For the immediate attention of Z Ibrahimovic:
1. Never display affection in public. If you have ever been told that Milan is over and done with the days of executing – humiliatingly – those who stain the honour of the city, you have been misinformed. Ensure that any contact with Sandro is free of visible consequences.
As a general point of interest, do not let the high fashion and atomized culture of the capital market dupe you into believing that you know anyone who doesn't know someone in this town.
2. Never keep Sandro occupied on training weeknights or match days. Please note that Milan trains five days a week and usually plays on Sunday. This leaves Sunday night free on his schedule.
Corollary: Sunday night dinner is habitually at my house. This is not an invitation.
3. In recognition of your legal status as rightful adults, any meeting you have in the confines of a room within an area covered by security equipment President Berlusconi has kindly allowed us to borrow may occur behind closed doors, so long as you have the additional company of one or more of a vetted list of friends/mutual acquaintances. Names on the list so far: i. Ricky Kaká.
4. On the other hand, any indoor meetings occurring in an area outside our watch must always occur with the door at least one-third ajar and all four feet on the floor at all times. Any known violation of this guideline will be met with force, also borrowed from President Berlusconi. We will know, by the way.
5. Consider Pippo Inzaghi instead. If you feel enthused about acquiring Christian Vieri as an added incentive, I encourage you to let me know at the earliest.
6. Sandro is thoughtful, sensitive and wise beyond his years. You are young and inexperienced. Listen to Sandro. Always.
7. Never mention the words 'striker crisis' in his hearing or mine.*
8. Compromising his happiness in any way, shape or form will be taken seriously by his well-wishers. You may or may not know that Rino and Andrea have a mean grip on a crowbar. Bear this fact in mind if you ever feel that you are in danger of cancelling an appointment, forgetting anniversaries, neglecting to bring him flowers every day, or in any way causing him to inhabit a mental state less exalted than delight.
9. Lose the moustache. Permanently. It is the ugliest thing I have seen in my long and well-examined life.
10. Any suggestion of a move to tempt him to "play on the same side," will result in a definitive end to all motivation on my part to keep you alive. **
Let me know if you have any questions about this.
* There is no striker crisis at Milan.
** If, on the other hand, such an idea is put forward by Sandro himself, see # 6.
As an unrelated footnote, I take it upon myself to warn you to discourage any attention you may receive from two young boys, aged roughly eleven and five, identifying themselves – in complete and utter falsehood – with my last name. Any requests for autographs, photographs, jerseys, or football tips must be turned down immediately with no possibility of re-negotiation. In fact, please do your best to convince them of how large and offensive a prick you are. This is just a friendly injunction for the good of all concerned. ---PM.