Some people say that there is something called destiny. Once I read that people are attached to someone by an invisible red thread, I think that it is a Japanese legend, that may sound a little silly, isn't it? A thread red destiny... destiny.
It may be that it was our destiny to find us in the way that we did, perhaps there is that possibility.
I lived alone, I was just lost in myself, I was a freak, a miserable bastard, despite having a family and live in a decent place, I felt that it was a rejection of the world, fellow of classroom, routines, friends to hang out, a girlfriend to hang out, drink to have something to kill. The time. I was a living dead, someone simply breathing and my loneliness, my solitude was getting bigger and I had something to feel alive.
The day I saw that video of yours, was so surprising to me, you were so amazing for me, so different from my world, so full of life, so expressive and creative, talking comfortably before the camera, as if you do not fear that you deem, as if were you talking to someone being safe from harm.
Your curious gaze, so beautifully blue green eyes. I cannot avoid to lose myself in them, I repeated this video several times, needed to burn in my memory your gestures, your voice, your laugh. I'm sounding like an obsessed, isn't it? I know it. I was obsessed with you and began to devour every video of yours, time passed as fast as I watched you.
After awakening, in classes, before bed, I could not help thinking about you and that smile drew on my face, was incredible, with just thinking about it, I was happy, was as if it wasn't so dark, and a small window is created on the walls of my mind and strained the light from there. You've brought that light.
I remember when I started to write, I tried to contact you, reviewing everything you said, on each photo that you took, every thought although it was insignificant. I was a very insistent boy and I needed that you surrender that insistence, had to begin to notice me and it was so. And I was happy for that reason.
You let that I could communicate privately with you, we write us a lot, I discovered that thanks to God we had things in common, I was too nice that we had many similar interests, then we begin to see in video calls, I remember that time, I was so excited, I had to let you know when start, I was so nervous that I didn't know what to do with my hair looked at myself so many times in the mirror before to be able to let know you that all was well and that we could already start talking. There I saw your huge eyes and jet black hair live, you smiled to see me and I said hello and I should have acted like a jerk, I think this are the few occasions that my mind can protect me and forgetting some details, just remember that I should act so embarrassing because you could not contain laughter, tried not to laugh, but a small giggle escaped from your lips. Then you apologize to me, I felt ashamed, but it died to change by emotion, we are talking about fairly, but there were also moments of silence that were not uncomfortable, simply watched us and from my heart wanted to be able to touch you, you and I may not live to the end of the country why we had to live so far away? It was a quick thinking that I slip into my head while I was watching, my girlfriend of the time could not even be remembered when I thought of you.
Time passed and we apparently had a strong, good relationship, that’s what I thought, I cannot speak for you, I don't know that you thought of me, many times I want to have a special power to read your mind. I had liked so much. I was wondering if you were equal in person to as with me online. I wanted that you so.
Remember the anxiety of buying train tickets, as my normal insomnia is heightened to finally meet you in person, at last I have you facing me and if things changed? If you didn't feel chemistry? If you disappointed about me? If you could see through me and saw that nervous and insecure boy? Would you think that it was a mistake to see us? Would you think that you lost your time to expect me at the train station? Serious you friendly by education, then I would return home and everything would end up there? Think of those things tormented me too and I didn't want to give you account for this.
Take the train and the hour slow limping and I couldn't believe that it was finally going to see you, at last, would not have to settle for just seeing you on a screen, you'd finally be against me completely and this would be real, because for me to be in that train, it was as if some imagination, a dream. Actually I was going to find the person who was my obsession? Perhaps at this time he was in my bed dreaming all this and then would wake up disappointed. What I felt was too nice to be true
The trip was already over, passengers had reached that they parked train in the city of Manchester, again my anxiety grew, I did not know if already you were there waiting for me or you had done late, but so am I thinking things until it happens, I had my headphones but I heard someone calling me from the back, shocked tumbling and... Were you, looking even better than that screen, you hair black, blue eyes and skin like snow and also something taller than me? My heart wanted to get out of my chest, my heart wanted to scream and cry at the same time. It was something that had never felt before and before that I gave my account because we were embracing at the train station, forgetting the rest of the world, in a warm hug and it was as if our bodies were already known before, at no time felt uncomfortable.
Walk down the street, the wheel of fortune, Starbucks, that Bar, that kiss... are things that I keep in the depths of my soul, Manchester has a very important part of me, so I can't help but feel something in my being when I hear the name of that city.
Can you remember how we played in the snow? It had never much fun me, I could not believe something so simple could create so much joy in me, but was not the city, was not the snow, were you that caused that I enjoy me with the simplest and thanks to the gods, you were much more amazing in person, you were truly unique.
You were a fortress in me, before that we were in person, you encouraged me to go with my video channel, I wasn't sure of it, I wanted to do it, but I felt that it would be a failure, but you, you convinced me telling me that if I wanted to do it, I should just do it and always starts with a step at a time and I got my first video and that was going to be the beginning of my character on the internet.
Sometimes to allow new things, you have to let things you had before, so I told my girlfriend that ours was not working, that we were both too young to continue with a long relationship, confrontations I never liked, and therefore use the Charter to be gentle and polite. She left and you could enter my life without guilt.
You were next to me in the decisions of my life, when I had the existential crisis continue or leave the University and I simply frustrated and exploding, why not leave me, my wonderful Phil? In your place I would have thought that this guy has many problems and had my bags packed, but there were you, next to me, telling me that all would be well, not I should go mad for something so and don't you know that your words were like balm to my soul, and take that decision to those studies that up to this moment I have no regrets.
