Chapter Text
Da mi basia mille, deinde centum,
dein mille altera, dein secunda centum,
deinde usque altera mille, deinde centum.
(Gaius Valerius Catullus - Vivamus mea Lesbia)
The earth was solid and warm beneath him, its scent mingling with the sweet crispness of the night breeze.
"Oh, oh, look! A shooting star!"
Lies followed the direction of Heart's finger, just in time to see a bright comma flicker among the billions of dots above them and vanish in the blink of an eye.
"Have you seen it?" Heart asked.
"In passing."
"Yay! Did you make your wish?"
"You know we're not on the reality plane, right?" Lies turned to look at him. "These aren't real stars and they can't make any wishes come true."
"They’re still stars," Heart retorted, "And I really really want it! The stars will figure it out and make my wish come true."
Lies rolled his eyes.
"Of course," he replied, "Everyone knows that to make a wish come true, all you have to do is “really really want it” and not actually do something about it."
Heart ignored his witty sarcasm and turned to the side. He poked his arm with a fingertip.
"Wanna know what I asked? Mmh? Mmh? Wanna know?" The whole starry sky reflected in his eyes. "Guess, it's easy! I'll give you a hint: it has to do with a very interesting guy Thomas recently met."
Lies sighed and closed his eyes.
"Are you talking about William again?”
"Yes!" Heart squeaked enthusiastically. "He's so interesting! He’s always standoffish and cold at school and he doesn't seem to care about anyone. But when Thomas met him at the park, he couldn't stop smiling and talking about his brother. Isn't that super cute? He has a younger brother just like Thomas, he cares about him so much and he takes him to basketball lessons! And to the swimming pool! He's so mature!"
Lies opened his eyes again and brought his gaze back on Heart, leaning his cheek against the ground. Heart was lying on his stomach while still talking about trivial stuff, his lips curved into a smile so bright, it made every other light fade in comparison.
Overly enthusiastic as always. Wonderful as always.
Wait, not like “always”. Heart was not always charming. He was in that moment, but only because the evening was wonderful: the sky was full of stars, the Milky Way was a strip of diamonds and the wind smelled like summer. In such a charming atmosphere, of course Heart looked very charming too.
It was not because of those expressive eyes, with large pupils filled with millions of stars and blue irises as clear as summer skies. It was not because of his lips, pink and delicious, always curved in a contagious smile. And it definitely was not because of that smile, wide and happy, a smile that lit up his face from the inside, made his eyes even brighter and Heart even more charming.
A breeze ruffled the wheat ears, that laughed at him.
Shut up, Lies thought, turning away to hide his heated face. It’s not funny.
"What are you thinking about?"
Lies shook off those thoughts: Heart had turned to look at him and his eyes were two huge black mirrors, framed by the glasses. They sparkled so much under the starlight, Lies had to look away, only to let his gaze fall on Heart’s lips, so pink, so full, so tempting.
Lies looked away again. Great, the entire world was after him. First the stupid wheat ears were making fun of his thoughts, now Heart was giving him even more.
Not that he had any unseemly thoughts. He had no unseemly thoughts at all. All his thought were the perfectly normal, friendly thoughts a 15-year-old boy could have about another 15-year-old boy.
Speaking of that...
"Hey," Lies turned back to Heart, “Didn't Harvey say William is dangerous?"
"I don't believe in that story about the fight." Heart shook his head. "William is too kind and responsible to do something like that. I mean, he takes care of his little brother every day! He wouldn't have the time to get into fights with someone. And he doesn't do it anyway, because he's a really good guy."
Lies snorted and sat up. He knew it would end up like this: Thomas met someone new for ten seconds and Heart immediately decided it was a good person.
"You don't know how good this guy truly is." Lies reached out a hand towards the nearest ear of wheat and broke it from the stem with a sharp snap. "People aren't as good as you think: William could very well be one of those guys who are nice with their family, but as soon as they leave the house, they become criminals."
"You’re so dramatic." Heart pulled himself up and leaned towards Lies, to give him a friendly nudge. "The first time Thomas met him at the park, William was perfectly fine."
"Only because his little brother was present."
Heart's hand entered his field of vision and plucked a grain from the ear Lies was holding. Lies turned to look at him: Heart had a good-natured fatherly smile, all soft lines and half-closed eyes.
"People aren't all mean." His voice was as gentle as his smile. "I believe that, if we give him a chance, William will show Thomas what a beautiful person he is."
