Padfoot’s Seven Step Plan to Ensnare Moony for Life
Sirius Black was fourteen years old when he discovered he was head over heels for his best friend Remus. Remus had always been important to him and he was a great mate. But since Sirius had learned the art of masturbation, he couldn’t stop thinking about Moony as more than just a mate.
He had tried thinking about other things while he touched himself: Marlene McKinnon, Dorcas Meadows, the entire Holyhead Harpies Quidditch team. It wasn’t until his mind flashed to Remus that things had really started to get going. After that, Sirius gave up on birds and focused much more on blokes.
He got off with his fair few of blokes at Hogwarts. It was easy to know which ones were bent or would be up for it after a bit of persuasion. Still, Sirius always came back to Remus. There was just something about the werewolf that made Sirius want in a way he didn’t with anyone else.
So Sirius Black hatched a plan.
- Compliment Him Daily
“I like your jumper, Moony,” Sirius told him, beaming at him from across the Gryffindor table in the great hall. As far as jumpers went, it was fairly nice. It was a soft green colour that matched Remus’s amber eyes and made them seem warmer.
Remus eyed him warily. “Shut up, Sirius,” he murmured, hiding his face behind the Daily Prophet.
“I mean it!” Sirius said, grabbing the top of the paper and folding it down so he could see Remus. It had not been going how Sirius had planned. He hadn’t expected Remus to fight him over the compliment. Girls always just giggled and blushed. Why couldn’t Remus just do that?
“Oh,” Remus said, his brow furrowing. “Did you want to borrow it sometime or something?”
“No,” Sirius responded, his nose wrinkling. “It wouldn’t look nearly as good on me as it would on you.”
Remus looked at him as if he had just turned into a bowtruckle. “You feeling alright, Sirius?”
Sirius slumped down and stared at his food. “I’m fine,” he grumbled, beginning to sulk.
- Buy Him Sweets
Sirius had to wait for the next Hogsmeade visit to enact his next part of the plan. Part one hadn’t exactly been a rousing success but he knew Moony. He knew Moony almost as well as he knew James. And Moony liked sweets. If there was a way to Moony's heart, it would be through sweets.
Sirius went through Honeydukes and found all the chocolate Remus liked best. By the time he got to the counter his arms were full. Sirius got some kind of sick satisfaction out of the fact that his parents money was being spent on chocolate to woo a half-blood werewolf. He thought about writing home to his mother. With any luck she would die of shock and Sirius would be rid of her.
In good spirits, Sirius took his bag and went to join the others at the Three Broomsticks. Peter, Remus and James were seated around a table with a fourth butterbeer waiting in Sirius’s seat. He sat down and grinned at his friends excitedly. His eyes lingered a bit longer on Remus and he saw Remus’s eyelashes flutter slightly. Remus looked beautiful in the candlelight of the pub, his gloved hands wrapped around his butterbeer, his Gryffindor scarf undone just enough to hint at the long, pale neck underneath, laughing about something James had said. Sirius knew he was in love and it made his stomach flip.
When they arrived back at their dormitory, Sirius climbed into Remus’s bed. Remus was already lying down with his face in a book. When Sirius joined him, he put the book onto his chest and propped himself up on his elbows. Grinning widely, Sirius overturned his bag and dumped the sweets on Remus’s stomach.
Remus eyed them for a moment and then looked up at Sirius. “What are all these?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Chocolate, I would have thought that would be obvious!” Sirius said, wondering how the smartest kid in their year could ask such a stupid question.
“I know it’s chocolate,” Remus said with a heavy sigh. “Why did you buy me a mountain of chocolate?”
“It’s not a mountain!” Sirius protested, blushing slightly. “It’s a hill at most. A small hill.”
“Okay…” Remus said slowly. “Why did you get me a hill of chocolate, Sirius? Christmas isn’t for another month and it’s a while until my birthday.”
“Am I not allowed to buy you things just because I want to?” Sirius asked, hunching his shoulders in a pout.
“Is this charity?” Remus asked, his tone growing hard. Remus hated feeling like he was being given handouts. He refused to take robes from James even though Remus’s were fraying at the ends. He wouldn’t let anyone buy him butterbeer at the Three Broomsticks. Sirius was surprised Remus even took his Christmas presents without a fuss.
“No!” Sirius exclaimed.
“Then what did you do to it, Sirius?” Remus asked, picking up a piece of chocolate and checking it for tampering.
“I didn’t do anything!” Sirius said in despair. When had Moony become so distrusting? “This isn’t a prank. I just wanted to do something nice for you!”
