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The Stars Call My Name

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I turn, you’re gone.  Sometimes it feels like I dreamed you into existence.  If you’re gone I don’t want to move, to get up today, but if I don’t I’ll never find you again.  Without you life is a dreary slog and just sitting up takes everything.  Then I turn, glimpse something you left behind out of the corner of my eye and I’m off kicking in frustration that once more you are gone.  When I catch you, I’ll never let you go.  I can’t let you go. 

Hey, I had a great time last night, but I’ve got to go.  I’ve got some skies to search and suns to seize.  Next time I’m in town we’ll have to hang out again and I’ll tell you all about it. 

Really? That note you left was just too much.  So I’m not enough.  You have to have the skies, leaving the earth and me behind.  What’s so amazing out there?  Every time you leave like that it just makes it harder and harder.  And yet, when you’re here it’s amazing and worth the pain that is sure to follow, since it has every other time. 

Oh, hey, didn’t expect to see you here tonight.  Have you seen the latest pictures?  They don’t quite capture the magic right, but they do a pretty decent job.  When you think of the vast infinity behind each star, each piece of light it’s just mind blowing.  Oh, want to go for a drive into the mountains and see for yourself?  Seeing it in person away from the city lights can be such a world changing experience. 

Wow, that night we shared underneath the stars was magical and every time we touched it seemed like lightning struck.  It felt like time was frozen while we were there and I got to see a little bit of the joy you take in getting so close to the stars.  It was amazing lying there with you and hearing the stories behind those glorious lights in the sky.  But now you’re leaving again and this time even farther away.  Why can’t you stay here with me?  Aren’t I enough?  Yes, those stars are special, but so are we and I don’t have the wings to follow you out there.  Stay! Please . . . You’re gone once more, nothing more than vapor vanishing at my touch.  I mourn, angry and frustrated, but what more can I do when the sky is more important than me?

I’m so glad you’re here; wait till you hear about this amazing opportunity!  So I was talking to this director at some boring office party and she told me about this fabulous opportunity.  It’s the stars and space and just makes me want to spin around and never stop.  Look at all the awesome things that this could mean!  Do you, would you want to come with me?  They have the perfect position for you and it would be great to be doing something together. 

She wants me there with her?  She’s willing to share her amazing opportunity with me?  Why?  She’s blinding in her brilliance, and I’m just ordinary, but how can I say no?  How can I turn her down?  I want to be there with her, I want to share this opportunity with her and help her touch the sky.  I can finally support her and be part of something so big with her.

It’s fallen apart, the dream job for us.  They just contacted me.  Apparently the donor that was going to sponsor the trip backed out and now there’s no money for it.  The stars gone just like that and all I can do is sit here and cry right now.  Sorry for making you see me like this.  It’s just, it would have so awesome. 

She cries and I cry with her, for her.  This dream of touching the sky together has fallen apart.  It hurts that we’re not going to have this dream after all, but I get up and keep us going until she’s strong enough to join me.  I share her sorrow so that she doesn’t drown in it, until she can once more face the world that killed her dream and find a new one.  When she does it will hopefully be one we can share together again and at first it seems like it is.  She was able to pick up a few small things and was there to support me in a little one that I’ve always had.  With her help it got off the ground and we have moments where we stare into each other’s eyes for what feels like forever.  I’m starting to think yes, yes this is it, it’s going to work this time and then BAM!

You’ll never believe what happened today!  I still don’t!  Sorry, I’m not going to be able to eat dinner tonight, I’ll be gone.  What an opportunity!  Pack, pack got to pack as soon as possible.  Sometimes I wish it was possible to move at the speed of light cause I’m never going to get everything done in time.  Here hold this.  I need to have it accessible, so I can’t pack it right now and I can’t forget it.   Susan called me this morning and told me to get my butt over to her office, so I did.  Apparently one of their people broke his leg yesterday and they need an immediate replacement.  She thought of me and so here I am, about to go on a crazy new adventure.  I never would have dreamed that I could get this lucky, cause this is a once in a lifetime opportunity.  Must run, she’s meeting me at the airport in an hour and it’s going to take at least 45 min’s to get there.  Bye!  I’ll give you a call when I land.

Gone again, why does it feel like every time I get my hopes up she leaves?  It feels impossible to move right now, like I’m rooted to the ground and that’s why I’ll never reach her.  That’s not true though.  I can leave, I can follow her.  May I can find a job near where she’d be and at least see her sometimes. 

Hey!  It’s great to see you.  Hadn’t realized how much I’ve been missing you till you were here.  Hey, why don’t you stay here with me?  Finding a decent place here is impossible until you know some people and it’ll be great to spend some time with you again.  We can explore the city together, it’ll be fun.  I am going to be leaving for a trip in a month, but if you’re staying here I won’t have to worry about the apartment. It’ll be great for both of us.

I thought being out here with her would be different, but she's still always leaving.  It feels like the moon calls for her and she flies away.  I try to convince her that our bed’s more comfortable, that I’m cold without her, but just as I think she might stay she leaves.  Night after night the pattern is repeated and all I’m left with is a rapidly cooling spot next to me.  There is magic here, though, with her and those times dim the bad.  We actually spend time talking and making plans together. It's even gotten to the stage where everyone knows that if one of us is invited to something, both of us are coming.  It was too good to last forever though, even if the ending wasn’t what I was expecting.  We had just gone out to eat at this awesome hole in the wall restaurant and were walking back afterwards holding hands and people watching.   One couple that caught my eye as we were passing by was probably in their 60’s and they were doing the exact same thing we were.  I pictured us as them in thirty years and it just didn’t fit.  I can’t figure out why, I caught the girl and I am happy right?  And yet watching that couple… I’m sorry.  I’m leaving and heading back tomorrow.  This isn’t working out.  Sorry.   I don’t look back because if I do I might stop and I can’t. I can’t.  She has her dreams and I have mine and they don’t match up after all.