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on a rainy day

Chapter 5: the weather gods

Summary:

‘I said we could meet up but—’ Simon heard himself stutter which gave the man across from him the chance to interrupt.

‘Simon, I’ve missed you, both of you, but Sara won’t answer my texts and for some reason it takes you ages?’ said Micke Eriksson, who was standing just a little bit too close right now.

Notes:

Chapter five is up already, I can barely believe it??
As some of you know from reading my other fics, I like a good amount of angst, and we've finally at that part of the story! But that also means some trigger warnings. This chapter contains mentions of alcohol and drugs abuse, domestic abuse and death of a close one, so be warned.
Other than that, I want to thank you all once again for all the love and support and I hope you'll enjoy this chapter!

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

‘I said we could meet up but—’ Simon heard himself stutter which gave the man across from him the chance to interrupt.

‘Simon, I’ve missed you, both of you, but Sara won’t answer my texts and for some reason it takes you ages?’ said Micke Eriksson, who was standing just a little bit too close right now.

He was wearing joggers with old sneakers underneath it and a blue sweater with ruffled sleeves. For someone who was fresh out of rehab, he still looked like a drunk who hadn’t been taken care of himself. Simons shoulders tensed when he heard that coming from his fathers mouth. If he had really cared so much, then why hadn’t he shown that before?

Their relationship had been difficult ever since the first time his dad had hit Sara. The rage Simon had felt at that moment was something someone at the age of ten should never feel. He had screamed and clawed at his dad, trying to get Sara out of his reach and from that moment on, he always made sure to stand in front of her. Which was how he had always ended up in the line of fire.

He had lost count of the many blue spots Micke had given him, most of the time influenced by either alcohol or pills but the most twisted thing was, Simon had always cared. He still did. That’s why, when his dad texted him he got out of rehab, he had responded and he was now standing in front of him. Which was something he certainly hadn’t planned.

‘I told you I’d get back to it…’ he countered, but he knew exactly why he wasn’t answering. He didn’t know what he wanted. He couldn’t forgive his father for what he had done to them. But didn’t he deserve another chance?

Sara had always stood totally different in this, persistently refusing to ever see Micke again. She wasn’t a really forgiving type and she had to comfort Simon more than once when he had done exactly what she wouldn’t do. Despite being totally different on this, they managed to see each others side of the story every time it happened and Simon really appreciated that about their relationship.

‘Can we please do this another time? Someone is waiting for me and I should get to him,’ he said, trying to convince his dad to let him go without making him upset. He slightly ducked his head, a habit he had to prepare himself for whatever was coming when he went against him, but nothing came and he looked up again.

‘Okay,’ came the oneworded response and without taking a look back, his father turned on his heels and walked away. A trembling breath escaped Simon lips before he entered the library, almost instantly making eye contact with a very worried Wille looking down on him from the first floor. Great. Just what he needed.

He made his way upstairs, mentally bracing himself for the possible questions but he couldn’t help but feel his stomach flutter slightly when he neared Willes table. His hair was slightly tousled from the combing he had probably done while studying and he was wearing a warm sweater which looked cosy and made Simon feel a little warm inside. Despite the whole encounter outside, he couldn’t help but feel happy.

‘Hi,’ he said, softly touching Willes shoulder before plopping down in the chair next to him. He saw him observing his features for a second before responding.

‘Hej, are you okay?’

‘Yeah, don’t worry about it.’

But that sentence didn’t make the worried expression vanish from Willes face.

Maybe his dad had stayed out of his line of view, but the next thing Wille said showed that he definitely hadn’t and it wasn’t weird that Wille had some questions.

‘Was that… your father?’ Wille asked carefully, as if knowing he asked something that could lead to a very unpleasant conversation.

Simon nodded, trying to keep his hands still instead of fumbling with the hem of his jacket. He sighed before sensing that he needed to give Wilhelm at least something so he wouldn’t be worried. Simon hated when people worried about him, especially since it wasn’t necessary.

