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He was back. Nezumi had finally returned to Shion. Nezumi had spent years away but had finally come to terms with his ability to love another person. After years and years of hating and pushing people away he had comes to terms with the fact that Shion was his saving grace. Nezumi had accepted that he loved Shion with all that he had left. As Nezumi stood at the top of No. 6 crumbling walls looking out on the new city they had helped create.
"I'm back Shion. I'm back for you and I'm never gonna leave you." Nezumi whispered.
Nezumi climbed gracefully down from his high up wall perch and began to walk in the direction of of Shion's mother's bakery. He recited in his head all the apologies he could say and yet he knew they would never make up for what he had done. He had up and left Shion and there was going to be damage, he knew it and he regretted it. As he rounded the corner to the bakery he slowed to walk. his head suddenly filled with doubt and fear. What if Shion didn't want him back anymore? He tried to push all the anxiety down and succeed a little. He had been gone 4 years. Four years opportunity for Shion to move on and grow up, they were both about 20 now. he hoped he hadn't. Nezumi's palms had become sweaty and damp, which was something he was still unaccustomed to. He wiped his hands on his jeans and jogged the last dozen feet to the bakery door. Breath in, breath out he reminded himself. This was it. He took one last breath and pushed open the door. A small bell tinkled over his head signaling his entrance as he stepped inside the small store. A woman with brown hair streaked with gray was bent over behind the counter taking what smelled like a fresh loaf of bread from the oven.
" I'll be right with you!" she called blindly over her shoulder.
Nezumi peered around at the array of sweets and breads and wondered which was Shions favorite, if he still loved cherry cake like when they had first met. The woman behind the counter stood up and pushed a lock of hair that had come loose of her undo behind her ear. she picked up the tray of bread to put in the display case and turned to look at Nezumi.
"Welcome to Karans bakery how can I help you today?" she said cheerfully "Oh and muffins are on sale today, they seem to be a neighborhood favorite!" she added as an afterthought.
"W-Well um i-actually" Nezumi needed to get his shit in gear and stop stuttering,"um I'm actually here to Shion if he's around".
As soon as Nezumi had mentioned Shions name Karan had frozen to the spot. The tray she was holding crashed to the floor, shattering into thousands of tiny shards. Her smile vanished and her eyes went cold.
"Just who exactly are you?" she demanded icily
"Um N-nezumi, my name is Nezumi I am a friend of Shions" he sputtered out a bit confused at her coldness
Nezumi had never personally met the women but surely she would remember his mice and notes.
Karan whirled around so that her back was facing Nezumi and she violently yanked open a drawer rifling through it until she seemed to find what she was looking for. She slammed the drawer closed and spun to face Nezumi again. She held up a few strips of weathered paper in a shaking hand. The notes, those were his notes!
Karan began to talk in a voice she was desperately trying to keeps calm,"You, was it you who wrote these letters all those years ago?".
"Uh ya, ya it was" he said, unsure of where this conversation was headed.
Unsure of what was happening an object sailed past his ear followed by a few more at varying degrees of accuracy and smashed into the wall behind him. Nezumi froze in shock as Karan threw the items.
" You, YOU! You are the reason he is gone, it's all your fault! He thought you were coming back! he held faith in you for so long!," she yelled tears starting to stream down her face,"You took him away! You took my baby from me!" she picked up the papers in her hand and threw them at Nezumi, he watched as they fluttered pitiful to the ground. Garnering them up from the floor, a sinking pit began to form in his stomach.," You can have those back! I want nothing to do with you anymore! HOW DARE YOU COME BACK AND SHOW YOUR FACE HERE!" She screamed at the top of her lungs. Karan sank to the floor and tried to wipe the fast occurring tears away to no avail."Just go! If you really need to go upstairs, I am sure you know where his room was, just get the hell away from me. Just LEAVE! Leave me and never come back, like you did all those years ago. Four years and you never came back, he loved you and you killed him! He died cause you couldn't deal with being attached"
Killed? Shion was dead?
