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Light my Fire

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Mario had waited a long time for this moment. He'd been so in love with his groundhog friend Fafa that he felt like he was going to spontaneously combust from having all his romantic feelings and insecurities bottled up inside him. He'd already been rejected at least once by his celebrity crushes (including Katy Perry), so he was nervous about it happening again. However, it was a risk he had to take and he was certain he'd probably never take it again in his lifetime.

One day, during an episode of "Glove and Boots," the red monster (or whatever the hell he was) kept wrestling with the idea of confessing his love before the millions of people watching. He tried not to think about it so much while Fafa was going over yet another Top 10 list (this one revolved around Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles villains) but at the same time, Fafa's mere presence was starting to overwhelm him. A slight stench was starting to accumulate throughout his entire body as the perspiration soaked his red velvet fur; meanwhile, he just stood there nodding to everything Fafa said.

Finally, just as they were approaching the end of the list, Fafa could no longer ignore the salty odor that Mario was emitting.

"Mario?" he asked out of concern. "Are you okay?"

Mario was stuttering like mad, unable to construct an entire sentence, let alone one that was only three words long. Now Fafa was curious; his friend may've been hard to understand sometimes but he almost never struggled like this.

"Mario?" Fafa asked again.

"Don't test me!" Mario suddenly yelled out.

"Mario, is everything okay?"

"Well..." Mario was trying to think of something to say. "I've decided that I don't feel sad anymore. If Mina or Katy are happy with their men, so can I. I've been thinking a lot about him lately and now... I think I'm ready to tell him how I feel..."

"That's great, Mario! So who's the lucky guy you're in love with?"

"You are, Fafa."

Fafa was taken aback by this answer. "W-What?"

"I love you, Fafa. I've loved you for almost a year and I was too afraid to tell you until now."

"Really?"

"Yeah..." At that moment, Mario felt his throat tense up as if it knew that whatever happened next was pretty much inevitable. "What about you?"

"Uh..." Fafa tried his best to comprehend this and come up with a cohesive response. "Mario, I hate to say this but I just don't feel the same."

"What are you saying, Fafa?"

"I appreciate you getting it off your chest, but I've only seen you as a friend and I always have. You get what I'm saying?"

"Yeah, I-I understand."

With that, Mario walked off in tears, leaving Fafa to finish the recording alone.

"Well anyway," began the groundhog like nothing significant had happened. "Since we've established that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are pretty much the greatest heroes of New York since the Ghostbusters, I think it's time to pay a little tribute to Oroku Saki himself, isn't that right?" He diverted his attention to a perpetually stone-faced gorilla who was roughly the same size as Mario.

"Meh." grunted the primate.

"Oh, we ran out of time for that skit?" Fafa asked. "Well, in that case, let's just leave with this piece of advice: if you wanna want a good TMNT movie, don't watch Turtles 3. Trust me, it sucks."

Later...

"Hey, Mario," Fafa calmly greeted his friend. "How you feelin'?"

"I'm okay." the red monster sniffled. "I'm starting to get used to getting rejected now."

"Look, Mario. I'm really sorry about what happened earlier. I didn't mean to embarrass you at all, but I had to tell it like it was. Is there anything I can do to make up for it?"

"You can go all the way with me."

Fafa could hardly believe what he'd just said. "...excuse me?"

"You heard me. If you want my forgiveness, all you have to do is do me."

"Mario, I'm not sure I want to do that."

"C'mon, Fafa. Just this once. I want my first time to be special."

Fafa sighed in defeat and composed himself. "Alright, Mario," he relented. "But remember: if we're going to do this, it'll be our little secret forever."