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It'd been a long week end. You travelled for a few hours to go and visit your parents, for you haven't seen them much ever since you found your new family. You needed to catch up with them and see your elderly cat, Patapouf. You missed that goofball.
The visit had gone well. Your mom and dad were eager to hear about what you've been up to, who Sans and Papyrus were, how life was with monsters... It was quite a lot to unpack, but fun. You had to reassure them at times that you were safe and happy, that you were with your people.
Now, you were returning home, exhausted yet content. You couldn't wait to sit down on the couch, cuddle up to Sans as you watch TV with him, pet A.D and the cats, eat some of Papyrus' delicious dinner... Or just sleep in his firm embrace. Anything sounded delightful right about now. You let them know through a text that you were coming back.
You arrived. You thanked the taxi driver again when he handed your little bag back to you and watched him drive off before you turned around to look at the path leading to the mansion. The last bit of walking was probably the worst in your opinion. There's nothing quite the feeling of being almost home but not yet. It was the end of the day, the sun slowly descended behind the hills while you marched to the front door.
You opened the door and barely made it inside the house that a huge mass lunged at you and trapped you in its arms. You recognized the scent of bone, winter and golden flowers. The embrace was firm, just the right strength so you'd feel the pressure without being crushed. But it's the breathing that got your attention the most ; shaky and uneven.
« Human... »
Papyrus. He brought you down with him as he quickly fell to his knees without releasing one bit of the pressure, only securing the hold instead. Right then, you realized that you dropped the bag earlier when the monster jumped you because your hands were free and raised in surprise.
« Papyrus ? » You called.
« You're here... » He murmured with a fragile voice. It sounded like it was torture to even speak, but he still forced himself to do so. « You're alright... »
If you weren't already confused or concerned before, now you definitely were.
« Yes, I'm okay... what's going on ? » You asked. It took a solid minute of silence, where only his ragged breathing filled the foyer of the house, of him audibly struggling to let the words out before he managed to croak out.
« I... thought I... lost you again... » He began. « I couldn't tell... what was real and what was not anymore... »
Your heart sunk at that confession. His embrace got firmer, pressing you to do or say something. Anything. You were lost for words. How long has he been in that state ?
« How.. How long ? » You asked. « When did it start ? »
« When I returned home from my shift. » He said. « You were already gone... I didn't get to say goodbye... » You heard him choke up on the last bit. You knew what it meant for him... You laid your hands on his sides and began soothing him the best you could.
« I sent you messages... Didn't you see them ? »
A moment of silence... Did.. Did he start to cry ?
« I wasn't there. » He said, his voice almost gone. « I couldn't move. I was... trapped in my own skull... I couldn't tell if I still existed at this point, if... the bed beneath me was real... If anything... was real... »
Oh no...
You hugged him as tight as your little frame could manage. Right then, you felt the last remnants of his composure crumble away while he sobbed in silence, his digits dug in your skin in an attempt to feel your body better. You welcomed it. You knew that he needed comfort and reassurance.
« I'm right here. » You said in a soft tone. « I'm home and I'm safe. I'm here in your arms. Can you hear me ? » He nodded. « Can you feel me ? » He took a few more seconds before he nodded again. « Good. Focus on my scent too, if that's okay with you. »
You both sat there in silence, while your hands traced his ribs and spine lovingly. You knew what it was like to dissociate... Thankfully, you learned tips on how to help yourself during an episode, and applied it not only to yourself, but also extended it to your boys and friends.
« You smell of apples and cherry blossoms... » He murmured. « Your washing products... » You nodded.
« Do you like it ? » You asked. He nodded back. You smiled at that. « I'm glad to hear. »
« Could you... Could you hold me, please... ? » He asked. « I need to feel you... »
« Of course, love. » You replied.
You pushed on your knees to lift his torso up so you could crawl closer and meet him. He sat cross-legged to make it more comfortable for you while you'd hug him and rest against his shoulder. You stayed like this, you don't know how long, and you didn't mind. All you wanted was his screaming soul to go back to its usual quiet humming, for him to stop crying in distress... The thought of him being in such a state for the whole weekend hurt... You couldn't help but feel guilty.
« It's not your fault... » He finally said with a croaked voice. His hand had been playing with a strand of your hair, twirling it around a finger gently. « It's mine. »
« Don't be silly. » You tried to mask the culpability with a smile. « You didn't choose to suffer, did you ? »
« I'm the one who brought this to myself. » He replied. « You died because of us. What I experience now is only me reaping what I sowed... »
That's what he meant...
