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i
It's one of those quiet nights Dorian has learned to appreciate.
Bull is solid and warm behind him, Dorian is pretty sure he has actually fallen asleep and the thought makes him smile. There was a time, after all, when Bull had a perfect plan how to kill him without Dorian making a single noise.
Dorian shakes his head at the grim thought, or rather at the fact that they've come so far from those wrecked times in Haven. Bull's arms are curled around his torso, secure and a touch more firm than usually.
Dorian turns the pages of his book absent-mindedly and tries not to acknowledge the uneasiness that bothers him. Bull huffs a warm yawn in the back of his neck and kisses his shoulder softly.
”Kadan,” he murmurs. Bull is like that, he likes to shower that word constantly among kisses, caresses, touches and whispers. It was long before Dorian learned how to answer in kind.
”Did you pretend this whole time, amatus?” Dorian asks and licks his forefinger before turning another page. The candles are starting to burn out and the shadows start to grow.
Bull stiffens.
”What do you mean?” His thumb moves subtly in circles under Dorian's shirt. It still makes Dorian shiver like in that first night. The night he used to be ashamed of.
He chuckles and turns to look at him. Bull looks oddly uneasy and Dorian frowns.
”The sleeping,” he answers and something flickers in Bull's eye. Dorian kisses his scarred nose.
Then Bull grins. ”Of course, kadan.”
Bull pulls the book from Dorian's loose grip and tosses it on the floor.
”You didn't fool me.”
”Of course I didn't.”
”Some spy you are.”
”That I am.”
Dorian throws his head back and can't help the laugh that pours from his mouth easily. Bull's face softens. He strokes the beauty spot under Dorian's eye.
”There's something I've got to tell you.”
Dorian leans slightly away from him. ”You sound serious,” he states.
”I am.”
Dorian suffocates the nervous laugh that tries to push past his lips. He doesn't like serious. He doesn't like the too soft look on Bull's eye and lips.
He clears his throat. Bull repeats the gesture, only to tease. Dorian tries to smile.
”I've got a letter for you,” Bull says after a horrifyingly long pause. He pulls an envelope from his pocket and Maker's breath, after all this time, how could Dorian never notice the pants actually have pockets. It's a silly thing to focus on but Dorian's heart beat has quicken too fast.
”A letter,” Dorian repeats and reaches out to take take it. Bull lifts it from his grasp making Dorian's eyebrows rise.
”Not yet,” Bull denies with a smirk and Dorian pouts as if it made the edgy feeling go away.
”When?” he asks and Bull taps his own, grinning, lips like he's considering.
”Soon.”
The grin disappears and that makes everything far worse. Dorian wants to slap the other man.
”When?” he demands because Dorian is still an impatient man no matter how he's grown like the years.
”You'll know when,” Bull promises. ”No cheating, though,” he laughs like the idea just occurred to him now.
”Why?” Dorian inches further from Bull but the qunari pulls him back from his shirt's collar. Kisses his brow. Dorian doesn't see how his eye closes.
”Do this for me.”
”I don't –”
”Please.”
Dorian can't help the flinch because Bull never asks for anything. Certainly doesn't beg anything for himself. Something is wrong, Dorian knows this but there's nothing he can do. Bull's like a statue and impossible to stagger.
”Fine,” Dorian promises angrily and Bull's smile is almost worth the hole in his stomach. Bull leans into kiss him and Dorian can't help the tears that starts to swell behind his eyes even when he doesn't know what is going on.
”Now let's get you to bed and I'll take care of you.”
Bull's lips are rough and Dorian can't shake away the thought that he kisses like this is the last time.
ii
It takes for many days before Dorian remembers Bull's words. The fucking letter.
Dorian rips it in half only to collect it together when the anger has changed into something like sorrow. He stares at it, disbelievingly for far too long. It doesn't make any sense.
Everything in my life was a lie except for you. I'm sorry.
Dorian laughs. It's not even a letter. Not a real one and not an explanation.
Maybe it's even another lie.