"Or he’ll end up taking advantage of Thomas."
"He's a good boy." Heart gave him a broad smile while plucking another grain of wheat.
"There’s no evidence."
"We’ll have them, don't worry." He gave him a wink, which made Lies’ cheeks tingle. "Give him time and think positively."
"Thinking positive leads nowhere." He retorted, focusing his gaze on the ear. "You need certainties with people."
"But neither can we decide that William is bad beforehand," Heart replied. "We should give him the benefit of the doubt."
"Why?"
"Well, because we can't doubt everyone in the world!"
Lies raised an eyebrow. Of course they had to doubt everyone in the world, duh. Nobody was nice just because they wanted to be.
Well, nobody except Heart. But Heart had always been like this: stupidly trusting since childhood, believing in the intrinsic goodness of humankind, willing to ignore everything else, to keep dreaming about a perfect world that would never exist.
"And then," Heart added immediately, "William loves animals too! Did you see how he petted that dog at the park?"
"Right, of course, forgive me for doubting the definitive method to understand if a person is a decent human being or not: petting a dog."
Heart giggled.
"Okay, it won't be a foolproof method," he admitted, "But it helps."
"Does it?"
"Of course." Heart looked up and his eyes filled with light. His whole figure seemed brighter: maybe it was the stars, maybe it was his smile. Or maybe it was his gaze that was way too dreamy, considering they were talking about a simple friend of Thomas.
"I think William just looks like a bad boy." Heart put his fingertips together and brought them to his lips. "He behaves like a tough guy and acts all mysterious, but only because he doesn't want to show anyone his true colors. And so, he dresses in black, doesn’t speak too much, is standoffish and might appear as mean, while he actually has a heart of gold."
"How can you be so sure? We barely know him."
The blue eyes fell on Lies. Heart's smile widened from behind his fingers.
"I have experience with bad boys," he joked, swaying back and forth.
You little…!
Lies looked away, hiding the stupid heat that had taken over his face. Damn Heart and his moments of cleverness!
"And, you know, even though he seems bad, sometimes that heart of gold is just impossible to hide,” said Heart and his voice was even softer than before. "That's when he shows what a wonderful person he really is."
Every word was honey down Lies’ throat and around his heart, honey that loosened his tongue and soothed his limbs. His body wanted to surrender to that sweetness, give in to the possibility, believe in the possibility that he and Heart could ever…
Lies swallowed, pushing away those indecent thoughts.
"Thomas should think of something else." His voice was calm and, at least to his ears, it sounded normal: an excellent result, considering his heart was stuck in his throat.
"Why couldn't he think about William instead?" something warm rested on his knee: it was Heart's hand. And Heart himself was much closer, leaning towards him, his body radiating more heat than the sun. "Is it really that wrong?"
Heart's eyes were filled with worry, gray clouds darkening the clear blue of his irises.
Is it really that wrong?
The suspicion Lies had been living with for years laughed behind his back as Heart's warmth washed over him like a wave on the sea. Confused feelings emanated from him and stirred against Lies, a tornado that had at its center Heart's parted lips and thoughts too secret to accept.
Lies jumped to his feet.
"William is just a guy Thomas has some lessons with at school." He waved his arms around while pacing back and forth, his eyes landing on everything except Heart, his cheeks burning in the summer heat. "And it could be it if only Thomas weren't the stubborn idiot he is and didn't try to befriend him. As much as I try to make someone understand the world is not a beautiful place, Thomas just adores having people around. And so, he makes a fool of himself and does stupid stuff, just because he's made up his mind that he wants to become William's friend at all costs. This definitely won't leave him mentally exhausted!"
Heart was still watching him while sitting on the ground, blinking like a fish out of water. He cocked his head and furrowed his eyebrows.
"So..." he asked, hesitantly, "Is that a problem?"
Lies let his arms fall on the sides. His cheeks were still itchy, but in the dim light of the stars, it was easier to hide them.
"Thomas can have all the friends he wants," he answered, "If he wants them around and if they’re good for his mental health."
Heart still had his head cocked to one side. The shadows of worry disappeared from his eyes, his tumultuous feelings no longer stirred: all that was left, was just a lot of confusion.
Lies sighed and sat down again.
"It's so dreadful to look at the stars," he said, with an exaggerated roll of his eyes, "And I didn't want to see a shooting star at all."
Heart jolted, eyes and mouth widening.
"You're right!" he exclaimed, scattering the remnants of his confusion, "We must immediately find another star!"
