Work Text:
At first, Logan tried to ignore the knock at the door, hoping to drown out the sound by hitting the speed bag harder. He was in the middle of his workout, and it was probably just someone selling stuff anyway. But the knocking grew louder and more annoying until he opened the door with a huff.
When he saw Vanessa standing on the stoop, he bit back his rude response and said, "Oh. Hey. Wade's out."
Vanessa gave Logan a once over--he realized belatedly that he was shirtless and sweaty--and said, "I'll be on my way, then. I should have called--I was just in the neighborhood and thought I'd drop off some of his things." She tilted her head toward the cardboard box she'd set down by her feet.
Logan nodded, relieved, then remembered Wade's stupid puppy-dog eyes whenever he talked about this woman. "No, wait, uh, you wanna come in? He should be back before too long. I know he'd want to see you."
She hesitated. "I'd hate to interrupt your…whatever you were doing."
"I was due for a break anyway."
"Did Wade say when he'd be back?"
"Not exactly, but he was just taking Al to a doctor's appointment, and they've been gone a while, so…" He shrugged.
"Well…I guess I have a little time." Vanessa picked up the box, handed it to Logan, and went inside the house.
"Do you want a drink, or…uh, you know what, help yourself,…I'm gonna go put a shirt on."
"I mean, don't trouble yourself on my account. I get what Wade sees in you."
Logan grunted. He grabbed a white tank top out of his duffel bag, sniffed it, and pulled it on. Then he joined Vanessa, who was sitting at the kitchen table with a bottle of beer and a copy of People magazine.
"Wade already did the crossword in that."
She looked up at him and said, "This doesn't have to be weird."
"Pretty much every day of my life's been weird, especially since coming to this universe."
"Fair enough. And I can't imagine life with Wade is making anything less weird for you."
"Sure as shit not." Logan summoned up his rusty manners, trying to get her to stay put until Wade got back. "Uh, how's your day been?"
"Not bad. I had a meeting earlier and finally remembered to put this stuff in my car, so that was a win." She gestured at the cardboard box, labeled Wade's stuff. "How about you?"
"Hm. Worked out. Enjoyed the brief peace and quiet."
She laughed and said, "Yeah, that's something you don't get a lot of with Wade. But, you know, if you ever get desperate, this will help." She opened the cardboard box and pulled out a bright red ball gag.
"Um. Good to know." Logan swallowed and definitely did not think about putting it in Wade's mouth.
She put it back in the box. "Sorry. Not sure if that's what you're into."
"Hmm." Logan caved to the urge to grab a beer for himself, while desperately thinking of something else to say. Wade was right about one thing: Vanessa was really pretty.
Casually, Vanessa asked, "Hey, where's Mary Puppins?"
"Oh, Wade took her with them."
Vanessa furrowed her beautiful forehead. "They took that dog to a doctor's appointment? For humans? That's gotta be some kind of health code violation."
"Wade said she's an emotional support animal so he's allowed to take her indoors."
"Oh boy. Well…maybe they'll see Al sooner to get her out of the waiting room as fast as possible?"
"Maybe so. Although I gotta say, that dog does grow on you. Kinda like Wade."
She smiled. "I'm glad you guys are happy together."
He took a long swallow of his beer and said, "Yeah, I guess you could say that. Wade really misses you, though."
"Yes, well. He's had my number."
"I mean, he saved the whole damn universe just for you."
"To be fair, if he hadn't, he would have died too."
"He was willing to die," Logan said. "He thought he would die, and that it would have been worth it to save you. Everything else was just a bonus."
"Why are you telling me this?" Vanessa sounded much more uncomfortable now than she had when she'd casually brought a ball gag out at the kitchen table.
Logan took another long drink. "I guess…because despite my best efforts, I actually like Wade, and I can't help but think he deserves another chance. Sure, he's annoying. Really annoying. Uh, but he's…funny, sometimes, and loyal. Generous. He's a good guy."
"So why are you planning to break up with him?"
"I'm not--we're not--what?"
"Please. Unlike Al, I'm not blind. I saw how you two were looking at each other at that party. And you're living together."
"Uh. No, it ain't like that. I'm just crashing on Wade's couch."
"Hmm. You haven't even hooked up?" Logan shook his head and finished his beer. Vanessa asked, "Well, why not?"
"What?"
"Don't tell him I said this, it'll just inflate his ego, but Wade's good in bed. He's a very…giving lover. And he's clearly interested in you."
"No, no, he's just been pining for you. You should hear how he talks about you."
"Maybe he used to be, but these days I think he's pining for you."
