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Spiderman is the right one

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No one really remembered how it all began. Just that everyone started out knowing that it would happen eventually and still ended up being surprised As. Fuck.

It was one of those evenings when no one was in the mood to be the Sole Sober S(h)itter, as they called it, and everyone was bad on a different level at keeping count, so they ended up being equally accused of being the next in line. In the end, they just roamed Kenma’s room for video games and got shitfaced at home on the couch.

Maybe it was a stupid idea to mix up their dynamics. It was usually Kuroo and Tsukishima versus Bokuto and Akaashi, sometimes Kuroo and Bokuto versus Tsukishima and Akaashi and almost never Bokuto and Tsukishima versus Kuroo and Akaashi. But on that evening, Bokuto was so keen on winning that he insisted on having the unbeaten champion on his team. Nobody was eager to reject a drunken Bokuto, especially on such an (assumedly) harmless request, so Tsukishima just shrugged and sat down next to him.

“What are we playing?”

“I managed to snatch Mario Kart before Kenma threw me out.” Kuroo proudly presented the game case, while Akaashi and Bokuto grumbled, “Again?”

“He defended Splatoon with his tiny, breakable body, so what was I supposed to do?”

“Tickle him!” shouted Bokuto.

“Blackmail,” suggested Tsukishima.

“Just ask nicely?” Akaashi said, throwing the other two a glare.

Kuroo was already putting the game into the WiiU and handing everyone their preferred controller. He himself settled down on the floor next to Akaashi's feet, sporting a red steering wheel. “Anyway, it’s too late now. We already made him lock the door,” he said good-naturedly. “Is anyone up for another shot before we start?”

“Yes!” sounded three voices at varying levels of excitement. They ended up having five shots before they started. Mostly because Mario Kart was losing its novelty and everyone knew who was going to win in the end – it didn't make a difference that Kuroo somehow managed to make Tsukishima drink twice as much, at least not in the outcome of the game.

Bokuto's loud whooping marked the end of the first game and it was probably what started everything, because Bokuto couldn't just whoop, he had to jump on Tsukishima and shake him and continuously scream: “We did it! Oh man, you're the best! I'm never playing with those other losers again!”

Tsukishima was already swaying heavily and did not welcome being shaken. “Can someone please turn him off?” he begged.

Someone really should have, but Kuroo and Akaashi went conveniently deaf for the moment.

“You are the BOSS!” shouted Bokuto, to which Tsukishima replied with an ungrateful “uff!” Bokuto probably would have continued shouting, if Tsukishima hadn't lifted his hands to his face and pushed his cheeks together until Bokuto looked like a blowfish – blessedly mute like one, too. No less dangerous, though. In the end, no one could really say if it was his state of drunkenness or simple Bokutoness that led to him expressing his joy the way he did. Namely; he grabbed Tsukishima by the head and pushed him against his fish-lips, with a loud MWWWWWWAH! resounding through the room.

At this point, Kuroo and Akaashi were still giggling more or less quietly. Tsukishima, not so much.

“Are you serious?” he said, after Bokuto had finally released him. “You even kiss loudly?”

“Do not!” protested Bokuto. “I kiss really sweetly!”

“I got your saliva up my nose!”

“Well, you made my lips weird!”

Kuroo and Akaashi still giggled obliviously. The other two, however, had fallen into a quiet, thoughtful staring contest. As quiet and thoughtful as only two very drunk people could ever be, which instantly made the situation dangerous.

Then, without a further moment's hesitation, Tsukishima had closed the gap again and pressed his lips to Bokuto’s. Bokuto welcomed him with an open mouth – no blowfish lips this time, but a much more disturbing amount of tongue, even though he was trying to prove his “sweetly” kissing style. Kuroo and Akaashi instantly exchanged their giggling fit for a coughing fit.

“What?” was all Kuroo could choke out, but it was too late. Tsukishima and Bokuto sat on his couch, making out, and no one could ever make this moment unreal again. “What?” he said again and it had the same effect: None.

“Guess we're dreaming,” Akaashi suggested, shrugging. He had already accepted to not accept the situation, which also didn't make the situation less real, but kept his brain from short-circuiting. It was probably a good trait to have when hanging out with Bokuto so much.

