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It had been a long time since Reen’ra had felt this conflicted about someone. It was a terrible feeling, but he had also gotten better at masking his issues, so that was at least something. It was silly and childish to think about them in such a way, and honestly, it should be a non-issue, but he couldn’t stop himself from frequently returning to what he thought were resolved troubles.
They had maybe left the Heaven of Ice about a half hour ago. The scholars of their group, aka everyone but him, Deryk and Ceretia, were discussing who would pair with which gods or goddesses as they gathered information. Ceretia was still trying to chime in every so often, mainly to convince them to let her go with Halone. He wished she’d sit down and rest, Raha knew what she would want, and would advocate for her, he was sure. But that was like telling her no, you can’t fight gods today, you’re pregnant. A death wish. Krile had tried to stop her and he had chuckled as Ceretia went into a rant about how she knew her body well enough and she was still fine to fight, as long as she stayed off the front lines. Reen’ra had assured Krile that Ceretia would be fine, his protective magic as a sage was nothing to sneeze at. Though he was probably going to go on a trip to Ul’dah soon, if only to brush up on his swordsmanship with Mylla.
Reen’ra had excused himself to sit away from everyone at the stairs nearby, trying to just admire the view, whatever it took to get out of this funk. When they were going through the heavens, he didn’t have time to think about who he was facing. The rush of battle, the need to heal and shield his companions had pushed back the old memories, the old hurts of thinking of the gods. He had never been one for worship once he was older. Confronting the gods as they had, he had hoped, but knew eventually he would face one he wished to avoid. The goddess Menphina.
A lovely woman, she seemed kind, innocent, almost like a little sister as he saw Halone and Nophica treat her. Even in their animal forms, the ice pup Halone was near the now bunny Menphina, they seemed to be talking while others planned. Reen’ra couldn’t help focus on what Menphina should mean to him though. She was the patron goddess of his clan, the Keepers of the Moon, to his knowledge his entire family still worshiped her. Reen’ra didn’t though, he had started to worship her lover, Oschon, for reasons he never explained to anyone. Those reasons were why he had now zoned out from listening to anyone, choosing to focus on what he had once hoped were long forgotten hurts, but alas, it was wishful thinking to believe he could put anything behind him.
“Reen’ra.”
Reen’ra’s ears went alert, and felt his tail straighten out behind him before he looked around, then down, to see Menphina was now in front of him, wiggling her bunny nose at him.
“I’m sorry, dear heart, I did not mean to startle you. But I had hoped we could speak in private before we were off,” Menphina explained, Reen’ra’s ears twitching up and down at the request. He really didn’t want to, he knew he would open his big mouth and confess his sinful childhood thoughts. But maybe… maybe there was nothing wrong with that. And truly, he could try, right? Powerful gods they were, they still seemed humane, as best as he could put it. Giving a short nod, Menphina jumped up and down, then wiggled her butt, Reen’ra couldn’t stop his chuckle at her happiness as a bunny. “Thank you, let us speak a little bit further, away from prying ears,” Menphina might as well have been beaming, but glanced as she looked to the side. Reen’ra could see Ceretia now looking, and saw her wrinkle her forehead at them. Reen’ra, for his part, gave her a smile and a brief wave, startling her, before she sighed, and blew a kiss at him, smiling brightly as he started to blush. Reen’ra wiggled his ears happily at her, giving her his toothy grin, trying to reassure her he really was okay. It apparently worked as she waved at him and turned to G’raha Tia once more. Glancing once more to Menphina, he tilted his head as her eyes had apparently turned into moonbeams, sparkling at him.
“You two are still so cute…!” Menphina exclaimed, Reen’ra turning red, Menphina hopping around him for a second before hopping off away from everyone. “Halone told me how she had a new worshiper, one from another star, and then we saw how you two were falling in love and it was adorable!” She continued as they walked over towards the open area between the Heavens of Wind and Water. She had already gone on and on about them before, cooing at them both when they reached her in the Heaven of Ice. Then scolded Ceretia for coming in her “condition” but Ceretia protested right back, she wanted to fight, child or not. They just settled by the final set of stairs, Reen’ra putting himself in the corner nook behind some bushes. Just in case he didn’t want to be seen, a little worried about how this would go.
“Cere does truly admire Halone,” Reen’ra offered as he sat down, grasping his hands together to hide his shaking.
“You don’t need to be so nervous,” Menphina offered, but Reen’ra gave a soft sigh, glancing at her.
“What is it you wanted to talk about?” He insisted, Menphina hopping to his side to sit on the grass, staring up at him.
“Are you doing alright?”
That was not a question Reen’ra expected, tilting his head at her, but Menphina settled down further, laying down as she stared up at him.
