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The Way He Feels

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It was late at night, the stars and moon glowing in through the dark bedroom. Gumball was on his bed, alone, crying. his best friend and best buddy, Darwin, was away with his girlfriend, Carrie, and everyone else was seemingly asleep. Gumball wished and wanted his brain to shut up, to stop imagining a better life if he were dead, and to stop spiraling out of control. Gumball felt as if he was going insane, with every passing day.

When Gumball turned 14, his mental health really started to decline. first, it was depression, then it was anxiety, Then ADHD, stuff, he had always had to an extent, but was only now starting to make itself known.

and known it was.

Gumball went to his dresser and pulled out a razor blade, still stained from the last time." just let me feel something other than sorrow..." Gumball said, Took off his hoodie to reveal deep red cuts all over his wrist and arms, and began to cut his arm with the blade, biting his lip, blood flowing he cried.
Now, Gumball knew what he was doing wasn't healthy, and would only lead to more pain and problems, but he didn't really know how to cope, he felt like he deserved it, although, he didn't have an answer why he deserved it, he just felt like he did... as he held the blade he found relief in, his suicidal thoughts were getting out of control, it was this point where he finally had enough...

He went over to his backpack, to grab a notebook and pen, and began to write...

I'm Just gonna start off by saying, I'm sorry it had to end this way... Trust me, I didn't want this either...but when your spiral, into a bottomless pit, of thoughts, and scenarios of you being dead, You can't take it anymore. IHAVE NO CONTROLE OVER MY THOUGHTS ANYMORE, I just wish, I could have done something, better to get out of this fucking rut..."

Gumball stopped writing, getting even more emotional, he knew exactly what he was gonna when he was done, there was a bottle of pills on his nightstand for his ADHD, Why did he have it? having ADHD just seemed to make everything worse, it only caused more harm than good it seemed... anyways, his plan was to overdose on pills, with slit wrists, surely one of those would kill him, if not both.

he began writing again, wanting to say something to the people he loved, before he died...

"mom and dad, I'm sorry...I know I was an accident, a mistake...I know when you slip up, but, I know you guys really do love me...and I love you guys too, I know you guys try your best, and you were the best parents I could ask for..." Thoughts of his parents entered his mind, memories of his childhood, playing, back when he was happy...

Then memories, of Darwin, then Penny, and then finally his little sister, Anais...

That was what broke him out of his plan... she was so young, how could he ever make her go through the pain of losing her older brother? and what would Darwin do without him, Penny's heart would be broken...well all their hearts would be broken...

"What the fuck am I doing!" he yelled, throwing the notebook across the room, sobbing even harder "how could I do something like that to them? what kinda asshole am I?"

Gumball the herd the door opened... he looked up, only to dart his eyes away... It was his mother, who woke up, having a feeling something was up, which she was right...

"Gumball, what happened?" she asked, worried but her eyes were drawn to her son's wrist...they were cut deeply...Gumball noticed that she saw them, and quickly went to try and hide his arms, but Nicole stopped him "Gumball, where did these cuts come from?" she asked, even though she already had a good idea of what happened.

"I'm sorry... it's the only way to release the pain..." Gumball sobbed, as his mother held him tightly, she knew about Gumball's mental health issues, hell, she was the one who took him to the psychiatrist to get tested, since the school thought something was up., But she never pictured Gumball harming himself to "cope."

But it wasn't coping, It was Harming...

"you can't do this sweetheart... It's not healthy, it's just gonna make your issues worse..." Nicole said, sternly, yet comforting. Gumball looked down trying to think of a way to word what he wanted to say " I know...But every day, I feel like I'm going crazy, I just wanna be happy again..." "I know you do, but cutting isn't gonna help, with anything, It's Just gonna make you feel even crazier."

Gumball sighed, mind still showing him scenarios where he died, and nothing happened, making him ask "hey...mom, what would you do if I didn't exist..." Nicole was taken aback, once again, she did, unfortunately, know that Gumball did have developed suicidal tendencies, which always broke her heart, knowing that her son, her Gummypuss, didn't want to be in this world anymore sometimes...
"Well..." she began to speak "Not much would change, but if you're asking what I would do if you were...dead...then, I would be heartbroken, I love you so much, and I don't know if I could live with myself if something happened to you, and this room, this house, and this family would just feel so much more empty without you..." Nicole said, wrapping her arms around Gumball.

Gumball began crying again, knowing that he was so fucking close to hurting his mother, and his family so BADLY.

"I'm sorry...I didn't want to, I wasn't thinking!" Gumball cried franticly, not realizing what he was accidentally revealing "I didn't want to write it, I-I-I just wanted to get out of this hole I dug and-" "Gumball, what are you talking about?" she asked, before noticing the notebook on the floor, opened to the page with Gumballs half-written suicide note.

she went up to it, a part of Gumball wanted to stop her, and another part of him wanted to run, afraid of her reaction, but deep down, he really just her to know what he wrote... hoping, it would help his mother understand his feelings better...

As Nicole read the note, she was shocked, at how close he was to suicide this time, he wrote a whole-ass note for Fucks sake. She just walked up to Gumball, not wanting to let go. "Gumball, Promis me, you will never EVER hurt or try to kill yourself again?" she said, "I'll try.." Gumball said quietly.

"No, I need more than an "I'll try" I need confirmation, you will NEVER do anything like this again," his mother said sternly, Gumball looked down, eyes bloodshot and wet, as heavy thick tears weald up, and fell, like a skydiver without a parachute. "what if everything gets too much...It's the only way I know how to deal with everything..." Gumball cried.

"then learn new ways!" Nicole said in almost yell, which she soon regretted, calming herself down, then holding Gumball tighter, she was getting defensive, and didn't want her child to be in pain, but she knew she was being impulsive, and that phrasing it the way she did, would only make things worse. "I'm sorry, I'm getting defensive..." "It Just feels like my life is Just a messed up game of either I'm in pain, or the people I care about are in pain..."

"Well, If you ever feel the need to cut, or like you wanna...die... Please come to me, or someone you trust EMEDETLY." Gumball nodded, but there was one problem "what if no one is around, or I'm at school?" Gumball asked Nicole didn't know what to say but then she remembered something...

"You like to draw, right?" she asked, Gumball nodded, Nicole, then went to get an empty notebook "here, if you ever feel like you spiraling, and there's no one around, or you somewhere else like school, draw your feelings out, you can also call me, or you father any time, all though I'm aware you teacher probably won't let you call in the middle of a class, still try to call." Nicole said Gumball was starting to smile, he felt as if he could feel okay for the first time "so, call or talk to you or dad first, but if I still feel upset, or I can't, then I can draw?" Gumball asked to clarify

"yes, and none of us will look through it, it's your own personal vent-art notebook." Nicole said as Gumball hugged her "Thanks, I really appreciate this, I think this will really help" "No problem, I will be signing you up for therapy though." Gumball nodded in understatement. "So, are gonna be alright if I leave?" Nicole asked "yea, my brains calmed down, thanks," Gumball said, although it wasn't entirely true, he still hated himself for cutting, but he felt as though the whole vent art thing would help.

"love you, sweetheart." Nicole said well leaving "Love you too."

When his mother had left, he took the notebook and started drawing, how he felt about cutting himself, which he knew was bad, but loved how it took away the pressure, so that's what he tried to represent. the more he drew the picture, the calmer he felt, when he was completely finished, he closed the notebook and put it in his backpack, and was about to go to sleep, but remembered his suicide note. he ripped it out of the book, tore it to pieces, and threw the ripped pieces of paper in the garbage.

after that, he went to sleep, feeling less sad, and calmer.