Chapter Text
S U N
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We are infinite as the universe we hold inside.
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“At the heart of AstroPsychology is the simple assertion: needs motivate. But to account for motivation, a model of the psyche must deal with human feelings and emotions. Once a felt need begins to dominate awareness, that person is motivated to engage in behaviors that satisfy the need. People act out of anger, fear, curiosity, love, excitement, pride, shame, aesthetic pleasure, and so on.”
Taehyung reads between the lines, again, and again, trying to understand the paragraph. He frowns, not quite convinced whether he’s looking in the right place. He tries to find its meanings and correlate them to the past events he had experienced just recently. Astrology isn’t necessarily something he is into, he would call it an experiment.
Only during the most recent months, he has come to the conclusion that life can be unexpected, in better ways. He came to understand that life wasn’t only about being prepared for the worst. He used to be like that, he used to beat himself up for enjoying the happy moments he was given, only because he was convinced something bad was about to happen, taking all the joy from him, stripping him of happiness for a while, until things got back on track.
He looked at life associating it with a circle, an event circle, always already preparing for the worst whenever something good happened to him.
Until something did break the circle, and Taehyung is now still trying to figure it out. As someone very dear to him has told him, it’s all about perspective. It’s all about the way one looks at life and lives the moment. Good and bad things happen anyway, but it depends from person to person on how much the bad will weigh in their life. And so Taehyung fell down the spiral of a neverending investigation of his own.
It’s been three weeks since he started reading books on this topic, but he couldn't really put his finger on it, on the answer he was looking for.
He wants to work on himself, instead of going back to the person he used to be. He wants to stop bringing others down with himself, including Jungkook, but how would he do that, unless he sees with his own eyes that whatever philosophy he used to believe in in the past, was just his mind playing games on him?
Now, he wants to look back and understand.
He has recently come across a quote that inspired him to do so and act on his instinct, and go forth with the small experiment.
“Life must be understood backward. But it must be lived forward”. Philosopher Søren Kierkegaard has said that, and Taehyung, rebelling against what he has read through infinite pages of websites and books, decided to be the forger of his own experiment.
It was pretty simple. He wanted to see the good in each event that he had perceived in a dark light, a shadow that he was afraid to acknowledge.
Taehyung loves to keep journals, hence, he’s motivated even further to go back and look at the past few months of his life, and instead of running away from what had happened, his new assignment was to understand.
There was no good or bad, but emotions and experiences.
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Sun: The Planet of Self
As the sun puts forth light, so it brings forth life. This planet (also known as a luminary and a star) represents the self, one’s personality and ego, the spirit, and what it is that makes the individual unique. It is our identity and our face to the world. The sun also speaks to creative ability and the power of the individual to meet the challenges of everyday life.
self-expression
Jungkook’s hands are everywhere. Taehyung closes his eyes and breathes in, feeling Jungkook’s lips slowly walking on the skin of his neck, ignoring the nagging feelings. It’s been a tough week. A tough month, apparently, and all Taehyung needs right now, is his boyfriend.
He wants Jungkook and everything he has to offer. Undeniably, he is right in front of him, consuming him, wanting him just as much, maybe even more, judging by the desperate movements of his hands. Reciprocating his needs, Taehyung’s hands are hovering on his skin, palms already sneaking in under Jungkook’s shirt.
They are alone in the locker room, them and their desperate pants the only sounds keeping the room alive. And oh, it was so alive. Taehyung feels at home in the locker room. Maybe it’s the crowded space reminding him of the first time he had seen Jungkook shirtless and it left him questioning his entire life decisions. Maybe, it was the benches, where he cried the first time surrounded by the team, and instead of them laughing at him, they encouraged him and advised him on how to improve his setter techniques.
Maybe it’s the mirrors, the mirrors that don’t show the usual, boring student Kim Taehyung that hasn’t accomplished much in life. They show Kim Taehyung, the volleyball setter, part of a team, of a group of friends, with aspirations and a bright future.