« I'm terrified of the day that I'll watch you fade again... » He said slowly, every word even more painful to say than the other. Tears renewed in his eye sockets. You could tell that he was losing touch with reality again and seeing things that only he could see. You gestured in front of his eyes to try and bring him back.
« Hey, Pap, it's going to be okay, alright ? I'm right here, I'm by your side, and I will be as long as I possibly can. » You laid your hands on his face when you were sure he was conscious enough to know what you were doing, and it seemed to help him ground himself better. His tears spilled as you spoke while he remained silent. « I know that as a human, I won't live as long as you, monsters... But I can assure you that I'm determined to spend the rest of my existence by your side, to love you and make meaningful memories with you. I will live to my fullest, that death would never be a thing to fear about. »
« I can't lose you... » He said, his head shaking slightly. « A part of me died when you vanished... I don't want to ever feel that again. »
That may be a conversation that'll never have closure... Because you will die eventually, and sooner than you thought. It was inevitable. So whatever fear that took hold of your dear companion... It was real, and truly cruel. It wasn't just a regular existential dread ; he experienced it once. He watched you die. He spent 18 years grieving, only for you to show up again. It's only been a year since you came back into his life, and you still discover the aftermath of what happened back in Underground. Sure, everyone had intensive therapy sessions... But maybe some wounds will never heal.
Monsters and Humans were alike... But you knew that Monsters felt things much more strongly... That's how they experienced life, with bounds of emotions that a regular human couldn't understand... You on the other hand had always been different. You were born without a hypothetical layer of skin, which left you vulnerable to the world... so you might understand how intense feeling was for your dearest.
Papyrus was also a special case. Like many other monsters, he muted his feelings out in order to survive. Dissociated from them so his soul wouldn't shatter upon harming others. The only emotions he allowed himself to experience were anger and hatred, survival responses to repeated trauma and civil war... And while others slowly broke out of their shells through therapy... Papyrus still hid behind the wall he made. Always hiding his vulnerable side, or allowing a sliver of it shine through controlled behaviors. Sure, he didn't hide behind his rage anymore, but he still struggled to this day to live. He was always in survival mode.
So to see him so expressive now, so vulnerable just like those times, showing you how much he trusted you... You couldn't help but feel a mix of emotions. For if he trusted you to show his true self, it also meant that he was in agony and the only bit he allowed you to see was already awful.
You urged to hug him again.
« I love you. » You said. Your eyes stung with the need to cry. You didn't know what else to say. « I'm with you. »
He didn't say anything. Maybe he knew that there was nothing else to say. His arm just rested around you in acceptance for your affection, only applying some pressure in a way to say that he loved you back while you hugged him the tightest you could manage.
« How long have you been back ? » You finally asked. « Have you been able to self-care ? » You were looking at him now. The monster slightly shook his head. « Where is Sans ? »
« Probably out, either drinking or working. »
« Okay... How about we get some food, hm ? » You asked him with a soft tone and a smile. « You'll feel much better with some pasta. Do you want me to cook ? »
« You must be exhausted... I should be cooking. »
« And you haven't eaten for two days. You sit down and relax. Pasta isn't so hard to make. »
That seemed to ignite something in him.
« Maybe, Mx, but I am a chef ! There is no such thing as regular pasta in this house. » Oh, here he was. He proceeded to get up, almost forgetting you were attached to him when he grabbed you and put you down on your feet. « WE make pasta the right way here ! »
You followed him towards the kitchen.
« Or, we can appreciate a simple dish made out of love ? » You tried again. Only then you saw him slow down to look back at you. « I may not be a chef, but it's not often that I get to take care of you. »
He stared at the kitchen counter and thought for a bit until his shoulders sagged. Maybe he realized that he was also exhausted from his episode. He sighed in defeat.
« Come and sit. I'll make you some tea and will take care of the rest. » You coaxed him by taking his hand and pulling him towards the table.
« You're tired, human... » He tried to interject.
« So are you, and you're not well enough to handle knives. » You doubled down while you pushed him gently towards the seat so he'd take it. « You're welcome to admire me handle them instead. » That got him to smirk.
« I already do that on a daily basis, my love. » He said before you could lay a kiss on his mouth, freezing you midway.
Shit, that was smooth. That fucker's getting good at flirting. He must have noticed the blush because his mischievous smile grew a tad. His low snicker as you denied him his kiss and went to get to work instead let you know that tonight would be alright.