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on a rainy day

Summary:

!! new christmas oneshot in the last chapter !!

When Simon bumps into a friendly looking boy, sheltering from the rain somewhere close to his apartment, he didn't expect to to fall in love with him. But love is a funny thing and sometimes it takes everything to let it work out.

Notes:

Hello again!!

I'm Emma and I've been working on this fic for quite some time now, and finally finally I felt ready to start posting.
Since I've already written a big part of it, I will update every 5-7 days. You will read this fic through both Simons and Willes point of view and trigger warnings will be put in the notes if I find them necessary to add.
I just truly hope that you'll enjoy this fic as much as I enjoyed writing it!!

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter 1: on a rainy day

Summary:

‘Oh shit, I’m so sorry!’ he blurted out, streaking a soaked curl away from his forehead to get a good view of the person he hadn’t seen before.

It turned out to be a boy, around his age and a bit taller than him. He had ash blond hair which fell into his eyes a bit and his cheeks were covered slightly with acne. Despite just being bumped into, his expression was friendly, although a bit confused at the moment. Like himself, he wasn’t dressed for the rain either, having a long, dark blue coat on him and a bag over his shoulder.

‘Don’t worry about it,’ the stranger responded, ‘there’s enough room for two here.’

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Simon groaned miserably when he closed the door of the coffeeshop behind him. It wasn’t just raining, it was pouring and everyone else on the streets was either hurrying home or seeking shelter from the water that was falling out of the dark clouds above them. He pulled his collar up and stepped over the threshold into the rain, groaning again when he felt the drops soak him in less than a minute. He couldn’t wait to get home. With shoes squishing from the water, he made his way to his apartment.

It wasn’t a fairly long walk, but the rain made everything worse. He walked past several people sheltering in small cafes and bakeries, but he chose to walk on. He was soaked already anyways and his street was just around the corner.

He loved his apartment. Yes, it was small and yes, he was probably paying way too much rent, but it was his own place. It was on the first floor, a tad old, but light, thanks to the windows on the street side which covered a fairly big part of the wall and all the main services were working just fine.

His interior wasn’t much either, but it fit together nicely. He got a four-person round dinner table slash desk, a weathered sofa next to his bookcase, which contained books mainly about music and pictures of his family and in the corner was his old keyboard standing on its holder. If you went through a small hall, you got to his bedroom which was tiny, but big enough to fit his double bed and a closet. Across from it was his bathroom.

The first few days after moving in, he would just sit on his couch and look around, getting used to his new environment and still moving things around, slowly giving everything a spot. Moving somewhere new never had been Simons favorite part. He was someone who liked to stay at one place, loving the comfort of knowing where everything was and where he could find his favorite people. But he couldn’t live on campus forever and he knew that.

He had also wandered around the area, just to get to know it a little bit better. Beforehand, he knew the city centre, but he hadn’t discovered this part of the city yet.

Simon had finished his bachelor last year, but hadn’t finished his minor yet, which he was doing right now. It was a combined one of Swedish language and creative writing with which he hoped to develop his songwriting skills a bit. He loved to sing but he never gotten the chance for a study in music. This minor was definitely an opportunity to get himself a step in that direction.

As he reached his street, Simon could almost feel the rain turn into warm shower water with the scent of his favorite shampoo. He couldn’t wait to step underneath the shower and get dressed afterwards in something clean and warm which didn’t smell like coffee. He was so lost in thought that he didn’t see the person sheltering under the roof near the entrance until he bumped into him.

‘Oh shit, I’m so sorry!’ he blurted out, streaking a soaked curl away from his forehead to get a good view of the person he hadn’t seen before.

It turned out to be a boy, around his age and a bit taller than him. He had ash blond hair which fell into his eyes a bit and his cheeks were covered slightly with acne. Despite just being bumped into, his expression was friendly, although a bit confused at the moment. Like himself, he wasn’t dressed for the rain either, having a long, dark blue coat on him and a bag over his shoulder.

‘Don’t worry about it,’ the stranger responded, ‘there’s enough room for two here.’

Simon smiled, he hadn’t expected such a kind response. ‘I live here, but thanks anyways,’ he said, nevertheless stepping a bit further under the roof so he wasn’t in the rain anymore.

‘Oh, that’s convenient,’ the boy chuckled and Simon tried to ignore how much he liked that sound. ‘I live right across but I can’t muster up the strength to run through the rain.’

They stood together for a while, Simon not having a logical explanation for why he wasn’t going inside and chose to stare at the rain with some stranger. When the heavy rain turned into a slight drizzle, he opened his mouth again.

‘So,’ Simon looked between the boy and the street. ‘Are you gonna run for it?

‘I think I would go for it, if I were you,’ Simon continued, ‘doesn’t get much better than this, I think.’

The boy hummed affirmatively before slinging his bag a little tighter over his shoulder.

‘See you around then,’ the boy said before he looked left and right and dashed through the rain in the direction of the apartment block across the street.

Simon stood there for a second longer before shaking his confusion away, not getting why a stranger would be so kind after he bumped into him and then turned around to make his way upstairs. He certainly hoped he would see him around.

It had been a particularly busy day at work, it was almost exam season so a lot of students had come in for some study sessions, but only when he stepped inside his apartment, he felt how exhausted he was. He took a quick, hot shower, and then threw his leftover pasta in the microwave and stared at the spinning food. After hearing the promising ‘ping’, he plopped down at the table, devouring his meal. He gave himself a few minutes to finish it, before grabbing his laptop to read through one of the assignments he wrote yesterday.

Darkness fell over the apartment soon after that and it was the only sign that he knew how long he had been reading. He got up to flick on the kitchen light, not bothering to close the curtains, and sat back down, resting his eyes for a bit by staring out of his window. It was funny to think about the fact that he now knew someone who lived across from him and he couldn’t help but wonder which apartment was his.

The second that thought crossed his mind, he called himself back. Did he really just fell for someone who he had bumped into and didn’t even know? He laughed silently, refusing to think about the incident again and closed his laptop, done for tonight. Although he really liked living on his own, he missed having a relationship. His previous one hadn’t ended well, but nevertheless he just wanted someone to share his life with. He sighed before standing up, cleaned up his table and made his way over to his bedroom for a good nights rest.

 

On Tuesday evening, Rosh came over, not having properly seen his apartment yet since she was on exchange.

‘God, this is great, Simme!’

‘I know right?!’

After a short tour, they’d ended up at the dinner table, sipping their drinks and catching up about life. They had lived on the same campus but like him, she had moved out over summer, starting a master at a different university that fitted her career path more, but they had stayed in touch.

‘Have you met anyone from around here yet?’ Rosh asked, looking at him with her eyebrows raised.

‘Not really, to be honest, I just bumped into this guy a while ago, but I haven’t seen him again.’

She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively. ‘And…’

‘And nothing,’ Simon said, feeling his cheeks get hot, ‘I don’t have an opinion about him yet.’

‘You should go to him,’ Rosh stated.

‘Yeah, that would be the absolute weirdest thing ever.’ Simon shot back, not really sure if telling Rosh had been a good idea. ‘Imagine me knocking on doors for minutes straight just to show up uninvited. Besides, I don’t even know where exactly he lives.’

Rosh hummed slightly more understanding and then the conversation took a different road again. Around ten they called it a night, Rosh having to drive back and him having an early morning again tomorrow.

 

The rest of his week carried on as usual but the weather didn’t change for the better. He found himself unconsciously looking out for the boy he had met in the rain, as if he could reappear through the rain every moment. He didn’t though. At least not until Thursday.

Simon had his coat pulled up high again and his head lowered while actively pacing towards his apartment. He didn’t really mind rain, but returning home soaking wet every single day for a whole week now was getting on his nerves.

Due to his quiet sulking, he almost missed the figure standing near the entrance. He wiped the water out of his eyes and spoke up before his nerves got the better of him.

‘Not up for another dash through the rain?’ he asked as soon as he stepped under the roof as well. He was met with the same friendly smile as last time.

‘Nope,’ the boy answered, popping the ‘p’ before chuckling again. ‘And I must admit that I’m pretty done with the weather as well.

Simon nodded in agreement. Again, he stood there longer than necessary, not having expected that he would ever run into the boy again.

Said boy seemed to notice his shuffling because his gaze shifted form the dark clouds towards Simon, making proper eye contact for the first time before holding out his hand. ‘I’m Wilhelm, by the way.’

‘Simon,’ he said, shaking the hand of the other boy. Their hands were cold and wet from the rain, but the only word that came to Simons mind was ‘nice’. A clap of thunder startled the both of them and they let go of each others hand.

‘This way you won’t get home any time soon…’

He tried to force the blood in his veins to not rush to his cheeks, but he felt himself failing when the boy he now knew was named Wilhelm observed him for a second too long, seemingly curious about the sudden interest he had in his life.

‘Nah, my weather app said it’ll be over soon.’

‘Do want something to drink while waiting?’ Simon blurted out before he had the change to overthink his offer. A small smile played around Wilhelms lips before he responded.

‘Yeah, sure, why not.’

Simon took this as his cue to politely turn his back to Wilhelm, hiding his own small smile from him while fumbling with his keys. Together, they took the stairs to the first floor and walked up the corridor to Simons apartment. He opened the door and let Wilhelm go in first. He quickly put on the kettle before he spoke up again.

‘Go sit wherever you like. Do you mind if I put some dry clothes on?’

‘Of course not, I’ll wait here,’ Wilhelm answered while taking place at the kitchen table, which Simon thankfully has cleared the night before.

Simon smiled back at him before disappearing into his bedroom. He quickly got out of his wet clothes, throwing them in a corner before digging in his closet to find something warm but proper. Then he took a look in the mirror and tried to fix his curls the slightest bit.

‘This’ll do,’ he muttered to himself and made his back to the kitchen again.

The water had boiled in the meantime and Wilhelm was flipping through one of his books. He looked up when he came back in. Simon quickly readied the tea and sat down at the table as well.

‘I see you’ve found my study books?’ He opened the conversation, arching his eyebrow questioningly.

Wilhelm nodded. ‘What do you study?’

Simon dived into a short summary of his wobbly study traject before asking Wilhelm the same question.

Wilhelm, or Wille, as he was called by his friends, as Simon came to know, was in his last year of his psychology studies. He had only one assignment left and a thesis to write and then he was finished. He’d already gotten a job offer at one of the best medical centers in Sweden where he had been an intern last year, so he could just focus on finishing off his studies without worrying about a job.

He used to live on campus as well, but he found it too overwhelming from time to time, which he tried to hide by saying he just grew out of living there. His parents were rich enough that they payed his rent and although he was mildly enthusiast about that, he let them.

The air between them was light, conversation came and went and Simon felt himself really at ease with Wille in his apartment. When they had finished their teas, the water outside had stopped pouring as well and Wille sat up a little bit straighter, readying himself to leave.

‘Uh, well, thanks for the tea…’ Wille said, leaving his sentence unfinished.

‘No problem, anytime actually,’ Simon smiled at him, hoping to calm his own nerves as well as those from the boy across from him.

‘I would love to,’ he answered, pushing his hair back and getting up from his chair, making his way to the hallway but not before shooting Simon another smile.

Simon watched him put his coat back on and let him to the doorway.

‘Maybe we—‘

‘Do you want to—‘

Wille chuckled and it was a sound Simon started to like a little bit too much too fast.

‘You go first,’ Simon said, flicking his eyes down so Wilhelm hopefully couldn’t see the blush appearing on his cheeks.

‘I was thinking that maybe I could get your number? So we don’t have to meet up every time while sheltering from the rain, you know.’

‘Yeah, that would be nice actually.’

He watched how Wille got his phone out of his pocket and added his number to his contact. After that, they said their goodbyes, promising to see each other soon.

Simons evening went on as normal, but his stomach kept summersaulting and he checked his phone way too often for just a normal evening. His assignment wasn’t distracting him from his own head and eventually he gave up on it. Just as he started to doubt his decision of inviting Wille and thinking it could actually get somewhere, his phone pinged.

Unknown number: [21:53]

Hej

Next meet-up when the sun shines?

Might be bad luck otherwise

This is Wille by the way

As if he expected any other texts by an unknown number that night. He chuckled to himself before responding.

Simon: [21:55]

hii

yeah definitely, not really wanting bad luck tbh

He saved the number as ‘Wille’ and closed his phone for the night, content.

——

‘Shit.’

Simons shift at the coffeeshop had only just begun, but he had already managed to break a mug and spill hot milk over the counter two times today. This really shouldn’t surprise him though, as he was clearly not thinking straight. Was he ever?

‘Where’s your head at, Simme?’ Ayub asked him, throwing him a dishcloth to clean the spilled milk. Simon caught it, feeling his cheeks turn red before he started to clean up the mess he made.

‘I don’t know, just a lot to think about this week.’

‘We should hang out again soon, with Rosh,’ Ayub said, observing how Simon cleaned the counter thoroughly. ‘We used to do that a lot more and I miss it.’

He sighed, wringing out the cloth above the sink. ‘Yeah, me too, we should plan something without our busy lives getting in the way.’

He watched how Ayub nodded before making his way over to the counter, shifting his attention from him to a customer. Simon wrought to towel out one last time and then exited to the back to take it to the laundry pile. He definitely should focus on his work.

Luckily for him, the rest of the afternoon was really busy and he hadn’t more time to think about assignments or anything else. The hours flew by and thank god, he didn’t spill or broke anything else.

The shop he worked at had always been a student packed coffee shop on the other side of campus. Simon used to go there a lot and he didn’t need a lot of time to think when he saw the vacancy of them looking for employees. The shop had an industrial vibe with vintage chairs and tables, scattered almost messily through it. Plants hung everywhere and even though it was often busy, there were a lot of tables which offered a somewhat quiet working ambience.

Often enough, people came around who he either vaguely knew or very well, and today wasn’t that different. Just before his shift ended, he was cleaning up already, a familiar coat showed up through the door, revealing his sister with one of her friends, clearly discussing something.

‘Simon,’ Sara started off, without even greeting him first, ‘Felice thinks her party will suck because she doesn’t have a theme like many have these day, but please tell her you agree with me that it isn’t gonna suck?’

Simon thought quickly before deciding that he certainly didn’t want to have his sister against him in yet another discussion and nodded in agreement while turning to Felice.

‘It’s really not about the theme, and besides, all your parties have been great so far?’

He had been to almost all of them since his group of friends overlapped with his sisters to some extend. She knew Ayub and Rosh quite well thanks to all the game slash movie nights at their house and Felice had come over for dinner regularly.

Felice looked at him, clearly still in doubt. ‘You don’t think it’s boring?’

‘Definitely not, just make sure the music is good,’ he laughed. ‘Can I get you guys anything?’

He took their orders, making them take-away and they moved a bit to the corner of the counter, Sara not yet done convincing Felice. He busied himself with their coffees while zoning out a bit, not actually interested in parties that much. It was fun, until everyone got drunk. He had seen enough drunk people in his life.

‘Here you go,’ he said, putting the two hot cups in front of them.

‘Thanks, Simon,’ Felice said, instantly warming her hands on hers. ‘You should come, by the way. To my party.’

Simon swallowed a sigh but his sisters pleading look made him agree and they arranged that Ayub and Rosh could come over too, if they wanted to come. They chatted for a bit longer, his workday was almost to an end anyways and besides a few cramming students behind their laptops, the shop was almost empty.

Nevertheless, after a few more minutes, the door opened again, bringing a cold rush of air inside before quickly being closed again. Simon was just cleaning one of the machines while talking to Sara when he heard Felice exclaim a name that had been going through his head over and over the past few days.

‘Wille!’

Simon almost dropped the towel he was using, receiving a weird look from Sara in the process before peeking around the machine.

And there he stood. Wille. Blue coat, hair slightly in his eyes and the same friendly smile as earlier this week. Oh, he was definitely fucked.

‘Hej, Felice,’ he heard him say, slightly muffled due to embracing her.

‘Are you coming to my party on Saturday?’ Felice asked instantly, now fully convinced that it was going to be fine. ‘Sara and Simon here are coming too and they said it’s gonna be fun.’

Sara quickly introduced herself and made space for Simon to do the same, but as soon as their eyes locked, he couldn’t do anything else then awkwardly wave. Willes smile widened a little when he saw him and Simon tried not to blush under both the smile and the confused faces of Felice and Sara.

‘As long as it isn’t raining, I’ll be there,’ Wille said and Simon almost snorted.

‘Uh, okay… See you there then.’

Felice looked questioningly between him and Wille, who was trying not to laugh out loud. Her eyes tightened the slightest bit before she looked to Sara, who looked back with almost the same confusion. But before Sara could open her mouth, Felice grabbed her arm and whispered an urgent ‘lets go’.

‘I’ll text you,’ Sara said, emphasizing every word before being hauled out of the shop by Felice, who clearly saw the signs and took action on them. Simon gave his sister thirty minutes to start texting him excessively for all the details.

‘So, what does your weather app say for upcoming Saturday?’

Wilhelm chuckled in response but didn’t answer, asking a question instead. ‘Are you gonna be there?’

Simon nodded.

‘Felices parties are the only bearable parties and my sister is gonna kill me if I won’t be there, so yeah. Are you?’

‘I guess I am now…’

The silence dragged on and Simon felt his cheeks get more and more hot the longer it took. To give himself something to do, he started fumbling with the towel he was still holding.

‘Do you want anything, by the way?’ he asked, stepping back into his role as employee, hoping Wille didn’t notice how flustered he was.

‘Oh yeah, sure,’ Wille moved his eyes from him towards the screen behind him and Simon could breathe again. He quickly moved away to start up the machine before taking Willes order, which turned out to be a small hazelnut cappuccino.

He payed and hesitated for a bit before speaking up one last time.

‘So, see you on Saturday?’

‘Definitely.’

After Simon waved him off, he returned to his cleaning, trying to keep his mind to the tasks instead of what the hell just happened. Ayubs prying didn’t help either, even though he had only heard half of the conversations. After double-checking everything was tidy, he untied his apron and escaped to the back to get his coat. He put it on and a grin spread on his face. He for once couldn’t wait till tomorrow evening.

Notes:

hope you liked the first chapter!! more will come soon, but in the meantime, don't hesitate to let me know your thoughts in the comments or on twitter: @softwilmcn

Chapter 2: the party

Summary:

‘Tell me you’re not this early because you were were anxious about seeing Wilhelm again?’ Ayub asked as soon as he stepped over the threshold.

Simons eyes widened, turning around to face him.

‘How do you even know?’

Notes:

Chapter two is here! Thank you so much for all the love I received on the first chapter, it means the world to me!! Now, time for Wille and Simon to get to know each other a little better...

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

When Simon arrived home, he wasn’t too surprised to find his phone spammed with eight missed texts from Sara. Something between a chuckle and a sigh escaped him before he plopped down on a chair and opened the messages.

Sara: [17:31]
Simon

!!!!!!

Why don’t you ever tell anything???

Wilhelm??

How do you even know him??

And how have you guys never met before I mean?? You both know Felice??

Oh you will so be there Saturday night

Text me back asap!!!!!

Simon: [18:14]
saraaaa please

we bumped into each other

well, i bumped into him actually

Sara: [18:15]
Lmaoooo you did what

Simon: [18:15]
SHUT UP

he was sheltering from the rain and i didn’t see him okay

but then it happened again and i invited him over

Sara: [18:16]
You did what again???

Omg Simme!!

Simon: [18:16]
STOP

Sara: [18:16]
Oh this party is going to be good

Simon: [18:16]
SARA

Sara: [18:17]
:))))

He loved to banter with his sister like this. From a young age on, they’ve had a strong bond. Although Simon was the younger one, he had always been very protective over Sara, but the older they had gotten, the more their relationship had balanced out.

Even though they didn’t live together anymore, their contact was steady and they’d only need a few sentences to know what was going on in the others life.

Mulling over saturday, he ate his dinner, already planning his outfit, which he never actually did before. But this time, everything just felt different and he was ready to give in to that feeling.

Just as he was doing the dishes, his phone went off again and he just knew it was Wille this time. He managed not to look for five whole minutes before his curiosity won and he opened the message with his soapy hands, almost dropping it in the sink when he read it.

Wille: [18:51]
Bad news

Simon: [18:56]
???

Wille: [18:56]
It is gonna rain on Saturday

Simon: [18:56]
you scared me for a sec???

but is it really gonna stop you tho

Wille: [18:57]
Oh definitely not

Did you finish work okay?

I really liked the coffee :) can’t believe I never went there before

Simon: [18:57]
oof you missed out big time

but you’re there tomorrow?

He quickly dried off his hands, waiting for Wille to respond and hoping he wasn’t being too eager.

Wille: [18:58]
Absolutely, don’t worry about it :)

He spent the rest of his evening writing on his creative writing essay, not really making any progress as his head was preoccupied with tomorrows party. Instead, he just did some editing and read a few parts over so, making sure all errors were corrected.

He also kept checking his phone, even though the conversation was clearly finished between them. He still hoped to receive a new text from Wille. Of course, it didn’t happen and he couldn’t think of anything to text him, so his phone stayed quiet until eventually he went to bed.

 

His Saturday went about the same, only he had an early shift till 13:00. After work, he found himself getting ready way too early, and decided to just go to Ayubs place already. Of the three of them, he lived the closest to Felice and it was more than logical to meet at his place.

‘Tell me you’re not this early because you were were anxious about seeing Wilhelm again?’ Ayub asked as soon as he stepped over the threshold.

Simons eyes widened, turning around to face him.

‘How do you even know?’

‘Nothing stays a secret for me, even though you tried to yesterday,’ Ayub laughed, making his way into the living room.

‘What the fuck?’

‘Okay, okay, calm down, I texted Felice asking if we should bring anything and she told me to bring you so here we are.’

‘I can’t believe you guys,’ Simon said, plopping down on the black leathered couch.

The living room looked just like what you’d expected from a college graduate. It had only what it needed and nothing more. So basically that was a table, a couch and a television and that was about it. The walls were almost empty besides from one poster of Ayubs favorite band and there was a dead plant in the corner of the window sill.

They filled the time with small talk until Rosh called, waiting outside for them to join her. The walk was short and cold, but at least it was dry. They walked fast enough to keep warm and were at the same time being filled in to Roshs new fling, a girl she had met on her exchange who didn’t live too far away.

‘Guuuuys,’ Ayub moaned, ‘we need to find me someone too, I don’t want to end up alone when the both of you are dating.’

‘Wait, the both to us?’ Rosh turned to Simon, face turning from confusion into exasperation. ‘Why do you never tell me anything?’

‘You were talking about your date?’ Simon countered. ‘Besides, I kind of already told you…’

‘Wait… Rain boy?’

‘Rosh!’ Simon shouted while Ayub howled with laughter. He punched Rosh on her arm trying to ignore his other friend who was slowly recovering, now whispering ‘rain boy’ a few times under his breath.

‘I’m not talking to you anymore,’ he stated, trying to hide his smile by facing Ayub who was wiping away his tears.

‘Good luck surviving the party on your own then.’

 

Felices house was big. Not just big, it was huge. She was one of those girls with rich, always abroad parents and for Simon she was the proof that not all rich people were obnoxious wretches. They made it just before the rain started pouring again and were welcomed by Felice herself, with Maddie and Sara right behind her.

‘Hej, so happy to see y’all!’ Felice said before pulling Simon into a hug while Sara walked over to Ayub and Rosh, catching up with them quickly before walking them into the house.

‘He’s already inside,’ Felice winked at him and he ducked his head while walking past her, trying to avoid her seeing the light blush creeping up on his cheeks.

The hallway was already full of coats and although they weren’t that late, the party seemed to have already started. He searched for an empty spot to put his before deciding that the stair banister would function just fine.

He strode off in the direction of the kitchen, thinking he might as well get himself a drink before finding Wilhelm. He professionally avoided the many bottles of alcoholic beverages that were stalled out on the counter and made his way to the fridge, pouring himself a soda.

‘Rain boy is near the couches at the back,’ a voice from behind told him and he didn’t have to turn around to know that it was his sister. A loud groan escaped him before he turned around.

Sara was dressed in a tight fitting dress and her hair was clearly done by Felice, sporting two clips on each side of her head. In her hand was a cup as well.

‘Please tell me why you’re gossiping with my friends again?’

‘It was you who always told me I was welcome to hang out with you and them,’ she answered, grinning proudly and Simon groaned again.

‘But thanks, I’ll go find him so you guys at least leave me alone.’

He made to walk past her before the smell of alcohol hit his face, unmistakably coming from her cup.

‘Are you— drinking?’ He turned to face her, but Sara avoided his eyes.

‘Why the hell—‘

‘A few drinks every now and then don’t make me an alcoholic, Simon,’ she interrupted before he could say any more. ‘Will you for once let it go?!’

Simon felt his face heat before he pulled his sleeves over his hands, glancing once more between the cup and his sisters face before speaking up again.

‘Just be careful, okay?’

‘You know me,’ she smiled at him.

‘Exactly,’ he answered before leaving the kitchen.

 

The living room was spacious. There was a long table in the back, filled with empty cups already. On the other side, near the big window that looked out on a lake, people were staying close together, swaying and chatting with each other. The couch and chair were moved to the walls to make a small dance floor, accompanied with a big speaker and some beanbags.

Felices parties were the only ones Simon actually enjoyed. They weren’t too crowded and the more often he went, the more faces he recognized. He made some small talk with a few people he knew from his time living on campus and just as he was rounding up a conversation with someone who was droning on about whether dogs should be allowed in rental apartments or not, his eyes locked with someone over the shoulder of the person he was talking to.

He must have looked somewhat desperate to get out of the endless small talk, because Wille instantly walked up to him, greeting him as if they hadn’t only seen each other twice while being sopping wet.

‘Hej, good to see you,’ Wille casually interrupted, a smile playing on his lips when he looked at Simon.

Wille was wearing a short-sleeved shirt and sweater vest with casual dress pants. He had a plastic cup in his hand and somehow looked exactly right for a party like this. Simon tried very hard not to get too distracted and muttered an excuse to the person he was originally talking to.

‘Hej,’ he greeted, ‘good to see you too, wanna sit down?

Wille nodded and before he knew it, his hand landed on Simons elbow and he was guided through the space towards the sitting area. It was clear that he knew Felices house a lot better than Simon did and he was really glad that he was saving him from more awkward encounters with old uni friends.

They ended up in the more improvised lounge corner, with the sofa and a few beanbags. They instantly sat down on one of them and fell into conversation, finally getting to know each other properly, although it felt like they had known each other for years. He wouldn’t admit it afterwards, but he liked how thoughtful Wille was while at the same time that could totally disappear with one joke that made his eyes light up like stars in a cloudless night.

It had gotten dark outside over the time they had spent on the couch and the big window was now shimmering with raindrops.
The lights inside threw shadows through the living room and Willes hair was lit up with dark and lighter strokes of ash blonde hair. His eyes shone when he looked around him, as if suddenly aware that there was an actual party going on around him.

‘So,’ Simon said, ‘it’s raining but yet here we are.’

‘Yeah, but it’s nice to see you not completely soaked for once,’ Wille responded quickly, a smile spreading on his lips.

‘Same goes for you,’ Simon smiled back. Behind Wille he saw Ayub and Rosh sneak a glance at them every so often and Simon couldn’t help but smile at both their curiosity and their ability to always look out for him, as he looked out for them as well.

‘I can’t believe we’ve never actually met before, by the way,’ Simon said, now having learned that Willes friendship with Felice had been going on for quite some time.

Wille nodded, although he seemed a little taken aback.

‘I skipped a whole lot of her parties lately. This is one of the first big ones I’ve been to in a while.’

‘Hm, it’s not my favorite way to spend a night either, but Sara and Felice always get me to join,’ he said, dropping the subject after that since he noticed that it made Wille slightly uncomfortable for some reason.

‘Can I get you another drink?’ Simon asked then, noticing that both their cups were empty by now, although he couldn’t tell how much time had passed. Judging by the amount of empty bottles and people on the dance floor quite some.

‘Sure, thanks.’

Wille had become a bit more quiet and a tad restless over the past few minutes and Simon made sure to make his way to the kitchen quickly.

He pushed himself through the dancing bodies, trying to ignore the, in his opinion, disgusting smell of alcohol, occasionally pushing someone off of him before entering a relatively quiet kitchen. He filled their cups again and shuffled back, only to be met with an empty couch.

Oh.

Had he freaked him out by asking too many questions? He had seemed a little more on edge right before he left to get some drinks, but Simon hadn’t expected to come back to an empty couch. He quickly put their drinks down on a side table and got his phone out his pocket, instantly feeling better when seeing he had a text from Wille.

Wille: [23:13]
Went outside to get some air, meet me there?

 

It was way too cold outside without his jacket, but Simon couldn’t find it in the mess that was the hallway so he decided to just go for it. He shivered as soon as the cold air hit him, he was only wearing a casual long-sleeved t-shirt, and fumbled his phone back in his pocket while walking without having answered the text.

The sounds from inside escaped into the silent night when he opened the door to sneak outside, but after closing it, the silence was only interrupted by his own approaching footsteps.

The smell of rain lingered in the air, clamping to the wet leaves on the ground and the clouds in the sky seemed to threaten them with more of it soon. Carefully but loud enough not to startle Wille with his sudden presence, he walked up to the bench.

Simon sat down besides him, the bench being miraculously dry thanks to the big tree next to it and shoved his hands in his pockets to shield them from the biting wind.

‘Hej, Wille,’ he softly nudged against he other boys shoulder.

‘You okay?’

He only got a shrug in response, Willes hair falling into his face as he did so, shielding his eyes from Simon.

‘Just needed to get some air, it was getting a bit too crowded for me.’

The sentence seemed a bit rehearsed, as if he had said it a thousand times before, but Simon decided not to push him.

‘We can leave if you want to?’ Simon said, quickly catching up on the fact that Wille certainly did not want to talk about it since he resumed staring out over the lake.

‘I don’t want to ruin your night—’

‘Believe me, you’re not, better to get out of here before everyone gets properly drunk.’

He pulled a face that made Wille chuckle sadly before he agreed and got up from the bench.

‘Want me to grab your coat?’

This time, Wille did look up, meeting his eyes. He nodded thankfully, wrapping his arms around himself while muttering a thank you.

He made his way back inside, finding his friends on some of the couches and told them he and Wille were going to take a walk, ignoring the suggestive glances they shot to each other before turning around, heading back outside.

He found Wille in the exact same spot he had left him in, gladly taking his long blue coat from him.

‘Can we please go somewhere warm?’ he asked, pulling his checkered scarf a little tighter around his neck.

 

The promised rain came down on them in the form of a slight drizzle and it whipped in their faces every time they rounded a corner, making them stutter over the short sentences that were spoken until they gave up on the talking and resumed walking quietly.

For some reason, the silence between them wasn’t awkward. He side-eyed Wille from time to time and came more and more to the conclusion that getting out of that party was the right decision. And as for him, it was nice not to be the only sober one who had to deal with his friends when the party would’ve ended.

They ended up in little diner just around the corner of Simons street. It wasn’t anything special and they were out of pizza already, but the place was warm and the drinks even more so. He quickly wrapped his hands around his, wondering how Wille wasn’t as cold as he was right now.

‘Sorry again for all this,’ Wille waved his hand around as if to point his problems out in the surroundings. ‘It happens sometimes…’

He took a probably steaming hot sip of his drink in order not to say anything else, so Simon decided to speak up instead.

‘Again, it doesn’t matter, don’t worry about it,’ he smiled at him. ‘You also don’t owe me an explanation or something.’

He locked their eyes, reaching out over the table before he could chicken out and laid his hand on Willes. Although it had been wrapped around his cup for a while now, it was still cold, but he didn’t startle.

‘Just wear a coat next time?’

Wille chuckled and nodded and Simons nerves disappeared the slightest bit. This couldn’t be platonic, right? He withdrew his hand to wrap it around his drink again and looked down, trying not to think of this as too much. What did he actually know about the boy across from him? For all he knew he was straight as hell.

The easy conversation from earlier that evening came back and Wille seemed to relax more and more. Before they knew it, they found themselves being kicked out of the shop because of closing time. While making their way home, it turned out Wille lived indeed in one of the apartments across from Simon, that’s why he had been sheltering so close Simons last week.

Just as it was time to part ways, Simon had mustered up the courage to ask Wille what he had wanted to ask for the whole night.

‘Do you wanna—‘

‘We can go—‘

Simon smirked. ‘You go first again.’

‘I wanted to ask if you maybe wanted to get that pizza another time? I promise I won’t run away then.’

Simon felt his cheeks get hot despite the persistent drizzle cooling them and nodded.

‘That’s what I was about to ask you,’ he said, ‘so yes, when are you free?’

They set their date, which was how Simon was secretly calling it already, for upcoming Tuesday and split their ways, soaked by the rain again. Tuesday couldn’t come soon enough.

Notes:

Comments mean the world, so do leave one if you have the time!! Also, add me on twitter if you want to: @softwilmcn

Chapter 3: pizza date

Summary:

Wille turned his gaze back to Felice, who was observing him, eyes sparkling.

‘You like him,’ she stated, smile widening.

‘I don’t,’ Wille responded just a bit too fast but he couldn’t keep his cheeks from flushing.

‘Yes, you do.’

‘FELICE!’

Notes:

Thank you all so much for the love I have been receiving on the story so far!! I've decided to post like every five days, but it'll depend on my personal schedule, so it might be a day later or earlier sometimes. But anyways, we're diving into Willes pov with this third chapter! Let's see what's on his mind...

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

It took Wilhelm all Saturday to ease away his anxiety about how he had reacted at he party and what Simon must think of him now. He had really enjoyed the time they had spent together, but the whole party vibe had gotten under his skin, especially when it had turned up in their conversation as well.

But he had liked it, just the two of them drinking their hot beverages in the small dinner, talking, Simon easing his mind and the way the soft touch of his hand on his had lasted until he went to bed. He really liked him. As scary as that was to admit. People he liked tended to leave him a bit too early.

He spent his weekend writing in his journal like his therapist had advised him to do when his mind was living its own life and he made sure to give proper words to every feeling so they could talk about it on Thursday.

On Sunday, when he felt rested and clear minded again, he did his reading to prepare the chapter he was going to add on his thesis and was only interrupted every now and then with a text from Simon. Their texting had been ongoing since Friday night and Wille would lie if he’d say he didn’t like the distraction. It was the thing that made him feel a bit more sure that the curly haired boy didn’t hate him for running away.

His phone pinged again and disrupted his reading for the umpteenth time that day, but instead of Simon, it was Felice this time, and she had yet found another reason to scream at him.

Felice: [16:01]
Okay, I gave you your sweet time

But apparently you’re not gonna tell me yourself

WHAT HAPPENED ON FRIDAY?????

He snorted at her exaggerated reaction before pressing the tiny video call button. It went over only one time before she came into view. She was standing in the bathroom, towel on her head and wearing some kind of face mask with a panda print on it.

‘Tell me everything.’

‘Felice…’ Wille groaned, ‘don’t make me relive this night.’

Her eyes went wide. ‘It didn’t go well?’

‘Yes, but no? Yes as in, we had a nice evening but no as in I ran away?’

‘What? Wille, I’m not following.’

He sighed before diving in a detailed description about his night with Simon, how everything went well but then he fucked it up, according to himself and Felice just went on with her routine and let him finish his rant.

‘I’m just scared that I fucked it up before it even started? Also, I don’t even know if he’s into me and maybe I’m just imagining things but we’ve been texting the entire weekend and—‘

‘Wait a second, he’s been texting you?’

‘Yes..?’

Felice clearly repressed a laugh and Wilhelm narrowed his eyes, watching her with suspicion on the screen in front of him.

‘He wouldn’t text you for the whole weekend if you two leaving the party had bothered him so badly. Also, you’re having a date—‘

‘Don’t call it that.’

‘A. Date. On Tuesday. So I think it is safe to say that he’s as into you as you’re into him.’

She looked at him like she always did when she tried to reassure him of certain things and it was actually very comforting to have someone who stood one hundred percent behind him.

‘Okay, you might have a point.’

‘I know,’ she said proudly, ‘and I really think he’s good for you, just by seeing how he reacted to this.’

Wille nodded, not really knowing what to say to that.

‘You deserve this, Wille, it’s almost been a year and it everything has been so hard, but it’s time something this nice happens to you, and I really, really hope it’ll turn out well. For the both of you.’

She was right. It had been the hardest year of his life. He looked over his phone to the shelf above his couch, where a snow globe with a frog inside was standing close to a photograph of him and his brother. The brother he had lost almost a year ago. The closer the date came, the more anxious he got, but at least he had Felice and his therapist to support him right now, to prevent the things that happened in the months after his death from happening again.

‘Thanks, Felice,’ he said, hoping the honesty of it would come across.

She smiled at him and after catching up on how the rest of her party had been, they ended the call and Wille was able to finish off his weekend way lighter than it had started on Saturday morning.

——

Wille: [15:52]
Please tell me you have time to join me for coffee?

Wille glanced at the screen of his phone over his stack of books he had laying in front of him. He had send the text almost fifteen minutes ago and since Felices phone was almost glued to her hand, he had expected a response by now. He couldn’t be more ready for a coffee than that he was this Tuesday afternoon, which was convenient since he would pick up Simon from work today for their— date?

To be fair, he didn’t really know what it was. He had thought meeting him once while sheltering was a coincidence, but when it had happened a second time, it turned out to be certainly not. Seeing the curly haired boy again had been more than a pleasant surprise and when he had gone back home after the drink at Simons place, a smug grin had been plastered on his face the rest of the night.

Wille: [16:07]
I need you Felice

I don’t wanna go alone :(

Felice: [16:08]
I’ll come with you

I’m assuming you’re not nervous AT ALL?

Wille: [16:08]
:(

Not going to answer that

Felice: [16:09]
Don’t worry about it

I’ll be there in ten!

Just know that I can’t stay long because I’m having dinner with Sara later

A smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. This was the third time in two weeks Felice and Sara were having dinner together and although he didn’t want to assume things, he certainly saw something shifting between them. He shut the book that he was using for research and started clearing the table and packing his bag, getting himself ready before returning his books to their rightful place. Looking back once more at his table to make sure he hadn’t forgotten anything, he stepped outside, the cold October air hitting him square in the face.

It was only a short walk which he felt himself enjoying after a long day in the library. He felt small rays of autumn sunshine on his face even though the smell of rain was still in the air, probably promising another storm for tonight but it gave him an almost instant desire for his favorite coffee. As soon as the cafe came in sight, he spotted Felice, already waiting for him near the entrance.

The increasing amount of students he saw around her was the exact reason he hadn’t gone here that often. Felice had dragged him every now and then, claiming they had the best coffee of campus, but he never went alone. However, he liked the industrial but cute vibe of it and definitely could see the appeal of studying there with some friends.

‘There you are!’ Felice called out, hugging him quickly before they entered the warm coffee shop.

‘Don’t you dare act like you did last time, I swear I’ll kill you.’

‘So nice to see you too, Wille,’ Felice laughed, before hooking her arm through his and walked them towards an empty table at the right side near the window. She sat down with her back to the counter, giving Wille time to peek around her before sitting down as well. At the coffee machine stood Simon with a frown on his face, clearly struggling with the refilling of the beans.

‘Ayub, will you come over here, this stupid thing is stuck again!’ the boy shouted over his shoulder. From the back, Ayub appeared, by the looks of it the one in charge today.

‘Can’t ever have a peaceful break, can I?’ Ayub shot back, waving Simon out of the way before taking the beans from him and slamming on the machine a few times, apparently doing just what it needed. The sound of rattling beans filled the shop and the scent of coffee became a tad stronger.

Wille turned his gaze back to Felice, who was observing him, eyes sparkling.

‘You like him,’ she stated, smile widening.

‘I don’t,’ Wille responded just a bit too fast but he couldn’t keep his cheeks from flushing.

‘Yes, you do.’

‘FELICE!’

‘Okay, okay, sorry,’ she apologized, still smiling and Wille found himself doing the same. She then started a very complicated story about who hooked up with who at her party and Wille found his gaze wandering through the shop, when suddenly it was caught by the now familiar pair of brown eyes under a mop of soft, curly hair. Well, he assumed it was soft.

They had to stop meeting like this.

Simon smiled at him and ducked his head a little bit before turning his attention back to the next customer. Wilhelm didn’t know how he hadn’t noticed it last time, but Simon looked a little too good in his white t-shirt and apron, hair slightly messed up and carrying out this kind, friendly atmosphere of his.

‘Why are you blushing all of the sudden?’ Felice asked, apparently still paying some kind of attention to him. She quickly looked over her shoulder, Simon having conveniently turned away from them at that moment.

‘You really didn’t pay attention to my super interesting story about Markus and Ade, did you? How about you go over there and get us some coffee?’ she said, not waiting for his answer.

‘Can’t you go get them?’ Wille pouted, getting slightly nervous now Simon had spotted him.

‘Definitely not.’

Wille got up, glaring at Felice for making him do this while knowing he was far too awkward for this.

‘The usual?’

Felice nodded and he made his way over to the counter, trying not to embarrass himself on the way, meeting Simons eyes before he even arrived.

‘Are you always going to stare and then conveniently meet my eyes?’ Simon asked without greeting first, flashing him the same smile as earlier.

‘I guess so, you don’t seem to mind,’ Wille shot back in a rush of courage.

‘Well, can’t say you didn’t give me something to look forward to today,’ Simon said while looking around him, probably trying to work out what their table number was.

Definitely flirting, Wilhelm thought to himself. He quickly ordered the coffees since there were people in line as well and took Simon in while he was busy with the milk. When the two cups where put in front of him, he picked them up and made eye contact again.

‘See you in a bit,’ he said and he almost felt Simons eyes on his back the whole time he walked back.

‘That was the cutest thing I’ve seen in a long time,’ Felice exclaimed as soon as he sat down again.

‘Will you keep it down?’ Wille called out exasperated for the second time this afternoon. He met her eyes, which were shining with happiness and Wille finds himself with that stupid, small, happy grin on his face again.

‘This is gonna be good, Wille,’ she smiled, reaching out to put her hand on his arm. ‘You deserve it.’

He felt a pang of sadness in his chest but he willed it away by taking a sip of his coffee. He didn’t want to think about that now. They sat there sipping their coffees for a bit longer before, around five, Simon appeared from the back, apron taken off and coat in hand.

Felice quickly stood up, clearly wanting to be out of their way.

‘Keep me updated?’

‘I’ll think about it,’ Wille teased at which she just rolled her eyes before hugging him. She said goodbye and made her way to the exit, waving sweetly at Simon on her way out.

Said boy walked up to him while putting on his coat and Wille couldn’t help feeling a little jittery.

‘Hi,’ Simon said when he was within hearing distance, ‘I’m more than ready to get out of here.’

 

‘Do you mind if we go to my place first so I can put on some clothes that don’t smell like coffee?’ Simons asked as they entered their street.

‘Of course not, we can eat at your place as well?’

‘Sure,’ he answered and together they walked the last few meters towards the apartment building. After letting them in, Simon disappeared into what must be the bathroom and Wille sat down on the couch.

The apartment for some reason already felt familiar, even though he had only been there once before. Maybe it was the way he had decorated it, but it just felt home-y and warm. There was a soft, slightly worn couch and the round kitchen table was stacked with study books, but for some reason it didn’t look messy at all. Besides that, there were a lot of pictures of Simon with his friends and family and Wille just thought that the whole place was an amazing reflection of the Simon he got to know so far.

He looked out of the window, just able to see his own apartment from where he was sitting. If they would both be sitting at their tables, they could practically wave at each other. Funny how they had never met before when they lived so close. But truth was, he barely let people come over to his place. He didn’t like the fact that he couldn’t get away if he wanted to, since it was his place. When he visited others, he could always leave when he felt anxious or drained but he couldn’t do that when people were at his place.

His train of thought was interrupted by Simon reentering the living room, looking all freshened up. He searched for his phone before plopping down and the couch next to Wille, sighing deeply.

‘Aah, I haven’t sat down in about five hours,’ he said, leaning his head back against the cushions.

‘Busy day?’

Simon hummed in response before lifting his head and unlocking his phone.

‘Do you know which pizza you want?’

Wille nodded. He had decided on the quattro formaggi for the umpteenth time in his life but he just really liked that one and had decided that there was nothing wrong with ordering it over and over again. He listened to Simon making the call and almost interrupted him then and there when he heard what he was ordering for himself.

‘You can not possibly have just ordered a pizza with pineapple on it,’ Wille said exasperatedly as soon as Simon hung up, observing how he chuckled and gave him a challenging look.

‘Yes, I did and like so many others, you’re missing out.’

‘Nope.’

‘Yes, you are!’

No, I’m not,’ he spluttered. ‘One shouldn’t put fruits on a pizza?’

‘Okay, but have you tried it?’ Simon asked, raising his eyebrows expectantly at him and now it was Willes turn to look away, because in fact, he had never tried it.

‘I—‘

But Simon already interrupted him, pricking right through him.

’See?! You haven’t even bothered to try it and still have an opinion about it,’ Simon called out, shoving him jokingly.

‘But still!’

Wille looked at Simon, smile playing on his lips, waiting for him to bring in another argument.

‘I dare you to try it when it gets here.’

It was either the defiant look on his face or the fact that he had changed in the most cosy clothes Wille had ever seen, because for some reason he agreed.

‘Good, afterwards we’ll discuss it further,’ Simon smirked.

It took about twenty minutes before they came, which was probably because it was a Tuesday and assumingely a calm night for pizza delivery services. They got themselves something to drink before moving to the kitchen table.

‘Okay,’ Simon said, holding a slice of his pizza close to Wille face, ‘now taste it.’

Wille inched back and crinkled his nose in disgust.

‘Do I have to?’

‘Yes, because you apparently have “opinions” about it,’ Simon laughed, holding the slice even closer.

‘I regret coming here,’ Wille said jokingly and chuckled at Simons pout before leaning forwards and biting into the slice. He chewed for a few seconds, pulling his face into an exaggerated thinking look before swallowing.

‘Well?’

‘It was— better than expected.’

‘See?! I told you you were missing out!’ Simon called out triumphantly, taking a content bite of the slice himself and chewed happily on it. Wille laughed and for the first time in a long time, he felt like that smile would stay for a while.

‘I’m still not going to order it for myself though.’

‘You’re insufferable.’

They both laughed and the rest of their shared dinner was filled with small talk, chuckles and stolen glances.

 

‘Do you want some tea to finish off the night?’ Wille asked, while getting up to throw the pizza boxes in the bin. Simon had fallen silent after they moved back to the couch, probably tired from his day at work and he himself felt more and more drained after his day of studying and all the new impressions, but there was no way he was going to leave until Simon kicked him out.

‘Ugh yes, that might warm me up a little.’

He moved through the kitchen as if it was his own. The layout turned out to be almost the same, which wasn’t that surprising because the flats were all build at the same moment and after pulling some random cabinets open, he found everything he needed. He returned from the kitchen with two steaming mugs, handing one of them to Simon, who seemed immune for burning his hands on cups, while setting his own on the small table next to the couch.

‘So, what are your plans for the rest of the week?’

‘Work again, and I really should start with my creative writing essay.’

‘Are you stressed about it?’ Wille asked although Simon didn’t seem to be a very nervous person on the outside.

‘Nah, a bit maybe, but for me it’s about getting started, that always takes a while for some reason.’

Wille nodded. He didn’t really know what creative writing contained, but it sounded difficult enough that one should come up with a whole essay by themselves.

‘I’m really enjoying tonight, by the way,’ he said before he lost his courage, averting his eyes from the other boy shyly.

‘Yeah, me too,’ Simon said, softly knocking their knees together which encouraged Wille to look up again. They fell back into their casual small talk. For some reason they just didn’t run out of conversation, which felt like a miracle since Wille usually was way too awkward to hold a simple dialogue. The only thing that kept interrupting them, was Simons phone, which kept pinging from the kitchen table.

When Simon finally had enough, he got up with a sigh, making his way over to the other side of the room, closing the curtains on his way there. He scanned the texts quickly and although Wille didn’t know who it was, he instantly noticed it made Simon jittery. He fumbled with the hem of his hoodie while his shoulders tensed reading the texts with a small frown which Wille wanted to smooth away.

‘Are you okay?’ Wille asked, not wanting to intrude but also slightly worried about the change of atmosphere.

‘Yes, it’s just my dad.’

‘I can leave if you need to call him or something?’

By the look on Simons face something was going on but he didn’t want to invade his privacy.