A future that he desperately wants to keep bright, a future that he doesn’t want to ruin, with secrets and lies that are constantly weighing on his chest.
He tries to push the unwelcomed thoughts away as his lips slowly find their way back to Jungkook’s, smiling into the kiss as Jungkooks opens his mouth a bit wider, letting his tongue go past Taehyung’s already moist lips. They are in a state of havoc, and neither of them has any idea what they are doing, or where it is going, but Taehyung is sure of one thing. They shouldn’t be doing it, not there, it was dangerous and-
Jungkook’s palm slips past the waistband of Taehyung’s volleyball shorts, and his mind goes blank. He is insane and Taehyung is not going to be any less than that, so he pushes his body against Jungkook’s, throwing his arms around his neck and hoisting himself up just the littlest, enough so that he could now push the forming bulge in his pants against Jungkook’s palm.
“Look who’s desperate for my touch,” Jungkook barely breaks the kiss to whisper in Taehyung’s ear, a grin audible in the way he used his voice. Instead of replying, Taehyung moans back and takes the lobe of Jungkook’s ear between his teeth, knowing just how much it drives him insane.
“I’m also desperate to suck your dick but I think we are running out of time,” Taehyung smirks as he replies, rolling his hips, deliciously so, while getting closer to Jungkook.
“I’ll fuck your brains out if you don’t shut the fuck up right,” With one arm he steadies Taehyung’s hips, and then with a swift move he yanks him in his hold, letting Taehyung put his legs around his waist.
They both moan again as their bodies touch, eyes locked, and stares hooded, hungry with each other. Jungkook slowly takes Taehyung in the direction of the closest changing booth, shutting the door behind him before putting his lips back on his boyfriend’s.
It is everything and nothing. All that Taehyung has ever wanted, and it would have been even more spectacular if…
There are sounds of steps, more than just one set, approaching the locker room. Both their eyes go wide and Jungkook drops Taehyung from his hold.
“Kim, Jeon! It’s been more than five minutes! What’s taking so long to change some clothes?” It was the voice of their coach, irritated and set on finding them.
“We are almost done!” Taehyung screams as he starts combing through his hair with his fingers, then quickly trying to adjust his clothes back on properly. His hard-on died straight off, thank god.
Jungkook is quicker to get out of the booth, looking (almost) as if nothing has happened. “He’s been helping me search for some headache pills, coach, I’m sorry for being late!”
Taehyung follows him trying his best not to look embarrassed; he had enough time to exercise his look after being almost caught making out with Jungkook for the past two years countless times. The embarrassment never goes away, but it gets easier with time. His eyes met with Namjoon’s, and then Yoongi’s, his best friend, who was now eyeing him suspiciously.
Could they give him a break?
“It would be nice if our captain would stop being late so often. This is our third year and it is the first time our team advanced so much, getting closer to the finals. Getting qualified for the nationals is a big deal, guys. I would appreciate it if we could fully take advantage of the time we had for training.” Namjoon, their defense, comments on the situation, visibly disappointed with the turn of events.
Jungkook’s gaze falls on Taehyung just for a mere second, and they both know. This is exactly why no one could ever know about them. Namjoon isn’t mad, maybe a bit irritated, and Taehyung understands him, he would have felt the same.
But he isn’t and will never be happy with the situation.
Taehyung wants the world to know Jungkook is his, and more than anything, he is sick of having to hide. Maybe that’s why they remained so desperate for each other’s touch, even after so much time. They know everything could be shattered to pieces in minutes, and Taehyung isn’t strong enough to face such a crushing reality.
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Taehyung, Jungkook, and Yoongi had been best friends since they met during sports class. They were practically meant to interact since they joined the same university and shared one goal, to be professional volley players. But they clicked almost instantly, all three of them.
