Chapter Text
At least my future owner looked good.
I saw her, her name was Marissa, sitting outside at one of the tables, scrolling through her phone. Her pictures hadn't done justice to how big she was. It'd been a long time since I'd seen a woman who went to the gym as much as Jenna did. She had her hair cut in a men's undercut and wore a pair of jeans, a t-shirt, and a worn red and black flannel. She was attractive, but not pretty. Pretty didn't do justice to someone who chose to look as butch her. Handsome would be better.
I ran my finger through my hair, untangling a few stray knots, before I gathered myself and marched across the street to the cafe. I felt queasy. My fate was in the hands of a woman I'd only exchanged a few messages with. Jenna's brief testimony that she liked her only put me a bit more at ease.
She had the benefit of having a partner soulmate mark with Marissa, right on her arm where it was easy to see. Hell, even my and Jenna's soulmate mark, a pair of albatrosses in flight with our names under them, was easy to see on mine and her thighs. Finding it had required looking down. It was so unlike the massive mark in the middle of Marissa's back proclaiming my status as her pet.
So unlike the mark on my back that said I was a pet and not a person.
I walked into the cafe and went straight outside to Marissa's table. Marissa shut off her phone and looked up. She had deep, warm brown eyes. Her face was even sharper in person. She stood, smiled, and offered me her hand.
"Lauren Hess? It's nice to meet you. I'm Marissa Chambers."
My heart raced. This was a good start. She wasn't addressing me as her pet or telling me to get on my knees.
I took her hand. It was warm and calloused. "It's nice to meet you."
"You too!" She dropped my hand. Her smile hadn't gone anywhere. It was infectious. She gestured at my seat. "I hope this cafe is fine. Sorry I didn't get you anything either, I didn't know what you wanted."
"I like tea, but I don't want anything right now," I said. I doubted I could keep anything down with how knotted up my stomach was. "Uh, I kind of hate to do this, but can we skip the small talk real quick and get to the heart of this?"
"If that's what you want, go ahead," Marissa said, nodding for me to continue.
"Cool. So, I really, really don't want to be a pet. The idea of being owned is terrifying. I like the life I built for myself and I don't want to lose it because someone has decided they know what I need better than I do. And relationship-wise, I'm really happy with Jenna. She is the best companion I could ask for. The hookups I have sometimes are enough to fill any other urges I have. So. Yeah. Not looking to change much."
I almost added 'If that's okay with you,' but my speech already hadn't come out the way I prepared it, and asking for permission like that was pet behavior. I knew what I wanted and didn't. I wasn't going to give anyone room to try and wiggle in and make it seem like that wasn't true.
Not that it mattered. If Marissa decided that she didn't care that I liked my life and wanted me to be her pet, she could dismantle it at her leisure. As far as the government was concerned, she owned me. Everything I was, had, or ever would have, belonged to her. She could do whatever she wanted with me, within the bounds of some scarily loose legislative restrictions. No amount of confidence or insistence could change that. All I could do was hope.
Hope, which was rapidly dwindling the longer Marissa sat there, staring just past me, her hands folded, like she was trying to work out the answer to a riddle. I bounced my leg under the table. I didn't want to break the silence or appear desperate. I had to make myself seem like I was anything but pet material.
"I'm very happy you said that," Marissa said and beamed at me. I went from feeling like the axe was about to fall on my head and execute to feeling like I'd won the lottery. "I respect everything you said. It makes a lot of sense. I don't want to own anyone, either. I recently got graduated from my PT program and just found a job at a clinic, too, so I don't even have the time to take care of someone properly." She laughed. "I was afraid you were going to come in here and demand that I take you on as a pet, train you, the whole nine yards."
"Oh. That's — that's awesome," I said. "I — fuck, I thought you were thinking about a way to let me down gently."
"No! No, sorry, I get quiet when I'm thinking. I was more stunned by how lucky I was than anything else," she said. She leaned back in her chair. "When I found out I had this mark, I was shocked. The most exposure I've had to kink was reading some erotica once and I've never felt the need or desire to own someone in my life. No idea where this one came from. Usually, there is some sign."