Logan got another beer. "No, he's just joking around. About me."
"Sure, but Wade's jokes always have at least a kernel of truth to them."
Logan shook his head. "At--at the party, he was dying to talk to you."
"Maybe, but then he spent most of our conversation telling me how great you were. He had that whole party just as an excuse to introduce all his friends to you."
"The whole time we were trying to get out of the void, he kept telling me how great you were. How you inspired him to want to do more with his life. To, uh, matter."
Vanessa looked down at the table. "That's what he thought I…oh, I might have been too harsh with him. I was just worried about him, you know?"
"Hm. Well, maybe you should tell him that."
"Maybe I should. But what about you?"
"Me? I don't have nothing to say."
"Right. You're the strong, silent type." She rolled her eyes. "You two really have an opposites attract thing, huh?"
"Um, no, we don't. We're just opposites, is all."
"Mm-hmm."
Logan's sharp hearing picked up the sound of Mary's loud breathing first, but before long the chaos of Wade followed. Wade opened the door and called out, "Honey, we're home!"
"No need to shout," Al said, as she settled into her usual living room chair. "None of us are deaf."
Logan stuck his head into the living room and asked, "How'd the appointment go?"
"Terrible news, she's going to live," Wade said. "But on the bright side, I picked up tacos!" He popped into the kitchen and his eyes widened. "Oh, hey, Vanessa. If I had known you were coming I would have brought you some extra street meats."
"I was just--" Vanessa started, gesturing at the cardboard box.
Logan interrupted. "She was just telling me that she had something to tell you." He grabbed a taco out of the bag and stalked out of the kitchen.
Vanessa followed him and called, "Logan, wait!" Then she paused to say, "Hey, Al, good to see you!"
"Wish I could say the same, sweetie," Al said, "but they still haven't cured blindness."
Logan said, "Vanessa, you and Wade need to talk, I'll give you some privacy." He shoved half the taco into his mouth.
"I'm not going anywhere," Al said.
"I think the three of us need to talk," Vanessa said. "Let's go get a drink."
"What do we need to talk about?" Wade asked. "Are you pitching an idea for a sequel?"
Vanessa gave Wade a look, and Wade said, "Okay, fine, I know a place."
"I really don't think I need to be involved--" Logan said, but Vanessa pushed him out the door with a surprising amount of force.
She called to Wade, "Leave the dog. Take the tacos."
Wade grabbed the bag of tacos, distributed a couple to Al on his way out, and led the two of them to a dive bar a couple of blocks away. It was fairly empty, which made sense for noon on a weekday, and the bartender greeted Wade by name.
They ordered drinks and settled into a slightly sticky booth. Vanessa and Wade sat side by side, across from Logan. "So. What do we need to talk about? New life insurance policies?" Wade asked. He unwrapped a taco and started eating.
"Well, Logan was telling me that we should have a threesome."
"No, I wasn't--" Logan started, as the other two burst out laughing. Wade spit out ground beef, which didn't seem like it was the worst thing that had happened to the table.
"Oh, he is really fun to tease," Vanessa said.
"It's true, he's very poorly socialized," Wade said. "But cute. He has a lot in common with Mary Puppins, really."
Logan scowled. "I was trying to be, what do you call it, a good wingman."
"He made a very persuasive case for you," Vanessa said.
"Wow, Logan, I'm flattered. I didn't know you cared."
"You didn't?" Vanessa asked. "He's pretty obvious. Once you get past that gruff exterior."
"Hmm," Wade said, eyeing Logan. "Well, I'm in, obviously. What about Doug?"
"Doug?" Vanessa asked.
"Jefferson? Lance? Clayton? Whatever your boyfriend's name is."
"You know it's none of those. And…Dermot and I have parted ways."
"Well, then that's settled," Wade said. "Excellent."
"But I--" Logan said.
"Logan, this was your idea," Vanessa said.
"No, it wasn't!"
"Are you calling my girlfriend a liar?" Wade asked.
"Are you calling me your girlfriend?"
"Just shooting my shot."
"I'm happy for you both," Logan said. "But--"
"Oh, come on," Vanessa said. "You answered the door shirtless and drenched in sweat, and then you put on that slutty little tank top? And now you're going to look me in the eye and tell me you don't want to put out?"
"We'll be gentle with you, old man," Wade said.
"No, we won't," Vanessa said.
"Yeah, you're right, we won't."
"But I don't think he wants gentle. Do you?" Vanessa asked, looking at him intently.
"It's not a good idea for me to get…involved with anyone. It don't tend to end well."
