Work Text:
Kate has always been everything. She is wise and kind, Edwina’s teacher, sister, confidante, friend. Kate is honest, blisteringly honest, even when it is not the fashion to do so, to be so. She rides well, hunts, and still, she paints beautifully with her watercolors and dances gracefully. Her approval means everything.
Of course, Edwina loves her appa and her mama, always has and always will. But her Didi is the guiding star of her life.
And so, Edwina makes herself into all that Kate would want her to be.
She studies and learns and reads, and her novels are a place Didi doesn’t have as much interest in, it’s true. But Appa will read to her, and after Appa is gone, Didi does it, too. Didi steps with her in dances (just like that, Bon), teaches her to make English tea (ugh, I know it’s horrid, but it’s what they will expect), and drills her on grammar in the languages they speak (almost, Bon, but you forget it’s in the declarative. How does that change the vowels?).
Kathani is Kate’s Indian name, her formal name, but to Edwina, she is her perfect Kate.
And if Edwina is formed by her sister, it’s also to become what she is not. Kate may be blunt, but Edwina learns what it is to smooth the roughness of sharp edges. When Appa dies, Kate steps up, and Mama steps back. But Edwina, Edwina learns how to step to the side instead.
Bon, they will fall over themselves for you.
Bon, they will love you as much as I do.
Bon, you shall be the greatest treasure. You shall find a man who loves you as that treasure.
Edwina has always wanted to fall in love. For all the tragedy of Appa’s death, she has had a life filled with light and love. Love is all there is, she knows this from her own mother’s story.
In Bombay, though Edwina has also, always, always, always, felt apart. She is too English in India, an English name and an English fate. She can speak the dialects, brew perfect chai, but she is being raised to be an English miss. Even Kate, Kate is really named Kathani. Kate is among her people here. Edwina is not.
Kate’s mother was from a small village, but became a favorite of the royal court before she married Appa, and they say she was beautiful and was blessed by Kali, who blesses none. Kate always has hated that, for Kali brings destruction and when her mother died, they said that was what happened to those Kali touched. Edwina has heard whispers from those who say clearly Kali has blessed Kate, too, but no one would dare tell Kate that to her face.
As for her? She looks like she belongs in Bombay, but she walks and talks and reads books from another place. The place she is meant to be, she thinks. The place she was made to go. It does not matter that her skin is the right color here. She thinks I shall find what I want in England. I shall make sense. I will fall in love. I will belong.
Edwina has a copy of her English Bible in her pocket all throughout the celebration of Diwali.
Kate reads her poetry, novels, stories of love. Kate says, “You shall have this, Bon”, as their cats sit on Edwina’s lap. Edwina never doubts love, for love has always held her close. And yet. Somewhere inside of her, she knows. If she marries well, her family can rely on her, like they do on Kate. She can finally, finally, contribute like she is meant to. “Perhaps you’ll even be the season’s Diamond. No one could be more beautiful, kind, or graceful”, Kate muses.
As it gets closer and closer to the time to leave India, Edwina can feel herself relaxing, lightening, preening. Kate, dear Kate, becomes more solemn.
“Didi, you have been to England before, yes? Why are you so sad?”
“Bon, England is lovely. It’s wonderful. You will love it. It is not where I am meant to be. I am going with you, but I’m sad that I will never be in Bombay with you or Mama again.”
Edwina is silent at this. She must find a way to ensure Kate stays in England. Kate is strong, Kate is resolute. But, perhaps, Edwina can find the right side step to keep her at her side.
When Edwina arrives in England, it does feel like a dream, a fairy tale. Glitter and gold and gems, silks and sashes and suitors. She must find the best one. She must make the best match. And, she thinks, she will make it a love match, make it what she wants. She will see the glitter and roses and ignore everything else. Write her own love story.
Of course, she still wants Kate’s approval. When has she ever gone without it?
When Lord Bridgerton shares his words, Edwina can tell they are true, inspired. They form a strange declaration. But his honesty and care, there is something there. Something real, she thinks. (She does not realize that her sister inspires the words. For she knows that while Kate could inspire such feeling, Kate could never betray her.)
She watches as Kate and Lord Bridgerton throw insults at each other, yell at horses, play Pall Mall, and she thinks, never have I ever seen two people more alike. (She does not see what is in front of her.)
She tells Daphne she has never met a man more even-tempered. Perhaps I bring out the best in him, she says. (She sees only the glitter and gold.)
She thinks- he wants me despite my sister. (She does not realize he wants her because of her sister. Or that he wants her sister.)
When Lord Bridgerton defends her family, throws her awful grandparents out into the street from a house that is not even his, when he tells her that he wants to move up the wedding, that the dowry is of no consequence, Edwina thinks, this is it. This is what love will drive someone to, what love feels like, like what love makes you.
(She does not realize that her sister inspires these actions. For she knows that while Kate could inspire such action, she and Kate belong to each other first, and Kate would never hurt her.)
Edwina is wrong about it all.