‘Lets just say, my dad was a bit of a drunk and he did a lot of shitty partying and then stuff escalated at home and he left,’ Simon explained curtly, building up a wall so high Wille hopefully could understand that he shouldn’t ask any further. He gave in to the urge and tugged his sleeves over his hands, something he always did when he felt uncomfortable.

‘He just came out of rehab and texted me a few times but I’m wasn’t sure if I want to see him. And then he just showed up and— I don’t know, I don’t really want to talk about it,’ he halted, not really knowing where he was going with this either but he sensed Wille was taken aback by his sudden harshness.

‘It’s just,’ he continued, a bit softer this time, ‘he shouldn’t have bothered us with his unhealthy coping mechanisms. I really hate what he has done to me and my sister and mother.’

The other boy boy was chewing his lip now, eyes observing him as if to see if there was more coming, but there was also another emotion Simon couldn’t quite place. Something like defeat. But he didn’t want to talk any more about this, so he quickly changed subjects.

‘How did your study session go?’ he asked, trying to relax his stance while watching as Wille started to pack his stuff into his black shoulder bag.

’It went well enough, managed to finish my chapter and wrote some new paragraphs as well,’ Wilhelm smiled tightly at him and Simon realized that his coldness had made him draw away from him. He was clearly on edge and that was something Simon hadn’t seen before, besides right after the party. He had to make things right.

He kept to his own as Wille put his books back on the shelves, somehow perfectly remembering where he had gotten them from and after that, they made their way outside. Thoughts tumbled over each other and he tried to figure out how to get the conversation started again, but nothing came to his mind. He observed Wille from the side, but there was nothing to read there, so he decided to just apologize.

‘I’m sorry about earlier,’ he offered, breaking the silence that had fallen over them during the walk, ‘I didn’t mean to take it out on you or make you uncomfortable.’

‘You didn’t, I asked, remember? So don’t worry about it.’

Something close to sadness crossed Willes face and Simon reached out to intertwine their fingers in-between them, swinging the back and fro slowly. A few days ago, he’d have considered this a bold move, but the way they had grown closer over the past week had given him courage.

Wille seemed to relax at the contact and the mood lightened a little. They had decided on cooking tonight and had agreed on a pasta, staying in the Italian vibe. The supermarket was conveniently located halfway on the way to their street. It wasn’t that big, but it had everything they usually needed.

Wille turned out to have strong opinions on what to use and what not and as Simon honestly didn’t care that much, he just followed him around, trailing him with their shopping basket and watching Wille examine vegetables and expire dates.

He seemed a bit tired today, the skin under his eyes being a bit darker and he was more retired with himself than usually. Simon found himself wanting to reach out. Even more than he normally.

‘I thought I was the one who did the staring?’ Wille interrupted him suddenly, and a tiny smile lit up his face.

‘I just—,’ he stuttered in return, but Wille jokingly bumped his shoulder into his.

‘Do you think we’ve got everything?’

Simon looked down at their basket and nodded. He really hadn’t been paying attention though. He started to walk towards the self scan checkout with Wille next to him, bowed over their groceries.

‘Wait,’ Wille pulled Simon on his sleeve to halt him, ‘we forgot the sauce.’

‘Oh yeah, I usually just put ketchup on it,’ he shrugged.

‘You what?’ Wille exclaimed, an unbelieving look in his eyes.

‘It’s good.’

‘No, Simon, I’m not doing another food discussion with you.’

‘Not the full name thing again, and you’re once again missing out.’

‘Nope.’

‘Yes, you are!’

‘Okay,’ Wille interrupted, ‘then maybe I am, but I’m definitely not going to try that, so we’re going to get proper sauce right now.’

And with that, Simon felt himself getting dragged towards the right aisle. And of course, he let him.

They double checked if they really got everything this time, paid and just as he walked through the exit, he felt the drops on his face and stopped dead in his tracks, feeling Wille bump into him from behind.

‘What is it?’

‘Not this again,’ Simon groaned, ‘I’m so so done with this.’

He stepped aside to show the boy behind him to see what he does and the misery he felt reflected on Willes face as well. It was raining. Again.