The world stopped around him. The surrounding environment disappeared around him and Karan's crying barely registered. He turned and ran up the stairs, stumbling most of the way. The distance between him and Shion's room felt to far and much to close all at once.
“What..?” he whispered silently.
"No, no, no, no!" he repeated over and over to himself under his ragged breath
He reached the room at the end of the hallway and hesitantly pushed open the door. This room was once Shion's, and it hurt Nezumi to see it so empty. He stood in the middle of it like it was the aftermath to a natural disaster and for him it was. The silence of the room was pounding in his ears and drowning his lungs. He hoped desperately that this was some kind of sick joke. He hoped that suddenly Shion would pop out of a corner and wrap his arms around his waist, but the room remained still and empty, devoid of any life or warmth. Nezumi glanced at Shion's desk area and saw a mouse, Hamlet. The mouse that had so long ago sat atop Shions shoulder and listened to him read. The robot now lay lifeless and broken on the desk, years without maintenance had taken a toll. What had Nezumi done? He looked again around the room and remembered another room, far larger than this one. The room in which nezumi had first met Shion. He had been so much younger, they both were, when Shion had lived in No. 6's Chronos, when nezumi had been injured and like an angel Shion had started screaming into the wind and the rain giving Nezumi a place to go. He remembered Shion's fluffy hair that was brown and later a brilliant white. He always thought the white hair was better suited to him anyway. He remembered Shion's eyes, so full of all the world had to offer in comparison to Nezumi's lifeless gray ones. Silver, Shion said Nezumi's eyes were silver not gray but as more tears began to fall from them they felt nothing like silver, they felt empty and gray the a storm. He looked and remembered all the little things and as he did a pain more profound began to blossom in his chest, a pain worse that when he was shot or left alone without a family. This pain felt like his heart was literally shattering into a trillion tiny shards, and maybe it was. His heart and mind tore to pieces, the pieces he had so carefully put back together so that he could be whole for Shion. how fitting he thought. Nezumi had killed Shion, the one person he never wanted to hurt, the one person he loved and trusted unconditionally. The only person who had treated Nezumi like a person even in the worst of circumstances. The boy he loved, the boy he owed his life to was dead and it was his fault.
Nezumi collapsed into a heap in the middle of Shion's room. The room that held all that was left of the violet eyed boy. He curled up on his side as the tears began to fall faster and faster and faster.
"Shion..." he whispered, a broken plee, a question to the universe. His guilt, shame and sorrow began to creep into his heart like a black nothingness. He clutched the small notes from Karan to his chest, a last thread linking him to the past.
Nezumi remained curled up on the floor for hours even after he finished crying. He lay there numb and wishing the world away, cursing everything with every ounce of his being.
Why did Shion, who was sweet and innocent and naive, have to die while he remained alive.
He who had killed so many without a second thought and caused so much pain. After what felt like forever in hell his thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the bedroom door opening.
“Nezumi?”. It was Karan. How could she even think about talking to him? He had somehow killed her only son and family. “Nezumi honey, are you still in here?” she said softly.
Karan walked into the room tentatively, each step softer that the one previously. As she walked further into the room she spotted Nezumi lying crumpled and curled up on the dusty carpet floor. She gingerly approached and sat down by his head. when she sat down she began stroking Nezumi’s once sleek and well kept ponytail that was now loose with more strands falling around his face than usual. He had obviously been crying but she decided not to mention it. He tried to move away, hating every kind touch he didn't deserve but was to drained to even move a muscle. Karan put his head in her lap and continued petting his hair. running her fingers through it in the way only mothers could.
“Nezumi honey, I'm sorry i yelled at you. I was so shocked to see you and it seemed like a good idea to blame you at the time. I really miss him, but i guess you do to don't you? You really loved him. I talked to Inukashi and they said you had never been very good with attachments and that's why you ran off.” She took a breath and peered around the dusty room.
“I haven't stepped foot in here since, well since a very long time. I couldn't really it didn't seem right. I just closed the door and left it so everything is right where he left it.”