“No, no way!” Kuroo said while pinching his own arm like a madman. “I refuse to believe this.” Akaashi still tried to keep his drunk-rational mindset.

“You know, people are always fighting about whether or not alcohol can make you hallucinate. I guess we just found the answer. This is a great day for science, really.” He squinted a bit, trying to observe the hallucination more closely. Tsukishima was climbing onto Bokuto's lap and was gripping his biceps for some reason. They seemed to be having fun, judging from the soft gasps escaping their mouths. Bokuto’s hands were stroking Tsukishima’s thighs appreciatively and their lips stayed sealed together, no matter how hard Akaashi stared. “Fascinating,” he mumbled.

“Don’t give me that shit. Tsukki and I have been dancing around each other for almost ten years and now he just goes and drunkenly snogs Bokuto first?”

“Actually…” Akaashi started, but Kuroo stopped him with a soft slap to the knee.

“Shut up – I had already erased that scene from my memory, no need to bring it up again. I can’t believe I’m going to be the last one in this stupid group to kiss Tsukki.”

“Who says you’re going to kiss me at all?” Kuroo jumped when he heard Tsukishima’s voice and again when he looked at him and discovered that Bokuto had moved on to his neck, which left Tsukishima to look at him with glassy eyes and talk with a breathless voice. Kuroo’s mouth went suddenly dry.

“Come on now, Tsukki. We’ve been flirting for months.”

“If by flirting you mean that you get me drunk as often as possible and then discover that you're too nice to take advantage…” He finally pushed Bokuto away to properly glare at Kuroo. Bokuto fell backwards with a whine and landed in Akaashi’s lap, where he thankfully went quiet as soon as he felt Akaashi’s hands in his hair. Sometimes he was more of a cat than Kuroo and Kenma put together.

“What’s going on?” he asked when everyone just kept glaring at each other.

“You guys are all disgusting, shameless people,” Kuroo accused. “Making out with each other any chance you get and leaving me out of all the fun. You’ve all kissed each other already - meanwhile I’m… I’m kissless! Even though I’m clearly the best-looking one.”

Bokuto seemed to actually consider his words and came to the conclusion that Kuroo was “too prudish, bro.”

“Excuse me?” Kuroo’s jaw actually dropped as if he were an overacting theater student. “I’m too prudish? Dude, you’re the one who discovered my porn folder because of your nonexistent respect for boundaries – did that look prudish to you? Did it?”

“I think he meant to say you’re too prudent," translated Akaashi and Bokuto nodded earnestly in his lap. “We’ve all made out with each other only because of stupid situations like this. You’re probably too smart to have fun.”

“Tsukki is smart too,” said Kuroo. Tsukishima just shrugged. “So is Akaashi," he said.

The room fell quiet while everyone waited for someone to lie and say that Bokuto was also smart, but in the end nothing happened except for Akaashi awkwardly patting the head in his lap and Bokuto’s mood turned sour.

“You guys are mean.”

Tsukishima, in an unlikely attempt at being nice, leaned down and kissed him again. Maybe he was just too drunk to keep up his usual demeanor of a high-held head and his trademark smirk. Or – more plausibly, he tried to piss off Kuroo even more. At least he was able to get rid of Bokuto’s mood-swing, at the price of another one surfacing in Kuroo.

“Seriously now?”

Tsukishima ignored him and continued to suck on Bokuto’s tongue, only interrupting the kiss to tell him that he had really nice arms. “I mean… really. Really nice arms. Damn.”

Akaashi, apparently still fascinated by the unexpected action going on right in his lap, nodded slowly.

“And you have the best legs I’ve ever seen,” said Bokuto, which was kind of untypical, because he was usually too busy gloating over received compliments to think about returning them. “They go on forever. What are they… like two meters?”

“Glad to know you see me as 100% leg, but thank you anyway. I don’t have the best legs out of us, though.”

“Of course you do. Who else…”

“Kuroo,” said Tsukishima.

“What?” snapped Kuroo.

“He means that you have the best legs,” said Akaashi, the designated translator of the group. Kuroo just pinched his own arm again.

