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"How far?"
Tugger sighed. It was the tenth time in as many minutes he'd been asked that. But he knew Jemima rarely ever got to leave the junkyard, and had certainly never been this far away. He just had to be patient.
"We're almost there, Kit. Look, it's only a block away!" Jemima let out an excited squeal, and Tugger placed a paw on her shoulder to remind her not to run.
He was taking her to the park. It was nearing sunset, and there would be few humans to bother them. It was a beautiful night, the air was calm and it was pleasantly warm. She had wanted to see the fountains, and he'd jumped on the chance to take her. She would soon be at the age, he knew, when spending time with her uncle wouldn't be so cool. He wanted to savor every moment he had with her til then.
"Uncle Tugger, are there real fish in the fountains? Etcetera said there were fish, and they were as big as my head!"
"Nah, the fish are all in the pond. The fountains are too small, they just have leaves and coins in them."
"Why coins?"
"The humans throw them in there. Everlasting knows why."
"Weird."
The sun was just beginning to set as they reached the park. Jemima grabbed onto Tugger's paw, and began to drag him through the grass, looking for a fountain to play in. He let her, content to take a pleasant (if brisk) walk and give her the joy of locating the fountains all on her own. It didn't take long; there were two fountains and the park was small. They wound up standing beneath a statue of some mythical sea creature, spouting water from its mouth.
Before Tugger could give so much as a warning, Jemima took a running leap and flung herself into the water. He chased after her, terrified that she would sink to the bottom, that she wouldn't know what she was doing and wouldn't be able to climb out and he wouldn't get there in time and there was nothing he could do-
But when he reached the basin's edge she was splashing about in the small pool without a care in the world. He breathed a sigh of relief, and smiled at her when she noticed him watching her. She paddled over to him, and spared him a wide grin before turning and setting out for the center of the fountain. He dove in after her, swimming harder than he had in years to catch up with her. She was fast, had taken to the water as naturally as Tugger had when he was a kitten. It ran in their family, his father loved to swim too. Munkustrap… tolerated it, but Demeter abhorred it. Tugger was just glad Jemima hadn't taken after her mother in this particular regard.
With Tugger's supervision, Jemima made it her mission to reach the top of the statue in the center of the fountain. She refused all help, and spent the better part of thirty minutes trying to scramble up the smooth metal of the sea creature. Her many valiant attempts were accompanied by Tugger calling out suggestions, and Jemima laughing off every fall.
By the time Tugger decided it was too dark to let her continue, Jemima had tired herself out quite a bit and was asking if they could get something to eat. They searched the park for vendor carts and trash cans, on Jemima's insistence that she wasn't tired and didn't want to go home. Tugger could tell she was fading, but didn't contradict her. She needed this, needed to feel like she could stay up to a grown-up hour, doing grown-up things. What Munkustrap didn't know wouldn't hurt him, and they'd be back before midnight.
Eventually Tugger found them a trash can that had a crepe and a half in it. Two bites in he could tell why; they were terrible crepes. But Jemima, who had no frame of reference, didn't seem to mind them. Tugger pushed his away, not feeling the need to subject himself to any more. Halfway through hers, Jemima looked up at him, gearing up to put on her sad kitten eyes.
"Uncle Tugger, after this can we go see the pond?"
"Don't talk with your mouth full, sweetie."
She swallowed.
"But can we?"
He sighed. "It's pretty late. Your Mom's gonna want us home."
"You didn't say no!"
"Oh c'mon Jam, I'm trying to be responsible, and not get us scolded!"
She giggled, and he smiled back. They both knew Munkustrap would faint if he discovered they'd been out so late. It was a small mercy that he had taken a trip with Skimbleshanks, to pick up a kitten who needed a home. Demeter didn't mind Tugger taking Jemima out of the junkyard, and trusted him to keep her safe no matter the time of day. Munk did too, but he worried. And while Tugger couldn't blame him, he was trying to instill some street smarts in Jemima, something Munkustrap didn't want her to have to think about. Tugger thought she was better safe than sorry. Munk counted too much on always being there. This way, Jemima would be safe even if her dad was gone. But Tugger didn't want to get yelled at all the same.
