preliminary studies he'd done on the sign for the store, the angel had taken him hours of painstaking work and he had been thrilled with the finished result
As he prepared to meet his class for the first time he was aware of butterflies in his stomach. Nervousness was beyond him although he did find himself muttering a short prayer under his breath that he would find good friends here. Unbidden a vision of pretty green eyes flashed in front of his eyes and he smiled at the memory of the gentle boy who had helped him.
The art room was buzzing with noise as the assembled students chatted in small groups, a dark haired young man sat on his desk and was holding forth to a group of girls who were hanging on to his every word. A skinny blonde boy in a Dr who T-shirt was vying for their attention, clowning around and flicking paper pellets across the room.
As Jared walked into the room the brunette looked up, his face broke into a wide grin and he jumped up, “Jared, bro! Good to see you,” Jared was thrilled to see someone he knew there, he had hoped he and Chris would be in the same class, it made the change of schools so much easier. Not that Jared ever had any trouble making friends, at least on the surface.
Chris began to introduce the various teenagers to him, but it was all a blur really, he let the wall of sound wash over him knowing that sooner or later he would pick up who every one was. As his eyes scooted round the room he was impressed by the wealth of talent that was displayed, this was going to be a good group to be a part of he was sure. The students settled down and began to disperse to their seats and Jared could tell that they liked and respected their teacher, each going to their place without a fuss and starting work without further instruction. Most seemed to be working on still life projects, easels and sketchbooks, charcoal and pencils being passed around and set up. It was only when Jared looked around to find a seat for himself that he noticed Jensen sitting near the back. He felt a thrill that went far deeper than recognition going through him.
“Hey, man. Good to see you,” Jared started but to his surprise Jensen looked away, not returning his greeting, not even acknowledging he was there as he took up a pencil and began to sketch, “Jensen?” He could feel his voice faltering but he was moving to the empty seat next to the boy anyway. It couldn't be deliberate could it? He had felt such a profound connection to the other boy in their previous encounter, he was sure Jensen felt it too.
Chris clapped a hand on Jared's shoulder and casually steered him to a seat further away, “Sorry, man, that’s my chair, why don't you sit here?”
“Uh, sure, okay.” He looked curiously over at Jensen who was still sitting motionless with the pencil gripped in his hand, a dark hoody shaded his face so that it was impossible to see what he was thinking.
A thin serious looking boy in a preppy looking button down approached Jensen, a taller spottier clone at his side, Jared tried to concentrate on setting up his work ready to go through with the tutor but he couldn't help but be distracted by Jensen. Jared watched curiously as they muttered a brief exchange, Jensen never once looking up from the floor, the spotty boy was looking sullen and kept sending dirty looks in Jared's direction. It all made Jared more and more curious and he wanted to ask Chris what the deal was but he was interrupted by Ms Hamilton coming to see his work.
It wasn't until the break that Jared was able to ask Chris about Jensen, but Chris wasn't able to tell him much, especially since they were under the watchful eye of the preppy boy and his friend. The three boys were all members of the same church, Chris explained and it was really old fashioned and strict. All of the members were supposed to keep themselves separate but Jensen was something else, something special. When Jared pressed Chris to find out what he meant the other boy could only shrug his shoulders, “I don't know exactly, its like he's kind of . . . fragile.”
Jared couldn’t help himself but keep stealing what he hoped were sneaky looks at Jensen through out the remainder of the lesson. He was feeling guilty now for the way he'd accosted Jensen the first time he'd seen him, but damn! The boy had looked so hot in his shy reserved way, those sparkling green eyes and that dusting of freckles that had looked so lickable. Jared was intrigued way beyond the physical beauty of the other boy, his very other worldliness making Jared want to get to know him, to join the protective circle of friends around him.
When he returned to the class room Jared had to focus, they hadn't started the still life project yet at his old school and he would have to work hard if he wanted to catch up. He couldn't prevent himself from sneaking occasional glances at Jensen though, he looked so adorable with his head bent over the easel, seemingly lost in his work. Jared smiled gently when he finally caught Jensen's eye, the older boy was checking him out too and it gave Jared a small thrill of victory when Jensen gave the tiniest nod in return.
As they packed up their their art materials Jared used the confusion to get closer to Jensen, “thanks for the other day, man, it was just sprained but I was really glad to have you with me.”
Jensen ducked his head without replying, at first Jared thought Jensen was turning away but then realised that it was actually a nod, the merest hint of acknowledgement but it spurred him on to continue.
“I'm sorry, Jen. About uh, the first time we met? I didn't mean to be disrespectful, sometimes I speak before I think.”
Again with the shy little nod.
The preppy boys, Jensen's minders, Jared found himself thinking were helping stack the easels but he knew that he didn't have long before they came back.
“I . . . it was cool, talking to you, I was really hoping to be your friend,” Jared could feel himself blushing, it sounded so very grade school to his ears but he meant it and Jensen was still looking at him, although less like he was an alien now and with a mixture of feelings flickering over his face.
“I'd like that too,” his voice a whisper so quiet Jared barely heard it but for a second it felt like the room had shrunk to a bubble containing just the two of them. “but it's not allowed.”
Jared took an unconscious step closer, he wanted to pull Jensen into his arms, take him home and love him and make Jensen love him in return, he'd never felt like this about anyone before and it had completely blind sided him.
“Just try and keep thinking for yourself, okay? just keep asking questions, please? For me?”
Before Jensen could reply his minders were back, shooting Jared curious glances and smoothly insinuating themselves in between him and Jensen. Jensen shot one last helpless look at Jared before he was escorted away to his next class.
Chris clapped a hand on his shoulder, “Don't even go there, bro!” he advised. “I've tried, he seems so lost and helpless but he chooses to be that way, spends all the time when he's not with those two hiding in the library, he just doesn't want to make friends.”
“Ah well, I never could resist a challenge,” Jared drawled, trying to make light of it, hoping that it would come across as teasing, the last thing he wanted to do now was draw attention to Jensen, not now he realised how much Jensen hated it. Still there had been that look in Jensen eyes when Jared had said he wanted to be friends, wistful and longing and Jared just wanted to see what those eyes would look like if he could just make Jensen smile.
Jared was looking forward to his next Art lesson for so much more than just the sake of meeting Chris and his friends, he was hoping for another chance to speak to Jensen again. He had spent most of the weekend distracted by thoughts of the older boy and had hoped against hope that he might see him around. Each time the shop door had opened Jared had caught himself fantasising that his friend was coming to see him, it didn't happen though and Jared didn't realise how much it was affecting him until his mom had commented on how quiet he was being.
He had arrived at the class early hoping that he might get a few minutes alone with Jensen but his “minders” were already setting up and Jensen was hard at work, not even glancing in Jared's direction. Jared was surprised at how strong the pang of disappointment was, however when he took the dust cover off his canvas a tiny piece of paper fluttered to the floor, it had obviously been tucked into the frame. “Who do I ask?” was written in pencil, in tiny cramped letters, it was as though Jensen was as afraid to make a mark on the paper as he was to make a mark on life.
He looked over to where the older boy was working, tucked in behind the pillar. Hiding, Jared realised now, Jensen was always hiding but maybe now he was reaching out, maybe now he was saying he wanted someone to find him. Jared hoped more and more that Jensen would let Jared be the one to help him find his way out into the light.
As they waited for Ms Hamilton to arrive Jared sat with Chris, the usual gaggle of girls surrounding them all trying so hard to impress them, which would be funny if they realised he wasn't actually remotely interested. He'd been going steady with Steve, for several months now. Chad was once again making an idiot of himself trying to chat up girls who had long ago got his measure and just weren't interested. Chris was humming the melody of a new song to Jared who was adding percussion by tapping out a rhythm on his knees.
When they'd finished the girls clapped and Jared was aware of Jensen's eyes on him, he could feel the other boys gaze as though it were a physical touch.
Jared knew better than to try and approach Jensen in class but he watched him hoping for another clue and Jensen actually turned to meet Jared's eyes, even though he was obviously addressing his minders as he said “Sorry, I can't make it to bible class this evening, I have a paper to write, I'll be in the library.” His friends nodded, not seeming to be even that bothered as they left. Jared packed up his things carefully as it slowly dawned on him that Jensen had raised his voice above its usual whisper, maybe that meant he had wanted Jared to hear. He swallowed suddenly and had to force himself to listen to Chris but his mind kept turning back to Jensen, hoping against hope that this was another message meant for him.
Jensen sat in the Library, his heart thudding. He couldn't believe what he'd just done. He had never ditched bible study before, had never lied to anyone like that, it was a strange feeling, guilty and yet exhilarating at the same time. He knew suddenly that he wasn't going to confess this sin to his Dad in the morning.
When he saw Jared he felt a huge lump rising up in his throat, Jared was so funny and friendly and popular, he had hardly dared let himself believe that the other boy would actually come. Jared was even looking hesitant as he peered round the stacks, his face lighting up when he saw Jensen. “Hey, Jen.”
Jensen swallowed nervously, trying to pull himself together, “hey, I thought . . . maybe we could . . .” his voice dried up and he could feel the colour rising in his cheeks, he was such a dork! How could he possibly have imagined that Jared would want to spend time with him?
“Did you want to hang out for a while? 'cos I'd really like that too.” Jared's voice was so calm and reassuring that Jensen was almost able to stop shaking as he slung his back pack over his shoulder and followed the taller boy outside. He found himself relaxing more as they walked. Jared chattered endlessly, his monologue about how he had moved with his family and how the store was doing and the cookies his mom had been baking was strangely soothing. It relieved Jensen of the need to talk, other than interjecting the odd “yeah” and “uhuh” into the conversation just to prove he was listening.
They were outside the store almost before he had realised it and he barely hesitated before stepping inside as Jared held the door open for him.
The first thing that hit him was the smell, a rich and heady mixture of incense and spices, chocolate and coffee, underlaid by the slightly musty smell of the fabrics and he could feel it warming and comforting him as he stood entranced just inside the doorway. Dumbly he allowed Jared to steer him through to the seating area with one hand on his arm where Jared was greeted cheerfully by the young woman that Jensen had seen before. She hurried off quickly to deal with a customer though leaving Jared to fetch them both mugs of coffee.
Jensen sat in one of the arm chairs, still looking round him trying to take in all the new sights and sounds. The music that was playing was interspersed with sounds of water and bird calls, the guitarist seeming to weave melodies in and out of the nature sounds.
Are you okay? Was it okay to bring you here?” Jared sounded unsure of himself for a moment. Jensen nodded, taking a swallow of the strong coffee and feeling the caffeine buzz as it hit his bloodstream. This was something he could get used to. Much better than the decaf his mom served at home. His eyes were wide as he looked round, “There's so much going on here, there's so much to see.”
Jared nodded, “Yeah, I love it,” he agreed. “Do you like this seating area? We didn't have one in the old place and it was my idea. I think people like to take their time and think things through and they can check out the magazines and stuff too.”
It gave Jensen a warm glow inside to hear the pride in Jared's voice and he couldn't help but nod his agreement, “its a great idea, I like it here, it feels, well, really relaxed. The coffee's awesome too.”
Jared's eyes sparkled as he took the compliment with another grin, making his dimples dance. “Do you mind if I go give Isis a hand for a minute? She's getting a bit swamped?” Jared looked over to where a queue was building up at the till.
“Nah, that's cool,” Jensen was happy for a while to just stare at everything as he tried to take in his surroundings. He picked up one of the magazines from the table and flicked through the articles. Permaculture, crystal tuning, realigning your chakras. It was as though he was encountering an entire new culture, glimpsing a world he hadn't dreamed even existed before.
He looked over to where Jared was working, happily chatting to a couple of middle aged women about the merits of different crystals, it made Jensen smile to see how enthusiastic Jared was as he opened cases and pulled out drawers until the women were totally happy with their choices. They both bought several pieces and went away with their purchases in little sparkly bags and cheerfully promised Jared they'd be back.
“You're so good at that,” Jensen said wistfully as Jared returned.
“what? selling stuff?” Jared grinned as he refilled their mugs.
“No, well yeah, that too but just talking to people. When I’m at the lumber yard I stay in the back office and just do the book work. I hate it if someone wants to talk to me.” Jensen admitted.
“Does that include me? Does it upset you to talk to me?” Jared asked softly, he dragged his chair round so he was sheltering Jensen from the rest of the room.”
Jensen felt his face break into a smile, it was strange how often Jared made him feel that way, usually it felt like there was a veneer between him and the world that everything bounced off but somehow Jared had managed to get beneath it. “No . . . no it really doesn't. I like listening to you, and it's easier to talk to you than it is with most people.” Jensen could feel himself relaxing back into his chair, he felt sheltered by it, the old fashioned arm chair rose in wings on either side of his face, a brightly coloured throw was draped over it, he was suddenly tempted to curl up his feet and tuck the throw round himself, as though he and Jared could keep sitting there and talking for hours.
