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just a few words

Chapter 2: New Year's Day

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

29 December, 2021.
14:25
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: this made me think of you

Wille,

Found this plush fox at the store today. Thoughts? Does it look just like me, too?

Best,
Simon

[attachment]

 

29 December, 2021.
23:39
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Sorry

Simon,

I don’t know if this one is going to get sent or not. But I think you deserve to get both sides of me just as I get both sides of you. You called me Wille today, and I hate that this is probably going to ruin any shred of goodness left between us. Sad Wille has really come out tonight.
Not because of you, though. Well, partially because of you. You said that you noticed I didn’t apologise for breaking my promise, and that’s because I can’t.
I can’t be sorry for self-preservation and for doing what’s incidentally best for both of us, and I know you’re going to be angry with me about this and I have to accept that.
I need you to imagine that your life is projected onto a big-screen for the world to see. That thing that you hate so much, that “being seen” thing? That is my entire life. Since I was born, people have felt entitled to me and my life and my decisions. And it just so happens that people love to know about who a Crown Prince is fucking.
(Not that you and I were only fucking, by the way.)
Now think about being raised like this, and the only person you look up to, the only person you really trust to do the right thing, he just… disappears. He goes away, and there’s no more for you to latch onto and you have to try to figure out what the right thing is for yourself. So you just have to guess.
I know that I shouldn’t have told you I would tell the truth in the interview if there was even the slightest chance that I wouldn’t. I get it. But I just wanted to stay with you so badly and I knew that if I told you that I couldn’t tell the truth, you would leave. And honestly, I really thought I was going to do it. I thought I was going to walk into that room and tell the entire world that I loved you and that they could all just shut the fuck up about it.
But the second I got to that moment, the second I really came to terms with it, I realised that I couldn’t, and not just for me. You say that you hate being seen and I if I had told the truth, there would’ve been cameras outside your front door in seconds, more than there already were. You would’ve had nothing; no privacy, no safe space.
Don’t you see? I was trying to protect you. I’ll always be trying to protect you, I think. Even if you don’t always want me to.
I love you.

Love,
Wille

 

31 December, 2021.
16:45
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: You’re an idiot

Wilhelm,

I don’t want to be protected by you. It makes me feel suffocated.

Simon

 

01 January, 2022.
00:00
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: [no subject]

Simon,

Happy New Year. I hope I didn’t completely ruin everything. Please keep responding and telling me about your days. I’ll send you another Happy Wille email tomorrow. I miss you. I love you.

Love,
Wilhelm

 

01 January, 2022.
09:52
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: this made me think of you

Simon,

That fox looks exactly like you. It’s somewhat uncanny. I hope you bought it; if you didn’t, the second I get back to Hillerska I’m going into Bjärstad to get it for myself.
I’ll be back in a week, by the way.
I’m genuinely excited thinking about it. It’s weird how much school has become my home, especially considering how little I wanted to be there last term. I’d like to think that was because of you.
In today’s episode of Happy Wille, I’m going to be fulfilling your request to write more. But I only can really write about things that I care about. So, enjoy the next few words written entirely about you.
There’s this thing that you do when you’re thinking really hard in class. Your pencil comes up to sit at the corner of your mouth and you stare at the teacher so intensely, almost like you have no room in your head for anything else. I want to occupy that space in your brain. (although I’m sure I’ve lost that privilege, huh?) And then when you’re asleep (although I’ve only really seen you asleep once), I get this absolutely insane notion that I’m never going to see anything like you again and I get so scared that I feel like I need to reach out and touch you. This ache swells up inside of me and I feel like I’ve lost you even though you’re right there. I know you say these things about wanting to be small and not wanting to be too big or too much. But, to me, you are so much larger than anything: larger than the palace or the monarchy or the whole goddamn world.
I love you.

Love,
Wille

 

02 January, 2021.
12:30
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: I liked it

Wilhelm,

Thank you for the beautiful words. You’re something different.
I’m sorry I’ve closed off a bit, but keep writing. I’ll do my best to respond and be Happy Simon, not Sad Simon for you. It’s nice to know I can be both, though. I’m choosing to do something completely out of character and ignore your other email (re: sorry) for now. I want to think more before I do something stupid like call you suffocating again.
I do understand what you’re saying, though.
In any case, I’ll see you next week.

Best,
Simon

Notes:

guys. guyyyyyys. these two. like Simon finally feeling not mad-enough at Wille anymore to call him Wille and then Wille just fucks it up again. like ugh so real.
on a real note though, Simon & Wille's approach to conflict resolution is something I love to think about. like I think that simon tends to hit issues really aggressively and tries to get the hard things out of the way (which I really admire, btw). whereas Wille wants to smooth everything over so badly and hates the yelling and the anger part of it that he just turns to love when he's upset. probably because of being raised by Kristina (ew) and those just suffocating expectations.
but ... like. "I'll always be trying to protect you." my poor sweet boy. he really just wants to be with Simon and be happy and that hurts sooooo bad.
but let me just say that Simon's response and anger to Sad Wille was extremely valid. obviously, I wish that he could be gentler about it, and try to see Wille's situation more, but you've got to understand where he's personally coming from too, which is a place of trauma and where sadness is weakness.
anyways! happy things: the fox. it's true Simon is soooo fox-coded I love it. Wille signing every email with I love you even when simon doesn't say it back (like stfu that's adorable). Simon being Wille's first thought when the clock struck midnight on new year's. like ew you guys are so cute it makes me sick.
thank u sosososo much for the nice comments. decided to post the first chapter to see how it would go and I already had the second written, so I thought why not post it lol!