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The dress is red and sleeveless, black lacing along the skirt, sleek and smooth in a way Peter had seen on TV but never actually owned before now. It's beautiful, the skirt flowing as Peter absently twirled, watching it sway in his mirror.
See, Peter likes dresses. He knows it's one of those things that he's supposed to hate or whatever but they're gorgeous and something about them has always drawn him in. The compliments he gets are always uncomfortable enough to make him shy away but never enough to make him forget how he feels looking at himself in the mirror like this. This time though, despite the rush, he can't help feeling slightly detached as he watches himself in the mirror, practicing smiling as the girl the dress was meant for and not the boy who kind of hates himself for not hating it.
He thinks MJ would understand; they lurk around in any fucking outfit they want to, gender nothing more than putty they mold to their current preference, daring anyone to say a word with their “ASK ME MY PRONOUNS I DARE YOU” shirts. Gwen wouldn’t but if she stopped flirting long enough for him to explain, he thinks she’d be sympathetic. Harry is cis as hell and Peter can’t even imagine starting the conversation. It’s not like Harry doesn’t accept Peter but he was more than a surprising addition to Peter’s queer friends(even though Ned claims that he’s been “lowkey” flirting with Peter for months.)and Peter’s not quite comfortable enough with it yet. He’s not really sure how he wound up with a bunch of friends who vary from flirting with him to spilling dark secrets that they definitely don’t talk about enough but it actually works surprisingly well with the whole Spider-Man and trans thing.
Technically, Flash thinks they’re friends now that Harry banned him from punching Peter left and right but given he still likes to call people, including Peter, an alarmingly number of slurs “as a joke,” he’s below “May” on Peter’s list of gender confidants.
And Ned. Well. Peter loves Ned, in ways he’s fairly sure aren’t completely platonic but Peter is never quite sure if Ned will get gender-y stuff or even how to approach it. Ned is incredible. He’s like Peter’s safe haven. He’s Star Wars and brownies on blue moons and gentle nudging and excited whispering. He’s queer too, which makes everything easier. Peter knew that Ned was a forever friend when Flash called Peter a fag and Ned, despite only knowing Peter two week and having admitted numerous times he was terrified of Flash, side-eyed him and said,”Some of us are fags, dipshit, keep your bullshit to yourself.”
(Afterwards, Peter had hesitantly asked if Ned was gay. “If we’re putting a name to it, queer.” Ned had said, jaw still set in irritation, though it obviously wasn’t directed at Peter.” I can’t believe that asshole thought he could just call you a fag! I thought Osborn told him to fuck off.”)
It’s not that Peter’s scared of losing Ned. He’s had Peter’s back since the first moment they met but this feels private, almost embarrassing. Peter’s not even sure how to explain things like dysphoria and living with May as a girl while being out to pretty much the whole school as a guy.
Especially with the tiny detail/secret that Peter hasn’t even managed to tell Ned, about his homelife, which is that he came out to May once, before Spider-Man, before Ben, before Ned even transferred to his school.
It’d been after one of Ben and Peter’s big fights. Peter had skipped school and went to the fighting ring as “The Amazing Spider-Man” and arrived home late to find the school had called May and Ben was pissed. According to them, Peter had gotten suspended and then ditched school and broke curfew. What had actually happened was Flash called Peter a dyke, offering jeeringly across the gym to “teach Peter how to enjoy guys” and then Peter had gotten suspended for threatening to bash Flash’s head in. Go figure. So instead of going home, he’d gone to the ring to fight off the fury that clung to his body and get paid at the same time. But of course he’d gotten home late and to say Ben had been livid was an understatement given he’d started shouting the instant Peter got in the door.
That’d been one of the first times he’d hit Peter.
May had crept into his room afterwards, ice pack in hand, a sad twist to her mouth when she saw Peter sitting on his bed, knees curled to his chest, arms wrapped around his legs.
“I just don’t understand why you can’t just talk to us.” She’d said, voice soft as she pressed the icepack into Peter’s hand.”We love you, baby, but we can’t help if we don’t know what’s going on.”