"We can go to the pond, but only for a bit. We do have to get home at a reasonable time."
She cheered and leaped to her feet, crepe forgotten. This time she allowed Tugger to lead her to the center of the park, where the rising moon shone reflected in the water of a small pond. It wasn't terribly impressive, but it was larger than any body of water Jemima had ever seen.
"We can't swim in this one, ok Kit? Even if you see fish out there."
"Can we sit here and watch for the fish?"
"Sure."
Tugger sat down, and was immediately greeted with an armful of still-damp kitten. She snuggled into his mane, and began to purr. He felt the tension leave her body, and her excited breathing calm down. Together they watched the reflection of the moon move across the surface of the pond. After a while, Tugger felt Jemima turn her head to look up at him, and he mirrored the action, looking back at her.
"Uncle Tugger?"
"Yeah?"
"Are you ever gonna marry Miss Quaxo?"
That was… not what Tugger had been expecting. He was so, so proud of Jemima's growing inquisitiveness, but sometimes… it was best to let sleeping dogs lie. The curiosity was good for her, but he couldn't reward it by giving away his mate's secrets. Secrets Jemima was incapable of keeping, no matter how much she might want to. She didn't have the impulse control. What the tribe did and didn't know, and when they knew it, had to be on Mistoffelees's terms. Tugger knew this, understood it, but unfortunately it didn't give him the answer Jemima was waiting for.
"Jammie… you know I only date toms."
"But you like her ."
She had him there.
"Yeah, I do. But when you grow up, relationships aren't as simple as they seem when you're young."
"So you want to, but you can't."
"Something like that."
Jemima pouted, and turned back around.
"I wish you'd try. I’d like to have an aunt."
Tugger resolved to talk to Mistoffelees when he got home. Jemima was a smart kitten, and it wasn't impossible that she'd out him, and them, without even trying, or intending to. This heads up, while awkward, was probably for the best.
"Sorry Kit. I don't think that's gonna happen."
"But you're so in love with her! I can see it!"
"Go to sleep, Kit. If you really want, we can talk about this tomorrow."
"Promise?"
"Promise."
She turned to bury her face in his mane, and he felt her breathing even out. He absentmindedly stroked her hair as he watched the moon's reflection move, wondering what the hell he had just promised her.
"There you are."
Tugger would have jumped three feet in the air, had he not been holding Jemima. He did whip his head around, to face the voice coming from behind him. Standing in the moonlight, leaning against a tree and looking amused, was Demeter.
She made no move to join him, just looked at him expectantly. He maneuvered Jemima onto his back, and made his way to where she was standing. Without a word, she turned and they fell into step together, setting off on the long, scenic route back to the junkyard. As they passed under the yellow streetlights, Demeter's gaze wandered to every shadow and every alley. It always did, but tonight Tugger could tell something was on her mind.
"What's wrong?"
She started a bit, before taking a breath and putting on a small smile so she could respond.
"Nothing, really… I wanted to say thank you."
"What for?"
"For taking Jemima out this evening. She obviously had fun."
"Seemed like she did."
"I think she needed it… I think we all did."
"Aw, c'mon. She has fun every day."
Demeter's smile grew just the tiniest bit more strained.
"She does. But she's been talking more and more about leaving the junkyard, and it's been scaring Munk. In all honesty, it's been scaring me, too."
"I don't blame you."
At this, Demeter looked a bit surprised.
"Really? I thought you thought we stressed too much."
"Of course not. Your lives are stressful."
"They're actually kind of calm."
"Munk's entire life revolves around making sure other cats don't get hurt. What part of that isn't stressful?"
"Ok, true."
"And when he isn't doing that he's trying to organize us for balls or plays… you've seen us, we're a wreck. If he hadn't been born with grey fur he'd sure be covered in it by now."
"Probably."
"And he's got the smartest kitten in the junkyard, and the smartest queen as his mate. He gets home and the two of you run circles around him."
"Oh, shut up."
"I've seen it!"
She swatted at his arm, but she was smiling genuinely now. She knew that even if his flirting was entirely for show, the compliments were sincere. She had been suspicious of them, at first, but with time had been assured that there was nothing Tugger could possibly want from her besides friendship. Even if he had liked queens, he wouldn't have been in the business of stealing his brother's mate. Demeter was his family, and he wouldn't have it any other way.