“Nah man, yours are better," said Bokuto, stroking his hands along Tsukishima's thighs and throwing Kuroo an apologetic look. "Longer. Sorry, bro.”

“Yeah, I know his are better, no offense taken. Though I’m still mad at you.”

“You can get best face, so don’t be mad.”

Tsukishima vehemently shook his head. “Don’t be stupid – have you seen Akaashi? If anyone gets best face-”

“Oh fuck , you’re right!" Bokuto looked shocked to have forgotten about his own boyfriend. "Akaashi is the prettiest one by far.”

“So what – am I just second best at everything?” Kuroo suddenly seemed very involved in their discussion and waited impatiently as his three friends put on thoughtful faces.

“Well, surprisingly, none of us has ever seen his-“

“Shut up right now, Bokuto!” screeched Kuroo.

“I’m just saying, I think it’s weird. You got something to hide?”

“I just don’t make randomly losing my pants a hobby like some people.”

“Well, you can’t hide forever,” Bokuto said firmly, not caring about how creepy he sounded. Akaashi – angel that he was – had ignored the off-topic discussion to come up with something nice to say.

“I guess Kuroo just has the best… everything put together.”

“You mean the best whole picture?” Tsukishima pondered, coming to the same conclusion: “Yes, that makes sense. We can say that to make him stop whining – best whole picture is definitely better than just one huge, sexy leg.”

“There you have it,” Bokuto said happily. “You can stop being mad now.”

Kuroo, despite sitting on the floor alone and still being unkissed, looked oddly touched. “Really? You’re not just saying it to make me shut up?”

“Just partly,” said Tsukishima.

“You’re hot, bro!”

Akaashi agreed with a nod and even Tsukishima could only shrug and say, “You are.”

Kuroo folded his hands over his heart and beamed like a little boy before he remembered that despite his apparent hotness, he still failed to be the victim of a random snog-attack. “Then why have none of you kissed me yet?” he demanded.

“Because you’re prudish.”

“Prudent,” Akaashi corrected.

“I can’t possibly be more prudent than Tsukki, come on!”

“Tsukishima only acts like it – you can see his true personality when he’s drunk,” Bokuto said wisely.

“It’s true,” said Tsukishima. “My true personality is very promiscuous.”

Kuroo looked for some snacks to throw at his head while shouting: “Liar! Your true personality is just a provocative little shit. You spend your whole life trying to pay me back for that one training camp years ago, even though I apologized and deeply meant it.”

“You’re not very good at taking your own medicine, mister master-provocateur.”

“If you really aren’t prudish, then you should kiss me right now,” said Bokuto, clearly excited.

“No way,” said Kuroo. “There is only one person I want to kiss right now. The only person that’s actually been nice to me this whole evening, and that’s Akaashi.”

Akaashi considered his words for a moment and kept a very convincing straight face while saying, “Okay. Come here.”

That was obviously not the reaction Kuroo had expected. “Wh- what?” he stuttered.

“Come here and give me a smooch,” Akaashi said with the same straight face. Meanwhile, Bokuto’s grin threatened to eat his ears.

“He gets really sadistic when he’s drunk. It’s so cute.”

“I’m not sadistic, I’m just curious.”

“Come on, Kuroo. You’re not prudent, remember?” Tsukishima shot him one of his usual smirks and it was what finally made Kuroo stand up and shuffle over to where Akaashi was sitting on the couch.

“Okay. I'll do it, as long as it’s really fine with you,” he said, eyeing Akaashi warily.

“As was already stated – you’re hot. So I don’t really have a problem with it.”

“Oh. Good.” Kuroo waited for a moment as if still hoping to wake up from a very strange dream, but when nothing happened, he saw no other solution than to close his eyes and lean forward to catch Akaashi's lips with his own. They stayed like that for a few seconds – Akaashi was obviously waiting for him to do something more than just brush their lips together and Kuroo had no choice but to lean in closer and to press a little harder.

“Now this is how you kiss sweetly,” said Tsukishima, but Bokuto wasn’t listening – he was too distracted by his rather unique view of the kiss between his two best friends from below. Kuroo had caught Akaashi’s lower lip between his teeth and tugged gently, before exchanging teeth for tongue and moving in deeper. One of his hands found its way to Akaashi’s neck. Akaashi’s own hands were still in Bokuto’s hair and they suddenly gripped tighter when Kuroo’s tongue entered his mouth. Bokuto made a sound that might have been a suppressed moan.