‘No, no. I mean— it’s nothing important, don’t worry about it.’

He watched Simon turn his phone on silent before making his way back to couch again, taking place a little closer to him this time, which Wille didn’t mind at all. He felt tense against Willes side and he felt the need to take that tension away. He lifted his arm onto the back of the couch, softly reaching out to touch one of the loose curls from his hair.

He had never been that good with words, although he felt emotions of his own and of others deeply. Instead, Wille always tried to reach out to people with soft touches and just being close to someone. So when he felt Simon sink more and more into him, he tried to make him as comfortable as possible.

And as he had guessed earlier today, the curls were indeed soft. Very soft actually.

‘Do you have work again tomorrow?’ he asked, trying to bring back the easy conversation they had been going on for the whole night. He felt Simon nod against his hand.

‘Yeah, but just the afternoon, otherwise I might have kicked you out already.’

Wille chuckled at that. ‘Need your beauty sleep, don’t you?’

Simon hummed a response, clearly tired but just like him, way too comfortable to move. Wille didn’t know for how long they sat like that. When all the light had disappeared from the sky and the street lanterns had been turned on for a while, he slowly rested his hand on the back of the couch again.

‘I’m gonna go so you can get some sleep before work tomorrow,’ he spoke up, voice low.

‘Simon?’ he whispered when no answer came, and the slightest movement forward gave him a good look at the other boys now sleeping face. A strip of light from the lamppost outside lit up his cheek and jaw and Wille couldn’t help but admire the sight of him.

He felt the skin prickling sensation of fear, fear of falling in love, fear of losing someone, again, but also a spark of excitement deep inside his chest. He let Simons weight press down on him, getting a secure feeling and decided that he could rest his eyes for a bit as well.

Notes:

Comments keep me going <3 thank you for all the love and the next chapter will be up on friday!!

Chapter 4: thunderstorms

Summary:

‘Shit!’

Wille doesn’t know if it is three hours or ten years later, but he wakes up to a clap of thunder, pressure leaving his chest and a loud curse. It takes him a few seconds before he knows where he is and what is happening around him. Confusion takes over but settles as soon as the room is lit up by a flash of lightning. He’s still at Simons place and aforementioned curse had probably escaped the others boys mouth when the thunder had woken them up.

Notes:

I couldn't thank you all enough for all the love and support I'm receiving. It truly means the world to me!! Chapter four is up now and we have quite some things to discover. Things are starting to become more and more interesting for our boys, but maybe also a little bit more complicated? Anyways, enjoy!!

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

‘Shit!’

Wille doesn’t know if it is three hours or ten years later, but he wakes up to a clap of thunder, pressure leaving his chest and a loud curse. It takes him a few seconds before he knows where he is and what is happening around him. Confusion takes over but settles as soon as the room is lit up by a flash of lightning. He’s still at Simons place and aforementioned curse had probably escaped the others boys mouth when the thunder had woken them up.

He pushed himself upright, still slightly disorientated by the whole happening around him before making eye contact with Simon. The curly haired boy was standing on his feet next to the couch, seemingly ready to attack whatever was disrupting his sleep and Wille was relieved to see that he was just as out of it as he himself felt.

‘Simme…’

The abbreviation rolled off his tongue without thinking and he blamed his tired state of mind completely but it did what he wanted it to do. Get Simons attention.

‘Shit,’ Simon breathes, rubbing his eyes as if not believing this was actually happening.

‘I fell asleep, didn’t I?’

Wille nodded and opened his mouth to answer but before he could start another clap of thunder rumbled through the sky and Simon flinched. Another flash cut through the darkness and Wille could see the fear on Simons face clearly now. He wasn’t the biggest fan of storm himself, but the other boy seemed terrified by it.

‘We both did, it’s okay,’ Wille said now only the rain still was hearable, pattering loudly against the window. He was a bit more awake now and he rubbed his neck, sore from the weird angle it had been in.

‘Shit, Wille,’ Simon cursed for the third time, ‘I’m so sorry.’

‘Don’t worry about it, you were tired.’

He eyed the other boy before glancing outside, expecting another clap any moment now.

‘Let me wait for the thunder to be over and I’ll pack my things and run home so you can sleep.’

‘Are you insane?’

Simon sank down next to him on the couch, slouching in the corner with his knees pulled up, looking as sleepy as Wille felt. Wille raised his eyebrows, waiting for him to explain himself.

‘I’m not letting you go out into that storm, what if you’ll die?’

Wille chest clenched a bit when hearing that last word, but the thunder gave him time to gather himself before answering and he saw Simon flinch again.

‘I’m sure it’ll be fine.’

But Simon shook his head sternly. ‘You’re not leaving this place. I can sleep on the couch and you can take my bed.’

‘What?’

‘What?’ Simon said, looking at him as if he didn’t understand what he was missing.

‘You’re not sleeping on the couch in your own house, Simon.’

‘Did you just ‘full name’ me?’

This drew a chuckle out of him but he made sure he kept the stern look inside his eyes so Simon knew he was not backing away from his point.

‘But really, I’m not kicking you out of you own bed,’ Wille repeated pointedly, but not totally convinced.

‘We can also— share the bed. It’s big enough for the both of us without, you know, touching,’ Simon halted, ‘only if you’re comfortable with that of course, otherwise I’ll still take the couch.’

The sky rumbled again and it made Simon curl up a little tighter, looking at him over his knees and all Wille wanted to do is wrap him up in his arms. They looked at each other for a bit too long and he wondered not for the first time if they were about to cross the border between friends and more.

‘Yeah, okay, that’s fine by me.’

‘Lets move then,’ Simon said before getting up and making his way towards the hallway.

By the time Wille entered the bedroom, Simon had already turned on the little lamp on the bedside table and he took a quick look around. The room almost looked the same as his. A big bed filling the room, pushed against the wall and a small nightstand next to other side. Across from it was a wardrobe and that was about it. The room was cold and a shiver ran over Willes sleepy body.

‘Do you want something more comfortable to wear?’

‘As if you have anything my seize, you’re tiny,’ Wille teased, which got him an offended look from the other boy, followed by a chuckle.

‘I’m just gonna ignore that and besides, almost all my hoodies are oversized, but you clearly don’t want them,’ Simon shot back and Wille pouted at him, not liking the idea of not getting some of his warm hoodies.

‘That’s what I thought.’

Simon gave Wille a silencing look before padding to his closet and throwing a big purple hoodie and sweatpants towards him. Wille tried not to let his gaze wander over Simons body when he dressed himself in the same clothes as when Wille had come over the other day. Although Simon might be shorter, his clothes were certainly a bit on the bigger side and they turned out to fit Wille just fine.

He was about to make a comment on the size of the hoodie as he held it up but Simon was too quick.

‘Just put it on, you’re distracting me,’ Simon responded cheekily, before turning around to sit on the edge of the bed, but Wille could swear he saw a small blush on his cheeks.

They took their turns in the bathroom and when Wille came back, Simon had already gotten in to bed, laying on his side with his phone in his hand. Wille crawled in next to him, taking the side to the wall and quickly covered himself in order to get warm again. He wasn’t someone who got cold that quickly, but with the tiredness seeping through him, it got to him.

He yawned and looked how Simon put his phone on the nightstand before switching off the light. It was dark in the room and the only reason he could make out the bump that was Simon, was because of a small chink between the curtains which let through some light from the lamppost.

The rain was softly tapping against the glass, making Wille feel blessed for not being outside. A flash announced more thunder and Simon groaned when it rolled through the sky, pulling the covers a little bit higher.

‘I thought it was over.’

‘Are you— afraid of thunderstorms?’ Wille asked carefully, glancing at the other boy whose face was just peeking out above the blanket right now.

‘I just don’t like loud, unexpected noises…’ he shrugged, saying it like it was no big deal, although Wille could sense there was more to it. But that wasn’t for now. Now was for laying in bed together and getting the fear out of Simons mind.

‘It’s been such a long time since I shared my bed with someone,’ Simon spoke up again and Wille held as still as possible, waiting to see if Simon would continue.

‘The last time was with Oskar, but he turned out to be really shitty, so we broke up, but I do miss it, you know? Having a relationship or just someone in general who’s only for you.’

Wille hummed this time, not knowing if he should interrupt this late night confession or not.

‘I don’t know why I’m telling you this right now, we should probably get some sleep.’

‘I don’t mind and I feel the same, actually,’ Wille said, glad it was dark so Simon couldn’t see how hot his cheeks were burning. ‘But I only had some hookups, mainly because people knew I had money.’

‘Boys shouldn’t always have to pay for the girls, though,’ Simon piped up, all be it a bit careful.

‘There were boys too…’

‘Oh.’

It was probably the softest, most realizing ‘oh’ Wille had ever heard and without really acknowledging it at that moment, the atmosphere between them changed from not knowing what they were to each other to something with the potential to be more than whatever they were right now.

Wille yawned again and this time, Simon followed and he found himself smiling. He answered the lowly whispered ‘good night’ before he himself closed his eyes. Their knees were almost touching and only god knew what would happen in their sleep, but for once, Wille decided not to worry about anything and just let himself enjoy the moment.

——

Simon was laying considerably closer when Wille woke up the next morning. He was laying on his stomach, facing him, just like he had the night before. Wille stretched a bit, carefully not to wake up Simon and was happy to notice that this sore back from the few hours on the couch had disappeared. He didn’t know what time it was, but it wasn’t as if he had anything else to do except write his thesis, so he turned on his side to appreciate the sight of a sleeping Simon.

A bit of sunlight hit the wall across from the bed, pushing away the cold from the night and making the whole room turn golden. During his observations, Wille discovered that Simons curls weren’t as black as they seemed. They were actually mixed with different kind of browns and were at the moment splayed over the pillow and his forehead. He softly reached out, streaking one of them away from where it just hit close to Simons eye and he got a soft sigh in return.

Last nights conversation played again and again in his mind while he laid there waiting for Simon to wake up. Felice was right. This could be good. The thought alone made his stomach flutter and he didn’t quite know if it was a good or bad kind of summersaulting. He bit the inside of his cheek repeatedly until he was interrupted by Simon moving under his hand.

‘Good morning,’ Wille smiled drowsily at him when Simon slowly opened one of his eyes, and he looked even more adorable than he had in the middle of the night.

‘Good morning,’ Simons mumbled, snuggling up against his pillow. ‘Do you know what time it is?’

Wille shook his head and watched Simon turn around to tap his phone, only to sink back on the bed after that. Not too late apparently.

‘The sun is shining again,’ Wille said,

‘Thank god,’ Simon sighed, pulling the covers up to hide the embarrassment that rose on his cheeks and Wille laughed, reaching out to stroke one of the escaped curls again. As a response, Simons stomach growled.

‘Someone needs breakfast,’ Wille said, trying not to laugh when Simon groaned, probably at the idea of leaving the bed. But then he nodded.

‘And I also need a strong coffee, to be honest, otherwise Ayub is going to kill me at work today.’

Despite the plan, neither of them moved.

‘Wille?’

Wille hummed, turning a little bit more towards Simon so he could get a better look at him.

‘Do you think we can do this again? You know, just us having dinner or something?’

He watched how Simon avoided his eyes once he had finished the question and it was the first time Wille saw a hint of insecurity in the other boy.

‘Yeah,’ he brought out, pushing his anxiety away, ‘we definitely can.’

Simon looked up again, smile playing on his lips. They lay there just enjoying each others company while falling in and out of light conversation. Until eventually Simons stomach rumbled again.

‘Okay, I need food,’ Simon said, pushing himself upright and swinging his legs out of bed. ‘Do you want coffee or tea?’

‘Coffee is fine, as long as it isn’t as strong as yours is going to be.’

They both somewhat stumbled their way into the kitchen and Wille watched Simon rummage around, getting their breakfast ready and putting everything on the table, having insisted Wille stayed seated.

‘How is your neck, by the way?’ Simon asked while putting Willes coffee in front of him before returning to the machine to make his own.

‘Much better, so thanks for sharing your bed with me,’ he answered shyly, shuffling to the round table and plopping down on one of its chairs.

‘No problem,’ Simon said softly while sitting down himself across from him.

They ate in almost silence, more than once stealing secrets glances at each other. When only their coffee was left, Simon sighed.

‘God, why do I have to work today?’ he dropped his head in his hands above his mug, ‘I could have stayed at campus. This is a regrettable life choice. Plus afternoon rush is the absolute worst.’

Wille chuckled at the sudden outburst. ‘You’ll be just fine, especially now you know you can wave at me when you get back home.’

‘I really like how you always give me something to look forward to.’

He shrugged. ‘It’s not like I have anything interesting to do today, other than desperately waiting for you to come back, apparently,’ he smirked at Simon, who looked back at him with something close to affection in his eyes. ‘When do you want to meetup again?’

‘I could do Thursday evening?’ Simon said, eyeing him questioningly.

Wille thought about it for a bit, knowing he had therapy on Thursday as well but decided that after the session, he would probably feel fine.

‘Sure,’ he smiled back, watching how Simon stretched with a content smile on his face.

‘Do you mind if I go get a shower? I can’t show up at work looking like this.’

A quick look over the other boy told Wille that whatever he wore, he would definitely think Simon was the most beautiful person he had ever seen, but instead of voicing that thought he nodded and watched Simon get up and disappear inside the bathroom.

In the meantime, Wille put their plates and mugs on the counter and washed the dishes before making his way back to the bedroom the get dressed in the clothes he had worn yesterday.

He could get used to this. He found his feelings towards Simon developing more and more and he could barely believe how at ease he felt with the boy around him. As long as he was in his presence, his head didn’t have the time to mull over stuff and he really liked that. Their talk last night had also given him more confidence and he felt like their flirting had become more and more frequent over the past few hours.

After they were both got ready for the day, Simon led him out of his apartment, locking the door behind him, and together they walked towards the city centre. Wille still had his bag with his laptop on him, so he could return to the library without getting by his apartment first.

‘See you on Thursday then?’ he asked, suddenly unsure if this was really what Simon wanted as well. They stood near the entrance of the library and Wille was about to get inside.

‘Definitely.’

And with that Simon briefly wrapped his arms around him, enveloping him in a hug he could have enjoyed far longer than it lasted.

——

The rest of the Wednesday and Thursday morning went by pretty smoothly and with not much happening other than a lot of reading, writing and studying. He was actually pretty done with it, but he needed to hand in his concept within two weeks and he really wanted to have it finished as much as possible so he could receive proper feedback on it. It was really important for him to do well on it since his future workplace would also like to read it, but for once he was feeling pretty confident about it.

The thing he was feeling less confident about, was himself. He and Simon were texting literally all day and now they knew in which apartment each of them lived, they had a daily little wave at each other. He couldn’t quite describe why he felt anxious about it all. Maybe because it was going too well? Maybe because he felt like he was too much of didn’t deserve it? He couldn’t really place it and hoped to get a bit more insight on in that soon.

He had lost quite some sleep overthinking everything, including the fact that it was less than a week away to Eriks death anniversary and it was just too much. His mom had called him twice already, asking if he would come over and that made him even more nervous, which led to him postponing to answer and his mom getting frustrated.

So when he was on his way to see his therapist, he almost felt relieved. At least he could finally talk to someone, which was really one of the best decisions he had made this year.

His therapist shared a building with many other services like a dentist and a physiotherapist. The waiting rooms, however where labeled and sometimes he felt like people were staring at him while he was sitting there. Especially when she came to get him, he had to pass through half of the building to their room and he hoped people didn’t wonder what mental illness he had.

The room they entered was something close to an attic changed into an office. There were wooden beams and plants and ever since the first time, it has felt secluded and safe and he actually liked being in the room. As his therapist took place behind the desk with a laptop and a computer on it, he hung up his coat and took place on the other side, in a chair.

‘Is there anything you want to share before we start, or should we just talk about your week and see where that gets us?’

She almost always started off a session with this question and it gave Wille the opportunity to slowly build up to something he wanted to say, or dive into a certain subject immediately. This time, he chose to open up at least a little bit, seeing where that would take them.

Wille chewed his lip, thinking about how to verbalize what he felt in an as clear as possible way.

‘There are actually two things,’ he started off. ‘First there’s this boy who I started seeing which I like a lot, but it also makes me feel anxious every now and then and—‘ he swallowed thickly, ‘I’m just really not looking forward to next week…’

His therapist nodded understandingly and the fact that she knew him so well by now made him feel more at ease right now. He didn’t have to say everything out loud, although she did make him sometimes because she thought it was “good” for him, but she would understand it either way.

’Shall we start with the first one?’

Wille nodded and just summarized how they had met and what had happened so far, so she’d have some context. She asked questions every now and then but mostly let him do the talking. When he was finished, he let the silence stretch before coming to his point. The thing that he actually struggled with.

‘It’s just— going too well? I guess?’ he added doubtingly, not really sure how he was going to express this specific feeling to her. ‘I feel like after the partying, the drinking and drugs and the relapses and everything, I just don’t deserve this.’

This time it was her who let the silence stretch and Wille knew that it was tactic by now.

‘I really, really want to enjoy this, but what if I’m too much? He knows nothing about all this yet and I don’t even know where to start? And now next week is coming up and part of me wants to be open about it but the other part wants to hide and isolate myself.’

He was rambling again and he knew she knew it. He took a deep breath before continuing.

‘I just really don’t want to mess this up, but I don’t know how to do that.’

The statement hung in the air, and Wille slumped backwards in his seat, suddenly feeling drained.

‘From what I’m gathering, he likes you for you, so far, but you haven’t really talked about it, is that correct?’ she asked, looking at him expectantly.

‘Yes...’

‘Then do you know what you’re doing right now?’

He couldn’t help but sigh before answering. ‘I’m filling in what he’s thinking instead of talking to him about it.’

‘Exactly,’ she smiled at him, ‘and I know it can be really scary for you, but he sounds safe enough to open up to to me. How would you feel about talking to him?’

‘Afraid,’ he answered honestly, ‘because what if I mess up and this ends?’

He chewed on his lip again before continuing. ‘But I would also be relieved, I think, because I would be a little less anxious and feel more like myself.’

After an approving nod, they started to make a plan, considering all that could go wrong, but also all that could go right and after half an hour, Wille felt considerably lighter than before his session had started.

‘So, what about next week?’ And Willes mood immediately sunk again. He was hoping she had forgotten that point on their to do list, but as usual, she saw right through him.

He shrugged, averting his eyes. ‘I’m just not very looking forward to it.’

‘You said that before and I get that,’ she nodded, ‘what are you afraid of?’

‘That I won’t be able to get out of bed because I remember every single detail from everything that happened,’ he swallowed, ‘and I’m also not really keen on seeing my parents again, but they probably expect me to come over.’

He didn’t really see them often. The death of his brother had made their relationship even more complicated and they always made him feel like a burden. They payed his rent and made sure he had everything he needed, but when it came to emotional support, they had never been available. Which was a big part of the reason why he had ended up here in the first place, a lot of pushing from Felice included.

They talked about his support system, who he could reach out to and how to make people aware that this day was coming up.

‘You can’t expect someone to remember, but you can tell them, and ask if they could keep an eye on you during the week.’

‘No, I don’t want them to worry or to bother them,’ he said dismissively, because he really didn’t want to.

‘But would you want to know if you were them?’

He nodded, knowing she was right, but still not entirely convinced by the idea. They talked some more about that and at the end of the session they had come to the agreement that he would at least tell Felice and then would only go over to his parents if he felt up for it. He left the building feeling a lot better and way less insecure now that he had a plan set out for how to handle to upcoming week.

 

The sky outside was gray, which wasn’t a surprise anymore at this point, but at least it was dry. He took a moment to breathe in the fresh air before deciding to walk back to the city centre instead of taking the bus. He let his thoughts wash over him during his small trip and tried to make his next steps for the plans they had just spoken about as clear as possible, which included talking to Simon.

He wasn’t really sure where to start yet, but he could surely open up the conversation about what they were and how they’d like to continue. It still gave him that jittery feeling down the end of his skull, but he also felt stronger and knew deep down that he could do it. He just had to find the right moment. Because if they would end up together, Simon should know every bit of him, including the worst parts.

His legs brought him to the cafe instead of to the library and instead of making an u-turn away from it, he decided that he could at least get himself a coffee before starting his study session. He quickly went into the small bakery next to it to grab some fresh sandwiches and then entered the shop, immediately spotting Simon in his usual place behind the counter. A second look told him that Ayub was busy with cleaning some tables in the back, which meant that he could definitely steal a bit of Simons time.

Simon spotted him before he had made his way over there and he lifted his hand, waving at the curly haired boy and was pleased to see his smile widen into a less customer-friendly and a more genuine one.

‘Hi,’ he said as soon as he had reached the counter, ‘how’s it going?’

‘Getting busy, but still manageable,’ Simon answered, ‘I didn’t expect you to come over?’

‘I was about to go into the library for a bit of studying and I thought I’d say hi.’

Their smiles grew so big that it was impossible for anyone in their vicinity to ignore them. And if Wille wasn’t sure yet, he was now. He really, really liked this boy.

‘What would you like?’ Simon asked, looking at him expectantly, looking behind him, where people had started to gather now.

‘Anything that is going to make me live through the upcoming hours until you are done with your work.’

Simon chuckled before turning around and prepared the machine and whatever he clearly needed to make Wille the best coffee to survive the rest of the afternoon. He stepped aside and watched Simon work on his coffee while simultaneously observing him making small talk with other customers. Just as he was getting lost in thought again, which often happened after a therapy session, a steaming to-go cup was placed in front of him.

‘Let me know if you like it,’ Simon smiled at him before excusing himself to go back to the ever growing line. With his hand wrapped around the cup, he made his way to the library, facing the whipping wind of late October.

He sat on his usual spot on a long table on the first floor. It was near a big window which he liked because at least he would see a little bit of daylight on long days. It also gave him a perfect view on the entrance, so he could spot Simon easily when he’d come over at the end of the day.

The coffee turned out to be strong, but with a hint of sweetness, something like caramel, he guessed, and Wille liked it a lot. What he liked even more was the small heart that was drawn on the side of the cup and he almost didn’t want to throw it away when he had downed his drink. The smile never left his face even though he was fully focussed on his work.

He kept finding new articles and added quite a big, relevant part to his thesis by the time he got a text from Simon that he was on his way and decided that he was done adding and started rereading some of the paragraphs he had written to check for any errors. He was about halfway through it when he caught sight of Simon from the corner of his eyes.

His head was bowed low and he had buried his hands in his pockets. He seemed to be talking to someone just out of Willes sight and he certainly wasn’t looking as happy as he usually did.

Notes:

Aaaah okay!! Any guesses about who it might be Simon is talking to? Let me know in the comments or on twitter!

Chapter 5: the weather gods

Summary:

‘I said we could meet up but—’ Simon heard himself stutter which gave the man across from him the chance to interrupt.

‘Simon, I’ve missed you, both of you, but Sara won’t answer my texts and for some reason it takes you ages?’ said Micke Eriksson, who was standing just a little bit too close right now.

Notes:

Chapter five is up already, I can barely believe it??
As some of you know from reading my other fics, I like a good amount of angst, and we've finally at that part of the story! But that also means some trigger warnings. This chapter contains mentions of alcohol and drugs abuse, domestic abuse and death of a close one, so be warned.
Other than that, I want to thank you all once again for all the love and support and I hope you'll enjoy this chapter!

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

‘I said we could meet up but—’ Simon heard himself stutter which gave the man across from him the chance to interrupt.

‘Simon, I’ve missed you, both of you, but Sara won’t answer my texts and for some reason it takes you ages?’ said Micke Eriksson, who was standing just a little bit too close right now.

He was wearing joggers with old sneakers underneath it and a blue sweater with ruffled sleeves. For someone who was fresh out of rehab, he still looked like a drunk who hadn’t been taken care of himself. Simons shoulders tensed when he heard that coming from his fathers mouth. If he had really cared so much, then why hadn’t he shown that before?

Their relationship had been difficult ever since the first time his dad had hit Sara. The rage Simon had felt at that moment was something someone at the age of ten should never feel. He had screamed and clawed at his dad, trying to get Sara out of his reach and from that moment on, he always made sure to stand in front of her. Which was how he had always ended up in the line of fire.

He had lost count of the many blue spots Micke had given him, most of the time influenced by either alcohol or pills but the most twisted thing was, Simon had always cared. He still did. That’s why, when his dad texted him he got out of rehab, he had responded and he was now standing in front of him. Which was something he certainly hadn’t planned.

‘I told you I’d get back to it…’ he countered, but he knew exactly why he wasn’t answering. He didn’t know what he wanted. He couldn’t forgive his father for what he had done to them. But didn’t he deserve another chance?

Sara had always stood totally different in this, persistently refusing to ever see Micke again. She wasn’t a really forgiving type and she had to comfort Simon more than once when he had done exactly what she wouldn’t do. Despite being totally different on this, they managed to see each others side of the story every time it happened and Simon really appreciated that about their relationship.

‘Can we please do this another time? Someone is waiting for me and I should get to him,’ he said, trying to convince his dad to let him go without making him upset. He slightly ducked his head, a habit he had to prepare himself for whatever was coming when he went against him, but nothing came and he looked up again.

‘Okay,’ came the oneworded response and without taking a look back, his father turned on his heels and walked away. A trembling breath escaped Simon lips before he entered the library, almost instantly making eye contact with a very worried Wille looking down on him from the first floor. Great. Just what he needed.

He made his way upstairs, mentally bracing himself for the possible questions but he couldn’t help but feel his stomach flutter slightly when he neared Willes table. His hair was slightly tousled from the combing he had probably done while studying and he was wearing a warm sweater which looked cosy and made Simon feel a little warm inside. Despite the whole encounter outside, he couldn’t help but feel happy.

‘Hi,’ he said, softly touching Willes shoulder before plopping down in the chair next to him. He saw him observing his features for a second before responding.

‘Hej, are you okay?’

‘Yeah, don’t worry about it.’

But that sentence didn’t make the worried expression vanish from Willes face.

Maybe his dad had stayed out of his line of view, but the next thing Wille said showed that he definitely hadn’t and it wasn’t weird that Wille had some questions.

‘Was that… your father?’ Wille asked carefully, as if knowing he asked something that could lead to a very unpleasant conversation.

Simon nodded, trying to keep his hands still instead of fumbling with the hem of his jacket. He sighed before sensing that he needed to give Wilhelm at least something so he wouldn’t be worried. Simon hated when people worried about him, especially since it wasn’t necessary.

‘Lets just say, my dad was a bit of a drunk and he did a lot of shitty partying and then stuff escalated at home and he left,’ Simon explained curtly, building up a wall so high Wille hopefully could understand that he shouldn’t ask any further. He gave in to the urge and tugged his sleeves over his hands, something he always did when he felt uncomfortable.

‘He just came out of rehab and texted me a few times but I’m wasn’t sure if I want to see him. And then he just showed up and— I don’t know, I don’t really want to talk about it,’ he halted, not really knowing where he was going with this either but he sensed Wille was taken aback by his sudden harshness.

‘It’s just,’ he continued, a bit softer this time, ‘he shouldn’t have bothered us with his unhealthy coping mechanisms. I really hate what he has done to me and my sister and mother.’

The other boy boy was chewing his lip now, eyes observing him as if to see if there was more coming, but there was also another emotion Simon couldn’t quite place. Something like defeat. But he didn’t want to talk any more about this, so he quickly changed subjects.

‘How did your study session go?’ he asked, trying to relax his stance while watching as Wille started to pack his stuff into his black shoulder bag.

’It went well enough, managed to finish my chapter and wrote some new paragraphs as well,’ Wilhelm smiled tightly at him and Simon realized that his coldness had made him draw away from him. He was clearly on edge and that was something Simon hadn’t seen before, besides right after the party. He had to make things right.

He kept to his own as Wille put his books back on the shelves, somehow perfectly remembering where he had gotten them from and after that, they made their way outside. Thoughts tumbled over each other and he tried to figure out how to get the conversation started again, but nothing came to his mind. He observed Wille from the side, but there was nothing to read there, so he decided to just apologize.

‘I’m sorry about earlier,’ he offered, breaking the silence that had fallen over them during the walk, ‘I didn’t mean to take it out on you or make you uncomfortable.’

‘You didn’t, I asked, remember? So don’t worry about it.’

Something close to sadness crossed Willes face and Simon reached out to intertwine their fingers in-between them, swinging the back and fro slowly. A few days ago, he’d have considered this a bold move, but the way they had grown closer over the past week had given him courage.

Wille seemed to relax at the contact and the mood lightened a little. They had decided on cooking tonight and had agreed on a pasta, staying in the Italian vibe. The supermarket was conveniently located halfway on the way to their street. It wasn’t that big, but it had everything they usually needed.

Wille turned out to have strong opinions on what to use and what not and as Simon honestly didn’t care that much, he just followed him around, trailing him with their shopping basket and watching Wille examine vegetables and expire dates.

He seemed a bit tired today, the skin under his eyes being a bit darker and he was more retired with himself than usually. Simon found himself wanting to reach out. Even more than he normally.

‘I thought I was the one who did the staring?’ Wille interrupted him suddenly, and a tiny smile lit up his face.

‘I just—,’ he stuttered in return, but Wille jokingly bumped his shoulder into his.

‘Do you think we’ve got everything?’

Simon looked down at their basket and nodded. He really hadn’t been paying attention though. He started to walk towards the self scan checkout with Wille next to him, bowed over their groceries.

‘Wait,’ Wille pulled Simon on his sleeve to halt him, ‘we forgot the sauce.’

‘Oh yeah, I usually just put ketchup on it,’ he shrugged.

‘You what?’ Wille exclaimed, an unbelieving look in his eyes.

‘It’s good.’

‘No, Simon, I’m not doing another food discussion with you.’

‘Not the full name thing again, and you’re once again missing out.’

‘Nope.’

‘Yes, you are!’

‘Okay,’ Wille interrupted, ‘then maybe I am, but I’m definitely not going to try that, so we’re going to get proper sauce right now.’

And with that, Simon felt himself getting dragged towards the right aisle. And of course, he let him.

They double checked if they really got everything this time, paid and just as he walked through the exit, he felt the drops on his face and stopped dead in his tracks, feeling Wille bump into him from behind.

‘What is it?’

‘Not this again,’ Simon groaned, ‘I’m so so done with this.’

He stepped aside to show the boy behind him to see what he does and the misery he felt reflected on Willes face as well. It was raining. Again.

‘Maybe this whole things between us is just not meant to be. The weather gods are clearly not approving.’

Simon turned his head so fast his neck almost snapped only to see a joking smile on Willes face and he hit his arm playfully in response.

‘You can’t be like that,’ Simon exclaimed, drawing the chuckle out of the other boy he not so secretly loved.

‘I hate you.’

‘No, you don’t.’

He slapped Wille again before stepping into the rain, accepting his loss. There was no time for holding hands as they were hurrying towards Simons apartment, trying their best to keep the groceries at least a little bit dry. The only pause they took was in Simons hallway, where they looked down on their soaked clothes, feeling sorry for themselves.

‘Do you want dry clothes? I still have the ones you wore the other day laying around in my bedroom.’

Wille nodded thankfully and Simon let him into the bedroom while he went to the bathroom to fetch them some towels for their hair. When he returned, he noticed Wille looking even smaller than the last time he had worn Simons clothes and for some reason, that was both cute and worrisome.

The cheekiness from the supermarket seemed to be washed away with the rain as well and there was something gloomy surrounding Wille. As he turned his back to him to hang put his wet coat over the radiator, Simon walked up to him, wrapping his arms around the other boy from behind.

He pressed his nose into Willes upper back as his didn’t reach much higher but somehow it felt absolutely right. He felt Wille lean into him slightly before turning around so he could return the hug. His body felt warm against his, despite the cold from outside they had just faced. His head just leaning on his shoulder, nose nuzzling the crook between his ear and neck.

‘What did I do to deserve this?’ he mumbled, lifting his head from Simons shoulder a bit so his words wouldn’t get lost in it.

‘Just felt like you needed it,’ he responded simply, slowly moving backwards. ‘Ready to make dinner?’

Wille nodded and Simon interlinked their fingers, not arguing with the constant need he felt to touch the other boy anymore.

Back the kitchen, he got them both a chopping board and they went to work. Simon was having trouble not getting distracted by the little frown between Willes eyebrows when he was cutting up the vegetables, every now and then streaking his hair out out his eyes, but he managed to not injure himself with the knife he was using for his tomatoes.

Wille?’

The other boy hummed, not looking up.

‘Are you okay?’

He froze and now he did make eye contact with him.

‘Why do you ask?’

Simon thought for a bit before answering, not wanting to make Wille uncomfortable like he apparently did in the library, although he still couldn’t quite place the look that had washed over his face back then.

‘Because you seem a bit off, as if you’re, I don’t know, thinking very hard about something?’

Wille went back to his slicing, and for some reason it seemed like he wasn’t gonna answer the question at all. But Simon noticed him biting the inside of his cheek and had gotten to know that that was mostly a sign that he wanted to speak up, but didn’t know what to say, so Simon stayed quiet. Minutes went by and he had almost forgotten he had asked a question in the first place.

He went over to the sink, refilling his glass and was just taking a sip when Wille spoke up, out of the blue.

‘It’s almost been a year since my brother died.’

From all the thoughts that had crossed Simons mind, this certainly hadn’t and it took him everything not the choke on the sip of water he had just taken.

‘Shit, Wille…’

‘It’s okay.’

‘How is that okay?’ he asked, feeling stupid for sounding so exasperate.

Wille shrugged, averting his eyes and started to search for a frying pan in which he then started to slide the now cut up vegetables.

‘I wanted to tell you anyways,’ he said, turning on the stove.

Simon joined him at the counter again, filling up a pan with water to boil before he would add the pasta to it.

‘You don’t have to if you don’t want to.’

He didn’t want to force Wille into anything. He assumed that talking about his dead brother wasn’t his favorite thing in the world to talk about and he could almost feel the tension radiating of the boy.

‘I know,’ and a soft smile made him feel a little but more at ease.

‘Just let me talk, okay?’

Simon nodded, not daring to open his mouth again.

‘I told you how my parents pay everything right? Well, the thing is, we’re quite rich. I’ve always had everything we needed and so did Erik. We got the things we asked for for our birthdays and holidays and the older we got the more expensive those presents became.’

The vegetables were now spattering in the frying pan and Wille moved to add the rest.

‘While I always got a new phone, or headphones, or whatever, Erik really got into cars, just like my dad. They used to go those days were people who are crazy rich as well showed off their vehicles and bragged about the amount of money they had spent on them. So when he turned 24, he got his own car.’

A pit had started to form in Simons stomach and he had a feeling where this was going. It wasn’t a good feeling.

Since the water was boiling steadily, he grabbed the pasta and measured it, keeping himself busy so he wouldn’t make Wille uncomfortable by staring.

‘My mom and dad weren’t home when it happened. They were on a trip to Switzerland and I was home alone, watching this gay teen show on Netflix when I got a call. Before I knew it, I was in the back of a police car, on my way to the hospital to identify my brother.’

This time, Simon did look up at him.

‘He died instantly,’ Wille continued. ‘The road had been dark and there had been heavy rain that night, so when he had to make way for another car, he hit the muddy, wet shoulder and crashed against a tree. The car that had past him called the hospital and we heard from him that Erik was driving too hard.’

Wilhelm sighed defeatedly. ‘He always was, just like dad.’

‘The thing is, I was supposed to be in the car with him. But I had had a shitty day and wanted to stay in, so he decided to go alone.’ Wille paused, taking another deep breath. ‘For a while, the only thing I wished for was that I had actually been in that car with him.’

Wille had been stirring the contents of the pan for three minutes straight now and Simon moved to softly take the spatula from his hands. That seemed to bring him back to earth and he quickly continued.

‘So then my parents came home as soon as possible and we held a very well-visited funeral for him. After that, life went on but without him, and it just felt off…’

Simon poured off the pasta and put it together with the sauce and vegetables, mixing it while he felt Wille watching his every move.

‘So yeah,’ he broke himself off and it felt like he skipped a big part of the story before he went on. ‘That’s almost a year ago now and it’s been harder on me than I expected, to be honest.’

Wille then let a silence fall and Simon gathered together the only words that came to him at that moment.

’Thank you for telling me.’

Wille shrugged again, but this time he looked up instead of away.

‘It’s okay,’ he frowned, ‘well, it’s not, but it’s getting better.’

There was something else, but Simon just couldn’t quite put his finger on it. But he couldn’t expect Wille to tell him everything and he noticed that this had already been a great deal for him, so he decided not to pry.

‘Is there anything I can do the upcoming days? To make it better or easier or—?’ he asked, and as this was something totally new for him, he hoped he didn’t offend him.

‘I’ll let you know, okay?’ Wille sounded more reserved than Simon was used to from him, but he let it slip. ‘Lets eat?’

They sat down on the usual spots at Simon table and he loved how quickly Wille had become so constant in his life that he even had his own spot. Dinner consisted of Wille talking about the good times he had had with his brother and the relationship he with his parents, which turned out to not be that great the past year, and that was more or less to be expected.

Simon quietly admired the fact how open Wille seemed about this. Yes, there were some gaps and things he kind of skipped, but other than that, he told him a lot. A lot of general things, that is. Because the only thing he couldn’t get an impression about, was how Wille himself had dealt with the whole situation and every time Simon tried to ask about it, he steered away from the question. Eventually, they got up from the table and started doing the dishes.

‘Do you wanna drink anything or are you going to head home?’ Simon asked when they were almost done, leaving it up to Wille since he had a feeling the other boy was actually really tired after this conversation.

‘I’m going to go home, if you don’t mind,’ he answered, insecurity layering his voice.

‘I don’t,’ Simon smiled softly, ‘get some rest, okay?’

‘I’m gonna check if my clothes are dry, be right back,’ Wille said, before making his way to Simons bedroom.

Simon followed quietly, leaning against the doorpost. ‘You can keep mine on, if you want to, I’ll get them back the next time we see each other.’

This was really just his way of saying that Wille looked amazing in his clothes. Although his skin was pale, the purple of the hoodie suited him and the way the joggers were a bit short only added on to the cuteness.

‘Thanks,’ Wille smiled, gathering everything before heading back into the hallway, just slightly brushing past Simon and just as every time Wille was about to leave, Simon felt his stomach flutter. How were they going to say good bye this time?

He watched Wille put on the dark blue coat, wincing when the wetness hit his neck and wrists. He turned towards Simon and then he felt it. It was in the way Wille slowly moved towards him that he knew they weren’t just going to hug. They were going to kiss.

They made eye contact and Simon sought for confirmation, not wanting to force himself onto him. Wille just blinked and the brown eyes flicked to his lips and then back up to his eyes again.

Simon didn’t know who leaned in first, but their lips connected perfectly in the middle and Simon felt his melt against Willes. They were soft and they moved slowly against his and all was well until Wille suddenly broke the kiss, backing away quickly.

‘I, eh, need to get going,’ Wille whispered, chewing the lip that Simon had just kissed and the butterflies in his stomach dropped dead.

‘Shit, I’m sorry, Wille,’ he was speaking so fast his words tumbled over each other. ‘Oh fuck, I messed up, I’m so so sorry.’

‘It’s-, it’s okay, just give me some time? I want to but—’ Wille interrupted pleadingly, avoiding Simons eyes.

‘I shouldn’t have rushed you, I’m sorry—‘

’Simon,’ Wille said, voice trembling the slightest, ‘we both leaned in, okay, I-, I just-, I need some time to think, if that’s alright?’ he finished stammering, not really making sense, and Simon just knew that he didn’t manage to conceal the slightly hurt look in his eyes.

Willes eyes had changed to something unreadable and Simon rubbed his neck with a trembling hand before opening his arms slightly.

‘Can I give you a hug?’ he asked, and Wille nodded before he carefully hid himself in Simons arms. They stood like that for a while and despite his anxiety, Simon felt consoled. And he really hoped Wille felt the same.

‘I’m gonna go now,’ he announced as he untangled himself from his arms.

‘Text me when you need anything?’ Simon asked, hearing uncertainty lace his voice.

‘I will,’ Wille said softly, trying to be reassuring but his gut feeling told him differently. Simon opened the door and let Wille out, watching him walk over the corridor until he disappeared at the stairwell at the end. He closed the door behind him and that was all it took.

His frustration got the better of him and he furiously slammed the hallway door shut behind him.

Why did he always mess things up?

He sat down on the couch a little bit harder than he’d normally do, trying to calm himself down when at the same time trying to ignore the hurting feeling of rejection. Wille hadn’t rejected him, right? He had just rushed the other boy and he said he needed time. That’s not a ‘no’. Or was it? God, he hated himself.

The way Wille had almost ran out of his apartment made his gut twist and turn and he needed a distraction. He got up to sit down at this kitchen table, opening his laptop, trying to get at least some work done, trying to ignore his screaming, insecure thoughts and the fact that he was really behind on his creative writing essay, but he found himself only able to stare at the screen.

Frustrated, he slammed the device shut, and dropped his head in his hands, messing up his curls. He didn’t know how long he sat like that until he saw movement across the street. Wille was closing his curtains. He stood up so fast he saw black spots and made his way over to the window, actively letting Wille know that he was there.

He watched how the boy halted, watching him as well and in a split second, Simon grabbed his phone and texted him.

Simon: [20:53]
Are you okay?

I’m really sorry :(

He saw Wille look around when his phone pinged and watched him pick it up from the table, a tiny smile appearing when he read the text. Simons heart fluttered a little at this, thanking whoever was up there for this reaction.

Wille: [20:54]
It’s okay, like I said

Please don’t worry about me?

The boy looked up again, streaking his hair out of his beautiful face, and met his eyes. He smiled a bit wider, but even from afar, Simon saw that that smile didn’t quite reach his eyes. He waved before drawing the curtains shut and before Simon could wave back, lost in thought about that tiny smile, he was gone. He stared at the now closed curtains across the street. Maybe the weather gods were right. Maybe this wasn’t going to work out.

Notes:

Please don't hate me, please don't hate me!!! But do let me know your thoughts, I loved reading all your theories last time!
Chapter 6 will be up soon <3

Chapter 6: november cold

Summary:

But then on Thursday, november arrived, feeling colder than ever. Or was that just him?

Notes:

Hi everyone!
I'm back with chapter 6. Or, as I should say, chapter 6A. It's going to get really angsty for our boys, so here are some trigger warnings again: taking (unnecessary) meds, domestic abuse, mentions of alcohol and drugs abuse.
I hope you have your tissues ready!

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

The days after their encounter, things had gone back to normal between Wille and him. They had hung out over the weekend and at the beginning of the week they even had some study sessions together, although Simons concentration wasn’t exactly that good when Wille was around.

Yesterday, Wille had seemed tired. There were dark circles under his eyes and he didn’t say a lot, just focussed on his thesis. Which was what Simon should have done as well, but he couldn’t help but worry about the other boy. He had tried to get him to talk, but Wille was reserved and only gave short answers, which he apologized for more than once, telling him that he was just tired.

But then on Thursday, november arrived, feeling colder than ever. Or was that just him? He had an early morning shift, meaning that he had to wake up early to get to work, but had the afternoon off. And he should really, really get his shit together. The deadline for the essay was closing in on him and as much as he tried to ignore it, it made his skin prickle with the fear of it not being good enough. So instead of making a plan, he texted Wille.

Simon: [06:34]
good morning!!

do you wanna grab some lunch today?

you are probably not even awake yet but i only have the morning shift so

let me know :)

He put his phone away and readied himself for work. He had gotten his winter coat out of his closet this week, a big, grey one which made him look really small, but at least he was warm.

His work day was nothing special really. After the morning rush, he basically just annoyed Ayub, who did the exact same thing back and then at 12, he was allowed to leave already. He got his phone out of his pocket so quickly he almost dropped it on the floor, only to see that Wille hadn’t answered his texts.

Oh.

He tugged his sleeves and got his coat back on, thinking for a bit before picking his phone back up and started typing.

Simon: [12:11]
you okay?

text me if i can do anything

He was probably busy with his thesis, right? Simon nodded to himself as if to convince himself before pulling his bag over his shoulder, leaving in the direction of the library for a proper study session.

It turned out he had underrated the amount of stuff he still had to do and as hard as he worked that afternoon, he wasn’t feeling good about it. He normally loved writing and actually enjoyed finding synonyms for the words he would normally use. But today the words just didn’t come, let alone things like sentence construction. Frustrated, he closed his laptop after fours hours of hard work and irritations and he went home.

Once back in his apartment, he threw his bag into a corner and moved to his fridge, searching for whatever edible was left. He threw it in the microwave and after grabbing some cutlery, he sat down at the table, unexpectedly having a very good view at Wille, who was also sitting at his table, apparently talking to someone on his laptop.

The boy seemed really engaged in the conversation going on, the familiar, cute frown appearing on his forehead from time to time. Every time he was speaking, he seemed to vent about something, going together with a lot of hand gestures. To give him some privacy, Simon moved a little more to the back, just enough to not be seen, but also enough to keep an eye on him.

He looked even more tired than yesterday and apparently hadn’t made the effort to get dressed. Due to the darkness, he could barely see what he was wearing, but he was almost certain that it was his hoodie, which made his stomach summersault.

After about an hour, when Simon had long finished his meal and had started on a second planning, which was probably more to avoid his actual work than that he really needed it, the conversation Wille had been in ended. He had closed his laptop and the boy seemed more drained than Simon had ever seen. He felt like he was invading a private moment but he kept watching, making sure to stay out of Willes sight.

Wille had slumped in his chair, eyes staring in the distance. He sat like that for a while, barely moving before he suddenly got up, closed the curtains and everything in the apartment went pitch black. Simon checked the time and saw that it was only 20:30. He swallowed down the desire to text him right that instant and instead he tried to keep planning, at which of course, he failed miserably at.

When eventually he himself called it a night, he set his alarm and just before he turned his phone into nightshift, he opened his chat with Wille.

Simon: [22:54]
good night

i hope you’re feeling okay x

 

The moment he unlocked his phone the next day, his stomach dropped for two reasons. First of all, Wille still hadn’t texted him back which really wasn’t his favorite way to start the day, but the second one was even worse. He had a text from his father.

Micke: [03:54]
I want to talk

I’ll be waiting for you after work today

Shit shit shit. He didn’t want this? He should’ve answered the last time. How the hell did he know where and when he worked, by the way? Had he been watching him? The prickling sensation of being on edge ran over his skin again and didn’t leave for the rest of the morning. He barely managed to keep his breakfast down and his shoulders felt tense when it was finally time to leave his place to go to work.

To his luck, it was so busy that he was immediately drowning in customers, which helped to get his mind off his private life. But he worked more sloppy than he usually did and every second he stood still, he was either playing with the hem of his apron or bobbing his leg up and down.

‘What has you so on edge today?’ Ayub asked and he almost dropped the to-go cup he had just finished for a customer, not having expected to be talked to.

‘Nothing just—‘

‘Don’t lie, Simme, I know you too well for this by now,’ Ayub said sternly, but not unfriendly. He resumed drying the counter but Simon knew that he was expecting an answer.

‘It’s just that Wille hasn’t texted me back for more than a day now?’

That wasn’t everything, but he didn’t want to worry Ayub and this was probably the main thing that had him feeling like this, conveniently ignoring the essay situation and the meetup he was about to have with his dad in a few hours.

Ayub actually seemed startled to hear this. ‘I thought you guys were doing so good?’

Simon nodded before he shrugged. He didn’t even know what caused this. A few days ago they had been just fine. They hadn’t talked about the kiss, but Simon kind of knew there was more to it than just that. Only thinking the thought made him second guess himself, doubting if it really wasn’t his fault.

‘Simon?’

‘Sorry sorry,’ he apologized, ‘it’s just that we kissed? But maybe I rushed it too much but then things went on like normal and now he isn’t answering my texts?’

He thought for a bit longer and then added the last sentence.

‘And his brother died.’

That was probably the most incoherent story he had ever told and the look on Ayubs face confirmed that. He sighed before giving him and in-depth explanation about what had happened exactly and Ayubs frown got deeper and deeper the longer he spoke.

‘Do you want my advice or?’ he asked when Simon was done with the story and for once, he didn’t know the answer to that. He felt lighter after the venting, but could pretty much guess what Ayubs advice was going to be. Let Wille go.

‘You can give your advice, but I won’t promise that I’ll act on it,’ he said honestly.

‘I just feel like there is a bit more to this? Like you said, there are a few gaps in your story but I’m gonna be honest with you, you might not be able to fix this.’

