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From the moment there had been two blue lines on the stick, Sam had been overjoyed.
The joy had lasted for about three days, then the terror had taken over. Sam hadn't known that she could be terrified like how she was. She had faced Goa'uld and Ori and all manner of alien beings and things like that, but she had never been more terrified than she was now.
Jack was concerned. He had noticed the joy just zap out of her and he had expressed concern and she had lied to him, because she didn't want to add to anything that he might have been feeling, because this was something that could potentially be terrifying to him to. The last thing Sam wanted to do was add on to someone else's fear. Especially when it was Jack.
How was she supposed to explain to him that seeing the ultrasound had elated her and terrified her more? How was she supposed to explain that she felt terror strangling her throat when she thought about preparing a room for the baby? Even picking a paint color was suddenly an impossible obstacle and scared her. Jack gave up on trying to persuade her, but Sam could tell from his drawn eyebrows that he was worried.
At first, she thought that it was just because of the normal stuff. Three months was when most miscarriages occurred and she was forty years old. Thirty-four percent was the chance of miscarriage in women over forty, jumping from ten to twenty-five percent in women under thirty-five.
She passed three months and Sam had thought that she would breathe a little easier, but she didn't. She couldn't.
Her belly began to swell and then she felt the quickenings. Then the kick.
Jack finally confronted her when she broke down crying when that happened.
They were sitting on the couch together, watching one of the bad sci-fi movies she loved, and the baby moved for the first time.
It shocked Sam.
She was in awe.
She burst into tears.
Jack snapped the TV off and pulled her close to him. He kissed the top of her head and rocked her, not asking until she had gotten some semblance of control of herself.
"Carter." he murmured, rubbing a thumb beneath her eye. He used her name as a pet name now. "What's going on?"
"I'm fine. It's...." Sam pulled away, sniffed hard. "It's kicking."
Jack's mouth turned up at this and Sam nodded, letting him put his hand on the bump her shirt was stretched tightly over. She could feel more movement and more tears dribbled down her face. Jack, for his part, stopped cradling her belly and cradled her face.
"Samantha." he said softly, but fiercely. "What is going on? You haven't been yourself for weeks now. It's like the pregnancy is just sucking everything out of you. I thought you wanted this."
"I do!" Sam cried, then bit her lip. "I really, really do, Jack."
"Then what's wrong? You practically have anxiety attacks when we go to the doctor. You don't want to talk about getting a room ready or even think about a color. You're crying because the baby is kicking and not because you're happy. You haven't talked to me. What's going on?"
Sam stared at him and shook her head. She didn't want to get into this. She felt that it would be mortifying to tell anyone, let alone Jack. It was something that she had done to herself and she didn't want to tell Jack that.
"No, Jack. It's fine." she said, trying to smile, but feeling her lip tremble.
What the hell was wrong with her?
"Sam." Jack pleaded.
The tone was what got her. She stared at him, wiping her eyes. Cradling her abdomen with one hand, because she felt both insanely protective and insanely scared at the same time.
"I'm scared, Jack." she whispered.
It took enormous effort to say even that. Sam was startled by it. It was something that had been in her mind for so long, she had thought that it would just come pouring out when she released it. It didn't.
"Of what?" Jack asked gently.
"Everything. Everything to do with this pregnancy."
Jack's brow furrowed a little. Sam knew that he didn't understand. Without the background information of what she was talking about, it was a rather broad field. A part of Sam didn't want to have to explain, because it was something that sounded so stupid if she said it out loud, but this was her husband.
"Nothing is wrong." Jack tried.
Sam buried her face in her hands, unable to face Jack, because his words just made her fears seem even more ridiculous. This...this wasn't her. But it had suddenly become her and she didn't know what to do with it.
"But it could be." she whispered between her fingers.
Jack didn't say anything. Sam peeked at him between her fingers. He was just watching her. He reached out and pulled her hands away from her face.
"Sam. Talk to me. What is going through that big brain of yours that has you so scared?"
Sam swallowed and this time she didn't look away from him.
"Because this could go so wrong." she said.
Jack blinked. He clearly wasn't entirely certain what she was talking about. Sam couldn't blame him. She was healthy. The baby was healthy. She was past the third month. There was no reason for Jack to really worry about all the things that she was worrying about.
"I'm over thirty-five, Jack. I'm over forty. The chance of miscarriage is raised. I know I'm past the third month, but there's still a chance I could lose the baby."
"Do you think you're going to?" Jack's voice was gentle, not condescending.
"No. I don't know. But my chance of losing the baby is raised. Of having it too early. Of dying myself."
Jack's eyebrows shot up and that confirmed to Sam that she had been the only one to think about it. Jack hadn't known about it. He hadn't thought to worry about it. Now she had put it in his head, but she didn't think that he understood just how much she was scared.
"You're not going to die, Carter."
"You don't know that, Jack. You don't know the statistics." Sam said.
She did. Which was the horrible thing. She had gone and looked up the statistics of such things when she had found out she was pregnant. She had known some of it, but Sam Carter was a woman that like to know the statistics and likelihood of things, because they made her feel better and more confident. So she had gone and looked up the real statistics about pregnancy and childbirth and everything to do with it.
She had terrified herself with those facts. She had scared herself more than she had ever managed to scare herself in her life. Plenty of things had terrified her in different ways and had not been of her own making. But then Sam had realized just how likely she was to lose the little life growing inside of her, how likely she was to lose her own life.
Women her age were more likely to die during pregnancy and childbirth. Their babies were more likely to be early or die or have birth defects.
Twenty-two women died in the United States out of every one-hundred-thousand births.
The mortality for women her age was over three times that.
Seven babies died per one-thousand live births in the United States.
Last year, twenty-nine-thousand, one hundred and thirty-eight babies had died in their country.