They lay on the ground again, eyes on the sky, looking for more shooting stars. For a full minute, the wind blew, the wheat ears shook and the stars slowly rotated above them.
"Hey," Heart broke the silence with a shy voice, "Sorry for that question. It was really stupid."
Lies turned around: Heart's face was turned away, half hidden by the hand resting on the ground. His fingers were open like the corolla of a flower.
Lies placed his hand next to Heart's and looked away in turn, hiding the heat that was making his cheeks tingle again.
"It wasn't stupid," he said only.
The side of his hand touched Heart's, his little finger brushed the other Side's. Heart's little finger tensed against his, just for a moment: then, it wrapped around his in a small hug.
"There’s a star to your right," Heart warned him. There was a hinted smile in his voice.
Lies closed his eyes, refusing to see the star. There were too many things he wanted to ask, even more things he did not want to know, and a few simple, very dangerous desires that lingered on the tip of his tongue.
Way better to just enjoy the evening and let the truth sleep yet another day.
Music echoed through the wheatfield. Notes came from the upper planes carried by the wind and passed through the wheat ears, making them resonate like strings of a vast harp.
Lies closed his eyes and raised his face towards the sun: its light warmed his cheeks, passed through his shirt and touched him to the bone. He spread his hands across his knees, palms up, gathering even more heat.
Something soft and equally warm rested against his shoulder. Lies opened one eye and saw Heart's brown head against him. He was humming the same tune and that sound overlapped with the song of wind and wheat.
Lies hummed a few notes too. Heart turned, without taking his cheek off his shoulder, and gave him a broad smile.
"Nice, isn't it?"
"Yes," admitted Lies, "Thomas needed it."
We all needed it.
Lies closed his eyes again, focusing his attention on every plane of the mind. The Conscious was asleep, cradled by the music. In his room at the top of the lighthouse, after days of non-stop work, Logic finally rested. In his endless room, Red Creativity was building a new world.
The Subconscious breathed of Heart’s peaceful breath. The ears of wheat played the same music Thomas was listening to and the wind picked up the notes, to carry them for all the below planes to enjoy.
Further down, the Unconscious was still active, though devoid of the frenzy of the previous days: instead of the usual pulsating tide of information, only small bubbles reached the border with the Subconscious, then exploded into silence. In the safety of his room, Anxiety slept curled up. Green Creativity floated weightlessly, changing the world around him in rhythm with the notes that reached his place.
"... do you think?"
Heart's voice jerked him out of his thoughts and brought his mind back to the wheatfield. Lies furrowed his eyebrows.
"Mh?"
Heart readjusted, his head rustling against his shoulder.
"You did it again," he said and his voice was full of curiosity. "That thing you sometimes do: you keep silent and still as if you’re listening to something far away."
"I don't do anything like that."
"Come oooon." Heart rubbed his cheek against Lies’ shoulder. "I know you feel something."
Lies sighed and, from behind closed lids, rolled his eyes.
"Hey!" protested Heart. "What’s that face?"
"It’s mine, I've had it since I was born."
"You know what I mean." Even though his eyes were closed, he could almost see Heart sticking his tongue out at him. "What are you thinking about?"
Lies opened one eye.
"I think Thomas shouldn't always get to the point he's mentally exhausted and has to use music to recover."
"He just studied for a few weeks and helped some friends." Heart shrugged.
"Without taking even a couple of hours for himself."
"It's not that serious, come on." Heart brought his gaze back in front of him. "And look, Thomas is taking a break now."
"He needs more than a little break."
Heart did not reply and resumed humming instead. Was he deliberately ignoring him or was he just pretending not to hear him? It wouldn't have been the first time he had done something similar and then told him a lie, looking at him wide-eyed in an overly surprised expression: "I had no idea it would take all this time, it was just a little help to a friend!”, “I have no idea how it happened, everything’s great here!”, “There's nothing to worry about, I've never been better!”.
Lies fought back the urge to roll his eyes again. It was as if Heart did not get it. As if he did not understand that dealing with lies was his role and that he would never be deceived by a couple of fake smiles, giggles or apologies.
But maybe the problem wasn’t that Heart did not understand, but that he did not accept it. But that was even more ridiculous: it had been almost nine years since he stopped being Safe and became Lies. There was no way Heart had not accepted it yet.