Simon opened his mouth to go against him, but Ayub interrupted him before he could do so.

‘Do you remember what happened with Oskar?’

Simon swallowed thickly, not liking to be reminded of that.

‘He used you just for emotional support when he was drinking too much instead of having a proper relationship with you and he could do that because you kept going back,’ Ayub said, eyes piercing into his.

‘And you know you don’t like to talk about it, but just don’t let that happen again. You deserve better than that.’

‘I know…’ Simon whispered, feeling exposed but at the same safe because he knew Ayub truly wanted the best for him.

‘And I know you know, I’m just looking out for you.’

‘Thanks, Ayub,’ he said sincerely. Ayub nodded before disappearing to the back and left Simon with a spinning head full of thoughts and unanswered questions.

It stayed that way until the end of his shift. This must have been the one and only time he really didn’t want his shift to end, but when it was time, but took a deep breathe and stepped outside, only to see his dad waiting for him just around the corner.

Simon tugged his sleeves over his hands and tried to hide himself in his coat, but his dad already waved at him, and he couldn’t do anything else than making his way over to him.

‘Hej, dad,’ he said, trying to sound happy instead of frightened and anxious. ‘How did you know that I worked today?’

’Simme,’ his dad said, before pulling him into a hug, which Simon answered stiffly by patting him on his back a few times.

He didn’t answer the question and instead started to walk towards the flat at the other side of the street. He walked inside, not even checking if Simon was following him. On the third floor, he opened a door and they stepped into Mickes apartment. One look out of the window told him that his dad could just look outside and watch him go to and from the coffee shop.

He sat down on the edge of the couch, trying to ignore the mess around him. There were papers all over the side table and the blanket suggested he had slept on the couch that night.

‘Do you want some tea?’ his father asked, making his way into the tiny kitchen, trying not to kick anything over when walking.

Simon figured that he didn’t have a choice, so he nodded and tried to shake himself into a more relaxed state. He took his coat off and laid it down next to him on the couch, making himself at home as much as possible.

‘So,’ Micke said, when he returned with to steaming hot mugs, ‘how are Sara and Linda?’

‘They’re fine,’ he answered timidly, not feeling like giving away too much about them since they didn’t even know he was here in the first place.

Micke nodded, sensing he wasn’t into a sharing mood and talked on.

‘And what about you?’

Simon swallowed before telling his dad the bare minimum about his life, still being careful but feeling like this might be a good start. They chatted for a bit. Simon asked how his dad was, getting to know how his time in rehab had been and the mood got lighter and lighter until Simon actually found himself enjoying being around his father.

After he finished his tea, he stayed for little longer before he noticed it was getting dark outside. He set his mug back on the table before breaking the short silence that had fallen.

‘I think I’m gonna head home,’ he said, smiling at his father. His suspicion had disappeared and he felt at ease. He had always known that some people just deserved another chance. Micke got up and brought the mugs back to the kitchen and Simon got up as well, reaching for his coat when he heard his dad move around the table.

‘You make your own money now, right?’ Micke asked, walking towards the door.

Simon stilled and nodded hesitatingly before the following question erased all the good feelings he had felt in the past minutes.

‘Do you think you can borrow me some?’

Instantly, Simon was back in his fight or flight mode, knowing what was coming if he said no.

‘I— I don’t earn that much and I have my rent to pay and—‘ it sounded weak even to his own ears and he ducked his head, fidgeting with the hem of his sweater and looked at the floor instead of at the man in front of him.

‘Why did you even come to see me if you don’t want to help me out?!’ Micke exclaimed, and in two steps he was gripping Simons wrist, pulling him towards the front door.

‘Why are you such an egoist? You have it all and you are still too rotten to share it with me? After all that I’ve done for you?’

His voice got louder and louder and Simon felt himself shrink with every word. What he said wasn’t true, he knew that and he repeated it several times in his head before he looked up again, into his fathers eyes. Despite his fear, he cleared his throat and spoke up.

‘Because I thought you wanted to see me, for me. So we could be in contact again.’

Micke sniggered at the honesty and Simon flinched at the sound. The grip at his wrist started to hurt and Simon prayed for his dad to let go. To let him go and to never having to see him again. But instead, he closed in on him and Simon could smell his breath of coffee and cigarets. He was pressed into the wall and his dad had him by his collar as well now, so he couldn’t move a muscle.

‘You’re pathetic, Simon, you really are, just like your mom. Get out of my sight.’

With that, he loosened his grip and Simon dashed out of the door, casting a glance over his shoulder every now and then, making sure his dad didn’t follow him outside. The cold air hit him square in the face when he escaped out of the flat, into the evening. It was freezing cold outside and he realized he had left his coat on his dads couch, probably to never see again. One pat on his pockets told him that luckily his phone was right there.

As he briskly walked his way home, quicker than he had ever done before, he noticed his physical state. His collarbone hurt and the wrist that his dad had gripped felt bruised as well.

“Ignore it.”, he told himself, “ignore it”. “This has happened before and you’ll be just fine.”

But that was exactly the point. This had happened a million times before and still he had gone back to him. He had given him chance after chance but even now, fresh out of rehab, he was still the same person and nothing had changed.

How could he be so stupid? Micke was right, he was pathetic.

He kept throwing glances behind him every now and then, but the streets behind him were empty every time. Fear still ran through his veins, leaving goosebumps and he knew that if he would stop moving right now, he’d break down. He needed to keep going.

That really was a child instinct. Simon was so used to being the one who jumped in front of his sister, he had become used to not expressing his fear or sadness. He would always keep going and the times that he had cried, his dad had called him weak and a child. Which he was, at that time, but not any more and for some reason, those words had stuck to him.

So he barely cried. He didn’t necessarily found people who did it weak or something, he’d just rather not do it himself. Call it a force of habit. But the wind strained his face and his vision started to blur. And as much as he wanted to believe it was from the wind, he knew it wasn’t.

It was everything. Wille ignoring him, the talk with Ayub, the betrayal he felt because of his dad, the physical hurt. He just wanted to sleep till this was all over. He didn’t want to deal with this.

He hurried his way upstairs and over the corridor to his front door and breathed out shakily when he finally closed the door behind him. Safe. He was safe. With trembling hands, he locked up and made his way into his living room, only to stand there, feeling utterly overwhelmed.

Fuck. He didn’t want to cry. But the tears welled up again and before he knew it, they spilled over. He wiped them away, almost furiously and quickly made his way into the hallway to his bathroom. He stripped off his clothes and turned the shower as hot as possible for him to still endure.

In the steaming heat, he let go. Letting his tears mix with the water so he didn’t notice them so much. He sobbed without making a single noise, which was years of training, sadly, and he just stood there, waiting for it to be over.

When he felt numb and drained, he grabbed a towel and dried himself off. He filled a glass with water and popped two painkillers. He downed them quickly, knowing that he shouldn’t use them like this but he just wanted to stop feeling and thinking and he knew that this helped.

After that, he didn’t even bother to put on proper clothes and just went straight to his bedroom, wearing only underwear and a t-shirt. He wasn’t hungry, he never was when he felt this shit and without making the effort of doing his usual nighttime ritual, he pulled the blankets up and waited for himself to fall asleep.

 

First thing in the morning, he checked his phone, feeling pathetic for doing so. Besides several lame excuses from his dad, he hadn’t missed anything. Simon couldn’t ignore the sinking feeling in his chest anymore, he had messed it up.

His thumbs hovered over the keyboard but before he could type out a message, his gaze fell on this wrist. It was bruised and he could make out where his father had placed his fingers yesterday. Amazing. He turned on his front camera, pulling his shirt aside and angled himself so that he could see his collarbone. A faint, round bruise was placed there, about the size of a tennis ball, or rather, his dads fist.

With a sigh, he covered himself again, hiding himself in his blankets and opened the chat with Wille.

Simon: [05:34]
i’m actually starting to get worried now

sorry for this early text but i couldn’t sleep anymore

He hated this. It was Saturday morning and he was free from work and all he had wanted to do was at least sleep in before his essay started biting him in the ass again. But instead, he had seen every hour of the night since three o’clock, replaying what had happened with his dad and worrying how he had fucked everything up.

The longer he stayed in bed, the more restless he began to feel and with a sigh he decided to just get out there and start to work. Huddled in his widest and warmest clothes, he made his way to the living room. Light from outside started to pour in since he hadn’t locked up properly last night and he enjoyed the small rays of sunshine that fell into the room already. At least the weather was nice.

He lit a few candles, so he didn’t have to turn on the bigger lights, which his clouded head certainly couldn’t take and opened that damn laptop again, the white paper staring evilly at him. Pushing every other thought away, he started writing everything that came up and before he knew it, two hours had passed.

By that time, his stomach started to rumble, letting him know that it needed some food which made Simon aware that he should probably eat more than just a sandwich to make up for the lack of a proper meal the day before.

The day had officially started and he blew the candles out, watching the smoke curl up to the ceiling. He felt strangely lonely. Wille had only been in his life for a few weeks but he had gotten used to the constant company, whether it had been over text or by real presence. He missed their dinners and study sessions.

But although he knew that the other boy probably wasn’t having the best time right now, because of what had happened with his brother, Simon still didn’t get why he didn’t respond. He could understand Wille wanting to be alone, but the straight up ignoring just felt off, which caused his brain to overthink every little thing that had happened between them.

He couldn’t shake the feeling away that he had rushed the other boy. It had felt so intimate, so honest and right then, Simon had been sure they had both wanted it. Hell, they had even met up for the rest of the week and now this? For the first time, he felt anger bubble up, which made him shove his egg a bit too wild on his plate. He sat down again, staring daggers into the closed curtains across the street. There had been zero movement lately, but now, the lights were on and Simon took this as his chance.

Simon: [08:16]
okay this must sound very creepy but even though your curtains are closed, I saw you turn on the lights this morning so i know you’re there

are you ignoring me?

is it because of last week, because i can apologize a million times more if that makes you feel better

please let me know, okay?

He sounded pathetic. Like always, he was trying too hard. He wanted to fix this even though it wasn’t him who had broken it in the first place. When he finished his breakfast, he stood up and planted himself on the chair which was facing towards his interior instead of outside and threw his phone out of reach. He had an essay to write.

The day went by fairly quickly and just after lunch, he took a short nap to feel rested enough to get through the rest of the day. He had dinner with Sara on his planning that evening and he managed to get enough done on his essay to allow himself to actually go.

He dressed up in something less homeless and more casual, making sure it had long sleeves and made his way to the bus stop. He stared at the sunset all ride long and felt a calmness wash over him. At least he was going to have nice evening to take his mind off things.

 

His sisters studio was in on of the suburbs of the town they lived in. It was less expensive than Simons was and the surroundings were more quiet, which was exactly how his sister liked it. Even Simon liked the silence at her place and going there always felt a bit like a day off. It took Sara about two seconds before opening the door, giving him exactly the welcome he had expected.

‘You look terrible.’

‘Hello to you too,’ Simon groaned, stepping over the threshold and giving his sister a hug.

They let go of each other and Sara just shrugged in response. Simon thanked the gods that she had dinner ready already and they sat down at the table. Soon, she was rambling about something Simon didn’t pay fully attention to, mentioning that Felice would pop over as well. Saying something about them possibly moving in together. The blush on her cheeks betraying her. Normally, he would start to pry then, but right now, he couldn’t get himself to do it, which snapped her out of her story.

‘Are you okay?’ she suddenly asked, looking at him over her fork.

He nodded unconvincingly and Sara send him a look he knew too well.

‘How are things going between you and Wille?’

It took Simon one look at her to see she knew more about this, probably from Felice and he let his anger get the best of him. The story spilled from his lips in angry words and accusations of both him and the other boy and Sara just listened, knowing better than to interrupt her brother when he finally gets his emotions out of his system. When he’s done, he meets Saras eyes again, but the way she looks, isn’t helping at all.

‘What?’ Simon lashes out impatiently in response to her gaze. ‘What am I supposed to do? You apparently already know everything and he just acts weird? One day we’re fine and the next day he acts like we never existed.’

Their eyes locked in some kind of staring competition before Saras ones eventually softened and he continued, anger making way for defeat.

‘Maybe he just doesn’t give a shit anymore.’

‘I don’t think that’s it, Simme, and I think you know that as well,’ Sara said softly and Simon just nodded, quietly agreeing with her.

‘I just miss him, I guess.’

‘You don’t have to guess that, I think we can be sure,’ she said and it were moments like these that she actually felt older than he was. ‘But if he really doesn’t acknowledge you anymore, I don’t think there is anything else you can do but wait. Maybe he just needs time.’

‘How much longer am I supposed to fucking wait?’

‘That’s up to you to decide. I have the feeling that there’s more to this than we both know, and I know it sucks to hear that,’ she followed quickly when Simon opened his mouth, ‘but there’s likely to be an explanation. And if there really isn’t, you have to let him go. I’m not letting you beat yourself up for this.’

Simon wasn’t sure how he felt after these words. He still blamed himself. He always blamed himself. He couldn’t see it any other way, not right now, anyways. But despite that, he was really grateful for Sara being there for him.

The rest of their dinner, the subject remained untouched. They talked about work and friends and Simon realized how much he had missed this. Becoming adults was nice and all, but their shared evenings weren’t getting more. It wasn’t until they had done the dishes and were enjoying some tea that Wille came up again.

Felice entered the studio in a whirlwind of cold air and rain drops and had a worried look on her face.

Hej, Simon,’ she said while making her way over to Sara to kiss her on the cheek. The corner of his mouth lifted ever so slightly but just enough for Sara to notice and she send him a warning look. Felice then went over to Simon and she hugged him.

He watched her walk back to the counter, grabbing her own cup of tea before joining them at the table, letting out a sigh.

‘Tiring day?’ Simon asked, wondering what she had done what made her so exhausted.

She shrugged, flicking her eyes over to Sara and back to him again and Simon frowned. What was going on?

Sara took a deep breath.

‘How was he?’ she asked softly, but Simon could see her bracing herself for either his reaction, or for what Felice was about to tell.

‘Sad, and scared. And lonely. He hasn’t left his apartment since Thursday and you know—,’ she almost invisibly nodded towards Simon. Sara nodded understandingly and that’s when Simon connected things. Felice had been at Willes place.

‘You were at Willes place?’ he interrupted, looking between the two girls like he was watching an important tennis game, scared to miss something important.

‘Yeah,’ she said, and before Simon could ask anything else, Felice started to talk.

‘The thing is, I feel like he should tell you everything himself, and he said he had already told you a few things about what had happened last year?’

Simon nodded, not knowing how to feel now he was about to get some actual information about the boy who had chosen to ignore him.

‘I know that his brother died, and that it’s almost a year ago,’ he said honestly, ‘and he said that he was scared how he would feel these days.’

He wrapped his hands a bit closer around his mug, needing the warmth before continuing.

‘And I wanted to help and stuff, but he’s been ignoring me since Thursday. He’s not texting back and I feel like I did something wrong?’

He really wanted to pry, but he was also frightened what he would come to know if he did so, which made him decide to just shut his mouth before something stupid could escape him.

As much as Felice tried to keep her expression stoic, he could see a sadness in her eyes when he finished talking and he could only hope she saw his good intentions.

‘I’m gonna be honest with you, Simon,’ she said, focussing fully on him now, and Simon braced himself.

‘Wille has had a really tough year. He’s in therapy right now, and I’m not going to tell you a lot about it because that is up to him, but he did a lot of stuff trying to forget about Eriks death that wasn’t— healthy.’

The clear shock on Simons face made her continue quickly. ‘By that I mean partying, drinking, overworking himself, not eating, nothing too bad, but it was bad enough.’

‘He didn’t really share what was going on, but in the end, we all caught up and helped him with his unhealthy coping mechanisms. He always felt like he was too much and a lot of other struggles came to the surface as well,’ she hesitated,’ but I think that is why he’s not answering right now.’

She hadn’t told him everything, Simon knew that much, but suddenly it dawned on Simon. The gaps that had been there in the things that Wille had told him and the way he had left the party on the night they were out together. Also the way he had reacted to Simons outburst in the library made sense now. He had expressed a very strong opinion about people who drunk too much and the way he had talked about his father hadn’t made things better as well. He couldn’t blame Wille for not telling him. He tried to keep his face as neutral as possible when Felice went on.

‘It’s up to him what’s going to happen next, no matter how much you try to contact him, but I’ve done a good word for you, just so you know.’

Felice smiled at him, and Simon felt a pang of gratefulness towards her. She was a good friend for Wille and he deserved that. But at the same time, he felt fear pool in his stomach. This was just another person who wasn’t healthy. Like his dad and like Oskar. And he didn’t know if he was ready to do this again. What if it wasn’t worth it? What if it turned out just as bad as last time?

Sara touched his shoulder lightly, getting him out of his mind and he read exactly his thoughts in her eyes. She knew. She understood his fear. Because she had been there every time, listening to him, offering her shoulder for him to cry on when he, once or twice, actually let go.

‘Things will work out, Simme,’ she said, ‘one way or another.’

He let all the words sink in while finishing his tea. They went back to small talk and it was easy enough to follow and nod at the right moments while not fully paying attention. When it was time for him to go, both girls hugged him tightly, speaking words of encouragement.

In the elevator, he read his latest messages to Wille for the first time that day and this time, he saw the two blue check marks, almost grinning wickedly at him, as if they were confirming the ignoring more than Simon would like them to. Wille had read the texts. He had probably opened the chat by accident or whatever.

He started typing and then erased his message for more than four times before he acknowledged that he didn’t know how to write it down. Instead he closed the app, sat down on the last step of the stairs next to the elevator and went to contact information to dial Willes number.

After going over six times, it went to voicemail.

Hello, this is Wille, leave a message and I might call you back!

God, how good it was to hear his voice. Simon waited for the ‘beep’ before he started talking.

‘Hey, eh, I’m sorry to bother you again, please don’t hate me but I’m just— worried?’

Fuck, he should have prepared this better.

‘I don’t know why you don’t text me back? I talked to Felice and she told me some things but I just—‘

Maybe he shouldn’t have said that he had talked to Felice, but he had already said it. He took a deep breath before finishing his sentence.

‘I just wanted to let you know that I would still really like to see you again. Please let me hear anything from you.’

He abruptly hung up after that, not knowing what else he should say in a one-sided voicemail message.

All his emotions tumbled over one another. Anger, frustration, fear, sadness, incomprehension. The whole situation hurt him just as much but his past had learned him that that was okay too. He was allowed to feel like this when not treated well. But there was a piece of him that felt incredibly sorry for Wille. A part of him that wanted to reach out and make it better, back to the way it used to be. But he couldn’t force the other boy into that.

The bus ride home wasn’t enough to make him feel better this time and the cold made him miserable even though the day had been beautiful. He mulled over the conversation and decided that he had to draw a line as well. As soon as he was surrounded by the warmth and comfort he unlocked his phone one last time.

He dialed again and nothing happened, as expected. He was send to voicemail again.

‘Hey, it’s me… again. I’m really sorry for everything, for bothering you now for the second time as well,’ he took a deep breath, mentally preparing the next sentence. ‘If you wanna stop seeing me, just tell me. You’re avoiding me and I don’t really know why and it’s hurting me.’

Forcing his voice not to break, he continued.

‘And I don’t want to jump to any conclusions, but I really wish for you to give me a reason. I don’t have much more to say, so I’ll stop texting and stuff, but just—, give me a sign.’

He hung up after that. It felt really final. Simon hated it.

Deciding there wasn’t more to it than to wait and see if anything would happen, which he didn’t expect anymore, he headed to bed. But not after a burning shower in which he tried to scrub everything off himself.

It took a while before sleep caught up on him, as tired as he was. He just lay there, thinking over everything Felice had said, thinking about how he felt, thinking about the boy in the apartment across the street. He had put his phone on his nightstand, volume all the way up, one could hope, right? But when he turned over on his side, facing the wall, he felt the last traces of hope leave his body.

 

Simon awoke three hours later with a beeping phone next to him. Not even knowing if it was day or night, he grabbed his phone, blinded by the light when he unlocked it.

Wille: [00:34]
Are you awake?

Simons eyes flew open, awake in an instant and barely comprehending that he was actually receiving this text. A text from Wille. It took him a minute before he was able to respond.

Simon: [00:35]
i am now

As soon as he sent it, his phone rang. Not knowing what to expect, he decided it was best to just answer it. He felt vulnerable, like it was now or never, and he didn’t like it one bit. The softest ‘hello’ was heard on the other side when he picked up.

‘Hey, Wille,’ he responded, almost as soft. ‘It’s late, why do you call?’

‘Right, sorry,’ Willes voice sounded a little taken aback. ‘How are you?’

Simon could barely believe his ears. Nothing since Thursday. Thursday!! And then he just casually called him at what, Simon squinted at his alarm, almost one in the fucking morning, asking him how he was?

‘I’m fine,’ Simon said, not giving anything away. God, he hadn’t realized how fed up he actually was. ‘You?’

‘Me too…’

They both lied, and they knew it. The silence they fell into was the most uncomfortable one they had had yet, and it unnerved Simon. It had never been uncomfortable between them.

There was a lot that Simon wanted to say in that silence, but he decided to held his tongue. After all, Wille was the one who had called, owed him an explanation. He was the one who should start the conversation, even though Simon desperately wanted to start it. After a few more seconds, Wille spoke up.

‘I’m really sorry, Simme, I really am.’

His voice sounded different, as if he hadn’t used it for a couple of days.

‘But I can explain it, if you let me…’

Simon didn’t say anything. Not yet. After another beat, Wille continued.

‘And I know this wasn’t the way, but I swear I’ll make it up to you, just—, just please give me a chance to explain? Could you come over?’

Simon sighed, lump in his throat forming. He had sensed how upset he was, but now that he heard the voice of the other boy again, all kinds of emotions washed over him. He let them before deciding what to say next.

‘Look, I-, I don’t know if that’s a good idea?’

The moment he said it, he felt sorry, he really wanted to go to the other boy and figure things out, but that didn’t take away the hurt feeling that was still taking the upper hand.

Nothing was to be heard from the other side. ‘At least not tonight,’ he continued. The silence on the other side of the line terrified him.

‘Wille..? Are you still there?’ he asked.

‘I fucked up so bad, I’m so fucking sorry, Simon. You don’t deserve this, I don’t deserve you, I’m so so sorry,’ Wille suddenly burst out, voice breaking many times during the short sentences. He was clearly crying and despite everything, Simons heart broke.

‘I just don’t want to do this on the phone,’ Wille said, finishing this outburst.

‘I get it, but just—, tomorrow?’

Wille seemed more composed when he answered.

‘I- yeah, okay, I-‘

Something about the change in his voice was off and Simon swung his legs over the side of his bed and got up. Not bothering to get dressed, he walked into the living room towards the window, moving the curtains just the slightest bit. Willes ones were open and the boy was sitting at his kitchen table, phone in his hand, looking utterly desperate. And Simon couldn’t take it anymore.

‘Wille?’

‘Yeah?’

‘Are you really okay?’

The boy looked up from his phone, as if he knew Simon had moved from his bed and to the window. Their eyes locked, and his stomach dropped when Wille shook his head.

‘What’s your apartment number?’

’14.’

‘I’m on my way.’

Notes:

God, I truly hope you're okay. The next chapter is not going to be a direct continuation, but you're going to get a nice little insight in Willes head as well. Let me know your thoughts, every comment means the world to me!!

Chapter 7: november cold pt. 2

Summary:

On some days, Wilhelm would wake up knowing it was best for everyone if he just stayed in bed. And today was exactly such a day.

Notes:

Hello everyone!!
First of all, I'd like to apologize to everyone who was severely hurt while reading the last chapter. My dms were flooded with messages and so was the comment section. I really appreciate every single one of those, so keep them coming!! Second of all, here I am to tell you it's not getting better any time soon...
Trigger warnings for this chapter are grief and depression and do give yourself the big hug the boys deserve when you've finished this chapter.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

On some days, Wilhelm would wake up knowing it was best for everyone if he just stayed in bed. And today was exactly such a day. November had finally arrived and it felt colder than ever. Or was that just him? One glance at his phone told him he was late for therapy as well so he texted his therapist that he wasn’t feeling well and apologized.

Almost instantly, he got a text back and by reading it, he already knew she was seeing right through him. He had yet to find out if he was thankful for that or not, but they scheduled an online appointment for that evening and Wille would try all day long not to feel guilty for stealing her time off.

He rolled back on his back, phone still in his hand and saw he also had a few texts from Simon. He bit his lip, not daring to open them since then he would have to admit he had just woken up. He would answer later today. He threw his phone just out of reached and stared at the ceiling. He didn’t feel like answering or reading any more texts.

He and Simon had gone back to their normal life after that one evening. The evening they had kissed. Wille had never felt that way before. It had been soft, comforting and over all just one of the nicest things he had experienced in a long time. But still, it had freaked him out.

He didn’t deserve it. He was too much and Simon, although the curly haired boy hadn’t actively noticed it yet, must think that way as well. The short talk they had had in the library that same day had said it all. Simon didn’t like people who did things like he had done. The partying, the alcohol, everything. He had done it all, and Simon had made his distaste known clear enough right now.

Despite telling him about his brother, he didn’t dare to start about the aftermath, already knowing Simon would be absolutely disgusted by him. Everything he had done had weighed him down until it eventually ended with the kiss. The kiss he had liked so much, but didn’t deserve. Because Simon deserved better. It didn’t really make sense, but his mind wasn’t clear enough to understand that and he turned over to his side, watching his phone with the unread messages on it from a distance. Maybe it was for the best that they didn’t go out for lunch today.

Eventually, he dragged himself out of bed, not bothering to get dressed and made himself a sandwich, which tasted like nothing. Not that he cared, really. His therapist and he had talked about it. How he was going to manage, what was probably going to happen and how Wille could take care of himself during this time. Since he was living on his own, he was supposed to make sure he’d eat and get a shower, which was harder than he’d like to admit on some days.

Cutting Simon off wasn’t in the plan though. His phone went off for the fifth time that day and a sixth ping followed soon after. Without looking, Wilhelm already knew that it was him, probably wondering why he wasn’t responding on his lunch invitation.

Simme: [12:11]
you okay?

text me if i can do anything

He felt guilty. Simon was worried about him, probably thinking he was locking himself in because of grief, or maybe stress for his thesis, not knowing there was so much more. Wille hated how he let him in the dark, but at this point, he couldn’t even explain why he wasn’t responding, he just wasn’t feeling like it. Not in an “I don’t care” way, but more like in an “I’m anxious as hell, please don’t make me explain it” kind of way.

So instead, he put his phone on silent and moved to the couch, grabbing his laptop on the way. From a box in his bookcase, he retrieved his hard disk, which was filled with family pictures of him and his brother. He put the hood of his hoodie up, trying not to acknowledge the calming effect of Simons scent and plugged it in.

His afternoon was filled with old photos and faded memories. The very first years right after he was born weren’t digitalized yet, but there were a lot of him and Erik together from the age of nine. Holiday pictures, birthdays they had celebrated together, family get-togethers. But the ones that made Wilhelm smile the most were the spontaneous ones.

Erik wrestling him to the floor, big smiles on both their faces. His own tiny face covered up in shaving cream, trying to copy Erik in his morning routine. Making snow angels together in the backyard, being photographed from above. The both of them doing homework in the kitchen, faces scrunched up in concentration. A few of them portrayed them in Eriks car, the one that had caused this mess and Willes vision blurred every time he saw one of those.

The tears that streaked his cheeks every now were happy ones. There because he realized how thankful he was to have had a brother like Erik, despite being torn away from him too soon. Right after the accident, he had been angry at him. For being so careless, but also for leaving in the first place. But right now, watching the photos, the smile on Eriks face, he realized how happy his brother had been every time he had stepped into that stupid car. And maybe that was worth it.

Then, when he had seen almost all the pictures the hard disk contained, he closed his laptop. He made his way into the bathroom, trying to at least look slightly better before his online therapy appointment started. But once look in the mirror told him it would be impossible to fix today. His eyes were puffy, slightly red rimmed and projected a defeated, tired look. His hair was messy and the corners of his mouth pointed downwards.

He splashed cold water against his face, making himself gasp but feel more awake instantly and he returned to the living room, fetching his laptop again and plopped down at the kitchen table. After a few minutes, the well known sound of a zoom call filled his room and while suppressing a sigh, he clicked the green button.

The familiar face of his therapist appeared on his screen and after checking the volume, he fell silent, waiting for her to speak up, not feeling like doing so himself.

‘Today is not a good day, is it?’ she asked, opening the conversation.

It was just a question. There was no extra layer to it or force to explain himself or judgment, it was as casually asked as if she had asked him about the weather.

He simply moved his head from left to right, not feeling like wordily agreeing.

‘Do you want to share why?’

To be fair, he didn’t. He didn’t even want to sit at this stupid table and have this stupid appointment right now. But yet here he was, so he’d better try to make the most of it.

‘I don’t want the upcoming days to come.’

The second he said it, he regretted it. It sounded childish and pathetic. But she just nodded, encouraging him silently to go on.

‘And I chickened out.’

The four words hung in the air between them and although she didn’t look disappointed, he knew she was.

‘What do you mean by that?’ she asked, her voice friendly, welcoming him to start talking.

‘I told Simon about Erik, but before I did, his dad showed up and he ranted for a bit about unhealthy coping mechanisms and what his father did to him and his family, and then I just— I didn’t dare to talk to him about the things I did in the past year.’

He said it all really quickly, wanting it to be over as soon as possible and he ducked his head a bit, as if suspecting a scolding from her.

As nothing came, he looked up and saw, instead of judgment, an understanding look on her face. He allowed himself to relax the tiniest bit and waited for her to speak up again.

‘Did you think he would take it badly, or did he say so?’

‘I think so…’

’So you haven’t said anything?’ she pried a little bit more.

Wille shook his head. ‘And then things went on like normal, but he keeps being so sweet and I just don’t deserve it because I’m not being honest with him.’

‘Wilhelm, you’re filling things in again. You don’t know what he’s really thinking, especially about this. It’s a totally different situation with you than with his father, I think.’

She paused, and so did Wille, not wanting to say anything because she for sure wouldn’t be happy about the not responding to his texts. He was glad she couldn’t see him fully right now because his shoulders were tense and his hands were fumbling nonstop under the table.

‘I’m gonna be really strict with you now, Wille,’ she said, looking pointedly at him through the screen. ‘It’s up to the both of you to decide if you want to give you two a chance or not. You can’t decide that on your own.’

Wille nodded, taken aback by the sternness of the statement, but coming from her, it was okay. Because deep down, he knew she was right and that he wasn’t handling it properly.

‘Have you talked to anyone today?’

‘Don’t want to,’ he answered shortly and once again, the feeling of being absolutely pathetic crept up to him. The frown he knew so well appeared on her face and it scared him, because he hadn’t seen this look in a long time.

‘We have some things to talk through, Wilhelm,’ she said, and this time, he didn’t suppress his sigh.

The hour felt endless and he couldn’t be more glad when it was finally over. They talked about the upcoming days and how his behavior right now was normal, but at the same time kind of a set back. She kept being open and honest with him, which he appreciated more than anything, but it was also hard on him right now.

When he finally ended the meeting, he found himself staring off in the distance for a while before managing the strength to get up. All he really wanted to do was sleep. Sleep so he didn’t have to do anything or think or basically live.

He abruptly stood up and walked to the window, reaching for the curtains to draw them shut. He glanced into Simons apartment but only saw an open laptop with the boy himself nowhere in sight. That was probably for the best.

It took a while for him to fall asleep, but he already was when his phone lit up around eleven with two final messages of the day.

Simme: [22:54]
good night

i hope you’re feeling okay x

 

Wilhelm spend his whole Friday in bed. He stared at a beam of sunlight that hit the wall and saw it move across it when it became later and later in the morning. He had left his phone on silent, but he hadn’t received any texts from Simon. For some reason, that hurt even more.

He knew he didn’t deserve any new ones since he wouldn’t answer them, but it made him feel even more alone than he already felt. His chest ached knowing that right now, Simon had chosen to just stop texting him. When finally, after a long and lonely morning the afternoon set in, he quit scrolling through social media and did some of his anxiety reducing exercises and for once, they seemed to work as they send him off into another nap.

When he woke up again, the room was dark and so was the rest of his apartment. The curtains were still closed as he hadn’t opened them this morning and the only reason he was shuffling through the darkness right now, was his rumbling stomach. In the back of a cupboard, he found a cup of instant noodles and got the water boiling, quickly checking if they were still edible since he couldn’t remember buying them.

After his scanty meal, he turned to the bathroom to take a shower, only to dress up in the exact same clothes afterwards. Simon hoodie was just too comfortable and Wille liked how it still smelled like him, even though it was probably just his laundry detergent. The joggers he was wearing were way too big, but had been Eriks. One of the few things he had managed to save after his parents had cleaned out his brothers entire bedroom.

It was weird that every time he came home, well, went to his parents place, Eriks bedroom wasn’t there anymore. His parents had gotten rid of everything almost immediately and all that remained were his bed, closet and a few of his personal belongings on his desk, which was dressed up as some kind of altar. But with the way it looked right now, it was more like a guest room and less like the room where his brother had spent half of his life in.

But Wille was happy with the things that he had managed to steal from the trash bags and especially on days like these, the big joggers gave him an immense comfort. As he returned to the warmth of his bed, he saw two texts from Felice, coming across as slightly worried, but he ignored them and turned his phone off, staring at the ceiling, overwhelmed with thoughts until sleep came for him.

 

Simme: [05:34]
i’m actually starting to get worried now

sorry for this early text but i couldn’t sleep anymore

Wille was already sitting at the table with his journal in front of him when the messages came in and thought the crack in the curtains he could see that there came a soft glow from Simons apartment. He was surprised Simon was up this early as he hadn’t taken him for someone who liked getting up early on weekend days. He himself couldn’t sleep anymore, mainly because his brain wouldn’t shut up, but also because he hadn’t physically done anything the last few days.

But he had one goal for today, and that was texting Simon back. Because his therapist was right, he didn’t deserve this. And if there was still the slightest chance that something was going to happen between them, then it was also up to Simon. But then he should know a few things.

Wille had been journaling for about six months now. He really liked the quietness of the morning. There was less noise and that made his head feel clear enough to journal and write some things down. He took his sweet time this morning, reading old passages and also reflected on some stuff he had written before, looking back on it differently now that he was further in his process. Eventually, his phone interrupted him again and he knew without looking that he got another bunch of texts from Simon.

Simme: [08:16]
okay this must sound very creepy but even though your curtains are closed, i saw you turn on the lights this morning so i know you’re there

are you ignoring me?

is it because of last week, because i can apologize a million times more if that makes you feel better

please let me know, okay?

He took a deep breath, silently wondering how just texting him back was going to fix any of this mess he had made. But he would answer them. Today. Later.

 

Over all, he had a pretty good day. He felt calm, way calmer than he had felt the past week and the constant nervousness had left his body a little bit. When he had finally managed a proper dinner, he took a deep breath and for the first time in days, he opened the chat.

Wilhelm knew two blue checkmarks would appear on Simons phone right now. He took another deep breath and started typing out a message, but deleted it almost instantly. What was he supposed to say now? Sorry? He pressed the heels of his hands in his eyes until he saw black spots, fingers rubbing his temples softly. He could only hope Simon didn’t come online right now and saw him typing for ages without actually sending anything.

His indecision was interrupted by a knocking on his door and he froze in place. The only thing he could hear was the sound of his way to loud heartbeat before a second knocking was being heard. He hadn’t invited anyone?

The sound continued and Wille just sat on the edge of his couch, thoughts running wild. What if it was Simon? He was a mess right now, he didn’t want him to see him like this. A longer silence fell this time, but then he heard the tapping again. Whoever it was, they were not giving up any time soon.

“Wille, open up,’ he heard a muffled voice from outside, ‘I know you’re home.’

Felice.

He abandoned his phone and quickly went into the hallway to open his front door. He had no idea how she had gotten this far up since she normally had to call him to get up, but apparently, she had her ways.

‘What are you doing here?’ Wille asked, professionally ignoring the fact that he hadn’t wanted to open the door but shame quickly replaced the surprise because he had to look like absolute shit right now.

‘You weren’t answering your phone, so I thought I’d drop by,’ Felice stated casually, stepping around him to enter his apartment.

‘You didn’t have to…’ he said weakly, but Felice just looked at him and he followed her quietly into the living room.

He busied himself with getting them something to drink while ignoring the fact that Felice was observing him and the surroundings, making him aware of how messy it had gotten, which was actually really unlike him. As soon as he put two cups on the side table and sat down next to her on the couch, she spoke up again.

‘I’m not going to ask how you’re doing,’ she knew him so well by now, ‘but is there anything you want to do? Watch a movie? Talk?’

Wille managed a tiny but genuine smile before answering. ‘We can drink tea and talk about your week?’

And so they did. Felice told him all about her work and her exams and how last year at uni was going for her. A blush appeared on her cheeks every time she spoke about Sara and Wille couldn’t help but smile as well.

‘When are you going to see her again?’ he asked, wanting to know all the details.

‘Tonight, actually. But she has Simon over right now, so I thought it would be better if it just was the two of them.’

The straightforward mention of Simon had Wille a little taken aback, but he managed to clear his throat and ask the question he had been dying to ask someone for a few days right now.

‘How is he?’

‘What do you think, Wille?’ she answered, not in a judging way, but her voice certainly had a tone of sadness in it.

He nodded, feeling his own sadness return to his chest. ‘I fucked up so bad, Felice.’

‘For what I’ve heard, he just doesn’t get it. You kind of left him in the dark and now he’s lost on what to do.’

‘I know…’

‘I know you know, Wille, and it’s okay. Well, it’s not actually, but I get it. Sort of.’

She scooted over to where he was sitting and wrapped his arms around him. He let himself sink into her embrace, not knowing he had craved it as much as he thought he had. But for some reason, Felice always knew exactly when he needed a hug.

‘I just want to say one thing, if that’s okay?’

Wille nodded against her shoulder, where is head was laying right now. At this point in their friendship, Felice could say anything and he would take it from her. The level of trust between them had really developed the past year and he loved the sincerity of it.

’Simon is a really good person. Sara always talks fondly of him and I really think that if you give up on him, you’re going to regret it later. So please, please respond to his texts or call him or whatever, but don’t let him go.’

She was right. He knew she was right and he had really tried to text him back today but at this point everything felt uncomfortable and he didn’t know what to write even though he had typed it out a million times already. It just didn’t fix it or make what he had done any better.

So he nodded again. ‘I’ve tried to today, but I haven’t finished the text yet.’

‘Good, that’s good,’ and a hint of a smile appeared on Felices face again. ‘You can do it, Wille, I know you can.’

‘Thanks, Felice,’ he said weakly.

They just sat together for a while and he let Felice fill the silence with her chatting. He loved listening to her. Her voice was always lively and the way she told stories was just so fun that they always cheered Wille up. But eventually, it was time for her to go

‘So, take a shower, and text him back, okay?’

‘Okay,’ he promised, and they both knew he meant it.

They hugged goodbye and Wille said he would call her when he felt bad, the both of them knowing perfectly well he wouldn’t and he let her out. Instead of going back to his spot on the couch, he stacked the dishes on the counter and moved his books to the side of the table, so he had a cleaner space tomorrow. Then, he made for the shower, not really needing to get cleaned up again, but the feeling of hot water made him feel comforted.

He had just turned off the water when the sound of his ringtone rang through the bathroom, the sound of it bouncing against the tiles. It was Simon. He didn’t even dare to move and just stared at the device until the ringing stopped. Then, the ping of a new voicemail was to be heard.

Not bothering to dry himself off he picked up his phone and clicked on the voicemail message, his heart in his throat.

‘Hey, eh, I’m sorry to bother you again, please don’t hate me but I’m just— worried?’

Wille bit his lip, eyes wide and waited for Simon to continue. His fingers tightly clenching his phone.

‘I don’t know why you don’t text me back? I talked to Felice and she told me some things but I just—‘

He felt a rush of both affection and annoyance towards Felice and hoped she didn’t tell him too much. But he decided to let it slip and focussed on Simons voice again.

‘I just wanted to let you know that I would still really like to see you again. Please let me hear anything from you.’

Simons voice was abruptly broken off, not even a good bye at the end, but that didn’t even surprise Wille at this point.

He heard a lot of emotions in just this one message and god, he had missed Simons voice. But he didn’t like the anger, frustration and sadness he heard in it. The lack of understanding, which he totally got, knowing how he completely left him in the dark. The whole situation hurt Simon just as much if not more and he made sure that Wille got to know that.

Not knowing what to do, he got dressed and paced through his apartment, eventually ending up in his bedroom, laying on his back with his phone next to him, put on silent again. The anxious feelings slowly dissolved into tears and tiredness, a heavy feeling settling in his bones that he knew so well by now and instead of fighting it, he just gave in and fell in an uneasy sleep.

When he woke up, he could barely comprehend where he was, what time it was and why the skin of his cheeks felt so tight. He quickly figured out that the last thing was caused by the tears that had dried up and rubbed his hands over his face in order to clean them. Then, he reached towards his phone to check the time but immediately got distracted. There was another missed call from Simon. And this time as well, there was a voicemail. He sat up so quickly he saw black spots and with trembling fingers, he pressed play.

‘Hey, it’s me…again. I’m really sorry for everything, for bothering you now for the second time as well,’

He heard Simon take a deep breath, as if mentally preparing himself for the next sentence before he continued.

‘If you wanna stop seeing me, just tell me. You’re avoiding me and I don’t know really why and it’s hurting me.’

Wille heard the edge in the other boys voice, close to breaking and he bit his thumbnail, anxiously listening to the rest of it.

‘And I don’t want to jump to any conclusions, but I really wish for you to give me a reason. I don’t have much more to say, so I’ll stop texting and stuff, just—, give me a sign.’

The cold voice of the voicemail woman came next and that was it. It felt really final. Wille hated it. His breathe hitched in his throat, coming out in short bursts and he forced himself to calm down. He had to calm down and think. Just think.

This was exactly what Felice had meant. He had left him in the dark and now he was hurting. All because Wille couldn’t answer his texts. In a split second, he unlocked his phone again, and finally, finally texted Simon.

Wilhelm: [00:34]
Are you awake?

Chills ran over his body and he got up only to sit down at his kitchen table again. He had to stay calm. He pressed his back against the chair and felt the wood dig into his muscles, grounding him. And then his phone pinged.

Simme: [00:35]
i am now

Almost robotic, he read the message. He then exhaled slowly, stretching it as long as possible and pressed on the tiny phone button.

Within a second, the call was answered and he could barely voice a greeting, his lungs not filling with air anymore.

‘Hey, Wille,’ Simon responded, almost as soft. ‘It’s late, why do you call?’

‘Right, sorry,’ he answered, a little taken aback but feeling stupid that he hadn’t even considered the fact that Simon might’ve been sleeping. ‘

How are you?’ he asked, feeling even more stupid as soon as that question left his mouth.

‘I’m fine,’ Simon said, not giving anything away. He sounded guarded and Wille couldn’t blame him.

‘You?’

‘Me too…’

They both lied, and they knew it. The silence they fell into was the most uncomfortably one they had had yet, and it unnerved Wille. It had never been uncomfortable between them.

Wille knew Simon was waiting for him to speak up. He was the one that called him after all. And he needed to hurry up, because he could feel time slipping through his fingers right now. And so was Simons patience. After a few more seconds, Wille spoke up.

‘I’m really sorry, Simme, I really am. But I can explain it, if you let me…’

Simon didn’t say anything. The silence was almost deafening. After another beat, Wille continued.

‘And I know this wasn’t the way, but I swear I’ll make it up to you, just—, just please give me a chance to explain? Could you come over?’

His vision was blurred with tears now and he knew Simon would say no as soon as the question had left his lips. Simon wasn’t stupid. Of course he wouldn’t come over.

‘Look, I-, I don’t know if that’s a good idea?’

See? He knew it. He let the tears fall on his cheeks, not bothering to wipe them away but made sure they fell silently.

‘At least not tonight,’ Simon continued but Wille didn’t say anything, not wanting his voice to betray him.

‘Wille..? Are you still there?’ he asked and then the words bubbled up and spilled over, like his tears just did.

‘I fucked up so bad, I’m so fucking sorry, Simon. You don’t deserve this, I don’t deserve you, I’m so so sorry,’ he burst out, voice breaking many times during the short sentences. By now, Simon must know that he was crying, but nothing mattered anymore.

‘I just don’t want to do this on the phone,’ Wille finished, feeling empty now.

‘I get it, but just—, tomorrow?’

Wille gulped in some air, and then took another breath, composing himself before answering.

‘I- yeah, okay, I-‘

He broke himself off, not really knowing what else to add. The tears had stopped falling down, as if they knew they were defeated as well and then he heard some ruffling, followed by a bit of shuffling he couldn’t quite place and waited for Simon to say something. Anything at this point.

‘Wille?’

And Wille breathed out again.

‘Yeah?’

‘Are you really okay?’

The boy looked up from his phone, as if he knew Simon had moved from his bed to the window. Their eyes locked, and Wille slowly shook his head.

‘What’s your apartment number?’

’14.’

‘I’m on my way.’

Notes:

Well, we already knew how this chapter was going to end, didn't we? See y'all on Tuesday, I promise we will get to see a continuation then!! In the meantime, do leave a comment below if you want to and/or scream at me on twitter!

Chapter 8: it's cold without you

Summary:

The feeling that it was now or never crept under his skin and left goose bumps on his whole body. He hadn’t wanted to give in and come over, but when he saw the look on Willes face, his heart broke and the fact that he had invited him over said something as well. But besides that, Simon felt on edge and although he was outside, the space around him felt too small for him to breathe properly.

Notes:

Hi everyone!!
I put you all through something the last two chapters, so it's time for some well deserved comfort for our boys! I tried to voice Simons feelings as well as possible, seeing as we never really get to see how he feels about certain events, so I hope y'all will enjoy that as much as I did writing it.
Trigger warnings again for drugs abuse, alcohol abuse, domestic abuse and a lot of sadness, keep taking care of yourself <3

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

This was the first time Simon made his way over to Willes apartment. He had never actually been there. He had been in front of the apartment block yes, but they had always hung out at his place. Both of them had never really talked about it, it had just happened and they since it had never bothered Simon, he had never asked.

The cold air hit him as soon as he left his building. He had only thrown on a hoodie and sweatpants and hadn’t even bothered to tie his shoes properly. His coat was still at his dads place so he should get used to the cold. His thoughts were all over the place when he walked as fast as he could to the other side of the street.

The feeling that it was now or never crept under his skin and left goose bumps on his whole body. He hadn’t wanted to give in and come over, but when he saw the look on Willes face, his heart broke and the fact that he had invited him over said something as well. But besides that, Simon felt on edge and although he was outside, the space around him felt too small for him to breathe properly.

It made him think of the nights he had spent outside when he had been the victim of Oskars rage and or his dads abuse, choosing to leave the house rather than staying inside, no matter what kind of weather it was. It made him feel insecure and vulnerable and as much as he tried to accept that feeling, he didn’t like it at all.

Willes building was the same as his, so he easily found his way upstairs, taking the stairs two steps at the time. When he reached the corridor, he took a steadying breath, pushing his anger and panic away, readying himself for whatever was going to happen next.

He knocked and the door opened instantly, like Wille had been waiting just behind it.

‘Hey, thank you for coming,’ he said, ‘come in.’

Wille avoided eye contact and just stepped aside to let Simon in, who didn’t say a word either while entering.

The apartment looked a lot like his own, just arranged differently. The kitchen table stood in the same spot, but was square instead of round and was placed next to the kitchen. It was stacked with Willes laptop, a ton of school books and a dirty plate and mug. The kitchen itself was clean apart from the dishes. On the fridge were several pictures including Wille with Felice, Wille with some posh looking black haired boy and with an older boy Simon didn’t recognize either, but who looked enough like Wille that he assumed that it was probably Erik.

The living room contained a slightly less worn out couch than his own, a big armchair and a vintage looking side table. The book case next to it had a lot of pictures in it as well, this time accompanied with plants. There were a lot of plants, actually. There also was a little snow globe with a frog inside of it, standing near another picture of assumably his brother. Long story short, Simon loved the whole vibe as far as he could see.

‘Do you want anything?’ Wille offered, standing uncomfortable in the middle of the room, watching how Simon observed his surroundings.

