Chapter Text
WIRES ♪
Thua squeezed his arms tightly against his chest, trying to find in it even the smallest feeling of comfort. His irregular breathing got heavier while hot tears kept streaming down his face. The music that came from his headphones attempted in every way to soothe him, to calm his beats and mostly, his mind; but failed. It kept failing. Every. Damn. Time. The worn-out Nirvana shirt he was wearing was already drenched in tears and his back was starting to hurt due to the position he was in. Shoulders against the wall and legs bent. Why?
He didn't even know how many times he found himself in such a state that week. And every single time it was the same. He would see everything foggy and had no control over his breathing whatsoever. They were devouring him. Negative thoughts were really eating him up, locking him – with no hint of escape. It didn’t even take that much. A fight with his stepfather, a bad day, or even too much amount of work, to drive him in that state. To form that series of gears, thoughts, inside his little, stupid, head, that would destroy him.
He often wondered why. Why was he so weak? Why couldn't he make any friends? Why did his one and only friend ditch him, leave him, and ignore him? Why did his father pass away and why did his mother remarry? Why his step-dad hated him so much and, why. Why. Why did he have to send him to that school? That fucking horrendous, awful, insane school.Why was everything so difficult? Why?
Thua brought his left hand to his face and wiped some tears from his eyes – squeezing them several times to get through the blurred vision. Still. It wasn’t working. It wasn't working at all. His hand kept on trembling and he saw everything fuzzy. His desk, which was right in front of him, almost seemed to be moving on its own. From left to right, irregularly. Randomly.
All of a sudden, he felt a strong pain in his chest. Not again, that's the only thing he managed to think before.. His heart started throbbing, drops of sweat reached down from his neck, the familiar, sense of nausea, coming back. That regular feeling of fear, on the other hand, seemed to have no intention of leaving him alone. As he kept shaking, he took his right hand close to his heart and attempted to calm himself down. It usually worked. All he could hear were irregular heartbeats and breath gasps.
Fuck. He hated himself. He really despised his own miserable, annoying self. It was hard. Finding something, whatever reason to. To, just, keep living. Keep walking. Thua squeezed his hands around the fabric of the shirt and with a tough motion pulled firmly. The pain didn’t seem to want to go away anytime sooner. His thoughts were confused. His mind blank.
Sometimes. No, that’s a lie. Every day, he would have these thoughts. He would think about what his life had become. His miserable, unhappy life. He would think about all the things he endured, and how. How they were too much. How he wanted them to stop. How. It was time to give up everything. To simply. Run away. He closed his eyes for a moment, and once again Kan’s image appeared.
He missed him.
Missed their moments together. Spending whole days talking, playing games, or simply having fun.
Kan had a gift. He could make Thua free his mind from everything every time they were together. He so missed having a friend, someone to have fun with. Someone with who he could talk and share his secrets, his thoughts, his problems... Yet Kan had been much more than that. Kan. He was all Thua could ever want in a relationship. With him, he always had peace of mind, a sense of protection he never felt.
It had been years since he started ignoring him, yet Thua couldn’t stop thinking about the guy. Stop thinking about… the reason. The reason for his sudden action.
What exactly did Thua to him?
But, again. It was Thua we were talking about, the question should rather be. Why did he remain his friend till that moment?
It must have been hard to resist. Because at the end, being his friend meant being a loser, being labeled, and who could ever want that? He didn’t blame Kan for doing what he did. It was all his fault. He was the one to blame.
Thua grabbed the airpod that fell on the floor and putted it back in. He could hear the melody of the song again. The Neighborhood: Wires. As the song went on Thua began to finally calm down. His body getting more relaxed. When he started to see more clearly he quicky tried to get up, pressing both his hands on the floor and walking to his mid-sized bed.
Head bursting.
He dropped dead on the mattress and looked straight at the ceiling. Empty. He felt empty.
Eyes closing.
“I’m not ready to go back to school,” He considered hopelessly. Sitting alone with everyone looking at him and judging him. People talking behind his back and, of course, the persistent, daily, usual homophobic comments. He was tired, so tired. It wasn’t even his choice to come out, so why did he have to suffer the consequences? He had no friends and his classmates didn’t talk to him either.
Theoretically, they did, but it was always for school stuff. Just because he was the head of the class. Not like that was his choice either..
The teen rubbed his temples with his fingers, massaging them slowly with circular movements, and tried to encourage himself to recover. And even if he couldn’t, he would still have to continue his homework.
Because, he had to go back to that place.