Lies looked through his memories, searching for the exact moment Heart had called him “Lies”. Because there had to be a time when he did it. Maybe not the day before and not the month before: but in eight and a half years, there must have been a single moment when Heart had called him by his role.
He did not find one.
He opened his eyes again and moved his gaze to Heart's brown head. He was playing with a fallen ear of wheat, rolling it back and forth with a flick of his finger.
A weight formed in his chest, a boulder with sharp corners. He should have been mad at Heart. He should have pushed him away, stood up, told him he was a hypocrite and refused to see him again. And, for a while, it would work: Lies would stop seeing him and hold a grudge, until his feet would bring him back to Heart.
The weight in his chest lost its sharpness, the corners melting away in a sigh. In the end, getting angry at Heart was like getting angry at an annoying brother: the irritation might burn inside him for a while, but eventually it would die down.
The only problem was that Lies had never seen Heart as a brother, even when he was still Feelings. He was his first friend, he was the first Side he had ever known, he was part of that field they were born on, he was a guide to Thomas and the other Sides as much as Lies was.
And then...
The warmth he felt in his chest rose to his face. He searched his mind again, scrolling through the memories, looking for the instant things had changed.
Millions of meetings. The way Heart's gaze grew softer in his eyes, day by day. The light that radiated from his smiles. His hand waved in greeting, every time they met. How Lies' steps got faster, with each new meeting.
Time together, a wonderful mix of torture and delight: every smile, every touch, every word soothed the need that burned in his chest and threw wood on that same fire. There was no starting point, but only millions of moments when Lies wanted. He wanted Heart closer, he wanted to look into his eyes for hours, he wanted to hear his voice.
And it did not matter that Heart was stubborn, ignored him and tried to lie to him, or that he was so stupidly optimistic and so sure that being selfless was the right thing: Heart was a magnet and Lies kept being attracted to him.
"Thomas loves so much," Heart broke the silence, "Especially his friends. And he loves to offer his help to spend more time with them."
Lies snorted.
"Is this really the only reason why he gets so tired lately?" He looked away, pointing at the wheat ears around them. "It’s not because he broke up with his girlfriend and wants to distract himself?"
Or at least I think he wants to distract himself.
In general, no part of the mind had given him a lot of stress signals about the ending of that relationship. There had been rainy days and too many hours Thomas had spent crying in his room while listening to weepy songs, but nothing truly devastating.
Perhaps Lies had not been touched by it, though, because it was not his role to be involved in Thomas' love life. That was Heart's job: he was the embodiment of Thomas' feelings and emotions. If there was a Side who must have suffered for the end of that relationship, then it should have been him, no doubt.
And maybe he needed to talk about it. Knowing him as well as Lies knew him, Heart was surely suffering inside, refusing to show any sign of pain or sadness.
The silence that followed was a more than obvious confirmation. Heart still ached for that story. Heart still cared about Thomas' girlfriend. Heart still liked her.
Disappointment did not have time to engulf Lies before Heart moved: slowly, he placed his fingers on the edge of Lies' hand.
"You know..." he said and there was a hint of a smile in his voice, “It's not that bad they broke up, after all."
It's not that bad.
It's not that bad?!
The surprise gave way to a soft shiver that ran through his legs and arms. The suspicion Lies had been living with for years laughed at him, laughed at everything, laughed at his vain hopes: there was no way to change a sexual orientation, no matter how much Lies wanted to.
And if even Thomas’ heart, the one who should have been the most involved, was relieved at the thought Thomas broke up with his girlfriend…
Heart pulled away from his shoulder and turned to look at him. In his eyes, Lies saw the reflection of the same suspicion that inhabited his mind.
He knows it too.
No, there was nothing to know. There was nothing to hide. Everything was as it had always been and there was nothing life-changing lurking around.
But Heart's eyes kept staring at him, asking the same question and waiting for an answer.
What does it mean?
Confusion swirled behind his blue irises, a chaos of feelings that Lies refused to name.
Because there was no name to give. Because Thomas was exactly like everyone else. Because Thomas had to keep a low profile to survive. Because society was dangerous, people were dangerous, and he still wasn’t strong enough to crush others and rise to the top. He had to mingle with the others, pretend to be like them, find links and connections: something so big would make him lose everything.
Is it true, then? Heart's bright blue eyes asked. Is that a possibility?
No, he wanted to say. I don't know, he wanted to admit. I'm afraid to know, he wanted to confess.
Heart drew closer, his hand slipped into Lies': hot fingers rose from the center of his palm and intertwined with his, clinging and supporting him at the same time, anchor and request for help.