Their eyes locked for the first time without the glass between them and up-close, Wille simply looked defeated. He couldn’t find another word for it. He looked like he hadn’t been taking care of himself, hair messed up, eyes tired with dark circles under them. His acne seemed worse than normal and he was wearing Simons too big, purple hoodie. It was then that Simon decided to hear him out. There must be more to this.

‘No, thanks. Just— an explanation would be nice.’

Wilhelm nodded. He padded over to the couch and sat down, pulling his knees up and streaked his hair backwards. Simon kicked off his shoes and sat down next to him, cross-legged, facing the other boy.

‘Well, first of all, thanks again for coming over, I really didn’t want to do this on the phone,’ he said, still not looking at Simon, sounding almost business-like. ‘I know you must be angry and disappointed and you really didn’t have to come, so I’m glad you did.’

Something was coming. Simon sensed it before Wille could say another word and he badly wanted to reach out to grab the boys hands to stop him from fumbling. He wanted to make it easier for him, but he couldn’t, not yet. The fed up feeling was still too close to the surface and he had to hear more before he could fix things. If there was anything left to fix.

‘I will tell you everything, just—, just don’t interrupt me, it’s easier that way.’

Simon just nodded, not daring to speak. He folded his hands together, trying to hide the nervousness he felt and held his breath in anticipation.

‘I— I haven’t told you all of it,’ Wille started, and Simon felt his stomach drop.

‘The thing is, after Erik died, I collapsed. The first few weeks were manageable, but soon after that, my parents decided that I was the one who had to be the “perfect son” from then on. We hadn’t always had the best relationship, but it really went down after my brother passed away.’

He swallowed heavily and started picking his nails, probably unconsciously. It took again everything of Simon to keep his own hands to himself and not entangle them with Willes.

‘So I started to look for things that would just made me forget about everything. I started going to parties a lot. It began with me only going to those on the weekends, but as soon as I realized how much better it made me feel, they became more and more frequent. There were weeks were I just partied every night, popping the pills my cousin gave me and making sure I drunk that much alcohol that I wouldn’t be sober when I woke up the next day.’

‘The funny thing is,’ and a bitter smile appeared on his face, ‘my parents didn’t even notice. When I was at home on the weekends, they only asked about uni or stuff like that. The only one who noticed eventually, was Felice.’

He thought for a bit before formulating the next sentence.

‘And I don’t want to blame my parents or anyone else, because it’s totally on me, but they never took my mental health serious, which really is one of the main reasons why it took so long before I went to a therapist.’

The slight changes in Willes features betrayed his emotions sometimes, but the way he kept talking and talking, like a machine almost, terrified Simon. Wille didn’t look at him, his attention fully on speaking and keeping his emotions at bay. A coping mechanism so he could tell the story to people without crying.

‘So when I hit rockbottom, didn’t go out any more, just lay in my bed for days on end, doing nothing but feeling miserable, Felice knocked on my door for like an hour and basically dragged me to the closest therapist.’

‘And I’m glad she did. She found a really good one, one who understood me and my coping mechanisms and didn’t write me off as an addict and for the first time I had a feeling that someone understood me. And since then, I have my weekly appointment, because there turned out to be a lot more to unpack.’

This time, Simon didn’t held back and reached out, tangling his hands with Willes, hoping to give the other boy a bit of reassurance this way. He remember seeing Wille on Thursday night behind his laptop, talking to someone, which had probably been his therapist and he was glad that he hadn’t made himself known that night.

‘God knows what would’ve happened if she hadn’t been there. I owe her so much. She literally kicked me to therapy every time I had a bad day and I could always call her. I can’t even imagine how hard it must have been for her.’

The look on Willes face turned into one of gratefulness and Simon almost couldn’t believe that he managed to think about how difficult it had been for Felice when his own year had been so tough.

Looking back on the short time they had spent together, Simon suddenly saw some signs that made sense now. The way he left the party early, feeling overwhelmed, the look close to defeat that had crossed his face on the day he had told him about Micke in the library. He suddenly found himself an idiot.

‘And then you bumped into me, and although it seemed to rain every time we met up, it really felt like the sun was starting to shine again.’

Simon blinked confusedly, he hadn’t expected to be involved just yet.

‘But then we spoke more often and I began to like you. Really like you. And you liked me back. I didn’t expect that, to be honest. But things developed and then I wanted to tell you everything, I really did, especially when I had opened up to you about Erik. But then your dad came into the picture and you had such a strong opinion on certain things and I just couldn’t comprehend and I chickened out.’

Wille quite the rambling just as sudden as he had started it and took a shaky breath. It was clear that he just wanted this part to be over.

‘We grew close so fast and I was really afraid that you would leave me because of all this,’ he said, almost whispering now, ‘that you would just walk away like so many people did. I couldn’t get myself to answer your texts anymore because I constantly felt either scared or that you deserved better than me.’

Simon felt the honesty of that last sentence in every fiber of his body and he noticed that he really needed to start breathing again as well. The finality of the story made him almost speak up, but as soon as he opened his mouth, Wille said one more thing.

‘I’m so fucking sorry, Simme.’

Wille was actually looking at him right now, sad, empty brown eyes boring into his. ‘Everything suddenly went so fast and it’s really not your fault but I got really anxious and—‘

‘It’s okay.’

‘What?’

‘It’s okay,’ Simon repeated, clearing his throat to steady his voice, remembering himself to be strong. The defeated look Wille had on his face for the whole conversation suddenly got a hint of hopefulness.

‘Honestly, this was fucked up,’ he continued, not shying away from sharing his feelings as well. Wille flinched a little at the harsh words and took his hands back, wrapping them around his knees again, making himself as small as possible.

‘But I get it. I get that you felt unsafe when you saw how I was responding to these kind of things.’

Simon tried to find the right words before he spoke again, wanting to express his feelings, but not make Wille feel even worse because of it.

‘I just wish—, I just wish you would’ve told me anything. Not even specifically this, but something so I wouldn’t have sent you all these texts and worried about you, us. Next time, just let me know when you need some space, but please, please don’t shut me out.’

And then, which to Simon felt as finally, Wille started to cry. Not a soft, subdued weeping, but long, hiccuping sobs, accompanied by hitched breathing and a lot of tears. Simon saw him crumble in front of his eyes, crying out all his stress, sadness, grief but also a hint of relief.

He reached out, this time making his way fully over to the crying boy, who lowered his legs and made a futile effort to wipe his face. Simon wrapped his arms around him, tucking him into his side and just sat like that. Letting Wille take his time to get it out of his system, while his own mind was spinning rapidly.

It wasn’t often that Simon didn’t know what to do, but this was one of those seldom moments. While he tried to console Wille, holding him tightly, muttering soothing words, he fought an inward conflict. He didn’t know if he could do this again. Not after his dad, not after Oskar. His heart ached for the boy in his arms and as much as he wanted to be with him and take care of him, his mind was reluctant, telling him to be careful and for once, he decided to listen to the last one.

After twenty minutes or so, he felt Wille take a shaky breath, body slumping a bit more against his own. As a reaction to that, Simon turned his head sideways, nuzzling into the crook of Willes neck. He had missed his scent, he realized. Especially mixed with his own. But now wasn’t the time for declarations of love.

‘You okay?’ he asked, lifting his head, softly caressing Willes cheek where the tears had now dried. All he received as an answer was a shrug and Simon decided that that was enough for tonight. They needed to properly talk about this, but not right now. Now wasn’t the time.

He lay his arm back around Willes shoulder, arm playing with his hair until Wille reached up and interlinked their fingers, exposing exactly the place where Micke had gripped him tightly yesterday.

‘What happened to your wrist?’ Wille asked, voice hoarse, letting his fingers run softly over the blue spot there and Simons heart skipped a beat.

‘Nothing,’ he said a bit too quickly, and tugged his sleeve back down. ‘Just ran into a shelf at work.’

Wille looked at him a bit too long for his liking but then returned to stare into the distance again. Simon breathed out softly, before returning to his caressing.

He didn’t really know how long they were sitting there, on Willes couch. While Wille was a lot calmer right now, Simon felt his own head exploding with thoughts and what was next. But his need for space didn’t win from his need to be there for Wille, and so he just sat there, feeling the other boy slowly sink more and more into his side.

‘You should get to bed, it’s been a long enough day,’ he said eventually, feeling himself getting drowsy as well.

Again, all Wille could get out of himself was a shrug. He was biting his thumbnail and Simon slowly reached out to get his hand away from his mouth, interrupting the nervous habit.

‘Hey, come on. I understand you don’t want to get up, but you get more rest in a proper bed.’

This time, he said it with more urgency, and he slowly pulled away from him, forcing Wille to keep himself upright. Simon got up for the couch and extended a hand to him, which he accepted thankfully. Simon kept their hands interlinked while leading them to the bathroom.

‘Go wash you face, okay, you’ll feel a little bit better. I’ll be waiting for you in your bedroom.’

Wille nodded before shuffling into the bathroom and didn’t even bother to close the door. Simon slowly turned around and opened the door to Willes bedroom.

As he had expected, the room was a mess. Blankets were thrown over each other and the bed in general looked like it hadn’t been made in days. Simon suppressed a sigh and went to work.

He folded the loose blankets, stacking them neatly next to the wardrobe. He then fluffed up the pillows and rearranged them the bed. Lastly, Simon shook up the beddings, making the whole bed look soft and welcoming again. And then he waited, listening to the sounds of Wille in the bathroom.

When Wille reappeared, his eyes were red rimmed and puffy from the crying and the lack of some good rest. His hair was a proper mess and he looked like he would fall asleep just standing there.

‘I made the bed, I hope that’s okay?’ he spoke up, keeping things as light as possible for the both of them.

Wille managed a soft smile, looking everywhere but into Simons eyes.

‘Yeah, thank you.’

There was a sincerity into Willes words that made him shiver. The feeling of wanting to make him feel better overwhelmed him and all he wanted to do was hold the other boy and make it all go away.

‘Get in then.’

He scooted over from where he was sitting, making space for Wille to get under the covers. He watched him curl himself into a ball, making himself as small as possible, wrapping his arms around himself.

‘Wille…’

The silence between them got a little heavier. Wille turned his head slightly and their eyes locked properly again for the first time since his breakdown.

‘You have nothing to be ashamed of, okay? Please believe me when I tell you that. I don’t know how this feels, but I think that all this right now is a more than logical reaction.’

Simon send him a pleading look, and Wille just looked at him, studying his features, waiting for whatever he was going to say next.

‘And yes, it was a shitty situation between the two of us, and I really felt like shit, but I understand for as far as I can understand something like this. And I forgive you, if that helps.’

New tears left Willes eyes and at this point Simon didn’t even understand how he had any of those left. They fell onto the pillow and Wille blinked a few times, as if wanting them to go away.

‘Is there anything I can do for you?’ he asked, and he felt Willes eyes searching his face again.

‘Will you— will you stay?’ Wille mumbled, avoiding his eyes again.

Simon swallowed thickly, knowing that he had to say no. Knowing that that would be the best choice. Apparently Wille sensed his hesitance because he spoke up again.

‘You don’t have, I’m sorry, I—‘

‘Wille, don’t. I’ll stay.’

He clenched his jaw, silently calling himself out for overstepping his own boundaries, but he just couldn’t leave Wille like this. He simply couldn’t. And so he moved to the other side of the bed, lifted the covers and slipped underneath them.

As soon as he lay down, Wille scooted over, searching for physical contact again. In response, Simon lifted his arm, smiling softly when Wille got under it and pulled him closer.

‘Do you have plans for tomorrow?’ Simon asked softly, ‘because I’ll probably be away when you wake up because of work.’

‘I’m meeting my parents, they texted me if I wanted to come over, but that’s it.’

‘Do you want me to come over after work?’

He felt Wille nod his head against him.

‘Thank you,’ he then whispered, snuggling closer to Simons chest.

‘Thank you for telling me, it’s going to be okay.’

And then silence fell over them. Simon sensed that Wille fell asleep within seconds after that, but for himself, it took way longer before his mind finally shut up.

 

Simon quickly shut off his alarm the next morning, barely able to roll over because of how close Wille was laying to him. His ashy hair was splayed on the pillow and his cheek was pressed against Simons chest. All the worry and anxiety seemed to have disappeared and it was good to see his face so relaxed again. It made him look younger.

He, unlike Wille, felt like he had aged thirty years overnight. He slowly untangled himself from the other boy, rubbing his tired eyes in the process before stumbling out of the bedroom. Even though the layout of the apartment was almost the same, he felt kind of lost when he made his way into the kitchen. He almost felt like an intruder, probably because of all the personal touches Wille had made for himself.

His goal was to be as quiet as possible. Wille had set his own alarm so he would wake up in time for the meet-up with his parents, and for now, all Simon wanted was for him to rest.

He sat down at the table with a glass of juice, waiting for his toast to pop out. A quick breakfast would do for today. He allowed his mind to go over last nights events, going over the mechanical way Wille spoke to the breakdown to the way he acted when they went to bed.

He also took some time to think about all the signs he had missed. The joke he had made about not dying any time soon, but also the way Wille had turned quiet more and more lately. Like his mind had been somewhere else.

It made a lot of sense that Wille had chickened out, especially after the way Simon had voiced his opinion that day in the library, and he wished that he hadn’t said anything. Thinking of the whole situation with his dad made him nauseous and he shook his head to make the thoughts go away.

After finished his breakfast, he ran over to his own apartment to grab his things and went to work. He texted Sara on his way to let her know that things had escalated yesterday night in a good and bad way but that he was fine and would update her later.

He had also left Wille a sweet good luck note for the day, telling him it’s all okay and asking him to let him know if he still wanted him to come over tonight.

The rest of the day was way too busy for Simon to think about his personal life, and maybe that was for the best. He let himself get buried in his work, the customers and the cleaning and by the end of the day he was exhausted, both physically and mentally.

On his walk home, he checked his phone and saw that Sara had texted him back, asking him to call her whenever he had time for it, which he decided to do so right now. It only went over twice before she picked up.

‘Simme, hey!’

He felt himself exhale as soon as he heard her voice.

‘Hej.’

‘Are you okay?’

It was a good thing Simon was almost inside his apartment when he decided to call, because he suddenly felt the overwhelming urge to cry.

‘I-, I think so, yes, it was just a lot, I think.’

He hated how his voice broke a little and took a deep breath to steady it.

‘We talked it out and you were right, there was more to it than we knew, than I knew.’ Simon let a silence fall, doubting between telling Sara everything or keeping it to himself because Wille probably didn’t want everyone to know.

‘Do you want to share it?’ Sara asked carefully. Simon nodded, knowing that she wouldn’t be able to see that and reacted with a quick ‘yes’.

He told her the basic, simple version of last nights story. Not oversharing anything too personal and also keeping his own boundaries tight about how he felt. He could deal with that later.

‘Shit, Simme, I don’t even know what to say?’

‘Yeah, I know, it’s fine, just wanted to give you a heads-up.’

‘Are you gonna see him tonight?’ she asked, worry lacing her voice.

‘Yeah, after dinner, so I have some time for myself right now,’ Simon answered truthfully.

‘Please do take that time to relax, okay? I know how badly you probably want to fix this, but please take care of yourself in the process as well.’

‘I will, don’t worry,’ he said, slightly uncomfortable on how well Sara was able to read him even through a phone. They said their goodbyes and Simon let himself fall down on his couch, quitting the pacing he had done while calling.

Admittedly, he was tired. Last night had also taken a toll on him. His own emotions had been all over the place even though he hadn’t showed them to Wille. He was glad that he had said what he wanted to say and he was sure they’d make it out together, but he still felt so bad for the other boy for going through something like this.

He laid there for a while. Thinking about everything. Thinking about the fact that he should open up as well, although he really, really didn’t want to. But first and foremost, he hoped Wille was doing slightly okay.

He was just doing his dishes before he heard his phone making the ping he had been waiting for.

Wille: [18:24]
If you still wanna come over, I’m all ready!

Simon couldn’t even remember the last time when he had been so relieved after receiving a text. God, he was glad Wille was done with the shutting out thing that had went on between the two of them. He quickly responded that he would finish up the dishes and would be over in fifteen.

He had changed out of his work clothes and dressed up in more casual jeans and a sweater since it was still unbelievably cold for the time of the year. Plus, he still didn’t have his coat and hadn’t had time to buy a new one yet.

He quickly looked over his messy apartment, table full of books, dirty plates on top of them and on the counter. The surroundings showed the deadline closing in on him, and again, he just chose to ignore it. As he had repeatedly told himself time after time today, this was more important. He would do better under more pressure anyways.

Ignoring the mess, he locked his door and went over to Willes place, still not entirely used to the fact that they didn’t always have to meet at his anymore.

He waited in the corridor in front of the door, where Wille thank god apparently didn’t always wait behind like he had last evening. A tired but slightly more stable looking Wille opened the door.

‘Hej, come in,’ Wille said, giving him a tiny smile before stepping aside to let him in.

‘Hi,’ he responded, smiling back while stepping over the threshold. ‘Can I give you a hug?’

The other boy nodded, stepping closer to him as some sort of confirmation and Simon curled his arms around him, feeling Willes fingers grasp the back of his sweater tightly.

They unwrapped and Simon followed Wille into the living room. They sat down on the couch together, both of them taking the same spot as they did yesterday.

‘Do you wanna share anything about today, or shall I tell you about my day?’ Simon asked, opening the conversation, but letting Wille decide the topic.

‘You can go first, I’m not really in the mood to talk about it right now.’

Simon nodded, he hadn’t really expected anything else seeing how long it had taken Wille in the first place to open up to him and how anxious he had felt about it. So instead, he started talking about how he had tried to be as quiet as possible this morning, checking if the other boy really hadn’t noticed him leave and then started telling him about his day at work and how big of a workload he had waiting for him.

‘Yeah, I wanted to ask, how is your essay going?’ Wille interrupted him, and Simon almost wanted to lie.

‘Well, honestly, not too well,’ he said, pulling his sleeves over his hands. ‘There was just a lot going on these days so I’m on it, but it’s a lot.’

He saw a slight change in Willes features, something close to guilt and he quickly spoke up, making sure he sounded light.

‘How’s your thesis going?’

‘Well, we already did a lot of the work in the study sessions we had before—, well you know. But that’s going to be fine as well, I think.’

‘Maybe we could pick those up again, if you’re up for it?’ Simon asked, making it sound casual, as if nothing had ever disrupted those in the first place.

‘That would be the best, because I need an eye on me so I won’t get distracted.’

‘You don’t find me distracting anymore?’ Simon smirked and Wille let out a chuckle, making him realize just how much he had missed that sound.

‘Do you want a cup of tea?’ Wille asked suddenly, back popping when he got up.

‘Uh, yeah sure,’ Simon answered, following the boy with his eyes when he padded to the counter to put on the kettle and grab some mugs and teabags.

While rummaging through the cupboards, he started talking about his day and Simon just sat there and listened. Apparently he needed to do something to be able to talk about it for the second time that day and that was totally fine with him. He was just glad Wille felt safe enough with him now to open up.

He studied Willes movements, which were precise and clear, as if those were keeping him grounded and in the moment right now. He didn’t look up once, but his tone wasn’t as robotic as it had been last night.

Once he was done, walked over to the couch again, steaming cups in both of his hands. ‘So overall, it was a good day, draining and emotional, but way less bad than I had imagined.’

He averted his eyes at that, almost looking slightly embarrassed and Simon presumed he felt bad for overreacting and so he finally opened his mouth again.

‘That’s okay, you know, that it turned out less bad. Sometimes the anticipation is just far worse than the thing itself.’

Wille smiled at him, a smile that not quite reached his eyes this time and sat back down next to him.

‘Do you think it will get better?’

Simon swallowed at the almost childish question. He had no idea, really.

‘As long as you don’t try to do it alone, I think so, yes.’

Simon glanced at him, trying to gauge the boy next to him, but the other boy was looking at the picture on the fridge. A sigh escaped him before Simon felt Willes head drop in the crook of his neck. He let his own head fall on top of his and together, they just sat like that, letting their thoughts wash over themselves until Wille spoke up again.

‘Simon?’

Simon lifted his head, turning slightly towards Wille. The lack of the usual nickname showed that something serious was coming.

‘Why did you come back today?’ Wille asked quietly.

‘Why not?’ Simon responded, almost a bit too quick. Why did this question keep following him?

‘No, but really. Any other guy would’ve ran away after someone ignored him for three full days and yet you are still here.’

Simon shrugged, trying to hide the obvious sore spot Wille had touched right now. Sara had probably asked him exactly this question a million times and so had Ayub and Rosh.

‘Because I couldn’t just leave you like that, now could I?’

Willes soft brown eyes searched his face. ‘Yes, you could.’

It came out a little harsher than Wille had probably meant but Simon couldn’t suppress a flinch.

‘And it would’ve been okay, because you don’t deserve to be hurt,’ Wille continued, softer this time, laying his hand on his wrist, right on top of the blue spot, although he probably didn’t remember that.

‘It’s okay, really,’ Simon said, upturning his hand, so they could interlink their fingers. ‘We’ll just take it slow.’

‘Are you still up for it..?’

The question was almost a whisper and sounded so insecure that Simons heart clenched. He turned to face the Wille, looking him straight in the eye.

‘I am. I really, really am.’

Notes:

My boys :((((
Truly can't wait to hear your thoughts about it!!
Next update will be on saturday <3

Chapter 9: starry night

Summary:

And he had been sad, he had felt it in his chest, like a burning sensation around his heart, tearing at him. But he had also felt relieved because of the conversation he and Simon had had yesterday. The burden was less now.

Notes:

Hi! We're building up to something here and I can't wait for you all to find out what is going to happen next. I hope you like the new chapter and thanks again for all the love I have received so far!!

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

When Wille had woken up that morning, without Simon next to him, that is, he still felt better. He had smiled to himself, but guilt had washed over him as soon as he realized that he felt okay today. Today had to be about Erik, right? And wasn’t he supposed to be sad?

And he had been sad, he had felt it in his chest, like a burning sensation around his heart, tearing at him. But he had also felt relieved because of the conversation he and Simon had had yesterday. The burden was less now.

The day had flown by, actually, and Simon had only just left. He had now swapped his living room couch for his bed and was laying on top of the covers, feet dangling over the edge. On his night stand was the note Simon had left for him that morning.

Today is gonna be okay, good luck. I’ll be thinking of you and let me know if you’re still up for tonight.
x Simme

Behind his name was a tiny drawn heart and every time Wille looked at it, his heart fluttered. He was going to keep this note somewhere safe for the rest of his life.

Letting his thoughts wander over the day, he decided to call Felice. She’d probably want an update and he’d rather she heard everything from him than from Sara.

He hauled himself in a more proper position and then called her. The phone only went over once before she picked up.

‘Hej, Wille, are you okay?’ Felices voice came through the speaker and when her face appeared on the screen, he saw that she had a worried look in her eyes.

‘Hi, yeah, don’t worry,’ he said honestly, ‘I just wanted to give you an update.’

A frown appeared on her face and she nodded. ‘Okay, tell me everything.’

And he did exactly that. He picked up where they had left off, with Felice leaving his apartment yesterday afternoon and went into a detailed explanation of everything that had happened. He actually surprised himself with how much he remembered. It wouldn’t have been the first time that he failed to recall certain events due to his mental state.

‘Shit, Wille, I told you so! Please keep Simon?’

Felice threw her hands in the air in exasperation when Willes story eventually came to an end.

‘So many others would have walked away in an instant, so please keep him?’

‘I know,’ Wille said thoughtfully, thinking back to their conversation. ‘I sometimes feel like I don’t even deserve him, to be honest. He is so purely good? I mean, if I were him, I think I would’ve ran away by now to never return and yet he is still there.’

Felice nodded consenting.

‘Sara always says that she has the feeling that she has to protect him, you know? From the world but also for himself, if that makes sense?’ she added and for some reason, that totally did to him.

He nodded, mulling over the fact how someone could be so careless about himself in order to be there for others.

‘But are you guys okay now?’ Felice asked, frown returning to her face.

‘Yeah,’ Wille nodded, ‘I think we are. Like, we do have a lot to talk about, but we’re getting there, I suppose.’

‘Okay. Okay, that’s good.’

They rounded up their call and Felice told him she was actually proud of him for calling her, for once, and then they hung up.

Wille made himself more comfortable again and right before he fell asleep, he promised himself one thing. He had to protect Simon from himself and he would never, never hurt that boy again.

 

Simme: [18:34]
hey, wanna come over to my place tonight?

Yesterday, Wille had declined. He had had a shit day and the fact that he had made himself something to eat at night, had been enough. Although he had told Simon everything, he still didn’t want him to see him like that too often.

He also still didn’t know where Simon stood on all this. As friendly and open the other boy seemed, there was a part of him that he kept a secret, with sky-high walls around it. Wille didn’t want to force those walls down, but he definitely wondered what was going on in the other boys head since that night.

But he had texted him back, as promised, that time. That he wasn’t feeling too well, his anxiety nagging at him before sending it. But Simon had only responded full of love and support, telling him to take care and to sleep well.

Today however, he couldn’t wait for Simon to finish work and as soon as he received the message, he opened the chat to answer.

Wilhelm: [18:35]
Sure :)

Let me clean up and I’ll be on my way

Simme: [18:35]
dress warmly <3

A smile creeped onto his face and he quickly dumped his plate in the sink, the dishes could wait, and went to fetch his coat and scarf. Since he had gone to his parents a few days back, he had gotten his checkered scarf again. He had forgotten how much he liked it and it fit perfectly with his coat, so he was definitely wearing it right now.

After locking up, he walked across the street and before he knew it, he was in front of Simons door.

‘Hej,’ Simon said as soon as he opened the door, a secretive smile on his face.

‘Hi,’ Wille said, taking a step forward to enter.

But instead of letting him in, Simon closed the door behind him, a blanket and a lighter in his arms.

‘Are we leaving?’ he asked, wondering if he hadn’t read the text properly.

‘Not really, just follow me,’ Simon answered before walking past him and Wille couldn’t do anything else then follow him.

They took the stairs up and when they couldn’t go any further, Simon stopped and opened a door which looked like it wasn’t supposed to be opened. But he didn’t seem to care, so Wille just followed him.

The cold wind hit him square in the face when he stepped up on the roof and he shivered, hiding himself a little more in his coat. Simon led him to a tiny hideaway, sheltering some chairs and a small bench from the wind. On a wobbly looking side table stood a couple of candles in jars.

The sky was dark, soft clouds weaved through the stars and half of the moon was just visible. It was the perfect mixture between clear and cloudy and Wille couldn’t help but feel connected to the state of the universe right now. They sat down and Simon threw the blanket over them when he was done lighting the candles, smiling knowingly.

A sigh escaped Wille when they looked at the sky in perfect silence, cars just hearable in the distance. He just couldn’t wrap his head around how much effort Simon was making for him. He had literally straight up ignored him for three days.

Yes, they talked had talked about it, well, he had said a lot of things, but that was about it and yet, he was still here, lighting candles and making him feel better.

The air between them was light though, and after some mulling, he decided to just ask.

‘Simon?’

A chuckle left Simons mouth as it always did when Wille used his full name. His breath made a tiny cloud of its own, adding to the cold air.

‘You said you needed time to think, you know, that night.’

He hoped he didn’t need to make it more specific than that and to his relief, Simon nodded.

‘Did you? Think, I mean,’ he finished, hating how awkward it sounded.

‘Oh—‘

‘You don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to?’ he said carefully when Simon didn’t continue.

‘It’s just— a lot? And I don’t really know where to start.’

Simon started pulling his sleeves over his hands, something he did when he wasn’t sure of himself, as Wille had noticed by now.

‘But I want to,’ he continued, ‘and I have to if this gets any further, you deserve to know.’

God, Simon was way ahead of him, Wille thought while giving Simon his full attention.

‘So the thing is, my dad’s kind of a drunk. And that wasn’t a very nice period of time.’

‘Shit,’ Wille whispered.

Since the night with the texts and the quick glance he got of the man he had expected something about their bond not being too good, but he hadn’t expected something like this.

‘Yeah,’ Simon sighed, ‘I know.’

‘I don’t really want to talk about that now, though,’ he continued, averting his eyes from Willes and watched the night sky again.

‘But at the start of uni, I fell in love with this boy, Oskar. We were the perfect match, or so I thought. Because he turned out to be the exact same as my dad. The drinking, the partying, the constant push and pull of affection and hate, which made me feel like I would never be enough.’

Simons face darkened a little at the probable memories flashing through his head and Wille held his breathe until he continued.

‘It took ages for me to see that. To understand that he used me. He only called when he needed me, never took me out and got angry with me, a lot. And whenever he was, it wasn’t fun.’

Simon let a silence fall and Wille gathered his thoughts, now realizing how shitty the whole situation actually had been for Simon. He didn’t know back then, but knowing now made it even worse, for some reason.

‘So you can imagine what was going through my head that night, when I was over at your place,’ Simon said, and Wille blinked in confusion at the leap the story took.

‘I was angry and confused and hurt. But I had also talked to Sara and Felice and I think we have to thank them. Because without me talking to them first, I wouldn’t have come over and stayed the night.’

Wille nodded, bringing his hand towards his mouth to bite his thumbnail but Simon caught him halfway, holding his hand with his own. Soft fingers started to trace his palm, his nails and the edges of his fingers and Simon started talking again.

‘It’s just, I tend to give second chances very easily, even after people shit on me. And even after the second one going wrong as well, I give people a third and a fourth and so on… even if they don’t deserve one.’

This was just what Wille expected from the boy. It didn’t surprise him one bit, because as Felice had confirmed, he truly was a giver. Someone who wanted the best for everything, even if that meant diminishing his own needs. That’s why he didn’t walk away, why he decided to stay. And now it was up to Wille to prove him that he made the right choice.

‘And Sara always looks out for me, and I’m trying to set better boundaries, but especially in situations like these, it’s still very hard. So yeah, that’s basically what I had to think about.’

Wille nodded, keeping silent a bit longer, making sure Simon was truly done with his story.

’So, what about us?’

The carefully asked question hung between them, Simon still tracing patterns on Willes hands, the air transforming into tiny clouds with every breath they took.

‘I think with you, it was a one time thing—‘

Willes eyes widened.

‘The way you acted I mean,’ Simon quickly added, squeezing his fingers reassuringly, ‘because like you said, you had shit going on.’

‘But still,’ Wille interrupted, ‘it was still shitty of me.’

Simon nodded.

‘But you realize that, and that’s enough for me. Because I really like what we have.’

A shy look crossed the face of the curly haired boy as he flicked his eyes down. It was a look which Wille hadn’t seen before. He smiled, squeezing back and Simon looked up again.

By the looks of it, he seemed lighter, as if a weight had fallen off his shoulders now that he had told Wille what had been on his mind. Softly, he pulled on the sleeve of Willes coat and he connected their lips in the middle.

Wille let out a startle sound and he felt Simon chuckle against his lips. A mix between happiness and relief filled the air around them and Wille pulled Simon a little bit closer.

One hand slipped into Simons curls, feeling the soft hair tickle his fingers, the other one found its way onto Simons back, the cloth of his hoodie soft and comforting. Meanwhile, Simons arms were around his neck and he let Simon take the lead, parting and connecting their lips over and over.

Simon was the first who had to catch his breath. He slowly pulled back before Wille halted him, pressing their noses together. Wille quickly pecked him on the lips again, which drew another chuckle out of Simon and it truly was his favorite sound of the entire world.

The blanket had pooled in their laps and they straightened it again, Simon snuggling a bit closer to Wilhelm this time. Wille rested his arm over Simons shoulder and let Simons body warmth heath him up.

They fell back into their easy small talk. Wille loved how they could talk for hours about everything and nothing. The way it went from deep to casual and from funny to sad. And when silence fell over them, neither felt uncomfortable or the need to fill it. The thing that actually interrupted them, were wet drops from a big gray cloud above their head.

‘Of course,’ Simon groaned, burying himself even deeper into Willes arm as if that would shelter him from the rain.

‘Time for tea?’ Wille suggested, moving to the front of the wooden bench, his back stiff from sitting in the same position.

‘Yeah, let’s go inside before it gets worse,’ Simon said, getting up to blow out the candles and then gathered the lighter and the blanket again.

 

Simons apartment was warm and, to Willes surprise, a mess. Papers were laying all over the table, the couch and the keyboard in the corner. His schoolbooks were littered over all the possible places and the counter was stacked with dishes.

‘Sorry about the mess,’ Simon said, cheeks flustered.

‘Don’t worry about it, can I move things or?’

‘No, no,’ Simons responded almost too quickly, ‘it’s all in some kind of order.’

Wille turned to face him, lifting his eyebrow and Simon laughed.

‘Believe me,’ he said, ‘it is.’

‘I’ll make the tea then,’ Wille chuckled, moving into the kitchen so Simon could reorganize his creative process.

He busied himself with filling the kettle and getting the teabags from the cupboard. He then when on a search for clean mugs and found one next to sink. In order to get another one from on top of the fridge, he raised on his tiptoes and reached for it, causing the first mug to slip through his fingers while doing so.

It smashed to the floor, breaking into pieces and scattered across the parquet.

‘Shit, Wille!’ Simon called out and Wille looked around, just in time to see Simon move his hands away from his head, as if he had been protecting himself.

‘Please be careful?!’

Wille looked from the other boy to the shards around him. Not sure what to do. Had Simon really just shouted at him?

‘I’m sorry,’ he whispered, returning his gaze towards Simon.

Simon took a shaky breath, before speaking again.

‘No, shit, I’m sorry, Wille,’ he said, a little tremble in his voice.‘It just scared me, I’m sorry for shouting.’

Simon then crouched a started to pick up one of the bigger pieces close to him. He weighed it in his hand almost doubtingly before opening the trashcan and throwing the shard in it.

‘Let me get a dustpan.’

He watched Simon walk into the hallway. Something had shifted, he could feel it. It hung heavy in the air between them and it didn’t get lighter when Simon returned, dustpan in his hand.

In silence, they retrieved all the pieces, the sound of the water being boiled the only thing hearable. When finished, Wille quietly rinsed one of the mugs he found on the kitchen table and filled both of them with the warm water.

He stared at the water changing colour, turning into tea and went to put them on the side table near the couch, careful not to spill anything on Simons stack of papers.

Behind him, the other boy closed the trashcan and put the dustpan away. When he walked back into the room, his shoulders tensed up just a bit, as if he was scared for Willes reaction.

’Simme..?’

‘Yeah, I’m coming,’ came the mumbled respons.

As soon as he was in reach, Wille softly tugged his arm and wrapped his arms around him. He buried himself into the curls and felt Simon nuzzle into his neck, the earlier tension seeping away.

‘What did I do to deserve this?’ Simon asked, tone still tense.

‘Just felt like you needed it,’ Wille answered simply, sitting down on the now paper-free couch, pulling Simon with him.

‘I’m sorry,’ Simon said again, ‘I’m just a bit stressed.’

Wille looked at him, trying to gauge if there was more to come, but Simon didn’t continue. And so he hummed confirmatory, letting Simon know that he didn’t have to say anything else. That he didn’t have to apologize. But he was sure there was more to this.

 

The week went on and every day, he forced himself to go outside again. No, he didn’t always enjoy it, and no, he didn’t always want to, but he knew he had to get back out again. Get on with his life. He and Simon had picked up on their almost daily meetups and excessive texting again and it felt like everything was back to normal.

He was actually proud of himself for opening up so soon, really talking to Simon instead of just shutting him out again. That last option would have been so much easier, but he didn’t, and that was something good.

Simon, on the other hand, was the one who was more reserved right now. It didn’t necessarily feel like he held something back, but he just felt off, imbalanced, to Wille. This morning, Simon had had his feedback meeting with one of his professors and after a quick and shorter than normal update, Wille decided to just go out and see him.

It was one of those days with freezing cold weather, but a blue sky and a watery sun. The cold bit into his cheeks and he wore his warmest coat with his checkered scarf again. With his hands buried deep into his pockets, he made his way towards the city, only taking a slight detour through the park this time.

Having arrived at the shop where Simon worked, he ordered two coffees, asking Ayub to make Simons favorite. The wait for the steaming cups wasn’t long and soon he was back on track to the library.

When he entered the place, he almost immediately spotted Simon, sitting at the table where they had met last time as well. There was a frown on his face and his whole posture radiated stress and worry. Wille felt like he hadn’t been totally honest when he had asked him how his essay was going.

Wille climbed the stairs quickly, making sure to hold the coffees upright as to not to spill anything and plopped down in the chair next to Simon, softly nudging his shoulder.

Simon startled out of his concentration and his eyes widened when he saw who was next to him.

‘Thought you could use a coffee,’ Wille said, a slightly amused smile creeping on his face as he saw all different kinds of feelings move over Simons face.

‘I asked Ayub to make your favorite.’

‘You are a true hero, you know that?’ Simon thankfully took one of the cups from Willes hands, taking a throat-burning sip.

‘Are you doing okay?’ he asked, trying not to let the worry he felt shimmer through his voice.

‘I guess, it’s just a lot and I knew it would be a lot but I wasn’t prepared that it would be this much, if that’s making any sense?’

Wille nodded and reached out to interlink their fingers under the table. Simons hand was cold from the typing on his laptop and Wille moved his other hand as well to warm up the frozen fingers.

‘So, what brings you here? Other than making sure I don’t get decaffeinated,’ Simon asked, eyes curious.

‘I promised my therapist to go out more often and your texts sounded a little bit off, so that combined is a fantastic excuse to see you again.’

Wille smiled cheekily at him, trying to get the message through that Simon didn’t have to apologize for this short texts. But he did anyways.

‘I’m sorry, Wille, I—‘

‘Don’t be, let me know if you want to talk about it, okay?’

Simon nodded, muttering a ‘thank you’ before returning his gaze towards his laptop again. Wille noticed that he needed to work on, but didn’t want to say so.

‘I’ll leave you alone again,’ he said, getting up from his chair, only to have Simon pull him back down.

‘Stay?’

‘Sure,’ he smiled, and sat back down again, picking up one of the books Simon wasn’t using and started to flick through it. He felt the other boy look at him, observing his features as if he was considering something before he went back to his work again.

Willes thoughts weren’t really with the textbook. They were with Simon. There was something tired in his brown eyes today. It seemed like things kept piling up for him. First the whole thing between them, now the feedback he didn’t want to talk about. He didn’t feel like forcing him to talk about it, or prying, but sooner or later he’d have start a conversation about it. He wanted to show him that he didn’t have to do it all by himself.

Time flew by though, at least for him, and he just watched Simon study, observing the tiny movements he made while doing so. Pulling his sleeves over his hands when reading something over, leaning on his arm, fingers touching a stray curl, biting the inside of his cheek or his lips.

When a deep sigh emerged from him, Wille looked up, trying to get eye contact with him.

‘Let’s just go home, it’ll just never be good enough anyways.’

There was an empty look on Simons normally optimistic face and it made Wille heart ache.

‘Maybe you have to let it sink in for a bit?’ he offered, not sure how to make Simon feel better right now.

‘Yeah, maybe…’

Simon stared off in the distance, thoughts obviously somewhere else.

‘Are you spacing out on me?’

‘No-, yes-, I’m sorry. Just a long day.’

‘I thought I was the only one who spaced out from the two of us,’ Wille chuckled at him and this finally drew a tiny smile out of the other boy.

He saw this as a mission accomplished and he got up, pulling his coat back on again. Simon gathered his books and pushed them into his backpack. Then, he walked away to put some back on their shelves and Wille waited for him to return.

‘Ready,’ he said when he returned, zipping up his bag.

‘Simon, where’s your coat?’

‘Oh, uh, I forgot it somewhere,’ Simon answered, not meeting his eyes.

‘Did you walk all the way here without it in this weather?’ Wille asked, eyes going wide at just the thought of it.

Simon nodded slowly. As Wille thought of it now, he hadn’t had it on him the night on the roof as well. He had been wearing a warm hoodie and they had sat underneath a blanket the whole time, yes, but this, this was something else.

‘It’s literally freezing outside!’

‘Believe me, I know,’ Simon answered shortly, and Wille swallowed, a little taken aback. At this point, he was sure Simon was not telling him a couple of things, but he decided to let it slip for now.

‘At least take my scarf?’ Wille said, already unwrapping it from his own neck. Simon opened his mouth to protest but Wille quickly threw it over Simons head, pulling him in and pecked him on his lips.

‘Just take it.’

Simons eyes grew wide and what felt like finally, a proper smile broke through on his face. Wille couldn’t hide his blush any more and after quickly scanning the area, he interlinked their hands and pulled Simon towards the exit.

 

The week dragged on, but his meetups with Simon were the lights that kept Wille going. Slowly, he got back to himself, feeling better, anxiety leaving his body and a comfortableness settled in instead.

He had picked up his research again and it was going well. On Thursday he had talked to his therapist in an almost happy manner and he knew she saw the progress as well. And with the weekend around the corner now, he couldn’t be more excited since he had actually plans for once.

He was going to pick Simon up from work and then they would have a nice little dinner together. After that, they would have all the time in the world because Simon had the whole weekend off and had promised to not work on his essay on Saturday, so they could just spend the day together. After checking twice if he was really okay with the essay part, the deadline was getting closer now, he agreed and he couldn’t wait.

So when he walked into the cafe on Friday, at one o’clock sharp, he had expected to see a smiling Simon waiting for him, ready to leave and start their carefree date.

But instead, a man who he had only seen once before was hanging half over the counter, clenching a winter coat in one of his balled fists and Simons collar in the other.

Simons father.

And without thinking he started pushing his way through the people who had surrounded the scene, just as Ayub came running from the back.

Notes:

I APOLOGIZE FOR THE ENDING but boy oh boy, shit is about to go down...
Can't wait to hear all your thoughts about this new chapter and some of the new tunes it took!!

Chapter 10: broken mugs

Summary:

Simon knew that Wille felt something was off lately. And this time, it was entirely his fault.

Notes:

The long awaited chapter 10 is finally here! Grab yourself a warm blanket, some chocolate and a box of tissues because you will certainly need that comfort. I will be waiting in the comments or on twitter to give you a hug if you've made it through the chapter.
Tw's: physical abuse, alcohol, medication and a lot of hurt in general.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Simon knew that Wille felt something was off lately. And this time, it was entirely his fault. Everything was just a bit too much. After their talk on the roof, he had let go of most of his walls when Wille was around him, trusting him more and more every day. He truly felt the honesty from the other boy right now and he liked being around him a lot.

But he also noticed that Wille was picking up signs no one else ever had before. The missing coat for example, or the fact that he seemed a little zoned. These were tiny things that Oskar had never seemed to care about, and yet Wille did, asking him questions, being attentive. And he liked that, but he also had to get used to it, as he didn’t like to be vulnerable.

So the talk on the roof was one thing. But situation with his father was beginning to get unbearable as well. His texts kept getting in almost nonstop and Simon had by now muted the chat, not wanting to be distracted by it every time he got one, especially with Wille around him. And not to mention the fact that his essay deadline was closing in on him as well.

It all constantly made his brain buzz, thoughts tumbling over each other without a break all the time while he tried to keep smiling. But Wille was there for him, and he probably didn’t even realize how much that kept him grounded right now.

‘Simme? I’m going to take my lunch break right now, and then you’re free to go,’ Ayub announced, appearing next to him.

Simon jumped the tiniest bit as he had been lost in thought, which drew a sympathetic smile out of his boss and best friend.

‘Please take some rest this weekend, okay? Enjoy your time with rain boy, make the best of it, you deserve that.’

Ayub always had the tendency to say a lot with little words and just by phrases like these, he let Simon know that he cared. He had learned by now that if there was really something Simon wanted to share, he’d come to him, and like this, he just let him know that he knew something was up and that he was there for him if he was ready to share.

‘I will, I will, don’t worry about me,’ he said, plastering a smile on his face, and he waved Ayub off to the back.

People came and went and he busied himself with making coffees and cleaning up. He, for once, couldn’t wait to get away, ready to spend his days off with Wille by his side. He had even worked a bit harder so he could take the whole Saturday off from working on his essay as well and he couldn’t remember the last time he looked forward to spending time with someone this much. He smiled to himself, toweling some mugs dry before looking up to welcome his new costumer.

His smile faltered instantly. He looked straight in the face of his father, and he didn’t look too good today.

Shit shit shit.

Simon breathed in, and then slowly released his breath again. He was going to act like Micke was just another customer. He could do this.

‘Hej, dad, can I get you anything?’ he said, failing to keep the slightest tremble out of his voice.

‘You could do better and answer my fucking texts,’ Micke spat to him, not even bothering to keep his voice down and from the corner of his eyes he saw some people on the table closest to the counter turn around.

‘I’m sorry, I was really busy and—‘

‘Don’t talk shit.

Simon ducked his head at the aggressive tone his father used.

‘You should be glad that at least I make the effort to come see you. I even brought your coat.’

He held up Simons big, gray winter coat, but at this point, Simon couldn’t care less. All he wanted was for his dad to leave before things escalated in this very, very public place.

‘Oh yeah, thank you,’ he said, clearing his throat before continuing, ‘I was going to text you when I could pick it up.’

‘Liar,’ Micke called out, leaning on the counter right now and Simon could smell the alcohol in his breath. Shit.

‘Dad, please,’ he almost begged, ‘please stop doing this, I’m working.’

‘Does it look like I care?’ Micke hissed, keeping his voice dangerously low now.

‘You only care about yourself, Simon. I can’t believe you made me come all the way over here, just because you couldn’t respond to any of my texts.’

‘I’m sorry,’ he brought out, but it was too late.

‘I said, don’t talk shit!’

His fathers voice raised again and before he knew it, a big hand grabbed him by his collar, ribs slamming hard into the counter. He heard the faint bell of someone entering the shop and people moved from their chairs, closing in on them.

Before he could say or do anything, a pair of strong but familiar hands pulled him back from behind and Willes face popped up behind Micke, trying to drag his father away from the counter.

‘Of course you’re on his side,’ Micke shouted at Ayub, now recognizing him. He tried to pull himself free from both Willes arms as from the two men who had sprung up to help him, but the three of them were too strong together.

‘I’ve always been on his side,’ Ayub said calmly. ‘Now get out of my shop before I call the police.’

Simon watched how the grip on Micke was slowly released and his father looked him straight in the eye, making a show of dropping his coat on the floor. The crowd around him spread out, giving way to the door to let Micke through, all was it a bit hesitant.

He felt his hands tremble besides him and he balled them into fists to stop the shaking, trying to stay strong and seem unaffected in front of everybody. Knowing not only the customers were watching him, but Wille as well. His father turned his back to him, taking two steps towards the exit before facing him again.

‘This isn’t over,’ he spat, and before anyone could prevent it, he grabbed a mug from the table near him and flung it towards Simon.

‘Simon!’ he heard Wille shout, but he didn’t have time to respond.

It hit the edge of the counter and shards sprung everywhere. Ayub pulled him down quickly, trying to shield them both but a sharp pain in Simons cheekbone told him that it was too late. He raised his hand to his cheek, feeling blood trickling over his fingers, but nothing seemed to be stuck in it.

‘What the fuck, Simme?!’ Ayub exclaimed, ‘why didn’t you say anything?’

‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry,’ he whispered, repeating it over and over until Ayub shushed him.

‘It’s okay,’ Ayub said, although he sounded just as shaken as Simon felt. ‘Let me check if he’s really gone this time.’

All Simon could do was nod and watched Ayub peek out over the counter above him.

‘He’s gone,’ a voice he didn’t recognize said, probably a customer.

‘Good,’ Ayub answered, ‘thank you. If you could give us some space now.’

Simon still hadn’t moved, he couldn’t believe this had actually happened. Ayub crouched down next to him again and on his other side, Wille came into view. Shame fell over him as his cheeks turned red. There was no way he could hide this from Wille anymore now.

‘You can take him to the back, and then take the emergency exit to leave, I’ll manage the customers.’

He heard Ayub say a few other things but he was focussing on not breaking down right then and there. His hands were still shaking and even balling them into fists didn’t help anymore. He also couldn’t bear making eye contact with Wille.

He crawled upright, trying to put on his bravest face so the people who were still in the cafe didn’t think he was weak and saw Wille pick up his coat from the floor before walking back to him.

‘You coming?’ he asked, holding the door to the back open for him.

He nodded before slowly moving away from his spot towards the door, trying to ignore the stinging in his cheek and the aching of his ribs, making every breath painful. Carefully stepping over the shards, he walked through the door. He saw Wille look over his shoulder, probably sending a silent message to Ayub before he followed him, closing the door softly behind them.

