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just a few words

Summary:

"I’m not sorry for telling you I love you. It’s true, you know. And, now that I know we can communicate like this (you’re right, it is less scary than texting), I’m going to keep telling you.
Please respond. I want to keep talking to you. About normal stuff, too, not just the heavy stuff."

Or, Simon emails Wille during Christmas break.
Basically the Waterloo letters, Wilmon version.

Notes:

ok how to explain this fic in a way that makes sense...
basically I was rereading rwrb and I just am fucking obsessed with how the emails play out and are able to really stand alone as a super strong piece of writing. so I wanted to do that with my two favourite boys. obviously, there are rwrb references here- I literally took a line from one of Alex's emails (sorry Casey mcquiston) because I just loveeeed how much I thought it spoke to Wille's character too. like, I read it and immediately was like "Wille!!!!"
Not sure how much this will diverge from canon, although I don't know if you'll even notice it. like I said this is allll taking place over email. as in, it will never transition out of the email format so if you're looking for a longer fic sorry!
that being said, hope you enjoy this first little bit. will update ... when I feel like it.

Chapter 1: The First One

Chapter Text

25 December 2021.
22:32
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: just a few words

Your Royal Highness,

Is that even the right way to address you? Does this have to be formal? Honestly this is all so weird for me and I don’t even know why I’m sending this to you. Well, I know why. I’m tipsy off mulled wine and it’s Christmas. And you told me you loved me and I couldn’t say it back. I do hope you’re having a nice Christmas, although I also simultaneously hope that you never read this?
I stole your email from the Hillerska database before I left just in case I wanted to do this, and I am both punching myself and thanking myself for doing it. The urge to contact you is literally too strong and this feels less monumental than a text (I do still have your number saved, btw).
In running with the assumption that you will never read this because you are definitely not the type of boy who checks his email, I’m going to explain everything.
I want to start from the beginning. Well, not the beginning-beginning, but like the beginning of where everything started going wrong. Although maybe everything was going wrong from the start.
(Wow, that’s really sent me into a spiral)
I just need you to understand that that video getting out was, like, a manifestation of my literal worst nightmare. It’s like, I’ve spent my whole life trying to be small, so so small, and the idea of being big, of being anything at all is actually horrifying. I don’t want people to look at me, or know who I am. I just don’t. And now…
Well. You know what it’s like now.
And then you were so, so stupid and you made a promise you couldn’t keep. You know, I wouldn’t have been that angry with you if you hadn’t promised we were in it together.
But it was so fucking scary to think I had you, and most of all to think that I was safe, and then it was all just pulled out from under me.
I get that you’re dealing with stuff with your family. So am I. But that was probably the worst thing you could’ve done in that moment.
And then you had the absolute fucking audacity to tell me you loved me, in front of the whole school, and I couldn’t say it back.
Because. Well because of course I couldn’t, you dickhead!
We were in public. Everyone was staring. They’re always staring, now. And you can’t do that; be with me in one place and then stay as far away from me as you can in another. It’s confusing. I don’t think you even know what you're doing to me sometimes.
Anyway, there isn’t much more for me to say. I hope this makes sense. Please ignore this. I just needed to get it all out.

Simon

 

27 December 2021.
12:35
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: [no subject]

Simon,

Fuck.

 

27 December 2021.
12:42
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: just a few words

Simon,

I’m so, so, so, so fucking sorry. I wish I could take it all back. I want to take it all back. I want to fight anyone who’s ever hurt you, but it was me too, wasn’t it? All that time. I’m so sorry.
I want to start with this:
Everything wasn’t going wrong from the start. Please, don’t ever say that. If there is one thing I want you to remember, it’s that you deserve to be happy. Even if it was with a dickhead like me (thanks btw), even if it was temporarily, even if we’re never supposed to be together again. I fucking hate that you are depriving yourself and apologising to people for being happy. Just because it ends doesn’t mean that the happiness was a waste. You, especially, cannot be wasted on anyone. There’s so much of you.
Second. I understand. I understand that the video getting out was -what did you call it- a manifestation of your literal worst nightmare. I wish I had told you more that I understand, because you deserve for someone to tell you the truth. Yes, it is shitty. It’s so horrible and there’s no getting around it. I feel like people (yes, even Rosh and Ayub) are not giving you credit for what you went through. And I’m sorry that I didn’t either.
I’m not sorry for telling you I love you. It’s true, you know. And, now that I know we can communicate like this (you’re right, it is less scary than texting), I’m going to keep telling you.
Please respond. I want to keep talking to you. About normal stuff, too, not just the heavy stuff. Please don’t call me Your Royal Highness.