She rolled her eyes. "You say that as if you don't cause half his stress."
"Name one thing I have done to stress my brother out this week."
"Your bagpipes."
"I need to practice!"
"At six a.m.?"
"....Touché."
They laughed quietly together, careful not to wake Jemima, or the humans in the houses they passed. There was a moment of companionable silence, before Demeter spoke again.
"You know, I think he needed this holiday."
"I thought he was going to get an orphaned kitten from the countryside?"
"He is. But he's going to have a lot of time to relax and think, on the train. He never gets a moment of peace to himself, for him it'll be like relaxing somewhere tropical for a week drinking sugary cocktails."
"Man, I wish I could do that."
"Take a train trip, or lie on the beach with a cocktail?"
"Both. But Munk deserves it way more than I do."
"No shit."
"Seriously! He spends his days herding cats. It's my job to annoy him 'cause I'm his brother, but even I know that he works hard to keep us all together. He deserves all the rest he can get."
"Yeah… he is good at what he does. I was surprised at first."
"Are you still surprised?"
"No. He loves everyone so much."
"We don't deserve him, really we don't."
Demeter smiled, a faraway look in her eyes. It was different from the one that said she was lost in her memories, this one spoke of the future she looked forward to, with the cats she loved.
"He thinks we do. And if he thinks that, it's good enough for me."
Tugger sat on the top of an old broken washing machine, waiting for Demeter to finish tucking Jemima into bed. The kitten had stayed asleep the whole walk home, and had barely stirred as Tugger set her down on the nest of blankets in her parents' den. At length, a quiet thump announced Demeter's return, and she sat down beside him.
They sat quietly together for some minutes, watching the clouds move across the night sky. It was a still night, and the junkyard was quiet as a grave. The chill of night time was beginning to settle under their skin, and she leaned into his shoulder, letting out a sigh she'd likely been holding in all day. He put an arm around her, and they both soaked in the silence of the yard asleep. Then at length, she spoke.
"I know I say it a lot, but thank you. For everything you do for us, for constantly dropping everything to watch Jemima, for teaching her so much, just...Thank you." Her voice was barely a whisper, but Tugger heard it.
"Of course. She's family. You're family." Demeter was right, she did thank him often, and his response was always the same. She was his family, and she owed him nothing.
"I know, but... I mean, family or not, it's a lot. And I know you have a lot going on in your own life, with Quaxo and with your music and with all your friends. And I just feel bad that you keep putting those things aside to play babysitter. I had Jemima young, and in a bad situation, and that's kind of on me but also... Tugger, I just don't want you to spend your youth paying for your brother's mistakes."
"I'm not. Yeah, Macavity's my brother and that sucks a lot of ass but... I don't do shit because of him, he's pretty much dead to me as far as family goes. But you, and Jemima, you're right here and I love you. Who cares if I have to cancel the occasional plan, I want to make your life easier, to make you happy. It's what family does."
Demeter buried her face in his shoulder, most likely so he wouldn't notice her holding back tears. She knew he didn't care if she cried, but she cared. Jemima had yet to learn of the... unfortunate circumstances surrounding her conception and birth, and Demeter was determined to stay strong for her. It was a mask that was hard to take off.
"Besides," he said, "I'm happy to be able to do this much. More than. I love every minute I get with Jemima, the only reason I don't spend even more time with her is because then I would be qualified to scold her when she got in trouble, and I don't think anyone wants that. I sure don't, I don't have the willpower."
Demeter's shoulders began to shake, and he heard soft laughter emanating from somewhere in his mane. The image of him trying to discipline Jemima was ridiculous, and it had done its job. He'd gotten Demeter to laugh.
After a moment her giggling died down, and the same calm they'd arrived to swept over them again. The moon had finally shown her face, and the yard was bathed in a soft light that made everything feel as if it were halfway in a dream. Drinking in the night air and moonlight, Tugger spoke again.
"I would have, though."