Simon lowered himself in the wobbly chair, his whole body aching. He wrapped his arms closely around him, protecting his ribs and focussed on his breathing. He had to steady himself.

’Simme..?’

Wille crouched down next to his, his sweet but now worried eyes came into view but Simon couldn’t even bring himself to look at the pity he saw on the other boys face. The pity he hadn’t wanted.

But Wille didn’t ask anything. He just sat there, letting him breathe and thankfully, not touching him.

After what felt like ages, when Wille had long changed from a crouching position to a crosslegged one on the floor, he looked up. He had locked it away. For now.

It sometimes felt like he had a box inside his brain where he put all the bad things his father had ever done to him. When he cracked it open, he had to be careful not to let anything spill out of it. To slam it shut again before any memories could escape. With this as well, he didn’t want to analyze what had just happened, he just wanted to lock it up and forget about it.

Apparently, him making eye contact with Wille encouraged the other boy to speak up again.

‘I’m not gonna ask if you’re okay, but I think we should get out of here,’ he said, a carefulness but also decisiveness in his voice. ‘We need to get you checked as well.’

Simon clenched his jaw when he heard that last sentence. He was certainly not going to the doctors.

‘Just put your coat on and—‘

‘I’m not going to wear it,’ Simon said abruptly, interrupting him mid-sentence.

He felt Willes eyes on him, observing him for what had to be the millionth time within the hour, before he responded.

‘Okay, but then you’re going to wear mine,’ he stated, and the tone in his voice made it clear that it was not up for discussion.

Sion shrugged in response, still too focussed on himself to start an argument about it. And so he hauled himself upright, trying to ignore the way his whole body ached and tensed with every movement he made and pulled Willes coat on. As expected, it was too big on him, but it hid him from both Wille as well as from the world outside and he liked that a lot right now. It made him feel like he was actually going to disappear.

The whole way back to their street, Simon was trying to pick up the courage to speak up. Wanting to take Willes worry away, wanting him to think that he was okay. But he just couldn’t bring himself to do so. A hollow feeling had taken place in his chest, mixing with the aching of his ribs and the pressure in his lungs and the only thing he could do was keep breathing.

In and out, in and out. Until they arrived.

‘Do you still want to go up to mine?’ Wille asked uncertainly, but Simon nodded, knowing that he couldn’t be at his right now.

His apartment was still a huge mess and being alone wouldn’t do any good either. And so he followed Wille up, walking closely next to him without touching the other boy.

‘We need to get you to a doctor, let someone examine your ribs and see if the cut is clean,’ Wille said as soon as they had taken off their coats and walked into the kitchen.

Wille filled a glass of water, offering it to him and he tried to drink it without his teeth clattering to the rim. He felt unsteady, hands still trembling, and it was not from the cold. The sting in his cheek was back again now he started to warm up.

But at the same time, Simon couldn’t care less. He wanted to lay down and let himself be swallowed into a black hole. He couldn’t remember the last time his body had hurt like this. It was as if now, because he was older, it hurt even more. As if he was more aware of the aching, both inside and out.

‘We don’t have to,’ he spoke up quietly, putting the glass down on the table.

‘We do, Simme, especially the cut,’ Wille said again, stepping a bit closer to push Simons hair away.

‘Wille, Wille, please!’ Simon said more forcefully this time, swatting his hand away. ‘I don’t want to.’

‘At least let me check it out then?’

Simon stifled a sigh, but eventually he gave in, not having the energy or headspace to argue with Wille.

‘Okay…’

He didn’t know if he was surprised when Wille disappeared and came back with a whole box full of medical stuff, but he supposed he wasn’t. Wille was working in the medical field after all.

‘Is it okay if you sit down on the counter? Then you’ll be a little bit higher and easier for me to reach.’

Normally, Simon would’ve made a comment on Wille calling him tiny, but instead, with a painful hiss, he pulled himself up on the counter.

‘May I?’ Wille asked as he closed in, standing between his legs and Simon nodded, watching how Willes gaze turned into one of concentration.

‘It’s just a scratch,’ Wille said after a while, ‘I’m going to clean it and then it’s best to just let it dry on the air.’

Simon didn’t respond and soon the penetrating scent of disinfect hit his nose. It remembered him of all those times he had used it for either himself or Sara and it made his insides churn. He was so lost in thought that he didn’t even notice the stinging and the worried glance Wille shot him for not reacting to it.

The cloth disappeared and the pounding came back, a dull aching on the rhythm of his still too fast heartbeat.

‘All done.’

‘Thanks, Wille,’ he said, forcing himself to be a bit more responsive as not to worry the other boy even more.

‘I need you to, uh, take off your shirt,’ Wille said, a trace of doubt in his voice this time.

Simon managed the tiniest smile and Wille snorted.

‘I know, I know,’ he chuckled, ‘do you wanna do it here? Or move to the bathroom?’

Instead of answering, he just started to pull his sweater over his head, trying to ignore the pain that erupted as soon as his arms lifted above his head. His white t-shirt followed after that and Wille put both pieces of clothing aside.

Simon didn’t dare to look at either Wille or down his chest, knowing that besides whatever was visible on his ribs, the blue spot on his collarbone was faded, yes, but still there as well.

He flinched as soon as Willes soft fingers made contact with the skin of his chest.

‘Shit, did I hurt you?’ Wille asked, concern lacing his voice.

Simon shook his head, keeping his eyes trained on the floor.

Featherlight touches followed and examined every inch of his skin and ribs. He felt Willes finger tips softly pressure spots every now and then and tracing his ribs, following them from front to back.

‘They’re just a bit bruised, but nothing too bad. They might turn blue in the upcoming days and moving will hurt, but it shouldn’t take longer than two weeks.’

That was good, Simon supposed.

‘This one’s older, though,’ Wille stated, a question mark lingering at the end of his statement as he stroked over Simons collarbone.

‘It’s from work,’ Simon mumbled, hoping Wille wouldn’t pry.

‘Simon…’

The use of his name made him look up and he saw the sadness in Willes eyes. He felt the tension creep back into his shoulders but this time, there was no oversized coat in which he could hide himself.

‘We don’t have to talk about it right now,’ Wille continued, ‘but someday we do, okay?’

Simon nodded, still trying to keep his emotions in check, but Wille made it harder right now.

‘Well,’ Wille said with forced lightness, ‘you’re good to go.’

’Thanks,’ he said again, trying to sound as light, but it just came out exhausted.

Willes hands pressed heavily on his thighs, warmth radiating from them. Without thinking, he laid his own over Willes, feeling the soft skin under his palms. Wille upturned his hands and their fingers traced each other, until Wille softly pulled on them to wordlessly ask permission to embrace him. And Simon let him.

He felt Willes warm hands on his bare back, stroking up and down and Simon caught himself wishing he could drown in the comfort he got out of it. It was as if at that moment, he actually realized what had just happened.

His dad had come out, not to only humiliate him in public, but he had thrown a cup towards him, making a whole scene in front of everyone. In front of Ayub, who knew what had happened at home but never commented about it. In front of Wille, who hadn’t known anything but had pulled Micke back from him, not caring about getting hurt himself. And now taking care of him in the aftermath, tending his wounds, the physical ones at least.

Because he had to get out of here before the mental ones started to show. He pulled Wille closer, almost impossibly close, hooking his ankles behind him. Willes sweater was soft, smelling like laundry detergent, cologne and something just purely Wille and he buried his nose into it.

But the feelings he had locked up so tightly were rattling their chains, screaming to get out in the form of those hated tears. He felt his throat closing up, swallowing not helping to soften the lump and he knew he had to get away before he’d break down.

He waited for his sight to un-blur and then pulled back, still keeping his ankles locked. The shower was his only escape right now.

‘Is it okay if I take a shower?’ he asked, somehow managing to speak clearly despite the lump in his throat.

’Sure, I’ll get you something to wear and leave it on the bed, okay?’

Simon nodded thankfully, letting Wille step away from him. He slid off the counter, wincing from both the cold as well as from suddenly standing with his torso upright again, the aching returning instantly now not wrapped up into Willes warm embrace.

‘There are clean towels in the cabinet beneath the sink,’ Wille added, ‘and you can just use whatever else you find in the shower.’

‘Thank you,’ Simon whispered, picking up his previously discarded shirt and sweater and pressed them against his chest.

It felt as if he had to physically hold himself together and slightly hunched, he walked towards the bathroom, locking the door behind him. He quickly undressed himself, clothes littering through the tiny space, and stepped into the shower.

Burning hot water ran down his body, replacing the ache with red skin. The cut on his cheek stung painfully, but that was probably more from the salt as tears finally slipped from his eyes down his cheeks.

He should’ve known this was going to happen. It had been bound to end like this, just like it had the last time. He had fallen for his fathers tricks so many times that it actually exasperated him. But at least last time it had been only mentally.

Only it was painfully clear right now. His dad didn’t want him. Didn’t need him. At least not in the way Simon wanted or needed him. And it hurt. It hurt more than he liked to admit.

Quiet sobs racked through his body, adding pain to the hurt that was already there and he let himself get swallowed by it. He didn’t know how long he stood there, but it was probably long enough for Wille to worry. So he took that as the reason to eventually put himself back together, when he finally felt empty and drained.

Drying himself off, he avoided looking into the mirror, not wanting to see what he looked like right now and how obvious it was going to be to Wille that he had just had a complete breakdown in his shower. Then, in only his boxers, he padded to the bedroom.

Wille had laid down joggings pants and a shirt for him, neatly folded on top of the covers of the bed. He quickly pulled the pants on, the material soft against his skin, legs too long. Then he sat down and carefully pulled the shirt on, trying not to stretch his arms out too far.

Tiredly, he looked around, and right when he had encouraged himself enough to stand up again, he saw something purple peek out underneath the pillow, as if quickly shoved away. He recognized it instantly. His hoodie.

He reached out, wincing slightly as he did so, and leaned on his side to keep himself upright. He pulled the piece of clothing towards him, the fabric worn and familiar. Before realizing what he was doing, he brought it up to his face, burying his nose into it. It smelled like Wille and comfort fell over him as a soft blanket.

Not bothering to get up anymore, he laid down properly, although worrying about Wille getting worried about him. But weariness fell over him and he wrapped himself around the hoodie, curling into himself and without planning it, he fell asleep.

 

The room was considerably darker when he woke up. His eyes felt puffy and he had no idea what time it was. The bed was dented behind him and he slowly turned around, his body even more sore than it had been before. Next to him, with his back against the other pillow, was Wille, looking up from the book he had been reading.

‘Hi,’ he said softly, closing his book to give him his full attention. ‘You disappeared.’

There was no judging undertone in that statement.

‘Hej,’ Simon whispered back, rubbing his eyes, ‘I’m sorry, for how long have I been out?’

‘About an hour, so not that long,’ Wille answered, ‘how are you feeling?’

To be fair, he didn’t know. So he just shrugged and Wille nodded understandingly, reaching out to streak a stray curl out of his eyes.

‘I’m sorry for ruining tonight, I always ruin everything,’ he said instead, still too out of it to comprehend that he was being way too honest right now.

‘You don’t,’ Wille said pointedly but soft, ‘it’s not your fault.’

‘It is, though.’

His voice sounded weak but admitting it was felt like the only right thing to do. Wille moved around on the bed, laying down besides him and Simon curled a little more into himself.

‘Listen to me,’ he said, looking into his eyes with the most serious look Simon had seen on his face so far. ‘It’s not. I barely understand what just happened, but I do know that it’s almost never to blame on the victim.’

Victim. Simon hated that word.

‘I hope you’ll tell me about it, that you’ll feel safe enough with me to do so, but know you don’t have to if you don’t want to. But I’m here for you.’

There it was. The opening for the conversation they should have. Wille had just offered it to him. But the simple thought of explaining everything seemed so draining, so utterly exhausting, that he just nodded in response, whispering a ‘thank you’ and let Wille play with his hair that just kept getting longer and longer.

Their stillness was interrupted by the grumbling of Willes stomach, letting them know that it was time for dinner. The thought of food made him nauseous and he wasn’t hungry at all, but he knew there was no way Wille would allow him to skip having some tonight.

He looked up and found Wille looking at him, a soft thumb caressing his cheek, careful not to touch the cut. It stung less, probably slowly healing already. But his torso didn’t. He could feel the dull aching even without moving and the idea of getting up wasn’t one he looked forward to.

‘What do you wanna do?’ he asked, ‘do you want to stay here, or go home?’

Simon observed the soft hazel eyes which held not a single accusation towards him. Wille looked more like the boy he met in the rain again, and less like the anxious, miserable boy he had seen just last week and Simon was glad to see the progress.

‘You don’t have to answer that right now,’ Wille continued, taking this silence as hesitance, ‘we could eat something first and then you can decide.’

‘I’m not really hungry,’ he said honestly.

Wille nodded understandingly and Simon silently thanked whoever was up there that he didn’t get forced to explain things he didn’t want to. Really, he didn’t have to say anything at all, for some reason Wille just got it.

‘I was thinking about warming up some soup, if you’d like that?’

That didn’t sound too bad and after agreeing, Wille pushed himself upright, scooting over to the edge of the bed to get up. Simon did the same, trying to convince himself that it didn’t hurt, and they made their way to the kitchen.

Wille ushered him into a chair, telling him that he didn’t need to help and put the soup on the stove to warm up. As Simon kept an eye on it, he disappeared to the bathroom and came back with the purple hoodie in his arms.

‘Here,’ he said, holding it out to him, ‘there’s a hot water bottle in it so the aching will hopefully get a bit less.’

He hadn’t been hiding it that well then…

Simon hugged it close and felt the warmth seep through the material to his skin, indeed dulling the pain and making him feel comforted. The soup he ate then warmed his insides and he noticed that he actually felt a bit better.

‘I’ll stay here, if that’s still okay with you?’ he said, thankful that Wille had given him time to think about it.

‘Yeah, of course,’ Wille said, smiling at him, ‘we can just watch a movie or something?’

 

While Wille was taking a shower, Simon tried to stay present. He answered a worried text from Ayub that he was okay enough, considering the circumstances, and then busied himself with doing the dishes, feeling like that was the least he could do to thank Wille for his care.

He couldn’t prevent zoning out the tiniest bit, though, and jumped when Wille suddenly spoke up from behind him.

‘You didn’t have to— sorry! I didn’t mean to scare you,’ he quickly interrupted his own sentence, walking to him.

Willes arms circled loosely around his waist and he hooked his chin over Simons shoulder, making him loose focus on the task at hand in a good way this time.

‘You didn’t have to do the dishes,’ he finished off his sentence.

‘I know,’ Simon answered, ‘just had to do something, you know.’

He felt Wille nod against his shoulder and was once again glad he didn’t have to say anything else. But at the same time, he felt like he wanted to. He trusted Wille enough, but he wish someone else could just tell the story for him, so that he didn’t have to go through the shitload of feelings it always brought up as well.

Wille stepped away to pick up a towel and Simon instantly missed his arms around him. He pouted at Wille for leaving, which made Wille chuckle in return.

‘Someone is being cuddly for once,’ he joked, swatting his arm with the towel he was now holding.

He spatted some of the soapy water in his direction in return. Wille jumped out of the way just in time to dodge the water but some of the suds took longer to land and came down partly in his hair.

Laughing, Wille made a halfhearted attempt to remove it, but missed and Simon stepped closer to him, reaching up to remove the soap from his still wet hair. Two strands escaped and fell onto his forehead and god, how much Simon wanted to kiss him right now.

Simon saw Willes eyes flick down to his lips as well before meeting his again and felt himself doing the same. He knew Wille waiting for him and he searched the brown eyes opposite him for confirmation. When he found what he was looking for, a soft smile appeared on Simons lips before he leaned in.

The kiss was gentle, careful even, and he let his hands slide down Willes back, still aware enough that it ached to hold them up for too long. He felt Willes hands move into his curls while the other one rested in his neck. They only broke away when they needed air, elated smiles breaking the tensity between them.

Encouraged by the confirmation, Wille closed the gap between them for a second time, pushing Simon slightly against the counter and Simon chuckle against his lips before returning the kiss. This time, he broke away and it was Willes turn to pout, making him laugh again.

‘Got to finish the dishes first, now, don’t we?’ he said teasingly, grinning when Wille rolled his eyes at him.

Not that much later, they were done and found themself curled up on Willes couch. Wille had opened his arms comfortingly when he had sat down first and Simon had nestled himself against his chest, still carrying the hot water bottle and hoodie. He wasn’t someone who let himself be comforted that easily, but the way Wille offered it to him didn’t make him feel needy or weak and it was just what he needed.

Honestly, he didn’t really follow what the storyline of the movie was they had put on, but he was glad it was something quiet and babbling. He suspected that was why Wille had picked this one.

He felt himself getting more and more drowsy and by the time the movie was over, he was forcing himself to stay awake.

‘Want to head to bed?’ Wille asked when the subtitles had finished rolling off the screen.

Simon nodded, unwrapping himself from both Wille and the hoodie, which had been laying on top of him, even though it had cooled down by now and sat up straight. He watched Wille switching off the lights and locking everything up and then he accompanied him towards the bathroom.

Brushing their teeth together was really just him trying not to choke on his toothpaste while laughing at the faces Wille pulled at him in the mirror. The space was small and at this point it was just them bumping into each other, both as a joke as from their shared tiredness.

When Wille left towards the bedroom, he wondered if he should ask where the painkillers were. The other boy would probably hear him search for it if he started looking, but he didn’t really feel like asking as well. He didn’t want Wille to think that he needed anything like that. And so he decided against it, hoping that he wasn’t going to regret it later that night.

When he entered the bedroom, Wille was already laying bed. He walked around it, put his phone on the nightstand and lifted the covers, sliding in besides him.

To his surprise, it didn’t take long for the both of them to fall asleep, tightly but for the sake of Simons ribs carefully, wrapped up into each others arms.

 

As expected, he woke up halfway through the night. Every part of his body was throbbing and he knew it was time to take that much needed painkiller. He had been around Wille the whole night, so he hadn’t felt like he needed one, but with Wille having rolled away from him, he felt cold, sore and shitty.

As quiet as possible, he got out of bed, making his way towards the bathroom, where he hoped to find some. And so he did. He downed them with a glass of water and after relieving himself, he returned back to bed, hoping they’d kick in soon.

He tried to ignore it, but he could feel day he had had heavy on his shoulders, trying to tear him down. This was exactly why he hated waking up in the middle of night after having a shit day. This is exactly why he always takes a painkiller, because that way he wouldn’t wake up and remember the shitshow that his life could be sometimes.

And he always knew it was a bad idea, an unhealthy coping mechanism, but truly? What else was he supposed to do?

The room was just as dark as he had left it, but before he could close the door, the silence was interrupted.

‘You okay?’ Willes tired voice asked him.

Despite the darkness, he could just make out Wille, sleepy features underneath a mop of tousled hair.

‘Yeah,’ he said, hearing the tension in his own voice. ‘Just went to grab some painkillers.’

‘Did you find them?’

He hummed, not trusting his voice enough and lifted the covers to scoot in next to Wille again. The boy seemed to be searching for something and drowsily pushed himself upright. He watched him climb out of bed and returned minutes later, carrying the hoodie again.

‘Here,’ he said softly, ‘I put new water in it.’

This boy had to stop being so sweet or it was going to make him cry.

‘Thanks, Wille,’ he murmured.

He watched him shuffle around the bed again, lifted the covers and slipped in next to him again. He rolled towards him again, spooning around him and Simon found himself sandwiched between Wille and the hoodie with the water bottle, which pressed against his chest again. They didn’t speak for a while, but eventually, Wilhelm apparently couldn’t take it any longer.

‘Simme…’ he started, but something stopped him, probably his own promise that he’d let Simon come to him.

He felt himself holding his breath, scared to find out what was coming next.

‘Simme,’ Wille said again, ‘it’s okay. It’s okay, whatever you feel right now, it was a lot today and I’m so sorry. It must’ve been so overwhelming for you.’

He kept quiet and he felt Wille bury his nose into his nape, nuzzling between the curls. Simons body felt nervous and on the edge and for once, despite the embrace, he couldn’t relax.

‘It’s okay,’ he repeated, ‘just, let me help you.’

‘It was just— a lot.’

That was the only thing Simon managed to bring out around the obvious lump in his throat and without tears spilling over.

‘Will you please not hold it in?’ Wille asked almost pleadingly this time.

‘I just—, it’s just better to not cry,’ he brought out, ‘my dad used to hate it when I cried, he said it makes me weak.’

‘That’s not true,’ Wille said softly, words almost getting lost.

‘I know,’ he said, just as quiet.

‘Just try to be here with me, okay? Right here in the room, just us. We’ll figure the rest out tomorrow.’

And so he focussed on the heat pressing against his chest. Willes arm hugging him from behind, holding him close. The soft and slowly deeper getting breathing of the both of them until, eventually, he fell back asleep.

Notes:

My boys :(
Next chapter will bring some fun, I promise!! Can't wait to hear your thoughts about this chapter!

Chapter 11: you can't hide forever

Summary:

The tiredness was still there when Wille woke up the next morning, Simon pressed up against him. It took him a minute to gather his thoughts as to why he felt so drained, but yesterdays events came back to him quickly enough.

Notes:

As promised, a happy (happier) chapter this time! Thank you so all so much for the love on the last one, I can barely comprehend it aah!! Enjoy their long-awaited date and of course, a little bit more angst...

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

The tiredness was still there when Wille woke up the next morning, Simon pressed up against him. It took him a minute to gather his thoughts as to why he felt so drained, but yesterdays events came back to him quickly enough. He still couldn’t comprehend what exactly had happened, but the thing he knew for sure was the impact it had had on the beautiful boy laying next to him.

Carefully, he moved into a more comfortable position, snuggling up under the covers, but with a good view on Simon. A sunbeam lightened up the room, projecting soft golden light into the space and it made the air feel lighter as well. It hit Simons curls just so he could make out the brown ones that mixed with the black ones perfectly and he silently adored how tangled up they had become overnight.

He was glad to see that the tension on the other boys face seemed to have disappeared, at least while he was asleep. His cheek flattened by the pillow and his nose buried in both his chest and the hoodie, that someone had ended up pressed between them. Simons features were way more relaxed and the oversized shirt he was wearing twisted, what must be slightly uncomfortable, around his body.

Wille could lay there forever, just looking at him. Keeping him safe so no one could hurt him again.

Simon had tried to keep up a strong front yesterday, but the puffiness of his eyes had betrayed him and so did the fact that Wille had walked in on him on his own bed, curled up and clenching the same piece of clothing he was now.

It had been as if he was radiating sadness when he lay there, looking small and vulnerable, probably without wanting to look like that. But while Simon had been sleeping, Wille had had the time to think about what had happened, and what he could do to help. Because what he and Felice had already expected, he was too kind for his own good. And he most certainly didn’t want to talk about it.

It had made Wille wonder if he really didn’t want to, or just didn’t know how to and he knew, looking back on his own process, how hard it could be. He hadn’t wanted to talk about Erik either, and he had been so sure he could do it all by himself. But in the end, he couldn’t and he had found out that the hadn’t been the end of the world.

As expected, when Simon had woken up, he tried to be strong, hadn’t said a word and for some reason thought he needed to apologize. And Wille had just let it go, trying to just be there for him whenever he needed it, same when he had woken them up during the night. As he had learned himself the hard way, you couldn’t force someone to talk when they really didn’t want to.

But to him, a lot of things made sense now. The almost unnoticeable anxiety when he had read messages on his phone sometimes, the way he acted that day in the library and most importantly, his reaction to any loud, unexpected noises. He had found the way Simon reacted to the thunderstorm endearing at the time, but now he just felt for him. And also the outburst the fallen cup had caused, suddenly made perfect sense.

He was pulled back from his thoughts when he saw Simons eyelids flutter. Then, he opened them, orientating before meeting Willes eyes.

‘Hej,’ Simon almost whispered, a blush creeping up onto his cheeks.

‘Hi,’ Wille said, just as quiet, ‘did you sleep well?’

Simon nodded, groggily rubbing his eyes, trying to mask the wince when lifting his arm.

‘You?’ Simon asked, nuzzling back into the blankets while meeting his eyes.

‘As well,’ he said, taking in every part of the boy next to him.

Simon seemed well rested, but his eyes had an empty look in them and he had already tuned out, staring off in space. Tentatively, Wille streaked out one of the stray curls out of his face, tracing Simon harmed cheek before he let his arm fell between them. The cut looked a lot better than it did yesterday.

‘Does it still hurt?’ he asked, observing how Simon tuned back into his surroundings.

‘No, it just pulls a bit,’ Simon responded, wriggling an arm free again to softly touch it.

‘And the rest?’

This time, Simon wavered a bit before answering.

‘Has been better.’

Wille hummed and reached out, softly interlinking their hands. His thumb rubbed over Simons, trying to keep him in the present.

‘I’m sorry about yesterday,’ Simon said after a while, alert eyes following every movement Willes hand made.

‘You apologize an awful lot for things you can’t help,’ Wille sighed.

Simon flicked his eyes up, mischief sparkling in them.

‘Sorry, I guess?’

A tiny smile appeared on Simons face and Wille couldn’t help but roll his eyes at him.

‘No, but seriously,’ he continued, ‘you shouldn’t have seen that.’

‘Simon, it shouldn’t have happened at all. You don’t have to apologize on my behalf, it’s your dad who should be sorry.’

The words came out more strongly than he had wanted and he saw Simon swallow tightly, not immediately reacting.

‘Yeah…’ he eventually said weakly.

Wille waited for more, but nothing else followed and so he changed the subject, aching to make the atmosphere light again.

‘Are you still up for doing something today?’ he asked, hoping that he could still carry out the plans he had made for them.

‘Definitely,’ Simon said, walls put neatly back in place again and a not very convincing smile on his face.

He was going to have to look out for him today.

 

After having breakfast, they got dressed and got ready to leave. The walk to the station was only ten minutes and they were able to catch their train perfectly on time. Once they found themselves a spot, Simon started prying about the plan Wille had made, which he found really amusing.

‘We’re not going to the museum since you told me you’ve already been there.’

‘Okay, that was a stupid guess, let me think,’ Simon said, an adorable frown appearing on his face.

Wille chuckled. ‘You could’ve easily found it if you googled it, but you also kind of have to know it’s there.’

‘That is the most cryptic thing I’ve ever heard you say,’ Simon said, and Wille just shrugged at him, a smile playing on his lips.

Simon huffed and resumed to stare out of the window, leaning slightly against Wille. His body seemed to be a little less sore than yesterday, but he wasn’t sure. Wille had tried to steal a glance of it when the both of them had been readying themselves, but Simon had self-consciously turned away from his gaze.

‘I can’t wait to have free time like this again,’ Simon sighed, apparently giving up on the guessing for now. ‘My keyboard is getting dusty and I miss going out.’

‘I can’t believe I still haven’t heard you play,’ Wille said, looking at the tiny twinkle in Simons brown eyes which always seemed to appear when talking about it.

‘Maybe if you tell me what we’re going to do…’ he joked and Wille softly shoved him against his arm making him chuckle.

The train arrived right on time, which also meant lunchtime. The lunch room had a terrace near the river, for which it was now too cold. Inside the space was filled with old chairs, slightly wobbly tables and vintage-looking couches, making it look as a mixture between their apartments. One wall had a lot of shelves which included books, magazines and plants, but also old coffee machines and the wall behind the counter contained a large handwritten menu mural.

Wille led Simon to a tiny table near the window with view on the river and after ordering, Simon resumed the prying, making Wille laugh harder and harder with every wrong guess he made.

‘Okay, I give up,’ Simon said slightly exasperated. ‘I’m just gonna finish this lunch real quick so you can take me there.’

Wille chuckled. ‘It’s not gonna run away, you know.’

They had the calmest lunch in what felt like ages and they enjoyed themselves intensely. He hadn’t realized how packed their schedules had been, especially Simons. That combined with the fact that he had not been doing so well either, it was a miracle they had managed to see each other as often as they had.

He successfully managed to distract Simon from not knowing the surprise, which worked better than he had imagined, and so it was incredibly peaceful and enjoyable.

After paying, the time had come for him to show him the surprise. He double checked the route they had to walk and with their fingers interlinked, they made their way through the small, cobblestoned streets. When they were just around the corner, he stopped Simon in his tracks, grabbing his wrist to hold him back.

‘We’re here,’ he said, sending a promising smile towards a confused Simon. ‘Just go through the doors of the church over there, I’ll be right behind you.’

Simon looked between him and the old, gothic church, studying it as though he didn’t trust it at all, before slowing walking towards it. The double doors were high and opened as if they wanted to welcome everyone into its arms. Wille walked only one step behind Simon, making sure he didn’t miss his reaction.

The brown eyes Wille loved so much flew open as he soaked in his surroundings.

They were surrounded by high bookshelves for as far as they could see. The walls were almost completely covered in them, sometimes only making space for an old church painting. The ceiling was high and still beautifully decorated. The dome towered above them and people were walking on a round passage, making their way to the top of it. In the far back, the organ hung opened wide and was also beautifully painted.

The place was filled with all kinds of vintage looking objects, from enormous paintings to old pianos and from second hand books to not matching chairs and tables. Wille had been here before, with Felice, when they were furnishing his apartment and he hadn’t had that much to spend. It had been easy to get lost in the secrets of the giant church and since he had noticed how much Simon loved stories behind things, he had decided that he wanted to show him the place. Maybe he could get some inspiration out of it as well.

While Simon was taking in the setting, Wille couldn’t help but study his expression and when he finally turned around to meet his eyes, there was so much love in them that Wille could only answer it the same way.

‘I love it, god, I really, really love it.’

‘I’m glad you do. Now, go explore it, and when you’re done, we can also climb the tower to have an inside and outside view.’

The following hours consisted of Simon browsing every corner of the giant church while Wille tried his best not to loose him. He listened to all the stories Simon had found or thought of whenever he saw something he really liked and couldn’t find himself getting tired of the endless talking he did during their time there.

Eventually, they ended up in a corner filled with second hand short stories and he sat down on a soft, weird shaped chair, looking at Simon, who was roaming the shelves, his head angled so that he could read the titles properly.

‘You do know you’re staring, don’t you?’

The question was followed by a chuckle and Wille blinked out of his thoughts.

‘I’m not,’ he said not very convincingly, which drew another chuckle out of Simon, followed by a fond smile in his direction.

In spite of being caught, he resumed watching Simon. It was good to see the carefree side of him again, especially after yesterday. Wille was glad he hadn’t cancelled their trip, although he had totally understood if he would’ve. He had the feeling that Simon was slightly better than him in doing things he knew he should be doing to get his mind off things, but he was also way better at hiding how he felt then Wille was. And that was certainly something he was also doing right now.

But as promised, Wille let him come to him and he wasn’t going to force Simons past and family history out of him. He didn’t know what he was dealing with right now, and for how long it had been going on, but his way of supporting Simon by doing things like this right now, seemed to work.

Lastly, when Simon had almost picked up every book from the shelve, only to put it back down again after quiet examination, they climbed up the stairs, all the way to the top. Simon teased him along the way when he, as soon as they had made it halfway, tremblingly brought out to be slightly afraid of heights. But with him holding him close, they made it all the way to the top and were rewarded with a beautiful view over the city.

After that, they exited the church, all be it Simon with obvious pain in his heart, ready to walk around the city some more. Right before they went back to the train station, they hit a small cafe to warm themselves up and then made their way back home, Wille noticing that the day started to wear Simon down.

‘This was literally the best surprise ever,’ Simon said, slumping slightly against Willes side once they had found themselves a place to sit on the train.

‘I’m glad you liked it,’ Wille smiled, burying his nose in the Simons curls.

Somewhere along the road, Simon got lost in thought and Wille could see it in his eyes once they got off the train. The short walk back to their shared street was in loaded silence, with Wille doubting about speaking up or trying to ignore the obvious.

‘I think I’m going to go home now,’ Simon spoke up once they had reached their apartment block.

Wille nodded. ‘Will you be okay?’

He said the words carefully, not wanting to set Simon off but still wanted to let him know that he cared. His question was answered with a barely noticeable nod.

‘I have to call Sara tonight, so I better go do it before she’ll murders me,’ he joked, although there was a tone in his voice that made the statement a little more serious.

‘She has to get past me first then,’ he chucked, and he lifted his arms, Simon eagerly stepping in.

Wille pulled him closer, holding him tightly but carefully in something what he hoped was a reassuring hug and then quickly pecked him on his lips.

‘Let me know if I can do anything, okay?’

‘I will.’

 

He tried not to spy on Simons apartment that evening, but as soon as he came home, he found himself already looking towards the other side of the street. When Simon had entered his living room, he had almost immediately put his phone to his ear, face pulled into a serious expression. The conversation had been short and the reason for that unfolded later that night, when Sara showed up in the apartment.

Wille took that as a sign that things were going to be good, or at least okay, and withdrew himself. He didn’t close the curtains though. To keep his mind off things, he reviewed some articles for his thesis, knowing that he always understood things better when he read it twice or more times. He was so glad he had the time to do so now and soon, he was fully focussed on that.

He didn’t look up until he was finished, happy to be working on this interesting subject again. He had always liked sifting though a subject thoroughly and with the way he had arranged his year, he had all the time in the world for it. Or, as Felice had said to him once he had mentioned it to her, it was his path and that had good things as well.

But he was getting tired, the previous day still in his system as well. He hadn’t talked to anyone about it, not wanting to overstep any boundaries with Simon by telling people about it, but he somewhere knew that Felice would probably know about the situation as well since she was so close with Sara. He didn’t know if Sara was more open about it, but it seemed that she didn’t have any contact with their dad at all, so he didn’t really know what to expect of her take on the whole situation.

He noticed that he had been hoping that Simon would open up to him. That he would feel like he could say what was on his mind, especially after being so publicly humiliated, but he someone managed to keep everything inside. Wille had suspected he had cried during his shower before the nap yesterday, but he didn’t feel like pointing out the puffy eyes when it was something Simon obviously couldn’t hide from him, even if he had wanted to.

He closed his laptop and removed the charger, once again reminding himself that he really should buy a new one since the battery was practically dead by now. After that, he started his nighttime routine. He took a nice and warm shower, and just went straight to bed after that, noticing how much he missed the presence of Simon next to him this time.

He grabbed his phone off his nightstand, deciding to text the other boy just that.

Wille: [22:41]
I miss you already

Hope you sleep well <3

And then he just turned around, sleep falling over him in a matter of minutes.

 

Felice: [23:08]
Omg

Wille are you and Simon okay?

Sara just told me what happened friday??

She’s so worried about Simon right now

The texts from Felice came out of nowhere, and Wille had to rub his eyes a few times before he was awake enough to process them.

Wille: [08:18]
Hey yeah I think so?

Felice: [08:18]
Finally you are awake

I’m calling you right now

And true as she was, she did. Bleary eyed, Wille hauled himself a bit more upright, positioning his pillow against the wall behind him so he could lean against it.

‘Hej,’ he brought out, voice still raspy.

‘Wille, how could you not have told me?’ she instantly asked, diving into the subject as if it was the latest college rumour.

‘Felice, please,’ he begged, ‘it’s not like that?’

He took a moment to gather his thoughts.

‘Simon seemed to be very private about the whole thing and to be honest, I still can’t grasp what exactly happened? Like, he didn’t tell me anything, except for the fact that his dad was a drunk.’

He only now noticed his frustration about it, how badly he wanted to be there for Simon and how much harder it was due to not fully comprehending the situation.

‘Wille, calm down,’ Felice said, voice softer and more kind now. ‘I didn’t mean it like that, but Sara came home yesterday all fed up and scared and now I’m scared as well?’

Wille nodded, forcing his brain to wake up now. In short sentences, he recapped the past two days to her, telling her everything he knew for sure and his suspicions about Simon hiding his feelings from him.

‘Sara said the same,’ Felice said thoughtfully when he was done talking. ‘She was frustrated about Simon not opening up and then said something about how he always fakes a smile and acts like he’s fine when he is not.’

Wille couldn’t help but feel like he was intruding Simons privacy by talking about something so personal and for a long minute, he was quiet, just thinking about what Felice had just said.

‘I think I should check on him today,’ he said finally, hoping that Felice would get that he didn’t want to discuss this any further, even if the means were good.

A look of empathy appeared on his friends face, and she nodded confirmatory.

‘Let me know if you want to vent, okay?’

‘Yeah,’ he said, already planning how he was going to work this out. ‘I will.’

He ended the call then, only to see that he had not only missed texts from Felice during the night, but from Simon as well. Glad he was more awake right now, he opened the chat, seeing there were two from last night and a few more from around five o’clock this morning.

Simme: [23:35]
i miss you too

thank you <3

Simme: [05:13]
okay that’s it i’m never gonna get this done

and even if i do, they’ll probably think it’s shit anyways

it’s really not good enough

Simme: [05:32]
shit i’m sorry for texting you

i didn’t check the time

it’s gonna be fine, don’t worry

hope you slept well x

Wille stared at his phone, slightly alarmed by the many texts he had received. He figured Simon had started on his essay again, getting up absurdly early for some reason and something was not going too well.

Instead of answering the texts, he decided to just call Simon as well, knowing him well enough by now that if he only texted, he would try to diminish it.

The phone rang three times before it was answered by an obviously concerned Simon.

‘Hey, you okay?’

If he would only take care of himself as much as he did of him.

‘Yeah, I actually wanted to ask if you are.’

‘Oh, yeah, because of the texts, right?’

Silence fell and Wille decided to just wait for Simon to continue, hoping that he would reveal something.

‘Yeah, fine, just had a tiny breakdown and then I panicked but it’s fine.’

Wille didn’t know who he tried to convince more but for now he just let him and hummed, letting Simon know that he was still listening. However this time, he noticed the tremble in Simons voice, betraying that he was not doing as fine as he said he was.

‘So, don’t worry about me, what are you plans for today?’

‘Oh, just some reading and writing on my thesis,’ he said, babbling casually to give Simon some time to gather himself again.

‘How are you feeling, by the way?’ he added when he was done talking about his upcoming day. ‘Physically, I mean.’

‘A bit better already,’ Simon said and Wille could almost picture the way he was pulling his sleeves over his hands, as he always did when he was asked a personal question.

‘I’m happy to hear that,’ he said genuinely. ‘Take it easy this afternoon, okay? You still have plenty of time left.’

‘I will!’ Simon said, a bit too cheerful and then they said their goodbyes, Wille not entirely convinced Simon would actually take it easy.

 

Wilhelm actually did have quite a good day. He worked on his thesis, finishing a big and important part of it, which he decided to send immediately to his professor to get some feedback on and then he took his required walk, enjoying the fact that, despite the cold, it didn’t rain that much anymore.

His phone kept quiet during the day and he figured Simon was working hard on his essay today, probably trying to make up for the free time he had taken. He had assured him that he could, but with the way it was looking right now, it was taking more out of him than he had been saying.

When he returned home, he noticed that Simon hadn’t moved at all. He was still sitting at his table, his curtains still half closed as if he hadn’t opened them properly this morning and Wille could see, even from this distance, that he was obviously on the brink of mental and physical exhaustion.

He frowned at the sight, had he even gotten up to have lunch today? He didn’t seem to have moved since last night to be totally fair and with the very early texts he had received this morning, he wouldn’t be too surprised if he had pulled an all-nighter.

Wille knew that besides finishing it, Simon was also supposed to incorporate his feedback he had gotten from his professor. Due to all the other events, they hadn’t been able to talk about it, but back in the library that day, Simon hadn’t been very satisfied with the feedback he had gotten on his work.

That was something Wille could totally relate to. Whenever he handed something in, there was always this dull feeling of being afraid of not being good enough. He could only imagine how that must be feel when it was on a more personal and creative process. His medical ones were basically just facts he reorganized, but Simon was creating something of his own and the fact that he could’ve someone tearing his work down, made his heart clench unhappily.

It took him everything later that night to not call Simon again, but he knew that the other boy would probably only be annoyed with him if he would do so. Still, right before he went to be, he couldn’t withheld himself for sending a text.

Wille: [22:12]
Don’t forget to get some sleep tonight

Hope you’re okay <3

Unexpectedly, he noticed the two blue checkmarks instantly appearing after he send those, followed by the familiar Simon is typing… sentence. But then he stopped. And then it appeared again.

Anxiously, he sat upright again, holding his phone tightly so he wouldn’t miss anything. Maybe he should call? His inner dialogue was just one big discussion at this moment while he waited for texts to actually get send to him, but nothing happened. And then Simon went back offline.

The whole situation kind of made him think of how he never wanted to reach out to people, not wanting to burden them with his depressive state of mind. How he just couldn’t bring himself to text Simon back, even though he wanted to and he wanted to share how he felt with the other boy. He suspected that now, Simon was in exactly this situation, and Wille didn’t even know how to help him.

He was shaken from his thoughts when his phone rang.

Simon.

He took a deep breath before answering the call.

‘Hey, Simme,’ he said calmly, trying to keep the worry out of his voice.

‘Wille, he just keeps texting and I can’t block it out and my essay still isn’t done and—‘

Simon voice was interrupted by his own rushed breathing, and Wille clenched the phone to his ear, trying to figure out what was going on as he heard him moving things around in the background as well.

‘Simon, sit down okay?’ he said, soft but sternly, waiting to speak again until the background noise had completely disappeared.

The only other thing Wille was hearing now, was Simons breathing, going too fast for his liking and was every now and then being held in.

‘It’s gonna be okay,’ he said softly, hating how cliche it sounded.

’No, Wille, it’s really not going to be okay.’

Simon sounded tired, worn out and there was an edge of panic lacing his voice. It startled Wille. He knew, probably like no one else, that feelings and emotions had to get out and that it was always bound to happen, one way or another, but for some reason, he hadn’t anticipated on this.

He let the silence stretch, needing the time to think about what to do next, not really knowing what he was going to do next. But then Simon spoke up again, voice so low it was almost impossible to hear him.

‘Do you think you can come over?’

Wille swallowed, but before he could say anything, Simon continued.

‘I really need to do some more, so I’m already sorry for being bad company, but—’

There is was again, the apologizing.

‘Don’t worry about it,’ he interrupted, ‘I’ll be there in ten.’

After a whispered ‘okay’, they hung up and Wille quickly pulled on some somewhat decent clothes, they were far past the point of dressing up for each other anyways, and locked up. He suspected that he wouldn’t be back here that night.

Hurrying across the deserted street, he laughed to himself about how ridiculous he must look liked right now. His hair still wet from the shower, shoes barely even tied and randomly gathered clothes. He called up and after a few seconds the door was opened and he made the familiar way upstairs. Simons front door was already ajar and he let himself in, making some noise so he didn’t startle him.

He walked over to the table where the curly haired boy was sitting, his back to him. He was wearing a big, gray hoodie in which he almost seemed to drown and it was obvious that he tried to appear absorbed in his writing.

Wille carefully touched his shoulder, shocked to see it made the other boy flinch. He had never flinched under his touch before.

‘Shit, sorry,’ he apologized quickly, ‘hej.’

He lowered himself down in one of the chairs next to Simon, who had officially reached the next level of jitteriness. His leg was constantly jiggling as he was staring off in the distance, not even acknowledging the fact that Wille was sitting right next to him right now.

Wille was kind of lost about what to do next, not wanting to overstep any boundaries but nevertheless feeling the need to take action. Instead of waiting, he grabbed one of Simons fumbling hands, forcing him to hold still, followed up by speaking his name.

‘Simon.’

He felt the hand trembling into his and it was quickly pulled away again, Simon hiding it under the table, sitting on it instead. Panic mixed with anxiety were clear in his eyes when he finally looked up.

‘We’re going to take a break,’ Wille announced, figuring that he was going to be the one that needed Simon to snap out of it.

‘No, no, no, Wille, I—’

‘I know, Simme,’ he just said.

Notes:

Don't come for me, it was bound to happen...
Can't wait to hear your thoughts about <3

Chapter 12: long awaited

Summary:

There were three things that needed to be done. First of all, Simon had to calm down. Then, Wille had to make sure everything on his laptop was being saved and then closed. They could continue tomorrow. Lastly, they needed to turn off Simons phone, at least until after the deadline, of which Wille wasn’t sure of when it was exactly.

Notes:

The chapter we knew that was coming one day is finally here. It's time to dive into Simons story. Good luck with this one, I'll be waiting on the other side with tissues and hugs.
And of course, another thank you to everyone who sticks with this story, I love every single one of you and am beyond thankful!

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

‘No, no, no, Wille, I—’

‘I know, Simme,’ he just said.

There were three things that needed to be done. First of all, Simon had to calm down. Then, Wille had to make sure everything on his laptop was being saved and then closed. They could continue tomorrow. Lastly, they needed to turn off Simons phone, at least until after the deadline, of which Wille wasn’t sure of when it was exactly.

‘There’s just so much I need to get done and I won’t have enough time and even if I had it still won’t be good enough,’ he rambled on and Wille just nodded along, not wanting to make Simon feel as if he was being irrational.

‘I get it, I really do,’ he looked him in the eyes when talking to him, although Simons fluttered around the room. ‘Just a few minutes to calm down, okay?’

Simon clenched his jaw, so tightly that Wille wondered if it didn’t hurt and then a forced breath escaped from his lips.

‘Okay,’ he said, voice tight and overly controlled.

‘Okay,’ Wille repeated, and he reached out to Simons laptop, making sure the other boy was seeing him saving all the documents.

Then he reached out over the table, stacking the books, still open, on top of each other. The loose paper, he put between the pages, where they apparently belonged and from the fact that Simon wasn’t intervening, he supposed he was doing a good job.

And lastly, there was his phone. The device was laying right next to Simons now closed computer and hadn’t made a sound since Wille had arrived. But by the way Simon keep eyeing it, it had done so too regularly during the past few hours.

‘Is it okay if we put your phone on silent?’ he asked, not wanting to just pick it up as he felt like a phone was always something personal.

It was as if the thing had heard them, because suddenly the sound of an incoming message echoed through the room. Their gazes moved from each other to the device and they waited, not knowing what to do with it.

Simons hands fluttered, towards it, then back into his lap, then up again. And then Wille reached out, opening his palms to invite Simon to take his hands instead. And he did. His hands were cold and a little clammy, but Wille didn’t mind.

The phone pinged again and Simon stared at it with a frightened look in his eyes. He pulled his hands out of Willes and stood up, pacing the room up and down.

‘Wille, I don’t want this,’ he said, ‘I thought my dad and I could build it up again but we can’t and now I fucked it up and—‘

Simons voice broke and he swallowed, trying to start talking again but seemingly unable to do so. Wille hated how he himself was just sitting there, completely useless and just listening to Simon, watching him freak out over something Wille couldn’t even start to make any better for him.

’Simon, I don’t think you fucked it up,’ Wille began, but Simon furiously shook his head, walking over to the table to grab his phone.

‘No, I did, I did, he has been telling me the whole day.’

Simon frantically tried to unlock his phone but Wille could see that his hands were shaking and he was having trouble to do so. He didn’t take it from him, though, and instead waited patiently until the phone was almost shoved in his face.

There they were, more than twenty messages from Micke, one more insulting than the other.

Micke: [08:31]
I can’t believe you humiliated us so badly

?

You honestky are a disgrace

Dont forget that you are just like me simon

Micke: [14:28]
Yo u better get your ass over here today

We need to hvae a talk

Micke: [15:43]
Are you ignoring me???

And dont say youre writing that bullshit essay of yours.

And it went on and on. Wille saw that there were texts from the minute they arrived home on Friday, to yesterday when they were in the city and they went on and on today as well. About how he hadn’t answered, how he had humiliated him in public, but also about Simons uni work and writing. Wille noticed the spelling mistakes as well, seeing those as a sign that Micke probably wasn’t sober while writing the texts.

Not knowing what to say, he locked the phone, and Simon took it back from him, clenching it in his hand. Another ping was hearable from the device and then, without warning, Simon flung his phone through the room. It thudded against the wall, the sound of the screen breaking before it hit the ground, bouncing away before laying absolutely still.

Shocked at the sudden outburst, Wille looked at Simon, and then to the phone, and then back to Simon again, who now had his eyes shut tightly. His hands were balled into fists and he was holding his breath as if to keep every single emotion inside of him.

‘I’m just like him,’ he brought out, voice tight with tension. ‘I truly am just like him.’

And then his so carefully build up facade that had been there the last few days, began to crumble. His fists began to shake and his chest heaved with hitching breaths that desperately wanted to get out.