I'm scared, that touch said. I don't know what I feel, his eyes said. I don’t know what to think. What if I was wrong about everything? What if I didn't understand?
Let me be beside you, it said at the same time. Let me help you.
Lies closed his fingers on the back of Heart's hand and gave a small squeeze.
I'm scared because I don't want to know, he admitted to himself. I'm afraid to have a vision and find out Thomas has ruined his life. I'm afraid to ask the mind about the future. I'm afraid to understand what I feel.
Let me be beside you, he said at the same time. Let me help you as you help me.
A smile trembled on Heart's lips. He squeezed his hand in silent thanks, then rested his cheek against Lies’ shoulder again.
A minute later, Heart was humming the song under his breath once more. Lies cocked his head at him, Hearts’ brown hair tickling his cheek. He closed his eyes and listened to him humming.
Neither of them relaxed their grip on the other one's hand.
"Sixteen years old." from his reclining position, Heart stretched both hands over his head and lifted his legs, waving his feet in midair. "Thomas has entered the adult world! Now he can do all the serious stuff like working full time, getting a driver's license, obtaining a passport..."
"Donate blood..." added Lies.
"He really should do that," Heart agreed. He raised a hand and a lollipop appeared between his fingers. "Doctors always give a lollipop to every good boy who does his duty!"
Lies propped himself up on his elbows. Heart brought the lollipop to his mouth while waving his legs in midair. A small cloud of confusion still lurked behind his pupils, but it had been months since his gaze was sad and blurred.
And maybe it wasn't exactly a good thing, that there was so much clarity in Thomas' feelings. Not when the suspicion that Lies carried with him became much more solid every day.
"Wow," commented Lies, his tone brimming with sarcasm. "So mature: donating blood to get sugar as a gift. I'm sure mum and dad will be proud of Thomas and not think their son is an idiot at all."
"Of course they won't think that." Heart turned to him, passing the lollipop from one cheek to the other. He pulled it out of his mouth with a pop: it had the shape of a red heart and the light passed through it, revealing the air bubbles suspended in the sugary structure. "Mom and Dad love Thomas."
"Mom and Dad have three more sons."
Heart twirled the lollipop between his fingers. He tasted it with the tip of his tongue, then closed his lips around it again.
"Mom has always been affectionate and understanding," he answered. "Do you remember when Thomas got a D in history? He was terrified of what she would say. But she listened, without interrupting him. And, in the end, she told him she was still proud of him and what he had done."
Heart turned to look at him: his eyes were soft, his smile sweeter than honey.
It was too sweet. Heart was too confident.
"She told Thomas he would always be her precious son."
Suspicion laughed, reflected in Heart's eyes. Lies looked away, escaping its presence.
There were no certainties.
There are. It's so obvious that there are.
"Patrick and Christian are already engaged," Lies said, "Even Shea has a girlfriend. Thomas broke up after just two years and mom always asks when he's going to find another girlfriend."
Heart ran the lollipop over his lips, which turned rose-red. The tip of his tongue darted out to scoop up the glittery sugar, pink and moist and so tempting…
Lies looked away and fixed his gaze on the wheat ears. His cheeks were tingling, probably from an allergy he had just developed. And had it always been so hot in that field? It was all the summer's fault.
"Dad loves all of his children the same way," said Heart, "It has always been like this, even when they were little."
"Dad married a woman and had children with her," Lies retorted. "He expects his sons to do the same."
His face burned with the need to turn around. Lies ventured a glance, but his eyes were drawn to Heart's lips. He forced himself to escape the sight of those soft curves, to focus on the wheat ears.
Pull yourself together, for goodness’ sake.
Heart sighed.
"Mum and Dad have always supported Thomas, even when he said he wanted to sing."
"Is not the same thing."
"It is."
"It’s not!" Lies turned abruptly and sat down. "And you know it very well."
Heart had the lollipop between his fingers, suspended in the act of bringing it to his lips. He made it disappear with a wave of his hand and sat up too.
"Family always loves and protects its members," he said, in his best paternalistic tone. Lies rolled his eyes.
"Sure," he replied, dripping with sarcasm, "There are no cases of parents who sold their children for their own benefit."
"Mom and Dad would never do that!"
"Yet."
