Work Text:
1994
“Now don’t try to tell me this just happened by itself. You dropped the bloody thing, didn’t you, Williams?” Bodie looked at the young CI5 agent standing before him and waited.
Williams frowned, “It was Blake’s fault. She knocked it out of my holster.” He looked at his partner, a pretty young thing who stood there batting her lashes, the picture of innocence until they both burst out laughing.
“I see,” said Bodie, not sure whether to be alarmed or join them in the joke. Times had changed in CI5. There were almost as many women in the ranks now as men. That meant more mixed partnerships. And that opened the door to all sorts of misbehaviour. Bodie had already heard the gossip about these two, that their partnership didn’t end when a case was closed and they signed off. Watching them now he suspected it was true.
Cowley would be turning in his grave.
Yes, it was easy for lines to become blurred when you had a partner, someone you worked with every day, relied on, watched out for, trusted. It was easy to get hurt that way too.
“I had partner like you once,” Bodie said, interrupting the two agents from their own private joke.
“Yeah?” Williams asked, a faint hint of worry in his eyes.
“Yeah, always dropping his gun. Couldn’t keep it in his holster. The sight was constantly bent. It’s a wonder he could shoot straight at all.”
They both stared, blinking until Bodie grinned. “Don’t worry, easily fixed. Give us an hour and it will be good as new.”
“We’ll just pop out and get a coffee then,” Blake said, glancing sideways at her partner who nodded in agreement. She tossed her long fair hair back over her shoulders. “See you in an hour, Bodie.”
“Yeah, bring me back one, would you?” Bodie asked, “White, two sugars, and not that frothy cappuccino stuff.”
Williams and Blake rolled their eyes at each other. Bodie waved them away in disgust and bent to examine the gun. It was a Walther P88, an expensive weapon and not standard issue. Special order most likely and all the more reason to take care of it. Bodie shook his head. These young agents had no respect for weapons. Half of their crime-chasing involved computers these days. They didn’t value their firearms as they should. He wondered if they’d ever had a weapon jam on them, or been in a shoot out to the death?
Bodie caressed the weapon in his hands. Despite the obvious, he’d never seen a gun as a phallic symbol. They were too clinical for that, without feeling, a simple yet efficient machine, accurate, deadly. But there was a comfort in the cold metal, a surety. If you looked after it, respected it, it would never let you down. It wasn’t given to the vagaries of the human heart.
Something caught his eye on the desk, a phone that one of the agents had left behind, forgotten in their rush to have coffee together. Bodie sighed. Those two, Williams and Blake, were heading for trouble. You couldn’t afford to get involved with your partner. In many ways he was thankful that Doyle had called an end to their relationship when he did. They’d both have been vulnerable had it continued. Open to dangers both inside and outside CI5. He wondered if that last mission together, where they’d both been shot, had been partly his fault. Even then, with their friendship taking a back seat to Doyle’s marriage, Bodie had always had one eye on his partner, worrying about Doyle when he should have had both eyes on their adversaries. No, things had turned out for the best really. Doyle was safe and happy with a good life and a family. Bodie allowed himself a rare moment of sentimentality, remembering those two short weeks they had spent with each other. He’d wondered then if perhaps they might find a life together away from CI5, one that didn’t involve violence and killing. Doyle, at least, had that now and what more could you wish for the person you loved?
“Am I interrupting?”
Bodie looked up, startled, unable to believe his eyes. In the doorway stood Ray Doyle, large as life and twice as pretty, smiling at him as if no time had passed. Bodie rubbed his eyes. “Ray? What are you doing here?” He looked again, taking in the short greying hair and more solid figure. No, this was no dream, this was Ray Doyle a la 1994, but a welcome sight all the same.
“I was in town, thought I’d drop by.”
“You could have called,” Bodie began, but suddenly remembered that he himself hadn’t rung because certain things couldn’t be said over the phone. Was that it? Had Doyle come with bad news? Voice wavering Bodie asked, “Are you all right?”
Doyle smiled. “Yes Bodie. That’s what I wanted to tell you. I had the tests and just got the results back. All negative so there’s no need to worry.”
“Thank God,” Bodie whispered under his breath. “I knew you’d be fine,” he said in a louder voice. “So, how’d you get past security? It’s pretty tight here.” Even tighter than your jeans used to be, he thought wistfully.
“Paid the Stuart King a visit,” Doyle said, using the new controller’s nickname. “Told him I had to see you straight away. That it was important.” Doyle smiled, “I might have said ‘a matter of life and death’.”
Bodie shook his head, “That probably wasn’t wise. He’s going to think that you and me…”
“Let him think what he likes Bodie. I don’t care.”
