Work Text:
There are so many ways to say “I love you”.
Sunoo thought he had said them all, but one could always be wrong.
Being an idol, the days, the hours, sometimes it felt like it didn't matter. Time was always the same. There were few pleasures that reminded one that you were human. The fans were always a wire to the ground, but sometimes it never seemed to be enough.
There were moments when Sunoo felt like he could fly away.
His passion, however, had always been to shine. It was his ground wire. Achieving fame had been everything to him; there was no other place he wanted to be. Being able to earn a living from what he liked the most —singing, dancing— it was simply an incomparable pleasure. And he could share it with his bandmates, all of them with the same passion. They were a solar system, so beautiful, planets revolving around the sun. Although sometimes they floated farther from each other, they always revolved close to each other.
They had worked so hard to get to where they were… their passion would always drive them to more. None of them regretted anything.
Except…
Sunoo sometimes thought of Sunghoon. Sometimes Sunghoon's planet flew far, far away from the sun. So far away that it was very difficult to bring it back into orbit, or to understand what was happening on its planet. Sunghoon had a very particular way of building walls around himself without anyone noticing, until it was too late. Sunoo still had trouble taking them down today, despite being the most experienced at it.
Sunghoon did fly away sometimes. And those times, he seemed unreachable. As if he was never going to come back, although in the end he always gave up..
Sunoo didn't know how to help him. He seemed to be in pain.
He wondered if Sunghoon was suffering. What would it feel like to do something you weren't so passionate about? Would Sunghoon suffer his whole life doing something he didn't like? But when he was dancing, rapping, being on stage under everyone's gaze, he looked so happy...
However, Sunoo was sure that something was missing. Something that no one, not even him, could give him.
*
Sunoo knew he wasn’t Sunghoon's first love.
And the first love is the one that always hurts, more than any other, to leave behind.
“Hoonie…”
Again, Sunghoon's gaze was far away, despite the fact that he held Sunoo's hand with the delicacy of a crystal.
“Mmm?”
Sunoo stared at him. Everyone had gotten out of the truck except them. Sunghoon hadn't even reacted when the manager asked them to come down.
“Do you miss it?”
Sunghoon's eyes finally landed on him. They were usually full of affection, but at the moment they looked confused. Behind the wall that he had immediately built, Sunoo also saw pain.
"You don't have to hide it from me. I know you do.”
Sunghoon sighed, holding his hand tighter.
"It was my decision," he said firmly. As if that was all.
“It doesn't mean you can't miss it.”
The pain was there, hidden, but Sunoo knew it was there. He could feel it, physically making the tension in Sunghoon's shoulders seem unbearable to watch.
"Shall we go?" Sunghoon changed the subject, reaching for the van’s door handle. “I'm very tired, and I want to take a shower before Jungwon takes an insufferable long shower.”
Sunoo sighed and released his hand so he could come down the van.
He watched him through the window go to the door of the building, his heart aching.
He knew Sunghoon's heart ached, too, but he didn't know how to help him fill that missing part of him. Nothing could fill it, not even the love that Sunoo gave him would complete that missing piece. It was going to be a wound that would never stop bleeding, and they both knew it.
Maybe he shouldn't bring it up again.
It had been Sunghoon's decision. He should respect it. Sunghoon's pain was his alone, and if he didn't want to share it with him, it was fine…
*
The night was very cold, and Sunghoon's bed was always warm and ready to receive him.
Sunghoon's arms were always firm, warm, and safe.
"It's not that I don't want to talk about it," Sunghoon whispered after a while, his lips pressed against Sunoo's blond hair. “But sometimes it hurts… it hurts so much that I don't know how to deal with it.”
Sunoo hid his tear-stained face into Sunghoon's chest.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. He squeezed Sunghoon's shirt tight. “I'm so sorry.”
"You don't have to be sorry. It's just my fault. But this is what I chose, I can't regret it. That's how I met you. It is the decision I made. I couldn't turn back time, I couldn't leave you behind.”
"We can always manage,” Sunoo insisted, “I just want you to be happy. If you leave this, we'll still see each other. Nothing else matters. You just have to be happy.”
"Someday," Sunghoon replied, his voice choked. “Some day.”
Sunoo closed his eyes. And when he fell asleep, he dreamed of the future.
Sunghoon dreamed of the past. He carried it like a fresh wound, like a tattoo that would never heal.
*
There was a boy who loved ice skating.