"Yeah!" I said, still not quite believing that Marissa wasn't about to pull the rug out from under me and tell me to get on my knees. "I've never wanted to be owned either. It's weird." I left out that I had much more exposure to kink than erotica. She didn't need to know that.
"Universe is weird sometimes. But I mean, statistically, there had to be people who don't do much with their marks. Or even people that just have marks that are wrong. Billions of people and there is bound to be a lot of weirdness."
"I was thinking the same thing," I said. I was surprised at how easy Marissa was to talk to. "I wish we could've just had a companion mark, but I think we can settle on friends?"
"Friends would be good. We are going to have to live with one another to avoid soulmate sickness after all."
"God, can you imagine the police knocking on our doors, asking why we weren't living together? I know people have gotten committed or arrested for doing that to their soulmates."
"Mhm. No worries. We're avoiding that, I'd want to live with Jenna, anyway. Speaking of her, when I met with her a few days ago, she said your lease was ending soon, which is convenient, because mine is too. Way less paperwork like this. I found a complex that I'm going to tour tomorrow. If it's good, I'll let y'all know. Hopefully, the location won't be a problem for you. I'm not sure where you work."
"I do film and media reviews. I have a youtube channel and blog. Sometimes I write for websites. It's mostly from home other than events I go to. I can live anywhere," I said.
"Oh? What kind of things do you review?"
I started to talk about my job, but the sense of unreality didn't leave. It was hard to believe it could be this easy. That there was no fight or fuss. The ball of anxiety and fear I'd worked myself into over this, the nightmare I had last night, all of it was for nothing. Things were totally, completely, fine.
I finished talking about my job. Marissa told me a bit about her school, her PT work, and how pleased she was to find out that Jenna was also a physical therapist. She told me the two of them had already made a plan to be gym buddies. The universe may have gotten Marissa and my soulmate mark wrong, but it had been dead on the money with Marissa and Jenna. There was no better fit in the world for my companion.
We lapsed into silence. My stomach had settled enough that I considered getting tea. We still had plenty to talk about, but it was all administrative, related to our dynamic and her taking legal ownership of me. For now, I was enjoying knowing that, even if the law said I was owned, I wasn't owned in spirit
"By the way," Marissa said, breaking our silence. "I am fine with us being friends, but if you wanted to be more too, we could do that," she said. She flashed me a smile and gave me a once-over. "You're beautiful and I love talking to you. Neither of those things are going to change."
I felt my face get red. I didn't have the words. Marissa looked on like wasn't openly propositioning me. I cleared my throat and brushed my hands down my legs.
"Um, I am flattered. I really am. You seem cool too, but…" There was no good way to say any of this. I just had to do it. She was going to find out anyway and I didn't want to hide it to begin with. Not from someone I was going to end up living with. "There are two things though. First, I don't know if I'm interested in anything romantic like that. Second, I have an orchiectomy, but I'm never going to get any more bottom surgery than that. So yeah. Don't know if I have what you're looking for because I'm trans. Plus, I don't know if you have a problem with—"
"Stop," she ordered.
My brain went screeching to a halt. Her voice was as hard as steel. Her smile had slipped. She looked like a cop during interrogation. My chest got tight. Everything that wasn't her stopped mattering. There was no ignoring someone who said stop like that and who could look that powerful at the drop of a dime.
"I get if we can't have anything romantic because you're not interested, but you being trans is never going to be a problem, okay? Not with me, even if we did end up as more than friends. I can vouch for most people I know too. If I ever run across someone who it's a problem for, I cut them out of my life. I don't deal with that. Never apologize to me for being who you are, understood?"
It took me a moment to compose myself. I tried to think about a response, came up empty, and decided that what we needed, was a change of topic. Anything to make the oppressive feeling go away.
"Um, do you want to talk about paperwork now and logistics a bit? We have to do forms. I — I have them," I said, tapping my tote bag that I'd hung on the chair.
"Yeah, sure, let's get some of it over with. I'd rather mail it all in rather than going to the office."
"Mhm," I hummed. I reached into my bag. Marissa had relaxed and gone back to smiling lightly, but it felt like I'd caught a glimpse of a part of her that lurked just under the surface. One that could spring out at a moment's notice. It would do me well to be wary of it. There was more to Marissa than she was showing me now. I put some papers on the table along with a pen. "Let's start with these…"
_
"So, how does it feel to be owned, Goldie?" Jenna asked.