“Well you should, you’ve got….”
They were interrupted by Williams’ and Blake’s noisy entrance. The two young agents stopped in the doorway and looked from Bodie to Doyle and back again.
“Uh, did I leave my phone here, Bodie?” Blake asked nervously.
“Yes, lo…” Bodie hesitated. You couldn’t call them ‘love’ anymore. That was not allowed in CI5. No, they were women and you addressed them by their surnames. Birds were a dying breed, in more than ways than one.
“Yes, Blake,” Bodie held out the phone.
Blake took it, sparing another glance between Bodie and Doyle. “Are you Raymond Doyle? Bodie’s old partner?” Blake asked, bold as brass. “I’ve read about you in the files.”
“Me?” Doyle replied, eyebrows raised, “Not me love, you’ve got me mixed up with someone else. The name’s Layton, Mark Layton.”
Bodie smothered a laughed.
“Sorry, my mistake.” Blake said. She and William’s left but their voices echoed all the way down the hall. “I tell you it was Doyle. They were Cowley’s number one team.” “Ray Doyle? The guy who was shot three separate times in the heart? Nah, he was much taller. Had really long hair.”
“Three separate times in the heart?” Doyle cocked his head at Bodie.
“Yeah, you know how these stories get distorted.”
Doyle smiled. “Sounds like we’re living legends, Bodie.”
“Living fossils more like it,” Bodie mumbled.
“Listen, I’ve only got a few minutes now, but I’m in town for a few days and wondered if you wanted to catch up over dinner? My shout.”
Bodie hesitated, not sure he wanted to leave himself open to more heartbreak. He’d made his peace with Ray Doyle’s memory, or tried to. He didn’t want to face it all over again. “You don’t have to, Ray.”
“I want to Bodie.” Doyle insisted. “I reacted badly when you came round. Let me make it up to you.”
“It was three months ago,” Bodie said, not willing to let his ex-partner off that easily. “You could have called before now.”
“Yeah, I know. But…there were things I needed to think about, work through, the tests, Samantha’s questions. It just wasn’t the right time.” Doyle’s eyes took on that pleading look that Bodie remembered so well. “I’m sorry Bodie, please say you’ll let me take you to dinner for old times sake?”
“Yeah, all right.” Bodie had never been able to say no to Ray Doyle.
“Good, I’ll pick you up. What time do you finish work?”
“You could pick me up here if you like. I usually catch the tube home. Get off at six.”
“All right, here at six it is. See you then.”
And Doyle was gone again. Just like that.
Bodie leaned his elbows on the table and put this head in his hands. Three months without a word. Three months waiting for the phone to ring, hoping that once Doyle had calmed down he would call and they could talk. Bodie had just about given up hope. And now here Doyle was, his own private incubus conjured by a stray thought, come to haunt his nights once more and drain his heart of whatever was left.
“Oh Ray,” Bodie whispered.
Part 2
Of course he had to be driving that bloody white Escort, Bodie cursed as Doyle pulled up with a screech. Some things never changed. He climbed in while Doyle double parked, hand on the gear stick, just waiting to race off again. Then it was first gear, second gear, third gear, fourth, the Escort racing through the streets, as Bodie’s thoughts raced backwards in time, remembering the old days, the good days. The days before.
“Where’d you like to go?” Doyle asked.
Bodie could think of a lot of places he’d like to go with Doyle. None of them were possible. “My local does a nice steak and kidney pie,” he answered, hoping his voice was steady. He gave directions.
“I was thinking somewhere more upmarket?” Doyle spared a critical glance at Bodie’s clothes as he changed lanes. “We could stop by your place and you could change.”
“Upmarket? You mean more posh?” Bodie laughed. “I’m buggered, Ray. I’ve been working since 7.00am. Just fancy going somewhere quiet where we can catch up over a beer.”
Doyle looked at him in frank appraisal. “How are you, Bodie? I’m sorry, I didn’t ask before.” There was worry in the green eyes now and genuine concern.
“I’m fine. I didn’t mean…” Bodie sighed. The car was probably as good a place as any to discuss this. “I’m HIV positive, Ray, do you know what that means?”
“Yeah, I’ve been doing some reading. It means you have the virus but it hasn’t made you really sick yet.”
“I found out when I had a blood test. I’d been sick with a stomach bug and it had taken a while to clear up. My doctor says I’ve had it for years and never realised. It’s only now that my immune system is starting to weaken.”
“So has he started you on any sort of treatment?”
“Yeah, I’m taking ddC and AZT, which should slow the deterioration. Apparently I’m in pretty good health really.”
“Must be all those bacon sandwiches then,” Doyle chuckled. But he turned serious again. “You’ll beat this, Bodie. They’re making breakthroughs all the time. You just have to stay positive.”