Do you remember how you annoyed I walk around the house late at night? How many times I was up late editing videos? It's a disgrace to be a nocturnal animal. I didn’t want my steps interrupting your sleep in the morning, and on several occasions you got up out of bed, that I may cease to be walking alone in the house. to talk to me while we were eating anything, You asked me about what bothered me, and I told all my thoughts about the future, about how insignificant we are and how everyone ended up in the inevitable death, and generally you know how I think, you looked at me for a couple of seconds in silence and then you said any comments or doing a gesture that made me laugh and took away how heavy the case, then somehow you convince me to go to bed with you, we looked and generally I caressed your soft hair to relax and we stayed asleep alongside each other.
Everything was going so well, all was harmony, we were in our little paradise, we lived together in a good place, we had our channels that increasingly became more popular, and both had a Radio program. Life was sweetly good. Everything was so perfect I could not help feeling that something would fall like a stone, and would cause a disturbance and it was.
Our followers They suspected (discovered) what was between you and me, was incredible how something so sweet and staff could cause so much excitement to become public, the questions, the harassment of the curious, eyes on us, the constant questions that if were something more than friends, I despair, anxiety was too much, was inevitable to think about what you would say my family, my family who still disagreed with my decision to leave the University, why now have this happen? The critical, rude comments, who was in charge in bed, I died, I shame to hear and read what was said of me, because that is, at that time I thought about me, they will say of me, lies about me, but people was not lying. I was not thinking about 'us' I was so afraid that I was not missing the opportunity to blame you and tell you how careless you had been, were the guilty our tranquility injured outside... ... I made you cry, cried before my words and I felt so bad, but not because I didn't know how to do it with you, you think only left me there stood as long that was now my body, I see you and I left there at least that day.
I was so afraid of the cameras to capture something rare among us, was so deeply afraid, so I avoided to be near you and you reject, that you hurt, I knew it, but I was and I'm selfish, and unfortunately I don't think that will change.
In the apartment, things were different, to feel that we were alone I wanted to we go time together, you smiled me with a bit of sadness and you even so you were at my side, I think that you always trying to ignore what caused you sorrow and I know it and therefore I excuse with you and you trying to understand this idiot that simply was afraid and never has been able to handle things because despite the fact that you were the most involved in all this, you mind-blowing keep silence and run away from it, and me with my personality of cornered animal decided to growl, hurting you in the process.
The sex had become something different, my hormones were working and wanted that we were together, you please me, but I could feel your sadness, on your skin it filtered to that feeling and I despite feeling it, chose to ignore it and please myself. I am a selfish and I knew it, I know it.
That was a bad year that would like to be able to forget.
Things were calming down and we began to work more freely before the cameras, we started playing us and I began to reassure me, but still much repeated that "we were just friends," "only are best friends", that we were not leaving, repeated so much that now that I think about it, my own words sounded me false, but something was right: we were not dating. We lived together, we ate together, we slept together many times, we knew secrets between us that no one else will learn; This was not a courtship, seemed more a married relationship.
I was now a little taller than you, but unfortunately it was still unsure and jealous, I wish not to remember the times that my jealousy made you feel uncomfortable and as arriving at our apartment I clamed you, but what sins have you? It was perfectly natural that others liked you. with your way of being bright and friendly, but I had terror that someone will take you away from me, because you are next to me in my life, knowing who I really am, and you still do not escape from me, but I was terrified that one day you leave me.
What would my life without you? I don't know that words using exactly, perhaps that most approaches is to imagine a person who loses the gift of sight. That would be my life, a blind man who is in the shadows, I crazed just imagine if one day lost the light that only belongs to me.
After calling you, looking the way that you're not angry with me, you know that I am not someone to use much that words, can remember how many times I didn't say please or thank you? How could you hold me? I don't really understand it.
2014 was a good year, we opened our own shop, selling only our brands, and our faces were all, you remember the masks? I frightened me, but both knew that the fans would love these things, this year we created the game channel, where we could play without thinking both in things we said before the camera and I remember with clarity Teen choice Awards, you using your glasses. Really I like your glasses, but I also hated them, because I could not kiss you comfortably while you using them. I also remember that I felt like an excited little girl to hug Nick Jonas I was embarrassed.The awards were celebrated on October 19, the day we met for the first time... our anniversary.
Then I started to behave as a man and you tried to like what were really for me, as a treasure which does not deserve to be in no time underestimated, trying to concealing my jealousy for myself and pretending that I was quiet to not disturb your smile... things were improving in such an extent that when they asked me I didn't accept anything, but it does not deny it, just smiled and said that our fans were very curious... things had become to be well...
Dan tears sliding down her cheeks, the wind moved his hair and long vest that was over, he had always liked dressing in black, but he wished by all holy does not do so on this occasion by obligation, people had already left, parents were away, there was the young man of short and brown hair stood in front of that land had been removed, the name of the person that he had loved. The pain was so much that it could not keep standing and fall on his knees before the memorial headstone.
Why did you have to leave me? -He said tearing the grass with his hands - why you have to be you? Why wasn't I? You loved life more than me. — He was quiet while tears fell again by his cheeks — none of us could imagine that some years after a tragic event would take you away from me, my beautiful Phil, I know it’s curious I felt that I should not leave you only at that hotel, but I thought that it would return in half an hour and you didn't want to leave the room - the tears were flowing.
My amazing Phil, this day has died the light that filled my life and now I am a blind that will live in darkness, denying the colors of the world, colors that I saw only because you were there with me, and being honest I don't want to stay too long in the dark — he regarded peer to that cold white Stone— I hope that we are destined and we will meet again in the next life.
Dan got to his feet, stared at the grave and smiled warmly — I'm not going to take too much time in the dark.