With that, Sirius slipped out of Remus’s bed, closing the curtains behind him, and stomping over to his own bed. Why couldn’t Remus just make things easy for him?
Sirius could barely eat the next day at breakfast. So far everything was going all wrong. At this rate they would be old men before Sirius managed to get Remus. Why couldn’t the werewolf just accept his love and his presents?
He glanced over at Remus and noticed Remus eating one of the chocolate bars Sirius had bought him. He caught Sirius’s eye and smiled at him. Sirius couldn’t help smiling back.
Remind Remus of How Wonderful I am
Have Jamie Remind Remus of How Wonderful I Am
The plan had to be put on hold for the summer considering that they all went to their prospective homes. Sirius wasn’t allowed to receive letters from his “half-blood and blood traitor friends” so his summer was a lonely one. His only amusement was in torturing his younger brother. Sirius could only hope that what they said about absence making the heart grow fonder was true.
Since parts one and two of the plan had not gone as swimmingly as Sirius had hoped, he decided to get James involved. James was constantly talking himself up to Evans. The least he could do was the same for his mate. It worked out perfectly because Remus had to leave their compartment to do his Prefect duties, which gave Sirius time to bring Jamie up on The Plan.
“You’re in love with Moony?” James asked, barely letting Sirius even start on The Plan.
“Yes, of course I am, idiot,” Sirius snapped back as if this were obvious. “Now, I need you to do that thing you do with Evans.”
James narrowed his eyes suspiciously. “What thing?”
“You know when you go up to her and say a bunch of prattish things about how great you are?”
“Don’t get your knickers in a twist, we all know you do it, isn’t that right Peter?” Sirius glanced over at his other friend sat across from them in the compartment. Peter had his face stuffed with sweets from the trolley.
“Mmhmm,” he hummed, swallowing and nodding. “You do that a lot.”
James pushed his glasses up his nose haughtily and frowned. “Okay, so you want me to do that but with Moony?”
“Yes!” Sirius said, nodding eagerly. “You have to talk me up to him. Make him see how great I am and what he’s missing out on by not being with me.”
James glanced over at Peter and they shared a look. “But Moony already knows you. What am I supposed to tell him that he doesn’t already know?”
“Think of something!” Sirius pleaded. “Even if you just have to remind him of my greatness.”
James looked unsure. “What if Moony isn’t bent?”
Sirius waved him off. “He’s at least a little bent. I caught him staring at Fabian Prewett once and he blushed. God, you don’t think he’s only into gingers, do you?”
James rolled his eyes. “I really don’t know what Moony is into other than rabbits.”
“Should I get him a rabbit then?” Sirius asked, tapping his finger against his lip thoughtfully. He liked getting Remus presents, even if Remus didn’t always appreciate them.
“Probably not a good idea,” James warned, stealing a chocolate frog from Peter.
“So you’ll do it, then?” Sirius asked, glancing at his best friend with hopeful eyes.
“Yeah, sure,” James said, biting the head off the chocolate frog with gusto. “If you’re happy, I’m happy.”
“You’re the best, Jamie!”
“I know, I know.”
Sirius was hidden under James’ invisibility cloak. It was a warm day for September and so Remus and James were outside under their favorite tree studying. Sirius walked up and kicked James in the leg to prompt him into action. James stifled a shout and glared in Sirius’s direction, rubbing his leg.
“Hey, so, uh, what do you think about Sirius?” James asked. Sirius nearly groaned in frustration. What kind of question was that?
Remus glanced up from his book and stared at James. “In what context?”
“You know, as a person,” James said, shrugging. “He’s a great friend, don’t you think?”
“He can be,” Remus responded, his face growing dark. Sirius gulped as he thought about that stupid prank in third year where he’d almost killed Snape. He thought they’d moved past that. “Why? Has he done something?”
“Not that I know of,” James answered, leaning back against the tree. “But he’s…uh…” James ran his fingers through his hair nervously. Sirius was going to have to find himself a new best friend if his current one was having such a hard time coming up with nice things to say about him. “He’s quite fit, don’t you think?”
Remus dropped his quill and stared at James again. “Are you in love with Sirius?”
“No!” James said quickly. “I mean, as a friend. I don’t fancy him or anything like that.”
“Oh,” Remus said, picking up his quill again. “What brought all this on, Prongs? Are you trying to find out if I’m bent?”
James huffed. “Well, are you?”