Bodie didn’t feel positive. “It’s still a death sentence,” he said, staring out of the car window. “It’s only a matter of time.”
“Christ, Bodie, don’t talk like that,” Doyle shouted as he swung the Escort sharply round a corner, tyres screeching, “Do you want to die that much? Because we could go like this you know, on the road. Just say the word and I’ll drive out to the country and wrap this car around a tree at top speed and we can die, together. That what you want?” he challenged, voice loud and brittle in the confines of the Escort.
To die together. The though had tempted Bodie once, when they both lay bleeding from bullets. But there was a difference in wanting to die because the one you loved was dying and wanting the one you love to die because you are.
“No, that’s not what I want, Ray,” Bodie shook his head and tried to turn it into a joke. “You make us sound like bloody Thelma and Louise. Christ I hate that movie.”
“Stupid bloody birds!” Doyle smiled. “That Brad Pitt didn’t look half bad though, did he.”
Bodie snorted. But as his thoughts stopped centring on himself, he began to wonder why Doyle would make such an offer. Was it just for shock value and not a serious suggestion or was there more going on in Ray Doyle’s head than Bodie realised. “That’s not what you want, is it?” he asked cautiously, “An end to it all?”
“Honestly?” Doyle kept his eyes on the road, not meeting Bodie’s gaze. “Sometimes I don’t know what I want. I’ve been thinking about the past a lot lately, thinking about all the things I miss. Not the killing, of course,” he dismissed that thought with a wave of his hand. “No, it’s the … companionship that I had with you. That’s what’s missing from my life now. I don’t feel…really close to anyone, anymore.”
Doyle turned his head and caught Bodie with wistful green eyes. Bodie looked away quickly, not knowing what to say. An uneasy silence settled between them. It was Doyle who finally spoke, his voice heavy with emotion.
“Listen, how about we get some Chinese or something and take it back to your flat. I don’t want to talk about this in public.”
“Yeah all right, mate.” Whatever it was that Doyle wanted to say, Bodie knew he’d have to listen. There was no avoiding it.
Part 3
“Nice place,” Ray Doyle said as he stepped into Bodie’s flat. “CI5 is finally looking after their people.”
“It’s not CI5 issue. I own it, bought it a couple of years back,” Bodie replied walking into the kitchen.
Doyle followed, looking around. “Really? I didn’t know.” The statement only emphasised how far apart they’d grown.
The Chinese was served out and beers were opened and they seated themselves at a small table which Bodie hurriedly cleared of magazines and medication. They ate in awkward silence until Bodie finally asked, “So what is it that you couldn’t discuss in public?”
Doyle never raised his eyes from his plate. “I’ve left Samantha,” he answered quietly.
“What?” Bodie exclaimed, voice rising to a near shriek. “Why?”
Doyle finally looked up but his green eyes were unreadable. “After your visit we argued.”
Bodie dropped his knife and fork, “You didn’t tell Sam about us did you?”
“Christ no!” Doyle’s voice rose too. “She dislikes you enough already. That would have been the final straw. But she wanted to know why you’d come and I …well I was still in shock, I could hardly think straight and I didn’t want to talk about it. I told her I had to have tests, said it was because of the blood transfusions we had back then. Remember?” Doyle shook his head. “Don’t think she believed me because she just kept on and on, saying things about you, about us,” Doyle looked away again. “She said that all our problems were your fault because you’d always meant more to me than she did,” Doyle ran his hand through his hair. “And we were standing there screaming at each other and I suddenly realised that what she was saying was true and I wondered why I was bothering to deny it.”
Bodie sat back in his chair and sighed, “I’m sorry, mate. I never meant to cause you any trouble.”
“Nah, don’t be sorry,” Doyle continued, “It wasn’t your fault. It’s been coming on a long time. Your visit just brought it to a head. Sam and I have had problems for years. She wants to live the high life and I just want to enjoy the quiet. It’s all about appearance for her, where you live, what you wear, the car your drive.” Doyle gave a hopeless little laugh and Bodie thought of the old Escort.
“The only thing we really have in common is the kids,” Doyle concluded. He paused and took a long drink of beer before proceeding. “This whole…situation…it’s made me do some thinking and face some things that I should have faced a long time ago.” He looked up, fixed Bodie with his intense gaze and pressed on hesitantly. “Back … when we were… together ... I couldn’t…accept that about myself then. That’s why I ran, Bodie, and yes, that’s exactly what I did, I ran from you, from what I was feeling for you, ran from it because I couldn’t face that about myself… that I could love a man,” his voice faltered, “That I could love you… So I chased after women until I caught one, Samantha, and told myself that a family with her would make me happy.”