I rolled my eyes and flopped next to her on the couch. I was exhausted. Marissa and I had spent an hour going over paperwork. Every document I read spelled out all the ways I was owned and all the privileges I'd lost. There were no loopholes and only the bare minimum rights guaranteed by the state. It hadn't been worth reading every word of them the way I had.
"The law says she owns me, but she agreed that's not what she wanted. The most we're going to be is friends."
"Really?"
I put my feet on Jenna's lap. She set her hand on my ankles and started to massage the muscles there. She knew the names of each one and exactly where to touch to loosen them up. I sighed quietly in appreciation.
"Why do you sound surprised?"
Jenna shrugged. She had a softer, rounder face. On most other people, I thought it would've been out of place on her tall, muscular frame, but she made it work. "She sort of has that dominant air to her. It's the same sort of vibe Clara gives off."
"I didn't notice. I was too busy watching myself get demoted into a second-class citizen," I said, choosing to ignore how she'd talked to me when I came out. "Even if she wanted to own me though, she said she was too busy with work and everything else to do it right. So it's never happening. And I don't want that. Not that there's anything wrong with it," I added quickly.
It wasn't entirely true. I'd never been able to shake the weird feeling seeing people who were owned gave me. The way they went along with whatever their owners or masters said made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. Seeing one of them get punished in public was uncomfortable. I hated how hard it was to look away from and how tense and breathless seeing something like it could get me. My primal lizard brain screamed danger when it encountered something like it.
"That's good. I really like Marissa. I was afraid the rest of our lives were going to be extremely fucking awkward if the two of you didn't get along."
"I'm lucky. We get along well. I like her too. She'll be a good friend," I said. I swung my legs off Jenna's lep and pressed myself into her side.
Jenna wrapped her arm around my shoulder and pulled me in close. I relaxed in a way I hadn't been able to do all day. Cuddling Jenna like this was therapeutic. I could always rely on her to keep me steady.
"By the way, we need to do some paperwork," I mumbled. "All my assets are going to be transferred to your name before Marissa and I submit the rest of the soulmate paperwork."
"Oh? I'm going to own you too now?"
"No, but you're going to make sure that I'm safe and that everything I've worked for stays exactly where I want it to be. I know you're never going to fuck me over. Marissa… She's fine, but I don't know. That doesn't work for me."
"I'll take care of it for you," Jenna said. She kissed the top of my head. "We'll do it tomorrow and get it submitted."
"Thank you," I said. I knew Jenna would say yes, but hearing her confirm it soothed half my anxiety. The other half of it would stay until the bank approved the changes.
"Of course," Janna said. She moved her hand to the back of my neck and started to massage. I let my head hang forward. Electric waves of pleasure spread through me.
"Fuck, I've been so stressed. I need this," I said.
"Yeah. Me too. This is a lot," Jenna said. Her typically rich, smooth voice had turned quiet and serious.
"You're not owned at least."
"Well, according to you, you're not either. So now we can both be equally stressed instead of having a contest about it."
"If there was a contest, I'd win it," I said.
"I don't think that's one you're supposed to want to win."
"I'd still win."
Jenna laughed. Our heat kicked on and started to warm the room. I slowly lowered myself onto Jenna's lap belly first. She started to rub my back. I put my head arms, drifting off into a pleasant half-sleep. I was going to have to find a way to pay Jenna back for being extra kind and patient with me for the last week. She'd insist that I didn't owe her anything; if I were in her shoes, I'd say the same, but it meant a lot that she was going out of her way to help me feel less stressed.
Of all the changes we'd gone through since we'd gotten our companion mark at 13, this was the biggest. It was insane to think that something could be bigger than my transition, but this definitely was. My transition was more personal. It didn't affect Jenna that much. A new soulmate mark? That did. There was so much more to account for. We'd long since figured out our dynamic and how we slotted into one another's lives. We'd done everything together for so long. We'd been so sure that we'd only ever have one another. We were fine with that. Happy even. But then here came a new soulmate mark at 24.