Remus considered it for a moment. “Not sure,” he answered, scratching the end of his quill against his cheek. “I’ve kissed boys and girls. I liked kissing both so I guess I like both. So I’m at least a little bent.”
Sirius nearly whooped with glee until what Remus had said registered. Just whom had Remus been kissing? Who were these boys? Who were these girls? Sirius would have to find them all and give them some kind of boils.
“It’s not, you know, like a problem or anything,” James told him reassuringly. “You’ll still be our friend no matter who you like.”
“Thanks James,” Remus said, smiling at him. “That means a lot to me.”
“So, do you fancy anyone at the moment?” James asked, leaning in conspiratorially.
Remus chuckled and began writing again. “Frank Longbottom is cute. We snogged a bit behind the greenhouses the other day.”
Sirius turned murderous. He would have to find a way to hex Frank Longbottom for snogging his Moony. What did Frank know about anything anyway? He couldn’t know the truth about Remus. What was Remus doing snogging someone like that? Someone who couldn’t appreciate him fully. What was he doing snogging anyone other than Sirius?
“I thought he was into Alice?”
“He is,” Remus said, scratching something out on his bit of parchment. “It was just a snog. It didn’t mean anything.”
“Well, you know Sirius likes blokes too,” James reminded him. “We caught him with that Hufflepuff, remember?”
“Your point?” Remus asked, bending over his book slightly and keeping his head down.
“Maybe you and Sirius could…I don’t know…” James shifted uncomfortably. “It’s something to think about.”
Remus brought his knees up towards his chest, his nose practically buried in his book. “I doubt it.”
“He’s not likely to be interest in me, is he?” Remus said quietly.
James looked over in Sirius’s direction pointedly. Sirius huffed under the cloak. His beautiful, stupid, sweet Moony. How could he not realize?
- “Accidentally” Hide in a Cupboard Together
The plan was foolproof, even Wormtail couldn’t have messed it up. The dungbombs were set up in strategic areas around the dungeon and Slughorn’s classroom for optimum stink. After the first one went off, Sirius grabbed Remus’s hand and took off running. He could hear Filch coming for them, so Sirius changed directions.
They ended up in a closet on the first floor. It was a tight squeeze and they were pressed together pretty tightly.
Sirius Black was in heaven.
Remus shifted slightly. “How long are we planning to hide in here?” he whispered.
Sirius grinned. “As long as it takes, Moony.”
A silence fell over them as they listened for anyone outside looking for them. Sirius kept glancing over at Remus. His eyes adjusted to the darkness and he could just make out Remus’s features in the dark.
Sirius cleared his throat. “So Moony, tough luck about Alice and Frank, huh?”
Remus shrugged. “I think they look good together.”
“Yeah, but you’ve lost your snogging buddy.”
Remus snorted. “He’s not my snogging buddy. I don’t have a snogging buddy.”
“You should get one.”
“Why do you care?”
Sirius opened his mouth to answer but before he could get the words out, Remus slapped his hand over Sirius’s mouth. “Someone’s coming,” Remus whispered in his ear, making Sirius shiver. He wished Remus had used different means of quieting him.
The footsteps went past and Remus removed his hand from Sirius’s mouth. “We should go and meet up with Prongs and Wormtail,” Remus said, opening the door and peeking out.
Sirius adjusted his robes to hide how tight his trousers had become before following Remus out.
- Show off my Assets
One of the best outcomes of Remus being made Prefect was that The Marauders now had access to the Prefect’s bathroom. It had taken a bit of prodding to get the password out of him but he had eventually given in.
They had been celebrating Gryffindor’s defeat over Slytherin in the latest Quidditch game. Sirius had had a bit too much firewhiskey and decided to have a nice, luxurious bath. He dragged Remus along with him, ignoring Remus’s protests, and got them to the Prefect’s bathroom.
Sirius turned on the water and the best smelling soaps, watching the tub fill up with bubbles. He walked around, stripping out of his clothes less elegantly than he would have liked. He nearly tripped trying to get his trousers off.
Remus watched this from the side and laughed. “You are absolutely bonkers, you know that right?” Remus said, shaking his head. “I don’t know what compelled you to think this was a good idea. You’re clearly pissed.”
“I’m not pissed!” Sirius insisted, shucking off his pants. “And this is a great idea, Moony. All my ideas are great ideas.”
“Doxies in McGonagall’s wardrobe?” Remus reminded him.