At the time, Peter’s head had still been spinning, emotions swirling in a confused vortex in his chest. He hadn’t questioned the “I love you” though. Out of all the things he’d been questioning at the time, Ben and May’s love hadn’t been involved, even after Ben got pissed enough to start hitting him most times Peter came home late. May had said it was his PTSD, shaken her head and told Peter he needed to “stop pushing.” It had seemed like a natural progression at the time; Ben got really pissed and yelled a lot sometimes and when Peter started fucking up for real, he pushed Peter around to try to jolt him back onto the “right path.”
So he hadn’t questioned either of their love at the time. It’s only now that he thinks back on that moment and wonders.
Peter had wanted to cry, he remembers that vividly. He’d wanted to cry and scream and run all at the same time, angrily pushing the icepack against his reddened cheek and staring hard at his blue bedspread. He’d been pretending to try to do his homework, math books spread out in front of him but he’d been so pissed and scrambled that he’d just spent most of the time scribbling wed fluid serum ideas.
“You wouldn’t get it.” He’d said, alarmingly honest in his quiet room, voice unrecognizably rough.
“Maybe not.” May had admitted.” But we’d try. We’d figure something out. Is it-are you a lesbian, sweetie? Ben might struggle with it, honey, but he’d never-kick you out or something, we love you-”
Peter had wanted so badly to tell May the truth about everything, about being a boy, about being Spider-Man, about the powers he was equal parts terrified and in awe of. He’d wanted so desperately for her to understand and still say “I love you” that without thinking about it, he’d found himself giving her part of the truth.
” No, May, it’s-” He’d bitten his lip hard enough to taste blood and looked desperately up at his aunt.” May, it’s-kind of? Like that? But I’m not a lesbian. May, I’m a boy.”
Because he’d looked up, Peter has that moment etched in his memory. He remembers the way her hesitant concern had closed off in blank surprise, the way something like horror flickered in her eyes, the way she quickly checked over her shoulder to make sure the door was still closed. He still remembers the way tears had sprung to her eyes, how she’d run her hands through her hair, pressing her lips together and blinking fast.
His stomach had dropped and his heart had begun to hammer in his chest, loudly enough he almost missed her breaking the silence that had fallen.
”Do you mean, like-A transsexual?” May’d asked, lowering her voice to a whisper as she said the word, like she wasn’t sure how it was supposed to fit in her mouth, awkward and hushed.
Peter had stopped breathing, not even daring to move as a sort of numbness spread over him, his thoughts completely drawing to a halt.
“Sweetie,” May had said, clearly uncomfortable but forcing her lips up in something she probably thought resembled a smile as she reached out to pat his arm.” It’s perfectly natural to get confused with all the-the progressive ideas out there these days but I think you should just-think about it some more. It’s so easy to make mistakes and rush into things and-when did you start thinking like this, baby?”
Thinking back on it, the rest of the conversation is foggy. It’d been like something out of a horror movie, a situation created specifically to feed his nightmares. Peter had scrambled to explain, desperately tripping over his words to try and explain to May that he wasn’t confused, he was a boy-But May had sidestepped every attempt, talking about how hard it was to be a woman and that it was understandable for him to be confused. It was when Peter mentioned his name and cutting his hair that May had put her foot down.
“If you want to tell Ben you’re a lesbian, baby, that’s fine.” She’d said, holding his gaze for the first time since he’d started the conversation, voice quiet but inarguably firm.” But a transsexual? We can try and get you therapy, so you can figure out how to unravel some of this confusion you’re dealing with but money is tight and your uncle took you in out of the goodness of his heart. You’re our favorite niece. You can’t just throw all that away just because being a girl is hard sometimes, baby.”
Peter had been so numb afterwards he couldn’t even cry himself to sleep.