At Demeter's quizzical look he continued:
"If Munk hadn't fallen in love with you and decided to help raise Jemima, I would have. Well- ok I wouldn't have fallen in love with you, definitely, but I would have stepped up to be Jemima's dad."
Demeter was still for a long moment, then she nodded, so gently she could have just been shifting, in a normal conversation. But Tugger knew her, knew that while he'd never admitted it aloud it wasn't a surprise. He swallowed the lump in his throat, and suddenly everything he'd spent countless nights contemplating came into his mind- his family, his future, what could have been and would never be. But when he opened his mouth, he found there was only one more confession left.
"I wanted to."
This time Demeter was still, but he knew she'd heard.
"And I knew it wasn't really reasonable, I guess, but- the day we went to get her, I just... Quaxo held off Macavity so I could find her, and I didn't even feel guilty about it. As soon as I saw her I knew I would walk right into my own grave if it meant she would be safe."
He sighed, and leaned his head on top of Demeter's. She waited patiently as he took the grounding breath he needed to continue, knowing that he had to continue.
"I guess I don't say it a lot, I think it wouldn’t make sense to most of my friends, but... I love my family more than anything. I love my dad and I love Munk and I love you... I love Jemima so, so much," He spoke out into the night, determined not to chicken out in saying these things he'd been meaning to tell her for so long. His arm tightened around her unthinkingly, but he forced his body to relax, and forced his mouth to continue speaking. "And I- I always kind of wanted my own family. Not that I don't have one, obviously, but you know, a mate and kittens and all that. But that's not happening."
He sighed. It was such a complicated thing, and yet so simple. Mistoffelees, in short, was not a kitten person. Even if he had been, the acquisition of kittens (done the traditional way) would be highly taxing on him at least, but Tugger knew it would most likely be somewhat traumatic as well. He already felt as if he was unable to do more than the bare minimum when it came to understanding the discomfort Misto faced; he wouldn't ask for such a thing, nor entertain the idea even if Misto brought it up one day. This, of course, wasn't the issue- he knew Misto knew he'd always wanted kittens, and-
"Quaxo doesn't want kittens right now, if ever, and of course I'm not gonna push the issue. I don't even bring it up. So it never would have worked if I’d helped you raise Jemima anyway, because I'd have had to split my time and attention and Quaxo wouldn't really want a young kitten around, but..."
He hung his head,
"...but I think about it sometimes."
Demeter didn't look at him, knowing neither of them could have borne it in that moment. But she hugged him tighter, and pressed further into his side.
"Tugger, you don't need to justify your feelings to me. Our family is a mess and a half, and... Everlasting, when Jemima was born I was convinced the world was a harsh, cruel place. I couldn't be in the same room with you before you brought my kitten home to me, just because you look a little like Macavity. That whole situation was fucking insane, and, well, I guess it still is. But it could have gone in any number of directions, and if we're speaking in hypotheticals... you would have made a great dad. And I'm sure you still will."
"Like I said, I'm like ninety percent sure that's never happening."
"You never know. You think that until you go for a walk and find some poor orphaned kitten, and bring them home so they don't freeze to death, and you know Quaxo would let you keep them because when you get down to it she can't deny you anything , and-"
"Alright, alright, I get it. I'm not entirely giving up hope, I hear you."
"Good. Always remember your circumstances could change at the drop of a hat."
"Wow, that's real reassuring, Dem."
"What can I say, I'm a beacon of good vibes and optimism."
They both laughed quietly, careful not to wake the cats below. The moon had moved behind the clouds once more, leaving only shadows against the night sky. A gentle breeze blew through the junkyard, and Tugger hugged Demeter just a little tighter.
"You're a good sister, y'know?"
"Technically I'm not your sister."
"Sister, sister-in-law... does it really matter at this point?"
"Eh, guess not. You're a pretty decent brother."
"Thanks."
They watched the shadows of the clouds move across the Junkyard clearing, both thinking of the past, of those awful few days at the beginning. Though they'd left their mark they were long over, and both Tugger and Demeter would forever be thankful. As the moon appeared again, Tugger spoke one last time.
"I'm glad you found us."
There was a long, peaceful silence, and Demeter sighed.
"So am I."
And they went back to watching the moon.