"Never," Heart repeated, leaning toward him. His eyes sparkled from behind the glasses, his whole face was glowing, cheeks flushed with red. "Mom has always been there for Thomas: no matter what problem he has, she’s always willing to listen to him and she has always been by his side. Dad always said he was proud of Thomas, just as he’s proud of Patrick, Christian and Shea. He knows he has four different sons and loves each of them for who they are."
"Stories already heard." Lies raised a hand as if to push those words away. His gaze fell to the ground, away from Heart's overly optimistic eyes. "Perfect families, great parents, and overjoyed children. Everything’s wonderful, as long as it goes the way your parents want. And then, one little thing happens and the whole house of cards collapses: parents become enemies and their hate is stronger than anyone else’s."
Bitterness crept into his voice. Lies clenched his hand into a fist.
"The only thing that counts is the plan your parents built for you," he continued, "And the plan can't fail, because if it works for billions of humans, why shouldn't it be good for you? Your parents grew up with this plan, everyone around them does the same and wants the same. Wanting more means being different. Do you want more? Flash news, you’re no longer one of us. And it's so easy to take and just throw Thomas out the door…"
Two hands rested on his cheeks and broke the train of thought, scattering the words from his tongue. Lies’ face was lifted until his eyes met Heart's blue skies.
He expected to find a chaos of feelings, but what he saw was warmth: the same warmth of the hands that held his face, the same kindness of the smile that lifted his lips.
"There’s nothing more precious than love," Heart told him and every word seemed to rise from the center of his chest, just to touch Lies' with invisible fingers. "And mom and dad will never give it up."
Lies lowered his lids. His eyes burned. Perhaps from the heat, perhaps from the warmth of Heart's hands, perhaps from the weight he felt on his chest.
"Easy to say, for you," he murmured. "You trust everything and everyone. But anything could go wrong."
He lifted his eyelids again.
I don't want to know Thomas ruined his life and I did nothing to stop him.
Heart cocked his head.
"We can’t live without hope," he answered. "We should’ve faith in what will be, in the future and in others."
Lies raised his hands and placed them on Heart's. He pressed them against his face, until he felt every single finger against flesh and scales, acutely aware of how close they were to his mouth.
"The world is not so beautiful," he reminded him.
"But it can be," Heart replied.
The clarity in those irises was dazzling. Heart drew closer: his lips were parted and shiny.
We can be the ones to show Thomas the beauty of this world.
In Heart's pupils, Lies saw his own reflection drawing close as well.
An invisible rope wrapped around his chest and pulled him back. At the same time, Heart blinked and froze: his eyes were looking beyond Lies, beyond the wheatfield around them.
The rope that pulled Lies became whispers, voices, threads of a black jacket twisted between fingers.
Anxiety.
Heart returned his eyes to him.
"Thomas," he said only.
Lies squeezed his hands one last time, then he let them go: Heart's fingers slid down his cheeks, letting the cold pinch his skin.
Another tug: Anxiety kept twisting the hanging threads of his jacket, calling Lies between his teeth.
"What's going on?" Heart asked.
Lies stood up.
"The boys need me."
Heart stood up in turn and, with a midair gesture, the lollipop appeared again. He pressed it against his lips, then handed it to Lies.
"Take it," he said.
Lies alternated his gaze between him and the lollipop. Heart was still handing it.
Please.
Lies surrounded that hand with his. The tension in Heart's shoulders eased, a breath escaped his lips.
He could have just stayed there and held that hand forever. They could both stay there and let nothing change in Thomas' life. Now everything was perfect, but a single suspicion could destroy everything.
Does he really want to do it?
Heart's eyes were clear. Maybe it would not happen today, maybe not tomorrow. But Thomas was thinking about it and that was enough to give physical form to the suspicion.
Deep in the Unconscious, Anxiety paced back and forth in his room. Duke stepped out of his place, drawn to the outpouring of his terrors.
"I have to..." Heart murmured, "Thomas..."
Lies forced himself to let go of his hand.
"I must too," he said.
Heart took two steps back and disappeared, going upstairs. Lies was left alone in the field, surrounded by ears of wheat rustling in the breeze. In his hand was the lollipop Heart had given him.
Lies closed his eyes and brought it to his lips.
It was happening.
Lies walked with long strides in the sea of ears, under the relentless moonlight. Every detail was laid bare by that white light, every secret, every thought.
Then fuck it, it was useless to keep hiding what was now obvious. He spent years, years!, thinking of it just as a “suspect”, refusing to call it by name even when it was obvious what it was, pretending Thomas was interested in girls, insisting that William was just a friend, Keith a classmate, and George a nice bartender. He had denied everything to the point of exhaustion, allayed Anxiety's fears and closed the mouth of any Side who tried to speak about it. Anything to protect Thomas' secret.