Love,
Wille

 

28 December, 2021.
15:30
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: you’re a poet

Wilhelm,

I’m extremely embarrassed.
I honestly thought that you would never see that email. I guess it’s too late to ask you to forget everything you read? I hope the Royal Court won’t see me hanged for calling the Crown Prince a dickhead.
I just want to be perfectly clear that email communication does NOT mean we are good. I am still very angry with you. But… it’ s nice to be able to talk to you too.
Since when were you so eloquent? I guess the Royal Family really did raise you well.
Thank you, sincerely, for your words. I think I needed them. You’re right, no one has really sat down and processed this all with me. Even Rosh and Ayub. I think it just feels so big and unbelievable and untouchable to people that they can’t even try to understand what it feels like.
I noticed you didn’t apologise for breaking your promise. I don’t really know what to do with that.
But, you said you wanted to talk about regular stuff, too, and I’m feeling generous. I got a new keyboard for Christmas. I’ve been writing songs on it. I don’t know what it’s like at the palace, but Bjärstad is dull and everything is closed. I spend a lot of time at the house, I guess. It’s that time of year where I realise that school actually is good, because it gives me something to do. And clearly I need to go to school, because my email-writing skills are not HALF as good as yours.
Which ??????
Wilhelm, you are literally an author. Even though you’re not trying to be, and you’re not writing a fantasy book or something, your writing is still just so lovely. Like, I didn’t ever really see you write anything and now that I am, I feel like I’m meeting an entirely different boy. I want you to write more.
That’s all the updates I really have for now. How is the palace? How are your parents? How are you?

Best,
Simon

 

28 December, 2021.
16:00
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: I miss you

Simon,

I’m so glad you responded. I think today I’m going to skip the heavy stuff, entirely. Maybe I’ll send it in a separate email. Yes, think of this email as happy Wille who will be telling you about his time at home in the beautiful palace. Stay tuned for sad Wille later.
I miss you! I was in the garden today (horrible place to be this time of year) and I saw a fox. Can you actually believe it? It was so much smaller than I imagined it to be. It looked like it had your eyes. I know that sounds weird, but hear me out.
Your eyes are dark, darker than any I’ve ever seen before, but they fucking glow. They reflect any light they can latch onto. Even in my room when it’s dark outside and the lights are off, your eyes have light in them. It’s one of my favourite parts about you.
Anyway, this fox had your eyes. It made me think of you and I got a bit moody. So, I came inside to mope around and play some video games, and then I saw that you had responded to me! Talk about a good omen.
Since school finished for the term, I’ve been spending a lot of time at home, too (LOL- where else would I go). I actually decided to start going into the kitchen with the cooks at lunchtime so they can teach me a little bit. I thought that if I was going to move out one day and (hopefully) live a somewhat normal life, I should at least learn how to boil water. The other day, I successfully made a salad (and tossed it!) with vegetables that I chopped myself.
To answer your other questions, mom and dad are okay. I’m okay, too.
I miss you. I love you. Talk soon?

Love,
Wille

Chapter 2: New Year's Day

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

29 December, 2021.
14:25
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: this made me think of you

Wille,

Found this plush fox at the store today. Thoughts? Does it look just like me, too?