Wille wanted to counter, wanted to scream that he was nothing like him, that he was so so much better. But everything he wanted to say felt empty and didn’t seem to cover the situation. And in the end, what really did he know anyways? So he did the only thing that he felt he could do. He needed Simon to know that it was safe enough to show his emotions.

And so he pushed his chair back, and reached out. He leaned forward to get close to Simons hand, wanting to unclench it, to intertwine his fingers with his, but before he could touch it, Simon spoke up.

‘Don’t,’ he snapped, ‘please don’t.’

The sound of his voice was still tight, but there was a harshness in it as well right now.

‘Okay,’ he said quickly, remembering clearly how he always disliked being touched in a panic attack, only taking comfort out of it afterwards. ‘Okay, I’m sorry.’

‘Please talk to me,’ Wille continued, needing Simon to either be present again or to talk him through it.

‘Let me just…’ Simon brought out instead, now having turned away from both his broken phone and Wille himself, who had sat down again.

Although watching Simon from the back now, he saw the other boy lift one of his hands to his cheeks, with which he could only wipe away a tear and Willes heart clenched. As much as he hated crying himself, he couldn’t remember ever being so ashamed of it as Simon was at the moment.

‘It’s okay, Simme, it’s okay,’ he coaxed softly, ‘you can let it out.’

Simon just shook his head, trying to take a deep breath over and over but failing every single time.

‘Yes, you can,’ Wille said softly, hoping that he could assure Simon that it was, in fact, okay. ‘You have nothing to be ashamed of.’

‘Wille, Wille, please,’ Simon started thickly, but nothing else followed.

‘It’s not your fault, Simme, it’s not your fault, you have to believe me.’

Simon moved and for a second he thought that he would turn around, but instead, his knees buckled, tired of the effort to keep standing and he crouched down on the floor, his arms wrapped around his head. As if trying to hide himself, or shield himself. As if trying to make himself disappear completely, so Wille couldn’t see him anymore.

But he could, and he wanted nothing more than to reach out, hold him. Offer comfort in the way of touch, soft strokes on his back and his fingers streaking the tears from his cheeks. But Simon had said no, and he had to wait for him to come to him.

He watched Simon stretched his knees again, getting up from the floor and hope tugged at him.

‘I won’t think any less of you for showing what you feel, Simon,’ he said, thinking back on the brief conversation they had had about that particular subject.

And that seemed to do the trick. It was the confirmation Simon needed and finally, he turned around, facing Wille.

‘I hate this. I hate this I hate this I hate this,’ he said, a sob forcing its way out which made not all the words as clearly hearable.

He brought his hands up to wipe the tears away but new ones appeared as soon as he did so and Willes hearts broke.

’Simme?’ he asked, reaching out again and this time, Simon didn’t stop him.

Softly, he tugged on the sleeve in which Simon had been hiding his hand in, pulling him towards him as he made to get up again. But before he could do so, Simon sat down on his lap, one leg on either side of his own.

And then finally, Simon let go of the walls around him. Wille didn’t know if it was voluntarily, or if he just couldn’t hold it back anymore, but he was glad he did. Soft sobs turned into harsh weeping, accompanied with a lot of tears, leaving round stains on the hoodie which Wille has hastily pulled on.

But it didn’t matter. Wille didn’t know how long they sat there. It could have been minutes, but it could also have been hours. The emotions came out in waves, going up and down, from hard, frustrated and angry to subdued, almost quiet, but sad. And the whole time, Wille sat there, whispering sweet nothings into Simons ear, reassuring him, calming him down, letting him know he was there.

He didn’t know if his words helped, if Simon even heard any of them, but that didn’t matter to him. All that mattered right now was him being there for Simon, in every way possible.

‘It hurts,’ Simon brought out eventually, repeating it again as he loosened his grip on Willes neck, trying to wrap his arms around himself. Wille could only imagine how much his bruised ribs didn’t like this at all.

He pulled Simon a bit closer onto his lap, trying to embrace him so that he was supporting Simons upper body a bit more, his own chest adding a little pressure every time another wave of sobs racked through his body.

Ultimately, Simon quieted, although he didn’t lift his head up from Willes nape. His whole body was slumped against Willes and for a second, he thought he had fallen asleep. He still didn’t know if Simon had actually pulled an all-nighter, but even if he hadn’t, he was probably feeling drained right now.

‘Simme?’ he asked, breaking the silence that had now fallen over them.

No reaction came, but Simon seemed to bury himself a little deeper into Willes neck.

‘It’s okay, Simme,’ this time continuing, ‘how are you feeling?’

He felt the boy shrug as he was still pressed against him, and decided that that was enough of an answer to him.

‘Let me get you a glass of water.’

Slowly, he unwrapped his arms from around Simon, waiting for the other boy to move with him, which he didn’t. He lifted Simon up the tiniest bit, just so he would have to hold himself upright and was glad to see that that made some sense, as he slowly got up from his lap and moved towards the chair next to them.

The cold air made him shiver as he got up to go to the sink, it harshly contrasting with the warmth Simon had radiated while pressed up against him. His right shoulder was slightly damp but he ignored it, not wanting Simon to feel self-conscious if he saw him touching it.

He found a glass that seemed clean and filled it till it was half full. Then he shuffled back to Simon and handed it to him, watching how he put it to his lips and took a few sips, teeth clattering against it.

‘Here’s what we’re going to do,’ he said, not bothered by Simons irresponsiveness at all. ‘We’re going to take a short walk, just around the block, so you can clear your head. Then, we’re going to eat something and then we’ll get some sleep.’

When Simon nodded, he went to fetch their coats and shoes from the hallway and made sure the both of them were properly dressed this time. He gave Simon the checkered scarf he had been wearing and looked how he almost immediately buried his nose into it, so only his eyes were visible under his dark curls.

The walk was short and slow. Their hands swinging back and fro in-between them while they rounded corner after corner. Neither of them said anything. Wille noticed himself side-eyeing Simon a lot, keeping track of him. His breathing was more regular, deeper and steadier and the anger and frustration seemed to have been blown away by the icy wind.

Once they were back in Simons apartment, he asked him if there was some food in the house, to which the other boy actually answered.

‘There’s some leftover pasta in the kitchen, I suppose I could warm that up,’ he answered, but Wille noticed that he didn’t have the energy to actually get up and prepare it.

‘You just stay seated, is it in the fridge or in the freezer?’ Wille asked, getting up to walk over to the microwave, preparing it.

‘In the fridge.’

Wille felt Simons eyes on his when he rummaged through the kitchen, in search for a plate and cutlery while waiting for the microwave to ping. Five minutes later, some steaming pasta stood in front of Simon.

‘Will you also grab me the ketchup?’

‘The what?’ Wille asked, not sure if had heard him correctly.

‘The ketchup, I always eat my pasta with ketchup.’

‘Remind me again why you have such barbaric eating habits?’ he scoffed, suddenly remembering and a chuckle escaped Simons lips, which made him stand up and actually get the sauce for him.

‘I told you before, you should try it,’ Simon said, challenging him, a glimmer in his eyes right now.

‘Absolutely not.’

‘It’s good, I promise.’

‘Will it make you smile if I do so?’ he asked, raising his eyebrow questioningly.

‘Probably, yes,’ Simon smiled shyly, putting the sauce on top of his meal and started to prepare a bite for him.

‘God, this better not kill me, my mom would horrified.’

‘Good,’ Simon responded, and held the fork out towards him.

Wille narrowed his eyes, eyeing it suspiciously and then leaned in to take the bite. It wasn’t as bad as he expected, but it certainly tasted like bland, cheap pasta sauce. He pulled a face which made Simons look of expectation crumble into laughter and swallowed.

‘Okay, but this was worse than the pineapple on pizza thing you made me eat,’ he said, and Simon rolled his eyes at him.

Then he shrugged and started eating his meal. Wille made sure Simon ate at least half of it and downed another glass of water as well. They chatted a bit about casualties like the food and stuff, just to take the edge off things.

When Simons short burst of energy from the food seemed to die down, Wille decided that is was time to take some action again.

‘You should get some rest,’ he said, breaking the silence in which he had scooped up the plate and rinsed it off.

‘But my essay—,’

He truly couldn’t believe how Simon managed to think about his essay right now. How he was actually thinking that he was going to be able to finish it tonight, after all that had happened.

‘You can finish it tomorrow, there’s still time, right?’ he asked, still not knowing when the other boy had to hand it in.

But Simon nodded. ‘I have until Tuesday, but—‘

Wille looked at him, and apparently that look was stern enough for Simon to not finish his sentence.

‘We can work on it tomorrow, together, if you want to. We’ll just pick up our study sessions again. I can be here as early as you want me to.’

He then saw something change in Simons face, an emotion flashing over his features he hadn’t seen that strongly on the boy before. Insecurity. Mixed with just the tiniest bit of fear. And Wille frowned.

‘You’re not staying?’ Simon asked, his voice almost a whisper.

‘Do you want me to?’

And Simon nodded, averting his eyes.

‘Hej, look at me,’ and he waited until Simon did so before continuing. ‘I will, I wasn’t sure if you wanted me to, but I will, don’t worry about it.’

‘Okay,’ he said softly.

‘Go get ready then.’

Fifteen minutes later, they were in bed. The both of them were laying on their backs, staring at the ceiling as if waiting for something.

‘I should tell you what is going on,’ Simon stated, making it sound as if he it wasn’t about his own life, but about someone else’s instead.

‘You don’t have to if you don’t want to,’ Wille responded, the distance in Simons voice scaring him a little bit. He turned his head so he could glance at the boy next to him, but he had an unreadable expression on his face.

‘It’ll only make things worse if I don’t.’

Once again, Wille admired Simons strength and decisiveness. The effort it had taken for Wille himself to open up had been so scary but for some reason, when Simon did it, it looked easy. He knew it wasn’t, though, that much was clear for him now. But it felt to him as if Simon always knew what to do, what to say and how to handle things.

‘I don’t really know where to start, because I never really talk about it but my parents divorced when I was thirteen. It had already become very bad at home, but there was nothing we could do.’

Simon paused, and Wille waited for him to organize his thoughts.

‘Me and my dad used to get along very well. He always took me to football matches and on day trips. He even got me my first keyboard. But then something changed, I still don’t really know what because my mom doesn’t like to talk about it either, but he began drinking.’

‘Most of the times, it was in the evenings,’ Simon continued, ‘and when we were younger, we had already gone to bed. But as we got older, we saw more and more of what actually happened at those times.’

Simons voice sounded tight, as if holding himself in check and Wille didn’t know if he could reach out or if he would deny being touched again. But then, the covers rustled and he could just make out that Simon had turned to face him, face just peaking out above the blanket.

‘So one night, he had come home drunk when mom had a night shift and we were alone with him, me and Sara,’ and then his voice broke for real.

Although it was dark in the room, Wille looked up to were he supposed Simons eyes would be. He had the feeling Simon wasn’t meeting his, though.

‘Fuck, I don’t want to cry again,’ he said with a trembling voice, sounding frustrated with himself.

‘It’s okay, Simon, like I said before.’

He heard the boy take a couple of deep breaths before he continued again.

‘Sara had had a shit day at school, because she was being bullied, and he said some nasty shit, which made her even more upset. And then instead of comforting her, he got mad and he slapped her.’

The heaviness of the situation slowly dawned on Wille and he lay as still as possible, not wanting Simon to stop talking now he had finally begun.

‘Of course I told mom what had happened and she confronted him, but it didn’t help. And from then on, it just got worse and worse, him beating up either my mom or me. I made sure to always jump in front of Sara when he lashed out at her and I think he hates me for that.’

‘I remember one time it was so bad and I was so scared at what was going to happen, that I started crying before he even hit me. The look on his face was just—‘ Simon swallowed, momentarily unable to continue.

‘He then scolded me, telling me I was weak, calling me a cry baby, said I had to man up. So from that moment on, I did. I tried to protect my mom and my sister, but I also missed my dad, so bad.’

‘And you know,’ he said softly, ‘sometimes the old dad came back, all of the sudden, like nothing had changed. But at the end of the day, that made the whole situation even more unbearable.’

‘When my mom finally had saved enough money to get us a place of our own, she went to the police and my dad was taken away from us. We didn’t see him for years then and only knew that he went to rehab.’

Simon then let a short silence fall and Wille tried to let it sink in. There was so much more to the situation than he had considered in the first place and although his dad had called him weak apparently more often than not, Wille thought that laying next to him right now was some of the strongest persons he had ever met.

‘Anyways,’ Simon said, finding his voice again, ‘during the years, I think I was the only one who tried to stay in contact every now and then. He would always let me know where he lived, or when he had gotten out of another rehab or therapy. Sometimes, we would meet up, but I always left disappointed. The three of us don’t really talk about it and I know that Sara disapproves. But I could never resist him like she could.’

‘So this time, when he texted me that he was out of rehab again, for the umpteenth time, he promised me he would do better, and for some reason, I believed that. But I was also holding back and not that sure if I wanted to meet up with him at all, which is why he showed up when you saw us at the library.’

‘Wait, he just turned up without you inviting him?’ Wille asked, needing clarification on that part.

Simon nodded. ‘Yeah. And after that, when we were— you know, not really speaking, I went to his place, which turned out to be across from my work, which is why he knew how and where to find me.

‘I just thought he— wanted to see me, to get to know me again. But then he just wanted money and when I didn’t give it to him, he grabbed me and told me to get out of his sight.’

A chill went through Willes body when Simon finished his last sentence. In that time, he had been so busy with himself that he had had no idea what had been going on with Simon, but he figured that with the way Simon had hidden it, he also couldn’t have known. He hated how Simon had gotten so good in processing things just for himself, without telling others, how he had seen that as a necessity.

‘But I forgot my coat, because I ran out as quickly as I could. And the rest you saw…’

Wille found himself reliving the moment in the cafe, the despair he felt, the anger at this man he didn’t know, the way he wanted to protect Simon from him.

‘Can I ask you something?’ speaking up a second time now.

Simon hummed and he asked the question he had wanted to ask for quite some time by now.

‘Why did you go back?’

Simon chuckled sadly.

‘Because I for some reason believed that he had bettered himself. Because I wanted to rebuild what we had had when I was very little. Because I just want to have a nice dad, and maybe if I was being nice to him and giving him a chance, he would be nice to me as well.’

It almost sounded as something a child would say and they both realized that. But it was also clearly something Simon so deeply desired that he gave him chance after chance, with no evidence of improvement.

‘I’m so sorry,’ Wille said eventually, realizing that Simon was probably waiting for him to say something.

‘I’m so sorry that happened to you, to all of you, actually. And I get it, that you just wanted your dad back. I had the same with my mom after my brother died.’

He swallowed, throat suddenly tight.

‘I needed her, and she wasn’t available, still really isn’t. And then you’re just left there, longing for the person they were before everything went wrong.’

Simon nodded, a hint of relief radiating off of him, clearly glad that Wille understood what he meant. And so he scooted nearer, closing the gap between them and almost knocking their knees together.

Up close, he could see Simons cheeks were wet and he rubbed his thumbs over them, caressing the tears away.

’There’s one more thing you need to know,’ he whispered so softly Wille almost missed it.

He nodded encouragingly, letting Simon turn on his back and he rested his hand on his chest, feeling the rise and fall going along with his respiration.

‘When you disappeared, I was scared. And then after that, even more scared that once I’d go back to you, you would leave again. Because that is what my dad does. And that’s also what my previous boyfriend, Oskar, did. He was just like my dad, and it took ages for me to finally leave him.’

‘Did he beat you?’ Wille asked almost too quickly, not knowing if he wanted to hear the answer.

But thankfully, Simon shook his head. ‘I made sure I was out of the way whenever he had drunk. I let him direct our relationship, let him come and go whenever he pleased and made sure he didn’t have a reason to lash out at me.’

‘But I always returned to him, and I hate that I did so.’

A sigh escaped Simons lips and Wille felt that he was done talking. The story hung above them in the dark room and he was scrambling his thoughts to say something. Something comforting, maybe something uplifting. But he found himself at loss for words.

Simon had told him he was prone to give people another chance, but he hadn’t known the price had been so high for him. And he certainly hadn’t known how much anxiety he had caused on Simon for not interacting, even though they had cleared it out between them. He totally understood that he had doubted him, had been stressed out about giving someone yet another chance, especially as it had always been held against him when he did so.

‘I’m sorry for all this,’ Simon said, insecurity lacing his voice. ‘I know it’s a lot and—‘

‘It’s okay, thank you so much for telling me,’ he interrupted before Simon could apologize any further.

And,’ he continued, ‘I want to apologize again for leaving you in the dark back then. I didn’t know it would’ve have such a big impact on you. I’m really sorry.’

‘You didn’t know, Wille.’

‘But still.’

This time, he could feel their eyes lock. He moved his arm, which was still on Simons chest to pull him towards him, feeling Simon turning over willingly. He pressed him closely towards his chest, trying to pour all the emotions he felt about the story into the embrace.

You’re so strong, Simme,’ he whispered into his ear, curls tickling his face when he did so. ‘I’m so so proud of you.’

He felt Simon shake against him and he held him even closer. He suspected fresh tears were falling down, and he hated how quiet they were. And so he muttered sweet nothings into his ear. Telling him how proud he was. Thanking him for telling him. For trusting him. Letting him know that it was going to be okay. He talked and talked and talked until his voice was the only sound left that filled the room.

Simon had dozed off, exhausted from long day full of studying and emotions.

He leaned back a bit, just enough to get a glimpse of Simons face. His features were relaxed again and other than the now dried tears on his cheeks, nothing would suggest that he had had a shit day.

Softly, Wille ran his thumb over his soft skin, tracing the outline of his cheekbone, careful around the cut, which had healed quite a bit by now. He let his hand disappear into Simons hair and moved all the way over his back, until it rested comfortably. And with one last thought on his mind, he too, fell asleep.

I want him to be my boyfriend.

Notes:

Can't wait to hear your thoughts!! Please leave a comment or send me a dm on twitter!
As promised, this was the last sad chapter. It's time for our boys to heal and grow now.

Chapter 13: promise me

Summary:

Simon hadn’t felt this well-rested in about a week and before he could question why, he noticed he almost couldn’t be laying any closer to Wille.

Notes:

Here we are again, chapter 13!! It's time to be a little bit easier on our boys and I really hope you'll enjoy this new and more comforting era <3

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Simon hadn’t felt this well-rested in about a week and before he could question why, he noticed he almost couldn’t be laying any closer to Wille. It took him a minute to gather his thoughts as to why he had slept here before embarrassment took the upper hand, not-so-friendly reminding him about the events of last night. He really wanted to disappear.

Wille was still asleep next to him and he took a moment to admire the sight, using it as a distraction from his own mind. Willes soft hair was tangled up, and even in the soft morning glow, he couldn’t quite name the colour of it. His cheek was flattened against the pillow and Simon only now noticed that his arm was still around him, holding him in place.

He smiled to himself, but it was a weak one. Empty was the only word he could us to describe how he was feeling right now, and he didn’t think he disliked a feeling more that he did this one.

As much as he wanted to stay in bed, to freeze the moment of absolute stillness around him in time, he couldn’t. He couldn’t because his skin was crawling and the longer he was laying there, the more thoughts came flooding back about yesterday.

He couldn’t help but feel embarrassed. It had been a long time since he had had an outburst like that, and to have one in front of the boy he really, really liked, flooded him with shame. Wille had told him it was all okay, and that is was nothing to feel self-conscious about, but he still felt that way.

Needing to do something, he quietly got out of bed, not wanting to wake Wille up. He changed into yet another set of comfortable clothing, needing something fresh on him after yesterday, and made his way into the living room. The curtains were still half opened and nothing had really changed since they left for bed last night.

The table was still stacked with books, the plates were still all over the counter, his phone was still on the floor, screen facing down. Within two steps, he reached it, picking it up carefully, as if it would explode if he handled it too rough. He pushed the button on the side and to his relief, the screen didn’t turn on. It really was broken.

He never expected to be this happy about his phone being shattered, but he felt the knot in his stomach release a bit. Because this meant his dad couldn’t reach him. He could just text Sara with Willes phone, let her know that he was inaccessible, but other than that, this was just perfect.

Letting the device fall down on the floor again, he made his way over to the table, plopping down on the same chair he had sat in all day yesterday. One look at the clock told him he still had twenty nine hours before the deadline. For some reason, his professor had decided that she preferred deadlines at noon instead of midnight, and Simon always had to remind himself of it whenever he had to hand something in.

With a sigh, he started to open up his books again. He was so done with it. The essay had seemed fun at first, but as soon as his feedback had arrived, he had just wanted to quit. As always when his writing was criticized, he took it way too personal, making him want to just stop as it would never be good enough anyways. He always poured his heart and soul into it, but that also meant that for him, it felt like as if he personally was criticized, instead of just his paper.

He started to read through some stuff he wrote yesterday, correcting lines his tired head had screwed up and was happy to see it wasn’t all bullshit. He worked steadily on for some time before Willes voice made him jump.

‘Good morn— oh! I didn’t mean to startle you.’

‘It’s okay, I was just focussed.’ Simon smiled reassuring at him. ‘Good morning.’

‘How are you feeling?’ Wille sat down on the chair next to him, rubbing his face sleepily.

Simon shrugged. ‘I have been better, I guess.’

He knew he had to be honest this time. After last night, Wille would probably easily prick through any facade he would try to hold up.

The other boy nodded understandingly and gave him one of his soft smiles, the smile Simon found he loved so much.

‘Did you have breakfast already?’

‘No, I have to get this done first,’ he answered, nodding his head towards his laptop.

‘We’re going to have breakfast, Simon,’ Wille countered and he averted his eyes from Wille back to his screen, blankly this time.

He looked back up when Wille moved away, walking over to the cupboards in search of something edible. He felt another burst of shame rise in him knowing that there barely was anything left, as hard as Wille would search for something. After a minute, he seemed to have concluded just that, but thankfully, he didn’t comment on it.

During the scanty breakfast, which contained two brown bananas and some yoghurt, they made a plan for the day. Well, Wille made a plan and Simon couldn’t do anything else than agreeing with it, both adored and scared of the stern look on the other boys face.

‘It’s gonna be fine, Wille, don’t worry.’

‘You said that before, and it didn’t go so well,’ Wille responded bluntly and Simons cheeks colored.

‘Let’s just pile this up and then you can get started, okay?’

Simon nodded quickly before the room was filled with the sound of scratching chairs and rumbling tableware. After that, he ran to the bathroom to freshen up and brush his teeth and then started to set up his stuff on the table, making sure everything he needed to finish up was within reach.

‘You can shower here, if you want to? Simon offered and Wille nodded thankfully before disappearing into the bathroom.

When he heard the water running, Simon took a moment for himself, thinking about how this morning went pretty well already and he noticed he felt relieved after yesterdays events. He hated to admit it, but it had really lifted some weight off his chest to just talk about it. And so did Willes planning for today. Maybe he didn’t need to do everything alone anymore.

He barely noticed Wille returning to the living room, making another cup of coffee for himself before sitting down on the couch. Simons fingers just kept going and going over the keyboard and he didn’t really know where all the words came from. It was like his brain was vomiting them on the paper, without himself knowing what they really said. He just blamed his cleared up mind for it.

After a while, he didn’t really know how long he had been typing away, Wille came into view next to him and Simon forced himself to look up.

‘I wanted to get changed,’ Wille announced while gesturing to himself, ‘and I was wondering if you’d like anything special for lunch?’

‘Well, I think anything other than moldy bread would be great,’ he said, and he earned himself a chuckle from the other boy. ‘But really, get whatever you like.’

He watched as Wille walked up to the tap, filling a glass of water before speaking again.

‘Okay, see you in about an hour and make sure this is empty by then.’

He emphasized his words by putting the glass down a little too hard.

‘Yes, sir,’ Simon saluted at him, before returning to his work. He heard Wille rustling in the hallway when something suddenly shot into his mind.

‘Wille, wait!’

He quickly got up and went over to his messy kitchen drawer, rummaging through it before clenching his fist around what he was looking for.

‘Take this.’

He walked up to the confused looking boy before pushing a spare key into his hands.

‘You can keep it.’

Simon watched the confused expression change into a tearful one before this time, he himself closed the gap between them, pecking Wille on his lips.

‘Thank you,’ he said, breaking the kiss, before turning around and leaving the hallway, smile on his face as he noticed how it took Wille a moment to gather himself and leave.

 

Simon smiled to himself when he heard the key being put in the door a while later. He heard Wille let himself in, making a bit more noise than he would probably normally do, as if he didn’t want to startle him again.

He absentmindedly responded to Willes greeting and went back to work, Willes rummaging around adding to his working ambience.

‘Lunch is in an hour,’ he announced and Simon nodded, not really comprehending what that meant at that moment.

The hour flew by and before he knew it, Wille was standing next to him again, pulling back a chair to sit down next to him.

‘It’s time to have a break and eat something.’

He hummed absently in response, not looking up or away or moving to get ready to actually take a break. He just wanted to keep working, they could eat later, right?

‘Simme…’

‘I’m not hungry,’ he said hastily, feeling bad for being irresponsive.

‘We are gonna take a break any way,’ Wille stated, sitting down, probably hoping to get his attention. And it worked, because Simon forced himself to look up.

He felt the hands starting to shake and balled them into fists. Wille was right, he should take a break and he shouldn’t be afraid to take one.

‘Your work won’t be any less good if you take a thirty minutes break, Simme.’

‘Let me just finish this paragraph?’

Wille gave him a look before nodding, watching how he typed away some more words. Eventually, he leaned back in his chair and Wille saw that as his chance to intervene

‘Ready?’ he asked, and although his eyes were still roaming the screen in front of him, he nodded, pushing his laptop out of his own reach.

‘Let’s just go for it, otherwise it’s never gonna happen.’

He nodded to himself in conclusion before actually getting up and away from the table. He was soon joined by Wille and together they set everything up on the side table at the coach and then sat down again, ready to have lunch.

Simon felt his back sigh in relief for having something else to sit on instead of his hardback chair and he took a moment to just relax before getting himself some of the bread Wille had gotten them.

‘How much work do you have left?’ Wille asked, breaking the silence after a while.

‘Not that much, actually. I only need to write the ending and my analysis and then read it over a couple times, but I’m almost done.’

‘Are you up for a walk after that?’

‘Yeah, I think so, I should probably also get a new phone.’

‘Think you can handle the torturous cold?’ Wille joked, and Simon gave him a look. He hated this weather, but he couldn’t stay in forever. Besides, the sun was supposed to be out this afternoon, so maybe they could catch the sunset.

‘Can I text Sara from your phone, by the way?’ he asked when he had finished chewing. ‘I should probably let her know that mine is broken.’

‘Of course,’ Wille nodded, ‘I don’t think I have her number in my phone, though, but you can add it.’

Wille handed his phone over and Simon quickly added Sara to his contacts and then opened a new chat, letting his sister know that he was okay, just studying and that his phone had fallen on his way back from the supermarket, so that he wasn’t attainable right now.

‘Let me know if she texts anything back,’ Simon said, handing the phone back to Wille, who nodded.

‘I will.’

And then Wille opened his mouth, and closed it again.

‘What did you want to say?’

‘No, nothing really.’

Wille sounded hesitant and Simon was pretty sure that he actually did want to say something, but was holding back.

‘No, it’s fine,’ Simon reassured, speaking a bit softer now. ‘What do you wanna talk about?’

‘About us…’

‘Oh.’

‘Yeah…’

‘I kinda saw that coming.’

‘It’s just, we don’t want to rush each other, so I didn’t initiate anything too-, you know, and neither did you, but I feel like you want to? And it just confuses me a bit.’

Wille scrunched up his face, visibly annoyed by his own inability to form a coherent sentence, but Simon nodded.

‘Yeah, I get that, I think,’ he responded, although a little taken aback by Willes directness.

Wille nodded, frown on his face. ‘I think we just had a pretty shitty start, I don’t know,’ he shrugged, ‘but I also like, really like you…’

His voice got softer towards the end of the sentence and Simon quickly spoke up, wanting to reassure the other boy.

‘I think the fact that we already got through this, says a lot, to be honest,’ he said, ‘and I don’t think I have felt this safe with someone in a long time.’

Now it was his time to look away, not wanting the vulnerability that was probably in his eyes to be seen by Wille. He felt Wille play with his hair, streaking a stray curl back behind his ear and suddenly he felt bold enough to tell Wille.

‘I just don’t want to loose you.’

He bit his lip. He hadn’t really intended to say it just like that and he side-eyed the boy next to him, almost waiting for him to get up and leave.

‘Neither do I.’

The soft words hung in the room, taking up space between them and Simon felt himself deflate. He hadn’t realized he was still holding so much tension and he let the air escape past his lips, mixing with the stillness around him.

Wille turned his head so he could look Simon directly in the eyes before asking the one question that he had probably wanted to ask for a while now.

‘Simon, then what is it between us?’

He gathered himself before speaking up, but he knew beforehand that he couldn’t get that word over his lips. Not right now. Not so soon. Because what if?

‘I think we can be, you know, more.’

Their eyes locked and Simon saw the pieces fall into place in Willes head. Because it wasn’t Willes doing that he felt like the way he did right now. The fright of being left alone again. The anxious feeling he got from a word as simple as “boyfriend”. The fact that he was so close to this terminology again, after having such a bad experience with it. The fear of being that vulnerable again.

He knew that Wille could read all that in his eyes right now and for once he was thankful for the fact that he was so easy to read every now and then, and that Wille was so observant. Because that meant in this case that he didn’t have to voice it.

But he saw confirmation in Willes gaze, piercing so strongly into his that he felt in his whole body that Wille was okay with it. That small gestures like dinners and soft smiles and exchanged keys would be enough. That they still knew where they stood right now, and that there had to happen a lot before either of them would abandon the other.

‘Lets just leave it at that for now,’ Wille said softly.

 

The rest of the afternoon consisted of Simon typing away on his laptop and Wille making sure that he drank glasses of water and tea and had a snack or two in-between. At four, he decided that they should have their walk, preferably into the city centre and he picked up his phone from the floor.

They had been stepping around it for the whole day, as if by leaving it on the floor they let each other know that it wasn’t the right time to talk about it. Simon knew they should, or he should at least answer any questions Wille had left now he had time to process everything that happened yesterday as well.

So when they were pulling their coats on, he finally picked the device up and put it in his pocket. Part of him was hoping it was beyond repair, so he could get a new number as well. But money wise he hoped they could fix his old one.

‘Are you going to block him? Your dad? When your phone is fixed?’ Wille asked eventually, when they were waiting for a red light.

‘I can’t, Wille,’ and even he heard the sadness in his voice.

‘Why not?’

The question was carefully asked and Simon was glad that he didn’t respond judgmentally, which had happened to him more than once before.

‘He’s my dad, you know, I can’t just block him.’

Wille stayed quiet for a long time when he said that, studying the red light, lost in thought. Simon felt himself tense up again and it was as if Wille felt that, because when the light finally turned green, he reached out and entwined their fingers.

‘I’m not going to tell you that you have to, but I think that after everything he did to you, you have every right to do so.’

He felt Willes thumb rubbing atop his hand, back and fro, an easing movement. He didn’t say anything back and just let the statement tumble through his brain. Because part of him knew that Wille was right, and if something like this happened to someone close to him, he would advice the same. But the other part of him still struggled with accepting the fact that his dad would never, ever be a proper dad to him. Not anymore.

Eventually, they reached the shop where Simon had been once before to get a new screen protector. After greeting the shopowner, an older guy who looked exactly like someone who took electric devices apart for fun, Simon explained a made up story about what happened to his phone and the both of them watched the man examine it.

‘This is not that hard to fix,’ he mumbled to himself and looked at Simon over the rim of his glasses before speaking up louder. ‘You’re lucky. You can wait for it here if you want to.’

Simon smiled, albeit tiny and nodded before watching how the man took his phone to the back of the store and didn’t return for the next 15 minutes.

While waiting, they roamed the store for a bit, Simon finding himself surprised with how much Wille knew about the latest technology and before they knew it, the man returned from the back.

He handed Simon his phone back and it really did look brand-new. He thanked the man before pushing the on-button and his screen lit up. As he was paying, the device in his hand started pinging and he quickly switched it on silent.

‘Apparently someone missed you a lot,’ the shopowner said, smiling at the both of them.

‘Yeah,’ Simon smiled back halfheartedly, ‘I guess so.’

They thanked the man for his effort and most of all the really fast reparation and left the store, Simon holding the now vibrating phone in front of him as if it was a bomb on the edge of exploding.

Once outside, he switched the vibrating off as well, but that didn’t stop the texts from appearing. Together, they stared at the phone, which kept spewing new messages full of accusations, curses and empty threats onto his lock screen.

‘So, are you going to text him back or?’

The look on Willes face was baffled, and it was clear that he had absolutely no idea how to handle this situation.

‘I don’t know, Wille. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.’

‘Have you told you mom?’ Wille asked carefully and Simon shook his head.

‘I didn’t want her to worry and it will only make her sad when she hears about it.’

‘But this isn’t manageable either, Simme,’ Wille softly continued and Simon knew he was right. It wasn’t.

‘I’ll think about it, okay?’

Wille nodded and interlinked their hands together again, pulling him with him in the direction of their street.

 

Every time Wille reached out these days Simon felt himself getting grounded. It was as if through all the events of the past couple days, every little touch from Wille made him realize where he was, what was important and that he had to remember to breathe. It helped. It helped him in a way he would never be able to admit to Wille. But it was something he was beyond thankful for, especially these days.

Once back at his apartment, Simon quickly abandoned his phone again, not knowing what to do with it. He placed it on his nightstand and then returned to the kitchen, ready to make some dinner together with Wille.

They hadn’t even arranged to have dinner together, but Wille seemed to have decided that he was going to stay at least until Simons essay was done and Simon wasn’t complaining. It was also very nice that he didn’t have to voice his need for Wille to stay, but that he just understood.

They cooked a proper meal and just chatted about everything and nothing, mainly staying with small talk. They even managed to do the dishes afterwards.

‘I’m so not looking forward to the rest of the evening,’ Simon said when they were almost done, hands still buried in the soapy water.

‘Didn’t know my company was that bad,’ Wille joked, fake dismay lacing through the words and he bumped his hip against Simons.

‘You know that’s not what I meant,’ Simon exclaimed, spatting some of the soapy water in his direction in return but Wille dodged it, laughter rolling off his lips.

When he was finished, he started returning all the plates and mugs to their rightful places, reaching high on his toes to get everything back in the cabinets.

When he set his heels back down, he noticed how close they were standing next to each other and a spark of tension flitted through the room. Simon saw Willes eyes flick down to his lips before meeting his again and felt himself doing the same. He searched the brown eyes opposite him for confirmation and a soft smile appeared on Willes lips before he leaned in.

The kiss was gentle, careful even and while Simons hand was still in Willes hair, the other one came up to rest in his neck. Meanwhile he felt Willes hands roaming his back, fingers gripping his shirt. They only broke away when Simon needed air, elated smiles breaking the tensity between them.

Encouraged by the confirmation, Wille closed the gap between them for a second time, pushing Simon slightly against the counter and Simon couldn’t help himself but let a chuckle escape from his lips before returning the kiss. This time, Wille broke away first and he let out the most embarrassing whimper, making Wille laugh.

‘I could do this all night, but we both know you have a deadline to meet.’

Simon groaned. ‘Don’t remind me.’

He padded over to the table, reinstalling his workspace which he had cleared earlier for dinner while Wille walked over to the couch again and soon the room was quiet, filled only with noises of typing and turning pages.

 

As Simon was reading his essay for the umpteenth time, Wille sat on the couch, reading a book about some medical issues Simon had never even heard about. But then the silence was interrupted by a rapid knocking on the door.

Simon looked up, making eye contact with Wille on the other side of the room and started to get up, wondering who it could be.

‘I’ll get it, you work on,’ Wille said, quickly getting to his feet and walking towards the front door.

As soon as the door opened, a familiar voice filled the hallway and Simon jumped up, almost knocking his glass off the table before pressing his back against the fridge. His dad was here.

‘Hej, is Simon home?’ he heard him ask, and he silently prayed Wille would say no. For a long second, not a single sound was to be heard, and then Wille spoke up.

‘He isn’t,’ he heard Wille say in a cold tone he had never heard him use before.

‘And I think that if he was, he wouldn’t want you to be here,’ he continued.

He heard Micke stutter. The kind of stuttering he always did when he was trying to apologize for his drunken actions.

‘But— but I only want to see him and tell him how— say how sorry I am for what happened.’

‘Trust me, he has enough going on right now. I’ll tell him you came by and I suggest you wait till he contacts you again.’

‘Who the fuck do you think you are?’ Mickes voice switched to a hissing and without a single hesitation, Wille answered, tone just as low and venomous.

‘His boyfriend.’

It took Simon everything not to gasp audibly. Just in time, he clammed his hand over his mouth, holding his breath to listen to the conversation continuing.

‘This is such a joke,’ he heard Micke mutter to himself, repeating it a few times.

‘Now, get out before I call the police,’ Wille spat out and Simon heard the door slam shut, followed by a deafening silence.

Simon wasn’t even comprehending what just happened. How did Micke know where he lived? How had Wille stayed so calm and collected? Did he really say boyfriend? Fright tore through his insides and he took a deep, shuddering breath.

So Wille did want to be his boyfriend. He was just waiting, right there for him to say the words. To label it as it was. And then the overwhelming feeling of love ran through his body, driving the fear away and making his knees buckle.

Willes approaching footsteps was the only thing that kept him upright and with wide eyes, he watched Wille return to the kitchen, knowing that his own eyes were probably just as big.

‘Did you hear all of that?’ Wille asked, clearly nervous that he had made him uncomfortable by the statement he had made.

‘No,’ he lied, ‘only the beginning and you threatening to call the police.’

This seemed to relax Wille a bit more.

‘Okay, okay good.’

‘Are you okay?’ Simon asked, reaching out to grip Willes shoulders.

‘Yeah, just a bit shaken, I guess. Are you? I mean—?’

‘Don’t worry about it.’

‘Simon.’

‘I just— fuck.’

‘Hey…’

He let his hands fall down as they began to tremble and he quickly balled them into fists. Trying to steady them. His eyes roamed Willes posture, which was tight and tense, clearly still on edge.

‘Maybe we should talk to my mom,’ he eventually said, not being able to take the look on Willes face any longer.

‘Do you want me to come with you?’

And he nodded, silently thanking the other boy for not having to ask.

‘I do need to sit down for a bit, though,’ Wille stuttered then and Simon pulled him with him to the couch, trying to keep up a strong front.

He watched how Wille took a few deep breaths, trying to even out his respiration again, his hand clammy in his own trembling one.

‘How does he know where you live?’ Wille asked and his voice sounded a bit more stable again.

‘I don’t know,’ Simon answered, ‘but he always seems to find me again.’

‘Will you promise to tell me when he shows up again?’ Wille asked, and he said it with such a force that Simon actually recoiled.

‘Yeah, I will, don’t w—‘

‘And you’re not allowed to say “don’t worry” anymore.’

This made Simon chuckle and the tension between them disappeared. Unconsciously, he caressed the scratch on his cheekbone, which had almost healed by now. Willes hand followed his own and then Wille cupped his cheeks, pulling him in.

It was more than a peck again this time and Willes lips were soft against his own chapped ones. He had the bad habit of biting them when he was focused on something and now with his essay they were properly messed up.

When they broke apart, he leaned forward, resting his head against Willes chest, slowly breathing out.

‘Thank you for standing up against him,’ he whispered, silently hoping his words would get lost in the soft cloth of Willes sweater, but the other boy caught them anyways.

‘Any time.’

The rest of the evening they spent together on the couch, putting on a show Simon had been watching before his deadline. He couldn’t really focus on it, but with Wille in his vicinity he never quite could on anything. It didn’t matter.

What did, though, was that Simon hadn’t asked him to stay over again, but that he had just decided that he would. Simon loved that about him. He always had had a hard time voicing his needs, especially when he needed help, but with Wille is was just so much easier. Still uncomfortable, yes. But easier.

When they headed to bed, Simon felt calm. He knew he could finish his essay tomorrow morning. He knew that was enough time and he was content with it, so that was that. He was glad that he could almost scratch something off his list.

‘Am I going to wake up alone again?’ Wille asked when they had laid down together, and although it felt as a joke, there was something in Willes voice that made Simon want to answer honestly.

‘Probably, yeah,’ he responded, ‘but that’s only because once I wake up, I feel all jittery and I just have to get out of bed to finish my essay. It doesn’t have anything to do with you.’

Wille hummed, rolling a little bit closer and Simon felt him press his face into the crook of his neck. His other arm was slung around his waist and Simon decided that nothing would ever make him feel more consoled than this did.

He loved how careful Wille was with him. How he treated him and his body and mind with a softness and an awareness he wasn’t used to. And he knew it wasn’t just because his ribs still hurt like hell, because he had done it the same before that had happened.

‘Promise to wake me up tomorrow?’

‘You don’t have to, Wille.’

‘But I want to.’

‘Then I’ll wake you up.’

Without turning around, he just knew that Wille was smiling, and with that, he felt his mind ease and found himself falling into an easy sleep.

Notes:

All the comments mean the world, keep them coming!!

Chapter 14: the good and the bad

Summary:

‘Wille?’

‘Wille…’

He blinked drowsily, slowly opening one eye to see Simon next to him, holding himself up with one arm. It took him a minute to process why Simon was waking him up until he realized it, just in time to suppress a groan so Simon wouldn’t feel bad about it. He had told him he should wake him up.

Notes:

Chapter 14 already! I can't believe how fast it's all going and I'm so happy that a lot of you are here every week to read the story I made up!! really really thankful. We're meeting Linda in this chapter and have an important talk with her an oh, some flirting is going on... Enjoy!!

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

‘Wille?’

‘Wille…’

He blinked drowsily, slowly opening one eye to see Simon next to him, holding himself up with one arm. It took him a minute to process why Simon was waking him up until he realized it, just in time to suppress a groan so Simon wouldn’t feel bad about it. He had told him he should wake him up.

‘Good morning,’ he croaked, clearing his throat before speaking up again. ‘Did you sleep well?’

Simon nodded and there was a hint of guilt on his face while he observed Willes.

He managed a small smile before he rolled closer to Simon, sprawling on top of him which earned him a huff of laughter from the curly haired boy. Shit, he was so done with this essay and it wasn’t even his own. He just wanted Simon for himself at this point.

‘This is early even for me,’ he brought out, hiding his face in the crook of Simons neck.

‘Wille,’ he felt Simon wriggle underneath him and suddenly remembered that he might be hurting the boys ribs.

‘Oh shit, am I hurting you?’

He quickly moved off of him, scanning Simons face with worried eyes.

‘It wasn’t that bad, they’re actually feeling better today.’

Wille watched him closely before deciding he was being honest and then scooted away, making sure their legs stayed intertwined though.

‘Last day,’ he mumbled, stroking a stray curl away from Simons forehead, and Simon nodded.

‘Last day,’ Simon confirmed, a tiny smile washing over his features.

‘Breakfast?’

Simon nodded and Wille pushed himself upright in a futile effort to wake himself up a little more. He needed coffee. Normally, he wasn’t like this, but he as well felt the past few days wearing him down.

 

Simon made him his coffee just how he liked it the most and Wille couldn’t be more thankful for that this morning. The proper breakfast also helped him a lot and then he waited for Simon to get out of the bathroom so he could freshen up as well.

Every time he showered at Simons apartment, it felt like that was his alone time to think about stuff. And once again, there was a lot to think about. Because how the hell had Micke known where Simon lived and how was he going to protect him against his father?

Wille could feel his heartbeat pick up by just thinking about their confrontation yesterday.

And then there was the fact that he had stayed yet another night, without Simon asking him to. He felt like all the things that had happened already made Simon feel either guilty or self-conscious, so he tried to do a lot of things for him in a quiet way. He had noticed how hard it was for Simon to open up and voice his needs, and if Wille could, for now, make sure that he didn’t have to ask for certain things, he did so.

Was that the most healthy thing? Probably not, and he realized that. But it seemed to be such a big part of who Simon was at this moment and with everything else going on right now, this just wasn’t the time to talk about that as well. And Wille had noticed that Simon knew about this personality treat himself.

But looking back on Simons past, and the insights he had on that right now, he understood where certain things came from. The not asking for help, the avoidance of confrontation and not to forget, the fact that labeling their relationship right now was still too much for him.

He had to admit that when they started dating in the first place, he had thought that he would be the one who would chicken out of a relationship. Simon had way more experience than he did and at that time had seemed more put together than Wille had ever felt in his entire life. But now that Simons insecurities were so close to the surface, it showed how vulnerable he actually was.

That’s why Wille had decided not to push him to label anything. They would figure it out after this stressful period was over and it was clear enough that Simon really wanted to, but at this point, was still too afraid.

He rinsed himself off, watching the soap disappear through the drain and reached around the shower curtain to grab his towel. The fact that he had his own things here felt strangely domestic and he couldn’t help but enjoy the feeling of it. The two toothbrushes next to each other on the sink, his towel next to Simons, the constant smell of Simons shampoo mixed with his own.

It made him smile. A smile that had made his cheeks hurt at first as if his muscles had forgotten how to smile. He couldn’t remember the last time he felt this happy around someone. Even though it was hard right now and even though things weren’t ideal, he loved what they had and he knew that he would put anything aside to make Simon feel consoled these days.

After dressing himself in yesterdays clothes, a pair of jeans, white t-shirt and a sweater, he returned to the living room. He had gotten used to the sight of Simon sitting at the table, laptop in front of him, biting either his lips or playing with his curls. He walked over to the counter, filling a glass of water for Simon and preparing another cup of coffee for himself, needing it this morning, although the shower had made him feel a little more refreshed.

‘Here you go,’ he said, reaching his arm over Simons shoulder to set the glass down.

He let his arms circle around Simons neck, burying his nose in his curls before he looked to the essay on the screen, Simons cheek against his own.

‘Thanks,’ Simon answered, sounding distracted but genuinely thankful

‘Almost done,’ he whispered before planting a tiny kiss behind the boys ear.

Simon reacted by nuzzling his head softly against Willes cheek and then pushed himself upright again, leaning forward to focus and Wille let go of him.

 

Around ten, his own annotating was interrupted by a relieved sounding sigh coming from the other boy.

‘I think I’m finished.’

‘You are?’ Wille spoke up hopefully, barely able to believe there had come an end to this seemingly unending study session.

‘Yeah, I read it over three times now and it think this is it?’

There was something unbelievable about it, even to Wille. It had felt like the both of them were in their own shared bubble these past few days and now it was done, Simon did it and the relief on his face was right there.

Wille scooted his chair a little closer to Simons, watching how he typed out an email to his professor and uploading the work to it. The arrow of his mouse hovered above the send button before he clicked it and it was officially handed in.

He observed how Simon leaned back in his chair and he looked like he had just ran a marathon. One hand rubbed his eyes tiredly, but there was something more relaxed in his posture.

Wille put his hand on his thigh.

‘I’m so proud of you.’

A tearful expression crossed Simons face but disappeared just as quickly.

‘Thank you.’

And Wille just nodded, knowing that that was the least he could’ve done. Supporting without it being overly obvious that Simon needed help.

The silence between them stretched and it was as if neither of them knew what to do with the sudden free time.

‘I can’t believe it,’ Simon sighed eventually, ‘let’s just hope I passed it.’

‘We can worry about that later,’ Wille said quickly, not wanting to think about what would happen then. ‘Is there anything you want to do the rest of the day?’

Simon nodded, a hesitant look in his eyes.

‘I wanted to call my mom to see if I could come over, to maybe talk about the whole thing with dad.’

Wille hummed in response, restraining this time from offering to join, wanting to see if Simon would actually ask him to. In a way he wanted the old, carefree and giggling Simon back, the one who had clumsily bumped into him in the rain and who wasn’t that self aware and in his head as he had been the past days. But he also had to admit that things just hadn’t been easy lately and that it wasn’t weird that it had taken its toll on the way Simon behaved around him right now. He just hoped that when this was all figured out and fixed, that his happy, bubbly self would return.

‘Do you still— would you still like to come with me?’ he then asked, shaking Wille from his thoughts.

‘Yes, of course,’ he smiled reassuringly, and a look of gratefulness washed over Simons face.

‘Okay, let me call her then, see if she has time.’

He got up from the chair and to fetch his phone, which he left in the bedroom this morning. They both knew why he had decided to leave it there, but Wille hadn’t pointed it out. When he returned, he followed Simon over to the couch and together they sat down.