‘Maybe this whole things between us is just not meant to be. The weather gods are clearly not approving.’

Simon turned his head so fast his neck almost snapped only to see a joking smile on Willes face and he hit his arm playfully in response.

‘You can’t be like that,’ Simon exclaimed, drawing the chuckle out of the other boy he not so secretly loved.

‘I hate you.’

‘No, you don’t.’

He slapped Wille again before stepping into the rain, accepting his loss. There was no time for holding hands as they were hurrying towards Simons apartment, trying their best to keep the groceries at least a little bit dry. The only pause they took was in Simons hallway, where they looked down on their soaked clothes, feeling sorry for themselves.

‘Do you want dry clothes? I still have the ones you wore the other day laying around in my bedroom.’

Wille nodded thankfully and Simon let him into the bedroom while he went to the bathroom to fetch them some towels for their hair. When he returned, he noticed Wille looking even smaller than the last time he had worn Simons clothes and for some reason, that was both cute and worrisome.

The cheekiness from the supermarket seemed to be washed away with the rain as well and there was something gloomy surrounding Wille. As he turned his back to him to hang put his wet coat over the radiator, Simon walked up to him, wrapping his arms around the other boy from behind.

He pressed his nose into Willes upper back as his didn’t reach much higher but somehow it felt absolutely right. He felt Wille lean into him slightly before turning around so he could return the hug. His body felt warm against his, despite the cold from outside they had just faced. His head just leaning on his shoulder, nose nuzzling the crook between his ear and neck.

‘What did I do to deserve this?’ he mumbled, lifting his head from Simons shoulder a bit so his words wouldn’t get lost in it.

‘Just felt like you needed it,’ he responded simply, slowly moving backwards. ‘Ready to make dinner?’

Wille nodded and Simon interlinked their fingers, not arguing with the constant need he felt to touch the other boy anymore.

Back the kitchen, he got them both a chopping board and they went to work. Simon was having trouble not getting distracted by the little frown between Willes eyebrows when he was cutting up the vegetables, every now and then streaking his hair out out his eyes, but he managed to not injure himself with the knife he was using for his tomatoes.

Wille?’

The other boy hummed, not looking up.

‘Are you okay?’

He froze and now he did make eye contact with him.

‘Why do you ask?’

Simon thought for a bit before answering, not wanting to make Wille uncomfortable like he apparently did in the library, although he still couldn’t quite place the look that had washed over his face back then.

‘Because you seem a bit off, as if you’re, I don’t know, thinking very hard about something?’

Wille went back to his slicing, and for some reason it seemed like he wasn’t gonna answer the question at all. But Simon noticed him biting the inside of his cheek and had gotten to know that that was mostly a sign that he wanted to speak up, but didn’t know what to say, so Simon stayed quiet. Minutes went by and he had almost forgotten he had asked a question in the first place.

He went over to the sink, refilling his glass and was just taking a sip when Wille spoke up, out of the blue.

‘It’s almost been a year since my brother died.’

From all the thoughts that had crossed Simons mind, this certainly hadn’t and it took him everything not the choke on the sip of water he had just taken.

‘Shit, Wille…’

‘It’s okay.’

‘How is that okay?’ he asked, feeling stupid for sounding so exasperate.

Wille shrugged, averting his eyes and started to search for a frying pan in which he then started to slide the now cut up vegetables.

‘I wanted to tell you anyways,’ he said, turning on the stove.

Simon joined him at the counter again, filling up a pan with water to boil before he would add the pasta to it.

‘You don’t have to if you don’t want to.’

He didn’t want to force Wille into anything. He assumed that talking about his dead brother wasn’t his favorite thing in the world to talk about and he could almost feel the tension radiating of the boy.

‘I know,’ and a soft smile made him feel a little but more at ease.

‘Just let me talk, okay?’

Simon nodded, not daring to open his mouth again.

‘I told you how my parents pay everything right? Well, the thing is, we’re quite rich. I’ve always had everything we needed and so did Erik. We got the things we asked for for our birthdays and holidays and the older we got the more expensive those presents became.’