“So what are you saying? Sam doesn’t make you happy anymore?”
“I don’t love her, Bodie,” Doyle insisted. “I don’t think I ever really did.”
“But what about your boys? Are you saying you don’t love them? That they don’t make you happy!” Bodie clenched his fists, anger rising, “Because that’s rot, Ray, that is.”
“No, of course I’m not saying that. They mean everything to me. But even then, it’s not …enough.” Doyle reached across the table to touch Bodie’s hand “I can’t deny what I am anymore. I don’t want to deny it.” Doyle stood up, walked around the table, “I love you Bodie, I guess I always have and,” he paused, crouched down and looked into Bodie eyes, “And I’m hoping that there’s a chance you might love me too. If it’s not too late, I want us to start over if you’ll still have me.”
“You can’t be serious!” Bodie jumped to his feet and took a step backwards. “What are you going to tell Sam, your boys, everyone?”
“Don’t have to tell them anything,” Doyle said straightening up again. “We’d just be two old friends who are sharing a flat. Nothing wrong with that.”
Bodie laughed, a bitter sound that held no mirth. “Times have changed, mate. If two men live together these days, people just assume that they’re gay.”
“Well I don’t care.”
“Oh no? What will you tell your sons then, Ray, when they ask, because they will one day. What do you think that will do to them?”
“I don’t know, but what am I telling them if I deny who I am and what I want? They might not understand right away, but they will eventually.”
Bodie shook his head. “You’re a fool Ray. They’ll hate you.”
“You don’t know that Bodie, neither if us knows how this will work out.”
“Well I do,” Bodie declared angrily, turning away. “There is no ‘this’. Did you really think you could just drive up in your old Escort and sweep me off my feet after all these years? Do you think I’m that easy?”
Doyle took him by the shoulders, turned him and kissed him then, kissed him with all the passion and feeling that had been missing from Bodie’s life for too long.
Bodie broke away, breathing hard. “Don’t… just don’t.”
“Bodie, please.”
And Bodie knew he didn’t have the strength to say no to Ray Doyle, not when every beat of his heart was screaming yes. He’d dreamed of this for too long, hungered for it. He’d willingly lie down and die for Doyle, even now, just as he’d been prepared to do when they were partners.
But he didn’t want Doyle to die for him. “Ray, do you know what you’re proposing? Do you understand the risks of a relationship with me?” It was one last plea for Doyle to see sense, because one of them had to be strong and do the sensible thing and Bodie was rapidly losing that battle.
“Yes, I know the dangers. Like I said, I’ve done a lot of reading. I know we’d have to be careful, use condoms…”
Bodie shook his head. “You’re very sure of yourself, aren’t you,” but couldn’t help the small smile that stole onto his lips.
Doyle smiled back, did that thing with his eye brows, and Bodie was transported back fourteen years to another night like this one, when they’d spent the evening laughing and flirting, a subtle courtship they’d been carrying on for years.
“Come on, Bodie, what do you say?” Doyle held out his hand, and Bodie let himself be seduced, knowing it would probably end in heartbreak but too far under his partner’s spell to care. He reached out, took Doyle’s hand and let Doyle lead him to the bedroom, where they turned their backs on the rest of the world and fell into each other’s arms once more.
Their love making was different now, their passion tempered by time and experience. Not as frenzied as it once had been, a brilliant blinding flash, over too soon. Now it was deeper, more enduring. They took their time, exploring, relearning, rejoicing.
And afterwards it seemed natural to lie together, side by side, dozing in the comfort of touch.
But Bodie was uneasy, his mind already preparing for what the morning might bring. And just like old times, Doyle, always attuned to his partner’s moods, picked up on Bodie’s restlessness.
“What’s wrong?” he whispered in the darkness.
“A lot,” Bodie replied turning on his side. “We can’t recapture the past, Ray. You know that.”
“Yeah, I know that. I don’t want to recapture the past.” Doyle sought Bodie’s hand and laced their fingers. “I want us to make a future together. We can do that much at least, for however long we have.”
“It doesn’t seem real,” Bodie confessed, “I’m afraid I’ll wake up and find this is all a dream.”
“It’s not a dream. Everything that came before is the dream. This is what’s real, you and me, together always,” Doyle whispered softly, his fingers caressing Bodie’s cheek. “Sleep now. I’ll be here when you wake. I’m not going anywhere,” he leaned in closer, lips caressing Bodie’s ear. “I love you.”
And Bodie closed his eyes, weariness finally pulling him down, able to rest now, knowing Doyle would keep his word and stay beside him. “I love you too, Ray,” he whispered as he gave himself up to sleep.
The End