Best,
Simon

[attachment]

 

29 December, 2021.
23:39
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Sorry

Simon,

I don’t know if this one is going to get sent or not. But I think you deserve to get both sides of me just as I get both sides of you. You called me Wille today, and I hate that this is probably going to ruin any shred of goodness left between us. Sad Wille has really come out tonight.
Not because of you, though. Well, partially because of you. You said that you noticed I didn’t apologise for breaking my promise, and that’s because I can’t.
I can’t be sorry for self-preservation and for doing what’s incidentally best for both of us, and I know you’re going to be angry with me about this and I have to accept that.
I need you to imagine that your life is projected onto a big-screen for the world to see. That thing that you hate so much, that “being seen” thing? That is my entire life. Since I was born, people have felt entitled to me and my life and my decisions. And it just so happens that people love to know about who a Crown Prince is fucking.
(Not that you and I were only fucking, by the way.)
Now think about being raised like this, and the only person you look up to, the only person you really trust to do the right thing, he just… disappears. He goes away, and there’s no more for you to latch onto and you have to try to figure out what the right thing is for yourself. So you just have to guess.
I know that I shouldn’t have told you I would tell the truth in the interview if there was even the slightest chance that I wouldn’t. I get it. But I just wanted to stay with you so badly and I knew that if I told you that I couldn’t tell the truth, you would leave. And honestly, I really thought I was going to do it. I thought I was going to walk into that room and tell the entire world that I loved you and that they could all just shut the fuck up about it.
But the second I got to that moment, the second I really came to terms with it, I realised that I couldn’t, and not just for me. You say that you hate being seen and I if I had told the truth, there would’ve been cameras outside your front door in seconds, more than there already were. You would’ve had nothing; no privacy, no safe space.
Don’t you see? I was trying to protect you. I’ll always be trying to protect you, I think. Even if you don’t always want me to.
I love you.

Love,
Wille

 

31 December, 2021.
16:45
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: You’re an idiot

Wilhelm,

I don’t want to be protected by you. It makes me feel suffocated.

Simon

 

01 January, 2022.
00:00
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: [no subject]

Simon,

Happy New Year. I hope I didn’t completely ruin everything. Please keep responding and telling me about your days. I’ll send you another Happy Wille email tomorrow. I miss you. I love you.

Love,
Wilhelm

 

01 January, 2022.
09:52
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: this made me think of you

Simon,

That fox looks exactly like you. It’s somewhat uncanny. I hope you bought it; if you didn’t, the second I get back to Hillerska I’m going into Bjärstad to get it for myself.
I’ll be back in a week, by the way.
I’m genuinely excited thinking about it. It’s weird how much school has become my home, especially considering how little I wanted to be there last term. I’d like to think that was because of you.
In today’s episode of Happy Wille, I’m going to be fulfilling your request to write more. But I only can really write about things that I care about. So, enjoy the next few words written entirely about you.
There’s this thing that you do when you’re thinking really hard in class. Your pencil comes up to sit at the corner of your mouth and you stare at the teacher so intensely, almost like you have no room in your head for anything else. I want to occupy that space in your brain. (although I’m sure I’ve lost that privilege, huh?) And then when you’re asleep (although I’ve only really seen you asleep once), I get this absolutely insane notion that I’m never going to see anything like you again and I get so scared that I feel like I need to reach out and touch you. This ache swells up inside of me and I feel like I’ve lost you even though you’re right there. I know you say these things about wanting to be small and not wanting to be too big or too much. But, to me, you are so much larger than anything: larger than the palace or the monarchy or the whole goddamn world.
I love you.

Love,
Wille

 

02 January, 2021.
12:30
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: I liked it

Wilhelm,

Thank you for the beautiful words. You’re something different.
I’m sorry I’ve closed off a bit, but keep writing. I’ll do my best to respond and be Happy Simon, not Sad Simon for you. It’s nice to know I can be both, though. I’m choosing to do something completely out of character and ignore your other email (re: sorry) for now. I want to think more before I do something stupid like call you suffocating again.
I do understand what you’re saying, though.
In any case, I’ll see you next week.