“This is really hot. I might be getting hard, Tsukishima, don’t be surprised.”

“Please don’t make this weird,” Tsukishima said, as if the situation hadn’t been weird to begin with. “Oh, fuck, you actually are…” He moved with a start and this time Bokuto definitely did moan. Akaashi and Kuroo broke apart to look down at him.

“What?” he said, defiant. “Don’t look at me like that, I can feel that Akaashi’s at half-mast, too. Has been for a while, actually.”

“Was that really necessary?” Akaashi sighed.

“So what, it’s hot.”

“Kind of is,” Tsukishima agreed.

Kuroo had a very aggressive blush spreading from his ears. “When have you all become so sexual? I miss the days when you were cute 15-year-olds, not even thinking about any kind of balls outside of volleyball.”

“Gross,” said Tsukishima. “You want to have sex with a bunch of 15-year-olds?”

“So that is what we’re doing now, right? Having sex?” asked Bokuto.

“Thanks to you, you old pervert,” said Tsukishima..

“No way!” Kuroo protested. “Not with cute innocent Kenma only one door away.”

“He’s probably playing one of his games with his headphones on, like always. No need to be shy,” said Bokuto.

“What if he needs to use the bathroom?”

“When has that ever happened?”

“It might today!”

“You know he has a bladder of steel. Come on, bro, don’t take this from me now.”

But there was no way Bokuto could persuade Kuroo into this kind of stupid idea – not in a million years, even though he had an uncanny ability to bring out the worst in Kuroo. This time, though, it was Tsukishima who managed to make Kuroo change his mind by simply leaning forward, grabbing his bedhead and planting a kiss on his lips that left him gasping for air. Bokuto was watching from below, as Kuroo’s defense melted just as fast as Kuroo himself melted into Tsukishima’s touch. He really had been waiting years to do that – Bokuto still remembered some very long nights he spent on the phone with Kuroo, back when Tsukishima was a very stubborn and very indifferent little 15-year-old. Well – maybe not so little, but he had been a handful either way. Not that he was all too different now, except for his new-found ability to care about some things and an obviously perfected shut-you-up-kiss. Bokuto wondered where he had learned it from.

“Hm… that was better than expected,” Tsukishima said, even though Bokuto could see his shining eyes from below. He was pretty sure that Tsukishima had been waiting for this just as long; he was just on a whole other level of stubborn.

“Let’s do it again,” Kuroo panted, and Tsukishima was on him again in a second, long, slender fingers gripping Kuroo’s chin and pulling him closer. Bokuto could feel Akaashi growing harder from watching them kiss from such close proximity and Tsukishima was shifting in his lap and Bokuto thought, “Fuck yes, we’re doing this!” He moved his head upwards, fishing for the first piece of free skin he could reach, which happened to be Tsukishima’s neck again. He discovered a hickey he had left before and proceeded to suck on it some more, see if he could make it even darker. Tsukishima tried hard to not make any sounds. Only soft breaths escaped him and got lost in Kuroo’s mouth that was still lapping hungrily at his lips.

“Wait a minute…” Bokuto suddenly remembered something important. “Hold on, you two! Stop sucking each other’s faces off, just… for…” He used his strategical position between them, to push them apart, “… a second! This is all wrong – there are only two people in this room who have never kissed each other and they’re the first ones who should have!”

Kuroo groaned as if his last nerve was detaching itself from his body, slowly floating away into oblivion. “You are such a pest, you know that?”

“Have you never heard the saying ‘bros before hoes‘, bro?”

“Have you never heard the saying ‘I’m going to shove my whole fist down your throat if you ever call me a hoe again?‘” Tsukishima asked sweetly.

“You can’t intimidate me; I’m twice as broad as you.”

“I can always move out of your lap.”

“Okay, please don’t, you’re hot and it feels really nice, but I really need Kuroo to kiss me right now. Right now, bro, you hear me?”

“Okay, fine,” Kuroo sighed. “I don’t know what I would have done with that last spark of dignity I was harboring anyway.”

