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Tim had actually been having an okay day.

Things were looking good. The numbers from the last quarter were looking great and he and Lucius had just finished developing a new alloy that would be great for his staff, making it more efficient when fighting in space.

He even had time to sit down for lunch and relax a little doing mindless stuff on his phone.

Three minutes later, he wishes he hadn’t.

Why did Twitter even exist?


Felicia @flipflophereidrop

Here I am just enjoying my salad when Brucie effing Wayne comes in with a girl. Seriously, that kid cannot be legal 😱 #cradlerobberwayne

[image: picture of a smiling Bruce Wayne standing at the till of a café with his arm around a young black-haired girl standing on her tiptoes in order to see the top shelf of the pastry display.]


Fuck the patriarchy in the butt @Gotham_hates_me

Srsly, first DiCaprio and now this #cradlerobberwayne


Julia💅 @julietta1687

Have you seen that skirt tho


All Hoes No Bros @jujudictator

Damn! Daddy bought baby some sugar. That’s an original @MDC


Kamilah with an H @Kamilahwithanh

OMG, people here are just looking at fashion when we should be talking about who is supposed to press charges against Bruce Wayne for statutory rape!! 🤬🤢 WTF @WayneEnterprises #cradlerobberwayne



What the fuck indeed, Wayne Enterprises.

Tim slumped down in his chair with a whine.

His phone buzzed in his hand with a text from Lucius.

The first of many, probably.


Lucius: Tim, did you know about this? [screenshot of the picture from the café]

Lucius: We should really know about things like this before it happens.

Lucius: Investors are calling me

Lucius: Call me as soon as possible

Lucius: Talk to Bruce and then to PR

Lucius: You might as well swing by HR as well


Tim decided to ignore him for now. That was a responsible adult thing to do, right? Right.

Unfortunately, that decision didn’t mean peace.


The Furious Whatever Number We’re At Now

Dick: Have you seen this?

Dick: [screenshot of twitter feed]

Dick: Should we do something?

Waffle-waffle: Like what?

Waffle-waffle set the nickname for Dick Grayson to Dildo.

Dildo: #cradlerobberwayne is trending

i’m gonna be swamped with meetings over this

Dildo: 😬

bye-bye social life


Zombie: You have a social life?

Timmers set the nickname for Jason Todd to Toddler.

Dildo: Seriously tho? Shouldn’t we do something?

Waffle-waffle: Again – like what?

Dildo: I just mean she does seem awfully

Dildo: young

Waffle-waffle: How old do you think she is?

Toddler: Young enough that B better have a fucking good explanation if he wants to keep his kneecaps.

don’t break his knees pls

he needs them to go to his office to do his damn job

which I’m currently doing

srsly im dying

Toddler: Fuck you.

Toddler: Just making fun of my trauma


Dildo: Do we talk to Bruce though? Stage an intervention?

Damian Al Ghul-Wayne: I suggest tracking down the scum who dare besmirch father’s reputation and demonstrate that this will not be tolerated.

Timmers set the nickname for Damian Al Ghul-Wayne to Stabby Baby.

Stabby Baby: I shall smite them with prejudice.

Stabby Baby set the nickname for Damian Al Ghul-Wayne to Damian Al Ghul-Wayne.

Toddler: All 3K people who retweeted the og post?

Damian Al Ghul-Wayne set the nickname for Tim Drake to Coffee Stain

ugh fine.

lucius wants me to talk to him anyway

Dildo: Do you need backup?




Dildo: 😘



Tim sighed heavily and called Lucius for damage control.



They were all gathered.

Tim had thought that perhaps he and Dick could have sat down in the study and calmly ask what the fuck was going on.

But no. They were all. Gathered.


In the sitting room.

Even Cass had come all the way from Hong Kong.

Another two photos had dropped of Bruce with the mystery girl, one at a restaurant and one at a high-end mall.

Tim and Dick had asked Bruce if they could come by for a talk and somehow that had turned into family dinner.

It was incredible how many people could be gathered in one room in complete silence.