Nezumi mumbled something incoherently and tried breathed in what was left of Shion’s scent but all he got was the faint smell of old laundry softener and dust. New tears began to bubble up and as hard as he tried to push them back they still dribbled out. He willed himself not to feel again, to once again not care but the tears still fell.
“Oh Nezumi, I'm so sorry this must be really rough for you. I'm sorry I dumped it on you like that” Karan said sounding on the edge of tear herself.
Why was she apologizing? He had killed Shion, he should get on his knees and beg for punishment instead Karan was sitting on the floor apologizing to the man who had killed her son. He clung to her as she brushed his hair and hummed. Had she ever hummed this to Shion? Had she been forced to comfort him in this way when he felt abandoned by Nezumi in the years that he was running from his attachments? This whole thing was all Nezumi's fault and he knew it.
“W-what h-happened?” Nezumi managed to choke out without completely falling to pieces
“oh. Oh! of course you would want to know. I should have told you to begin with.” She took a deep but quivering breta Just… just give me a moment to collect it all, I haven't talked about this in a while, or a lot at all.” Karan was silent for a few minutes while she thought.
“Ok so I think the best place to start is probably where you left off, or rather when you left,” the words stung Nezumi. Even if they were true he didn't want to hear it,
“... so after you left and No.6 had fallen there was chaos. For a while that was ok, it was good even, it kept Shion busy and gave him the ability to ignore the piece that was missing.” she gave Nezumi a pointed look, “but, after a while it died down, the council was appointed and Shion no longer had a distraction. The pain of losing you hit him all at once and he fell into deep chronic depression. Though this part wasn't entirely your fault. He had always struggled with depression and when you came and whisked him away it was better, almost non existent, so I thank you for that, but when you left you took with you the happiest memories he had had in a long time. He wouldn't move or eat for days. All he would do was cry for you, wish for you to come back, plead for you. After a while he became extremely underweight and was nothing but skin and bone. He was taken to the hospital many times after he collapsed of exhaustion and malnutrition and every time he woke up in the hospital he would kinda smile and say “If Nezumi saw me like this he might just die! and he thought I was skinny before!” He was in a lot of pain Nezumi. He hurt for you. He would tell me “Nezumi hasn't abandoned me! He will be back for me, I know it. He just needs time, a break because he doesn't know how to deal with love” and he believed it for a long time but in the end I think it became more of a wish than a belief. He was falling apart and he couldn't cope. It was like he was sealed in this unreachable, unbreakable glass box. We saw him, we reached out to him but we always fell short, we were forced to watch as his loneliness and love crushed him. He carried the weight of the world on his shoulders. God Nezumi he was so broken and even then he still loved you, he could never resent you for leaving.” Karan had to stop and wipe her tears away,
“A-about a year after you disappeared he tried to slit his wrists” Nezumi took a sharp intake of air and shut his eyes tighter trying not to imagine Shion sitting in his own blood, he tried not to imagine the pain he had put Shion through.
“...but Inukashi found him and brought his to a hospital. He survived obviously. He was put in mandatory therapy for a while after but they insisted that he let go of you, that you were poison for him, and maybe they were right but he refused to forget you.” Nezumi was crying again. “He tried to kill himself over and over for many months but he couldn't, he failed every time, on purpose maybe. Some part of me believes that he didn't really want to go because that would mean leaving the possibility of your return. For a while after that about a year and a half after you left he started to show improvement, or he faked it anyway. It was a weak cover up, he never was a good liar. He faked it, he smiled and laughed but he was a shell of who he once was and it was obvious. We still saw cuts on his wrists when his sweater sleeves slipped up and we saw the red rings under his eyes from hours of crying at night. He didn't want to let on that he was still falling apart.”
“Two and a half years after you left he finally broke in an irreparable way . 2 ½ years after you left, a year and a half ago from now Shion threw himself off the top of what remained of the cities old wall. It was Inukashi who found him but this time they were too late, he was gone.” Karan may have been shaking a little at this point but not near as much as Nezumi. Nezumi trembled and cried. He wanted to scream but he couldn't muster up the energy.
“Shhh, hush it's ok” Karan soothed as she gathered Nezumi up in her arms. “But it's not OK!” nezumi thought to himself.