Sam couldn't get those statistics out of her mind. The odds were stacked against her. She would give her life for her baby in a heartbeat, but the knowledge of her odds of death due to the ancient act of giving birth terrified her.
Along with the fact that things had gotten worse for women and babies in the recent years.
Sam knew for a fact that some of the worlds that they had been too had a better survival rate when women were giving birth without medical care in caves or huts or whatever else.
"I can't get it out of my head, Jack. It is so stupid! I did what I always do and I scared myself to hell and back!"
Sam was angry towards herself for this, really. She could have avoided all this. But avoidance of the knowledge didn't change the facts. She stared at Jack miserably.
He pulled her against him, cradling her protectively in his arms.
"That's not going to happen."
"Jack, do you know how likely I am to have a heart--"
"It doesn't matter."
"How can you say that?" Sam asked in shock, trying to wriggle free of his grip, but Jack kept his grasp on her.
"Because you're Samantha Carter. After all the things that should have killed you--that did kill you and that you came back from--this isn't going to take you out. No way. I won't let it."
That made Sam laugh, though she wasn't certain why. Maybe it was because that what Jack said was true. So many things should have just killed her and they hadn't. And the idea that he wouldn't let her die--when it came to childbirth of all things--made her melt and feel teary at the same time.
Because this was her husband. A man that had died or cheated death for so many years that he thought it was a possibility when it came to anything. The fact that he was promising her that if something did happen, he would do something to make sure that it didn't when he couldn't realistically do so... It meant something.
It made her feel a little better, a little less afraid. Sam had no idea why, but she nestled against Jack a bit more, not fighting it anymore. She breathed in his familiar, clean scent, trying to calm herself down.
"Sam." Jack murmured against her head, resting his forehead against hers. "Why didn't you tell me?"
Sam swallowed, tracing her fingers over her belly. Jack put a hand over the swell of it, protectively cradling their child between them. Sam felt more movement and more tears welled in her eyes.
"I didn't want to scare you." she whispered, shifting and pressing her nose against the side of his neck. "I didn't want to admit just how stupid I was, looking up all that."
She had never dreamed that the risks would be high. The statistics would be so deadly.
Sam was a logical person at heart. She trusted knowledge, logic, statistics, and facts. Those things had always helped her in the past, had always helped her instead of harmed. Yes, there had been times when those things had led to fear and the knowledge that things most likely would not go the way they needed them to.
But when those things had led to this, led to this knowledge, Sam didn't know what to do with it. Her reaction had been fear and her reaction to that fear had been to keep it bottled up inside.
"It wasn't stupid, Sam." Jack rubbed her back with his other hand. "It's real and being ignorant of it doesn't change it. But you need to tell me these things. You're not an idiot. You need to stop acting like one."
Another tear spilled down her face and she shifted, slinging her legs over Jack's.
"I just...I don't understand it." she murmured. "We can go through the Stargate to other planets. We've developed our own technology to rival some of the things that we've come across. We live in one of the most developed countries in the world. And this is something that is still so deadly."
Jack sighed heavily.
"It wasn't so bad when Charlie was born." he said.
Sam was surprised that he had said something like that. Despite everything, Charlie was a subject that they didn't truly talk about. There were questions Sam wanted to ask, pain she wanted Jack to share with her, but she didn't dare.
"No. It wasn't." she agreed, because she knew that for a fact.
Jack shifted her a bit, holding her as if he could protect her and the life inside of her just by doing so. The gentle ferocity of the act made Sam feel safe and loved. A few more tears snaked down her face.
"I'm not going to lose you, Sam. We're not going to lose the baby. We've beaten the odds before. We can beat them again."
"It doesn't work like that, Jack."
"Says who?"
That made Sam laugh. The ball of fear that had been festering inside of her had loosened. Unspooled. Simply saying her fears out loud, sharing them with Jack, made it somehow much more bearable.
"I'm sorry." she said.
"Nothing to apologize for. But can you promise me something, Carter?"
Sam pulled back, tilted her head to look him in the eyes.
"What?"
Jack should have known by now that there was no point in asking her for a promise. Their relationship was beyond the point of asking for promises and favors. If one of them needed something, the other would do it or provide it if they could.
"Enjoy this."
Sam blinked. Jack smiled, rubbing his hand in gentle circles over her belly. Sam felt another flutter of movement and wondered if he felt it too. Judging by the smile on his face, the way his eyes crinkled at the corners, she had a feeling he could.
"I'm trying." she said.
Jack shook his head.
"No. No more trying. Just enjoy it. This is what we've been trying for. This is what we wanted. You need to enjoy it."
Sam knew that what Jack said was true. She did want to enjoy this. They had been trying for a baby for quite some time before she had gotten pregnant. This was something that they both wanted. This was something that she had wanted. She had always thought that she would enjoy it. She needed to do more than try to do so.
"I know."
"Promise me."
"I promise."
Sam managed a smile. Her fear wasn't gone, not by a long shot. But it had settled. She could breathe. She could take the time to marvel at the movement she felt inside of her as their baby stretched its limbs, told her that they were there.
She put her hand over Jack's and stared at him. He smiled at her, saying nothing else. She laughed, a tear running down her face for an entirely different reason this time.
Jack leaned forward and kissed her forehead.
"Thank you." Sam whispered, pulling his mouth down to hers and kissing him long and hard as he reached up and gently wiped her tears off her face.
"Always, Sam."
She laughed a little as Jack shifted down, framing her belly with both hands after pulling up her shirt. Her laugh became louder and much more genuine when he kissed her just above her belly button.
"That goes for you too, mini-us."
Sam closed her eyes.
She had no idea if things were going to be one hundred percent okay going forward from here. But they were one hundred percent okay right now and right now, that was all she was going to allow to matter.