‘Hola, mama,’Simon said as soon as Linda picked up, and although he hadn’t heard him talk in Spanish that much yet, he loved it a lot already.

Assuming they were just talking about casualties in-between, he looked up again when he heard Simon say his name.

‘Is it okay if me and Wille stop by this afternoon?’

Whatever Linda answered to that left Simon flustered and Wille couldn’t help but chuckle. He could only guess what was going on right now, but the way Simon called out after that, made him think he was assuming the right thing.

‘Mama!’

He heard the faded sound of Linda’s laughter and waited for Simon to end the call.

‘You’re probably not going to tell me what she said?’ he teased and Simon bumped his arm before hiding his face there.

‘No,’ he answered, voice smothered by the cloth.

‘Well,’ and he lifted his head up again, ‘she mainly said that she would love to have us over, are you up for that?’

Wille nodded and a familiair tight feeling settled in his stomach as soon as he had agreed. It wasn’t just going to be a casual thing, he was actually going to meet Simons mother.

‘Sure,’ Wille said, trying to sound as reassuring as possible, ‘but let’s have some lunch first.’

 

It was a miracle that said lunch was still inside him. They were sitting on the bus, on their way to Simons parental home and it would be the first time seeing Linda, which was, in Willes honest opinion, a very good reason for him to be so incredibly nervous.

He felt Simon lightly touch his knee, trying to reassure him by touch rather than by words but for once, it didn’t help. His social anxiety had become a lot less the past year, but in moments like these, when he felt like he had to live up to an expectation, he still felt sick to his stomach.

‘Next stop is us.’

Fuck.

He let out a shaky breath.

‘It’s gonna be okay, you know, it’s just my mom and she’s so nice, Wille,’ Simon reassured him for the umpteenth time, ‘I promise.’

‘And I believe you,’ he answered, ‘but meeting new people, especially important people is not really my favorite activity.’

He almost wished that Simon would deny her importance, but they both knew that that would be a lie. It was very clear that Simon loved his mother a lot and that their relationship was very important to him. So important, that he had left her in the dark about the things that had happened between him and his dad as to not hurt her.

The walk from the busstop to the house was short and over before Wille could take another deep breath in preparation. He watched Simon walk in front of him, up to the door, which he tried to unlock at the same moment as Linda appeared behind it.

‘Simon, mi amor, you don’t have to use your keys, I knew you were coming,’ she said with a fond smile on her face before wrapping her son up in her arms, embracing him tightly.

Simons own greeting sounded muffled by her arms and when they unwrapped, he took a step back so he was standing right next to Wille.

‘Mama, this is Wilhelm,’ Simon said shyly, bumping his shoulder softly against Willes upper arm.

Wille quickly extended his hand and Linda shook it.

‘You can call me Wille, though, almost everyone does that,’ he added after greeting her, smiling a genuine but nervous smile.

‘So nice to meet you, Wille,’ Linda said and softly patted his arm as if to ease his nerves. ‘Come on in, both of you.’

 

Wille wasn’t surprised to find out that the house radiated the same vibe as Simons apartment did. When they had dropped off their stuff in the hallway, he found himself in a small but cozy living room.

Near the window, the couch, a side table and an armchair were propped up, almost a little bit too close to each other, but still looking cosy and inviting. Behind that was a dinner table, a round one, just like Simons. The only blind wall was almost entirely covered by a big bookcase, not only filled with books but also with plants, frames and things that Simon and Sara had probably, and hopefully, fabricated when they were kids.

Needless to say, Wille loved it. It was so different from his own parental house, where everything was white and taut. Even the magazines were always lined out on the table, a bit like at the dentist waiting room, if you asked him.

‘Is tea okay for the both of you?’ Linda asked, making him return to the present.

He quickly nodded and next to him, Simon agreed as well but then spoke up.

‘Do you want me to help or—?’

‘No, no,’ Linda answered, smiling at him, ‘you stay here and sit down.’

She disappeared into what must be the kitchen, a bit more hidden behind in the back of the house and Wille walked over to the bookcase, studying the pictures that were out on display. It made him think of the ones he had with his brother, only these weren’t hidden away in a box because his parents found them too painful to look at.

‘Look how cute you were,’ Wille teased, turning towards Simon, holding one of the frames up to him.

It was a picture of Simon in the snow, probably around the age of six. His curls were covered by an askew hat and he was waving at the camera, hand kept warm into a too big mitten.

‘Wille,’ Simon groaned, stretching out his name, feigning annoyance but failing miserably due the sparkle in his eyes.

‘Don’t worry,’ he responded, lowering his voice so Linda wouldn’t be able to overhear him, ‘you still are.’

He watched Simons eyes grow big before a blush crept on his cheeks.

‘I can’t believe you,’ he brought out, before making an effort to dramatically sit down on the couch, crossing his arms.

He chuckled and put the frame down, settling next to Simon just as Linda reappeared with tray filled with mugs and teabags.

‘Here we go,’ she said, happily serving them both a cup of the warm beverage before taking the armchair across from them.

They chatted casually for a while and he and Linda got the chance to get to know each other for a bit. Simon had been right, it wasn’t scary at all and she was really really nice. He felt a little foolish for being so afraid to meet her, but quickly shook that thought from his mind.

He noticed, while he was talking, that Simon next to him was trying to pluck up the courage to start the conversation they were actually here for. He found his moment when Wille picked up his tea and Linda just took a sip of hers.

‘I wanted to talk to you about something,’ Simon said, and Wille noticed he was clutching his mug, although empty already, as if it was a lifeline.

’Of course,’ Linda nodded encouragingly and Wille felt the tension radiating off the boy next to him.

‘Something happened— with dad,’ Simon brought out, and Linda’s expression changed from open and friendly to cold and alert.

‘What happened, Simon?’

Her eyes then fell on Wille himself and he shifted a bit on the couch.

‘I told him, it’s okay,’ Simon said, noticing his mothers eyes on Wille and that seemed to ease Linda, all was it only a little bit.

‘Then tell me everything.’

And so Simon did. Wille noticed it was easier for him now, to talk about the events of the past couple of days. However, he did notice that some parts where left out. The cut on his cheekbone he couldn’t hide, but he diminished the part about his ribs and didn’t tell her anything about the bruising on his collarbone. But the rest was honest and right.

Only the barest of emotions flitted over Linda’s features and it was clear that Simon had his ability of hiding things from her. But her clenched jaw and and tearful eyes said it all.

Wille felt like he was intruding on a very personal moment, although Simon had assured him it would be okay and that he wanted him to be there. To distract himself from that, he picked up his tea as well and focussed just on Simons words and the black liquid in his cup.

‘Mi amor…’ Linda said eventually, when Simon had ran out of words.

‘I’m sorry, mama,’ and a sob broke through his up until now steady voice.

‘I’m so sorry,’ he repeated, swallowing away the rest of his sobs.

Linda didn’t speak again, but instead, got up and sat down next to her son, wrapping her arms around him. Wille quickly got the empty cup from Simons hand and put it, together with his own, on the side table.

He kept himself sitting on the edge of the couch, turned towards the duo next to him. He softly ran his hand over Simons knee, letting him know that he was also there for him. Rubbing his thumb softly up and down.

Simon didn’t make a sound and it was almost strangely quiet in the room. Eventually, Simons face peeked out above her arms again and his red eyes were the only proof that he had cried. Willes heart tugged, hating the way he even held back in front of his own mom.

‘Do you think I should block him?’ Simon asked then, breaking the silence.

Linda held very still, a thoughtful look on her face. Wille had the feeling that she wanted to say yes, badly. But it was clear that she made a big effort to understand her son. To acknowledge that it was important to him that there was a time that he had really wanted him in his life.

‘I think that, after everything that has happened right now, he deserves that.’

Simon shrank a little.

‘And,’ she quickly continued, probably wanting to get over the painful part, ‘I also think that we should get another restraining order.’

Wille looked between them. So there had been a time where Micke really wasn’t allowed to see any of them. He saw Simon pushing himself a little bit away from his mom, putting a distance between them, showing that he didn’t agree with it.

‘But mama—‘

‘Simon, please. How many more times does he have to hurt us, hurt you, before you admit that you deserve a better dad than him? You can’t keep giving him second chances, he doesn’t deserve that.’

‘But—‘

‘No, Simon,’ and for the first time, Linda sounded stern. ‘He came to your apartment without an invitation, he showed up at work without you wanting him to and he hurt you, more than once. We’re not having this discussion.’

Conflict showed on Simons face and although he tried to keep himself collected under his moms gaze, his mask was cracking.

‘I’m going to make some more tea,’ Linda said, quickly getting up as if wanting to hide her emotions as well and before Wille knew it, she had disappeared into the kitchen.

Next to him, Simon exaggerated his respiration.

‘It’s okay, it’s going to be okay,’ Wille whispered quietly, making sure Linda couldn’t hear him.

He slowly pried Simons fingers from the tightly balled fists they were in and interlinked the fingers with his own. Softly, he rubbed his thumb back and forth. The past few days he had noticed how the tension seemed to leave Simons body when he connected their hands. A slight touch confirming he was still there.

‘I told you she would be disappointed,’ Simon said lowly, ‘I’m such a disappointment.’

‘Simon...’ Wille interrupted quickly, before the boy could spiral even further. ‘You’re not. She loves you and she doesn’t want this for you. I think she’s just trying to protect you.’

In his head he added “against yourself”, but he couldn’t get himself to actually voice these words, not wanting to upset Simon any further.

‘She shouldn’t have to.’

And he just nodded. He knew that either agreeing or disagreeing wouldn’t be right. It was clear that Linda wanted the best for her son and had tried to arrange that in the past. But Simon meeting Micke over and over again made things particularly difficult for her. And then Simons feelings were valid as well. He didn’t want his mom to go through the whole deal with his dad again.

Wille noticed that he found the whole situation getting more and more complicated. It was all new to him and he felt like he couldn’t do anything else than just hear Simon out eventime he suddenly started to talk about Micke. But he couldn’t fix things, couldn’t do anything to prevent the hurt that was being caused and couldn’t make things right. He wondered if Simon ever had considered talking to someone about this.

Linda’s reappearance snapped him back to reality and with a smile, he accepted another warm cup from her. She settled back down in the armchair across from them and Wille waited till one of them would speak up.

‘Simon, I’m worried about you, I didn’t mean to upset you just now, but this can’t go on.’

Her eyes were on her son and they shone with something fierce. She had made her decision.

‘I know I can’t force you to not see him anymore, not like I could back when you were still a child,’ she took a deep breath, ‘but I think you should consider a restraining order.’

Simon instantly tensed up next to him and again, more out of habit than anything else, Wille laced his fingers through Simons, offering him a way to stay here. Simons fingers clenched around his in an almost painful way before he spoke up.

‘He really will never change, will he?’

Linda shook her head. It was clear that she had been there before and spoke from experience.

‘I’m sorry, mi amor.’

‘It’s not your fault, mama.’

They then dived into a conversation in which Wille could actually take part, mainly consisting about how to keep Simon safe and which steps they had to take from here. He kept side-eyeing Simon, trying to stay in touch with how he felt about certain things, but overall he appeared closed off and distant. Strongly keeping his emotions in charge this time.

When the sun had already started to set, they had gone over everything. They had made sure it was on Simons terms and Linda and Simon had promised each other to stay in touch a bit more closely so Linda could keep an eye on the situation as well. When it was clear that mainly Simon was ready to go home, he excused himself to go to the bathroom and was just being able to overhear their conversation when he came back into the kitchen to wash his hands.

‘Is he your boyfriend yet?’ he heard Linda whisper and he smiled to himself when he heard Simon make a startled sound.

‘Mama!’

‘Simon, mi amor, the signs are everywhere,’ Linda continued and he could clearly imagine the blush that must be creeping onto Simons cheeks right now.

‘I want to but— I’m so scared?’ Simons voice was fragile and Wille held his breath, turning the faucet off. ‘What if it ends up bad again?’

Silence fell between the two of them and as Wille dried his hands, he heard someone stand up and sit down again and he could almost see the scene through the door, Linda hugging Simon, making sure he would be alright. He didn’t know what was happening after and he couldn’t make out any more of the conversation, Simons voice sounding smothered right now, probably by Linda’s arms or shoulder.

As he made an effort to announce himself with heavier steps than usual, he reentered the living room, not quite catching the beginning of the answer, but the end made him realize how much they cared about each other.

‘—and remember, you’ve always got us, whatever happens.’

They released each other slightly when they saw him standing there and he was about to apologize for breaking the moment when Simon peeked over his mothers arm and smiled softly at him, sending him so much love with just this one smile that Wille swallowed his apology and smiled back.

He saw Linda look between them before she fully separated herself from her son and got up from the couch.

‘Let me walk you guys out,’ she said, gripping his arm strongly when passing him, as if trying to thank him for everything with just one simple gesture.

They said their good byes and before they knew it, they found themselves in the back of the bus again.

‘You were right, your mom is the nicest person I’ve ever met,’ Wille said sincerely, ‘I can tell she cares a lot about you.’

‘She really does,’ Simon agreed, leaning slightly against him and Wille pecked the top of his head.

He then buried his nose into Simons curls, smelling the shampoo which he had now used himself as well and he couldn’t help but smile. His scent had become a true comfort for him.

‘How are you feeling now that you’ve told her?’ Wille asked, trying to get a better view on Simons expression, but he had turned his face towards the window, gazing outside.

‘I really hope she doesn’t get into trouble with him, but—' Simon hesitated, ‘I’m actually kind of relieved as well.’

Before Simon could pull his sleeves over his hands, Wille intertwined his fingers through his and with his thumb, he caressed the back of Simons palm.

‘And I know she has the right people around her to make sure she’s protected and also to call him out in such a way that he stays away from me, but I’m not very convinced yet that everything will work out…’

Wille hummed. ‘I get that, but give it some time, okay? Just call her if you’re in doubt about something and I’m sure she’ll support you through it all.’

Simon nodded and it was obvious that he was done talking about it for now. The sun was already setting and from their window they had a nice view on it.

‘Do you want to get off a little sooner and walk the rest?’ Simon piped up, turning his head this time to look properly at him.

‘Sure,’ he answered, not knowing where it came from but he supposed they could use some fresh air.

 

Wille just followed Simon almost the whole way back. For some reason, the other boy knew their surroundings a lot better than he did. They ended up walking through a large park which had a big walking pavement through it with smaller side paths every now and then. Wille knew it was close to their street but hadn’t actually ever walked through it.

The last rays of sunshine weaved through the empty branches of the trees and as the sun slowly left, the sky turned a beautiful orange and pink, a wonderful side effect of a cold winters day. They took a smaller path that led to a bridge crossing the waters around it, free of people, and then Simon spoke up.

‘Thanks for being here these days, Wille.’

The words were uttered softly and Simon didn’t look at him, but something released inside Wille. He hadn’t realized how he needed to hear to words. How he needed the confirmation that he had been doing the right thing and Simon wasn’t just secretly annoyed with him. It was an alogical thought and he knew that, but relief still washed over him.

He softly pulled on Simons hand so the other boy would look at him and when they made eye contact, a shy smile appeared on his face which Wille immediately responded.

‘I’m glad I could,’ he said genuinely, his smile widening.

‘I wouldn’t mind having you around for the good days as well.’

Wille felt himself warm up inside. Words got lost in his mind when he tried to make a coherent sentence that would cover the gratefulness he felt. Instead, his body decided to take action and he pulled Simons arm a bit harder this time, clearly taking him by surprise before almost pinning him to the bridge and kissing him senseless.

He felt how it took him two seconds to react before the curly haired boy roamed his back with his hands while his own were messing up those said curls. Their kiss was hungry, their bodies flush against the railing before Simon was the first one who came back to his senses, chuckling breathlessly while Wille took a much needed breath as well.

‘We’re still in public.’

‘I really don’t care,’ Wille said, before leaning in again, this time kissing Simon a bit softer. Their noses brushed against each other before he felt him put their foreheads together.

‘Wanna get back to mine?’ Simon said in a low voice, and they walked a lot faster than they did on the first half of their walk.

Notes:

Sooo... Can't wait to hear your thoughts!!

Chapter 15: sunshine

Summary:

If Simon had to keep up with the amount of times he had gotten flustered today already, he would’ve lost count before the afternoon had even begun. It was Friday morning and he still couldn’t stop thinking about last Tuesday night.

Notes:

It's here, chapter 15, the last one and honestly, I'm a bit emotional. I never thought that I would actually finish and that so many people would love it. And so, after all Simon and Wille went through, and you as well while reading, it was time for some happiness. I hope this makes you smile as much as it made me smile.
Thank you for sticking with the story until the end and for the last time, enjoy the read!! <3

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

If Simon had to keep up with the amount of times he had gotten flustered today already, he would’ve lost count before the afternoon had even begun. It was Friday morning and he still couldn’t stop thinking about last Tuesday night.

After their not-so-public friendly make-out in the park, they had quickly found their way back home, barely able to keep their hands off each other until they were behind closed doors. Instead of waiting for Wille to come to him, Simon had managed to catch him off guard, which he was kind of proud of, and had pinned him against the back of his front door the minute they stepped over the threshold.

Honestly, he couldn’t even remember how they’d managed to find his bedroom, but let’s just say that they were lucky that their apartments almost had the same layout.

Their clothes had littered the floor, leaving a path from the front door to the edge of the bed and he clearly remember the moment of pause, looking for confirmation in each others eyes. There had been something so soft, so open and vulnerable in Willes eyes that it had almost made him tear up. There was so much love in the way he handled him, both his mind and his body, that Simon couldn’t help himself but wear the same expression before their mouths had crashed together again.

Their kisses had trailed each others body, Simon searching for the soft spots of Willes skin. His nape, his earlobe, just below his sternum and then slowly wandering lower and lower. Wille on the other hand, had traced his body with his hands. Mapping out the way his still sore ribs arched, connecting tiny moles he didn’t know he had, making him shiver with just the tips of his fingers.

And from their things heated up again. Simon had had sex before, but this had been something different. For some reason it hadn’t been awkward between them. He had loved teasing Wille into making whiny sounds he had no control over and he knew Wille had loved how he had taken the lead.

It wasn’t as scary as he thought it’d be. Yes, they had been searching and yes, a helpless knocking together had definitely happened, but smalls huffs of laugher had filled the space between them then, and they had moved on, softly kissing each other in a small apology.

The room had turned warm and humid, only lit by the lamppost outside which shone into the room thanks to a small crack between the closed curtains. Light and hot air clamped over them like a blanket but they hadn’t noticed. It had been them and them only, exploring each other until their release had come. Then, they had collapsed, a mess of limbs and sweat, softly making out before cleaning up.

They had woken up in silence the next day, naked bodies still tingling, entangled with each other and the way too warm blanket in between. And then they had started again. Again and again and again.

When they had eventually left the bed, a quietness had filled the apartment. The shower had been turned on, washing away their sweat and the sweet scent of their smell mixed with the others. It had been caring and soft, slippery from too much soap and cold when they didn’t quite fit under the warm water together. But Simon had felt himself smiling through it all. A genuine, calm smile. The jittery and crawling feeling had left his body and Willes love for him had refilled the empty space that it had left.

He had to admit, he didn’t really remember what else they had done that Wednesday, other than make out and spent their time together. No talking, no anxious feelings, just them. He had felt his skin tingle every time their eyes locked, sparks in both of their eyes, as if they couldn’t help but show how much they loved being around each other, and fuck, he had to restrain himself not to jump at the other boy every time he wasn’t paying attention to him.

After their day off, Thursday flew by in a whirlwind of emotions. He and his mom met up and went to court together, meeting up with the same lawyer his mom had met a long time ago when she had asked for a restraining order for the first time. He tried to ignore the overwhelming feeling of fear and shame, knowing that this was something his mom had tried to protect him from, and he had blatantly ignored all her efforts. Although she had reassured him many times that day, he couldn’t let go of feeling like that.

He also couldn’t help but feel bad for his dad. He knew he shouldn’t, he knew that, but he couldn’t push the feeling away. He hadn’t shown up at his door again, Wille had properly scared him away, apparently, but Simon noticed himself being more aware of his surroundings every time he went out, and that was what had eventually won him over to get the restraining order in the first place.

But it had made the giddy ambience of Wednesday disappear and he felt a deep sadness take over. He felt like he had lost his dad all over again, which was both draining and overwhelming. He waited in his own apartment until he was sure that Willes therapy appointment was finished and then pulled his shoes back on, emotions building up in his throat. When he knocked on Willes door, the tears had already traced his cheeks and the other boy had given him a sympathetic look before wrapping his arms tightly around him, pulling him into his apartment.

It was weird how he hadn’t been able to hold his tears inside that particular afternoon. But something had changed after the days he and Wille had spent together. He noticed how he wasn’t scared to be vulnerable around him. Both in the good and in the bad ways, if there even was such a difference. But it was a lot, and he tried his best to convince himself that it was better to let it out, than to keep it all inside until he exploded again.

And then there was a whole other pack of emotions there. And he knew that this was totally on him. He had noticed how he craved being around Wille. How he even wanted to be with him after such a rough day as that day had been to him. And he wanted him to be there forever, for him to never, ever leave him again. The progress and growth he had made in the short period of time he had been in his life was insane, and something he didn’t ever want to loose.

He wanted Wille to be his boyfriend.

He wanted him to stick around and stay there til the end of times. He just had to find a way to spit it out. Because he knew Wille wanted it as well. Hell, he had almost clearly told him that. So he was just waiting for Simon to get to that point as well.

Thoughts just tumbled over and over each other and it was still like that when he reappeared at work on Friday morning. Ayub had instantly smirked at him, and that was the first time but certainly not the last time Simons cheeks had coloured that day.

‘Are we still on for tomorrow night? Or are you and rainboy too busy doing other things?’ he asked teasingly when he came back from his lunchbreak that afternoon.

Seeing as there were nearly no customers at all, Simon took the opportunity to flip him off before answering.

‘Shut it,’ he said, although even to his own ears, it didn’t sound very convincing, ‘we’re still on.’

Ayub laughed his loud room filling laugh and turned away to restock the pastries while for the umpteenth time, his cheeks warmed up.

They had planned a small get-together on Saturday evening, which was just going to be Sara, Felice, Ayub, Rosh and him and Wille. The both of them had been living in their own small bubble and felt like they had neglected their friends a bit. Wille had spent most of his time with him and he himself had only had eye for his essay. And honestly, he couldn’t wait to see them all again. He had truly missed his friends.

 

The rest of the afternoon, it stayed calm in the cafe. Since it was almost Christmas break, there were also a lot of students who had already left to go home, so the normally student-packed coffeeshop was strangely quiet now.

‘But for real,’ Ayub continued, when they were cleaning everything up at the end of the day. ‘Things are working out between you guys, right?’

He nodded. ‘Yeah, we had some good talks last week and I think he’s just waiting for me to, you know, take the final step.’

Ayub wiggled his eyebrows suggestively and Simon felt the smile creep back in his face again.

‘I’m proud of you, you know that? For both how you handled the thing with your dad afterwards and for this.’

‘Thanks, Ayub,’ he said genuinely and Ayub nodded in respons.

After closing up and saying goodbye to each other, Simon took his phone out. The device had been strangely quiet since he had blocked his dads number. He opened the chat with Wille, which was now pinned on top and texted him that he was done with work and would come over after a change of clothing.

Wille: [17:12]
No problem

Don’t take too long though, I might set my apartment on fire

Simon frowned before a confused chuckle escaped him. This boy kept surprising him. He walked home a little quicker than normal and after undressing and redressing, he shot a quick glance to the apartment across the street. Not that he could see anything, because Wille had closed the curtains so he couldn’t see anything from what was going on inside.

Simon: [17:38]
i can’t say i’m not impressed by you being smart enough to close the curtains

In less than a minute, Willes head popped up from between the curtains and Simon laughed out loud at the sight. Wille smiled mischievously at him before his head disappeared and Simon took that as a sign to lock up and make his way there.

He quickly crossed the street and then used his key to let himself into Willes apartment. After he had given his to Wille a few days back, Wille had given him his own, which was now dangling happily on his own bunch. The door between the hall and the living room was closed and a yellowish glow extended towards him from underneath. He quickly hung up his coat before opening the door, and he was greeted by Wille who was standing in the middle of the room, surrounded by soft light and candles, two damping plates of food on the table.

Love overwhelmed him instantly and he felt himself at loss for words.

‘Thought I’d make us a nice dinner.’

A smile appeared on Willes face, just as bright as the candles around him and if there was a little bit of nervousness there, he hid it well. They hadn’t eaten that properly the past couple days. It was mainly Wille forcing food down his throat when he had been studying and the days after that it had been only light meals as well, neither of them really bothered with the whole cooking thing after all the emotions rushing through them.

Instead of speaking up, he walked over to him and kissed him a bit too passionate for just a hello, which Wille didn’t seem to mind at all and happily reacted to. He felt Willes soft lips against his, trying to deepen the kiss, which made him speak up.

‘Don’t want the food to get cold.’

A soft puff escaped the other boys lips and he smiled, quickly pecking Wille on more time before stepping away.

‘Right…’ Wille said and Simon let himself fall into the chair that they silently had decided was his. ‘How was work?’

They enjoyed their dinner together, chatting about their day and enjoying a quiet and peaceful evening. They left certain topics untouched, as if the both of them had decided that tonight just wasn’t the night to talk about things like that. Simon was making steps though, with opening up and he had made sure that Wille knew how it was going with the whole restraining order and that he knew as well that he had blocked his dads number. Wille had asked about it as well, several times, not forcing him to answer anything, but just checking in. Trying to understand the situation as best he could.

 

‘Oh, by the way, I haven’t told you yet,’ Wille said, when plopping next to him on the couch after setting two cups of tea on the side table, ‘but I only have like two therapy appointments left.’

Simon turned his head so fast it almost snapped when he looked at him.

‘I was done with them anyway because my bed was very empty without you in it.’

Simon had given him space every time he had had one, just texting him when he was sure the appointment was over and he had never stayed the night afterwards. They didn’t really talk about what Wille was talking about in therapy, and it didn’t matter anyways, but Simon always made sure to be right there but at the same time some distance away.

‘That’s not a good reason tho—,’ Simon started before looking at the tiny twinkle in Willes brown eyes which betrayed that he was joking. ‘Never mind, I totally agree.’

‘Since when do you know?’

‘Thursday evening actually,’ he answered slowly and a blush creeped on Simons cheeks when he realized why he hadn’t told him that night.

‘You could’ve told me then,’ he said softly, but Wille immediately interrupted.

‘I didn’t want to, I’d rather tell you happy things when you’re able to be happy with me as well.’

A smile tugged at his lips. Wille was so considerate. And he was right, he hadn’t been able to be happy with him that evening, not after everything that he and his mom had to get in order that day.

‘Do you feel ready to quit?’ he continued, wanting to check if Wille didn’t feel insecure about it.

Wille hummed in response. ‘Yes and no, like, I’ve done it alone before and she said that I can hit her up whenever I feel shitty or anything, but it’s also scaring me, because what if it does get bad again?’

Simon nodded understandingly. He could only imagine what it would feel like to suddenly, after a year of support and guidance, be on your own again. Having to cope with everything yourself again, putting into practice all the things you’ve learned without a professional looking over your shoulder anymore.

‘Good thing you don’t have to do it alone anymore then,’ Simon stated then, reaching out to lace his fingers through Willes.

‘Yeah,’ the other boy admitted softly, squeezing his hand softly on what felt like gratefulness.

 

Simon didn’t spend the night. With a full day of work ahead of him and him still feeling very drained from all the events, he had decided to return back home. Fact was that he instantly regretted it as soon as he laid down, missing Willes presence next to him. Nevertheless, he fell asleep within minutes, sleep winning it from his tired thoughts about how his bed was strangely empty without Wille in it.

So naturally, that was the first thing he texted Wille the next morning, making sure the other boy would awake happy and flustered, wishing him a good day before he started to prepare himself for another long day in the coffeeshop.

He was nervous, but that had nothing to do with work or seeing his friends again. He had decided that it was time to ask Wille if he wanted to be his boyfriend. He had tried to get used to the term again, using it over and over in his head, already referring to the other boy as so, and it had helped. The time and space Wille had given him was also something that really calmed him and he had decided that tonight had to be the night.

After locking up, he quickly made his way upstairs instead of downstairs, opening the door to the roof. In the tiny hideout, he hung up some fairy lights, attaching them tightly so the wind wouldn’t ruin them and then hid all the blankets so they wouldn’t get wet in case it was going to rain. Soon, it was all set up for tonight and with one last look back, he now really was ready to start his workday.

With a bag over his shoulder, he walked the still empty and quiet streets. He’d go straight from work to Sara’s apartment, where they would all gather and so he brought an extra set of clothes to avoid a lingering coffee smell on him for the whole evening. Together with Ayub he would drive there after work. Wille would meet up with Felice earlier today, probably having a lot of catching up to do as well.

Luckily for him, it was a calm Saturday. He and Ayub spent a great amount of the day deep cleaning the fridge and some of the showcases. This was something they always did every once in a while. Especially right before holidays, when a lot of the students had left already, the took the chance to prepare for the new year.

When on his lunch break he checked his phone again, he had only missed texts from Wille and he couldn’t believe the rest that gave him. He really had made the right decision.

Wille: [08:34]
Good morning!!

I missed you too :(

Have a good day at work and see you tonight x

A smile just instantly appeared on his face and after quickly texting him back, he finished the rest of his lunch so he and Ayub could swap places.

 

At five, after they had changed and closed off, they made their way to Ayubs car. It was an old thing and made some questionable noises every now and then, but having a friend with a car was so convenient that he chose to ignore them, just hoping it wouldn’t break down any time soon.

The ride wasn’t that long and it was nice to catch up with Ayub already, finally able to talk to each other without customers interrupting them every now and then. At the same time, he watched the city pass by and how more and more trees appeared as they drove on.

Before they had even properly parked, Sara had already opened the door.

‘How are you?’ she asked when he walked up to her, worry laced through her voice, although she tried to hide it.

‘I’m fine,’ he assured her, hugging her tightly before stepping past her over the threshold, asking her if she was doing good as well.

She quickly answered before being lifted off the ground by Ayub in greeting and Simon smiled, loving how his friends were also her friends now.

He found Wille and Felice in the living room, sitting closely together, seeming to be deep in conversation, but when Willes eyes caught Simons, he smiled invitingly and Simon walked over.

‘Hej,’ he said, pecking Wille on his lips, ‘how was your day?’

‘It was good, we did a lot of catching up, so that was nice,’ he answered, gesturing towards Felice when mentioning her.

Simon reached out to hug Felice as well and by the looks of it, they seemed properly on top of each others lives again. He instantly wondered if they had talked about him as well and knowing Wille, they probably had. He took a deep breathe, hoping Wille wouldn’t pick up on his nerves and then the doorbell rang again, announcing Rosh.

It was great to see everyone in the same room. Although Felice, Ayub and Rosh didn’t know each other that well, it didn’t seem to bother them and Simon noticed how everything was just how he remembered it being between them. He had really missed being around his friends and he silently promised himself to catch up with them more often again, even if it was just grabbing a coffee.

 

‘We have something announce,’ Felice said eventually, when the catching up chatter was almost coming to an end and deeper conversation started to pick up. Simon side eyed Sara, observing how a blush crept on her cheeks, and he bit back a smile.

‘We figured stuff out, you know, me and Sara,’ and Felices eyes flicked over to Sara, ‘and we are together now. I also kinda moved in here already.’

There was a moment of absolute silence before everyone started shouting, talking over each other, cheering on them and shouting congratulations. Simon, who was still standing closest to Sara, reached out and hugged her tightly.

‘And then you say I always keep secrets from you,’ he whispered jokingly in her ear, and he felt her chuckle against him.

‘You had your own things going on, Simon.’

He lifted his head from her shoulder and with one look at her, he could tell that his mom had told her. He swallowed tightly but Sara spoke up again before he could say anything else.

‘I’m proud of you, you know that? I know how hard it is for you and you still did it.’

‘Thanks,’ he uttered, ‘I’m proud of you too, and so happy that things worked out for you.’

Sara smiled and her face lit up in a way it only did when she was really excited about something. It made the corners of his own mouth lift as well and they just stood there, grinning like idiots. He noticed that the rest of them was busy with Felice, giving them some time, and Sara saw her chance to ask him the question he knew she would ask him that night.

‘What about you and Wille?’

Simon bit his lip before answering. ‘I’m gonna ask him tonight.’

Sara let out an elated sound and Simon quickly shushed her.

‘I know, I know. I’m still scared, though, even though I already know he’s going to say yes.’

He repeated that part more as a reminder for himself than for Sara and she reached out to comfortingly pat his arm.

‘He’s basically just waiting for me to ask him,’ he continued, ‘I told him about what Oskar did and I didn’t even had to voice that I was scared of labeling it. He just— understood.’

Sara nodded, a soft look in her eyes.

‘I’m so happy for you, Simon, you deserve this so much.’

‘So do you,’ he answered, before pulling her into his chest for another hug.

When they finally separated again, she was quickly pulled away by Rosh and Ayub, who both took their turns in congratulating her as well and he went over to join Felice and Wille.

‘I’m so happy for the both of you,’ he said, touching Felices arm before embracing her tightly.

‘Thanks, Simon,’ she said, the same happy expression on her face as Sara just had.

‘But just so you know, if you hurt her, I’m coming after you,’ he then added, face as serious as he could.

Her eyes grew big and then Wille was the one who broke first and started laughing, the sound bouncing of the walls in such a way that even Ayub, Rosh and Sara turned around. Simon then joined and Felice punched his arm before a giggle escaped her.

‘Shit, I thought you were being for real,’ she said, relief lacing her voice.

‘Who said I wasn’t?’ he added jokingly.

‘Oh, I would love to see it,’ Wille piped up, before bursting into another laughing fit.

‘Don’t underestimate me,’ he said, turning towards Wille now, but he couldn’t help himself anymore and burst out laughing as well.

When their laughter had died out and everyone had hugged Sara and Felice, they made their way over to the dinner table. Simon had always loved how it was bigger than his, and the six of them easily fit around it. Dinner was filled with small talk, jokes and laughter. He hadn’t realized how much he had missed his friends and how secluded the bubble had been he and Wille had been in for quite some time. They chatted about Sara and Felice living together and how it was going for them and he noticed that Willed made sure to avoid the subject of them being boyfriends and instead talked about all the things they had done together so far. He truly didn’t deserve him.

‘I still can’t believe you two met because Simon bumped into you,’ Felice said, shaking her head.

‘In my defense, it rained very hard and I couldn’t see,’ Simon protested which caused Ayub, who was sitting next to him, to snort.

Rosh and Ayub shared a glance and before Simon could stop them, they shouted.

‘Rainboy!’

The both of they howled with laughter and Simon tried to slide under table to hide his embarrassment. Next to him, a confused looking Wille chuckled.

‘Rainboy?’ he asked, eyes sparkling as he turned towards him.

‘That’s their nickname for you, yes,’ he muttered, ‘because we met in the rain and I didn’t know your name at first.’

Felice and Sara joined the laughter now and Simon threw Wille an ashamed glance, although he felt a smile tug.

‘Don’t worry, it’s cute,’ Wille said under his breath and softly knocked their knees together under the table.

Simon chuckled, hooking his foot around Willes ankle before hauling himself upright again. He could scold Ayub and Rosh later, he decided.

 

Their evening ended with a lot of empty glasses on the table and dirty plates on the counter, but Sara and Felice shooed them away every time one of them offered to clean anything. After promising each other to do this more often, he and Wille left first, having to break out into a jog to catch the last bus back into the city.

‘Did you have a good time?’ he asked Wille when they had settled down and caught their breath.

‘Yeah, it was really nice to see them all again,’ Wille responded with a smile.

Simon was glad to see that he was genuine about it. By now, he knew how nervous Wille could get before social situations, even when it was a small group of just their friends.

‘That’s good,’ he said, wrapping both his arms around Willes arm, hugging into him, and he felt him relax against his side.

They stayed on the bus until their actual stop this time and Simon felt his stomach flutter as soon as the wind hit his face. This was it. This was what he had prepared for the whole time. Boyfriend. And now it was time to say it out loud.

Without words, he steered them towards his apartment and Wille followed him without a single question. After climbing the stairs, which Wille always did quicker than him, he turned towards the corridor door before Simon pulled him back by the hem of his coat.

‘Wait a second,’ he said, knowing fully well that his expression was probably a mix between mischief and anxiety.

‘What’s up?’

‘You thought you were the only one who did surprises, but follow me.’

Willes worried frown changed into one of confusion and after smiling what was supposed to be a confirming smile, he pulled Wille with him, climbing all the way to the rooftop, just as they had done once before. To him, it had felt like the right place to make everything official.

‘Wait here, okay?’ he said when they had reached the door.

Wille nodded, anticipation clear on his face and quickly, he slipped through the door.

It was less windy this time, and pitch black already. He turned on the flashlight on his phone before carefully walking towards the tiny hangout. He quickly lit the candles in the jars which were still there from last time and searched for the little battery holder he stuck in the roof. He switched it on and the faint light of the string of little fairy lights lit the roof. They were only on the inside so they wouldn’t disturb the night sky stars, but it added to the cosiness.

He then readied the blankets, cold but thankfully not wet from being outside for the few hours he had left them there and looked around, checking if everything was in the right place before he made his way back over to the door, not wanting Wille to be waiting for longer than necessary.

He opened the door just to find Wille behind it, slightly anxious look on his face, although calmer than he would’ve been weeks ago.

‘Wanna watch the stars with me?’ he asked, extending his hand towards Wille.

Wille just smiled at him instead of answering, pulled him in with his hand and pecked him on the lips before they walked towards the tiny hang-out. The little lights lit up Willes face, throwing deep shadows around his features but lighting up his eyes and he watched how he turned away from his surrounding towards him, eyes filled with love.

‘You made it even cozier than last time,’ he said, excitement in his voice.

‘Yeah, I thought it could do with a little more details,’ Simon answered, ‘and I’m planning on claiming it as our spot.’

‘I would love that,’ Wille said honestly and they sat down next to each other, comfortably huddled underneath the blankets, a comfortable silence falling over them.

Nevertheless, Simon knew that Wille knew it was about more than just watching the stars. But as always, he didn’t say anything, giving him exactly the right amount of space and time to muster up the courage to speak up. Simon had wondered how he knew how to do that, but he figured that it was probably how Wille had needed and would have wanted it for himself back in the days, which he now tried to provide to others.

It was weird how quickly Simon had started to feel safe around the other boy. Turning up in tears just days back at his front door was something he felt ashamed of right now, but was at the same time such a big moment for him. It was getting easier and easier to let his walls down around Wille and let himself feel, figure out his emotions knowing he wouldn’t be judged for them. Knowing that he wasn’t going to be called weak or simply would’ve the feeling that he had fall short, like he often had felt around Sara and his mom when he was younger and their dad had still lived with them.

After weighing the words in his head over and over, he spoke up.

‘Okay, you’re probably wondering why we’re up here,’ he started and Wille turned his head away from the night sky to look at him. ‘And you probably figured that it wasn’t just to watch the stars.’

‘But I wanted to tell you something.’

He looked up into Willes brown eyes which looked directly back into his. The eyes he had started to love so much and which always encouraged him to go on, be himself, take his time. Wille nodded, smiling softly but questioningly.

‘Well, ask you something, actually.’

He swallowed before he continued. This was it. And he knew what the answer was going to be, but it was still scary.

‘I took my sweet time and I’m so glad you let me, because now I couldn’t be more sure,’ he said before clearing his throat and then asked the question he had practiced in his head over and over the past couple days.

‘Do you want to be my boyfriend?’

‘Yes, yes, of course,’ Wille exclaimed immediately. ‘Yes, finally—, wait, I didn’t mean it like that but I—‘

Wille scrunched up his face, and Simon couldn’t help but chuckle. This was so typically Wille, his nerves fluttering out in incoherent sentences, but before he could apologize any more, Simon connected their lips. It was the most elated kiss they had shared so far. Most of the time, their kisses were loving, hungry or comforting, but this one was pure joy. He felt his stomach flip, heart beating hard against his ribcage, probably loud enough for Wille to hear, but with the way his kiss was answered, he just knew that Wille felt the same.

 

They only went inside when the sunrise started to fade in, soft light appearing east of them. Simons head had come to rest on Willes shoulder, and his arm was wrapped tightly around him. They had talked the night away, sometimes having settled on comfortable silence, sometimes making out, and then again just speaking their minds. Talking about whatever.

When he felt Willes head drop on top of his own, getting heavier and heavier, he shifted, hearing in Willes breath that he had slipped into a doze and that his movement had woken him up again.

‘Wanna head inside before we freeze?’

‘I’m not cold,’ Wille answered, sleep lacing his voice.

‘Me neither,’ he admitted.

To be honest, it felt like he would never be cold again. Not with Wille around. The rain clouds had evaporated, as if Wille himself had made them disappear, and Simon was sure that as long as they would stick together, they could always make the sun shine, even on a rainy day.

Notes:

I can't believe it's finished... I want to thank every single one of you for reading it, commenting on it every week and screaming at me about the things I wrote. I am beyond thankful and I hope to see you again in my next story!!
Also, I'm taking prompts as bonus short stories, so if there's anything you like to see in addition to this story, let me know in the comments!!

Chapter 16: bonus: moving in together

Summary:

The books were stacked in neat rows and on top of them were his picture frames, carefully wrapped into bubble wrap. The few plants that had actually survived during his time in this apartment were gathered on an already closed box, ready to be moved. He put the last frame he still held in his hand in there as well and then folded the lid shut, moving it aside towards the ever growing stack.

Notes:

Say hi to the highly requested moving in bonus chapter!! Have fun reading this!

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

‘Wille, we’re not going to paint the ceiling.’

‘But look at it!’

‘I’ve looked at it every day so far but it’s not going to happen.’

The adorable pout appeared on Willes face once again and Simon suppressed the urge to kiss it away. Wille had been showing him pictures of painted ceiling every day since they had found their apartment. It had changed between a sunset, a blue sky filled with white clouds and even a sky full of stars turned out to an option today.

‘It’s a rental remember? So once we leave, we have to paint everything white again.’

‘I’ll do it,’ Wille said, almost too quickly, and Simon couldn’t help but chuckle.

‘That’s what you say right now,’ he answered before quickly pecking Wille on his lips and walking back to the box filled with everything from his bookcase.

The books were stacked in neat rows and on top of them were his picture frames, carefully wrapped into bubble wrap. The few plants that had actually survived during his time in this apartment were gathered on an already closed box, ready to be moved. He put the last frame he still held in his hand in there as well and then folded the lid shut, moving it aside towards the ever growing stack.

He then looked around, his once filled apartment strangely empty. Their voices had been echoing off the walls all day as Wille had been helping him packing up. It was to no surprise that Wille was actually way more organized than he was, and thus when he was done with his own apartment, had come over to help Simon out.

They had both sold their table, wanting to get a bigger one since they had more space in their new apartment, and they wanted to be able to fit all their friends around it. But they had decided to keep Simons couch and Willes armchair and also his side table. To put against the wall, they had agreed on demounting Simons bookcase, which seemed a bit easier to put back together again once they had moved.

A sigh escaped his lips. He’d miss this place. It had been the first place that felt as home to him, besides his moms house, really, and a lot of good memories were made between these walls.

‘Are you okay?’ Wille asked, entering the room again with a box full of clothes.

‘Yeah, it’s just weird that it’s empty all of the sudden, I guess.’

Wille nodded, putting another box down and walked over to him.

‘I feel the same. So much has happened in that apartment and it feels weird to leave it behind.’

‘Yeah…’

Arms wrapped around him from behind and Willes chin hooked over his shoulder.

‘I can’t wait to properly live with you, though,’ he whispered and Simon nodded again, pressing his cheek against Willes.

‘Same,’ he sighed.

They had practically spent all their time together the past couple months, only sleeping separately when their schedules were really tight or didn’t match at all. And then they always let each other know that the bed was either too big, too empty or too cold without the other in it. It had kind of become a joke between them, dating back to Willes time in therapy.

It had been Wille who had spoken up about getting an apartment together first. One night, when they had talked about Simons next steps after finished uni, he had brought it up, almost carefully, as if there was any chance Simon would say no.

Because there hadn’t. The prospect of them moving in together was something that had been going through his mind as well, but he was just too scared to bring it up. Next thing he knew, Wille was showing him pinterest boards full of pictures and things that their new place just had to have and Simon had watched all of it, a smile never leaving his face.

And so their search had begun. They had looked into their budget, and tried to find a place that would be affordable for both of them, especially in their current state, with Simon not yet working full time. After two months of scrolling down websites and doing viewings, they had found their place.

It was a two bedroom apartment. A little older than the ones they had lived in, but not falling apart like some of the buildings they had visited on their search. When they had entered for the first time, they had found themselves in a spacious hallway with four doors. One led to the living room and kitchen, the second one to the bathroom, another one to the toilet and the last one to a bedroom. Then, right there in the living room was also a smaller room, which they already renamed as their study room. There they would place Simons keyboard and were going to make sure they had storage room as well. Eventually, they wanted to add a sofa bed as well, so people could stay over if they wanted to.

The living room and kitchen were more separated than in their current apartment. A half round arch dividing one from the other was a detail Simon loved and which made it very cosy. There was enough place for a big kitchen table but it would still be a cosy kind of spacious.

The big windows were facing the west side of the city and were looking out over a park. When they had visited the apartment for the first time, it had been bathed in light and with one look at Wille, Simon had seen that he was sold. Wille loved daylight, sun and everything bright.

They had said yes and had been the second on the list, but had gotten it nevertheless, and before they knew it, they were packing up their current apartments, ready to move.

For tonight, they had agreed to spend one last night apart, each in their own apartments. Kind of saying goodbye to it in their own way. Simon really liked that idea and he knew Wille did so as well. It had been a bit overwhelming for him as well from time to time.

Every so often, when they were talking things through, he or Wille had gone quiet, thinking and overthinking certain details. But they had always managed to talk through it all, making sure it was on the terms of both of them. They had maneuvered the last months of university and before they knew it, it was July and things were coming closer and closer. Tomorrow, they would officially move in together.

‘We should call it a day. Everything that could be packed already is and we still have to see how everything will fit into the cars anyways.’

Simon nodded. Ayub and Rosh were coming over first thing in the morning with both their cars. They would move most of their boxes. Wille had borrowed a van from one of his dads friends which would transport the bigger pieces of furniture and then it would all be done in the evening probably.

‘Do you wanna grab some dinner together?’ Wille asked and Simon agreed to that immediately, suddenly being reminded how hungry he was.

They ordered in, having packed away all the kitchen tools already and when their poke bowl came, they just sat down on the floor against the wall, silently eating dinner while observing all the boxes around them.

After their empty stomachs were filled, tiredness fell over them. The past few days had already been very intens and so was tomorrow going to be. Next to him, Wille shuffled closer, resting his head on his shoulder. Simon had asked him plenty of times if that wasn’t uncomfortable since he was way smaller, but every time, Wille just shook his head.

‘Go home, Wille,’ he said softly, ‘get some rest and we will meet up right before they arrive tomorrow.’

Wille nodded and after sitting together for a little longer, they got up and Simon walked with him to the front door. They had given each other back the key they had, so they couldn’t forget that and had already replaced the empty spaces with the keys from their new apartment.

‘See you tomorrow?’ Wille said it as a question and Simon just smiled.

‘See you tomorrow.’

He pecked him on his lips before closing the door behind him and walking back to the empty living room. He’d take a shower and go to bed. His phone pinged from somewhere in the room and after a short search, he found it on top of a box on the counter.

Wille: [19:14]
One last wave?

Simon walked up to the window, raising his hand to wave at the boy across the street. Tomorrow, not even a street would separate them anymore.

 

The following morning was filled with dragging furniture and boxes down to the cars downstairs. Simon thanked the lord for Rosh being the fitgirl she was because he didn’t even know what a gym looked on the inside. Wille also turned out to be surprisingly strong and easily lifted the couch and armchair together with her. He was not going to lie, if he had been carrying something right that moment, he would’ve probably dropped it.

Seeing as they also had done a big cleaning spree, they didn’t have to drive up and down that often. And at their new place, the tilting and dragging started all over again.

‘Do you need any more help with the unpacking and stuff?’ Rosh asked, as the four oof them stood in the living room, watching over all the boxes and scattered pieces of furniture.

Simon looked at Wille, who send him the same questioning look back.