“We can talk tomorrow, but you have heard the story and you need to rest”
Nezumi nodded and she helped him get into Shions bed. Nezumi began to cry even more.
“It's ok” she whispered as she closed the door.
But it wasn't ok. The world Nezumi had so carefully reconstructed for Shion had been shattered. For a year and a half he had lived believing a lie, that he would see Shion again, that he would be able to say sorry and embrace him. For a year and a half he believed Shion was alive when he was infact dead because of him. He remembered when he and Shion had first met he had said that living people are warm, but now Shion was dead and cold. He remembered Shions warm hand and he cried. He huddled down into the sheets and blankets that still smelled faintly of fruity shampoo and a smell that was so uniquely Shion. He was soothed into a restless sleep by the sound of the rain on the windows and what was left of Shion.
Nezumi woke up and looked at the clock, it read 2:13 AM. Karan was still asleep. Shit is was early. Nezumi reached out for the spot where Shoin would normally sleep when they shared a bed but his hand fell on air and cold empty sheets. The memories of the previous day came flooding back and he felt suddenly sick.
Nezumi got up and treaded lightly over to the place on the floor where he had lay crying for Shion the day before. Or maybe only a few hours had gone by? He had no clue, time was being its normal cruel self at the moment, warping and feeling wrong. He carefully picked up the strips of paper off the floor set them on the desk while he went to retrieve his superfiber cloak from the back of a chair. Karan must have put it there. As his hand went for his jacket he saw the little white mouse that lay broken on his desk, no Shion’s desk. He carefully picked it up and tucked the small mechanical creature into his jacket pocket. As he turned to leave something caught his eye, it was his name. Scrawled neatly across the center of an envelope in Shion’s distinct hand was Nezumi’s name. Nezumi gingerly picked up the envelope and opened it. Without warning things, pieces of paper and appeared to be pictures, came tumbling out. When Nezumi bent down to pick up the pictures he froze. The pictures and drawings that lay scattered across the floor were pictures of them, of him and Shion. He wanted to cry again. The first one he saw was of him in the main focus, sleeping, and of Shion peeking out of the side of the frame. When he flipped it over the back read “You were always a lot cuter when you slept”. Shit. The second one he picked up was of them tangled up on the couch in Nezumi’s library eating soup while Nezumi read and Shion listened intently with the mice on his shoulders. Again the back had a note “Remember how we tried to get Inukashi to take it but they wouldn't so we had to rig a set timer that barely worked?”. Ya he did remember, the contraption had been awful looking but obviously it had worked. Nezumi looked at the final picture and wanted to cry even more. The main focus was a beaming Shion, maybe even mid laugh. It was an obvious selfie, in which Nezumi sat in the background on a park bench. He wore his usual scowl and had complained profusely about not wanting to feed the stupid birds in the park. Shion had countered it with the fact that they both needed a break for a day and that he was going and dragging Nezumi with him. Nezumi remembered thinking that it wasn't such a bad idea after all, although he would never admit it. He had pretended to be annoyed with the whole ordeal but that was as close to happy as it got for Nezumi back then and Shion probably knew it. Looking at the picture he began to wish he had smiled more for the other happy go lucky boy. Why hadn't he? That's another thing he would never be able to fix.
Nezumi bent down to pick up another photo that lay face down, the back had only a date on it. When Nezumi picked up the photo and flipped it over his blood froze, clasping a hand over his mouth he tried to contain the sobs that threatened to spill out.
The pictures sole occupant was Shion. He lay in a hospital bed and appeared to be asleep, whether it was medically induced or not was unclear although Nezumi would have guessed the later.His wrists were obviously heavily bandaged and tubes seemed to encase his small frame. He looked frail as if you could break him by touching him. Nezumi had done this to him, it was all his fault.
He quickly gathered up all the pictures and drawings off the floor, not daring to look at anymore.He tried to jam them all back into the envelope, still taking care not to wrinkle them. Instead of sliding easily into the envelope the papers in his hand were met with more papers that still resided in the envelope. He set the photos down on the desk and drew out a few full sized peices of paper. It was a letter, to him from Shion. As he read it his face was quickly covered in fresh tears.