And then, Thomas had just decided to throw away years of hard work, to reveal the truth. No matter how many times a day Anxiety appeared to dissuade him, the reply was always the same: “I'm seventeen now, I'm old enough to admit it. At least with my family.”
Lies groaned and picked up his pace. What a great idea: revealing such a deep and sensitive subject to family. To the very same people who had the power to make his life hell forever. To the mother who was waiting for a new girlfriend. To the father who could disown him. To the brothers who could turn their backs on him. To the grandparents who had taught him all the dogmas of the Catholic religion, especially how right it was to marry a woman and have millions of children. Wow, there was absolutely nothing that could go wrong!
What can I do?
The mind gave him no answer. Just when he needed one, all he got was silence. Great. He had spent years without asking a single question and now that he wanted to know what was going to happen…
Well, he could always ask the mind to look beyond the immediate future. He could ask for a vision not of following days or months, but of years. He could look at Thomas' life two, three, eight years later.
Did he really want it?
No, he did not want to. He did not want to see Thomas in a shabby room, penniless and alone. He did not want to see people pointing to him as the wicked, the dangerous, the weird, the sick.
Because it would happen. Revealing the truth to the family was the first step for the rest of the world to know. And what was a little secret would become a stigma, with which people would mock and hate him. Thomas' talent and kindness would have been ignored, faced with the terrible guilt of being homosexual.
Lies quickened his stride, determination flowing like lava through his veins, crackling like electric charges between his fingers.
Hide it., he said to the mind. You've done it for years. I have done it for years. We can keep doing it forever.
No answer reached him, either by vision or by the breath of the wind. The world remained painfully sharp, the moonlight was still unrelenting.
Anger and frustration rose in the center of his chest. Thomas could not be so stupid to not understand. There were a million consequences and far too many things could go wrong: family could leave him, friends could walk away from him because of his "condition". An employer could see his homosexuality as a stain on his record. Hire him? Oh please. Of course they could not hire him, the good name of the company was at stake. Why hire a talented artist like Thomas, with a kind soul and a generous heart, when they could choose a mediocre but perfectly heterosexual artist?
The wind rustled, carrying only silence with it.
Change your mind. It's not too late yet.
Revealing the truth meant that they would have to fight for years and it was not going to be easy, not when Thomas was so disadvantaged. If his talent and good looks could give him a few more points, disclosing his sexual orientation meant a million negative points. It would be much easier for people to crush him, enemies would have the perfect excuse to discredit him. Weren’t these enough reasons to give up?
The mind still did not answer him.
Stupid, stupid and stubborn! What made him believe that things would go well, huh? What made him think his family would still welcome him with open arms? Virgil had spent hours repeating that it was a bad idea and that everything would go wrong. What was Thomas doing instead? He believed, he hoped, and like the hopeful, dumb idiot that he was, he thought he could come out and everything would be okay. Hell, only a miracle could have solved everything.
A miracle or Heart’s optimism.
Lies’ heart tightened. Heart's smile was reassuring, his words a precious comfort. It would have been wonderful if the world was as Heart dreamed it.
But it was not. The world was a ruthless judge and all people needed was an excuse to carry out their sentence.
Lies picked up his pace again. He looked around as if the solution could magically appear among the wheat ears, under that all-revealing light. But no familiar figure appeared, dressed in sky blue and with clouds as eyes, magnetic lips and hands that touched his heart.
Besides, how could he have expected Heart to be there in the middle of the night? There was only him in that field.
But if Lies got up and was looking for Heart... maybe it was because the mind wanted him to meet Heart. Maybe because there was still a chance to convince Thomas to change his mind about the coming out. And Heart was the key to that.
Is that so? He asked the mind. Is that why I want to see him?
Lies stopped. The wind swayed the wheat ears, fluttered the edges of his shirt. And it brought him a one-word reply.
No.
No? What did it mean by, "no"? Of course he was looking for Heart for the coming out thing! That was why he wanted to see him. What other reasons could he possibly have…?
Heart's smile reappeared in his memory, the warmth of his hands burning his cheeks. Lies resumed walking.