I couldn't imagine being 19 or 20 like some people were and being thrown straight into an ownership dynamic. If I didn't have Jenna at my side to help keep me safe, I might've had a complete breakdown. No matter how weird ownership dynamics could make me feel, I had a newfound appreciation for the bravery and tenacity of the submissives in them.
"I know you're stressed too," I said, stopping myself from completely falling asleep. Jenna needed support and acknowledgment too. "Getting a partner mark is a lot too. I know this is hard for you too."
"I am, but honestly, if it was me who get a pet mark, I wouldn't have taken it even 1 percent as well as you did. Like I said before, I like Marissa a lot, too. We click in a way that I've only ever clicked with you. Once we're done moving and life is back to normal, I think all the stress will have been more than worth it."
I nodded slightly, remembering the day I had met Jenna. Our chemistry had been instant. At 10 years old after our first conversation while playing kickball with some of the neighbors, I knew Jenna and I would be best friends for the rest of our lives. I hadn't needed the mark to prove it.
I hadn't clicked like that with Marissa. She was nice, she listened, and I might've been her friend in another situation, but I wasn't drawn to her. It made me even more convinced that the universe had somehow gotten this one wrong.
"I hope so," I said.
_
I lay on the floor in a pile of blankets, exhausted from moving. Every time I did this, I promised myself to get rid of some stuff, but when it came down to it, I never had the heart to. It all would go back into a closet for me to not look at again.
I didn't think it would happen this fast, but it turned out the apartment that Marissa had toured was nearly perfect. She'd sent us all the information, complete with pictures and little notes on what few things did have problems, so we could point it out to the landlord and prevent any possibility of being held accountable.
She was as thorough as Jenn and I were combined. I was impressed. Jenna was too. We sent in our application and reserved the apartment as soon as we'd finished reading everything she'd sent over.
Then, a week later, on Saturday our lease ended, and we packed up our things to spend the whole day moving. Things were moving so fast. I hadn't seen Marissa in person since our talk at the cafe, but I texted her plenty, and Jenna, her, and I had shared several long phone calls. The three of us slipped into a rhythm so easily. I only hoped it stayed that way.
Marissa walked in, carrying two boxes stacked on top of one another. She was sweating, but she was still going as strong as she had two hours ago. So was Jenna. The two of them almost seemed like they were enjoying this.
"There are still more things in the truck," Marissa said. She set her boxes next to me and looked down at me.
"We got all the big stuff," I replied.
"Jenna and I got the big stuff," Marissa teased. "But we have plenty of smaller things left that we could help with. We want to get this done today."
"But I'm tired," I whined. I sat up and gave Marissa my best kitten eyes. "Let me take a break at least. I've been going non-stop all day."
That shouldn't have been a question. It should've been me telling her I was going to take a break. I didn't need her permission. I shouldn't have been asking for it. But I had. And by the sharpening of Marissa's eyes, she noticed too.
I felt like I'd been thrown into a deep end of a pool. My tiredness didn't prevent all my attention from going to Marissa. She was being intense again, like she had been back at the restaurant and a surprising amount of times since. Jenna was right. She had a very similar vibe as Clara, even if she hid it better.
Marissa squatted in front of me. I froze. Slowly, she reached out, and pet the top of my head. Blunt nails dog into my head. I half-closed my eyes on instinct as a little shiver worked its way through me. Something about how intense she was being right now, the steel behind her eyes, made it feel twice as good as usual. I leaned a bit into it.
"Okay, you've been good all day. You can rest," she said.
The words hit me like a punch to the gut. The sudden rush of something knocked me out of whatever lull Marissa had put me in. I gained enough control of my body to push myself back. At the same time, Marissa seemed to realize what she was doing and how it looked for her to pet me and for me to lean into it. She yanked her hand away and stood up, rubbing the sweat from my hair off against her pants. It didn't look like she was blushing, but I knew mine was bright and visible.
"I'm going to work on some stuff," I said, because I needed to fill the air and I needed something, anything to throw my energy into that wasn't thinking about her hand in my hair and how nice it had been to have her tell me I didn't have to do anything anymore.
Fuck, I wasn't a pet. I wasn't. Maybe all the romance movies I'd watched for work had been a bad idea. Ownership dynamics were a small, but growing slice of the romance genre, and the last film I'd watched had been an unfortunately good owner/pet one. I blamed it for the thoughts I was having. Marissa and I had already determined the Universe had made a mistake.