Best,
Simon

Notes:

guys. guyyyyyys. these two. like Simon finally feeling not mad-enough at Wille anymore to call him Wille and then Wille just fucks it up again. like ugh so real.
on a real note though, Simon & Wille's approach to conflict resolution is something I love to think about. like I think that simon tends to hit issues really aggressively and tries to get the hard things out of the way (which I really admire, btw). whereas Wille wants to smooth everything over so badly and hates the yelling and the anger part of it that he just turns to love when he's upset. probably because of being raised by Kristina (ew) and those just suffocating expectations.
but ... like. "I'll always be trying to protect you." my poor sweet boy. he really just wants to be with Simon and be happy and that hurts sooooo bad.
but let me just say that Simon's response and anger to Sad Wille was extremely valid. obviously, I wish that he could be gentler about it, and try to see Wille's situation more, but you've got to understand where he's personally coming from too, which is a place of trauma and where sadness is weakness.
anyways! happy things: the fox. it's true Simon is soooo fox-coded I love it. Wille signing every email with I love you even when simon doesn't say it back (like stfu that's adorable). Simon being Wille's first thought when the clock struck midnight on new year's. like ew you guys are so cute it makes me sick.
thank u sosososo much for the nice comments. decided to post the first chapter to see how it would go and I already had the second written, so I thought why not post it lol!

Chapter 3: Boxes

Notes:

short and sweet one today xoxox

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

03 January, 2022.
13:55
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: today is going well

Wille,

As you may have seen in the subject line, today is going well. I don’t know if you’ve ever been to the coffee shop in Bjärstad, but I think you’d like it. They make an incredible flat white. Speaking of I just realised that I don’t know how you take your coffee. Isn’t it crazy that I don’t know that? I guess we kind of skipped a few steps.
Anyways, today is going well because the sun was out for a little while and that like, instantly boosted my mood. I love the sun. I don’t think I’m made for Swedish winters. I especially like the way it looks coming into my bedroom because everything turns yellow and happy. While the sun was still out (before it started pouring rain grrr) I was able to walk into town to get coffee at the aforementioned coffee shop and it almost felt like summer. Which I am extremely looking forward to, btw.
Even though today is going well, there’s a bit of sadness in it. I’ve never really talked to you much about my dad, but sometimes the whole situation makes me just generally upset when I think about it too much. It’s okay though, because my mom always can tell when I’m feeling sad about that so she always makes my favourite food for lunch. It's good to have both happiness and sadness in a day, I think.

I think I’d like to know your coffee order.

Best,
Simon

 

03 January, 2022.
14:45
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Boxes

Simon,

It’s an almond milk latte (extra hot).
I just wanted to say that I like how you can put everything, the good and the bad, into one email. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I tend to separate my emotions (hence Sad Wille and Happy Wille). It’s too hard to be everything at once, so I like to put them each in their own box, far, far away from each other so they can’t combine and get even more complicated.
Like, I put the thing with my mom in a box with a bunch of chains wrapped around it. I put my brother in a music box that can open and sing me a song whenever I miss him.
You and I, though. That doesn’t really fit in a box. That lives somewhere else entirely. I don’t know if I’ve really found a home for it yet (don’t worry, I’m working on it).
All that to say that I think I’d like to learn to feel it all at once. I don’t want to be just happy, or just sad, or just angry. God, I’m so fucking tired of being angry: at the world, at my family.
Maybe one day you can teach me to feel more than one thing. After all, you were the one who taught me how to be more than just the Crown Prince.
Thanks for that, by the way. I love you.

Love,
Wille

P.S. I know you love the sun. It’s because you’re positively golden.

 

03 January, 2022.
20:25
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: i’m kind of a mess, too

Wille,

I appreciate that you think I teach you things. Maybe I have, before. But I’m just making it up as I go along, you know. I don’t know any more about life and happiness and emotions than you do. Hopefully one day you realise that everything you know now, the happy and the sad, the beautiful and the terrible, is not because of someone else. You’ve got to stop giving everyone else credit for the good things you’ve done. You are good.
In terms of feeling everything at once, I don’t know if I’d recommend it. Maybe your boxes are a good thing sometimes. Not all the time, obviously. I hope, too, that you learn how to “feel it all at once.” But I think that being able to turn off the things that are hurting you and then choosing to be happy instead, despite everything, is somewhat admirable, actually.
Like I said before, I’m also kind of a mess. Where you put things away and separate them, I feel like I sometimes feel everything, all the time. Take my dad for a good example. When I remember what he did to my family (what he's still doing to my family), I get so sad and angry and even nostalgic and then I mourn and miss him a little bit too, so I don’t know what the actual feeling is. It’s so hard to separate those things, sometimes.
Maybe we can learn from each other. You teach me your boxes, and I’ll teach you to unlock yours.