Dearest ‘Zumi,
I'm sorry I had to leave. I'm sorry you had to find out. Well assuming you're reading this letter you found out, but I'm not sure if you ever will. I loved you, still do. I wanted so badly to hate and resent you for leaving me, for putting me through hell but I never could. Since I couldn't blame you for it I blamed myself instead, buts thats ok because it was my fault anyway. It's my fault Safu is dead and it's my fault for clinging to your memory as you walked away. I should have known you would leave. Why did you leave me Nezumi? You said would be back for me but you never came, or rather I never gave you a proper chance to come back. I'm sorry I left but I just couldn't live this way. I couldn't live with the stardust you left in your wake, it was like a toxic gas. It all hurt so so bad Nezumi. Like this darkness was filling my lungs and suffocating me. Do you remember it when we sat on the couch and I kissed you and you made us promise no more goodbye kisses? So why did we break that promise? Well I hardly think it matters now. There are only two things I regret. Firstly that I never did tell you flat out that i loved you, although I think you probably knew and felt the same, that's why you ran. Secondly I regret not asking to hear you sing more often. I wish you had been there to sing while this was happening, I'm sure that it would have made the pain stop. I just wanted the pain to stop. I just wanted to scream and claw off my own skin to escape. I really did try to get better, to outstand this sadness. I tried to remember every happiness you gave me. I drew every memory I had of you but it didn't work. The darkness was like a parasite, and it sucked away all my life. I wished for you Nezumi, I dreamed of you, but those dreams where nightmares. Those nightmares wrecked me the worst. In them i watched you die or listened to you tell me you didn't really love me. It was unbearable. Listen to me though, I'm not mad or angry, I forgive you. Knowing you, you are probably blaming yourself and I need you to know its not your fault. It's mine. Mine for not being able to cope properly and the worlds for causing you so much pain that you had to leave because you didn't know how to deal with love. it's not your fault, I was always weak anyway. I want you to live. Live for you and for me. So here I leave you with these things, photos and drawings of my happiest times with you, and with a song. I never did hear you sing more than once or twice and i can't sing myself so I chose a song that reminds me of you. I chose Clarity by Zedd. I hope I see you in another less tragic life, one in which we can fall in love all over again without all this pain. One where we can grow old together and never have to leave each other. We were victims to circumstance and it took its toll. You told me to never change but I did and I'm so so sorry. I love you. I love you so much ‘Zumi. I love you.
-Yours forever
Shion
By the time Nezumi finished reading the letter through his hands were shaking uncontrollably and tears soaked the paper. He carefully packed the letter, the photos and drawings, and the small strip notes into the envelope and tucked it into the breast pocket of his jacket.
How could Nezumi do the things that Shion had asked? All he knew how to do was run, and so that's what he did. I hastily scribbled a note to Karan, apologizing for leaving, and left through the bedroom window.
Nezumi didn't quite know where he was doing only that he had to go. He had to run and never stop moving. The world seemed to detach from him and somehow before he realized it he ended up on the outskirts of the old west block in front of his library. It made sense that he would have ended up here as it was the closest thing he had ever had to a home. Looking at the door he wanted to punch something. This place was now just another reminder of his failure. He made his way inside and sat down at the desk. Wiping a thick layer of dust off the table he dug out the broken mouse from his pocket and set to work.
As he wired up the last few parts the robot powered up and looked around the room almost as if searching for Shion.
“He’s gone little mouse, Shion is gone”. he said tenderly to the mouse.”Now go, go sit with Shion, guard him and never leave like I did.” and with that the mouse left.
Why hadn't Nezumi come back sooner? Why did he leave Shion alone to deal with the aftermath? Why was he such a coward? Why? Why? Why?! NEzumi wanted to scream. He hated himself. He cried and cried, but it wasn't enough. The song. Nezumi suddenly remembered Shion’s song suggestion. HE hastily stood up and began rifling through the shelves looking for the sheet music, looking for what Shion had left behind. He knew it was here somewhere so why couldn't he find it? Why was the universe keeping this last link to Shion away from him? He tried to focus. Breath Nezumi, in, out he tried to remind himself as he felt a panic attack setting in. Fuck. He tried to wipe away the flood of tears that obscured his vision but they just fell faster and harder. Why, why, WHY!?