Jared was smiling at him and just the look of affection on his new friends face was enough to warm him to the core.
“I've been watching this place since you bought it,” Jensen admitted. “That day I saw you . . I kind of knew that it was going to be special to me. Does that sound weird to you?” Jensen couldn't believe the words that were coming out of his mouth, it was as though he was drunk on the atmosphere.
“No, not at all weird”, Jared reassured, “sometimes the world is like that, it lets us know when there are things we need in our lives, to prepare us so we're ready for them when they appear.”
Jensen nodded, that actually made sense, he thought about how he had been that first day, still so closed in and surrounded by his wall of ice, nothing could get in or out. He was glad that he had thawed enough to feel the loneliness, to realise the need for someone . . . for Jared in his life.
“What are you?” Jensen asked cautiously and Jared laughed out loud, a deep, rumbling belly laugh with his head thrown back and for a moment Jensen was so distracted by the smooth perfect column of his throat he could hardly remember thee question.
“Just Jared,” he grinned when he could finally speak.
“No, I meant . . . well, I'm a Christian, what does this all mean? What do you believe in?”
Jared's face grew serious as he considered the question, though his eyes still sparkled with humour.
“Still just Jared,” he offered after a moment. “I guess we're not too much into labels here.”
Jensen nodded but he still wasn't completely satisfied with the answer and obviously Jared could read that in his face.
“I believe in love and respect for everyone, for God and the planet. I'm a wiccan, sometimes Buddhist, Christian with pagan, native American, shamanistic tendencies.”
Jensen smiled slowly, but now he was happy with the answer, he'd been more than a little afraid that Jared wouldn't understand how he felt or what he believed in but Jared seemed beyond judging anybody.
“Isis, sweetheart, this is my friend, Jensen.” Jared looked up breaking Jensen’s train of thought as the woman came over. Most of the customers had now gone and Jensen was shocked to realise how late it had got. He had been enjoying his afternoon so much. It was like cold water down his spine, the thought that he would have to return to his sterile box of a house and the chill distance of his family. He shivered as he stood up with a sigh, “I'm real sorry, Jared, I have to go. I need to get home and catch up on the bookwork for the lumber yard before dinner.”
“I've enjoyed hanging out with you,” Jared said softly, and there were those dimples again, Jared was so sweet and genuine, Jensen hardly knew how to respond. This friendship, this warmth, this level of caring was something he'd hardly encountered before. “Me too,” he said shyly, ducking his head. He realised that at some point he'd dropped back his hood so that he could better hear what Jared was saying, and he moved to draw it back up.
“No, wait a bit,” Jared's hand was so gentle it was like the tenderest caress as he brushed against Jensen’s “you don't need your armour in here, you're safe with me, Okay? Leave it until you get outside.”
Jared was so sincere, he treated Jensen as though he was worth being friends with, as though he was a good person. He wondered what Jared would think when he found out what Jensen was really like. But he couldn't go against Jared's wishes, not when Jared was being so sweet. He nodded, “I really do have to go,”
“Can you come back? Here, I mean. Would you be able to come and visit tomorrow evening? There's no groups running, it'll just be us, just be quiet. I really want to spend more time with you.”
“I'll try, I promise.” Jensen could feel the panic rising in him now, he had to get out from this place, its seductiveness, its comfort, all was drawing Jensen in, distracting him from the path his father had dictated for as long as he could remember.
Jared's cat like eyes were watching him warily and Jensen realised that he had zoned out for a moment. Jensen could feel the veneer beginning to harden again, he pulled his hood firmly down over his face, shutting out the majority of the light and the distractions and he stood up hurriedly. “I really do have to go,” he said but the look of disappointment on Jared's face was too much to bear, “I'll do my best, Jared,” he promised. “I'll try and come tomorrow after supper, okay? About Seven, yeah?”
And the dimples were back, warming Jensen's heart and making the world seem just a little less bleak. “Awesome! I'll look forward to it.”
Christian ~
“Man, I swear I have never seen a bunch of fuck-wits as stupid as we had come through the café today!” Steve growled, chucking his jacket in the closet, and walking into his flat. I loved the fact that he had given me a key, it was good to have a place to hang out in and I liked being here for him on days like this. “I hate fucking customers!” Even in a bad mood he was sexy as fuck, besides which I knew just what he needed to make him forget all about his crappy day.
I reached for him, my blue eyed blonde, catching a hold of his belt buckle and dragging him close. He was reluctant at first, not in the mood for sex but I was confident I could change his mind.
“fuck, Chris, just let me . . . fuck!” He rubbed his hand across his face, running it back through his hair, he was so tense I could see the veins popping in his neck.
“It's okay, baby, gonna make it all better, just let me, k?”
I began popping the buttons on his levi's, slowly, one at time, stopping to work my fingers in through the gap, he'd gone commando as he often did and I was glad, I loved to get my hands on his cock, already swelling at my touch.
He looked marginally less stressed already and I swung him round so I could back him up against a wall, I didn't want the poor old guy falling over while I was doing this now did I? I said something along those lines as I finally finished with his jeans, opening them wide to free the trapped length of his cock, dragging my nails over the sensitive skin, brushing over the crown with my thumb, pleased to see the involuntary shudder of pleasure that was his reaction.
“Fucker,” his voice was a growl of a different sort now and he planted his feet wider to steady himself.
“well now,” I teased, jacking him so slowly, my hand wrapped round the rapidly swelling flesh of his cock. He was pretty much all the way hard now, and his dick was so flushed it looked edible, which was just fine by me.
“I wasn't thinking so much about fucking as sucking for now,” I drawled and he drew in a sharp breath, his head falling back against the wall.
He didn't need me to play around now, he just needed to take the edge off and I could do that for him, he might be a grumpy fucker sometimes but he was my grumpy fucker. I sucked him in as far as I could, holding him in my mouth for a moment before pulling back, I was able to take him deeper the second time and deeper again after that, I felt the first salt sweet taste of pre-come burst across the back of my tongue and trickle down my throat and I moved one hand down, taking his balls into my hand, loving the feeling of the silken weight of them. As I squeezed gently he gave a deep, throaty groan and and I sucked him down again at the same time.
God, I can't tell you how good it feels, to know I have the power to bring this strong, amazing man to his knees. That I can change his day from crappy to awesome in just a few minutes. It didn't take long before he was trying to warn me but I ignored him, sucking down every drop as he fucked into my face, his hands tangled in my hair. He pulled me to my feet and dragged me in for a deep kiss, kinky fucker always did like to taste himself in my mouth, Well, that's what he says anyway, never one to admit he actually enjoys kissing and cuddling after sex, It was all fine by me.
It had taken me long enough for him to get over the age difference between us, I'm eighteen, he's twenty five. I met him at an acoustic jam session a few months ago and we've been making sweet music together ever since. So once I'd finally worn him down and got him to agree to give me a chance I promised him I'll take whatever he wants, however he wants it. He's all talk though, actually, he's a total pushover.
Now, once he's finished devouring my mouth he reaches his hand down to slide his hand inside my jeans and grasp my cock, happy to return the favour. “Ah Jesus, fuck, man!” I can't keep quiet while we do this and the fucker knows it, likes to ram me up against the wall of the john in what ever club we're playing in, daring me to keep quiet, knowing that without his tongue stopping my mouth I’ll never manage it. Here in the privacy of his house I don't need to worry, I can make as much noise as I like.
“Fucking get on with it man,” I'm getting worked up now, already horny from making Steve come, I don't want to play games tonight either.
“Pushy little fucker,” he retorts but then he's shoving my jeans down and off, lifting me to straddle his waist. Suddenly our positions are reversed, now its my turn to have my back against the wall, my cock trapped between us as his thick, strong fingers press at my hole, “about fucking time!” I squirm back trying to get more, “fucking need it, please, please Steve please”.
I'm caught, part of me desperate to thrust forward, get some friction for my aching cock, part of me desperate to get those fingers filling me, rather than just teasing as he circles my hole, using his nail to graze the sensitive skin, so good but so not enough.
Finally he relents, flipping me over the back of the couch, spreading my cheeks wide as he furls his tongue and fucks it hard into my ass, I curse and jolt forward, it feels so fucking good, sending sparks of pleasure through desperate nerve endings, as he fucks me with his tongue, mouth hot and wet against the rim and my dick is twitching where his movements rub me against the couch.
Its too much and not enough and I can hear the ragged note in my voice as I plead “fuck me, please I’m begging!” as he backs away for a moment, snagging a pack of lube from his jeans on the floor and squirting it on his fingers, then they're pressed inside me me, three of them together in one swift thrust that makes me gasp and swear.
“Fuck me you fucker! Jesus man, I need you, get that fucking cock in me now.”
And he is almost brutal as he fucks his fingers into me hard and fast, knows I can take it rough, knows I fucking love it that way. I grind back as he crooks his fingers and finds my prostate, “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, more,!” I can feel my cock still pressed against the leather of the couch, the friction amazing but not quite enough.
Please, fuck Steve please, need your cock, just fucking get on with it yeah, Steve please,
“imma gonna shut you up in a minute, boy, you want that?” He rasps. “Tie you down and gag you with my belt? Shove my cock so deep inside you you'll be feeling me for a week.”
“All fucking talk!” I gasp, I'm beginning to feel like I'm coming apart at the seams, like there's nothing left of me but this writhing mass of need. And still he's working me with his fingers, “Gonna make you come on my hand, boy, you want that? bet I could!” and there's another swipe of that magic bundle of nerves and I can't even form sentences any more.
“Fuck! Steve fuck fuck fuck!”
and this is how he wants me, loves me, so needy for his cock I'm a trembling wreck that cant think of anything else. He pulls his fingers out and I instinctively push back and then there's a hard slap on the meat of my ass and it grounds me, pain quickly warming and spreading and as he does it again and again I feel like I’m floating out of my body, the pleasure so intense I can't take it.
“fuck me Steve, fuck me please?” my voice is wrecked from the yelling I’ve been doing and finally he relents, pressing into me slowly, his cock is thick and wide, it makes me groan at the sensation as he pushes in but then finally, blessedly he bottoms out and at last I’m filled with him, blissfully, perfectly just so god-damned right its better than anything else. Ever. His cock pushing into me, his fist wrapped around my cock, and I’m helpless to do anything but be pushed and pulled between the two.
“So close , so fucking close,” I gasp, the heat spiralling and mounting, filling my body as he bites down on my shoulder, “Come for me baby boy”, he growls in my god-damned ear, his breath hot and it's all I need to send me over the edge, convulsing under him as he pumps into me, thrusting hard and steady as he milks me through my aftershocks, until he's coming again, pumping deep inside me and he whispers Love you, baby boy in to my skin.
I'm too wrecked now to do anything but stagger round to lie on the couch, the bone deep satisfaction I'm feeling as the sting and burn in my ass makes the aftershocks keep on hitting me and its worth every god-damned throb.
He's so gentle with me now, as he wipes away the cum from my belly – and the back of the couch. He knows I like to play rough, knows I can handle whatever he wants to give me but he likes this too, being gentle and tender, and he's a different man to the one who came home, relaxed and happy as he leaves me to doze while he showers and potters round the kitchen, finding drinks and ordering in take out from the Thai place round the block.
Once we've eaten I feel more awake and I think about today at school, the looks that Jared and Jensen were giving each other when they thought no one was looking. I really hope there is something going on between them, Jensen always pinged something in me, whether is was my gaydar or just some over protective caveman thing in me.
“you know the kid I told you about from school, Jensen?”
“That's the quiet one right?” Steve speaks with his mouth full of pad thai and I punch his arm lightly, “Animal! Yeah, that’s the one. I think maybe he and Jaybird have got a thing going on.”
“Yeah? Huh, well, its about time, a good looking kid like Jay shouldn't be on his own, hasn't has anyone since that poppy chick went off to school in the fall.”
That must have been before I was with Steve, before I met Jared and his family, they're pretty cool in a new agey sort of way. I grab another beer from the table and pop the cap off with my pocket knife something about being with Steve makes me feel wilder, I'm growing my hair longer and I've gotten a couple of tattoos. Maybe its just part of growing up or maybe its something else.
I can't stifle my yawns and he chuckles, “I thought you youngsters were supposed to have all the stamina?”
I flip him the bird, “fuck you! old man,” I tease.
He's actually got quite a straight laced streak in him, he doesn't like the fact that I was barely legal when we met, wouldn't sleep with me until I’d found my god damned birth certificate to prove that I was. He doesn't like the way his sister lives either, it freaks him out more than he'll admit. I think it’s kind of cool though, and Misha and Angel seem really sound.