But then Ben had been murdered two weeks later and he and May had never spoken about it again. Peter had told all his friends not to call him Peter or use his pronouns around May and when they’d assumed he’d hadn’t come out yet…Well, he just hadn’t corrected any of them. He wasn’t sure why. It was…embarrassing, almost, thinking of his failure. His luck was so shit he couldn’t even come out of the closet properly. He still had nightmares, every so often, of May finding out his friends knew he was trans and setting him up with one of the “therapists” she’d mentioned to help him “figure himself out.”
It kind of made the dress all that much more disconcerting. May probably thought Peter had just passed through his “trans phase” and come out of it a perfect little cis girl and she’d saved him from becoming trans by making sure he didn’t cut his hair any shorter. She probably barely thought about that night even though it haunted Peter every time he remembered it. He honestly wasn’t sure if she’d bought the dress for his school Christmas party without even asking him because she’d forgotten or because of his disaster of coming out. And he didn’t know how to talk to any of his friends about it because they didn’t know what had happened with May and he wasn’t sure how to even start explaining any of that to his friends, even MJ.
He wasn’t even angry at May, he was just-
With a groan, Peter dropped down onto the side of his bed and sighed, running his hands through his hair, which hung just below his ears. Even if the dress itself didn’t make him dysphoric, May buying it for him definitely did and he’s just exhausted. Pretty much everyone at school knew he was trans and yeah, he got shit for it, even from teachers sometimes but it was nothing like knowing that if he came out, May wouldn’t have his back. It wasn’t like knowing exactly what coming out would be like because you’d already done it and failed. It wasn’t like walking on pins and needles around her sometimes, trying to edit out all the queer parts of his life so that she would approve. He wished high school was over. He was already saving up to buy his own apartment with money from his salary. Maybe he could share with Ned and they could go to college and hell, maybe he could even afford to go on hormones if he sold extra pictures to JJ Jonas.
But high school wasn’t over and he was still stuck here with May, who’d bought him a dress.
Peter grabbed his phone from his dresser and turned it on, hesitating for a moment before exhaling loudly, biting his lip, and then forcing himself to send a text to Ned despite his shaking hands.
biderman: u want to help me do something dumb?
maninthechair: …
maninthechair: ?? always.
_________________________________
It took roughly 30 youtube tutorials, six panic attacks and more hugs from MJ than Peter knew they were okay giving but when it was finally done, Peter looked in the mirror and grinned.
Peter had agreed with Ned that they probably shouldn’t do it until right before the Christmas party so Ned and MJ had both come over so they could do it on the afternoon the day of. He knew he’d have to deal with May after the party but when the day came, he didn’t really give a fuck. They didn’t celebrate Christmas, never had, but Peter was definitely excited for the party. He’d also vomited earlier from nerves but whatever.
He was doing okay now though, more than okay actually because sure, he was wearing the dress May had picked out but Ned had cut his hair shorter than Peter had even imagined it and it was amazing. MJ had bought him a binder(“It’s not a Christmas present, Parker, it’s because I want you to look dope.” They’d said, accepting his hug with an awkward shoulder pat.”We’re friends. Don’t be weird about it”) so his chest was flat but the dress still fit with a few minor adjustments and he could look in the mirror, dress and all, and actually enjoy it.
Peter tilted his head, twirled in a circle, still marveling and laughing into his hands before spinning back around to face MJ and Ned, who were sitting on his bed watching him.
“This is perfect.” Peter choked out, grinning so hard it hurt, eyes burning with tears he refused to shed. He hadn’t told Ned or MJ about coming out to May. He still wasn’t ready to talk about it but all of that momentarily fled his mind as he launched himself forward and hugged Ned, giving MJ a reprieve as he bit back the sobs lodged in his throat.” Thank you, thank youthankyouthankyou-”
“I’m your man in the chair, Peter.” Ned said, hugging back as MJ patted Peter’s hair in what he was fairly sure they meant to be a reassuring gesture.” No thanks required, you just have to be my best friend for like, the rest of eternity.”
“Gladly.” Peter said into Ned’s chest, resting his head on his shoulder.” Seriously. I love you guys, thank you.”