Best,
Simon

Notes:

alright folks. ngl. kind of nervous about this one because I feel like I've made somewhat of a controversial take.
but first... who caught the rwrb reference??? cookies if you see it (I lowkey love putting little Easter eggs in this).
anyways. I think there's going to be quite a few people who disagree with how I've characterised s&w here. a lot of people might think that Simon is the one who 'boxes' up his emotions and Wille is the one who feels everything so deeply, while I've characterised them as the opposite. and while I see how that's valid due to how much of Wille's anxiety/sadness that we see, especially in s2, there's an argument to be made for the other side here.
so much of what we see of Simon is him holding grudges, struggling to regulate his anger/bitterness, and letting his emotions be the initial guide of his decisions (although w does this sometimes too). think him threatening august, and how he tends to jump into defence mode when he feels threatened. one of the biggest tells for this to me is actually how quick he was to push Wille away after the interview, and how long it took for them to just talk to each other about it all.
on the opposite hand, Wille has been trained his entire life to box things up. like, literally that is the whole royalty deal. so I think while we see a certain side of Wille, the way that he perceives himself and certainly the way the world perceives him is entirely different.
wow. that was a lot. anywayyyyyys thank you again for being so sweet and kind and nice and lovely. writing is so fun for me and it's cool to see that people resonate with the things I say. kind of crazy. thank u again <3

Chapter 4: Vices

Notes:

heyyyy people

I'm back

this is ... an odd one

just trying to get the creative juices flowing

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

04 January, 2022.
10:45
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: I’m making a list

Wille,

I do this thing sometimes when I’m stressed. It usually starts as a list and then turns into something bigger like a song or a journal entry. But it always starts as a list. I don’t know, I think it helps me organise my thoughts before I decide to do something about them: I’m not sure if you’ve noticed but I can be a little irrational sometimes.
And honestly, I’m a little stressed right now at the thought about seeing you again. I don’t know if all the good things I think about you will still exist, even though we’ve been talking. It’s like this version of you, that I didn’t know before at all, doesn’t exist outside of my computer and I feel like I could have completely made up everything. And I don’t want to see you in a few days and be confused or worse, disappointed about what I see.
Sorry, that has nothing to do with you and who you are. Just about me and what I tend to do with people, which is idealise them.
So, here is a list of things I know about you that are good, and that are real.
1. You make me sandwiches when you know I skip breakfast
2. You’re always running your fingers through your hair when it flops in your eyes
3. When you’re nervous (like when I get too close to you), you hold your breath
4. Your eyelashes are insanely long
5. You smell like cedarwood and pine mixed with something very distinctively Wille that I can’t quite name
This is all coming across as very intimate, so I’m capping myself at five items. See you soon.

Best,
Simon

 

04 January, 2022.
14:00
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Bad things

Simon,

I’m glad you don’t see me the way everyone else does. I used to think that the best thing about being a prince is that no matter what I did, everyone couldn’t hate me. I wanted to be liked so badly, and it felt like to some degree someone would always like me because I could give something to them. Only when I got older did it start to feel a little bit like drowning. I think that’s why I did what I did at the party, the thing that got me sent to Hillerska. I wanted to prove to myself and everyone that no matter what I did, the pedestal that me and the rest of my family stand on wouldn’t crumble. One day, I want to take apart that pedestal with my bare hands.
I can’t hide from you like I hide from myself. All the things I pretend don’t exist about me are decidedly underlined to you. And I fucking love it.
It makes me immeasurably happy to know that there are things you don’t like about me, that there are things about me that could possibly disappoint you. I know it sounds masochistic and absolutely fucking insane but it’s true. Make a list of all the things you hate about me next, darling.

I love you.