Yeah, there's a lot worse that Jensen could have ended up with than Jay.
Alan looked so disapproving that Jensen apologized instantly, retreating to the desk in the corner where the account books he worked on were kept. He guessed he must have phrased it wrong because when he'd suggested studying with Jared his father had point blank refused permission. The blood was pounding so hard in his ears he was barely aware of Joshua suggesting that Jensen accompany him to a bible study with the young men instead. He blindly followed his older brother out to the car, disappointment bitter in the back of his throat so heavy he could taste it.
“Where do you want me to drop you kid?” Joshua asked cheerfully. Jensen blinked owlishly, still too numbed by disappointment to think properly.
“Huh?”
His brother looked at him impatiently,” “You'd better not let me down, Jenny. My ass is on the line here.”
Jensen couldn't quite comprehend what his brother was saying so he sat silently, he had long ago learned that this path attracted the least attention and therefore the least trouble. He picked at the invisible lint on his jeans and pressed his fingernails into he palm of his hand, feeling the lines of his most recent punishment, reminding himself of what happened when he disobeyed.
“Jensen!” Joshua raised his voice, calling Jensen back before he could fully disappear inside himself. “There is no freaking bible study okay?” He turned the key, starting the car but didn't pull away, just sat there with the motor idling as he waited for Jensen to process what he was saying. “Me and the guys, we do our own thing, hang out, have a few beers, watch movies, just try and be regular folk for a while.”
“Oh!” Jensen huffed out a surprised little breath, whatever he had imagined his brother and his friends did together it certainly wasn't this. Jensen looked at him in shock, that was gradually tuning to admiration. Joshua had been lying, perfect Joshua had a secret life all this time, he drank alcohol and did all those things that Jensen had believed were so wrong, all the things that their father had forbidden.
He shook his head a little trying to clear his thoughts, hardly able to process what the implications of this were.
“Fuck!” Joshua breathed and Jensen had never heard his brother swear before, fear crossing his face and making him look pinched and hard. “I'm trusting you man, please don't tell Dad! if you want to go back in there and spend the night on your knees . . . well, that’s up to you I guess but . . .”
“No no, I want to go,” Jensen interrupted as he felt that little thrill of anticipation that had been with him all day begin to blossom again as hope returned. He could see Jared tonight after all.
“Could you take me to the new store, on the corner of maple and college street? Do you know it?”
“Wow, Kid, you are gonna burn! they're witches in there, Dad'll freak if he catches you.”
“Jared's not a witch!” Jensen defended hotly. “he's my . . . he's my friend.”
Joshua grinned in admiration but then a shadow crossed his face. “Jen, I . . . fuck! I'm sorry okay? I gave up on you, I really thought you'd gone, it was like you were their puppet, just an empty shell. I wish I’d tried to talk to you, kiddo. I could have . . . I don’t know, done something. Taken you out with me sooner.”
Jensen shook his head slowly, “no I don't think so, like you say, I was like a shell, there was nothing there to reach, I made myself do that, sent myself so deep inside that nothing could really touch me. It's like Jared woke something up in me, it's . . . its kind of scary actually.”
“Yeah, but a little bit amazing too, right?” Josh grinned. “I remember how it felt the first time I got out, realised there was a life away from Dad's stupid rules.”
As Josh pulled the car to a stop outside the store he looked at Jensen “Seriously, be careful, okay? I know its all strange and exciting and new, just don't get in over your head, yeah?”
Jensen nodded,”I'll try,” he said with the first real smile he had shown his brother in years, Josh grinned back in return and Jensen felt like all of a sudden he might have an ally inside the family.
“see you back out here at 10.30, okay?”
“Sure, as long as we're not too busy dancing naked in the moonlight,” Jensen teased, the bubble of happiness was rising, he couldn't recall the last time he'd let his humour shine thorough and it felt good to hear his brother's resulting chuckle.
“Smiling
spinning In Circles
holding Hands
the World Is A Blur
except Where You're Standing”
Jared's face lit up and he practically bounced with excitement, his joy at seeing Jensen was so obvious. “You made it, I didn't know if you would be able to or not.”
Jensen smiled shyly, barely able to believe it himself he was so scared that he wouldn't know how to behave in a normal family, that he would say or do something wrong. Jared led Jensen through the shop and up a flight of stairs into an open plan kitchen the size of the store below it and as brightly decorated. The walls were decorated with several of Jared's canvases as well as gorgeously coloured fabric banners and weaving. The units and worktops were arranged at one end of the room while comfortable looking couches, bean bags and a low coffee table were at the other end.
Dividing the two sections was a circular wooden table with at least eight chairs set round it. It was still littered with plates and dinner remnants, and three people were having an animated conversation as they drank wine and picked at the cheese and fruit that was in front of them, “Hi Jensen, welcome to the mad house, Jay, honey, do you want me to take Sepphy back now?” it was only as one of the women looked up and greeted him that Jensen was able to look properly at Jared and comprehend that he held a sleeping baby in his arms.
Jared chuckled, shifting the tiny weight with ease so that he was holding her out for Jensen to see, “This is Seraph, the baby of the family, she's coming up for four months old now;” He indicated the pixie faced woman Jensen had seen in the shop the week before, “and Isis here is her mom; you've met Misha before too and the lovely lady to your left is my mom, Angel.”
Both women were dressed very differently from they way his own mother and the other church ladies dressed, Isis in jeans and a purple velvet top and Angel in layers of gauzy stuff, that sparkled with tiny sequins which caught the light when she moved. Both of them looked so much more comfortable than his mom in her tailored suits or fitted dresses.
They all smiled at him but he didn't feel scrutinised or uncomfortable, as he quietly returned their greetings. None of them stared at him like he was a freak or even gave him more than the most casual of friendly glances. Still he hung back behind Jared, glad that his friend was taller, unconsciously leaning closer to him for support. Jared hefted the baby in his arms so that he was once more nestling the child into his shoulder.
“shall I hang onto her for a bit? Jen and I are just going to chill out in my room and maybe do some research for our Art class.”
Isis nodded, Sure, she'll let you know when she needs feeding again.”
Misha gave a lazy grin, eyelids hooded sleepily, although Jensen had a feeling suddenly that the man was actually a lot more awake and aware than he let on. Angel had Jared's warm smile and his tousled mop of hair but hers hung in long hennaed waves down her back. “Tell me if you need anything, Jensen, juice or something to eat.” she was looking at him strangely, as though maybe she knew him from somewhere.
“I . . .I'm fine,” he stammered and Jared smiled gently, placing a warm hand on the small of Jensen's back as he guided him through a long hallway. It was odd being touched like that, deliberately and gently but it made Jensen feel warm inside, the way Jared always made Jensen feel.
A large sign was pasted across Jared's bedroom door – Warning do not Enter unless bearing food! There was a picture of a sleeping tiger underneath it and Jensen smiled. Jared pushed open the door and ushered him in.
Jared's room was like nothing he'd ever seen, although the only other people's homes he'd been to were as involved in the church as his parents so he didn’t have much experience to go on. Where his own wall were stark and empty Jared's were busy, filled to overflowing with colours and imagery. Posters, pictures from magazines, photo's of the baby and more of his art work covered every spare inch of the wall. Instead of Jensen's neatly made divan was a king size bed with multiple pillows and throws tossed in an untidy but welcoming heap. A string of tiny lights like mini Chinese lanterns were strung over the head of the bed giving a gentle glow to the room.
Jared set some music playing quietly in the background and Jensen was impressed with how easily he did everything one handed, as though the tiny body that he cradled was an extension of himself. Jensen loved watching him move generally, he was so graceful and at home in his body where as Jensen himself often felt awkward and clumsy.
Jared settled himself down on the bed, leaning against the headboard and spreading the infant across his lap, she wiggled a little and he began rubbing gentle circles on her back. She looked tiny against Jared's large frame, his hands dwarfing her and yet he was so gentle as he soothed her. It made Jensen feel more at ease somehow that Jared's full attention wasn't focused on him, Like he had a bit of breathing space where he could check out his surroundings in peace.
Tentatively he sat on the edge of the bed, and Jared smiled approvingly.
“I know this is hard for you, I'm really glad you came.”
“Me too, I . . . I lied to my parents, Joshua lied to our parents. He's been . . . lying . . . all this time.” Jensen didn't know if he was making any sense really but Jared let him talk and he was grateful for that. “But I'm glad I came, I really wanted to see you, I was . . . I was really devastated when I thought I couldn't come.” Jared smiled, pulling the baby back up into his arms, she was sleeping soundly now, making soft little snuffly noises, her tiny rosebud of a mouth occasionally pursing up into the daintiest moue he had ever seen.
“Does the baby always sleep in here?” Jensen asked curiously.
“Nah, she has her own cot in Isis's room for when she wants it but usually we co sleep with her, Isis still feeds her at nights so the rest of us take turns looking after her during the day to give Isis a break when she wants us to.”
Jensen thought about his little sister, how she still cried herself to sleep at night and their father wouldn't let anyone go to her because she was old enough to find comfort in the Lord. She was just five years old.
“That's . . .” Jensen was at a loss for words, he hadn't had to put his thoughts into words for so long that he struggled when he was with Jared for his speech to catch up with his brain.
Jared was watching him curiously, “Are you okay with it? Remember what I said about asking questions? our family might seem a little odd to most people and I wouldn't expect you to understand it straight off. This is a safe place for you, you can ask me whatever you like.”
Jensen nodded, feeling really daring as he kicked off his shoes and swung his legs up onto the bed, edging upwards until he was sat beside Jared. He felt the heat rising in his skin and deliberately kept his eyes focused on the baby so Jared wouldn't see how flustered he was. He wondered if Jared actually realised how big a deal this was. He caught the baby's tiny hand, uncurling her fingers like flower petals, marvelling at the tiny perfection of her fingernails.
“Is she yours?” Jensen asked tentatively.
“Nah, she's sort of my sister, Misha is her Dad and Isis gave birth to her but . . .” Jared took a deep breath, “I'm going to be honest with you, Jen because you deserve that, I want to always be totally honest with you. Most people we just gloss over it but I want you to know.”
Jensen practically felt something break inside him at Jared's words, he had spent so long building up barriers between himself and the world. Just like that Jared had broken them down, made himself a doorway into Jensen's heart and soul. He knew he wanted to give something back but it was a struggle to know how to begin.
“I . . . I know what Dad and the others are like and I . . . I guess I just blindly accepted a lot of it because it was easier, I've made myself numb for so long none of it seemed to really matter but . . .” Jensen took in a deep breath, he hadn't said so much to another person in years. “I don’t like it when they judge people. I believe in God, I believe that he made this child and she's a perfect miracle so it doesn't seem right that he would judge Misha and Isis for not being married.”
He looked anxiously at Jared to see his reaction, Jared smiled and Jensen realised that somehow during their conversation they had shifted so they were touching, he was leaning against Jared's side and the baby was lying across them both. He knew it should feel wrong and terrible but it didn’t, nothing had ever felt so right.
“They are married, Jensen although probably not by any authority your church would recognise, they’re married to each other and so is Angel. They're all together.”
Jensen tried to get his head round it, but all he could think of was his parents stark room with its twin beds, the way they never touched and compare it to the happy domestic scene he'd witnessed as he arrived, the three of them happily chatting and sharing and making time for each other in a way that made him yearn to be a part of it.
“Keep asking the questions,” Jared urged, “you can ask me anything.”
“Is Misha your Dad, then? He doesn't look old enough.”
“No, you're right, he and Isis are both ten years younger than Angel, we kind of joke about it – I call him Dad and old man to wind him up but I was twelve before he and mom got together so I've never really seen him in that role.”
“So . . . he's like married to them both? And they don't mind sharing him?”
Jared chuckled softly but Jensen knew he wasn't being laughed at, just Jared was glorying in their conversation, was as happy and comfortable as Jensen himself was feeling.
“No, well, they don't share him, that would be a polygamous relationship, like the Mormons. This is polyamory . . . they each have two partners and it seems to work for them. They've all been together about six years now although Misha was our friend for a lot longer than that, it's kind of like Isis is the glue that holds them together.”
“Oh,” it was strange to even try and think about, he wondered if it freaked Jared out at all and he asked his friend how he felt about the arrangement.
“I did find it weird at first, mainly because I'd always had my mom to myself until then but its good, we're happy and we all love and respect each other which is a damned sight more than I can say of most families.”
Jensen flinched at the epithet and Jared chuckled, “I tell you my family is a bunch of weird poly-amorous hippies and you don’t blink; I swear and it makes you jump. There’s a question to ask yourself, why is that?”