MJ hummed out something resembling a reply and there was a moment of silence before Peter pulled back, wiping his eyes as he sat down on the bed beside Ned, who didn’t even hesitate a full moment before nudging him, a grin spreading across his face.” Respectfully, Pete, you look hot as fuck. Harry and Gwen are going to flip out, man.”
“You do look hot, Parker.” MJ agreed, flopping back on the bed as they spoke and Peter’s cheeks heated up as he avoided eye contact with both of his friends.”And that dress looks incredible on you, in like, a gender fuck-y way.”
Peter barked out a laugh and then pushed to his feet again to twirl in the mirror to avoid finding a response to the compliments. He looked like a boy, with an incredible haircut and gorgeous dress and it felt like euphoria was crowding his throat as his heart hammered in his chest but he felt good, like he was on the good edge of a high, or out Spider-Man-ing. He felt like a teenager, the way kids were in movies, having fun and fucking up. Except this wasn’t a fuck up. It was like, the opposite of a fuck up. Like becoming Spider-Man. Everything about this felt right.
It was another moment before MJ broke the silence.” Is May going to be pissed about your hair?” They asked, voice quiet and surprisingly hesitant.
Peter grimaced, glancing at his closed door as he fiddled with the edges of his dress, staring at himself in the mirror instead of turning back around. May had told him he couldn’t cut it when he’d come out to her but it’d been months and it’d already been short. It just wasn’t anything like this, cut so short you couldn’t mistake it for anything but a purposefully “masculine” cut. He wasn’t sure how May would react and he definitely didn’t want her to know about the binder but he couldn’t convince himself it wouldn’t be worth it. It wasn’t like May could un-cut his hair. Right? All she could be was very, very pissed.
“Maybe?” He hedged, biting his lip as he turned back around. It was worth it, he told himself determinedly, clenching his jaw. May could ground him, she could send him to one of those “therapists” but this moment, this feeling had to be worth it.
Despite his determination, his eyes still began to burn and his stomach churned as he grabbed his phone off his desk, checking the time-4:27. Fuck, they needed to leave soon too. He inhaled shakily and tried to scrub away his tears filling his eyes, hating that Ned and MJ could definitely see him crumbling at the thought of May seeing his hair.
But a moment later Ned was hugging him from behind, arms tight but gentle.”You can stay over at my house after.” Ned suggested, resting his cheek against Peter’s shoulder, making Peter’s heart stutter in his chest as he flushed, still trying to blink away his panicked tears.” MJ and I already cleared it with our parents and May yesterday. We can have a sleepover and MJ promised they’d watch Star Wars without thrashing it the whole time.”
“I still maintain that’s the best part of watching Star Wars.” MJ said but they were standing at Peter’s other side too and hugging him as well, their hair squishing into his face.”C’mon, Webhead. Wanna do my hair?”
Peter sniffed hard, leaning into both their arms for a moment, drinking in the contact, forcing himself to inhale and exhale steadily. He’d made this plan a couple weeks ago and forced himself not to think about May or what could happen afterwards but he’d done it now and he looked incredible. This was his night. His night with Ned and MJ and a gorgeous haircut and dress that really wasn’t any of May’s business at all.
This was just a school Christmas party and Peter should be able to enjoy it with his friends.
“Peter?” Ned’s voice broke the silence and Peter blinked hard, took a deep breath, and pulled back to give MJ and Ned a watery smile.
“Thanks.” Peter whispered and then took another deep breath and let his lips curl into a smile as he raised an eyebrow at MJ.” Can I really do your hair?”
MJ made a face and rolled their eyes, flicking their hair out of their face as they grinned back.”Are you asking if I’m a liar, Parker? Yes, you can do my fucking hair, come on, we’re going to be late.”
MJ and Ned’s voices intertwined as MJ instructed Peter on what he was supposed to do and Ned added “suggestions” but Peter let it wash over him, letting the euphoria ease the burden on his chest. He ran a hand through his hair, reveling in its shortness and letting his skirt swirl as he walked around the room, collecting the supplies he needed.
Peter has fifteen minutes left to get MJ’s hair ready so they can leave and he wants to live every minute of the rest of this day.
He’s done waiting.