We weren't like that.
"That sounds good, Lauren. Most of what's left is mine, anyway," Marissa said like she was speaking with a difficult coworker. She'd been calling me Goldie lately, the nickname I'd been stuck with since elementary school on account of my bright blond hair, because of Jenna. Not doing it now only made things more uncomfortable.
The door swung open. "There is still more stuff to move, we're not done yet," she said. She walked inside, then stopped when she saw us. She set her boxes down, put her hands on her hips, and started to look back and forth between us. I hoped my blush wasn't still visible.
I knew it was.
"Are y'all good?" Jenna asked.
"Fine. We were just talking," Marissa said.
"Talking?" Jenna said, her tone thick with implication. Her smile was the one she got when she found something that embarrassed me. "About what?"
"Nothing. We're done now. It's fine."
"Mm. Okay." Jenna stretched her arms over her head. "Well if you're done, come help. We're almost done."
"Actually — I told her could sit out. She said she has work to do. And she's tired. I'll pick up her slack," Marissa said.
Jenna raised her eyebrows. "Really?"
"Yeah. I've got it I can take care of -- it. I can take care of it. It’s good.”
For some stupid reason, something deep inside me twisted. I laid back on the floor and covered my face. In any other situation, I wouldn't have let Marissa talk for me, but my humiliation was burning too hot and I didn't have the words to continue the conversation.
"You good with that Lauren?"
Fuck, why was she asking me? Why couldn't she accept what Mariss said?
"Mhm."
"You know, it's interesting that you're letting her speak for you. I thought you hated that."
"I do!" I shouted. "Can you just drop it? I'm tired. I literally had this conversation a minute ago. I didn't want to repeat it. Chill." I hadn't meant to snap at her, but I needed both of them to stop looking at me. If I wasn't so tired, I may have left the apartment.
"Don't worry, I'm very chill. I promise," Jenna said. "Well — Marissa? You ready?'
"Let's do it."
They walked out. I rubbed circles on my temples with my fingers. I needed to get myself under control. I couldn't make things weird. The last thing I needed to do was make things more complicated than they already.
_
I yawned. This film was beyond boring. I was spending more time browsing my social media and responding to emails than paying attention and taking notes. My review wouldn't suffer for it. There was only so much you could say about something this uninspired. The director had no creative vision and even though the actors were giving it their all, you couldn't act your way out of a script that seemed like it was written by a middle school girl.
The premise should’ve been hard to fuck up too. The main pair were rivals on opposite hockey teams! All the tension you could ever need was handed to you by the premise! How was it that nothing ever felt like it had stakes?
I had been looking forward to diving into a romance that wasn't a soulmates one. Ever since they'd appeared, the genre had become supersaturated by them. Yeah, everyone had them, but romance could still happen between people the universe didn't throw together. It happened all the time. There were plenty of people who didn't have romantic soulmate marks, who fell in love with someone the universe hadn't assigned to them.
I dreamed that one day, that would be me. That I would meet someone and I'd fall in love with them by choice. Nothing would be there to guarantee that my choice was the right one. I'd only have my conviction that I was correct. There was so much power in that. So much romance. I loved Jenna with all my heart and I knew better than to think our love was any worse than a love between people who the universe hadn't put together, but that didn't change that there was something uniquely compelling about non-soulmate bonds.
Not that the film so much as scraped the surface of any of that.
A door shut. I jumped and my head snapped away from the TV. I saw light coming out from under the bathroom door. I took a deep breath and settled back down. Marissa or Jenna must've been there. Despite their size, the two of them moved ten times as gracefully as I could. It turned out that, in the process of getting jacked, you learned a lot about your body and how to move it the way you wanted to. Who'd have guessed?
The toilet flushed and Marissa walked out. Instead of going back to her room, she walked into the living room and looked at me. I paused the movie. 20 minutes left. Ugh.
"What's up?" I asked. I didn't bother trying to be quiet. Jenna was a heavy sleeper.
"It's 2 AM. Why are you still up?"
