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I'm Sorry.

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I Failed.

(First Person)

Mama had made dinner, we sat at the dinner table. I had just snuck some food to Arlo when my phone buzzed. I had applied to work with Mama and Mom at the precinct. I checked to see if it was an email. It was. I quickly ran to grab my laptop to read the email in full. I ran back and got my  mothers  to come to the couch as I logged onto my laptop. 

“Dear Enigma Linetti-Diaz, I regret to Inform you that you did not get a job as a detective, due to your criminal record…..”

My voice trailed off as I continued to read the email.

“ Of speeding,assault,trespassing,and vandalism. Despite your score in training and overall skill I'm disappointed to say you will not be joining the ninety ninth precinct. Sincerely Captain Raymond Holt “

 Before I knew it tears were streaming down my face and ugly sobbing noises were made. 

Mom tried to comfort me and Mama just sat there.

“ I tried! I really did. That's not fair! He even said I did good! Mac got the job and he's not even 21 yet! I even helped with a drug bust!” Some other words fell out of my mouth that I'm ashamed to have said. 

“ I'm sorry Enigma.”

Mama didn't even call me Iggy, she's disappointed.

I can tell.

Mom didn't say anything to me, she was already on the phone yelling at Holt.

It's my fault, I tried too hard.

I was too focused on impressing Rosa.

Ugh I hate when people compare me to my parents.

“ You sure she 'sa Diaz? She 's loud,ungrateful,soft,fabulous.Ni siquiera creo que sea pariente de Rosa. Mira su cuerpo,su pelo,su cara. De ninguna manera.” 

Im not dumb I hear them, I know spainish. 

I hate them.

They got me my assault charge.

“ No way she's a Linetti. She's quiet,weird,a tomboy,a ****.How weird.”  

I'm in my room, my head's pounding,they are knocking on my door, moms worried, I wouldn't stop crying. I'm mad I screwed it over.

Why did Mac get the job but not me? How is he better than me? Hes jsut a dumb kid. I'm an adult now! I have worked at the nine nine as a helper since I was 16,I have four years of training and I graduated top of my class. I have more experience than most people my age. I'm not some dumb kid who spends their daddys money and demands everything I worked for this. I bled for this, I lost friends for this,I struggled for this, I turned down college applications for this. I had to turn down life for this. And all I got was the title of a disappointment.

I left lovers for this. 

Why didn't I get it? Because I had fun and made mistakes which I lived up to and corrected.

Mom told me Mama isn't disappointed. It's been a week and she still hasn't said a word to me. 

Mac hasn't visited either or answered my texts. He's too busy being a detective. He's too busy making Jake and Amy proud. What am I doing? I'm currently in a trashed room with empty water

bottles thrown around. I'm not making my parents proud. I dumped all of my classes. Dance flopped,Boxing flopped,Gymnastics flopped. It all flopped.  

Mama finally talked to me, Mac got hurt.

Was I supposed to be sad? 

He ditched me.

I literally helped him into the academy.

And all I got was an untrustworthy friend.

He got shot,it was only in the leg. Wimp.

Though I got a call, I got to replace Mac as He healed. I got my own desk next to Mamas.

It even had

Dect.Linetti-Diaz

I got to be a detective! 

 

FOUR MONTHS LATER

I hate him.

I hate him so much.

He came back and they didn't need me any more.

For the four months I worked I doubled the amount of solved cases and they still let me go. I'm better than Mac. Is it because I'm a woman? Or because Mac fits into society's heterosexual norm?

Mac got a medal of honor for getting shot in the line of duty.

What duty? He literally shot himself in an accident. Mom said I need to forget and forgive. I'm not gonna.

 

TWO WEEKS LATER

I had to go to some stupid thing for the nine nine….hitchcock and scully left. I quickly asked via email for a job.

Mama said I seemed needy and needed to try as a uniformed cop first.

No.

I want to be like her.

She got hired right away.

I didn't.

She's well known for all the right reasons.

Not me, I'm known at nine nine for being Gina and Rosa's kid who has been arrested twelve times, who is mentally unstable. I'm not mentally unstable, I'm completely fine. Yes I get angry easily and blame others but I'm okay. I said I'm okay. Do you not believe me?

 

THREE MONTHS LATER

 

What if I got the job? Mama would be talking to me more. She has stopped giving me chances, I have gone to jail. For real. Drunken recklessness,speeding, and public disturbance.

I went for three months.

Mac bailed me out. I guess he did care. Or is He just sick of me?

What if he doesn't actually care and only wanted to use it against me? 

Mom got sick of me. She told me to get a job and an apartment. Because she didn't raise a slacker.

So I did. I got a job at a store. They didn't ask any questions about my record

 

ONE MONTH LATER

 

It got worse. The meds stopped working. I have thought about it once or twice but I couldn't leave mom like that. I couldn't leave Arlo wondering where his friend went. I couldn't leave mama like that, she's the reason I had a chance in the first place. I failed her.

Would anyone care if I did? Not like anyone talks to me. Hell I don't get any holiday cards from Charles anymore. Amy has stopped sending me updates,Terry doesn't view me as the little girl who would make him carry her, Holt no longer lets me sleep on his couch in his office with Cheddar, Jake doesn't send me dad jokes anymore he was a father figure to me who is my real dad? Do I have one? Does he know how much of a screw up I am? I don't think He cares. No one cares. 

 

NEXT DAY

 

I'm in the hospital. The gangs are all here. Macs on my left side he's a mess, mom and mama are on my right they seem terrible mom has make up smeared and mamas pacing. Jake and Amy are waiting for the doctor.

Charles had to leave because Nikolaj got scared, I love Niko like a brother. I feel bad. He left me a drawing. Terry couldn't deal with it, he's a big softie.

I don't know where Holt is. I can't hear him. 

I open my eyes right as the doctor walks in.

“ She's better, you got her here in time. She lost a good bit of blood in the accident. Did she show any signs before?”

“ She didn't answer any of our texts or calls, she left almost a month ago. Just stormed off when I tried talking her into seeing a therapist. She took the rejection pretty seriously.”

“ She stopped talking to me after I got the job, we got into a huge fight and she had to be arrested. She was drunk, I smelled it. I bailed her out of jail because I knew she didn't mean it.”

“ She's not a bad kid i wouldnt of thought she would do this. She's not insane, there's no need to write her as such.”

I started to cry.

“ I'm sorry.”

 

ONE YEAR LATER

I'm now permanently a detective, for six months I was seeing a therapist till I was deemed okay. Mom still is a bit worried she makes sure my meds 

are full and i'm taking them. Mac is helpful; he's certainly not going anywhere any time soon. 

I'm still pretty mad at Holt tbh.

The End.