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Emily Prentiss was used to not feeling like part of something. She was used to feeling unanchored, unattached, untethered.
Alone.
All of her life, she had followed her parents all over the world. From America, to Europe, to the Middle East, and beyond. She had attended countless of schools and worked too many jobs to count. Made too many ‘friends’, and too many allies and enemies.
She was used to never putting down roots, and she was used to being always the odd one out.
Always the one that never really fit in (a square peg in a circle).
But usually Emily was good at, if not belonging, adapting.
After so many years of never belonging, she had the skills necessary to blend in. She had learnt how to pretend to be part of the group, to become a part of a system, a necessary and valuable resource wherever she went.
And it wasn't as if she wasn’t a valuable resource in the BAU. She was. From the very first time she went on the field (a 'non-existent' terrorist in Guantanamo), she had become an important and necessary fountain of knowledge for the team.
But she did not belong with them.
Emily was used to not belonging, but she was also used at making others believe that she belonged. At making them think or feel that she was part of them, that they needed her.
She couldn’t do that with the BAU.
She should have seen it coming, perhaps. They were a team made up of profilers who had been working together for a long time. They were an interwoven unit that worked on top of one another, that did not know how to turn off even on their off days, that simply knew, trusted and respected the others in a way only time and experiences together would have made possible.
They probably had seen right through her attempts of becoming one of them before she had even tried.
And it wasn’t as if they were rude to her. It wasn’t as if they resented her, or pushed her away. They were not even truly cold towards her.
But there was a barrier.
An invisible and yet insurmountable barrier that made them treat her the way they would treat a helpful but not indispensable member of law enforcement that they’d partner up with during a mission.
Helpful, but not indispensable.
So Emily pulled back. She stopped trying so hard to be one of them, and instead started watching them. Observing them, from the desk of the former member of their team - their former friend - and started to try and figure out how to become what they needed.
She could not become Elle Greenway, she knew that already.
But she could become something necessary, something useful.
Someone indispensable.
And for that, she needed to watch them.
Emily’s goal had been to observe them all. To watch the team, and to try and figure out what they needed, what she could become for them.
They were interwoven (a family). They were a machine that worked together, that could survive a piece missing but that would work slower to compensate for it. Watching them figure out an unsub, building the profile on top of what the other had said, it was fascinating.
They were individuals, that was certain. But they were also a team, and worked best when together.
So Emily’s observed them all. Watched how each of the pieces fit.
But more and more, Emily watched Spencer Reid.
Supervisory Special Agent Doctor Spencer Reid.
It was not on purpose.
But all the roads lead to Rome, and all of the threads from the team led to Spencer Reid.
He was not the most important member of the team. He was a genius, and he was the youngest, but it was not as if he was the first that you’d notice if you were to walk into the room (Hotchner and Morgan) (maybe, he was noticeable for how not noticeable he was).
She would not say he was the glue that held the team together (Garcia, maybe? Or Jareau?)(there were threads, but no glue).
But he was definitely at the center.
In the middle.
The favourite.
Jason Gideon did not look like the type to have favourites. Jason Gideon was one of the founders of the BAU, and he was one of their best profilers. Not a leader in the way Hotchner and the team needed, but a teacher. A mentor, there to help them achieve their best.
Jason Gideon had not thought much of Emily, when she had joined. She had felt hurt, at first, by his disinterest, but then she had realised the why for it (he needed to see, before he judged. He did not trust victims and unsubs with agents he did not know).
He wasn’t warm, with the rest of the team. He did not make jokes. His sense of humour was quite dry, and while he might chuckle or smile at others’ jokes, he did not offer many of his own.
Gideon pushed his team to their fullest potential. He did not offer them sweetness or a helping hand, just expected them to be great. He kept his emotions close to his chest, and watched them from close and from afar.
He was not different with Reid.
At first glance, he was not different with Reid.
He did not feed Reid the answers. He did not offer him kindness or a helping hand, just expected him to be great. He kept his emotions for him to his chest, and watched him from close and from afar.
But on the plane, he’d bring out the chess board. He’d sit in front of Reid, and they would challenge each other. He’d watch Reid as he tried (and failed) to beat him, and he would not smile (at least not with his lips).
He’d quote a book that he knew Reid had not read. There were no answers in the book, when Emily went home and tried to find it, but the next day at work, Reid had an answer. Sometimes a quote. Sometimes a statement.