“Because . . . well what you told me is so far out of the scope of the church elders imagination it's never occurred to them to ban it I guess.” Jensen gave a wry little laugh, “But swearing, well, there's a whole layer of torment reserved for those who blaspheme.”
“Does that feel right to you, Jen? That these elders are trying to figure out what God wants and force it on the rest of you?” There was no sting in Jared's words, he was just genuinely curious and it made Jensen stop to think it through carefully.
“Well I guess I’ve been trying to sort it out in my head, which are God's rules and which are my father’s . . . and it's all very different actually. The only thing I believe for myself is love, the greatest of these is love it says so many times in the Bible and that’s all I can hang on to at the moment,” he felt a lump rise up in his throat and his voice grew small and choked. “but that doesn't seem to have much place in my Dad's church.”
“I guess that’s a scary place for you to be in, yeah?” Jared's voice was softly sympathetic and Jensen felt conflicted, at the same time safer and yet more exposed than he'd ever felt before.
“Yes, yes it is and the scariest thing is the way my fathers rules somehow don’t seem very loving any more.” and Jensen closed his eyes, feeling the warmth of his friend beside him, the baby’s fist still tightly gripping his finger. The music swelled softly and even though he couldn't make out the lyrics he felt it resonate with something inside him.
Jared smiled gently as he looked at his new friend; Jensen looked so calm and peaceful, for the first time he was relaxed and Jared was able to see clearly how gorgeous the older boy really was. Up close Jared could see the fineness of his bone structure and the delicate smattering of freckles spread over Jensen’s nose. His eyelashes curled softly and Jared had to practically sit on his hand to stop himself from touching them. It had definitely been a good move to bring Sepphy with them, she had distracted Jensen nicely, given him something to focus on, a basis for his questions.
Carefully he moved away, sliding the baby into Jensen’s arms, Jensen was still obviously deep in thought because he smiled briefly and cuddled her close to him but didn’t open his eyes. Jared grabbed a sketchbook from the messy heap of stuff at the end of the bed and began to draw, wanting Jensen to be able to see for himself how happy and relaxed he was.
He had just finished the sketch to his satisfaction as the baby began to fuss a little, turning her head and mouthing at Jensen’s T-shirt. He chuckled as Jensen blinked himself awake and Jared realised his friend had actually dozed off for a minute.
“You won’t find anything there, sweetheart. Let's get you to your momma.” He closed the sketchbook and swung his legs off the bed. “Do you want to bring her through to Isis? I could do with a drink now myself.”
“Will they mind?”
Jared's brow furrowed, he was thrown by Jensen’s question, “What do you mean?”
“Um, well they gave her to you to hold, and they don’t even know me, I could be anyone.”
“Oh Jensen,”
Jensen's tone was so dead again for a moment, Jared realised he was back to parroting words that he'd heard over and over again, trust no one. Usually Jared had a lot of respect for the church and other people's religions but something about the way Jensen spoke made him uneasy about this one. It was as though his friend was brain washed, hardly able to think for himself until Jared had started prodding him.
Jared crouched down beside him and gently lifted Jensen's chin so that Jensen was forced to look into Jared's eyes, the colours in them seemed to shift so that Jensen couldn't quite pinpoint what colour they actually were. Now they looked dark, fathomless and made Jared seem somehow much older than his actual years.
“No Jen, you're a good person, anyone with half a brain can see that. They trust me and my judgement and I trust you, and so does Sepphy, don't you sweetheart?” And indeed the baby looked up with her mouthful of soggy shirt and gave Jensen a brilliant toothless grin and another piece of the ice in his soul melted away.
Isis took the little girl with a grateful smile, “Thank you boys, it was good to have some grown up time although I'm glad to have her back now, I'm feeling a little full!" Jensen followed Jared's lead in settling himself into one of the huge beanbags. He averted his eyes as she settled the baby in place and lifted her top and she gave a silvery little laugh, “It's okay, sweetheart, I'm very practised in the tasteful draping of scarves! I promise you won't see anything that might scar you for life!" Angel sat on the other end of the couch, pulling Isis's feet into her lap and Misha was already busy making drinks. He didn't ask what the boys wanted but put a steaming mug down on the low table in front of Jensen.
Jared gave a reassuring smile and Jensen thought he'd never seen a family who smiled and laughed together as much as this one. He took a cautious sip and found it to be something fruity and vaguely sweet but very comforting, even the steam that rose from the rainbow hued china mug seemed to make Jensen feel stronger. Jared snagged a couple of cookies from a plate as Misha tried to pass it to Jensen.
“heathen!” He admonished with a grin, “you should have better manners than that.”
“I know,” Jared spoke with his mouth full, “I blame it entirely on my peculiar upbringing and the lack of any decent male role models.”
Jensen watched them in fascination, he would never dare to talk to any adult like that, let alone his own father. He wondered how it must feel to to be able to do that. The cookies were as good as the tea and Jensen found himself reaching for another, it was as though his taste buds were waking up along with everything else.
Jensen heard the horn as Joshua pulled up downstairs and he put his mug down hurriedly, “That's my brother, I've got to go.” He felt genuinely reluctant to leave, had been happy for the first time in as long as he could remember. As he reluctantly stood up to leave Jared followed him and squeezed his shoulder, “We have Art first thing tomorrow, want to walk together?” Jensen nodded, “Please”, and then hurried to put his jacket on. As Jared opened the front door to let him out he pressed a piece of paper into his hand and Jared clutched it like a talisman, evidence that the evening had been real and not some fevered dream brought on by too much pain medication.
Jensen hopped into the car and wound down the window, afraid that his parents might smell the incense from the apartment on him. Joshua grinned at him, “Did you have a good night then?”
Jensen nodded as he opened the paper and found a sketch of himself with the baby asleep in his arms, his own eyes were closed and the words 'sleeping like a baby!' were emblazoned across the top in Jared's messy scrawl. He laughed aloud as he saw it.
“Oh man, are you stoned?” his brother asked suspiciously.
No, Jensen denied, “just . . . well I guess I’m happy, that’s all.”
In the night he heard his sister, Margaret crying, and he lay miserably in the dark listening to the heart rending sound. He remembered the soft sleepy warmth of baby Seraph and how good it had felt when she smiled at him. She hadn't cried once, not even when she was hungry and he realised how happy and secure she must feel, always loved and protected, nurtured and cuddled all the time.
He took a deep breath, he had felt the paralysing fear return the moment he walked into the house, his closed down front enveloping him like a mantle so that the time spent at Jared's felt like a dream already. He reached under his pillow for the sketch Jared had given him, the soft dry scrape of the art paper reassuring him.
The sound continued, muffled sobbing that she tried to control, knowing that no one would come. Jensen felt like he was suffocating, the night was oppressive and airless despite the breeze through the open window. Suddenly he felt that he wanted to fight it. Jared and his family, they so obviously loved each other, it was clear in every word and hug and casual endearment. Did he love his own family? He thought about it, it seemed such an ridiculous question, almost too obvious to have to ask, he did love them, of course he did. But then, Jared's voice in his head said, if you love her how can you let that baby suffer? And suddenly he couldn't stand it any longer and he knew he had to act.
Pulse pounding in his temples Jensen slipped out from beneath the covers and walked along the corridor, treading softly so as not to wake anyone and pushed Margaret’s door open. The little girl didn't even have a night light, he realised in shock, the dim light from the hallway showed her tiny tear stained face as she looked up at him in terror but her room was totally dark. She was small for her age, skinny and pale and he couldn't believe he had let her suffer like this for so long. He put his finger to his lips and pulled the door closed behind them and blindly felt his way to the bed.
“Hey princess, come here.” Endearments didn't come easily to him but they fell from Jared's lips as easy as breathing and it made Jensen feel warm inside so he used them now to try and calm his little sister. “It's okay, sweetheart, I've got you.” he sat on the bed beside her. She was obviously surprised at his actions but allowed him to pull her into his arms, he tucked the cover up around her and rocked her a little feeling the sobs subside almost instantly. “I had a bad dream, she whispered, “I was bad and the demons got me.”
“Oh sweetheart.” Her words stabbed him to the core, he had shut off from everything for so long he had barely been aware of her, she was as quiet and shy as he was, and she hadn't ever gone to nursery or kindergarten, had spent her days at home with mom or in the church.
He pressed his lips close to her ear, praying that their father would be too sound asleep to hear them. “shall I tell you a secret?” In the inky darkness he felt her whole body shake as she nodded vigorously.
“I think Daddy's got it wrong, there are no demons and you’re a good girl, the best little girl I know.”
“Really?” Her breathy whisper held out the glimmer of hope.
“Really.” He affirmed, pressing a kiss to the side of her face. “But its our secret, we mustn't tell him or he'll get mad.”
“I don’t like it when he shouts,” She agreed. “Or when he hits you..” He gave her a tight little squeeze. “I'm alright,” he tried to reassure her, “Don't worry about me.”
“But when will he start hitting me like that?”
And Jensen felt winded, he was out of answers, he wanted to say never, that Dad wouldn’t hit her because she was a girl but actually he didn’t know that, not for sure, his dad hadn’t started caning him until he was eight.
“Oh, princess, try to get to sleep okay?”
Her little hand clutched his arm, “Will you stay with me?”
He felt as though her fingers gripped his heart just as tightly as she held onto his arm. A wave of fierce protectiveness washed over him and he swore to himself if his Dad tried to lay a finger on her then Jensen would do whatever needed doing to stop him, regardless of the consequences.
“I’ll stay until you’re asleep, “ he promised. “But then I have to go back to my own room.”
She was a much heavier weight in his arms than Sepphy had been but still felt fragile and delicate, her bones felt bird like under his fingers as his hand spanned her back. Several minutes passed and her breathing was beginning to even out and she was sagging against him, her fingers finally loosening their grip. There was silence for a few minutes and he thought she was asleep when suddenly she sat up, twisting in his arms and pressing her lips to his ear, “God sent you.” She declared softly. “I said to God, please send me someone, I'm so scared, and then you came.”
He brushed a few loose wisps of hair from her forehead, even at night her hair was drawn back into two tight plaits because his father hated it if she looked untidy. He snuggled her in close to his chest for a moment, amazed at how easy it had been to settle her, wishing he'd done it sooner.
“I think you might be right. I love you, sweetheart, hush now though, it's real late.”
How sad to think that this was the first time he could remember saying those words to anyone, but his heart felt warm and full and he couldn't help but feel that he was finally doing something right as she started to snore softly. He lay awake for most of the night cradling her in his arms before creeping back into his own room just before dawn.
Chad was being a douche again, messing around before class and Jensen hated it. He knew that the boy was just an ass, there was no malice to his teasing but it still reduced Jensen to a trembling, blushing wreck. Already feeling rough with an impending migraine he was praying he would get through the lesson and get home before it really took hold.
He had come to class early, hoping that maybe Jared would be there already but he was practically alone with the skinny blonde. Always bored and on the look out for entertainment the skinny blonde was hyped up from lunch time and obviously decided that the best way to pass the time until someone else arrived was to wind Jensen up.
He started in relentlessly, asking Jensen why he didn’t have a girlfriend and then when he didn't . . . couldn't answer, teasing him for blushing and stammering.
Jensen shrank back behind his pillar, he always picked this seat deliberately, it meant that he had some physical protection form the rest of the group. Now though it meant he was backed into a corner, unable to move away as Chad got up in his face, he wanted to cry, and then felt even more stupid, a lump in his throat at the realisation of just how awkward and idiotic he really was. Suddenly Chad jolted in close and instinctively Jensen flinched back, his hand coming up over his face.
At that moment Chad was physically lifted out of the way, Chris's face was furious as he held the skinny blonde by the scruff of the neck. “You fucking ass hole! What the fuck do you think you are doing?”
And even though Christian had come to his aid it was still loud and aggressive and he wished the floor would open up and swallow him whole. His head was pounding now, pain blooming in front of his eyes and he was starting to shake so bad.
A gentle arm went round his shoulders, and he blindly allowed himself to be steered out of the way, he actually still had his eyes closed, so deeply was he turning into himself. He knew he was with Jared though, the warm spicy scent and the strength of the arms that were holding him were unmistakeable. He was dimly aware of the altercation still going on in the room but then Jared shut the door and there was blessed peace at last.
There was nothing but his migraine swamping him . . . he was floating away on it, a tidal wave of pain was crashing over him and his legs could barely hold him up. Last time this had happened the college nurse had called his father to come and get him and Alan had been furious, he'd screamed at Jensen all the way home as the pain had bloomed and intensified, blinding him with it and leaving him bedridden for a week.