“Let’s do it right – let’s do it Spiderman-style!”

“Which one?”

“Spiderman is the right one!”

“This is going to be really uncomfortable,” Kuroo mumbled to himself before giving in to Bokuto's pleas. It really did look uncomfortable – the couch wasn't that big, so his body had to bend in a sharp angle to reach Bokuto's upside-down lips. They made it work somehow, anyway. At one point, Kuroo bit Bokuto's chin, just to spite him, but it was kind of hard to make his good mood go away right now. He was strewn over and under his three best friends, Tsukishima rocking on his erection, Akaashi hard against his cheek, and Kuroo devouring his mouth (and sometimes his chin) – it felt too good to get moody.

“Fuck,” Bokuto moaned, when he finally opened his eyes and realized that Tsukishima and Akaashi hadn't contented themselves with simply watching and were making out over Kuroo's head. “I could seriously come like this, if Tsukishima just... a little harder.”

“Are you seriously planning on coming without even showing off your goods? Is some kind of alien inhabiting your body?” asked Tsukishima who reluctantly broke away from Akaashi just so he wouldn't miss the chance to make a mean comment.

“Take my pants off, if you want to see them so badly. And your own too, while you're at it!”

“Do we really have to take off all our clothes?” Kuroo still sounded concerned for Kenma's mental health, though a few clothes probably wouldn't save him at this point.

“I'm still curious about what you have to hide, man.”

“Nothing – I may not be a colossus like you, but I'm fairly normal, thank you.”

“Then I have to ask why you still have your pants on. Come on, get a move on!”

“Do you think you're sleeping with fucking Sonic? I gotta take my pants off one leg at a time, like any normal human being.”

“You guys talk a bit too much. It ruins the mood,” said Akaashi through a bunch of fabric. Tsukishima had stubbornly refused to take any pants off and fiddled with Akaashi's T-shirt instead.

“Yes – kindly shut up, I'm trying to forget that I'm about to have sex with two of the biggest losers on this planet at the same time.”

“Tsukki, have you forgotten to take your anti-attitude-pills?” said Kuroo.

“Have you forgotten to take your anti-annoying-pills?”

Kuroo just grinned, because he could see the way Tsukishima was looking at the outline of his cock through his boxers. “I could use a little help with those, you know?”

“Get Bokuto to help you, then. I'm busy here.” He had finally managed to get Akaashi's shirt off and ended his commitment to talking by locking lips with him again. Bokuto, luckily, was all too eager to help Kuroo out of his boxers, even though the angle was all kinds of wrong. He had to arch his back and make a bridge pose to even look at Kuroo, making Tsukishima slide onto his stomach in the process.

“We might have some positioning problems,” Bokuto finally admitted. “Why don't you move over here and work on that hickey I gave Tsukishima and then I can take a good look at your jewels.”

“Please don't talk like a whoremonger, it's really not sexy.”

“Whatever, just let me see your testicles.”

“Urologists aren't necessarily any sexier.”

“Balls then, I know you like balls, I've seen you play with them so many times.”

“Is this really the right time to make puns?” asked Tsukishima, breaking away from Akaashi yet again. Akaashi was starting to look a bit disgruntled.

“It's always a good time for puns,” Kuroo and Bokuto said at the same time and to top it off, they high-fived without even looking at each other. Akaashi had to pull Tsukishima back into a kiss to stop him from walking away. Thankfully, Kuroo finally took Bokuto's words to heart and moved forward, straddling his best friend's head to mouth at Tsukishima's neck. For a moment, it was blessedly quiet. Like all moments, though, it was eventually disrupted by Bokuto's shouting.

“IS THIS REAL?”

Tsukishima and Akaashi let go of each other to give Kuroo questioning looks while Kuroo just grinned widely. They didn't have to wait long for Bokuto to answer the unspoken question his shouting had arisen.

“THIS FUCKER WAS HIDING A FUCKING PIERCING DOWN HERE!”

Kuroo's grin just got wider when he saw the expression on the other two's faces.

Bokuto's voice sounded from between Kuroo's legs again, a bit softer this time.

“I can't believe you never told me about it.”

And then.

“This is going to be so. Much. Fun!”