That boy had left all the efforts of his childhood in competitions, exhaustive training, traveling; in the nerves, in the sweat, in the lack of friends, in the demand.
That boy, one day, decided to give up the dream of the Olympic competition to dedicate himself to being an idol. An alternative dream that he had always liked, and seemed more approachable to him.
It was an easier path. At least, easier compared to being an Olympic medalist.
They had all agreed.
He left behind his swollen feet, the sharp skates, the cries of frustration, the painful calluses, the annoying sequins, the insufferable screams of the coaches and his suffocating dream of wearing a gold medal around his neck.
Instead, he debuted after tough competition as an idol and gained six friends who he knew would stick with him through thick and thin. A family that would always accompany him. Genuine people, company and friends that he had never, ever had. He had felt loved. He had found a home.
But still.
There was his past. And he could never let it go.
But he had to leave the skating rink behind. The noise of the skates on the rink, the machine rumbling slowly in the stadium, the sound of the lockers, the blades being sharpened, the instructions of the teachers, the music of the choreographies, the exhaustive warm-ups.
He had to leave the ice behind.
And although he did not regret it, it always, always hurt. And that pain, he carried it always with him, like a tattoo. A very painful one.
In his new group, he had found everything: love and friendship. Sunoo would always be the love of his life, of that he was sure. He would never love someone again like he loved him. Sunoo was everything to him. And Sunoo shined so brightly on stage that Sunghoon wanted to be with him with every step he took under the bright lights of the show. He liked the path they were walking together, and wherever it led, he would walk it willingly.
He shouldn't miss anything else. Being an idol was good. He had decided to leave the ice behind, for something different. He had found more than he had bargained for in the first place. He couldn't complain.
He shouldn't miss it.
Shouldn't.
*
Sunoo had gifted him some rollers, for their first anniversary together.
Sunghoon used them all his free time. At dance practices, at the Hybe hall, behind the scenes of their MVs, at dance saloons before some stage, when rehearsing for concerts.
Still, Sunoo knew it would never be enough.
It was almost painful to watch Sunghoon skate. All of the members left him alone, to enjoy, to have his own time doing what he loved most.
Some liked to dance, others to sing. Of course, everyone knew, Sunghoon loved to skate.
They all knew that even when Sunghoon did his best as an idol (he was amazing at it) there was something else that he would always be better at.
Sometimes they spent whole evenings watching Sunghoon on his rollers, going from here to there, annoying the staff, spinning around with the biggest smile.
They all knew how he could be happier.
But none of them could endure losing Sunghoon to something bigger.
Still, they were all willing to sacrifice all they had just for Sunghoon to follow his bigger dream, the path where he belonged from the beginning. That invisible tattoo he carried on his back, sometimes hidden, sometimes bigger than the whole world.
They would give him everything.
Jungwon was the first to suggest it. Sunghoon lifted even higher his walls.
“I will not leave you, guys. I don’t care. I choose this. You can’t force me to change paths now.”
They had to accept it.
Still…
Jake was the first to have the idea.
“What if we gift him something for his birthday?”
*
The week that passed, kept Sunoo full of doubts.
What if what they chose to gift Sunghoon was wrong?
What if Sunghoon got mad at him? At them?
He hated not knowing what to expect in such a delicate situation.
Each night he slept closer to his boyfriend, as if he could bury himself under his skin.
Each kiss they shared was filled with uncertainty.
I don't want to lose you, his lips said.
Sunghoon, even if Sunoo didn't know it, always responded.
You won’t.
**
Sunoo held on tightly to Sunghoon's hand, gently guiding him down the clear path, trying to keep his boyfriend from bumping into anything. He had put headphones on him to drown out the background noise, even though it was nothing more than silence and the faint roar of machines, and covered his eyes with a handkerchief, but he doubted Sunghoon hadn't noticed.
It was in his blood, after all. He was born for it.
Judging by the way Sunghoon's posture had tensed the instant they entered the stadium, Sunoo knew there was no use trying to cover his senses.
“Ready?”
“Yeah.”
Sunoo carefully removed the headphones and blindfold, letting Sunghoon get used to the stadium light.
It was cold, but Sunghoon was in flames.
The stadium was completely empty, and a pair of skates were waiting for Sunghoon. His skates from when he was still doing it, but adapted to his new foot size.
Sunoo's jaw was trembling with anxiety, but he didn't want to ruin the moment.