He knew very well why he wanted to see Heart and talking about Thomas was only one of the reasons. He wanted to see him because he missed him, because they had not seen each other for a month and a half, because he had resisted every time his feet led him towards the wheatfield. He wanted to see him again because it was agony to be without him and agony to be with him. He wanted to see him because only the warmth of his hands could calm the need he felt inside.
He wanted to see him because the consequences of Thomas' choice were too dire to face alone.
Tell me you're awake too.
He could always wake him up. But with what excuse? "I wanted to talk because I need you here with me"? What a ridiculous idea.
What could he do, then? Go to his room? Heavens, that was an even more ridiculous idea! He could not walk into Heart's private room like a pervert.
In the end, all he could do was walk and blame the moon, because the Side he wanted to meet was, quite rightly, sleeping.
Wow. Fantastic. Very useful.
His gaze ran across the field, searching through the ears for the umpteenth time. Heart was not there, but there were the millions of times they had met. There was his smile, suspended in Lies’ memories. There were his words, so foolishly trusting in such a cruel world.
"The world is a beautiful place and everyone loves Thomas!"
"Mom and Dad would never leave him."
"Thomas always has his brothers."
"Love is the answer to everything."
It was stupid to rely so much on the goodness of others. It was delusional.
Yet, under that cold, unanswered light, relying on those illusions did not seem so wrong after all.
I want to see him.
Something appeared at the edge of his field of vision and thoughts fled from his mind. Lies walked with long strides in that direction, meeting the figure that stuck out between the ears.
And then, he stopped.
Heart turned and stopped too, recognizing him. He was not wearing the usual sky-blue polo shirt, but a much lighter T-shirt, white in the moonlight. The same light covered his bare arms, caressed his glasses, shone with silver reflections in his messy hair.
Perhaps he too, like Lies, had tossed and turned for hours in his bed trying to sleep. Perhaps he too had stood up, unable to calm his nervous thoughts. And perhaps he too had decided to go to that field and look for him.
A gust of wind passed between them, stirred the ends of Lies' shirt, lifted the hem of Heart's t-shirt: part of his hips peeked out, naked and pale under the moon.
Lies walked towards him and Heart did the same. As he got closer, Heart's eyes grew bigger, brighter. His lips parted as if every step left him breathless.
I’m scared.
The consequences of Thomas' choice were far too dire to face alone.
Me too.
Heart's steps quickened until it became a real run. Lies started to run as well. Heart's fear reached him first, wrapped around his own and showed itself identical to it.
I need you.
I need you.
They met halfway. Lies wrapped his arms around him, Heart grabbed his face and, in the same instant, their lips met in a kiss.
Fear dispersed, overwhelmed by waves. Heart's lips were fire and despair, they were need and desire, his hands sliding through Lies' hair to pull his head closer.
Lies ran his hands down Heart's back, bare fingers sneaking under the hem of his shirt only to move up his back again – so warm, so soft, so close.
Heart sighed into the kiss and, as if that sigh had taken away all his energy, he slumped to the ground, taking Lies down with him. Lies tried to pull away - is everything okay? - but Heart grabbed his cheek and brought his mouth back on his own - it's alright -.
Except the world was still scary. Thomas kept thinking about coming out with his family. People were still enemies.
But in the space of his arms, there was Heart, his soft lips, his back under Lies’ palms, his hands in Lies’ hair, their legs intertwined.
And, above them, the night sky accompanied their kisses throughout the night.
Eventually, Thomas came out and told his family he was gay.
His mother was the first to take two steps forward and wrap him in a hug. She wept, as she cupped his cheeks in her hands. “Thank you for trusting us, my son.”
His father squeezed his shoulder and stroked his hair. It did not change anything, he told him. Thomas was still his son.
His brothers all replied with smiles, laughter and nudges. Nothing was different, except that they should find him a boyfriend now. By the way, Shea joked, Thomas still owed him six dollars.
The mind relaxed, the fears of the Unconscious subsided. Lies sighed, walking among the wheat ears. There was still a long, long way to go: but at least family was on Thomas's side. They had accepted him.
Luckily for him.
He looked up, just in time to see Heart appear, with his brown hair and sky-colored shirt. Heart turned, saw him too, and quickened his pace. Lies did the same.
They met halfway again and without even stopping, Heart threw his arms around him and Lies slipped his hands behind Heart’s back. They fell to the ground together, mouths already joined in a kiss. Heart put a hand on his cheek and broke away first: he giggled, a delightful trill that encompassed the perfection of those days, that sky, that sun, that life, that moment.
And then, without saying anything else, they kissed again.