He grabbed the spines of several books and yanked them off the shelves, sending them crashing into things behind him. It wasn't enough, he suddenly had so much energy and anger. How could the world keep on moving without him, the Shion who had saved it from Eluryias's wrath. He grabbed more books and threw them. He was screaming and crying. He didn't care if his emotionless facade fell because no-one was here to see him breaking. He scream and cried like a child. HE threw everything he could reach, breaking a lot of it in the process. He grabbed the edge of the Shelves and tipped it over sending the remaining books sprawling across the floor. He punched the nearby lamp and the glass bulb smashed to bits, cutting his hand. After a while he was left with nothing but numbness again. HE got up and shuffled over the the baby piano in the corner, one of the few pieces of furniture that had survived his violent outburst. He pressed a finger to a single ivory key, yellow and worn with years of use. The note sounded empty and wrong. He looked up to the music stand expecting it to be empty, but it wasn't. Nezumi quickly dried his eyes and tried to read the title, “Clarity” by Zedd, The piano adaption. How had..? He noticed a yellow sticky note placed in the middle of the sheet. It was obviously Shion’s hand writing. Nezumi’s sniffling ceased and he removed the note.
Dear ‘Zumi,
I stopped by here often while you were away, I sometimes hoped I would walk in and find you making soup or reciting Shakespeare. It never did play out that way. I set out the sheet music for you. I hope you didn't wreck the library looking for it...much.
-Shion
Nezumi smiled, it was little and barely there but it was still a smile. Even in death Shion was smart enough to remain one step ahead of everyone else. Shion had made him feel things he didn't know he could from day one and he was still doing so. Nezumi tucked the sticky note into his jacket near the envelope and took a deep breath. He adjusted his hands to the Piano and began to play. The notes came out stuttered at first but began to flow as the song progressed. He cried as he played, the words spilling out like his tears.
“...If our love is tragedy why are you my remedy?…”
Shion was broken and dead and it was all Nezumi’s fault.
“...If our love's insanity why are you my clarity?...”
Nezumi played the song over and over. He wanted to run away again, but not from Shion. He wanted to run away from this life and be with Shion, he wanted to forget all of it. So that's what he did. He ran all the way to the crumbling wall of No.6. The place where Shion had taken his last breath.
A year and a half ago SHion had jumped from here. Was he afraid when he did it? Nezumi wondered a lot of things as he made his way clumsily up the wall. stumbling on loose rocks and the like. As he reached the top the sun had already begun to set. HE sat and looked out at the city, the sun setting behind him. Shion had built this place, fixed what they had wrecked. As the sun set the sky turned violent shades of red, violet and purple. like Shion’s eyes, he thought to himself. The fluffy white clouds stood out in stark contrast, reminding him of the fluffy white mop of hair on Shion’s head. The clouds disappeared, bleeding into the red hues of the sky. It was Nezumi’s fault. He wasn't going to let himself forget that. NEzumi stood and turned to look at the setting sun, his back facing the city. Why was he allowed to breath while Shion didn't?
“Shion, I'm sorry, I never meant for this to happen, for you to experience so much pain and unhappiness. I'm sorry to had to turn to this because of me and I'm sorry I ran. I'm sorry I never said it, I love you Shion. I LOVE YOU!” Nezumi shouted the last part into the wind of the world, his words were swallowed up and lost. He had made up his mind.
Nezumi took one stepp backward off the edge of the wall, the same way Shion had and fell. He couldn't live without Shion. Just before he fell he said,
“Forgive me one last time Shion? I love you”
As he fell in what felt like slow motion he swore he felt Shions arms wrap him in a hug and his voice saying, “It's ok ‘Zumi, I love you to.”
“Shion…” Nezumi whispered and it all went dark.
“You are my clarity.”