He wouldn’t tell Reid good job. He wouldn’t always clap his shoulder.
Usually he just nodded, satisfaction missing from his features, and Reid would walk away with a pep on his step, a confident smile on his face.
Gideon would watch him walk away. He did not smile even after Reid was gone, and just went back to his work.
He did not do it with the others. If he did, it was so rare that Emily had not seen it in the weeks she had been there.
Favorite.
There was Jennifer Jareau (JJ, Jayje).
JJ had the face of a friend. She had the face of the next door neighbour, the charm of everyone’s favourite girl.
Star athlete, prom queen, valedictorian: Emily knew the type.
She was sweet, and kind. And she was efficient, and brave (and she was beautiful).
JJ’s job was to find them their missions and to make people feel at ease around her. Her job was to make them think she was their friend, to make them underestimate her and lower their guard.
Comfort for the families who saw her on the news, and for her team, in and out of the Bureau.
Emily had thought that Hotchner was a bigot or a misogynist, when she had first started. That he did not like or respect women.
But he respected JJ. They enjoyed each other’s presence, and JJ enjoyed conversing with him.
She cared for them: perhaps one of the few who realised how truly they were a family. She cared for her family, and was fiercely protective of them all.
She did not push Emily away. She smiled at Emily, but she smiled with the same smile she gave the police officers of any place they went to for a case.
And she truly cared about Reid.
If Gideon thought he was Reid’s mentor, JJ thought she was his best friend. Or perhaps his sister.
JJ would come to him when he started squinting at his papers, and she would press her fingers on his temple (Reid did not flinch when JJ did this). She would push his hair out of his face, and she would place his glasses on his face. She would leave a gatorade or a bottle of water next to him, and she would whisper sweet words that made them both smile or laugh.
She gave others water. She made other laugh.
But she paid close attention to Reid. She brought him his glasses when his eyes got tired, and rubbed away the migraines from too much paperwork.
No one else (that Emily had seen).
Penelope Garcia was Reid’s friend.
She was hard to read.
Emily had not seen her face to face very often. She had heard her flirty and witty tones from the phone often. Mostly she spoke to Morgan (babygirl, chocolate thunder), and usually about things Emily wasn’t sure were quite legal.
She was smart.
She knew computers. She was not a profiler, not like them. She hated (they all did) the sight of injured bodies, and could not look at torture or cadavers for too long.
She was not a profiler.
But still, Garcia belonged to the family. Garcia was one of them.
Garcia got away with calling Hotchner ‘honey’. Garcia had gotten Gideon to tell her ‘good job’ even without being a profiler. Garcia and JJ were friends, sisters. Garcia and Morgan were best friends (maybe more).
Garcia did not take care of Reid like JJ did.
Garcia... understood Reid.
She and Reid were not the same. She was flashy, and he blended in. She was loud and sarcastic, and he was quieter and unknowingly sassy.
But she and Reid understood each other.
If JJ was the friend who took care of Reid, Garcia was the friend that corrupted him. She pushed him out of his safety zone, out of his personal bubble. She teased him without ever going too far, and she could almost keep up with him and his rambles (better than anyone else).
They were both geniuses, in different ways.
Sometimes, during breaks, Reid would go hang out with her in her ‘cave’. Emily did not know what went on in there, but Hotchner or Morgan always had to drag him out from there (every time that happened and the door opened, they were somehow always screaming or screeching)(it was the loudest she ever heard Reid being).
Rarely, Garcia would come to bullpen. She would sit between Morgan and Reid, and she would bother him. Trick him into rants, by disagreeing about things on purpose, until he realised.
She taught him things he did not know. She listened to Reid rant about books and science and psychology, and she would tell him about music, popular culture and the internet.
They learnt from each other.
She didn’t do that with anyone else (Hotchner and Gideon didn’t care; JJ already knew, and had different arguments with her; Morgan only cared about selected stuff, and got bored. Reid always listened).
Hotchner watched over them all from his office.
JJ saw them as a family. She cared for them like a family member would.
Hotchner saw them as his team. Felt responsible for them the way a leader would.
Like Gideon, Hotch did not give preferential treatment.
He respected Gideon like a superior, but everyone else was the same. No one was more or less than the other.
He did not teach them like Gideon did. He was the base of the profile, the beginning. Sturdy, safe, strong (the stronger the foundation, the sturdier the fortress).