"Work," I said, gesturing at the screen. "Is it keeping you awake?" I had it on so quietly that I could barely hear the dialogue and was relying on the subtitles, but I was willing to mute it completely if she wanted to. I wouldn't be missing much.
"No, but you should be asleep. This is bad for your sleep schedule."
I rolled my eyes. She'd been living with me for two weeks. She knew how bad my sleep schedule was and that I had no intention of correcting it, but she seemed intent on riding me about it, along with some of my other bad habits. This was her most explicit attempt yet. I needed to tell her 'no' firmly. She needed to know that she couldn't tell me what to do.
"It's fine. I pick my own hours. I can do whatever," I said, which was not what I was supposed to say. I didn't need to convince her of anything. Why was I trying?
"Beyond the long-term health consequences, not sleeping enough makes you less productive and makes the quality of your work suffer. You're better off sleeping enough than trying to stay up."
I shrugged. "Yeah, well, I have to do this, so I'm going to —"
"Lauren."
I went still. Marissa had stopped smiling. Her voice had that steel that made all my thoughts screech to a halt. She came closer. The blue of the screen backlit her and made her look even more intimidating. I shrunk back on the couch. I had to regain control. I couldn't let this happen.
"You're being bossier than usual lately," I said. I sounded meek, but at least I said it. It was a start. "You've been nagging me a lot. I can handle myself."
"I'm only nagging you because you're not taking good care of yourself."
"I think I'm doing fine, but even if I wasn't, why does that matter?" I said. I was struggling not to let my voice get any louder than it was. Even if Jenna could sleep through a conversation, she wasn't going to sleep through shouting. "We're roommates. That's what we agreed to. You can't just tell me what to do."
"We're not just roommates, we're friends. I would tell any of my friends the same thing. And right now, I'm telling you you should sleep."
"I don't want to sleep. I'm not even tired." It was a lie, but I wasn't going to give an inch. "And I need to finish this movie so I can get my review going. It needs to be posted by Saturday night."
"Why are you doing this so late? What were you doing all day?"
"It's none of your business."
"Lauren—"
"Christ, Marissa, can you please fuck off?"
As soon as the words left my mouth, I knew I'd fucked up. Marissa was being annoying, but that was uncalled for.
"Look I — that wasn't — I—"
She didn't let me finish. In one huge step, she was right in front of me, her hand wrapping around the back of my neck and squeezing. She didn't press on any nerves, but the sudden pressure made me feel like I'd been scruffed like a cat. My body went limp. My mouth dropped open. Marissa forced my head up so I was looking into her eyes. I realized I was panting.
"Do not disrespect me like that again, understood?" Marissa said.
"Yes," I whimpered.
"Good. Now, listen to me. You're up at 2:00 AM, doing something I know you could've done earlier. You're trying to make up for it now, but why? Go to sleep at a normal time, wake up early, and do it when you're refreshed. Then next time, don't procrastinate."
"Okay."
"Are you saying okay because you mean it or to get me to stop?" Marissa said. "Because if it's the latter, we're going to end up right back here."
I shut my eyes. I felt shaky. I could barely think past this moment, let alone consider what it would be like if she did this again. It was surrender, but agreeing now, promising to not stay up, and then hiding it from Marissa if I did, was the best option. She couldn't get me like this again. It made me feel too fragile.
Too vulnerable.
"I mean it. I promise."
Her fingers dug deeper into my neck and started to rub. My eyes fluttered. I couldn't stop the moan. It felt so good. Jenna did this for me sometimes, but her touch didn't make me feel like I was burning up. Marissa's did. It made me feel small. It made me feel like I was the only thing in the world.
"Good girl," Mariss said, sounding almost possessed.
I shuddered hard. I could feel goosebumps raising all over my body. What was she doing to me? My head rolled forward and hit her stomach. She released my neck and ran her nails through my scalp. Sleep crept up on me, promising to drag me down.
"Let's get you to sleep. Have you brushed your teeth yet?" Marissa asked.
"Mm no."
"Teeth first. Let's go."
She herded me up and pushed me into the bathroom. She stood close behind me as she grabbed my toothbrush from the cup, put toothpaste on it, and stuck it in my head. A part of me half-expected her to do it for me.