This felt different already though, Jared was holding him up and rubbing soothing circles on his back and up his neck, gradually the pain was receding and soon he was able to open his eyes. Blinking against the light but able to see and focus. There was a small supply closet at the back of the classroom and this was where Jared had taken him. They were standing in the middle of it, surrounded by the shelves of supplies and stacks of paper.
“Sorry,” Jared apologised, “I just wanted to get you out of there quickly.”
“It's okay, th . . . thank you . . . I . . .” he looked at the floor, feeling small and stupid again.
“Hey,” Jared's hand fitted the curve of Jensen's jaw like It was made to be there as he lifted Jensen's face to look him in the eye.
“Chad's an idiot, and you're feeling crappy anyway, I can tell. Migraines are horrible, my mom used to get them.”
Jensen nodded, grateful for Jared's gentle understanding although he wasn't sure how Jared had guessed that he wads feeling ill.
After a couple more minutes there was a quiet tap on the door, “Is everything alright, boys?”
“Sure,” Jared answered easily and opened the door, to see the concerned face of Ms Hamilton, she wasn't much older than them really, this was only her second year of teaching but she knew her stuff and cared deeply about her students.
“I've sent Chad home for the rest of the day,” she offered, “I'm sorry, he gets a bit out of hand sometimes but I don't think he was being deliberately malicious.”
“It's okay, everything’s cool now, isn't it, Jen?”
Jensen nodded, still not trusting himself to speak but at least now feeling as though he could cope with with rest of the lesson.
Their classmates were studiously working, not looking up and Jensen was glad of that, he couldn't cope with being stared at, whether in pity or sympathy. As they moved over to their normal seats Chris stood up, “Wanna swap, Jay?” He offered and Jared nodded, Jensen was still shaky but just the thought that Jared would be close by made him feel better already and he gave Chris a grateful smile as he and Jared rearranged their easels and belongings. He didn't actually get much work done himself but he watched Jared work; using the charcoal in broad, confident strokes to complete his piece and marvelled at the way his pain had practically vanished. All that was left to show for it was the faintest of tensions in his forehead.
As they packed up Jensen was afraid he still felt too ill to eat his lunch and figured maybe he'd sign out sick and head on home but Jared stopped him.
“Come and eat with us?” he pleaded, “just for a little while?” and Jensen nodded, ignoring the pointed looks that Reuben was giving him, not wanting to let Jared down.
They found a relatively quiet corner of the grounds to sit in while they ate, Chris was talking about his boyfriend and it made Jensen start, his friend was always surrounded by so many girls it had never occurred to him that the other man might be gay. He sounded so warm and affectionate as he spoke of his friend, it made Jensen feel sad that he didn't have anyone to talk that way about him.
He liked listening to Chris and Jared talk, their voices a gentle hum and they spoke back and forth, listening respectfully to what the other was saying before answering. It was actually quite soporific and he felt sleepy in the heat of the afternoon sun, unconsciously sliding down until he was leaning against Jared's arm, when he caught himself he moved to sit up but Jared gently pulled him back into place so he stayed, feeling as relaxed and happy as he could remember in a very long time. A very different way to the one he'd expected to spend the afternoon.
One handed, Jared reached into his bag and fished out a small tissue wrapped package, he handed it over to Chris with a grin and a “Happy Birthday for the weekend, man.”
Jensen watched with interest as Chris unwrapped the gift; a round, beaded pendant set with a turquoise stone hung on a black suede cord. “Angel made it,” Jared grinned, “She says you need more turquoise, it's a Cherokee thing apparently.” Chris laughed, “It's awesome, you’re so lucky, your mom's really cool. Say thank you for me.” He packed up his lunch things and checked his phone. “shit! I promised Steve I'd call him, we've got a gig tomorrow and we need a rehearsal tonight.”
Jensen was quiet after Chris had gone, he was afraid that Jared would leave soon as well and he wanted to prolong this time as far as possible.
“Are you feeling better now?” Jared asked carefully, “I'm sorry this morning was so crappy for you, Chad's a real douche isn't he?”
Jensen nodded cautiously, “I didn't handle it very well though,” he admitted. “I wish I wasn't such an idiot, I hate it when I freak out like that.”
“You're not an idiot,” Jared denied vehemently. “You were feeling ill and you haven't been taught the skills to handle a situation like that, it's not your fault.”
Jensen had never thought about it like that before, his only real experience of conflict and aggression was his father’s behaviour, he hadn't even realised that you could be taught to deal with stressful situations.
“My headache went away though, did you do that? It happened before when you hurt your ankle.”
“Kind of,” Jared admitted, “although that time it was probably Misha not me. It's . . . its kind of hard to explain. Basically you have energy, we call it chi, running through your whole body, yeah?”
Jensen nodded,
“well, when you're hurt or sick the energy flow becomes blocked, so I try and focus on clearing the block and getting the balance back. I know it sounds like hippy crap but it works.”
“no, Jensen denied, “not crap at all, I . . . I could feel it happening today, that’s why I asked.”
Jensen knew his next class had started but there was no way he could face it, he wasn't ready to leave the quiet corner he and Jared had found for anything other than going home to sleep. He was actually more than a little afraid that if he wasn't physically touching Jared the pain would return. Jared seemed quite content to stay where they were too, he was leaning against the broad, smooth trunk of a massive tree, where Jensen was shaded from the intensity of the sunlight and Jensen was still leaning more against Jared than he was the tree. It was a good feeling after all of this time to have someone touching him in friendship. He closed his eyes, enjoying the closeness.
“Hey, sleepyhead,” Jared teased, “Am I really that boring? Are you going to fall asleep on me every time we're alone together?”
Jensen blinked, “I . . . I don't know why I do,” he admitted. “Usually I never sleep very well.”
Jared gave a pleased little smile, “I guess I must make you feel relaxed then, that's a good thing, yeah?”
“Yeah,” Jensen agreed softly.
“Hey, I nearly forgot, this is for you.” Jared reached back into his bag and brought out a second little package, “I made it for you myself,” he said, almost shyly and Jensen was touched, nobody had ever made something just for him before.
He took it reverently, unwrapping the gift carefully, “It's beautiful,” he breathed and it was, a tiny rainbow made out of little glass beads, set in a turquoise beaded web like Jared's tattoo, hung with tiny silver feathers.
He traced the little medallion then feeling very daring, traced his fingers over the inked black lines on Jared's arm.
“I'm sorry, I'm stupid, I don't know what this means.” he apologised.
“Not stupid, Jensen, its only stupid if you don’t know and you don’t want to know. It's a dream catcher, traditionally it traps all the bad dreams and only allows the good ones through. I tried to fill it with blessings, I wanted you to have something good to keep the nightmares away.”
Jared shivered as Jensen continued to trace over the inked design and goosebumps rose on his skin despite the heat, Jensen wondered at the effect he was having on his friend.
“I had it done for our eighteenth birthday,” he said softly and for a few minutes he looked a little lost and far away.
Jensen was almost sick with disappointment when Jared didn't show up to class on Friday, they had had such an amazing week together, Jensen couldn't remember the last time he'd felt so happy, the times with Jared made him feel alive again. He kept the little beaded medallion in his wallet, afraid to leave it at home in case his mom found it. He liked the idea of keeping it with him anyway, knowing that it contained Jared's prayers for him, that his friend had made it just for him, it made him feel special.
Jensen was barely able to focus on putting the finishing touches to his piece. He found himself looking at it with fresh eyes though and found it wanting. Technically it was good, he could see that, but it was soulless in it's precision, too neat and clean. He wished now that he had time to tear it up and start again but he needed the passing grade, his father had threatened to pull him out of college and make him work full time at the lumber yard if he flunked any of his classes.
He sighed, his thoughts drifting and Chris tapped the desk to get his attention as their tutor begin to wrap up for the session. “Now, I know some of you are still finishing up on the still life project but I'd like you to start thinking about your next project which is going to be a collaborative piece looking at working in 3d. While I hand out the assignment I'll pass round a sign up sheet for you to write down your pairs on. Any trouble sorting out who you're going to work with, have a chat to me about, okay?”
Jensen was literally shaking, his hands trembled as the page came round, it was almost unthinkable for him to write but the urge was impossible to resist. Ms Hamilton stood beside him and put her hand gently on his shoulder and Jensen had to struggle hard not to pull away, apparently the being okay about being touched thing only extended as far as Jared.
“Is this going to be a problem for you, Jensen?” She asked softly. “I'm sure we can find a different project for you to get your credit from.”
“No,” he whispered, his throat felt as though every drop of moisture had been leached from his body. “No,” he said again more loudly. “I'll work with Jared.” And he was suddenly composed, and as she beamed her approval he was able to calmly write their names, Jensen Ross and Jared Padalecki, and it looked so right that he was actually able to meet her gaze and return her smile.
When he got home his mother was preparing supper but she looked tired and pale and part of him wished that he hadn't started noticing things. He wondered what she would do if he put his arms around her but he didn't dare. She so often backed his father up he didn't feel able to open up to her. It suddenly seemed like there was a line drawn in front of him with his father on one side and himself and Jared on the other. He didn't know which side of the line his mother stood. He was filled with sorrow over the fact that she was such a cypher to him.
Margaret was sitting up at the big table, watching their mother work as she use pencils to colour in a bible colouring book. It looked impossibly neat for a small child's work, he realised, everything within the lines, and all in correct colours. It made him sad all of a sudden to see her so quiet and repressed, he wanted to hear her laugh, wanted to take her to the studio at college and help her splash paint in bright messy splashes, wanted her to taste the cookies that Misha made that were more chocolate than cookie. He forced his gaze away from her and back onto his mother.
“Uh, mom I have to work with a partner for my next Art project. May I go and study with him for a couple of hours this afternoon, please?”
“Is it someone from the church?” She asked sharply.
“um . . . no, Reuben and Michael were already working together, this is a new kid who's just moved into town but he's a good boy, Momma. He doesn't cuss or smoke or anything.”
“well, I guess it would be alright, as long as it's just homework you're doing.” she said slowly.
A small finger poked his thigh and liquid green eyes just like his own looked up at him imploringly, he smiled down at her, blipping the end of her nose with his finger tip. “Uh, Momma, Jared's got a new baby sister, may I take Margaret with me? She could play with the baby while we sort out our notes.”
“well, I am going to Ruth's for the stitching group this afternoon and I was going to take her with me but If Margaret promises to be good she can go with you instead.”
Jensen loved the feeling of her little hand tucked into his and felt guilty for all the times he could have spent with her when he was too wrapped up in his own head to notice. As they walked up the street she was practically skipping with excitement. “Is this an adventure, Jensen?”
“Yes, Margaret, I think it is,” he grinned as she bounced up on her toes too peer into the Aladdin's cave that was the shop window.
“Do you think, that if we're on an adventure you could call me Maggie? Sometimes I pretend that's my name, or Princess like you called me the other night. I liked that too.”
“Okay, Princess Maggie, it's a deal. When we're on adventures you can be whoever you like.”
And it sent a buzz of excitement through him too, every moment he spent with Jared felt like an adventure and Jensen was finding out more and more about who he himself wanted to be and that was an adventure in itself.
Isis was running the store when he got there, chatting happily to a couple of teenage girls about whether they needed to be buying tarot or angel cards but she paused and greeted Jensen as warmly as always, giving him a brief hug and complimenting Maggie on her pretty dress before telling them to go on upstairs.
Jared was sitting at the kitchen table with Angel, he was sorting little round pots of glass beads into colours, holding them up to the light and handing over the ones that his mom asked for. Sepphy was laid on a blanket on the floor close beside them. She lay beneath a brightly coloured baby gym cooing loudly and blowing raspberries, Maggie immediately dropped to her knees beside the baby and began to play with her.
“Hello Jensen, honey; it's good to see you again,” Angel smiled warmly as she welcomed him. Jensen smiled shyly back, tongue tied now, as though he had used up all his courage in coming here in the first place. Jared gave him a huge grin that lit up his face and made his eyes sparkle even more.
“I'm sorry I missed class this morning, I had to manage the store for a couple of hours, everyone else was busy.”
“We . . . I . . . I thought.” Jensen shook his head hopelessly , “is it a bad time? I shouldn't have come.”
“Hey, Jen, no!” Jared stood up and gave Jensen a brief hug wrapping him up for a few seconds before tugging him to sit down. “I'm so glad you're here, you can't imagine. It really sucked missing Art today 'cos I'm almost ready to turn my project in, but mostly because I wanted to see you.”
“You did? Why?” Jensen couldn't help himself asking.
“Because I like spending time with you of course.”
Jared's words sent a heady rush fizzing through Jensen's body.
“That's lucky”, he said with a grin, feeling daring at bantering with Jared like this and loving how natural it felt. “I came to give you our next assignment, we have to work in pairs so I chose you.”