He started, and they piled on it. They added.
Hotch praised them more than Gideon did. He smiled less.
Hotch did not like Emily. He did not trust her, and did not trust her inside of his team.
Emily believed that if Hotch were to trust her, to really bring her in, then the rest would follow.
Hotch was the leader. He went, and his team followed.
Hotch was the leader. He did not like her, and his team followed.
Hotch was protective of his team. He was strict, but he cared about them. He was the first to play the bad guy, but none of them ever held it against him (the only one who did was Elle Greenway, and Elle Greenway was gone).
Hotch was less strict with Reid.
Emily was not sure if the others saw it, or if they realised it.
Reid surely knew it. He knew he could get away with more, he knew that Hotch treated him a little less harshly.
If Morgan caused a disturbance, Hotch would tell him to cut it out.
If Garcia caused a disturbance, Hotch would tell her to stop.
If Reid caused a disturbance, Hotch would tell him to refrain. And then Hotch would follow that with a witty comment about it, or a reproaching expression where his lip was quirked a little too high.
Reid didn’t take advantage of this. If Hotch told him to stop, even if he added something to make it sting less, he did stop. He’d apologise, and stop, but he always smiled a little too smugly.
If anyone ever noticed this before, Emily had yet to hear them complain.
Then there was Derek Morgan.
Derek Morgan had a special relationship with almost everyone in the BAU. He had a reputation in the other departments, but inside the team, he was respected. He was trusted. He was liked.
Hotchner and Gideon respected him.
JJ trusted him.
And Garcia and Reid liked him.
Emily did not know if there were feelings between Garcia and Morgan. She wasn’t sure if there was any romantic relationship from either one of them.
She liked him, and he liked her. That was clear.
Morgan and Reid...
Emily was not sure if their relationship was more the relationship between brothers (hey, kid) or that between boyfriends (you good, pretty boy?).
Morgan always put his full attention on things. He was focused on whatever he was doing, always.
But he was always aware of Reid.
They were desk by desk at work. Morgan worked on his work, and Reid on his. They had completely different ways of doing things, different methods.
But if Reid started to look confused, if he started to appear lost, Morgan knew. He’d glance up (you doing good, pretty boy?), always at the right time.
On the plane, he’d put earphones on. If Gideon and Reid weren’t playing chess or another game, Morgan always took care in moving to the chair closest to Reid.
If Reid accidentally fell asleep, Morgan would put his jacket or the blanket on him.
Sometimes, Reid would twitch in his sleep, or would frown, and Morgan would clear his throat, or brush his hair with a finger, or wake him up (Emily had never heard Spencer have a nightmare, but Morgan always knew).
If they went out, Morgan knew what Reid would want. He knew what to suggest him, and he knew what to tell him to avoid.
Once Emily and Morgan had gone to pick up lunch for everyone. Morgan had known everyone’s order, and Emily had not been surprised by that.
She had been surprised when one order had been different. When he had asked for the gyoza and the dumplings to be kept in separate boxes, and for one portion of the salad to not be mixed or filled with oil or sauce, and for a fork instead of the chopstick.
She had been surprised when he had opened the ‘different’ order to make sure his requests had been followed, before they had gone back to the office.
She had not been surprised when he had handed Reid the special order, or when Reid had halfway through said that he wished he had gotten dumplings instead of the gyoza, and Morgan had given him the one he had kept separate.
She had not been surprised when no one else had been surprised.
She had been a little surprised when Reid had looked at him in wonder, and when he had smiled gratefully, as if he had somehow not expected it.
She wondered what Elle Greenway and Spencer Reid’s relationship had been like.
She would have been very surprised to find that he and her were not still in contact.
Emily’s conclusion was that the team valued and loved Reid a lot.
He was not the leader, and he was not the most important member or affluent. Ingratiating herself to him (difficult), would not change her standing among them.
She was not sure how Reid himself felt about her. He did not seek her out, but he did not avoid her. He answered her questions, and he offered his insights.
If she asked the right question, he rambled at her. He found her intelligent.
But he did not look at her with the eyes he looked at the rest of the team with.
He smiled at her with his lips, and never with his eyes.
She did not think he liked or cared much about her.
And despite all of this, despite all she had witnessed, Emily did not like or care much about him either.
But he definitely interested her.
So Emily kept observing.