“You are still one of my precious Keepers, and, well,” Menphina paused for a moment as she stared at him, it felt like she was trying to find something in his expression. “I still remember your last prayer to me, and thus, I worry.”
“You heard it?” Reen’ra whispered, his shaking couldn’t be hidden now, he was sure of it. His ears were pinned against his head now as he tried to hide how he truly felt about this. But his tail was thrashing next to him as Menphina nodded.
“I did, we hear all your prayers,” Menphina confirmed, and immediately hopped back as Reen’ra growled, eyes narrowed.
“You heard it, but you didn’t answer? Didn’t help?” Reen’ra demanded, leaning over her, Menphina now bowing her head. “Why? Why couldn’t you help me? Why couldn’t you make my brother love me?!”
“There’s not mu-” Menphina started, but Reen’ra didn’t want to hear it, not yet.
“I was being abused, Menphina! Reen’a kept hurting me, kept verbally accosting me, and you couldn’t convince him to love me?! Why did I have to endure him?! What did I do wrong?!” Reen’ra was now crying, shaking, he didn’t want to think about this again. But seeing her, hearing her admit she knew and did nothing…
“I tried, in what I could, but the hate he had nurtured for so long, I could not convince him otherwise,” Menphina insisted, but Reen’ra just continued to cry. Pulling his knees up to his chest, he hugged them tightly and tried to suppress his sobs. He didn’t want to talk about this. Why did he admit it? He also didn’t want Ceretia hearing him and slamming a bunny Menphina into the ground. Because despite his demands, he knew. She may be a goddess, but they can’t fix the world. That is too much. Unnecessary even, for what is a life without some trials. But his eight year old self? He certainly didn’t know that. At the time of his last prayer to her, his back was burning, covered in bandages. There were scratches all down his back, Reen’to had explained Reen’ra fell from a tree he had climbed up and the bark got his back as he slipped and twisted as he fell. Except that wasn’t it at all. Reen’a had been in a bad mood. And found Reen’ra alone, sketching in the dirt. But when he saw Reen’a, instincts telling him to run, that just made it all the more painful. The only thing that stopped him was Reen’to demanding Reen’a to leave their little brother alone, it wasn’t his fault father was gone, and if he didn’t leave him, he would report everything to mother. He remembered crying, Reen’to carrying him, the stinging, how much it hurt…
Reen’ra jumped suddenly, feeling something lean on his thigh, and looked down to see Menphina crying on him, staring up at him.
“Truly, Reen’ra, I wanted to help… But I couldn’t,” Menphina confessed, Reen’ra staring down before choking back some tears.
“I know… I know deep down… But it hurts sometimes…” Reen’ra responded in a raspy voice, a little sore from his sobs.
“Please do not focus on who you do not have. Think of all who you do have. Mairi, Reen’sae, even Reen’li and Reen’to truly love you, their soft hearted baby brother, who still bleeds for the realm. They pray for your safety, so often now, since they barely hear from you. They love you, truly,” Menphina told him as she stared at him in his water drowned eyes. Giving a brief nod, Reen’ra let one more whimper escape as he tried to work on his breathing, it wasn’t as ragged as he thought, and after a few minutes, he was able to calm himself with a few breathing exercises he had long used over his time as an adventurer.
“I’m sorry I yelled,” Reen’ra got out, and felt Menphina nuzzling against his leg.
“I understand. I knew it could be a reaction you had, but I still wanted to let you open your heart, even if you had to scream it out, in at least some attempt to help, even if it was delayed,” Menphina smiled up at him. Reen’ra could only stare, before giving his biggest smile he could muster.
“Thank you. I am doing better now. I have Cere, I still have the Scions, separated as we may be. I have made friends with people on multiple continents, and through an entire Shard. And, well…” Reen’ra started to explain before glancing at Ceretia, relieved she was still talking, this time with Deryk, and hadn’t seen his outburst.
“I’m sure they’re fine. Both of them,” Menphina chimed in, Reen’ra nodding.
“Cere’s strong and smart, I know everything is alright. I’m just excited to give them a better and safer childhood than mine,” Reen’ra replied, before giving a deep sigh. “I think they’re waiting on us though, shall we?”
“If you’re okay…” Menphina started, Reen’ra giving a nod.
“I won’t let the hate of one overshadow the love of many,” Reen’ra smiled as he stood up, Menphina hopping around him.
“Good, I’m glad you know that. Let’s go! Mine isn’t far from Halone’s so we’ll probably get to go together,” Menphina beamed and started hopping back. Reen’ra chuckled, she reminded him of Mairi so much… Maybe it was time to visit his family after they were done here. After all, it had been a while, he missed everyone that was still there. It had been a blessing for him, the day his mother disowned Reen’a, seeing how he would never change. Even after all Reen’ra had done, his brother had only insulted him when he came home, but now… Now home would be somewhere he only felt loved.