Vanessa pouted. "Aww, poor baby, you've had bad breakups? Wade ghosted me for months--"
"--because I was trapped in a medical torture facility and then--"
"--and you didn't think to tell me before you left for that--"
"--and then you got killed because of me so I thought--"
"See?" Logan said. "You two got enough to work through without me getting in the way."
"Well, I guess we could just leave him to suffer in silence," Wade said, looking at Vanessa.
"But I think it would be more fun to have him suffer loudly."
"You guys know I ruined my entire universe, right?" Logan said.
"Typical male delusions of grandeur," Vanessa said with a sniff.
"No, I--" Logan dropped his voice. "I did some really bad things. I've killed people."
"Did you miss the part where I'm called the Merc with the Mouth? I've killed people too. For money!"
"I haven't killed anyone but I'm morally flexible."
"Well, you've had sex for money, which the MPAA would argue is worse."
Vanessa shrugged and nodded.
"This is crazy," Logan protested.
Vanessa grinned. "Yeah, but your crazy matches our crazy." She and Wade high fived.
"I'm not…good at this."
"What, sex? We can teach you," Vanessa said. "We're great at it."
"Not that!" Logan grimaced, torn between his pride and his desire to end this conversation. He added, "I mean, I haven't gotten any complaints." Wade and Vanessa high fived again. Logan gestured. "Everything else, I mean. I'm not good at…people."
"Oh, you're a man who's afraid of relationships? Soo original," Vanessa said.
Logan's pride again reared its head and made him say, "I ain't afraid."
"Great, so what's the problem?" Vanessa said.
"...I need another beer."
"Easily solved," Wade said. He turned and signaled to the bartender. Logan gratefully accepted his fresh drink and gulped down half of it.
"I'm kind of a lone wolf," Logan said.
"I thought you were a wolverine," Vanessa said.
"Anyway, wolves are pack animals. I saw it on Animal Planet," Wade said.
Logan buried his face in his hands.
"What about wolverines? What's their deal?" Vanessa asked.
"I think they're pack animals too," Wade said. "I've actually been doing some research. They eat a high protein diet, drink a lot, communicate mostly in grunts, don't do laundry as often as they should--"
"--you're one to talk!" Vanessa interjected.
"--but my costume is red so the blood doesn't show, Vanessa. I have a strategy.Anyway. I think it's time for my research to get a little more hands on, don't you?"
Vanessa nodded. "My life's been way too boring lately." She glanced at her phone. "Speaking of, I've got a meeting I need to get to. Why don't we finish this conversation over dinner tonight? As the only employed one of us, I'll buy."
"And we will graciously accept, as the thanks we deserve for saving this and every universe," Wade said. They both stared at Logan.
"Uh. Yeah, okay, fine," Logan spit out.
"Hell yeah," Wade said. Vanessa finished her drink, threw some cash on the table, and left the bar, giving each man a cheek kiss on her way out.
"Listen, Wade--" Logan said.
"I'm listening."
"This wasn't my idea."
"The sign of a good collaborator is someone who can acknowledge a great idea when they hear it, even if it wasn't theirs."
"Huh."
"I read that on a fortune cookie. Or maybe it was a condom wrapper."
Logan rolled his eyes. "I guess it won't be the worst thing in the world to find something to shut you up for a few hours."
Wade affected a British accent and said, "Ah, yes, studies have found that the noble wolverine prefers to mate in silence. Still, wolverines, like dolphins, are one of the few non-human species known to mate for non-reproductive reasons." Logan laughed, in spite of himself, and Wade grinned. "So, are you gonna help me further my scientific research?"
"I…if we're gonna do this, I gotta do laundry this afternoon."
"I'll go with you. I bet we can…share a load," Wade said, licking his lips.
"Uh, yeah, alright," Logan agreed. He didn't own very many clothes.
"And we can use the 34 minutes between cycles for…research."
"Christ."
"I didn't hear 'no'!"
"Yeah, okay."
Wade pumped his fist, and Logan shook his head at the idea that anybody in this universe--let alone two people--would be excited about being with him. But he felt a smile creeping across his lips despite himself. Wade seemed to have that effect on him.
"Alright, my little ray of Canadian sunshine, let's get a move on." Wade closed out their tab.
Logan didn't protest when Wade insisted on holding Logan's hand on their walk back home. And he didn't protest when Wade straddled Logan's lap on the hard plastic laundromat chairs. (He did protest when Wade tried to use scented dryer sheets, though.)
"Ooh, this is going to be such a fun post-credits scene!" Wade said, but the story faded to black.