‘I don’t think so?’ he answered, ‘we wanted to repaint some of the walls first anyways.

‘Oh, yeah,’ Ayub jumped in, ‘Wille said that you were going to paint the ceiling as well.’

‘Wille!’ Simon exclaimed and saw how Ayub send him and apologetic look.

‘I think it’s cool, though,’ Rosh added jokingly and Simon turned towards her, exasperated look on his face.

‘Please don’t support him.’

‘No, no,’ Wille said, ‘please do, I could use the support.’

‘You guys are absolutely horrible.’

But he couldn’t help but laugh. He really liked how easily Wille had fallen into the friend group at the time, and after several dinners and birthdays, he had really bonded with Rosh and Ayub as well.

‘I think we could use some help moving stuff so that it won’t be in the way for the painting of the walls,’ Simon said then, emphasizing that last word, ‘and then I think you’re dismissed.’

With their last bits of strength they reorganized everything so that they had a space in the living room that would function as their bedroom tonight, and where they could sit a bit more comfortable in the evening. The couch and the armchair weren’t that needed right now anyways and they figured that they could use the bedroom and the spare room as storage rooms right now. After fetching the kettle and a few mugs and plates for dinner and breakfast, they let Rosh and Ayub out, thanking them for their help.

‘I think I should also return the car right now,’ Wille said when they had closed the front door behind them. ‘Otherwise I’ll just keep postponing it and that won’t do anything good.’

Simon nodded. ‘Do you want me to come with you so you don’t have to travel back alone?’

‘No, it’s fine,’ Wille smiled, ‘thank you, though.’

Wille started a search for the keys and after filling up a bottle of water for on the road, he made for the door.

‘Wille?’

The boy turned around, looking at him expectantly. He looked exactly how Simon felt, knackered, but there was also a tension in the air between them that hadn’t been there for a while. A sparkle of excitement and new things.

‘Come home quickly?’

Before he could blink, he was wrapped into Willes arms, squeezing him so tightly he could barely breathe.

‘I can’t believe we share a home now,’ he whispered and the air that escaped his lips left goosebumps on Simons bare skin.

‘See you in a bit,’ he said, quickly pecking Simon on the lips before opening the door and Simon chuckled because it was very clear that if he’d stay any longer, whole other things would happen than him bringing back that van.

While Wille was away, he made an effort to make the space a bit more cosy. He dug up the fairy lights they had used for the hangout on the roof and plastered them to the wall above their mattress, which they had laid down at one side of the living room. Then, he ordered two pizzas, knowing well enough that they wouldn’t be able to find their pots and pans despite having labeled all the boxes. There were just too many of them. After that, he made the bed, only using the pillows and some light blankets as the night would probably be one of those feverishly hot summer nights and then he waited for Wille to come home.

He was just mindlessly scrolling through his social media, watching some of the vlogs Ayub had posted on his story of their moving, when he heard the keys in the front door.

A tired and sweaty looking Wille entered the room and before Simon could speak up, the other boy toppled on top of him, nestling himself on Simons chest.

‘I’m not moving again today,’ he said in a muffled voice.

Simon chuckled in response before throwing his arms around Wille to pull him closer.

‘You smell,’ he said, wrinkling his nose jokingly at him.

‘So do you,’ Wille threw back at him and he felt Willes fingers pinch his side, making him writhe underneath him, trying to escape.

‘Willeee,’ he whined, struggling to get out from underneath him, but Wille didn’t budge.

‘You started,’ the other boy simply replied, ‘that’s what you get for insulting me.’

Simon groaned before trying to flip the situation around, horribly failing because Wille kept finding new ticklish spots and eventually he just gave up. Their giggles bounced off the empty walls, echoing through the room and were only interrupted by the doorbell. Simon pantingly scrambled to his feet, trying to model his curls before throwing a glance back at Wille.

‘Don’t think you’ve won,’ he threatened, and then disappeared into the hallway to get their pizzas.

He came back with two large boxes and they then devoured the pizzas, only now realizing how much they had needed a hot meal. Simon finished first, and took his sweet time to take in his surroundings. The living room was lit up by the sunset, gold mixing with red, pink and orange. The boxes around them threw long shadows through the room and the mattress they were sitting on felt like an island, floating with them on it in this new space.

He watched how Wille ate his last slice, hair falling slightly into his face, although he kept streaking it back. He looked calm and well rested even though they had had a long day. Simon still couldn’t believe this was really happening.

‘I can’t believe you made me think only I did the staring.’

A chuckle left his lips and he softly hit Wille arm.

‘Care to share?’ Wille eyed him curiously and he nodded.

‘I just can’t believe this is real,’ he said, a little tremble slipping into his voice without him wanting it to. ‘I’m so happy, Wille.’

He felt his eyes get watery and instead of averting his eyes like he used to do, he kept looking at Wille. A soft pout appeared on his face in response before Wille replied.

‘So am I,’ he said, and Wille interlinked their hands.

A wet sounds escaped his lips and before he could say more, Wille had scooped him up an embrace. It was something he always did when Simon was emotional, like he wanted to make sure he felt safe and not too observed.

‘You deserve this so much,’ Wille whispered into his ear and Simon pressed his nose down even more, trying to tell Wille the exact same without words.

Although the new apartment was still in the same city, it felt like a fresh start for Simon. Here, he wouldn’t have to look around anymore, scanning his surroundings for his dad to pop up somewhere. The restraining order was still there, but all the time Simon had had the feeling he had to watch his back. His constant looking around was actually the first things that had led to conversations of moving, proposed by Wille, since his jittering hadn’t gone as unnoticed as he thought. And soon after that, their conversation of moving in together had followed.

So Simon couldn’t help but feel relief seep through him when he closed the door of his old apartment for good this morning. Yes, he had loved that place, but the past six months just hadn’t been the best. And now here they were. Tangled up in each others arms on a makeshift bed in their still empty, echoing living room.

Eventually, Willes grip one his loosened and he leaned back a little.

‘I’m gonna pop into the shower, since someone told me I smell,’ Wille joked, Simon groaned, letting his head fall back on Willes chest.

Laughing, Wille got up, grabbing the now empty pizza boxes, only to establish that they didn’t have a trashcan yet, and so put them down on the counter. With a sweet wave, he disappeared through the door. Simon got up as well and went in search for towels and clean clothes for the both of them, and after Wille was done, it was his turn to get rid of the smell of moving.

He was just trying to fix his curls in front of the slightly foggy mirror when Wille reentered the bathroom. Simon questioningly turned around, but before he could ask, Wille spoke up.

‘Are you finished already?’

Hands circled his waist, turning him around and leaving him with his back pressed against the sink.

‘I guess I am now,’ Simon answered breathily.

‘Good,’ Wille mumbled lowly and then he hungrily pressed their lips together.

Simon answered enthusiastically, deepening the kiss, hands roaming Willes back. Their noses brushed against each other, slowly switching sides as their kiss went on. As they started to get out of breath, Wille backed away, leaving a pout on Simons face, which earned him a chuckle.

‘Come with me?’

Hands interlinked, Simon followed Wille back into the living room. Their living room. He wasn’t used to that yet. Wille had lit the fairy lights and the soft glow they gave off mixed with the sparks between them. Simon loved how Wille could still made his stomach flutter.

‘Are we really gonna—‘

‘Doesn’t that feel like the right way to inaugurate the apartment?’

Willes grin was mischievous, and Simon couldn’t help but answer it with one of his own.

‘It sounds perfect,’ he managed to say before crashing his lips into Willes.

Willes breathe mingled with his own and he sighed, leaning in even closer. Tonight, he wanted to have all of him.

The fairy lights left the room in a dim light and every now and then, a fresh breeze came through the open window, chasing away the august heat. A chill went through him as it blew over his spine, followed by Willes ever so soft fingertips. They were running up and down and up and down until they halted on his lower back, where they stayed to keep him in place while he deepened their kiss.

His own fingers had found their way into Willes hair. He had been growing it out and it kept falling into his face these days. Simon loved it. During the day he had repeatedly stroked it out of his face and Simon had jokingly put a clip into his hair, hoping it would prevent him from coming up with the idea to cut it. It had stayed in the whole day and he had looked absolutely adorable.

Right now, his hair was still slightly wet from the shower and it mixed with the slight dampness on his skin. Every now and then, he untangled his fingers, stroking his cheeks, on which the skin had finally calmed down, only to weave them back in again.

His lips left Willes and moved towards his jaw, leaving a trail of sloppy kisses until they had reached the soft spot right under Willes ear. Now it was Willes turn to shiver and Simon smiled against his skin as Wille tilted his head a little bit more in response to him.

After staying there for a while, he traced down, following the now familiar path. His mouth connecting jaw to neck, neck to collarbones and collarbones to sternum. Just as he was about to move further down, Willes hands moved into his curls, streaking them away from his sweaty forehead.

‘Simon—‘

He looked up and the browns of their eyes met, nothing but love and warmth in them. Before he could answer, Wille moved, easily turning them so that he was now the one with his back pressed into the mattress.

‘Okay?’ he asked, waiting for confirmation, and Simon nodded.

There had been a short time were he had felt intimidated when Wille had turned them like this, afraid of what was going to happen when he lost all control while being in such a vulnerable position. Wille had noticed and had eventually asked about it, checking in and they had worked on it together. Pushing boundaries in a careful way, but a safe one, in which Simon had felt consoled in every step along the way.

And then Willes hands were on him, everywhere, touching all of him and he felt his back arch into it. Wanting more and more and more. A familiar pressure began to build in his lower body and with the way Wille pressed into him, he knew the other boy felt the same.

Swiftly, the last pieces of clothing were removed, quickly and carelessly discarded until they would eventually be found again, later, when the air would be heavy and humid, but still.

Release came as a sigh, him before Wille. It was soft, almost relaxed, but with an intensity that made sparks fly in front of his closed eyes. When he had caught his breath, trying to put his fallen pieces back together, he finished the path he had started, connecting sternum to hitched breathing and a repetition of his own name.

‘Simon. Simon. Simon.’

And then they collapsed. Slick bodies on top of each other, limps entangled in a way that made it almost impossible to make a distinction. His head on Willes chest, listening to his heartbeat while Willes hand stroked sweaty curls behind his ear.

‘I love you, so much. You know that, right?’ Wille muttered, and Simon exhaled, feeling the last bits of tension slip away as he entered something he could now call the blissfulness of having Wille in his life.

‘I know,’ he said softly, ‘but I love you more.’

He felt Willes respiration deepen, in and out.

‘Do you want to shower? Or do you just want to clean up?’ he asked after a while, when they had dried up and gotten sticky instead.

‘Take a quick shower?’

The question mark at the end was an invitation for Simon to join him and it was one he immediately accepted.

‘Already raising the water bill.’

Neither of them moved though, trying to still the moment in time so no one could steal it from them. Until Wille moved, and Simon startled from the quiet slumber he had fallen into.

‘Were you falling asleep on me?’ he asked, combing through his messed up hair.

‘No…’

‘Come on,’ Wille said, and squirmed out from underneath Simon, holding out his hand to haul him up as well.

Simon scrambled to his feet, almost tripping over the loose blanket which hid the edge of the mattress and bumped into Wille, who just grabbed his arm to steady him.

Through the darkness, they found their way to the bathroom, careful not to bump into anything else. The layout still new to them and boxes and other stuff littered everywhere. Their towels hung, still damp, over the edge of the bath, another thing Wille wouldn’t shut up about and together, they stepped under the almost cold water.

Their shivers had a whole different reason right now, and this time it wasn’t sweat and dust that was being washed away. Silence hung over them, not as sticky as the humid air had, but just as heavy and was only broken by slippery kisses and soft touches every now and then.

They rinsed and dried off and made their way back into the living room in search for their previously discarded clothes before ending up on the lonesome mattress in the middle of the room again. A colder breeze was now blowing through the still open window and they actually needed to blanket right now.

Wille buried himself in, wrapping himself into what Simon liked to call a human burrito before he lifted up one of the sides, making space for him to cuddle up against him.

‘The fairy lights almost look like little stars,’ he said softly, eyeing the tiny spots that still shone their faded light through the now almost completely dark room.

Next to him, Wille hummed.

‘Now imagine the whole ceiling painted with stars instead, we can even use glow in the dark paint.’

Excitement laced through Willes voice and Simon couldn’t help but found it endearing.

‘If I let you paint it, will you shut up then?’ Simon asked, chuckling because of how thrilled Wille sounded.

‘Never.’

‘Good.’

‘Good night, Simme.’

‘Good night.’

 

The next days were filled with painting and cleaning and slowly, things started to fall into place.

They had finished their bedroom first. Simon had taken it upon himself to paint the walls while Wille was screwing together their wardrobe and bed. They had mostly worked in comfortable silence, alternated with small talk and Simons soft singing to the music they had been playing. After they left it to dry for a night, they started furnishing their bedroom, moving the right stuff there so they had more overview.

The living room took longer. This time, they did the painting together, Wille taking the lead in carefully painting the edges of the walls and Simon following him with the bigger paint roller. After that, the fun part started. They had moved every piece of furniture into every corner, trying to decide which layout was the best. The table ended up half under the arch, bridging the living room to the kitchen. Against the blind wall, they put the tv and the bookcase, which they then surrounded with the couch, armchair and side table.

Then they filled the space with their personal belongs, slowly unboxing the boxes into drawers and onto shelves. Photos of the both of them mixed with family pictures of Simon, Sara and Linda and the snow globe with the frog in it, accompanied with the picture of Wille and Erik. Their books blended together but it would take some time to no longer see the difference between Willes green plants and his own half dead ones.

After shoving all the leftover boxes in the spare room, they contently sat on the couch together, taking in their surroundings in silence, the home they had created for themselves.

‘There’s still paint in your hair,’ Wille said when he moved his gaze from the bookshelf to him, plucking at one of the curls that Simon knew still had some white on it.

‘Don’t get me started,’ he pouted, knowing fully well that he still hadn’t been able to wash it all out.

‘It looks adorable on you, though,’ Wille added jokingly, and Simon just shoved him before leaning against Willes shoulder.

‘Have you decided yet?’ he asked, breaking the silence.

‘On what?’

‘On how you’re going to paint the ceiling?’

‘You’re letting me do it?’ Willes eyes lit up as Simon lifted his head to look at him.

He nodded. ‘Of the spare room, that is. And then maybe one day our bedroom, but that has to do with the fairy lights for now.’

‘I love you,’ Willes said, excitement lacing though his voice.

‘And I love you more.’

‘So, I have three options…’

Notes:

Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did writing it <3

Chapter 17: bonus: the first christmas

Summary:

The door of their apartment burst open en Simon jumped from where he was tucked under the blanket on the couch, his laptop almost sliding onto the floor. The peaceful ambience he had created with a small scented candle, a string of soft glowing rainbow lights and the silence was brutally disturbed by Wille entering the place.

Notes:

after having moved in together over summer, Christmas is around the corner and Wille and Simon navigate through their first one spent together. lots of love, hugs and happiness, but of course a little angst as well.

this bonus story is dedicated to my dearest sylwia, who's always there to yell at me about my writing and to my lovely ali, who sadly only got to read the sneak peaks. i miss you so much.
furthermore, let this short bonus story be a reminder that Christmas is a time of the year that is experienced in a different way by everyone, and often enough is not the beautiful picture sketched by the medias around us. with this piece, i tried to show both sides of what Christmas can be like. I hope it brings you joy and if necessary, some comfort. hold your loved ones close these days and remember, du är inte ensam <3

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

The door of their apartment burst open en Simon jumped from where he was tucked under the blanket on the couch, his laptop almost sliding onto the floor. The peaceful ambience he had created with a small scented candle, a string of soft glowing rainbow lights and the silence was brutally disturbed by Wille entering the place.

On his request, Simon had stayed home while his boyfriend went out to get a last few things which they, according to Wille, really needed for Christmas. Admittedly, he was mildly concerned about all the things he might be presented with, knowing that letting Wille free in a shop at normal times was already a risk. But after some pleading, Wille had convinced him.

More rumbling came from the hallway and Simon closed his laptop, ready to give Wille his full attention as soon as he would enter the room. He couldn’t help but smile softly when the door opened and showed his still bundled up, red-cheeked boyfriend.

‘How was it?’ he asks, shoving his laptop away.

‘Cold, very cold,’ Wille said, putting the bags down next to the door as to not make the whole apartment wet and started to unwrap his scarf.

Simon couldn’t help but giggle as he watched Wille take off every single layer before making his way over to the couch, ushering Simon to scoot over before joining him under the blanket. A shiver went through him as he wrapped his arms around the boy next to him. He smelled like wet snow and pine trees, which betrayed the stores he had visited only the slightest bit.

‘Fuck,’ he mumbled, ‘you are cold.’

‘I’m sorry,’ Wille said, all was it not very convincing as Simon felt his cold fingers press against his side. ‘I told you it was cold.’

Simon hummed, letting Wille warm up next to him. He was never the one who offered the body heath, so he was glad he could for once. To be really honest, he was the reason that their gas bill was already high at this point, and it was only December.

He couldn’t’ believe how quickly the run-up to Christmas had gone. Just looking around their living room, he knew he was gonna miss all the decorations they had put up. As it was their first Christmas living together, he felt like they had done a little more than they would be able to keep up the upcoming years, but he loved it. What he loved even more, was that Willes reaction to Christmas decorations was almost the same as to painting their ceiling. Pinterest boards were being made, everything was carefully picked out and showed to him but most importantly, it made Wille happy. So, so happy. And Simon loved that.

It also resulted in a wide variation of decorations. Some of which Simon had fought against, some of which he hadn’t fought against and some of which he fought against, but had lost the fight. That last point was the exact reason why there was a whole frog family with Christmas hats on their tiny little hats on their windowsill right now, but admittedly, it had grown on him. All the little lights he loved, though. It made him think about the Christmases he spent at home, colored lights littering their small living room.

‘Do you want to see what I bought?’ Wille asks, breaking Simons quiet train of thoughts. There was a glint in his eyes that normally only painted ceilings evoked, which concerned Simon immediately.

‘Yes, please, but I swear to god if it’s another—‘

‘No, no, no, it’s not, don’t worry, you’ll like this.’

A soft kiss landed on his cheek and it almost took away his worries. Almost. Wille wriggled out from underneath the blanket, padding towards the bags he had left by the door. After some closer inspection, he grabbed one of them and handed it to him, a hopeful look in his hazel eyes. As always, Simon already knew he doesn’t have it in him to turn it down, whatever it might be. Not while Wille is giving him this look.

He reaches inside and his fingers hit a soft material, instantly giving away its contents. Christmas jumpers. Simon is actually surprised it took Wille this long to get it for them and he felt a smile creep on his lips.

‘The day has come,’ he said, looking up to meet Willes sparkling eyes.

‘Do you like them?’ Wille asked, voice full of hope. ‘I’ve spent ages choosing and I thought you’d like this one the most.’

Simon properly reached into the bag this time and separated two Christmas jumpers. The material was incredibly soft and not as cheap, or ugly, as one would expect. Both of them were purple, but the pattern was different. One of them was covered in tiny Christmas hats, the red and white matching surprisingly well with its background. The other one was the same colour of deep purple, but had, once again, a frog on it, wearing a Christmas hat.

‘It matches the family on the window sill,’ Wille babbled on, ‘but in case you didn’t like it, I bought the more neutral one as well, so you can choose and-‘

‘I love them, actually,’ Simone interrupted and he couldn’t help but smile at how obviously happy that made Wille.

‘You do?’

Simon nodded. ‘I think it might be one of your best purchases.’

Wille gave him a look, but the smile remained on his face and it took Simon everything to not just kiss him.

‘Are you going to put it on?’ he asked then, pushing the one with the Christmas hats in his direction.

‘That’s a smart way of making me undress myself,’ Simon teased, taking off his hoodie while Willes laughter filled the room before he threw the jumper in the direction of his face.

He caught it in time, quickly putting it on before the cold air could hit him and then spread out his arms.

‘And?’

‘I love it,’ Wille said, scooting closer and snaking his arms back around Simons waist. He leaned into the comforting warmth of Willes arms but the other boy let go way too soon to exchange his own sweater for the jumper.

‘Look at us,’ Wille smiled contently, spreading out his own arms now, ‘we look so ready for Christmas.’

Simon hummed, rolling his eyes in the most affectioned way possible before pulling Wille into him. They fell back into their usual cuddling position on the couch, Willes head against his chest and his own arm slung around his shoulder, fingers stroking the soft material of his sleeve. It were still the simple, quiet yet authentic moments like these that Simon almost didn’t believe were theirs now. The comfortable silences between them, their toothbrushes next to each other in the bathroom, his coat next to Willes on the hook in the hallway. The comfort of sharing a space with someone you love. The comfort of allowing the other person to take up that space, right next to your own.

The other bags were left discarded next to the door, although Simon was curious what else his boyfriend had bought. But instead of asking, he asked something else that had been on his mind today.

‘How are you feeling about meeting your parents on Christmas Day?’

A sigh escaped the boy next to him. ‘Please don’t remind me.’

Although it was their first Christmas together, the choice between where to celebrate what had come to them very easily. They were visiting Linda today, on Christmas Eve, where they would also meet Sara and Felice, but the both of them were sure that their Christmas Day would be less cosy.

Simon had met Willes parents only once before and the stress it had taken was still insane to him. He had never felt so out of place in someone else’s house and nothing in there had offered him anything close to the comfort that Wille brought with him. The whole house was clean, neat and incredibly white and Simon had just sat on a chair, trying not to touch or spill anything, while at the same time making Willes parents accepting of him. At the end of the morning, Wille had assured him that they liked him because his mom had offered him a cookie twice, which she apparently normally never did. They had spent the rest of the day curled up on the couch, exhausted.

In conclusion, he didn’t really look forward to it and he liked even less how quiet Wille became when he was there. There was no sparkle in his eyes, no happy smile, just neatly combed hair and dress shirts. Simon hated it.

‘We don’t have to go,’ he said quietly.

‘They are my parents, we kind of do,’ Wille responded, although it felt forced.

Simon sighed and nodded, cheek pressing against Willes head. ‘But how do you feel about it?’

‘I don’t know yet,’ Wille admitted, ‘I just don’t like how they make you uncomfortable.’

‘They don’t,’ Simon lied, but one look from Wille made him shut up.

‘I just hope that it’ll be a quick visit so we can have fun the rest of the day.’

‘Otherwise we’ll make up a story,’ Simon said, glad to hear Wille chuckle when he said so. ‘Just keep talking to me?’

‘I will.’

 

‘You do know that the egg is supposed to go in before the flour?’

‘Well, they’ll all end up in the same cookies…’

Baking cookies was something Simon had insisted on doing although knowing Wille was a terrible baker. Cooking was something he really enjoyed, but for some reason, he didn’t seem to understand the art of baking. Not that he did either, but his mom had given him a fair share of baking knowledge and following her recipes was something very much doable.

‘I’m always weirded out by the raw ingredients turning into something so delicious.’

‘That’s why you shouldn’t lick the bowl,’ Simon answered, vividly remembering the one time he and Sara did and were sick for the remaining Christmas days.

‘I still will,’ Wille shrugged, washing egg yolk from his hands.

‘Just know I won’t take care of you when you get sick then.’

Simon felt more than he could hear Wille laugh as he wrapped his arms around him from behind, making the mixing of the ingredients way harder than it should be. Distracting him more than he should be. At this point, Simon had lost count of how many make-out sessions they had had, had started in the kitchen. He was almost sure most of them had begun here. Nevertheless, he pressed his back into Wille, seeking his warmth for a little longer before turning the mixer off.

Once the dough was made and done, Simon rolled up the sleeves of his Christmas jumper and turned around in Willes arms, pecking him on the lips before loosening Willes hands from around him, making his boyfriend pout.

‘The cookies won’t make itself.’

That seemed to do it, because Wille made his way over to the table, where they had gathered the cookie cutters. There were quite a lot, but they quickly decided to only use the big and small star ones and the circle, to make baubles. They worked together for a bit and apart from his own humming, the room around them was quiet. Before they knew it, the whole tray was filled with stars and baubles, ready to be put in the oven.

Somewhere, it was weird to not be home for the holidays yet. To spend the whole preparation time in his own place. But at the same time he also realized that he hadn’t felt more home in quite some time. After everything that had happened at his old apartment regarding his dad, the place had felt off and he had constantly felt a lingering uneasiness. Moving away helped, Wille was his home now, and so was their apartment. He let that feeling of happiness fill his body with a warmness he wasn’t used to yet. It kept catching him off guard.

‘What are you thinking about?’

Simon blinked, snapping out of his thoughts to meet Wille curious but soft eyes.

‘Just how this is our first Christmas together. Like, properly together.’

He tried to shrug it off but the feeling stuck in his throat and he swallowed, averting his eyes.

‘And that I haven’t felt so at home and safe with someone in such a long time.’

Before he knew it, his face was pressed against the soft material of Willes new jumper, his arms wrapped tightly around him and he took the opportunity to hide himself even more inside Willes body heath and comfort.

‘I love you,’ Wille whispered, his voice nothing but a soft breath against Simons ear. ‘So, so much. And I’m so glad you feel that way.’

Simon didn’t say anything, but just stood there, taking in Willes scent, now mixed with the smell of cookies being baked. They had formed this quiet agreement of Wille offering him a way out of his emotions. A safe space where he could show them, namely in Willes embraces. So they waited together, until Simon lifted his head, Willes eyes scanning his features before he pressed his lips against his.

He realized how risky it was to get carried away while the cookie were in the oven but as soon as Wille deepened he kiss and pressed him up against the counter, all those thoughts were forgotten. Maybe he shouldn’t get distracted but Wille truly is the best distraction in the world. Just as he felt Willes hand slip into his hair, the loud ringing noise of the doorbell snaps him out of the daze.

‘Who’s that?’ he asks, but Wille seems to be just as confused.

‘I don’t know? We’re not expecting anyone, are we?’

Simon shook his head.

The doorbell rang again, twice this time, the sounds shortly following each other. He quickly followed Wille towards the hallway, but something in the way the bell was rung already told him who would be in front of it.

‘Don’t tell me the both of you were too busy making out to answer the door,’ Rosh said as soon as they opened the door. Ayubs face popped up from behind her, grinning.

He saw colour rise on his boyfriends cheeks and quickly ran his hand through his curls, smiling sheepishly.

‘Hello to you too,’ he shot back, although there was nothing that he could say to save them. ‘How did you even get up here?’

‘We have our ways,’ Ayub smirked and Simon couldn’t help but roll his eyes.

‘Anyways,’ Rosh interrupted their banter, ‘my mum baked you guys a pie for Christmas, so we decided to bring it before leaving on the trip.’

Rosh and her girlfriend, together with Ayub, were going on a ski-trip. They had invited the two of them to tag along as well, but they had decided that they wanted a more quiet Christmas, just being by themselves.

‘Is it the one she bakes every year?’

Rosh nodded and Simon turned to Wille.

‘It’s the best pie you’ll ever taste in your entire life.’

‘I can’t wait to taste it then,’ Wille responded, eyes sparkling.

Simon had invited Wille over last year, but it was a bit too last minute to fit both their schedules into one and they had spent their Christmases with their own families. This year, they had time to think it through a little more, so they were both be able to join both their families.

‘Okay, we need to go or we’ll miss our flight,’ Rosh said, hugging both of them tightly. ‘Have a good Christmas.’

‘And tell your mom we said hi,’ Ayub added before stepping closer to hug them as well.

They waved good bye just as in the kitchen the timer for the cookies went off.

 

They put the cookies on a tray to cool down and after that, they readied themselves and hurried to the bus-stop. Out of breath, they found themselves a place in the back of the bus, knowing that they’d be on it for a while.

‘That was close,’ Simon gasps, his condition was never the best and he hates running, but he’s glad they made it.

He made himself comfortable between the window and Wille, varying his position from resting his head on his shoulder and watching the landscapes outside. A new, thin layer of snow had fallen on top of the already existing layer last night and it made the world look bright and crisp. It truly felt like the perfect Christmas weather.

After a short walk from the bus-stop to his moms street they arrived at the small house of with the front door swung open as soon as they set foot on the driveway. Sara and his mom appeared in the doorway, with Felice right behind them and he felt a smile appear on his face.

‘You’re here!’ Sara called out excitedly, pulling him in a tight hug. He let his mother and Felice hug him as well and then Wille was peppered the same way.

The two of them quickly undressed themselves from their coats and scarfs and then hauled the bags of presents into the living room. They’re instantly surrounded by the warm air and a lot of little lights and when he glanced next to him, he saw Willes eyes widen in excitement.

A slightly too big but real pine tree was cramped in the corner next to the couch, presents already stacked underneath it. Colorful baubles, lights and guirlandes decorating it. Through the rest of the living room, the Christmas village was build up. Tiny houses were standing on any and every flat surface, showing scenes like a couple on a snowy bench, a square with a Christmas market and an iceskating ring. When Simon and Sara were kids, they were always allowed to set it up and they tried to make a different village each year. They had loved it. And it’s clear Wille did as well.

Although the room was full of people and decorations, it didn’t feel packed. It felt like home. Simon reached out to Wille, who was seemingly still trying to take in every single detail of the living room, and took him on a tour while Linda and the girls disappeared in the kitchen again to ready the meal. He made sure to show Wille all the hidden details of the village and told him funny stories of the times they had tried to build it up, but had failed to make it the way they’d wanted it.

‘I love it so much,’ Wille sighed eventually. ‘It’s literally the cutest thing I have ever seen.’

They plopped down on the couch together and were soon joined by Sara.

‘Cute sweater,’ Sara said and only Simon got the hint of sarcasm because Wille excitedly starting telling her about his process of making the decision on which one to get them.

He watched his sister chuckle at the story, though, and he smiled fondly at Wille, who looked back at him with his eyes sparkling with happiness.

‘I’m going to see if I can help your mom,’ Wille said then and they nodded, knowing how much he loved talking about cooking with Linda.

The both of them turned around, watching him disappear in the kitchen and heard him instantly fall in his banter with Felice.

‘What did you get each other?’ Sara asked, curiosity finally getting the better of her now it was just the two of them.

‘Nothing yet, we’re saving it for tomorrow evening,’ Simon said. ‘Wait, let me text it to you.’

He quickly got his phone out of his pocket and opened the chat with Sara.

‘Oh, he’s gonna love that,’ she whispered excitedly.

‘I hope so.’

‘He will.’

And then they quickly shut up, watching Linda, Felice and Wille reenter the room, their arms full of plates, cutlery and napkins. Everyone helped with readying the table and before they knew it, they were all settled down, stuffing themselves with Linda’s exquisite food.

After dinner, it was finally time to unwrap the presents and they found themselves huddled around the Christmas tree, taking turns in giving presents to each other. Mugs were filled with hot tea or creamy hot chocolate and outside more snow was falling. It couldn’t get more festive than this, in Simons opinion.

He also could barely keep his eyes off his boyfriend, who seemed to be getting more and more excited with every present being unwrapped. He had gotten a cookbook from Linda, which she herself used often and the girls had gotten him a new set of cooking knives, which he admired before diving into a conversation with Linda over which knife to use for what. It was adorable, honestly.

He also looked over to Felice and Sara every now and then, watching them glance at each other from time to time. Subtle touches being shared and then his sister made eye contact with him, a sparkle in her eyes that he loved to see. She was happy. And so was he.

He smiled back before refocusing on Wille, who was looking at him and in his eyes as well lay a glimmer that showed how much he was enjoying himself. And Simon wasn’t going to lie. He looked almost too cute in his self-picked Christmas jumper. Truthfully, he couldn’t wait to get home and show him all the pent up love he was feeling.

 

‘Thank you,’ Wille whispered once they were in bed together. Only his face was visible but Simon could tell his whole body was turned towards him.

‘For what?’ he asked, turning onto his side himself.

‘For letting me experience a festive Christmas for once.’

Simon scooted closer so that their knees were touching. ‘I wasn’t going to leave you all alone in the apartment, now was I?’

A sad chuckle escaped Wille before he spoke up again. ‘No but really, I really appreciate it. I had the best time today.’

‘Of course,’ Simon smiled softly. ‘You’re part of the family now. My mom adores you.’

A small smile appeared on Willes face and Simon pulled him into his chest, holding him as tightly as possible. He was happy he could offer Wille a family experience. Because this is how Christmas was supposed to be, in his opinion. Cosy and warm and filled with chatter and laughter. He could only imagine how it was going to be tomorrow when they were visiting Willes parents.

‘I love you,’ Simon said softly , pushing his nose into Willes hair, taking in the smell of his shampoo.

‘I love you too.’

Simon didn’t know for how long they laid there just holding each other. Sometimes it felt like they held each other up, giving each other their body to lean on. Being each others support system that ran way deeper than just the word ‘boyfriends’. And he loved that, he loved it more than anything in the world. So he just held the boys in his arms close and waited until he eventually drifted away.

 

The room was bathed in a bright, white glow when Simon opened his eyes the next day on Christmas morning, pointing out the fact that even more snow had fallen tonight. His body still felt heavy from all the food from last night and it gave him a lazy but warm feeling. One quick glance next to him told him that Wille was still sleeping soundly, curled up into the blanket, just barely touching him. Oh, what he would give to stay in bed and savor this moment.

They didn’t have a lot of slow mornings, not with them both working their asses off every single day, so whenever they came around, Simon took his sweet time to take in the sight of his sleeping boyfriend. Observing how strands of messy hair covered his forehead, tracing the arch of his cheekbones with his eyes and realizing once more sleep made every single worry disappear from his features. He wished Wille could always be in this state.

He’d let him sleep if he could, but they were expected at Willes house today and his parents would not like them to be late. And so Simon reached out, streaking the strands of his hair off his forehead to softly wake him up. Willes eyes fluttered a few times before opening them and immediately scrunched them up because of the whiteness in the room. He rolled closer, pressing his face into the side of Simons chest.

‘Good morning,’ he whispered, letting his arm fall around Willes waist.

‘Morning,’ Wille mumbled back in his low morning voice.

‘Merry Christmas,’ Simon said, running his hair through Willes hair again, watching how a sparkle appeared in Willes still sleepy eyes.

‘Merry Christmas.’

Wille lifted himself up, eyeing him before letting himself down again and ended up being sprawled over Simon. He let out a huff of laughter before wrapping his arms tightly around his boyfriend, the naked skin of his back still warm under his fingertips.

‘We could just stay here all day,’ he heard Wille mumble against his chest and he wanted nothing more than to give in and stay in bed with Wille all day.

‘I wish we could,’ he responded softly, nuzzling his nose into Willes neck.

After laying there for a couple more minutes, Simon slowly wriggled out from under Wille, making him groan in protest.

‘We do not want to be late.’

That seemed to trigger the morning person in Wille and he pushed himself into a sitting position.

‘I can’t believe I’m spending my Christmas with you,’ he suddenly said, looking at him with nothing but love in his eyes, but also a hint of mischief.

Simon felt a smile creep up on his face.

‘Wille,’ he said, stretching out his name as he always did when Wille tried to convince him into another bad idea. ‘Come on.’

 

‘Hej,’ he said, hooking his chin over Willes shoulder, about an hour later. Wille was sitting at the kitchen table, waiting for him to be ready as well and his mood had already changed, as little looking forward to the brunch as he himself did.

‘You’re quiet.’

Simon hated quiet Wille. Well, not necessarily hated, but it meant something was up, something was occupying his mind. And it was usually something Simon disliked.

Wille shrugged, but he pushed his cheek against Simons own.

‘Not looking forward to the mandatory brunch?’

In the past year, ever since Wille had finished therapy, Simon noticed that Wille just turned quiet every time something was up. He tended to distance himself from the situation, take some time for himself, but it would all be very silent. It was as if he needed some processing before speaking up. And when he did, he used to carefully weigh his words.

He felt Willes head shake no against his own.

‘Anything I can do?’

Another shake of Willes head was felt and Simon pressed a soft kiss in his nape, tightening his arms around him before letting his boyfriend go.

It wasn’t as if Simon liked meeting Willes parents again. Last time he saw them, he had arrived back home sad and uncomfortable. Not that they disliked him or anything, but their whole attitude was cold and unwelcoming. Maybe it didn’t help that his own mom was the warmest person on this planet, but he was convinced he had never met anyone this distant and unwelcoming.

They put their shoes and coats on in the same, heavy silence and Simon knew better than to try and make it lighter.

 

‘Merry Christmas, Wilhelm,’ Kristina said as soon as they stepped over the threshold, stepping closer and stroking her sons cheek. He watched as his dad shook his hand before they took their distances again. He himself just awkwardly shook their hands after Wille stepped aside, wishing them a merry Christmas as well.

The table was all set up with fancy plates, big glasses and, in Simons honest opinion, a lot of unnecessary cutlery. In the corner of the room stood a big, fully styled Christmas tree which seemed to had stepped straight out of a magazine and on the side table near the couch were enough fancy looking candles to light up the whole room. The difference between his moms living room and Willes couldn’t be bigger and he only now understood clearly why all the little Christmas decorations made Wille so happy. He couldn’t even picture their Christmas hatted frog family in this place.

They took place at the table, next to each other, facing Willes parents, although Kristina was still busying herself with setting plates filled with food in front of them.

‘Do you still work at the coffee shop, Simon?’ Kristina asked, finally sitting down herself and taking it upon herself to start the conversation.

He nodded. ‘Yes, I do. And I do some key board teaching on Fridays as well.’

‘So when are you going to find a proper job?’

Simon felt himself stiffen and sat up a little straighter. ‘I think this is a proper job, and I want to take my time figuring out what I really want to do with my degree.’

Kristina hummed disapprovingly. ‘I hope you’re not going to waste your time doing a student job for too long. When are you going to start looking for something decent?’

‘Mom…’ Wille spoke up next to him, but he interrupted him.

‘Somewhere next year, I think,’ he said quickly, forcing a reassuring smile towards his mother in law.

He then quickly stuffed some food in his mouth, not wanting to continue this conversation on the topic that already made him incredibly insecure. Under the table, he felt Wille hooking his foot around his ankle, silently letting him know to let it go.

‘Well,’ Ludvig spoke up, oblivious as always, ‘time for presents?’

Wille quickly nodded and stood up to retrieve their presents for his parents from the bag in the hallway. They had gotten Kristina a handmade scarf of soft material, wool mixed with silk, if Simon remembered correctly, and for Willes dad they had bought a new set of cufflinks with a matching tiepin since he had just gotten a promotion at the office.

‘This is for you, mom,’ Wille said, handing her the fancy wrapped up package before sitting down again, placing the present for his dad in front of him on the table.

They watched how Kristina unpacked the gift and Simon couldn’t help but feel relieved when a smile of approval appeared on her face when her fingers touched the soft material of the scarf.

‘This is lovely, Wilhelm,’ she looked between the both of them, ‘Simon. Thank you.’

Wille then handed his dad his present, which was opened with as much appreciation as Kristina had just done. They had chosen the right gifts.

‘We have decided to combine your gifts this year,’ Kristina said, clapping her hands. ‘Ludvig, will you go get it? It should be in the top drawer of the sideboard.’

Simon couldn’t help but turn to Wille, but he was looking back with the same questioning look in his eyes. They watched Willes dad reenter the room, carrying a small, flat square box, barely big enough to carry a watch. But why would there be a watch in there?

Ludvig handed the small box to Wille and Simon watched how he ran his hands over it before untying the ribbon and lifting the lid to see what was inside.

A car key.

Simon felt himself frowning, knowing that neither him or Wille could drive a car and he turned to face Ludvig again, waiting for some sort explanation. But it was Kristina who spoke up.

‘Your father and I think it’s a good idea for you to start driving lesson in January, so we provided you a car and are willing to pay for your classes.’

From the corner of his eye, he saw Wille swallow heavily.

‘We have arranged your first lesson on the 16th, so make sure you write that down somewhere.’

Wille nodded, apparently unable to say something and although Simon wasn’t quite grasping why, he decided to respond.

‘Thank you so much,’ switching his gaze between the both of them. ‘I’m sure this will come in handy.’

Next to him, Wille managed to nod again and however hard he tried for the rest of the meal, the tension around him stayed palpable. It wasn’t until they left and were about to say their good byes, that Wille spoke up again.

‘I don’t think I have time to start the driving classes.’

It took Simon one look at him to see that he wasn’t going to be able to defend himself properly, but Simon was proud at him for at least trying.

‘Wilhelm,’ Kristina sighed, ‘you can’t avoid something as simple as this for the rest of your life.’

Those two statements didn’t seem to line up at all, but the way Wille shrunk made him want to leave this house even more.

‘We will talk about it,’ he assured Kristina, ‘thank you for the brunch, it was lovely. We’ll see you soon.’

He pulled Willes sleeve so his boyfriend would actually follow him outside and steered him towards the street. The freezing air was harsh on his face but it made him feel like he could finally breathe again.

‘Should we just head home?’ he asked, and Wille nodded, his face half hidden by his scarf, eyes dark. Deeply tucked into their coats, they walked to the bus-stop, where they waited for ten minutes for the bus that would finally take them home.

 

Once home, Simon turned on all the little lights. He started with the Christmas tree, followed by the light string that framed the big window. After that, he lit the candles on the side table and put on the boiler. It didn’t escape his notice that Wille had tucked the little box with the car key deep away in a drawer. Just as he closed it, their eyes met across the room.

‘I’m not gonna do it,’ Wille said in a defensive tone, something close to fear hiding in his brown eyes.

‘I’m not the one forcing you, Wille.’

‘I know,’ he said, softly this time. ‘I’m sorry.’

Simon walked up to him, close enough so he could interlink their fingers, and looked up to him.

‘Do you want to tell me why you don’t want to?’

‘I don’t want to die.’

The sentence was short and blunt and it almost shocked Simon. The conversation on one of them getting a drivers license had never come up and really, Simon had never given it much thought either. But the honesty laced with fear in the other boys voice made him think about it and it didn’t really surprise him.

For now, he just nodded. ‘Do you want to talk about it right now? Or let it sink in for a bit firstly?’

‘Later would be better,’ Wille said and then he groaned. ‘Why do my parents always have to ruin everything? It’s Christmas!’

He let his head fall on Simons shoulder, and Simon simply wrapped his arms around him, pulling him closer so their height difference wouldn’t be uncomfortable for his boyfriend.

‘And it’ll be Christmas for the rest of the day,’ he said softly, ‘so we still can make the most out of it.’

Wille hummed against his shoulder and they stood there until Simon heard the water slow down after boiling. He unwrapped Wille from his arms and leaned back.

‘Tea?’

The other boy nodded and after he quickly pecked him on the lips, he padded back to the kitchen to get their mugs and the cookies they’d baked yesterday.

As he reentered the living room, he found Wille curled up in the corner of the couch, blanket wrapped around him. He put the steaming mugs down and found Wille invitingly opening the blanket for him. Silently, he crawled under it as well, pressing himself up to his boyfriend in the hope of offering the other boy some comfort.

 

After two quiet hours, the room had turned dark already and it was Wille who first moved away from his spot behind him. Simon pouted at him when his body warmth disappeared but he was met with a secretive smile before Wille exited the living room.

‘It’s present time,’ Wille said decisively when he returned, peeking from behind the giant shopper he was carrying his in arms.

They had saved giving their own presents for the evening and luckily for the both of them, their mood had lightened after just spending some quiet time together.

‘Wait,’ Simon said, scrambling up from the couch, ‘let me get mine as well.’

He hurried to their bedroom, opening his sock drawer to fetch out a tiny, but somewhat tall, square box. He had spent ages looking for it online and then still had to get it customized, so it had shown up just in time for the holidays, but he was really proud of it and truly hoped Wille would like it as much as he did.

He returned to the living room as well, finding Wille sitting crosslegged on the floor. The shopper had vanished and before him was a giant package, ribbon around it and all and the spark in Willes eyes was there again. Simon couldn’t help a smile creeping up on his own face and sat down across from his boyfriend on the floor as well.

‘You first or me first?’

‘Can I go first?’ Wille asked with barely contained excitement and Simon chuckled before nodding.

‘Of course.’

Wille carefully pushed the enormous box towards him and then looked at him, and expectant look crossing his features. Simon scooted closer and carefully started pull off the ribbon.

‘How did you even wrap this up?’ he asked, searching for an opening so he could start tearing the paper.

‘It’s a secret,’ Wille answered before urging him to continue.

The paper started tearing and slowly but surely, a fish tank came into view. It was mostly glass, of course, and black metal connected the edges. Inside were three orange fishes, swimming around quietly. On the bottom was a grey rock for them to hide in and lots of pebbles and green plants.

‘You got me new fishes?!’

Wille nodded, observing him closely.

‘Do you like it?’

Simon nodded, eyes still on the tank. He immediately thought back to the time he finally got fishes from his mother. He had been begging for it for as long as he could remember, but his mom had always refused to buy him some. Later, it only made sense to him not getting them with his father still around it the house. You could never be sure what objects could go flying with him still being there.

Right now, it felt just like that. His father wasn’t around anymore to break the tank with his anger issues and Simon once again got it from his favorite person in the world. He tore his eyes away from the tank to look up to Wille.

‘I love it.’

Simon watched his boyfriend eyes light up with happiness and maybe also a hint of relief. He scooted over, around the fish tank that was separating them and threw his arms around Wille.

‘Thank you.’

‘You’re welcome.’

From the other side, Simon now noticed that there wasn’t any wrapping paper covering Willes side.

‘Did you just not pack the whole thing?’ Simon asked, pulling away just in time to see a blush appear on Willes cheeks.

‘They needed daylight and I didn’t want them to die,’ he quickly answered. ‘But is was also very hard to wrap anyways so I didn’t really mind.’

Simon couldn’t help but chuckle before playfully pushing his arm.

‘They’d say you’d be better in wrapping presents since you literally painted an entire room ceiling on your own.’

‘That doesn’t have anything to do with each other,’ Wille exclaimed, shoving him back, and Simon laughed, letting himself fall on his side so he could grab his present for Wille.

‘My turn,’ he said, handing Wille the gift.

He felt a nervous flutter make its way through his stomach as he watched Wille tear the packaging, being a lot less careful than he himself just had been, but he took that as excitement. The white, cardboard box from underneath showed soon enough and before he could take a second breath, Wille opened the lid and peered inside.

‘You have to take it out to properly see-,’ he started but Wille already had turned the box upside down and a cold, glass snow globe fell into his palm.

The little flecks of snow whirled inside as Wille turned the globe upright again and looked at it, waiting for the snow to settle so he could see what was inside. Simon held his breath, eyes fixed on his boyfriend. Slowly but surely, the little picture inside came into view and he started to be able to make out their faces.

After hours of searching online, he had finally found the perfect present for Wille. He wanted to do something special since they didn’t really do anything last year but he didn’t want it to be clingy. And then he came across these snow globes which you could order with a picture frame inside of it and he just knew that it would be the perfect present. He only hoped Wille would see it as so as well, because the only other one he owned was the one he got from Erik.

But then he was being knocked over with such a force he literally fell backwards, his back hitting the luckily soft rug underneath him as he was forcefully hugged, no crushed, by Wille.

‘I take it you like it?’ he chuckled, although it sounded muffled because his face was pressed between Willes shoulder and neck.

‘I love it,’ came the just as muffled response, but his voice sounded a little wet as well.

Simon streaked his fingers through Willes hair, combing it away so he could get a glimpse of the other boys face. From where they laid, he could just make out the snow globe and he could now clearly see the picture he had chosen. It was one of his personal favorites. The two of them where sitting next to each other and while he was looking in the camera, smiling happily, Wille had his eyes closed, nose scrunched up and his cheek pressed against his, a sloppy grin on his face. It was taken at Sara’s place on the night of the dinner when it was the first time everyone had been together. They hadn’t yet been a couple back then, but you could see the love on their faces and Simon just adored it.

He refocused on Wille, who had now lifted his head and was looking at him.

‘I love you,’ he blurted out, ‘I love you I love you I love you.’

‘I love you too,’ he answered, tightening his arms around him, trying to pour all his love into the embrace. ‘So, so much.’

‘This is the best Christmas ever.’

And although their morning had been shitty and they still had to talk about another little cardboard box, Simon silently agreed. This certainly was the best Christmas ever.

Notes:

as always, thank you for reading and let me know your thoughts in the comments or on twitter!
and, I'm currently writing the sequel, so there was definitely some foreshadowing here and there... what would you like to see next?

Notes:

I can't believe I actually posted it aah!! Comments are like a warm hug and feel free to scream in my dm's on twitter
Next chapter will be up on friday!!

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