“that's awesome!” Jared's response was so immediate and genuinely gleeful that Jensen couldn't help but return his grin.
Maggie came to stand beside him, her little face looking even more pale and pinched in comparison to Jared and Angel's healthy tans.
“The baby's gone to sleep,” she stated in a quiet whisper, “may I sit up now, I'll be quiet, I won't disturb you.”
“Hello sweetheart, what's your name?” Jared smiled as he wrapped an arm around her waist and hiked her up onto his lap. Her eyes went big and round in shock and she went rigid in his grasp.
“It's okay, Maggie,” Jensen reassured her, “This is my friend Jared, he's real nice, he makes adventures happen.”
She nodded but her thumb went into her mouth and although she stayed where Jared had put her she still held herself tensely. Jared looked helplessly at Jensen who just swallowed miserably, he just didn't interact with his sister enough to know what the problem was.
Angel saved the situation, holding out her hand to the child she said, “Why don't you come to me, Maggie? I’m Angel. Look, I'm making pretty necklaces, would you like one? You can pick all your favourite colours and we'll make it together.”
The child once again looked to Jensen for guidance.
“We. . . uh, Margaret's not allowed to wear jewellery,” he explained softly.
Angel looked at him keenly, “But is Maggie?” She asked.
Maggie's eyes were already looking longingly at the sparkling pots of colours, “I guess,” he said, chewing on his lip as he thought of what his father would say if he knew; then smiled and nodded, this was meant to be an adventure after all.
“Princess Maggie should be allowed anything she wants.” he declared with a smile and a gentle squeeze to her arm. At his touch the little girl scrambled down from Jared's lap and circled the table to be by Angel.
“Good.” Angel smiled, already fixing a plate of cookies and pouring milk into a pretty purple and gold glass as she pulled a second chair up beside hers. “And when we're done we'll find you a special box to keep it in for whenever you come here to play.”
As soon as the child moved Jared stood up abruptly and headed to his room, Jensen watched him go, still chewing his lip in concern. He was worried about Jared's reaction and he desperately wanted to be with him but was afraid to leave Maggie, the tension over the conflict made a tic begin in the corner of his eye and he knew he was close to grabbing Maggie and running for home.
“It's okay, Jensen.” Angel soothed, “I'll look after Maggie. you go on after Jay, he'll be okay, I promise. Can you remind him he's meant to be getting ready to go downstairs to help Misha lead the healing Circle in a minute.”
Jared's bedroom door was open so Jensen figured that meant Jared wanted him to go in, he still felt weird about it though. His Dad was so big on privacy, no one really went into anyone else's rooms much in their house.
Jared was sat cross legged on the bed, his face in his hands, and Jensen stood in the doorway and watched him helplessly. “I'm sorry?” he offered softly.
“Ah fuck! Jen. It's not your fault.” Jensen startled at the vehemence of Jared's expletive and he could see Jared making a visible effort to calm himself down.
“We . . . uh . . . We're not big on touching in my house.” Jensen tried to explain. Whenever he spoke to Jared about his father he felt disloyal, like he was letting the family down but right now it seemed worse if he'd done anything to upset his friend.
“My Dad says it's unhealthy, makes you weak and leads to sin.” He gave a nervous smile, still anxious at how tense Jared still was. “Pretty much anything leads to sin as far as he's concerned really.” He volunteered, watching as Jared assimilated the information. “Maggie, she didn't mean . . . it was . . . well I shouldn't think anyone's held her on their lap like that before, not since she was a baby.” He suddenly remembered what Angel had said. “Your mom says don't forget you need to go help Misha soon.”
Jared stood up and shook himself, “Okay, this conversation will have to wait then, I need to focus if I'm doing that.” And to Jensen's shock Jared shrugged off the shirt he was wearing and slung it in a hamper before pulling a white linen top from a drawer. Jensen couldn’t help but stare, Jared looked so sculpted and perfect, still lanky but already filling out and growing in to his height. Jensen felt bad for staring but somehow couldn't bring himself to look away, his mouth suddenly dry. Jared didn't seem at all concerned though as he tugged the shirt down over his head. “You want to come too?”
Jensen's eyes widened, He hadn’t even thought about it, could imagine his father's wrath if he knew his son had even visited this heathen place, let alone that Jensen had joined in one of their pagan ceremonies. And yet. . . part of him realised he was only parroting his fathers views and opinions, that he didn't actually know what he believed himself. He was curious though and he could feel himself wavering.
It's just a healing circle, Jen'. We're not summoning Demons!” Jared's teasing was gentle but behind it Jensen could see an undercurrent of something else. Jensen was good at reading people, he needed to be to help him anticipate his parents wishes as soon as possible but this was different, this was . . . he blinked and allowed himself to fully meet Jared's steady gaze. Hope, longing, Jared wasn't just suggesting he tag along, his friend really wanted him to be there. He nodded hesitantly, “Yes, yes okay, as long as it doesn't go on too long. We've got to be home before my Dad gets back at six.”
“Here, put this on.” Jared found another shirt, similar to his own and tossed it on to the bed, Jensen looked at him dumbly. Being with Jared made him feel like he was permanently on the edge of a precipice, Jensen was never sure when he would fall in. Right now going along with Jared's suggestion felt like deliberately throwing himself off the edge.
Jared's voice was patient as he explained. “Misha tends to burn a lot of Sage to cleanse the energies in this sort of work, I actually quite like it but it does reek! If you borrow one of my shirts now then you can change back again before you go home, saves having to answer awkward questions.” Jensen nodded, surprised and pleased at Jared's thoughtfulness.
Jared looked at him, obviously expecting Jensen to change as easily as he had done himself but it seemed like a much bigger deal to him than it was to Jared to just strip off like that. He didn't think he'd ever taken his shirt off in front of anybody since . . . well, he didn't even like to go swimming any more. Sensing his nervousness Jared gave him a reassuring smile. “I'll go check on the girls, you come out when you're ready.” and he headed out towards the kitchen, leaving Jensen to change alone.
Jared led him down to the store and through a doorway into a small room that contained a couch and a coat rack and little else. Jared slipped his shoes off so Jensen followed suit. Jensen watched as Jared stood still for a moment before he gently pushed the door open to usher Jensen into the larger room. “this is the Ritual room,” he explained softly, “where we hold groups. There are therapy rooms through the other way for individual work and Mom's Reiki and stuff but for large groups like this one and the yoga we use this room.” Jensen swallowed and nodded, completely beyond speech, fear made him feel like goosebumps were prickling every inch of his flesh and he was icy cold.
“If it gets too much just leave quietly and go back upstairs to Angel, I'll be there as soon as I can. Jared gave his hand a reassuring squeeze, “This is the point where I would ask you to be quiet and respectful but I've never seen you be anything else.”
As they entered the room Jensen stared round in wonderment, he didn't know what he had expected, something like the church rooms he guessed but this was . . . well, it was beautiful, the blinds were drawn and the room was only dimly lit by a few candles. Soft rugs and cushions were laid on the floor to form a circle round a low table which held the candles, flowers and several other things that his eyes struggled to make out in the dim light. Misha held a smouldering bundle of herbs and as they walked in he carefully moved it around them so that they were bathed in the smoke.
A couple of people were already there and Jensen was surprised to see Chris with an older blonde man sat cross legged on the floor. Chris smiled but Jensen felt too stunned to do anything in response. Jared tugged his hand lightly to sit down next to him and Jensen closed his eyes, suddenly feeling the atmosphere of the place begin to calm him. It was as though all his tension and fear began to drain away. When he opened them again the room was nearly full and he was afraid that he might have missed something while he was zoned out but a quick glance at Jared showed that his friend still had his eyes shut and a look of relaxed concentration on his face.
As Misha came to sit down and complete the circle Jared opened his eyes and gave Jensen's hand another comforting squeeze. In just those few short minutes his friend's demeanour had completely changed, Jared now seemed completely relaxed, calm and focused. Misha gave a brief welcome and then asked Jared to start. Jared rocked forward onto his knees and held his hands out, palms facing upwards. His voice was clear and direct even though he spoke quietly.
“I call on the spirits of mother earth to be with us in our circle today as we call for healing, both for her and for ourselves. Let us be mindful as we honour our walk through this world, holding always in our hearts the five sacred things . . .”
It should have felt terrible, Jensen waited for himself to begin to burn with shame and disgust at it all but he couldn't, not when he felt so safe and so calm. Not with Jared sitting next to him looking so tranquil and sincere, the words that he was speaking felt more true to Jensen than anything he had heard in a very long time.
“Blessed be.” Jared finished and it was gently chorused by everyone else in the room.
“Thank you, Jay.” Misha smiled and everyone seemed to become more alert somehow. Like the shuffle that went through the congregation when prayers were over but with more anticipation as to what was coming next.
First they went round the circle, each person saying their name and why they were here, what they were hoping for from the session. When it came to Jensen's turn he froze for a second not able to speak but Jared smoothly took the speaking stick from him merely saying “this is my friend, Jensen,” before going on to give his own details. And as a few of them nodded or smiled in welcome Jensen was able to relax as he realised that no one here was going to judge him or make him feel small.
Misha talked a little then, with a quiet passion about the earth and how we had to respect her and try to heal the damage that had been done to her. There was no point wasting energy in blaming people, we had to move on and do whatever small things we could. He talked about the bees and the fact they were leaving, how honey was a great tool for healing and nutrition. He asked his audience to have positive intentions in their hearts to keep their own lives as free from pesticides as was possible, to plant the scented flowers and herbs the bees loved.
Jensen thought of the noise involved in church sessions, though the music was sometimes nice all too often it was too loud and out of tune, interspersed then by his fathers shouted rhetoric or one of the other elders ranting.
The peace here was wonderful, it made it so much easier for Jensen to be able to really hear what was being said, to relax and enjoy the atmosphere.
They sat in silence for a minute as Misha explained that he wanted to lead them on a guided visualisation and asked them to get comfortable. Jared wriggled back so that he could lean against the wall so Jensen followed suit, several people including Chris's friend lay down, Chris himself stayed sitting with his legs crossed, hands resting lightly on his knees; the turquoise pendant glittered round his neck and he looked more at home in his own skin than Jensen had ever seen him.
“Close your eyes,” Misha instructed, “And take in a deep breath. As you let it out slowly picture all your concerns leaving you on your breath. And again . . . and this time make the out breath last as long as you can . . . and focus on that rhythm and give quiet thanks for the miracle of your body.
When you are ready I want you to picture yourself on a cliff top, you're safe, not near the edge but you can see for miles, the deeper blue of the ocean rolling out as far as you can see until it meets the blue of the sky. Let that peaceful blue begin to fill your whole body, the cool and calm properties of it soothing away any tension and pains.”
Jensen had meant to come merely to observe but Misha's voice seemed to trigger something deep within him and he could see the scene unfolding in front of him exactly as the man described.
“You walk along the path, barefoot, the ground beneath your feet a little rough but only enough to make you feel alive and alert as you pick your way along the path. The grass that you walk on is springy and wiry and the path twists down to the beach, leading you down toward the shore where the waves are gently breaking. The further down toward the beach you go the sandier the path becomes and as you come fully onto the beach you stop to wriggle your toes in the sand, feeling the sun-warmth from it and the grittiness getting between your toes.
“You stay still for a moment on the sand, letting the sun warm you and love you, holding the earth who is our mother in your heart but remembering that without balance there is stagnation and our Father is of equal importance and the sun is his manifestation of His strength and love. You ask his blessing on you and on the earth as you continue your journey.
“As you round the headland you walk back up the beach leaving the sea behind you as you turn to face the forest. Just a few trees at first, salt spare and bent by the wind but the deeper you go the more dense it becomes until you are surrounded by green on every side and it is all pulsing and alive, humming with the energy of the sap rising in the plants and the insects working to pollinate and propagate.”
It was so real Jensen thought if he opened his eyes he would be there, could almost feel the undergrowth beneath his feet, he wanted to reach out and touch, feel the waxy shine of the lush vegetation.
“And you come through the trees and into a clearing, a grotto of moss covered rocks with a crystal clear stream trickling into a small pond. And now you can rest, sit beside the water and listen to our mother's voice as she sings to you through the music of the water.”
Misha's voice was beautiful he thought with amazement, like having someone narrate his dreams, just loud enough for people to hear clearly what he was saying but his tone was pure and gentle.
“You're thirsty now so you give thanks, and you scoop up a handful to drink, it's the purest, cleanest thing you've ever tasted and it quenches your thirst like nothing before. As you sit there listening you ask the earth what it is you need now to be healed, just listen in silence for the words to appear in your heart.”