The vegetables were now spattering in the frying pan and Wille moved to add the rest.

‘While I always got a new phone, or headphones, or whatever, Erik really got into cars, just like my dad. They used to go those days were people who are crazy rich as well showed off their vehicles and bragged about the amount of money they had spent on them. So when he turned 24, he got his own car.’

A pit had started to form in Simons stomach and he had a feeling where this was going. It wasn’t a good feeling.

Since the water was boiling steadily, he grabbed the pasta and measured it, keeping himself busy so he wouldn’t make Wille uncomfortable by staring.

‘My mom and dad weren’t home when it happened. They were on a trip to Switzerland and I was home alone, watching this gay teen show on Netflix when I got a call. Before I knew it, I was in the back of a police car, on my way to the hospital to identify my brother.’

This time, Simon did look up at him.

‘He died instantly,’ Wille continued. ‘The road had been dark and there had been heavy rain that night, so when he had to make way for another car, he hit the muddy, wet shoulder and crashed against a tree. The car that had past him called the hospital and we heard from him that Erik was driving too hard.’

Wilhelm sighed defeatedly. ‘He always was, just like dad.’

‘The thing is, I was supposed to be in the car with him. But I had had a shitty day and wanted to stay in, so he decided to go alone.’ Wille paused, taking another deep breath. ‘For a while, the only thing I wished for was that I had actually been in that car with him.’

Wille had been stirring the contents of the pan for three minutes straight now and Simon moved to softly take the spatula from his hands. That seemed to bring him back to earth and he quickly continued.

‘So then my parents came home as soon as possible and we held a very well-visited funeral for him. After that, life went on but without him, and it just felt off…’

Simon poured off the pasta and put it together with the sauce and vegetables, mixing it while he felt Wille watching his every move.

‘So yeah,’ he broke himself off and it felt like he skipped a big part of the story before he went on. ‘That’s almost a year ago now and it’s been harder on me than I expected, to be honest.’

Wille then let a silence fall and Simon gathered together the only words that came to him at that moment.

’Thank you for telling me.’

Wille shrugged again, but this time he looked up instead of away.

‘It’s okay,’ he frowned, ‘well, it’s not, but it’s getting better.’

There was something else, but Simon just couldn’t quite put his finger on it. But he couldn’t expect Wille to tell him everything and he noticed that this had already been a great deal for him, so he decided not to pry.

‘Is there anything I can do the upcoming days? To make it better or easier or—?’ he asked, and as this was something totally new for him, he hoped he didn’t offend him.

‘I’ll let you know, okay?’ Wille sounded more reserved than Simon was used to from him, but he let it slip. ‘Lets eat?’

They sat down on the usual spots at Simon table and he loved how quickly Wille had become so constant in his life that he even had his own spot. Dinner consisted of Wille talking about the good times he had had with his brother and the relationship he with his parents, which turned out to not be that great the past year, and that was more or less to be expected.

Simon quietly admired the fact how open Wille seemed about this. Yes, there were some gaps and things he kind of skipped, but other than that, he told him a lot. A lot of general things, that is. Because the only thing he couldn’t get an impression about, was how Wille himself had dealt with the whole situation and every time Simon tried to ask about it, he steered away from the question. Eventually, they got up from the table and started doing the dishes.

‘Do you wanna drink anything or are you going to head home?’ Simon asked when they were almost done, leaving it up to Wille since he had a feeling the other boy was actually really tired after this conversation.

‘I’m going to go home, if you don’t mind,’ he answered, insecurity layering his voice.

‘I don’t,’ Simon smiled softly, ‘get some rest, okay?’

‘I’m gonna check if my clothes are dry, be right back,’ Wille said, before making his way to Simons bedroom.

Simon followed quietly, leaning against the doorpost. ‘You can keep mine on, if you want to, I’ll get them back the next time we see each other.’

This was really just his way of saying that Wille looked amazing in his clothes. Although his skin was pale, the purple of the hoodie suited him and the way the joggers were a bit short only added on to the cuteness.