Sunghoon didn't say anything for a while, just looking at the ice rink with suspiciously bright eyes. Sunoo conceded, not wanting to break the magic of that moment by saying something inappropriate. Maybe there was nothing to say.
Sunghoon was reuniting with his first love after many years.
Finally, Sunghoon turned to Sunoo and pulled him into a very tight hug. Sunoo felt short of breath, but it was warm. It was his home. He would give Sunghoon anything to make him happy. He would sacrifice anything, the whole world, just for him. He would crush his own dreams with the palm of his hand just for Sunghoon to fulfill his own.
Sunoo looked up at him with tears in his eyes, barely pulling away from the hug. Sunghoon was looking at him too, but he also seemed to be in a trance. As if he was beyond that moment. As if he was already skating in his spirit.
Sunoo gently caressed Sunghoon’s cheeks, and gave him his most radiant smile.
"Go," he said simply.
Sunghoon looked at him for a long moment, and then gave him a small kiss on the lips before pulling away.
The kiss tasted like anxiety, instability.
It tasted like a reunion.
The skater went to where the skates were, and methodically put them on, as if he were performing a ritual. Sunoo left him alone and went to sit upstairs in the stands where he had a good view of the ice rink. He was just a spectator; that day it was just for Sunghoon.
The rink was his.
Sunghoon's first steps on the court were slow, feeling his way around the terrain that had been so familiar to him before. The noise of the blades scraping across the ice seemed like sparks of magic in Sunoo's ears.
Sunghoon's face was expressionless as he began to slide across the ice, warming up. His slow steps soon became quick strides, gracefully pacing the ice rink from one end to the other, taking several turns to warm up. His slender figure stood straight, his hands behind his back.
His face changed with the passing of the minutes. His serious expression and concentration soon began to light up, between small smiles, each movement he made was filling his face with the most pure light. His arms came loose. Suddenly the whole rink belonged to him.
It was him, the Ice Prince.
Sunoo had no idea the language of skating, nor what Sunghoon was doing, but… but he looked like he was at home. As if he had been reunited with his first love after years, as if all the pieces of his heart were finally where they should be.
Sunghoon was home. Home, home, home.
Sunoo felt his face wet; he was crying. He had no idea why (he did), but his eyes kept shedding thick tears as he watched Sunghoon do a thousand spins, his eyes like a half-moon in the most genuine smile Sunoo had seen in a long time, his laughter of pure happiness reverberating through the stadium like the missing music from a choreography Sunghoon knew by heart.
Sunghoon was home.
Sunoo loved him, more than anything in the world. God, how he loved him. And seeing him happy was simply a trip to the stars.
If Sunghoon someday finally decided to give up everything and take up ice skating, Sunoo would never hold it against him. He would support him no matter what; and he knew the rest of Enhypen would do too. That was the place where Sunghoon belonged, even though on top of a stage he also shone like a star specially painted for the most beautiful sky.
But here, Sunghoon was the sun, so bright it was blinding.
Sunoo buried his face in his hands and cried for Sunghoon, for the love of his life that he had had to leave behind.
There weren't even words to describe the grief he felt at that moment. But seeing Sunghoon happy was all he needed to also heal.
"Someday," he reminded himself. Some day.
Sunghoon seemed to hear him, but not understand him. He stopped in the middle of the track and looked up at him, smiling, so radiant he was a supernova.
"Someday," Sunghoon said, "when the company lets us out of the dormitories, would you like to move in together?"
Sunoo laughed, incredibly happy despite the tears streaming down his face.
"Yeah. And when we're older, we'll have our own skating rink," Sunoo assured him, "and will be able to skate on it every day of your life, until we're very, very old. I promise you we will.”
Sunghoon's happy face twisted into a grimace, and even though he was too far away to get a good look at it, Sunoo knew that Sunghoon was crying.
“I love you,” Sunghoon said, his voice choking with tears. “I don't even know how to thank you for this.”
“I love you too. And you don't have to thank me for anything. Just stay with me until we move together, until we grow older, until you can have your own rink to be happy every day of our lives.”
Sunghoon nodded effusively, running his jacket sleeve across his face to wipe away the tears that didn’t stop falling.
"Skate for me," Sunoo told him, seeing that Sunghoon had pulled himself together.
That supernova smile was back on his boyfriend's face.
Sunoo knew that he wanted to grow old with him.
So he watched him, dedicated, knowing that with each somersault, he would love him more, if that was even possible.
That tattoo would never fade.
And some day, some day…
He would show it to the whole world again.