Love,
Wille

 

05 January, 2022.
13:30
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: You are an evil, evil man

Wilhelm,

How dare you call me darling like that. I’ll have you know that you’ve found a very strong chink in my impenetrable armour.
A VERY VERY LONG LIST OF ALL THE THINGS I DESPISE ABOUT CROWN PRINCE WILHELM OF SWEDEN:
1. His stupid fucking hair
2. His stupid fucking eyelashes
3. The stupid way he holds his breath
4. His stupid proclivity for words
5. The way he could probably write a whole novel that I would finish in an hour no matter how long it was
6. His humility despite the fact that he literally could bring the entire country to its knees with a snap of his fingers
7. His stupid face in sunglasses
8. His stupid hands
9. His stupid mouth
10. The fact that even though I’m still so, so mad at him I want to ruin all the progress I’ve made and go right back to his room

Please forget I wrote this list, kindly go fuck yourself, and don’t call me darling again unless you want me to do something incredibly stupid that I will definitely regret.

Yours in frustration,
Simon

 

05 January, 2022.
23:33
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: You are an evil, evil man

My darling Simon,

I would be lying if I said that I’m tempted to respond in an equally frustrating and loaded way. But honestly, I’m feeling cheeky and I stole some of my mother’s brandy. So I’ll leave you with this and only this.
I’ve been thinking about you and your face and smart mouth since Christmas.
And yet I don’t want them. At least, not in the way you’re offering them to me. I refuse to play this back-and-forth game with you while we’re both still figuring our shit out.
Next time I kiss you I promise you’ll mean it. We both will.
I love you.

Love,
Wille

Notes:

ok.... hear me out. I know that this is toxic of them, this weird back and forth and sexual innuendo and frustration and to a lot of people this will make no sense and feel very ooc. but like... I think that a very valid way that s2 could have gone could have been with w & s falling into a very toxic fwb situation. especially knowing that Wille had essentially poured his heart out to simon, giving simon loads of power over him. I've been seeing a lot of discourse on yrtwt about how simon is portrayed in fics and how some people think it's inaccurate for him to be portrayed as shy, timid etc because he was literally the one who was so bold with Wille in the beginning.
and like.. yes!! exactly this is what I was going for with this!! simon would sooooo be like "no I'm fuckin done with Wille I never want to speak to him again" and then five minutes later be like "...we can still make out though." like a relationship like that is truly so wilmon.

anyways, if you're reading this that means that you've read the chapter even though I abandoned this fic for a sec, and I deeply deeply appreciate that. there's so much lovely content you could be reading on this site and you have chosen this silly little work! so thank you <3 love ya.

Chapter 5: Under the Sky

Notes:

you guys are lucky the sun is coming out, because when the sun is out, I write.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

06 January, 2022
10:00
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Why this is so hard for me

Wille,

Every time I kiss you, I mean it. Which is part of why this is so hard for me. I’m still so, so confused and honestly, still angry. It’s hard for me to think that I could be angry with you and still want you. It doesn’t make sense to me. I’m trying so hard to combine the two images I have of you in my head and it’s hard.
Maybe it’s because I’ve only ever seen certain types of relationships. Like, take my parents for example. All they did was fight. They were so angry with each other. And when they were angry with each other, there was no love there. Not a drop. Not for me, not for Sara, and definitely not for each other.
As much as I’m trying to learn from them, to be better, I’m scared that a part of me is destined to end up the same way they did. I don’t want to be my dad, and I don’t want anyone I’m with to be my mom.

Yours in confusion,
Simon

 

06 January, 2022.
17:30
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Sorry

Simon,

Sorry if I came across a little bit strong in that email yesterday. I don’t mean to confuse you more, although I know that this whole situation is deeply, deeply confusing.
On another note, I yelled at my mom today. It went horribly, but like, I did it. I think you’d be proud of my use of swear words and the fact that I didn’t let myself cry until she had left.
It started with a meeting with the Royal Court. It always starts that way. They want me to start considering military service already, Simon. Can you fucking believe that? I’m still a kid, and they want me to decide my entire future right now. I’m not made for that military shit, you know it and I know it.
So, I basically told her (and Jan-Olof and everyone else) that I wasn’t going to follow the traditional path of men in this family. And she did what she always does, which is do that stupid fucking sigh and look at me like I just killed her dog and say “Wilhelm.” in that disappointed voice. And I looked at her right back and told her that I didn’t belong here and never would, beginning with the fact that I refuse to hide who I love from the world. Then I threatened to go live on Instagram and tell everyone that I lied in that interview.
Of course, that meant a very long sentence to my bedroom, without my phone or laptop, which is absolute torture when you know that you’ve got an email from Simon Eriksson waiting for you.
Anyway.
I understand why it’s hard to reconcile two versions of me in your head. I wasn’t good to you. I tried, but I wasn’t. I know that. And now, here, over email, I get to say things that I’m feeling but they don’t just spill out without me thinking about it. I get to craft it more, to cut out the parts that might be rougher around the edges.
I’m still Wille. I still might say things that hurt you, or that you don’t understand. And that’s okay. You’ve hurt me too.
I love you anyways. Give yourself space and time, darling.