Sirius reconsidered. “Most of my ideas are good ideas. This is a good idea.” Sirius strutted around in his birthday suit and noticed that Remus was indeed looking at him. “Aren’t you going to undress, Moony? Or am I going to have to do it for you?”
Remus quirked an eyebrow. “You could barely get your own kit off.”
“I’d manage,” Sirius said, staring at Remus intently.
Remus sighed and seemed not to want to risk Sirius’s clumsy fingers. He pulled his jumper off and tossed it off to the side. Sirius couldn’t help licking his lips as he watched Moony divest himself of his clothing.
Sirius wasn’t ready for how quickly seeing Remus naked would affect him. He had seen Remus naked before hundreds of times. This felt different though. It was just the two of them and they were looking at each other. Sirius nearly moaned out loud when Remus started to undo his trousers.
Sirius had to slip into the water so that Remus wouldn’t see his very obvious erection.
“Something wrong, Padfoot?” Remus asked, smiling as if he knew something. Sirius pretended that his blush was from the heat of the water.
“Just about to die of boredom while I wait for you to get in,” Sirius said nonchalantly, playing with the bubbles around him.
“Right,” Remus said, shoving his pants down and climbing into the water. He bee-lined right for Sirius and came so close they were almost touching. “Enjoying yourself, Sirius?”
Sirius swallowed around the lump in his throat. He wasn’t used to this Moony. This self-assured Moony that seemed to know exactly what he was doing to Sirius.
“I always enjoy myself when you’re around, Moony,” Sirius said, grinning at him.
“Glad to hear it, Padfoot.” Remus reached out and for a second Sirius thought Remus was going to run his fingers through his hair. Instead, Remus grabbed his hair and dunked him under the water. Sirius came back up, sputtering and coughing in shock.
“I’ll get you for that!” Sirius shouted, tearing after Remus, chasing him around the tub.
- Kiss Moony
Sirius wondered if a person could die of sexual frustration. If it was possible, then he was close. Ever since their midnight bath together, Remus had been driving him even more crazy than usual. Remus seemed to constantly have something in his mouth: his quills, his food, his fingers, sweets, anything. (Okay, food didn’t really count but it still drove Sirius round the twist).
Sweets that he used to just munch on normally were now sucked obscenely. Remus made very interesting use of a sugar quill that made Sirius have to excuse himself to go upstairs and have a sneaky wank in the bathroom.
But Sirius Black had a breaking point. He had meant to wait for Christmas and use some strategic mistletoe. Instead it happened in the common room on an ordinary Thursday. They were doing their potions homework together and Remus was sucking on the end of his quill. He would glance up at Sirius every now and then beneath hooded eyelashes.
Sirius felt himself growing hot under his collar. He undid his tie and a few buttons but it did nothing to abate the heat. He nearly jerked off the sofa when Remus’s foot nudged against his own. “You paying attention, Padfoot?” Remus asked with what could only be described as a cheeky grin on his face.
Sirius cleared his throat. “Yes, of course,” he sniffed, looking back down at his potions book. But Remus’s foot began to rub against his, both boys only clad in socks. Sirius stared at their feet and then stared at Remus incredulously because Remus John Lupin was playing footsie with him.
That was it for Sirius. He was gone. Done. Out of his mind. All plans were lost and forgotten. He shoved his potions book off his lap and crawled forward, capturing Remus’s lips in a bruising kiss. “Finally,” Remus breathed out, grabbing Sirius and pulling him closer.
- Swear Undying Love
They were at Potter’s house on the last day of summer before their final year at Hogwarts. Sirius had left home and finally felt like he could fucking breathe. He had Remus and James and Peter. He didn’t need his toxic family that tried to dictate his life.
He was laid out on the grass in the Potter’s front yard, smoking a cigarette and looking up at the sky. Remus was beside him, smoking a cigarette of his own, their unoccupied hands entwined.
“We’re both up there, you know,” Sirius commented, glancing over at his werewolf half-blood boyfriend.
“Hmm?” Remus asked, taking a drag of his cigarette.
“You and I,” Sirius told him. “Stars and Moon. We’re both up there.”
“I suppose we are,” Remus said, smiling. “Probably something Divination shite about that meaning something.”
“Probably that we’re meant to be or something,” Sirius said, giving Remus’s hand a squeeze.
“Load of bollocks,” Remus said, laughing.
“Probably,” Sirius agreed. They were both quiet for a moment, the only sound their inhales and exhales, the smoke curling and disappearing into the night sky. “I love you, Moony.”
Remus wiggled closer and rested his head on Sirius’s shoulder. “Love you too.”