She stayed almost pressed against me as I brushed. I made sure to be more thorough than usual. I didn't need her nagging me for this too. When I spat, I saw blood. Marissa clicked her tongue. Her dissapointement hurt. I wanted to sink to the floor with shame.
"You're going to start brushing your teeth better too," she said. She plucked the brush from my hand, washed it, and set it back in the cup. I was too cowed to stop her.
"Let's get you to sleep," she said.
Every part of me screamed that I should agree. That I needed to do whatever Marissa told me as soon as she said it, without question. It would be so much easier to do that. As much as I didn't want to admit it, she was right, both about the sleep and my failure to brush my teeth well enough. But I — I'd already given her so much. My head was fuzzy. It almost felt like trance. It set alarm bells off in me. Marissa shouldn't have been pushing me anywhere close to that state. Trance was submission. I couldn't give her submission. We'd already agreed to avoid anything like that. I needed to put my foot down.
"There are only 20 minutes left," I said. "Let me finish it, then I'll go. I promise. It's already so late. It doesn't matter now. Please."
"You shouldn't."
"Please," I begged. I leaned on the counter. This wasn't a no. This was the opposite of a no. I was letting her make the choice. It proved that this wasn't like trance though. I wouldn't have been able to ask for anything when I was like that. At least like this, I had moderately more control. Maybe. Hopefully?
Could I say I had control, when I'd let a no from her send me to bed?
Marissa sighed. "Fine. I'm finishing it with you though and as soon as it's over, I'm taking you to bed."
I was so relieved to hear that. I didn't know if it was because she was letting me finish my work, because she was staying with me, or because she was taking a step back away from the terrifying cliff we seemed to keep dancing at the edge of. I didn't want to know. I didn't want to think.
Marissa stepped away and led me back into the living room. We sat next to one another, our legs touching. I turned the movie back on, but my skin itched. I kept looking at her hands. I wanted them on me so bad. I felt like I was drifting away without them.
I leaned into her side, hoping she wouldn't humiliate me further by making me ask for what I wanted. Thankfully, she silently wrapped her arm around my shoulder. I thought it'd stay there, but after a minute, she pulled me down and moved me so I was splayed out on her lap. She started to stroke me from my head to my upper back. I bit the inside of my cheek to stop myself from making noise. It felt so fucking good. It made me shiver. Made my body flush with heat, which made the trance-like state she put me in so much worse. I needed to tell her to stop.
I didn't.
What did it matter if I let her do this too? She'd so clearly won our battle tonight. I'd surrendered. There was no point in continuing a battle I knew I'd lost. Tomorrow, I'd set my boundaries and make it clear that something like this could never happen again. For now, I'd let myself indulge.
I'd admit, in the safety of my mind and only for a second, that I sort of liked how she was treating me.
The movie had a predictable ending. One of the leads got injured, and the other lead left the game to make sure she got the care she needed, showing the audience there was love was more powerful than their rivalry. Executed by someone else, it could've been good. Executed by this film, it only felt corny.
The film ended after a brief happily-ever-epilogue, then faded to black. I found that, with Marissa's body touching mine, it was hard to be as harsh on the movie as I was before. Maybe it didn't deserve 1 star, when 2 would do the trick.
"That's it," Marissa said. She shut my laptop, rolled me onto my back, and then cradled me. In one fluid motion, she stood. I clung to her neck. "Bedtime."
I nodded against her chest.
I thought she'd take me to my room. She didn't. We didn't go to her room either. Instead, she carried me into Jenna's. I saw Marrissa's pillow next to hers. She must've been sleeping in there. It wasn't unusual. I slept with Jenna a decent amount too. There was a reason she had bought a Wyoming king.
Marissa set me in the center of the bed next to Jenna, then crawled in after me. Before I could do anything else embarrassing, I threw a leg over Jennan's and put my head on her chest. She didn't stir. I closed my eyes. Marissa's arms slid around me. Her chest pressed against my back. She was spooning me. I didn't mind. She was so warm. Her pressure behind me and Jenna's in front of me made me feel safe.
"Goodnight," Marissa whispered. Her lips ghosted against my cheek. My heart skipped a beat. I felt something that I didn't want to put a name to.
Not when it was easier to not think about it and sleep.