Love,
Wille

 

07 January, 2022
11:30
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: What do you do when you’re freaking out?

Wille,

One thing I admire about you is how you can pull yourself together when you’re freaking out. I’m sure that’s a result of years of media training from Queen Kristina herself, but you’re still good at it. How do you do it? I think I’m starting to develop anxiety. Every time I go into town, I feel like people are staring. They’ve all seen the video, I know they have. I hate that they’ve seen me like that, and I start to feel like my throat is closing up and I have to turn right back around and go home. Any advice for that is appreciated.
I’m sorry about your mom. I think about you trapped in that palace a lot. I think I’d yell a little bit too. I’m proud of you for doing that. But Jesus, military service already? What does that even mean? It’s not like they could send you off to a battlefield or something. I’m sure it would be mostly ceremonial or whatever, but damn. I mean, I knew she was a little bit crazy but that feels intense. I’m sorry. I hope things get better for you. Keep standing up for yourself and know that I’m in your corner, even if she and the Royal Court aren’t.

Yours in parental issues,
Simon

 

07 January, 2022.
12:00
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Find your sky

Simon,

I don’t think I’m the person you should be asking for advice on anxiety. I’m a fucking mess all the time. But if you want to know my opinion, I think you should find something to ground yourself. I used to freak out about the smallest things: the sky freaked me the fuck out.
That sounds crazy, but listen. It’s like, the sky looks different to me everywhere I go, even though it’s all the same sky.
In Bjärstad it’s huge and stretches out and I feel like I’m listening to music. In Stockholm it’s blue, so blue but it’s tinted with smog and feels suffocating, like it’s closing in on me. You know how I am about change. Everything changes, everything is different, even the fucking sky changes. And my therapist (I have a therapist now) tells me that when I’m panicking that I should look at the sky to ground myself and it mostly just makes me panic more. But you always look the same under that sky. I look at you to ground myself instead of the sky. Because you’re always Simon. Just Simon.
Like, you’re Simon in my room and in yours and in class. You could be surrounded by diplomats and world leaders and A-list celebrities and still you’re Simon.
So, find your sky, I guess. It’ll all be okay, I promise.

I love you.

Love,
Wille

Notes:

ooooooof. this one is THICK, folks. is part of me writing good-communication wilmon because it hurts so bad to watch them communicate poorly? yes. but the other part of me is writing good-communication wilmon because I know they can do it and are capable of it! especially over email. that bit Wille said about being able to cut out the rough parts is so true! I feel like so much of what they say is motivated and driven by emotion and anger and fear etc etc. when they're caught up in the heat of the moment so to give them the space to step back and think a bit more feels healthy.
LET'S TALK ABOUT SIMON'S ANXIETY EXPERIENCE. here's the thing. I know Wille is the one with anxiety that really really struggles in the show. but I think it's so egregious how the writers brushed over the effect of the video on simon in s2. I think it's almost impossible to think that he wouldn't experience some social anxiety/panic disorder as a result of the video. I love that they're able to learn from each other and maybe, just maybe, go through the tough stuff together.

things I love in this chap (making a list just like simon lol):
"the sky looks different everywhere I go" OUCHHHHHH like
simon finally coming to terms with how his parents' relationship could have affected his conception of intimacy/conflict in relationships
Wille threatening to go live on instagram (season two reference lol) because I just find it so fuckin funny
simon saying he admires Wille's battle with anxiety!!
wilmon acknowledging that they've hurt each other and choosing to try anyways :')

things are looking up for them, aren't they?

love ya. next few chaps are already written, so you won't have to wait too long for anything, I promise