‘Thanks,’ Wille smiled, gathering everything before heading back into the hallway, just slightly brushing past Simon and just as every time Wille was about to leave, Simon felt his stomach flutter. How were they going to say good bye this time?

He watched Wille put on the dark blue coat, wincing when the wetness hit his neck and wrists. He turned towards Simon and then he felt it. It was in the way Wille slowly moved towards him that he knew they weren’t just going to hug. They were going to kiss.

They made eye contact and Simon sought for confirmation, not wanting to force himself onto him. Wille just blinked and the brown eyes flicked to his lips and then back up to his eyes again.

Simon didn’t know who leaned in first, but their lips connected perfectly in the middle and Simon felt his melt against Willes. They were soft and they moved slowly against his and all was well until Wille suddenly broke the kiss, backing away quickly.

‘I, eh, need to get going,’ Wille whispered, chewing the lip that Simon had just kissed and the butterflies in his stomach dropped dead.

‘Shit, I’m sorry, Wille,’ he was speaking so fast his words tumbled over each other. ‘Oh fuck, I messed up, I’m so so sorry.’

‘It’s-, it’s okay, just give me some time? I want to but—’ Wille interrupted pleadingly, avoiding Simons eyes.

‘I shouldn’t have rushed you, I’m sorry—‘

’Simon,’ Wille said, voice trembling the slightest, ‘we both leaned in, okay, I-, I just-, I need some time to think, if that’s alright?’ he finished stammering, not really making sense, and Simon just knew that he didn’t manage to conceal the slightly hurt look in his eyes.

Willes eyes had changed to something unreadable and Simon rubbed his neck with a trembling hand before opening his arms slightly.

‘Can I give you a hug?’ he asked, and Wille nodded before he carefully hid himself in Simons arms. They stood like that for a while and despite his anxiety, Simon felt consoled. And he really hoped Wille felt the same.

‘I’m gonna go now,’ he announced as he untangled himself from his arms.

‘Text me when you need anything?’ Simon asked, hearing uncertainty lace his voice.

‘I will,’ Wille said softly, trying to be reassuring but his gut feeling told him differently. Simon opened the door and let Wille out, watching him walk over the corridor until he disappeared at the stairwell at the end. He closed the door behind him and that was all it took.

His frustration got the better of him and he furiously slammed the hallway door shut behind him.

Why did he always mess things up?

He sat down on the couch a little bit harder than he’d normally do, trying to calm himself down when at the same time trying to ignore the hurting feeling of rejection. Wille hadn’t rejected him, right? He had just rushed the other boy and he said he needed time. That’s not a ‘no’. Or was it? God, he hated himself.

The way Wille had almost ran out of his apartment made his gut twist and turn and he needed a distraction. He got up to sit down at this kitchen table, opening his laptop, trying to get at least some work done, trying to ignore his screaming, insecure thoughts and the fact that he was really behind on his creative writing essay, but he found himself only able to stare at the screen.

Frustrated, he slammed the device shut, and dropped his head in his hands, messing up his curls. He didn’t know how long he sat like that until he saw movement across the street. Wille was closing his curtains. He stood up so fast he saw black spots and made his way over to the window, actively letting Wille know that he was there.

He watched how the boy halted, watching him as well and in a split second, Simon grabbed his phone and texted him.

Simon: [20:53]
Are you okay?

I’m really sorry :(

He saw Wille look around when his phone pinged and watched him pick it up from the table, a tiny smile appearing when he read the text. Simons heart fluttered a little at this, thanking whoever was up there for this reaction.

Wille: [20:54]
It’s okay, like I said

Please don’t worry about me?

The boy looked up again, streaking his hair out of his beautiful face, and met his eyes. He smiled a bit wider, but even from afar, Simon saw that that smile didn’t quite reach his eyes. He waved before drawing the curtains shut and before Simon could wave back, lost in thought about that tiny smile, he was gone. He stared at the now closed curtains across the street. Maybe the weather gods were right. Maybe this wasn’t going to work out.

Notes:

Please don't hate me, please don't hate me!!! But do let me know your thoughts, I loved reading all your theories last time!
Chapter 6 will be up soon <3