The sound of the water filled his head, he had never felt such peace before and he found himself praying fervently, please, Lord, help me, how can I be healed, please help me. He felt the cool water taste in his mouth and the words “be open” seemed to from in his mind with an almost crystalline purity and he felt strengthened and empowered by the message.
After some time in silence Misha's spoke again, “Give thanks once more for your blessings but for now it's time to leave this sacred place, hold it's memory in your heart to revisit when you are in need of refreshment.
Slowly you make your way back through the trees, toward the beach, the heat of the sun has given way now to the cool of the evening, the first stars are beginning to glimmer in the sky and you cross back over the sand towards the cliff path.
Your sojourn in the forest has revitalised you and it is an easy climb back up the cliff to the headland where we started. I am going to count down slowly and when you feel ready you can open your eyes and rejoin the group.”
Jensen heard Misha's countdown with a jolt of pain, he didn't want to leave this beautiful place, wasn't ready to come back yet. He could hear the murmuring round him as people moved, yawned and stretched but he wasn't ready, he just wanted a little longer to rest.
Jared's hand was warm on the side of his face suddenly, his other hand on Jensen's knee stroking gently. “Come back to us, Jensen. It's safe to come back here.” Jensen wanted to take the feeling of Jared's tenderness with him into the dream-space but he could feel Jared gentle movements tugging him back into the room and he reluctantly opened his eyes, blinking and bewildered.
Jared sat back again but still kept one hand on Jensen's knee, making him feel like he was anchored to the world. Quietly they went round the circle describing what they had seen, the messages they felt they had been given. Chris talked about having to find his roots, reconnect with his heritage while others spoke of changes in lifestyle or behaviours. Jensen dipped his head when his turn came and Jared smoothly took over, talking surprisingly little about his vision, mentioning only that he had to listen.
Once everyone had finished speaking they discussed as a group what they were feeling and it amazed Jensen at how open people could be. As they drew to a close Jared leaned in to whisper, “If you want to go on upstairs and change I'll be there as soon as we've cleared up,” Jensen nodded gratefully, still not ready to talk to Chris or anyone else about what he had experienced.
By the time Jared arrived Jensen was wearing his own clothes once more and sat at the table chatting small talk with Angel as Maggie showed him the small stash of trinkets she and Angel had made together. Angels work was beautiful, delicately stitched works of art that were more than just beads. He longed to be able to have one for his mom but he knew that she would never be allowed to keep it. Maggie's sense of colour once given free reign obviously leaned to bright pinks, greens and silvers but she had still strung her beads in neat sequences.
Angel had given her a pretty carved wooden box and once the child had shown her finery to Jensen she carefully packed each thing into a dainty bag made of fine glittering fabric and placed it into the box for safe keeping. “Angel says I can keep it here,” she said fearfully but with a hint of defiance in her voice as though she was daring Jensen to try and take it from her. It actually warmed his heart to hear, she wasn't the little shrinking mouse that he was.
“that sounds like a good plan” he reassured. “Princess, we have to go soon, we need to be back before Daddy gets home from work.”
Her bottom lip began to quiver and Misha who had followed Jared upstairs said, “why don't you hang on just a little bit longer, have some tea, you need to decompress a little anyway, I'll drive you home in a little while. We'll make sure you're not late.”
Jensen sat silent, enjoying the feelings of calm and peace that he had brought back from the healing circle. He watched with a faint smile as the little family interacted, Misha was making drinks and finding cookies, Isis had come up from the store and was nursing Sepphy. Jared was putting the beads away into a storage carton and Angel was playing with Maggie's hair. The child had grown dishevelled during her afternoon but she looked happier and more relaxed than Jensen had ever seen her; although to Jensen it was quite obvious she had been doing something forbidden.
Angel was so gentle as she worked though, Maggie who so often cried out in pain when one of his parents did her hair sat docile as a lamb as Jared's mom worked, gently loosening the too tight plaits and carding her fingers through the silken strands until Maggie's hair framed her face with long soft waves that really suited her.
“Are you going to be okay?”
Jensen looked up with a start, Misha had put a mug in front of him and sat down beside him. Jensen didn't know if he felt safe or threatened, sandwiched between Jared and Misha, the older man still too much of an unknown quantity for Jensen to trust him yet. He felt a little like he'd left part of himself behind in the forest and the world was too bright and he had to force himself to concentrate on what Misha was saying. He shrugged, subconsciously angling his body towards Jay, towards safety and when Jared threw a protective arm around him, pulling Jensen close in beside him; Jensen went willingly.
“I'm sorry, I should have made sure you were better grounded.” Misha's voice was soft and sincere and Jensen wondered if any one here ever raised their voice in anger. Jensen shrugged and bit his lip, not sure how to responded.
“Grounded just means making sure you're centred, like . . in a good place mentally before you start.” Jared explained. “It's cool, you’ll learn, that is if you want to come again?”
“Please.” Jensen nodded. He drank a swallow of his tea, just straight forward ordinary tea this time. He was quite surprised actually, considering some of the things he'd had to drink while he was there.
“Thought you needed a dose of reality,” Misha said cheerfully before relenting in his intense scrutiny of Jensen and going to watch Angel who was still playing with Maggie's hair.
They'd moved to the huge purple couch and Maggie was practically curled up in Angel's lap like a kitten. Almost purring too, judging by the contented smile on her face. The look on Angel's face though was of pure pain and Misha moved in protectively behind her pressing a gentle kiss to the corner of her eye. “They have to get ready to leave, sweetheart,” he said gently and she gave a sad little smile and a sigh that sent splinters of ice through Jensen's heart. Even Jared was silent as he watched the scene play out and Jensen knew he was missing something huge.
Tenderly she began to re braid the child's hair, her fingers deftly restoring order to the wayward golden waves. Oblivious to what was happening Maggie yawned and snuggled in closer, “I wish you were my Momma, I wish I could stay with you.”
Angel physically recoiled for a moment as though she had been struck but Jensen could see her hands were shaking although she continued to work gently until Maggie's hair was neatly restrained once more.
With a sudden start Jensen realised the time, “We have to go, we have to go now! Misha please.” He jumped to his feet and Maggie rocketed up too with a little gasp of distress. Jared stood up as well but he looked grief stricken from Jensen to Angel and back again. She was still sitting on the couch, her face pale and her eyes closed. “Stay with your mom, Jared, it's okay,” Jensen instructed, too concerned about being late and the punishment that such a transgression would bring to worry about being alone in the car without Jared. “Come on, Margaret, we have to go, quickly.”
The last thing Jensen was aware of as he bundled his sister back into her jacket was Angel collapsing into Misha's arms as Jared knelt beside her rubbing her back. It was Isis who picked up the car keys and hurried down the stairs behind them to drive them home.
It was a holiday weekend so the store had been closed since the healing session on Friday afternoon, by the time Monday morning came around, Jared was feeling anxious and fidgety in a way that he just wasn't used to. He hoped that Jensen and his sister hadn't gotten into trouble for being late home on Friday but since Jensen didn't have a cell phone there was no way for him to find out. His thoughts had returned continually to his friend until it seemed too long somehow to wait until Wednesday when he and Jensen had their next Art lesson together. Really Jared knew he was just looking for excuses to go round and see Jensen just because he just wanted to be with the other boy. There was just something about being with Jensen that made Jared feel calm and centred, somehow complete in a way he hadn’t felt since . . . well, since he was a small child.
He found himself more than a little scared as he got ready, knowing how strictly religious Jensen's father was he didn't want to do anything that might put Jensen at risk. He knew his family were concerned too, the conversation had gone on long into the night as they discussed Maggie and Jensen’s behaviours, the way they both seemed so repressed and fearful. For Angel especially it had been really difficult, the little girl had touched a deep chord in her.
Jared repeated some of the stories he'd been told at school about the strict religious church the family belonged to but it didn't go all the way to explaining things, the way he'd noticed fresh marks on Jensen’s hand even though Jensen tried to keep them hidden. For Jared and Angel it all stirred up issues they had both thought long since over. Jared had replayed every scrap of conversation he'd ever had with Jensen over in his head and he tried to find clues, he wished he knew for sure what life was like in the Ross household, he couldn't believe such fear and repression could come from a normal, loving family environment.
Finally he had determined to go and see for himself how Jensen was, he could only hope that he wouldn't get Jensen into more trouble and he was careful to change into his most conservative clothing before he left. Picking a plain shirt with long sleeves that hid his tattoo and tying his hair back into a neat ponytail, even switching his brightly coloured converse for a pair of brown loafers.
Jensen was giving the accounts he was working on a final check when the doorbell rang, he knew better than to answer it though, his father always opened the door if they weren't expecting visitors. He was shocked to see that the caller was Jared and he jumped to his feet with a clatter, he father turned round and glared at him. Jensen's hands started shaking, he couldn’t stand the thought of Jared being exposed to his father’s wrath.
But Jared looked so calm and restrained, he had taken out his earring and his hair was tamed back in a tidy pony tail. Even the clothes he wore were understated and plain and Jensen almost wanted to laugh at how easily Jared was playing his father. He cradled Sepphy in a sling across his chest and the baby was smiling and cooing and looking just as adorable as she always did.
“Good morning, sir. I'm Jensen's partner in Art class this semester, Jared. I was wondering sir, since God has blessed us with such a beautiful day today whether Jensen and MAG . . . Margaret would like to come for a walk. I'm taking my baby sister to get some fresh air.”
The blood was pounding so hard in Jensen's ears he didn't even hear his father's response. It wasn't until Margaret tugged on his hand that he realised that their father had actually agreed to let them go. He hurried to find a jacket and help his sister into a coat, almost afraid that if they took too long his father might have a sudden change of heart. Actually the man seemed bored by the whole thing and retired to his study before Margaret had even put her shoes on.
“Oh my God! Oh my God! I can't believe that worked!” Jared was practically crowing with delight as they hurried away from the house. He reached into his pocket and brought out one of Maggie's necklaces and draped it round her neck. “Come on then Princess, I thought we could head to the park.”
Jensen felt like was caught up in a whirlwind as Jared laughed and teased, grabbing Maggie's hand he told Jensen to take her other one and he ran, dragging the pair of them along behind him then he showed Jensen how to swing the little girl between them and she shrieked in fear and delight, begging for more when they tried to stop.
They played with the two little girls until the children were tired then Jared bought ice creams and they sat on a bench near the swings to eat them so that they could sit Sepphy in the baby swing while they ate. The treats Jared had chosen were outrageous, piled high with chocolate sticks and rainbow sprinkles and Maggie had eyed hers nervously at first but was now tucking in enthusiastically, occasionally letting Sepphy suck dabs of it off her little finger as she had seen Jared do.
They rarely had ice cream in his house, food was fuel, it encouraged gluttony to have sweets, to add sprinkles and candy to an already extravagant treat was just frivolous. But to Jensen it tasted like heaven.
“You don't do anything by halves do you?” He smiled at Jared who had finished his already and was now sucking on the chocolate stick, letting it melt onto his tongue in a way that made Jensen want to stare and look away at the same time. He swallowed uncomfortably and concentrated on his own ice cream for a few minutes, it's milky sweetness making his mouth tingle. He wasn't able to eat even half though; unused to the sugar it made him feel jittery and odd so he handed it over to Jared to finish. Maggie seemed to have no such issues and had rapidly demolished hers, she was now gently pushing the baby in the swing cooing and chatting to her as she played.
“I'm real sorry about the other night,” Jensen said hesitantly. “I didn't realise that bringing Maggie round might upset your mom, I'm sure she didn't mean anything by what she said.”
“Fuck, Jen!” Jared looked so pained that Jensen barely even registered the curse.
“I'm s. . .”
“I swear if you apologise for something that isn't your fault one more time I'll . . . I'll . . . well, I don't know what I'll do but I'll ask Misha for ideas so it's bound to be terrible.”
Jensen smiled weakly, at least Jared wasn't looking so angry any more, his friend seemed to wear every emotion written across his face, moods changing so fast Jensen sometimes struggled to keep up. He looked down at his feet again, scuffing his feet against the rubberised safety surface. He clutched the edge of the bench, gripping the sun warmed wood to keep himself grounded. It was all too easy sometimes to lose himself inside his own head and he wanted to fully experience every moment spent with Jared.
Jared's hand gently covered his on the bench, Jared's fingers long and warm completely hiding Jensen's own. “It's okay to be confused by all this, Jen. It must all be so strange and new for you and I get that. I should be the one saying sorry. if I lose patience or get angry it's not with you, okay? It's never with you, just at what's been done to you.”
“Okay,” Jensen whispered, suddenly choked by the lump in his throat, he didn't know why Jared felt Jensen was worth spending time with but Jensen just thanked God that he did.
“It wasn’t wrong to bring Maggie with you on Friday, it was lovely, my mom really enjoyed spending time with her.”