After the first couple of days, Taehyung had already exchanged rooms with Yoongi’s roommate at the time, and their room became a sanctuary for the three of them. They shared 3 am stories there, lots of drinks, and, obviously, instant ramyun.
It’s been a memorable experience, and Taehyung will forever be grateful for being so close to someone like Yoongi. However, having him as a friend allowed Taehyung to know his thoughts better than anyone else.
They are third years in college now, and things have changed a bit. Ever since Jungkook and Taehyung started being a “thing”, they agreed on keeping it apart from everyone, especially Yoongi. They both knew his view on dating a best friend, or even worse, a teammate. He has never stopped mentioning how bad of an idea it was, to date someone one plays with. To date someone one trains with. Teamwork could play a huge part in their future, and neither of them could afford a fallout that would eventually ruin their team play.
Taehyung feels miserable for hiding it from Yoongi, but he fully understands why they had to keep it away from him.
Yoongi has his own boyfriend, Jimin, and he’s the sweetest person Taehyung had ever met, but he was attending a different college. Yoongi always goes on about it, telling both Taehyung and Jungkook to keep on going out and meeting people, to avoid dying a miserable, lonely life. He jokes about them not looking for love, but he never truly questions them.
He tells them that having a relationship is fun and healthy, especially at their age, and Taehyung knows he is right. They need those experiences, whether they are successful or not, in the end, it’s still something that makes him happy. Being with Jungkook.
It took Jungkook more than six months to muster the courage of asking Taehyung to be his boyfriend, and when they both agreed on the relationship, they planned a couple of things, like the whole ordeal of keeping it a secret from the others. It was a unanimous decision, really, as the pros and cons were pointing out toward only one possible outcome.
At first, it was fun, easy, and exciting. They have discussed it multiple times, and the thrill of having to always hide brought enthusiasm to their dynamic. It made them more passionate about each other, every day was a new, memorable experience. It made them feel young and brave.
However, right now, Taehyung finds it unbearable. Honestly, there are good days and bad days.
And so today is one of those days when Taehyung wants nothing but to run away from everything and everyone and hide. He turned down both Jungkook’s and Yoongi’s offers when they asked him to go and have a drink after college, and instead, he just ran to one of the only places where he knew he could be alone.
It is April, and the weather is warm and windy. The breeze caresses his cheek in a very ironic way as he runs to his favorite spot in the closest park to the convenience store he often goes to. It’s a calm, sunny, spring day, yet Taehyung can’t get himself to enjoy it. He drops down under the shadow of a tree.
He then cries. He’s 21, yet he can’t help but cry.
He cries because he feels sad and empty, and he doesn’t know whether he could find a way to get out of the situation he and Jungkook are in. Whenever he needs emotional support, he goes to Jungkook, like that one time when he had a terrible fight with his dad, and Jungkook held him in his arms until four am, listening to music, cradling his fingers through his hair.
And whenever he needed great advice or a person that could talk to him, he would go to Yoongi. Yoongi is such a great help to Taehyung, from school advice to important life decisions, he is always there for him through it all.
But he can’t tell Jungkook about his feelings, not when they had this conversation thousands of times in the past, and their decision has always been unanimous. They both agreed it was better this way and as time passed, it proved to them countless times that they were indeed right. Telling him would just be a burden, and Taehyung was tired of burdening Jungkook with his insecurities.
And Yoongi… well, Yoongi will eventually accept it, the truth, their truth, Taehyung knows it, but there are too many things at stake. What if he doesn’t, though?
And more importantly, Taehyung is scared Yoongi would be hurt. Not only because he and Jungkook had been dating, but because it’s been two years and they haven’t told him about it yet.
Taehyung lets his head fall against his knees, waiting until the tears dry on his rosy cheeks.
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It is Taehyung’s burden, his everyday challenge, and he has to live with it until eventually, it is safe enough for them to come clean. This journey has brought him many emotions, negative feelings, even, but Taehyung has finally learned to accept them, as they are part of him, and they have crafted him into the person he is today.
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