Steph sat at the edge of her seat, biting her lip, her eyes wide with excitement. Tim had never met anyone who thrived as much on chaos and awkwardness quite as she did.

Actually, that probably said a lot about their relationship.

Duke’s eyes were nervously flitting between each family member, clearly expecting some sort of explosion.

Jason took up an entire couch, lying with his feet in Dick’s lap. He was pretending to read a book, but Tim knew he had already finished it last week.

Damian was sitting in a large wingback chair, stroking Alfred the Cat while scowling at anything that moved, like a tiny villain in training.

But the worst bit was Bruce who was weirding everyone out.

“Bruce?” Dick finally prompted, bursting the bubble of awkward they had painstakingly built up.

Bruce looked up from his newspaper with an inquisitive hum.

“You’re smiling.”

Bruce cocked his head in confusion, a tiny bit too close to Brucie for comfort. “Why shouldn’t I smile? I’m happy?”

Dick groaned and rubbed his face. “Look, B. We all know that things have been hard on you since Selina left –“

“What does Selina have to do with anything?”

Dick and Tim shared a look over Bruce’s head, where Dick was clearly signalling Tim, trying to get him to take over the conversation but Tim frantically shook his head until Bruce turned his head to look at him 

Tim sighed heavily.

“Look, Bruce. There have been some rumours going around, with some pictures of you on dates with a girl who –“

“Ya better find some ID on that girl before I take away your kneecap privileges,” Jason grunted from the couch.

Bruce snorted. “I think Bane has my original kneecaps somewhere,” he mused out loud.

Tim groaned. “It’s because these rumours are flying, and our stocks are –“


Everyone’s heads turned towards the entrance.


Because everyone was there already.

So, who was at the door?

“You invited her?” Stephanie whisper-shouted gleefully.

Everyone looked up expectantly when Alfred indeed came in, accompanied by the young woman.

She was very pretty and looked quite nervous.

Alfred cleared his throat. “May I present, Miss Marinette Dupain-Cheng.”

“Wayne,” Bruce added with a smile.

The girl pursed her lips.

“We’re working on it,” Bruce conceded.

“You’re getting married?!” Tim exploded, unable to take any more curveballs.

The girl looked absolutely horrified. She even gagged a little.

Bruce blinked several times, as if that thought hadn’t even occurred to him.

Tim would like to have taken credit for catching Batman off guard, but it was a tame victory since it came with himself being blindsided as well.

Bruce composed himself with a headshake and cleared his throat.

“Marinette is my daughter. From a woman in Paris. She’s your sister,” he clarified stiltedly.

Steph made a high-pitched sound like a balloon losing air. “Yes!” she exclaimed with a fist pump. “We needed more women in this household."

“You don’t even live here,” Jason booed.

“Neither do you, you dick,” she retaliated, throwing a decorative pillow at his head.

Jason tried to chuck it right back, but it was caught by Cass. “I’m not the dick – he is,” he pointed out, jamming his toes into Dick’s side.

Dick yelped and jumped, losing his balance mid-way. He tried to recover into a hand-spring, but instead landed directly on top of Duke who screamed.

Tim sighed and rubbed his forehead. He was too tired for this shit.

At least, Damian was simply looking at the others in disdain rather than trying to kill the newcomer who was taking in the chaotic scene with wide eyes.

Poor girl.

Tim shot off a quick text to Lucius before sliding his phone back into his pocket.

“I’m Tim,” he greeted and got up to shake her hand. “I would say that it isn’t usually like this, but that would be lying.”

“Uh-huh” she murmured distractedly, observing as Jason had Dick in a headlock while Steph was filming.

“They’re – or I guess we’re – we’re family.”

He gave her a small smile that he knew was too awkward to be properly reassuring.

“Don’t worry,” Bruce rumbled behind them. “You’ll fit right in,” he assured the girl.

That was by far the most ominous thing Tim had heard all day – and he had been on the phone with Lex Luthor.

“Are you sure?” she asked.

Bruce chuckled. “No doubt about it."