“but she got upset,” Jensen objected, “and so did you.”
Jared closed his eyes and drew in a deep breath , Jensen waited patiently as his friend grounded himself. Carefully he moved his hand turning it palm up and threading his fingers between Jared's, he felt strange and daring initiating the move but he felt like it was the right thing to do and Jared rewarded him with a gentle squeeze of his fingers. Jen felt like he could stay like this for ever, the comfort of his (more than) friend beside him, watching Maggie laughing and free, playing in the sunshine.
Finally Jared spoke, his fingers tightening subconsciously around Jensen's and Jensen leaned in as close as he dared in so public a place.
“Jen, we haven't always been like this, Angel and me. A long time ago I was as scared and quiet and subdued as you and Maggie. My Dad was a drunk who beat us and hurt my mom over and over again.”
“Ohhh" Jensen breathed, “That's horrible!”
“It was,” Jared agreed “but at the time we didn't know anything else and my mom loved us so much. The times he wasn't around we were happy enough in our own way.”
“Then one night he wanted to go out for more beer and he'd been drinking for most of the day. He'd had some DUI's so he had one of those immobilisers fitted on his car, you know with a breathalyser fitted before the car will start?”
Jensen nodded, his heart thudding in his chest, this wasn't anything like he could have imagined, had believed that Jared had always been wild and free, it was so hard to picture him as a sad and scared little boy.
“So he came in and screamed at mom to come and drive him but she . . I dunno, wasn't fast enough or something so he grabbed up my sister and took her with him. We guess he got her to blow into the device and started the car with her still in it. He jumped the first red light and ploughed straight into a truck.”
Jared swallowed, looking again at Maggie who was now trying to teach the baby to blow kisses. “So when we see Maggie it hurts but in a good way because she reminds us of another little girl we loved so much. And it's why Angel is feeling fragile at the moment, because Sepphy too is a constant reminder now of her loss.”
Jared angled his body in towards Jensen and looked right into his eyes, Jensen was doing better at eye contact but it still unnerved him and he hated seeing the pain in Jared's gaze.
“Jen, the worst thing for both of us is seeing how withdrawn and scared you and Maggie are. It worries us that you're both being abused just like we were.”
“no . . . no.” Jensen's denial was instant but as Jared continued to look at him Jensen's certainty faltered, “We're not . . . I mean, she's not . . . it's not like that.”
Jared lifted Jensen's hand and turned it over carefully, exposing the painful looking welts raised by Alan's vicious punishment that morning. Jensen's cheeks flamed as Jared looked at them in silence. Jensen flinched, pulling his hand away. “It's my fault,” he insisted, “dad loves me, I'm just evil, he tries so hard to make me good.”
“Oh Jensen, no.” Jared recaptured his hand and held it again gently, “you're not, you’re really not.” He made a visible effort to pull himself together before continuing, “think about everything we've discussed, about God and life and everything? Look at Maggie – is she evil? Or Sepphy, or how about me?”
Jensen shook his head, “No of course not, never.”
“How old were you when he first did this, Jen?”
“Eight,” Jensen whispered.
“So in what two or three years Maggie's suddenly going to turn evil and it will be okay for him to do this to her?”
“I'll kill him if he lays a finger on her!” Jensen burst out, loud enough that Maggie turned round to see what was happening. He was trembling as all the implications began to wash over him.
“It's okay, sweetheart, we're just messing about,” Jared reassured and she nodded doubtfully before turning her attention to the baby once more.
“Why did he do it this time?” Jared asked gently and Jensen looked away.
“I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.” Jensen looked away now, unable to meet his gaze.
“Jen, listen to me, whatever you did, it didn't deserve this, I'm not going to judge you or think any worse of you.”
“I . . . I can't control myself okay? In the night . . . when I'm asleep I can't stop my head from dreaming about things . . . I should have more control.”
“Oh Jen, “ The despair in Jared;s voice was evident and Jensen hated himself for putting it there before Jared continued. “you're a nineteen year old boy, that’s kind of inevitable, especially if you don't uh wank before you go to sleep.”
Jensen stared at him dumbly.
“Do you even know what I'm talking about.”
Jensen shrugged his shoulders, cheeks still flaming. “Kind of but it would be a sin, leading to lust and overindulgence.”
“Do you know your voice goes dead when you start parroting back the stuff they tell you?”
Jensen shrugged again, “I've wondered but I don't know, not really. I . . . I've never touched myself deliberately.” He admitted.
“It's not wrong if you have a wet dream, Jen. He shouldn't be punishing you for that, promise me you won't let him do this to you again. Your as tall as he is, you can stop him.”
When Jensen finally replied his voice was tiny and hopeless, “But he's my Dad.”
Jared was so intrigued by Jensen, each time he spent with his new friend the more special the other boy became. He wanted to learn more about what made him tick though, he couldn't imagine what it was like to have your every thought and action dictated to you. More so than ever now he had left school and was at college he pretty much had the freedom to do what he wanted, obviously Angel and the others gave him guidance when he needed it but on the whole as long as it didn't hurt anyone else he could do as he pleased. Although the more he thought about it the more he realised that what he wanted was to help and support his family and he respected them so much that he would never take advantage.
Still that didn’t go far to explain why Jensen was the way he was, so uptight and fearful, the way he sounded so brainwashed sometimes when he repeated some of his churches teachings. Jared knew it would upset Jensen terribly if Jared tried to go to church with him, the brief meeting he'd had with his friends father the other week had been more than enough, but surely it couldn't hurt to go round to the building, maybe see if there was any literature that he could pick up, something to explain a little of what Jensen was being forced to believe.
The building itself was the first surprise, he and his mom occasionally went to church, the others too if they were in the right mood. The buildings he was used to were usually old but friendly, inviting somehow, Jared found just being in places that were frequently used for worship to be calming and soothing. This square concrete box was nothing like that, no posters to invite people in or inform them of service times, he'd have missed it if he hadn't spotted the small brass plaque to one side of the door. Assembled Brethren of the Lord.
He approached cautiously, and could hear music faintly coming from inside, a service was obviously in session despite the fact that it was a Wednesday afternoon. carefully he circled the building and found an open window where he could hear clearly what was going on, he hunkered down to listen, making himself as comfortable as possible in the warmth of the evening sunshine. The concrete was rough against his skin but he was soon completely distracted by the music from within.
The guitarist was obviously very talented and the music was truly beautiful, Jared could happily have listened to it for hours but gentle chords and soothing tones soon gave way to violent discord as a speaker took over, an elderly man from the sound of it, who spoke of the need to be watchful against the insidious evils of the modern world. “Now we call on Elder Ross to bring us God's message today.”
His voice gave way to a younger one, strident and hectoring that put Jared on edge instantly, he suddenly had a bad feeling, worming and sick in his stomach that made him want to run away but he forced himself to stay and listen to Jensen's father preach.
“Brothers, I call on you today to ponder on a text from Leviticus and those godless practices that put our children in daily danger of moral corruption. I plan to speak also of the terrible way in which these damned sinners subvert good Christian messages for their own ends, the rainbow, brothers is the symbol of Gods promise to us that he shall never again try to destroy mankind and yet I say to you that as these evil doers try to turn his own blessing against him it is as if they were spitting in the face of God. . .”
Jared felt sick, dizzy. No wonder Jensen was so torn up and confused if he was regularly subjected to this level of vitriol. He tuned out for a moment, dizzy and sick at what he was hearing, this was Jensen's own father saying these things, how could such a gentle and introverted person have come from such rabid hatred?
“. . . these homosexuals, the loose women who bear children out of the sanctity of wedlock, those that are tainted by the sin and corruption endemic in today’s society, they will all burn, Satan himself will visit them with torments grater than the human mind can conceive of. It is only us my brothers, only we who can stay pure and untainted that will be saved come judgement day, that is why we strive daily to keep our families pure, and so I exhort you once again, spare the rod and spoil the child, it is for you as heads of your houses to keep the unruly children in line . . .”
He couldn't listen any longer to it, he felt dirty just by being near that level of hatred, couldn't imagine how it must be for Jensen to live with that vitriol all the time. He wanted to throw up, his hands were shaking, he was about to leave when he was startled by a door suddenly opening close beside him. He leapt to his feet as Maggie came running out followed by a few other children of varying ages. Jensen came last, closing the door softly behind him, his eyes widening in shock as he saw Jared.
Jensen's voice was quiet but firm as he spoke to the children, “Okay guys, you have 10 minutes to let off some steam before we go back in for bible study.” The children dispersed quickly into the small shrub filled yard, although Maggie came over to give him a quick squeeze of his hand before disappearing off with her friends. Jared was still rooted to the spot, gasping in his distress, Jensen beckoned him further away from the building, “They won't hear us round here.” When Jared still didn't move Jensen grabbed his sleeve and physically tugged him round the corner. Jared couldn't even begin to come to terms with what he'd just heard.
“Were you in there for all that?” he asked softly, hesitantly, afraid of what his friend might think now.
Jensen shrugged, “sure, it's nothing new, it's one of Dad's favourite subjects, it's why I volunteered to take care of the kids so I don't have to hear him for too long. He's only just started warming up, he'll go one for ages yet.”
“There's so much hatred,” Jared said in despair, he felt as though he'd been physically assaulted, bruised and still totally nauseated. Jensen was standing carefully away from him, Jared wanted, no needed to be able to touch him but Jensen wasn't letting him get close enough. “Please. . .” Jared felt so lost, he was struggling still to process it all. “Jensen, Jen . . .I'm gay, he hates me!” he whispered.
“Go home, Jay.” Jensen said gently, and the nickname made him feel strangely relieved, that this was still his Jensen. “will you be able to come round later?” He asked, his voice still sounding small and pathetic to him.
“I'll try,” Jensen agreed, “Go on home now, in case any of the elders come out to check up on us,” And finally Jared staggered away, mind still reeling, feeling lost and hopeless, afraid now that he had lost Jensen on top of everything else. He hadn't meant to just blurt his confession out like that, however he might feel about the other boy their friendship was far more important to him than anything else. He was afraid that Jensen might reject him now out of loyalty to his father and his misguided beliefs.
Jared lay on his bed, huddled under a pile of comforters, he couldn't stop shaking, it had been too much for him to deal with. The loud, hectoring tones still ringing in his ears and bringing back memories he'd thought long since gone. The empty space in his heart was like a physical ache, he missed his twin so badly sometimes, even after all these years.
He was lost in his own misery, convinced that Jensen would be scared away for good now, that he had lost the first person he'd ever felt this way about when he heard the door open so softly that he knew it had to be his friend. He couldn't bring himself to move, afraid that Jensen had come to say good bye, that he couldn't be with him any more.
He felt Jensen sit on the bed and then a gentle hand wormed its way inside the comforter and Jensen rearranged the covers until he was inside the nest of blankets beside Jared. Lying so close, his eyes looking owlishly big in the semi darkness. Jared wanted to turn away, afraid of what he might read in his friends face but it had taken so long to get Jensen to make eye contact he knew he couldn't avoid his gaze now. Jensen pressed himself even closer, lean angles but surprisingly solid flesh warm against Jared in the gloom.
“What you told me today?” Jensen whispered. “It wasn't actually a surprise you know. I might be naïve but I’m not stupid.” He cuddled in closer and the pain in Jared's heart began to ease. “I think I kind of got the message the first time I saw you when you called me pretty boy, all the rainbows and the hand holding and the snuggling was just confirmation.”
“Oh, okay.” Jared didn't know how to respond.
“In case you hadn't noticed I held your hand yesterday too.” And his hand reached down and took Jared's larger one again and Jared clung on to it like a lifeline. “I . . . I've always known that I am too.”
“Oh,” Now that was sort of a surprise, it hadn't actually occurred to him that Jensen might be gay too, had just assumed that his friend was responding to him because he was so physically starved of affection.
“How can you bear it then? How can you listen to him say stuff like that?”
“Mostly I just tune it out,” Jensen admitted. “Sometimes I think he knows, that it's aimed specially at me but mostly I think he hates everyone equally. Women, gays, Jews, anyone who doesn't fit in to his narrow little world.”
They lay in the warm fuggy darkness, hands entwined, each lost in their own thoughts. Jared felt anchored to Jensen now, as though they were linked by more than just their joined hands.
“I . . . I think you're really special, Jensen,” he admitted softly.
“Yeah, I . . . I'm kind of ignorant about all this but I feel . . . I really like you too.” And Jensen moved then to put his arms round Jared, pulling him in close and just holding him. Jared was almost overwhelmed, choked by the emotions he was feeling, Knowing now how much it cost Jensen to be with him. Moved beyond words that after all this it had been Jensen who had reached out to him first, that Jensen was holding him and making him feel cherished and special.